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This episode, unlike the first, starts with a cold open: as Miss Bliss walks through the hallway, she’s stopped by Screech, who wants advice on love, and we get Screech’s real first name for the first time, “Samuel,” which only Miss Bliss calls him. Seems there’s a certain girl he wants to get it on with, and anyone who’s watched any amount of Saved by the Bell will know that Screech is obsessed with Lisa. And I do mean obsessed, to the point that today it would probably be considered sexual harassment. Screech wants to know why he gets a boner every time this certain girl walks by, and she tells him it’s because he wants her in the sack. He then asks how to tell if the girl wants to fuck him too and Miss Bliss tells him that he’ll just know. Screech decides to put this to the test by saying hi to Lisa, and she promptly shoves him into his locker. He thinks this means she likes him. Oh, the naivete! It’s so hilariously expected that I forgot to laugh! After the credits, we find ourselves in Miss Bliss’s room, where she tells us in voice over about Screech being in love, which we already knew if we watched the cold opening. I guess these voice overs are going to be a regular thing on this show. Just as the bell rings, Miss Bliss reminds the class that their term papers on the War of 1812, which are worth twenty percent of their grade, are due at the end of the week. Zack Morris looks panicked and Miss Bliss holds him back momentarily, telling him there better not be any funny stuff with his paper or she’s going to smack the shit out of him. Seriously, did he really use his grandma spontaneously combusting while reading his paper as an excuse? Last week he convinced Karen he had a driver’s license he couldn’t use on Wednesdays and this week he has this excuse. Eighth grade Zack Morris has the worst excuses ever. I also have to assume that Zack Morris has been in Miss Bliss’s class before, but they don’t explicitly tell us this.
Zack Morris offers Screech a favor in exchange for Screech writing his term paper for him. Screech tells Zack Morris that he wants a date with Lisa, and Zack Morris is understandably skeptical of the chances. Zack Morris tells Screech he’ll make it happen, despite the fact that Lisa apparently dumped Spaghetti-Os on his head last week. We then cut to Lisa standing at her locker with Not-Jessie, reading a love letter from a secret admirer. Geez, I wonder who could have possibly written it? I’m in such suspense! How will I ever contain myself! Not-Jessie is skeptical and thinks Lisa wrote the letter to herself, but apparently she’s convinced when Lisa says it would make her fingernails break. Of course this comment makes no sense until we find out later the letter was typed, but whatever.
We cut to a wacky collision as Miss Bliss, a hunky substitute teacher, and Lisa all collide, knocking their papers on the floor. Lisa grabs her papers and hurries to class, while Mr. Belding comes out and chews out the teachers for being in the hallway trying to fuck when their unsupervised teenagers are in the room.
After a commercial break, Miss Bliss and Tina are at Miss Bliss’s house grading papers. Tina finds a secret admirer letter in the pile of papers and convinces Miss Bliss the hunky substitute teacher slipped it in when he dropped his papers and wants to bang her. Or, just as easily, it could have been written for someone else and Miss Bliss just happened to pick it up. But never mind reason and multiple possibilities when we need to move the plot along! Let’s just jump to conclusions! Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen?
Back at school, Lisa is obsessing to Not-Jessie about who could possibly want to bang her.
In the teacher’s lounge, Tina pushes Miss Bliss into making her move on the hunky substitute. She sits down and tells Mr. Hunk that they can fuck when he’s done substituting at the school, and Mr. Hunk asks if he can bring his wife. Oh, and Mylo is listening in for part of it, but it goes absolutely nowhere, proving Mylo to be a useless character two episodes in a row.
Miss Bliss realizes that Mr. Hunk didn’t give her the letter
Back in the cafeteria, Screech sees Lisa obsessing and wants to make his move, but Zack Morris holds him back and tells Screech to trust him. I bet you didn’t see this one coming, but the letter was written by Zack Morris in an effort to get Screech to write his term paper for him, and he’s going to write another one to turn up the heat for Lisa (and give Screech time to finish the paper)! Oh, the surprises and twists and turns this episode is taking! I just can’t keep up! Wait, why is Screech taking love advice from Zack Morris after the Karen fiasco last week? I think Zack Morris adequately proved he has no idea what he’s talking about when it comes to girls.
Back to the teachers lounge, and Miss Bliss and Tina have decided that the only other logical conclusion is that the letter is from Mr. Belding, who just happens, after a brief commercial break and by the magic of plot contrivance, to walk in at that very moment and, through narrative oversharing, tells Miss Bliss that his wife is out of town and he feels lonely. Mr. Belding tells Miss Bliss he’ll come by her room after school for some requisition forms, which she decides is code for hot fucking, and tells him to come by during class instead. Oh these wacky misunderstandings! When will they end?
Zack Morris and Screech have gone into the restroom of all places so Zack Morris can read the new note for Screech. The new note finally tells Lisa to meet her mystery admirer in the cafeteria after school the next day for some hot fucking. Wait, really, did they not have a better set they could do this in but a restroom? I mean that’s where Mr. Belding goes poo! But, yeah, Zack Morris gives Screech the note and Screech gives Zach Morris the term paper.
In Miss Bliss’s room, Lisa and Not-Jessie read the new note while Miss Bliss finishes up the requisition papers. Not-Jessie tries to tell Lisa that no self-respecting man would want hot fucking in a cafeteria, but she won’t listen. Miss Bliss confiscates the note and places it right on top of the requisition papers that Mr. Belding wants. Oh, man, these twists and turns just keep coming!
Mr. Belding comes in for the requisition papers and, wouldn’t you know it, Mr. Belding accidentally takes Lisa’s note as well. When will the writers stop with all these surprises? And, of course, because the plot demands it, Mr. Belding reads the note in the hallway and automatically assumes it’s from Miss Bliss to him.
Miss Bliss chases Mr. Bleding into the hallway to talk about the note she thinks he wrote and they each have a wacky exchange where each thinks the other wants some hot fucking and try to let each other down gently. They finally figure out the wacky misunderstanding and Miss Bliss gets a clue about what might have actually happened.
It’s what I assume is the next day given that Lisa is primping and obsessing for her big fucking, while Not-Jessie tells her to relax. Miss Bliss calls Zack Morris and Screech into the classroom and asks if there’s anything they want to tell her about the term papers. Screech completely loses it and rats out Zack Morris. Miss Bliss shows them the love letters and says that Zack Morris and Screech’s term papers were typed on the same typewriter as the love notes, which makes absolutely no fucking sense. First of all, I’m pretty sure that Miss Bliss doesn’t have the skills necessary to do a forensic analysis of typed notes. Second of all, Screech was typing the papers while Zack Morris was typing the notes. Are you telling me they were both using the same typewriter at the same time? I’m pretty sure this scenario holds up about as well as Mr. Belding dancing with Casey Kasem.
Unlike future appearances in Saved by the Bell, Miss Bliss sees through Zack Morris’s bullshit apology and gives him a zero. Oh my god, Zack Morris actually has to face the consequences of his actions! Screech is let off with a D, which I’m pretty sure is not the way plagiarism policies at most schools work. Miss Bliss slaps Zack Morris for taking advantage of Screech, and, in the hallway, Zack Morris and Screech kiss and make-up before Screech goes into the cafeteria for his hot fucking with Lisa. Our episode ends with Screech going into the cafeteria and the sound of screaming from a horrified Lisa, presumably as Screech began to undress.
What can I say about this episode? The entire premise is cliché and has been done dozens of times on dozens of other shows, and it’s not even the last time well see it done in the Saved by the Bell universe. Miss Bliss and Mr. Belding are total narcissists for thinking that, in a school full of horny teenagers, a typed love letter without any names on it is automatically for them. The idea of multiple people finding love notes and mistaking the identities of the author and intended recipient was much better done in a 1973 episode of the British series Are You Being Served? But, while I can’t think of too much good to say about this episode, there’s not a whole lot bad to say either. It’s a mediocre episode: lots of contrivance and lots of cliché, but generally watchable. And we see Screech’s stalking of Lisa for the first time.
Firsts: Screech’s first name (Samuel), Zack Morris manipulating Screech, Screech stalking Lisa.