Monthly Archives: February 2014

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 8: “Cream for a Day”

Bayside Homecoming

It’s football homecoming at Bayside High and advertisements are up everywhere for the election of the homecoming queen. What I’m curious about is why we never hear anything about homecoming king? That could create a great subplot but apparently the school doesn’t even give a damn about the king because there’s no mention in any of the banners and advertisements.

Zack Morris monologue hair

Anyway, Zack Morris tells us in his monologue…wait, what the hell is wrong with Zack Morris’s hair? It looks like it’s trying to get away from him! I know big hairstyles were in fashion in this time period but good god man! I’m finding so many distractions in these opening shots that I’m scarred I’ll never get to the episode itself!

Let’s try again. Zack Morris tells us in his monologue that it’s homecoming time. Bayside High is getting ready for their big game against Valley and, apparently, have been completely massacred every year for twenty-three years.

Slater comes down the stairs to a merchandise table being operated by Jessie and Lisa, letting us know by power of exposition that he’s the new star quarterback for Bayside. Slater tells them that he’s going to fuck up those Valley punks royally and they won’t be able to brag anymore. Jessie hopes to sell the rest of their hats with tiger tails attached to them, which I would actually wear if I went to Bayside, But Slater thinks he looks stupid in it and, since Zack Morris’s hair is god awful in this episode, suggests that he wear it instead. I have to admit, it’s an improvement over his hair.

Zack hat

Kelly comes down the stairs in her cheerleader outfit and is super stoked because she wants to be homecoming queen. Wait, she’s a freshman, right? Homecoming king and queen are almost always seniors. I don’t even think my school allowed freshmen, sophomores, and juniors to run. But, whatever, it’s convenient to the plot and the writers don’t give a fuck about what goes on in the actual world anyway.

Kelly’s worried about how she looks because she’s scared someone might not think she’s a living, breathing Barbie doll and she’s paranoid that someone’s going to find out she has actual flaws. She’s most worried someone will find out she wears a retainer, because apparently only ugly people wear retainers, and a group of the typical stereotypical geeks we’ll be seeing throughout the series comes up and asks her to join their “retainer club.” I swear to god I hated these stereotypes. These people do not exist in real life. It’s a caricature of nothing.

Geeks

In Chemistry class, Screech has a pimple and insists that Zack Morris bow down and worship it as his personal idol.

Screech pimple

Screech is convinced that this pimple makes him a man and he’s now ready to go and spread his seed among all the girls who will suddenly accept him and ignore all the other ways he’s dumb and revolting. And Screech has named his zit “Murray.” Wasn’t that the name of one of his rats in Good Morning, Miss Bliss? I think we found out what Mylo did with Murray! He also uses his zit as an excuse to sexually harass Lisa for yet another time.

Mr. Bennett, the chemistry teacher, comes up and tells them to shut the fuck up and get back to work, and it’s nice to see a semi-competent adult in this school. Screech is working on the experiment alone because Zack Morris is a lazy, incompetent bastard who only thinks of himself. Instead of solidifying, though, Screech’s experiment explodes and shoots cream all over his face. Something tells me this won’t be the last time he has cream all over his face.

Screech cream in face

Screech cream in face 2

At The Max, Slater and Zack Morris both want Kelly to drink their milkshakes, and I think that guy in the background is staring at Zack Morris’s ass.

Slater Zack milkshake

Kelly wants to know whether the guys like her hair better up or down, and Jessie and Lisa are visibly exasperated by Kelly’s obsessive-compulsiveness about her appearance.

Suzie Muffin

Kelly’s competition for homecoming queen come in The Max, and Zack Morris and Slater stare lasciviously at Suzie and Muffin. Wait, Muffin? What the fuck kind of name is Muffin? The only things I can think of named Muffin besides the food are porn stars and cats. She has a great future ahead of her, let me tell you. And the fact that Zack Morris and Slater, the two guys she’s been stringing along this entire season, are staring at other girls rather than obsessing over Kelly causes Kelly to feel even more insecure because how dare there be more the one beautiful girl in the world.

Back at school, Screech is disturbed to discover that his pimple hath forsaken him. Zack Morris is like, “Don’t worry. Pimples clear up all the time.” And Screech is like, “Not in two hours, dip shit!” Zack Morris realizes the gunk that got all over Screech’s face in Chemistry must have cleared up his pimple and he quite reasonably gets excited that Screech may have invented a super pimple cream. Of course, he’s only excited because he’s a greedy bastard and plans to pocket all the money for himself. Zack Morris and Screech decide they need to put the cream to the test and they both decide the only candidate is “Crater Face” Cobourn. Because we wouldn’t have believed he truly has an acne problem unless they gave him a name like Crater Face.

Zack Crater Face

In Zack Morris’s room, Zack Morris is applying the cream to Crater Face’s face. And they makes sure to emphasize that Crater Face has the most contrived, annoying laugh on the face of the planet that we’re going to have to hear multiple times during the episode because it and his pimples are apparently his only defining characteristics. Seriously, it’s a laugh that has to be heard to be understood.

And, though he doesn’t look it in his couple of scenes, the actor playing him was apparently around twenty-eight when this was filmed. At least they didn’t have him kiss anyone.

In Kelly’s room, Kelly doesn’t want to come of the bathroom because she has a small, barely noticeable pimple on her nose. Jessie and Lisa tell her to shut the fuck up and get out here before they come in and slap her silly, but she doesn’t listen. They finally get her out by pretending George Michael’s new video is on television and he’s dressed in bikini briefs. Gross.

Kelly nose

So this leads into a fantasy sequence with Kelly in which nobody wants anything to do with her because of her pimple, and it must be Red Nose Day (a reference for my British readers!) because Kelly’s wearing a nose bigger and more glittery than Rudolph’s.

Kelly reveals she wants to be homecoming queen because her mom was and it will get her the attention she’s starved for. Jessie and Lisa tell Kelly to shut the fuck up and come to school because no one will notice. At school, though, Kelly mistakes Screech’s sales pitch for the pimple cream as a stab at her pimple and nearly goes berserk before Jessie and Lisa slap her into submission.

zit off sales

Zack Morris presents the cream, marketed as “Zit Off,” to the student body, who are understandably skeptical, especially Slater. Zack Morris brings out Crater Face, whom nobody believes is him until he does his annoying laugh. And I would believe this sales pitch better if they’d bothered to show us, the audience, what Crater Face looked like before the cream.

Crater Face clear

People rush up to buy the Zit Off but, as Zack Morris is selling it, Mr. Belding comes on the scene and takes Crater Face and him to his office. In the office, Mr. Belding confiscates all the Zit Off but also does not believe that the other kid is Crater Face until…well, how about we just play a guessing game about what Crater Face does to identify himself.

Kelly finds Zack Morris at his locker and asks if he has any more tubes of Zit Off. Zack Morris reveals that he hid some from Mr. Belding and gives Kelly a tube free of charge. As Kelly leaves, Screech comes in and reveals that the Zit Off has caused his skin to break out in a horrible sunburn.

Screech red face

Now, here’s the problem. Zack Morris used his fingers to put this stuff on Crater Face and Screech. Why aren’t his fingers breaking out in this rash as well? But that isn’t convenient to the plot so let’s forget about it.

Screech tiger

After a commercial break, Zack Morris has forced Screech into the Bayside mascot costume so that no one will be repulsed by his ugly face, because students are apparently allowed to use the mascot costume whenever the hell they want. Zack Morris is desperate to find Kelly before she uses the cream. He finds her but she’s already used the cream already but, of course, he doesn’t tell her that he now knows it has side effects because he doesn’t give a fuck about anything but himself.

In Zack Morris’s room, Zack Morris laments to Screech, still dressed in the mascot outfit because apparently mascot outfits can be checked out like library books, that he’s a dead man when people find out what the cream does. Screech takes the head of the costume off and they discover his face has gone back to normal, which either means the effect of the cream is temporary or the make-up department forgot to reapply make-up between takes.

Zack Kelly laugh

With the knowledge that the red effect is temporary, Zack Morris goes over to Kelly’s house to tell her about the side effect. Zack Morris tells them they’ll laugh about this when they’re in college (we’ll have to wait for The College Years to see if that prophecy is accurate) and finally tells her about the redness. Now, I’m divided on this next part. Kelly is enraged and tells Zack Morris that he’s ruined her entire life by ruining her chances at becoming homecoming queen and Zack Morris gets moralistic with her and tells her that she’s a fucking narcissistic psychopath who only cares about her looks. On one hand, Zack Morris is the last one that needs to lecture someone right now given he was so selfish and greedy he didn’t investigate the side effects of a product before marketing it. On the other hand, Kelly is being so shallow that I want to punch her in the nose so she’ll shut up. I think I’ll just say both these characters are being douches and leave it at that.

And we cut to the homecoming rally which, of course, is being held at The Max because apparently Bayside High just needs to buy the place and get it over with. First Slater talks and he says they’re going to blow Valley. No, I’m not making that up. He actually says that. Then, because it’s all we’re really supposed to care about in this scene, Jessie says they’ve tallied the votes for homecoming queen. Third place is Muffin Sangria. Oh god, her first name is the name of a cat and her last name is the name of a Spanish alcoholic beverage. I want to believe that the writers just randomly picked two names from the dictionary and said, “This will sound exotic!” We can apparently scratch her back and make her purr while we get drunk off her juice. Second place is Suzie, which, of course, leaves only Kelly for first place, probably because of the sympathy vote since she looks like a burn victim.

Queen Kelly

Slater starts beat boxing and we’re treated to a really horrible rap/cheer.

Bayside rap

And, because we’re supposed to learn a lesson about not being vain, Kelly apologizes to Zack Morris for what she said the night before because the episodes is almost over and everything has to go back to normal so we don’t have to worry about continuity. We also get to see that the majority of students, as well as Mr. Belding, now have red faces.

Bayside red faces

Belding red face

And in a postscript complete with old archive footage of football games, Zack Morris tells us that Valley was so disturbed by everyone having red faces that it distracted them. Frankly, I don’t blame them. As far as they knew, that could be some sort of communicable disease. Slater scored the only touchdown and Bayside won 7-0.

First: Kelly’s room.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 8: “The Boy Who Cried Rat”

Zack studying

In the cold opening, everyone is beside themselves that Zack Morris is studying. Apparently his father promised him a ski trip if he got a B on the History midterm. Skiing in the flat, fertile corn fields and cow pastures. There’s nothing like it! I mean, growing up in Indiana I could never wait for winter to come so I could go to Indianapolis and ski! It was what all kids growing up in Indiana looked forward to. We laughed in pompous arrogance at those to the south and east of us who had mountains because who needs mountains when you can just ski through John Deere’s pig farm.

So, just to review, Good Morning, Miss Bliss thinks Indianapolis is a small town and thinks Indiana is a winter sports state. Yeah. They probably think the entire state of Tennessee looks like The Beverly Hillbillies, too.

After the opening, Miss Bliss tells us in her voice over that there’s always one student looking for the easy way out of her midterms. And here, on one of the shots producers hope you won’t pay attention to, is Miss Bliss’s advice for studying for her midterm.

Bliss Midterm Review

“Learn important dates” is horrible advice as this gives absolutely no clue what students should be studying, and since Lisa would take this to mean that putting out for the members of Sons of the American Revolution is the best way to brush up on her knowledge of the Revolutionary War. “Review Social Studies” is even worse advice. That’s like giving a test on Moby Dick and, for the review, telling students they should, “Review Literature,” or the study guide for morticians being, “Review dead people.”

Bliss Challenge

Miss Bliss tells her class that she’s going to have something called the “Bliss Challenge” to study for the History Midterm and the winning team gets a magical homemade looking purple shirt that will transport them to the land of Hogwarts where they will become wizards and have lots of adventures and battles until one of them appears nude on stage for a play about horse mutilation. The students all sound unimpressed and concerned that they may be relegated to the role of Ron Weasley until Miss Bliss bribes them with pizza at Cosmo’s on Friday.

Belding Bliss Announcement

In the office, Mr. Belding makes an announcement that Miss Bliss is a finalist for School Days magazine’s teacher of the year award, a magazine read by teachers who have way too much free time on their hands and need an ego boost. But why is Mr. Belding making the announcement with Miss Bliss standing right next to him, especially when it’s obvious given the look on her face that he hasn’t told her yet? Really, I hate being bombarded with shit like that. At least find out if she wants it announced first for Christ’s sake. In any case, Mr. Belding is a selfish, egotistical shit who is only excited because of how good Miss Bliss winning the award would make him look. Mr. Belding is butt hurt because Miss Bliss doesn’t want to thank him during the award banquet should she win and insinuates she would thank Mylo for the award but not Mr. Belding. I wish she wasn’t joking here. As useless as Mylo usually is, he at least looks good in a tuxedo as we found out last week. Why doesn’t she just shove that microphone down Mr. Belding’s throat?

Zack scheming

In the hallway, Zack Morris wants Screech to help him postpone the midterm. And what’s his scheme this week? Why, to release Screech’s rats in the school, forcing the school to shut down while pest control comes in. At this point, I’m backing away from the screen and shaking my head in confusion.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Seriously, guys…why the fuck would this shut the school down? The school is not a twenty-four hour a day Wal-Mart. As long as the rats aren’t shitting in the lunches, what’s the problem? You have the exterminators come in after school is closed! What the fuck kind of stupid ass plan is this? Why the fuck would anyone ever think it would work! I’ve seen some dumb ass shit but this would take the cake if it wasn’t for the episode of Full House that was all about Michelle’s feet growing gigantic…or virtually any other episode of Full House.

And, because Zack Morris has a tight psychological grip on Screech, Screech agrees to the plan after Zack Morris promises him a double date with twins followed by a sweet four way where Zack Morris might give Screech a reach around..

There’s a scene next where Mr. Belding kisses Miss Bliss’s ass about the award that seems to serve no purpose other than Miss Bliss telling us what she has to do to get the award: be interviewed and have her class observed.

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris and Screech deliver some exposition about how the plan is underway and the rats have been set free. Not-Jessie and Lisa come in and Screech makes a transphobic joke as Lisa talks about one of the rats eating her lipstick. Not-Slater comes in and asks who took a hunk out of his Twinkie. Seriously, why would you just walk in and that be your immediate question? And where was he storing his Twinkie that he thought one of his classmates might be the culprit? Did he have them hidden up Zack Morris’s rectum?

The three exit to tell Mr. Belding about the rats and Zack Morris ups the ante by scaring Tina and his fellow students about the rats, and Tina calmly reacts by screaming and jumping up in a chair with her tray perfectly balanced.

Tina chair

And then this walks in.

Mylo bat

Mylo bat 3

Mylo bat 2

And I fully expected that Mylo had finally snapped and was about to beat the crap out of everyone in the cafeteria with his baseball bat. But apparently this is his method of exterminating rats. Seriously, where did the school find this guy and why did they put him in charge of anything? And, for some reason, Screech is disturbed to find out that Mylo intends to kill his rats. What the fuck did he think they were going to do with them? Dress them up and send Miss Bliss out on a date with them?

Mr. Belding brings Dr. Atwater, the representative from School Days, to meet Miss Bliss. and interview her to see whether she is worthy of this great honor School Days wishes to bestow upon her. There’s some insinuation that Dr. Atwater wants the doors locked because she wants privacy and the insinuations are obvious: Dr. Atwater is a sleeper agent from the CIA come to kidnap Mr. Belding and three of his students and place them in new homes in California.

Belding Like This

It’s obvious that Mr. Belding doesn’t know fuck about Miss Bliss, and Mylo comes in to tell Mr. Belding about the rats, ending a very painful exchange and scene.

Oh my God. My mind is blown. Mylo convinces Mr. Belding he needs to close the school. Guys, in the history of bad writing, there has seldom been such fiercely terrible and unbelievable plot situations. This is the sort of bad that Ayn Rand and E.L. James only wish they could reach. I don’t have anything more to say about this other than fuck the writer who thought this was believable. Fuck him hard in the ass with Mylo’s baseball bat. And I won’t even mention that principals do not have the unilateral authority to just close their schools.

Zack Morris is ecstatic that he has shut the school down for…a week. Seriously, I can’t take much more of this plot. This is beyond asinine. And Zack Morris feels guilty as Mr. Belding comes in and tells Miss Bliss that Dr. Atwater can’t reschedule her observation of Miss Bliss’s class meaning she’s out of the running for the award, because when someone gives an award they always only give themselves exactly a week to decide whom to award it to just in case a bad Disney Channel show ever wants to base a plot on it..

Zack Niki stairs

After a commercial break, Zack Morris is sitting in the middle of the stairs obstructing students who need to go upstairs and tells Not-Jessie that he’s a piece of shit for ruining Miss Bliss’s chances of winning the award. Not-Jessie tells him he needs to man up and tell Miss Bliss the truth. She tells him she’ll give him hot study sex if he does and he rushes off to find Miss Bliss.

In Miss Bliss’s room, Miss Bliss tells Tina she’s slightly upset about being disqualified for the award.

Bliss upset

Zack Morris comes in the room, and we cut to him and Screech sitting in the office.

Zack Screech principal

Mr. Belding tells the two that there will be school the next day and Miss Bliss will be evaluated, but they have two weeks of detention. But he tells them if they can fix the contest to allow Miss Bliss to win he may cut their detention time. And thus ends the most asinine plot so far in the Saved by the Bell universe. It figures such an asinine plot is ended in such an asinine way.

And we cut to the Bliss Challenge, where Miss Miss is cross dressing as Ulysses S. Grant.

Bliss as Grant

Followed by Theodore Roosevelt.

Bliss as Rossevelt

And Snoopy pretending to be the Red Baron.

Bliss as Wright Brother

And a woman in a bad hat. She apparently also believes the Pilgrims to be our Founding Fathers, even though this term is usually reserved for the signers of the Declaration of Independence and other important Revolutionary War era people.

Bliss as pilgrim

Seriously none of this shit was on the chalkboard at the beginning of the episode for the kids to study, unless this is Miss Bliss’s idea of “Study Social Studies.” And how is stuff from the Pilgrims up through the early twentieth century on a midterm? That’s like enough material for the end of year final! Also, while Miss Bliss’s methods may make review fun, they’re hardly revolutionary in teaching. This is basically just a study version of Jeopardy minus the trademark infringing that would get the producers sued.

Dr. Atwater comes in to observe Miss Bliss’s class, and her reaction to sitting next to Zack Morris seems to be one of revulsion towards his sexual advances and a desire for him to stay as far the fuck away from her as possible, but it’s more likely the writers intended to convey that she doesn’t like kids, even though this does not play into the plot of the episode whatsoever nor is it particularly funny.

Zack Atwater

The kids all try to suck up and kiss ass now that Dr. Atwater is in the room and Miss Bliss finally tells her to get the fuck out, that she’s teaching her and her ass is only a distraction. Dr. Atwater tells Miss Bliss she better check herself before she wrecks herself and that she’s going to tell her colleagues at School Days what a rude ass she is kicking someone out rather than telling the students to shut the fuck up, but Miss Bliss is insistent.

Atwater

I’m assuming it’s at least a few days later in the next scene because Miss Bliss is passing back the midterms. Zack Morris got a B+ and he thanks Not-Jessie for her help and the two look as if they want to do some hot fucking. And Zack Morris does his best impression of David Caruso wearing the sunglasses they give you at the optometrist when they dilate your eyes.

Zack sunglasses

Mr. Belding comes in with an envelope with a letter telling Miss Bliss that she’s won the teacher of the year award. And they do their happy dance.

Bliss Belding High Five

This episode hurt my brain and that’s all I want to think about it.

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 7: “The Substitute”

Maintenance Note: If you tried to visit the site for much of yesterday, you’ll know that the site was down for an extended period. This was the fault of the webmaster, who inadvertently deleted all his files and had to do a restore (thank you VaultPress!). Luckily, everything was saved except for one comment by Mammoth. I’m so sorry Mammoth. Please don’t think I deleted your comment on purpose! Your comments are certainly appreciated!


Ah, the glamorized life of the substitute teacher! All kids want to be substitute teachers when they grow up because they know all the babes it will get them! There’s absolutely no crap that comes from substitute teaching, like kids who don’t respect you, faculty who look down on you, or sub-par pay grades. It’s all smooth sailing and poon, as this episode teaches us. Hell, I’m surprised this episode didn’t inspire a generation of kids to become substitute teachers!

We start the episode with the kids entering a classroom and, before we get started, I just need to ask what the fuck is up with one particular background character.

Skateboarding guy

I’ve seen Skateboarding Guy in a couple of other episodes but I’ve never been able to get a good cap of him. His entire personality seems to be centered around the fact that he skateboards around Bayside. My question: why is this allowed? He could seriously injure another person. We’ll see in this episode that some of the faculty are pretty frail and a teenager riding a skateboard in the hallways isn’t helping matters.

Zack Morris tells us in his monologue that he’s going to win Kelly’s heart using rap master Will Shakespeare. I think he may have been a gangsta rapper who was killed in a feud with Proust Diddy.

Miss Simpson

We’re in Miss Simpson’s English class. We’ll actually see her show up a few more times. Her entire stick is she’s old and deaf, to the point she can’t hear students’ responses or the bell ringing. Because in Saved by the Bell, hearing loss is a laughing matter. But she’s actually the only character who has an excuse for having no clue what’s going on around her.

Miss Simpson’s class is performing scenes from Romeo and Juliet, the most cliché of all Shakespeare’s plays and my least favorite. Of course it’s being hammed up here as a love story, even though it’s about a couple thirteen year olds who commit suicide after knowing each other a day. I had a professor at university who used to get pissed off that people would go to see this play on Valentine’s Day because it really isn’t a love story. But kids are stupid, so let’s pretend like it is.

Screech Lisa Romeo and Juliet

Up first is Lisa as Juliet and Screech as Romeo. Screech goes outside the text to take advantage of an opportunity to sexually harass Lisa because that’s his thing, and she’s basically like, “Oh, Romeo, Oh Romeo, shut the fuck up before I sticketh my foot up your ass, oh Romeo!.”

Next Miss Simpson picks Slater to be Romeo but Zack Morris tricks Slater into letting him do it instead. Zack Morris then tricks Kelly into standing up and volunteering to be Juliet, because everything is about Zack Morris and he is god.

Zack Kelly Romeo Juliet

Of course, Zack Morris’s rendition of Romeo makes Kelly wet herself with excitement. She swoons over Zack Morris’s performance until she accidentally drops her script. Miss Simpson leans down to pick it up but throws her back out in the process due to an “old hockey injury,” which, in her case, I hope is not a euphemism for hot fucking.

Hockey injury

She can’t walk to the nurse so the gang use Skateboarding Guy’s skateboard to transport her there, which is actually a clever plan except, in route, she’s subjected to the indignity of Lisa, Screech, and Mr. Belding using her back as a transport platform. I say she sue the fucking school for worker’s compensation.

Simpson skateboard

At The Max, Zack Morris steals Kelly away from Slater’s day at the beach by promising hot fucking while they scream out lines from Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, there’s no real point to this scene other than to continue to emphasize the girls’ obsession with Shakespeare that will play in within a few minutes, but the look on Slater’s face is great.

Zack stealing Kelly

The next day, the students are elated when Mr. Belding announces their teacher has been hospitalized because they’re apparently into the BDSM scene at Bayside High and are turned on by Miss Simpson’s pain. But the gang is getting a substitute teacher and, though Zack Morris believes they’ll be getting a “dweeb,” they actually get Mr. Tony Crane, the Ted McGinely of substitute teachers, because he’s all look and no substance. Mr. Crane almost instantly makes the girl swoon all over him with his eighties style parted haircut and his badly animated sparkle in his teeth. I want to know what the hell kind of teacher introduces himself by his full name and not by Mr. Crane. I wonder if he would punish them for calling him Tony. Maybe he’s into the BDSM scene, too. I could see him in leather chaps. I don’t want to, but I could.

Mr Crane

And Zack Morris almost instantly feels his masculinity threatened, or what little semblance of masculinity he has left after his date with Screech a couple episodes ago.

Zack threatened

After a commercial break, Mr. Crane is dressed as a Spanish dancer to perform Romeo and Juliet, because obviously Spanish costume is the most accurate for a play that takes place in medieval Italy.

Crane Spanish

Jessie, Lisa, Kelly, the Twins, and several other extras all stampede each other in a feminine stampede to be Mr. Crane’s Juliet and be the first to receive a bit of his spittle in their mouths.

Trying to be Juliet

Mr. Crane, who apparently got his English degree from the same incompetent university Mr. Belding got his administrator degree from, declares that, above all else, Romeo and Juliet is a love story. No it’s fucking not! It’s about medieval feuds and how they actually tare apart the family structure from within! Augh! This guy should not be teaching Shakespeare! The bell rings and all the boys leave, but the girls stay put giving Mr. Crane a look like the children of the corn.

Screech headlock

At The Max, the girls can’t think of anything but Mr. Crane, hoping that he’ll pick one of them to appear on an upcoming episode of To Catch a Predator with him. Meanwhile, Slater sets his sights on Screech for the release of his sexual tension.

Zack Musketeer

This episode really can’t get its medieval stereotypes straight as Zack Morris next comes in dressed as one of the Three Musketeers to try and impress Kelly, but the girls tell him to fuck off. If the class ever studies Greek literature, Zack Morris should dress as Oedipus. That’s sure to impress Kelly, or her mom at least.

Of course, Mr. Crane walks in and the girls start wetting themselves. They rush over to the jukebox so they can be directly upwind from him. Max tries to assure the boys that Mr. Crane probably doesn’t give a fuck about a bunch of stupid, lust-driven teenage girls, but then Mr. Crane invites the girls to sit with him. Zack Morris and Slater agree to put aside their differences to oppose the evil Mr. Crane before he steals all the girls.

In one of the girls’ bedroom (I think it’s Jessie’s because the Little House on the Prairie doll is in the background), the girls continue wetting themselves over Mr. Crane and somehow have a three-way fantasy about all three of them marrying him at once, and a three-way fantasy is in this show is less exciting than Screech’s bedroom on a Saturday night. But, because he’s a substitute, he has to leave their polygamist marriage and they end up having to marry Screech instead. Screech later wakes up in a cold sweat and realizes it’s all a dream and he’s still living in Indianapolis before Morpheus appears and offers Screech a red pill.

Girls brides

The next day, the boys have just gotten back from the set of the horrible late-eighties film She’s Out of Control, where they have bitch slapped Tony Danza and stolen one of his supporting actresses whom they have redubbed as “Vicki,” all in an effort to get the girls to stop loving Mr. Crane. She’s supposed to pretend to be his fiancé, but Screech accidentally gives the signal when Mr. Belding goes by instead of Mr. Crane. We next have a sequence where Vicki pretends to be in love with Mr. Belding and wants his hot manchowder and that no one since Tony Danza has satisfied her like Mr. Belding has.

Vicki Belding

Vicki says Mr. Crane’s name and he almost instantly figures out what’s going on. He puts on his Hardy Boys decoder ring and instantly suspects that the three boys who hid inside lockers moments earlier are to blame, and they tell him to back up off their women. Because women are property and you don’t fuck with a man’s property. Mr. Crane tells the boys he wants nothing to do with their underage jail bait girls and that seems to satisfy them. And somehow it wasn’t a very good plan because none of the girls were present when Vicki put on her performance.

At The Max, the gang was all asked by Mr. Crane to meet him there, and he comes in with Vicki on his arm, whom he has hired himself and addresses as his fiancé. He tells them that this was his last day and Miss Simpson will be back Monday, and have fun because he’s going to go bang Mr. Belding’s sloppy seconds. The girls are all butt hurt that a grown man dares to have his own life and love, but the boys swoop in to comfort them as Slater declares his truce with Zack Morris is over because women are ultimately just property to be fought over guys.

The Truce is over

First: Miss Simpson

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 7: “Save the Last Dance for Me”

In our cold opening, Not-Slater is wetting himself over the fact that he gets to tutor some girl named Shana in Math, because nothing gets me more in the mood for hot fucking than quadratic equations. He finds out she broke up with her boyfriend and, as soon as she’s out of sight, he starts doing jumping jacks in celebration.

Mikey jump

Miss Bliss’s voice over informs us that JFK hasn’t had an eighth grade dance in six years, apparently because two guys got into a fight and one broke the other’s nose. A law suit resulted that lead to the school paying for a nose job for the breakee. This makes absolutely no fucking sense. First of all, why would the school be liable for something two hormone-driven teenagers do in the heat of passion? And why would this lead to the school not holding a dance because of something that could happen at school any other time.

Oh, but Not-Jessie is leading the charge to get the dance reinstated and, wouldn’t you know it, it’s fucking Mr. Belding who refuses to have another dance. Not-Jessie pleads her case and I’m with her on this: it’s fucking ridiculous and completely unfair that these kids are being punished for something that happened when they were eight years old.

Niki pleading

And, of course, because Miss Bliss is the only adult at JFK with any semblance of sanity, she decides to take the students’ plea to Mr. Belding. And she brings Tina along to help since Tina is fluent in bat shit crazy. In the process of the conversation we find out just how much Mr. Belding abuses his position to get revenge on someone who stole his date in the eighth grade, which is quite disturbing. Why is this man in charge of a school full of kids?

Because, why not, Mr. Belding agrees to let her have the dance as long as it happens the next Saturday and as long as she agrees to chaperon it. Miss Bliss is initially resistant since she has a pity fuck with some guy named Sherman who she knows through an environmental charity scheduled for next Saturday, but she eventually agrees since she realizes she’d rather supervise a room full of horny teenagers than dish out pity sex.

Niki Lisa dates

Not-Jessie is excited because someone actually asked her to the dance but Lisa is all like fuck that shit! You can’t just say yes to a guy! You have to string them along until you’re sure no better guy will come along. Yeah, Lisa is a bitch.

Mikey Zack restroom

Not-Slater literally locks Zack Morris in the restroom for what I assumed would be hot gay butt fucking but turns out to just be a desire on Not-Slater’s part for advice on how to ask an unnamed girl out to the dance. Zack Morris is just like tell that hoe you want to fuck!

Zack Shana

In the hallway, Shana approaches Zack Morris and insinuates she needs a date to the dance and that there will be hot fucking afterwards. Zack Morris’s dick goes *bing* and he’s all like, “Girl, you want to go to the dance with me?” and she’s all like, “Sure! I hope my insinuations about how I want in your underwear weren’t too subtle!”

In the cafeteria, Shana finds Not-Slater and she’s excited she got a B+ on her test. Not-Slater sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask Shana to the dance but Shana’s all, “Fuck off. I’m going with Zack Morris and he’s gonna finger bang me after the dance!” And Not-Slater is dejected he’s not going to be the one doing the finger banging.

Mikey rejected

For some reason, Mr. Belding is communicating his unreasonable demands for the dance through Mylo, who informs Miss Bliss that there is to be no band, no slow dancing, and no fun at the dance. I guess Mr. Belding thinks the happening thing to do at an eighth grade dance is to stand around and chant the rosary with a lady friend. Mylo is all like, “This is fucking bullshit,” and throws his papers up in the air. And this is a first for me: the first episode I actually like Mylo.

Lisa apparently has had ten and a half people ask her out to the dance (she says the half is a guy with no neck that makes Screech look fuckable) but she refuses to commit to any of them because she only fucks quality central Indiana teenagers.

Screech auditioning

In the next scene, the gang’s in the cafeteria decorating for the dance, and Screech gets the job of deejay by threatening to dance with Lisa and Not-Jessie if they don’t give it to him. First, why is it up to Lisa and Not-Jessie who gets to be deejay? Second, if it is up to them, I don’t blame them. It’s a tough choice between giving Screech authority to choose the music or the ability to fondle your lady parts.

Miss Bliss tells Tina that her hot date to the dance will be Sherman because when she was trying to cancel on him, he mistakenly thought she was inviting him to the dance. Wait, what? Who thinks that even by mistake? If I thought someone was asking me on a date to an eighth grade dance I’d tell them to fuck off!

Mikey pop

Not-Slater comes in and pops Zack Morris’s weasel balloon. Not-Slater is hella pissed that Zack Morris is taking Shana to the dance. And you know what? I’m actually with Zack Morris on this for once. Not-Slater never once bothered to tell Zack Morris who the girl he wanted to fuck is. It’s not Zack Morris’s fault that he asked out a girl he didn’t know Not-Slater liked. But, of course, it nearly leads to fisticuffs and Miss Bliss intervenes just in time to force them into her room.

In her room, Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris and Not-Slater they need to kiss and make up. As soon as she leaves, Not-Slater says he’s gonna fuck up Zack Morris hella good if he shows up to the dance with Shana.

Zack Mikey Bliss

Cut to the dance, which is the epitome of everything horrible you imagine late-eighties fashion to be.

JFK dance

Lisa is with all ten of the guys who asked her to the dance, thus ending the Lisa is a slut subplot.

Lisa dates

Miss Bliss’s date to the eighth grade dance looks like he’s in his sixties.

Sherman

Screech is wearing what I can only assume is his prototype for the Michael Jackson outfit he’ll one day try to impress Lisa with.

DJ Screech

And Zack Morris is wearing his pajamas.

Zack Shana 2

Mr. Belding is showing off his horrible dance moves that we’ll see again in Saved by the Bell.

Belding Boogie

The only one who is looking fine is Mylo, who encourages the kids to get down with the hot fucking. I think this might be the first scene with Mylo that doesn’t make me want to stab his eyes out. Even if he is wearing Ray Charles sunglasses.

DJ Mylo

But no one has seen Not-Slater and Not-Jessie hopes he won’t show up ’cause she don’t want to see him hella fuck up Zack Morris.

Not-Slater walks in, though, and the crowd opens up for him and Zack Morris to have their duel. For whatever reason, all the adults have lost their fucking minds and have just decided to let them kill each other, despite Mr. Belding wanting to stop it. And, in the most convoluted and contrived climax I’ve ever seen on television, Zack Morris suddenly realizes that it’s bros before hoes and tells Not-Slater to punch him if it will make him feel better.

Mikey punch

And Not-Slater suddenly accepts Zack Morris’s apology and they agree to share Shana’s hot snatch. They also agree to be friends until the end of time, or at least until The Disney Channel cancels their show, prompting NBC to retool it and replace Not-Slater with a guy with Brillo pad hair, essentially pulling a Chuck Cunningham on him.

There’s so much wrong with this ending. First, Zack Morris didn’t do anything wrong, for once! Not-Slater is the asshole here! Second, why does Shana want either of these assholes? They’re starting a fight over her like she’s a piece of property. Why doesn’t she tell them to fuck off? Third, how did Zack Morris and Not-Slater go from being pissed off at each other to best friends again in under a minute? I mean, I know this show runs on sitcom time but this is almost as bad as when the music comes on in an episode of Full House solving every problem of the episode.

But at least this isn’t the last thing that happens, as we’re treated to Miss Bliss and Sherman tearing it up on the dance floor as we bid adieu to yet another of Miss Bliss’s dates that we’ll never see again.

Bliss Sherman dance

Firsts: Mr. Belding’s dancing, rivalry over a girl, Mylo isn’t annoying.

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 6: “Aloha Slater”

Zack 3rd place

Zack Morris enters The Max, apparently coming directly from a cross country meet without showering or changing or anything hygienic like that because the sweat molecules are helping maintain his hairstyle for this episode. And he’s pissing himself he’s so excited he got a third place ribbon because Kelly apparently has lowered her already low standards in order to accept third place losers and may finally put out for him. Kelly thinks the ribbon is just swell and gives him a friendly hug congratulating him, which is the closest Zack Morris has ever gotten to sex with Kelly and makes him think he’s finally going to reach her lady places later. Jessie is butt hurt because she’s jealous for some reason that Zack Morris actually succeeded at something since that’s her cliché, and Screech declares he once won fifth place in an ALF look-alike contest, which I’m sure he didn’t even need a costume for. Lately it seems like we’re on a kick of bringing back nostalgic nineties shows and, if they ever decide to bring ALF back, I think Dustin Diamond could still play a lovable furry alien who eats cats.

Slater trophy

Slater enters with a giant trophy he won as a wrestling champion, and the girls go crazy over his big ass trophy, presumably because they believe it’s scaled to indicate Slater’s size in other areas. Zack Morris is fucking jealous about the attention Slater is getting, especially when Kelly forgets about Zack Morris’s little tiny prize and goes after Slater’s ginormous one.

The adulation continues at school as Mr. Belding declares that Slater is the first champion Bayside has ever had at anything, which I find extremely hard to believe, but whatever. Zack Morris is more butt hurt than ever, especially when Kelly wants Slater to teach her how to wrestle, which I assume is a euphemism for hot fucking. For some reason, Mr. Belding decides it would be a good idea to let Slater do his winning wrestling move on him, which, considering the previous sentence, is extremely disturbing, and Mr. Belding ends up walking away towards the nurse’s office doing his best impression of Captain Hook if he were a member of the Lollipop Guild.

Belding wrestling move

Slater walks in the opposite direction as a gaggle of screaming female extras chase after him seeking to have his love child.

Girls gone wild

Zack Morris and Screech are left alone in the hallway when they’re approached by a tall, dark, Latino soldier who’s looking for Mr. Belding. While one may wish that this was the long awaited debut of G.I. José, it’s actually the first appearance of Major Martin Slater, Slater’s father.

Major Martin Slater

Zack Morris runs interference on directions to the nurse’s office because he has a secret homoerotic agenda towards the Slater family and wants to stalk the good Major and find out if he’s as strong, hunky, and big as his son.

Different directions

A badly drawn light bulb appears over Zack Morris’s head, and I suddenly think he may have an idea of how to follow the elder Slater based on my vast knowledge of Looney Tunes physics. They head to Mr. Belding’s ofice with Zack Morris declaring he has a plan to find out why Major Slater is there.

Zack light bulb

Mr. Belding and Major Slater soon enter Mr. Belding’s office and I’m kind of impressed that the writers remembered Mr. Belding’s Indiana background from Good Morning, Miss Bliss, as he tells Major Slater he served in the Indiana National Guard. This still doesn’t explain why Mr. Belding moved across the country with three of his students but it’s a refreshing bit of continuity.

Screech file cabinet

Screech’s head discretely pops out of Mr. Belding’s file cabinet and I’ll not even bother questioning how he could possibly get in the contortions to do that, other than the possibility that he’s actually Gumby and can bend his limbs in various convienent comic ways. He listens in on Major Slater tell Mr. Belding that the Slaters are going Hawaii. Major Slater got a transfer and he’s planning on taking Slater with him, because the Major says that’s all his son has ever wanted. Mr. Belding, because he can’t think of anything but himself, tries to talk Major Slater out of it because he doesn’t want to lose his wrestling champion, but Major Slater is insistent that his son will love Hawaii much more than his current locale full of stalky, creepy sociopaths left over from a Disney Channel show.

Mr. Belding calls Slater into his office and Slater is not sure he wants to move because the people at Bayside actually don’t hate his guts and he still has three more seasons until graduation to change their minds. Major Slater tells his son that he has four days to make up his mind whether he wants to go to Hawaii or stay in California for a few more years of wacky hijinks.

Zack Morris and Screech go to the holy sanctuary of Bayside that is the boy’s restroom to discuss what Screech has found out and Screech does his best Gollum from Lord of the Rings impersonation. I guess Dustin Diamond just has a knack for doing impressions of other-worldly, creepy fictional characters.

Screech Golem

Screech encourages Zack Morris that, if he’s ever going to fuck Kelly, he has to get rid of Slater and, since murder is still illegal in California, Zack Morris has a different idea to accomplish his nefarious purpose. He leaves Screech in the restroom as Screech switches to an impersonation of a turtle who’s been knocked on its back. I’m glad Dustin Diamond is such a versatile actor.

Screech floor

Zack Morris tells the girls that Slater is dying with the most fake sounding fake disease in the history of network television and that they should treat Slater like shit so that he’ll go to a clinic in Hawaii where he can be treated for said disease. Zack Morris has them spooked enough that Jessie goes to Mr. Belding to find out if it’s true and, of course, because it would make too much sense to just say what they’re talking about, Jessie assumes that Mr. Belding is talking about Slater dying when he says Slater doesn’t have much time. This is actually a well done play on words, especially by Saved by the Bell standards, and Jessie just thinks Mr. Belding is an insensitive jack ass because she now believes she has confirmation that Slater is dying. The real question, though, is whether Bayside has no semblance of student privacy as it seems like Mr. Belding is just constantly giving out confidential student information to anyone who asks.

Jessie tells Lisa and Kelly about her discovery. Zack Morris convinces them through a series of practical jokes that Slater is displaying symptoms of the onset of the disease including sneezing, itching, and loss of memory. The girls, being so sensitive, start their best impression of fake crying. Slater asks Zack Morris what’s wrong and he tells them that they were in home ec today and they’re just having lady problems. Oh, and Slater starts dancing like a leprechaun.

Slater itch sneeze

The girls start treating Slater like shit as Zack Morris suggested so that he’ll go to Hawaii, and Zack Morris steals Slater’s trophy from the trophy case. And apparently a half a day of being treated like shit is enough to convince Slater to go to Hawaii rather than actually trying to find out why people are treating him like shit. But then Kelly tells them she’s going with Slater because she wants to help him get better through hot fucking therapy. We find out Kelly has an uncle in Hawaii so she has a built in excuse for some hot Slater action. Slater soon realizes that this is all part of one of Zack Morris’s sociopathic schemes and starts playing along to get revenge on Zack Morris.

In the restroom, Slater begs Zack Morris to talk to Major Slater and convince him not to go to Hawaii and Zack Morris demonstrates how he can warp the laws of time and space.

Zack Time Out

At the Slater home, the father and son Slater have set up a room like a military office in preparation for Slater’s revenge on Zack Morris. Zack Morris enters and Major Slater, who must have kidnapped a Bayside faculty member for acting lessons, pretends to be bat shit crazy, including having hallucinations and taking the pin out of what he claims to be a live grenade. And Major Slater tries to grab Zack Morris’s hot ass for some reason.

Zack push ups

Major Slater’s bat shit crazy behavior makes Zack Morris flea in terror, and the Slater boys give thumbs up on a job well done.

Slaters thumbs up

I don’t get this scene at all. How is this supposed to be revenge against Zack Morris? Why would it do anything but convince Zack Morris that all people with the last name Slater are insane? And why doesn’t he call the police and tell them a madman is pulling the pins from live grenades?

None of these questions will be answered because we cut to The Max where the girls, Screech, and Max are throwing a Hawaiian themed farewell party for Slater.

Aloha Slater

The girls are all dressed in revealing hula outfits because they’re contractually obligated to take off their clothes a certain time each season to please the horny boys in the audience.

Girls hulas

And then the most disturbing thing in the history of Saturday morning programming comes out: Screech dressed as the “Pineapple Princess.” And make sure you notice the extra who’s looking lustfully at our Pineapple Princess in the background. Is this episode not rated M? I know I need an adult right now.

Pineapple Princess

They all start a conga line through The Max and I’m just imagining what it would be like to be a new customer right now. You walk into The Max for the first time ever and you first see a bunch of hot babes in hulas skirts but then you see the owner and a random cross-dressing male pubescent wierdo engaged in the hula too. I don’t know about you but I’d turn around and walk back out.

The Max conga

Zack Morris enters in the midst of it all with Slater’s trophy and the jig is up. Slater reveals he knew about Zack Morris’s plan and was trying to get back at Zack Morris. The girls all get pissed off at…Slater…

OK, I don’t get this. Sure, Slater is an asshole for not telling the girls right away when he realized Zack Morris was up to something, but the bigger asshole here is Zack Morris. I mean he’s a fucking sociopath. He was willing to manipulate the girls into getting Slater to go to Hawaii all for his own personal gain and then changed his mind when his personal gain was going to Hawaii with Slater. For fucks sake, this is the worst thing Zack Morris has done on this show yet. Someone have him examined by a trained mental health professional to find out if he ate Not-Slater and Not-Jessie last year and that’s why he had to move to California!

So our plot is wrapped up in a nice little bow and Zack Morris says he’s not terribly sad Slater is not leaving because now he has a chance to fulfill his homoerotic fantasies regarding Slater. And Slater does one more psycho thing by pulling out a grenade, pulling the pin, and tossing it to Zack Morris. The Max blows up and everyone in it dies horrible painful deaths, and next episode The New Class premieres as Mr. Belding tries to figure out where he went so long with these juvenile delinquents.

Firsts: Major Martin Slater (Slater’s father), Slater’s house, Zack Morris warping the laws of time and space.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 6: “Showdown”

In our cold open, Not-Slater wants to know what psychopath means, and I’d hoped it was because he’s apparently realized the dark road he’s going down after a few episodes ago when he took so much pleasure in the death of another living being. But, no, he’s making fun of the new kid in school and everyone else joins in, with Miss Bliss asking if it’s really fair to judge someone before you met them. Just then, the door opens and we’re introduced to our new kid, who appears to have been held back a few times.

New kid

Yes, this is our new “kid,” Deke Simmons, and Miss Bliss informs us in her voice over about how she always feels sorry for the new kid because he has to find a way to fit in when everyone always knows each other, but Miss Bliss forgets to mention the added complications of fitting in when you’re twenty but still in the eighth grade. Deke’s idea of fitting in is copying off Not-Slater’s paper and then cracking his pencil in two.

Deke-Mikey pencil

Yet apparently Deke still only answered one question because it was the only one he liked. Miss Bliss wants to give Deke a stern talking to but his murderous glances betray the fact that he’s gonna pop a cap in anyone who dares cross him.

We cut to the cafeteria/auditorium, where, sweet Jesus it’s a miracle! Tina appears to be teaching!

Tina teaching

I mean sure, this scene does nothing to further the main plot and only serves as a set up for the sub-plot which is essentially a pissing match between Not-Jessie and Lisa over the script for the school play, but heavens be praised! She does teach! Next thing you’ll tell me Mylo cleans! But anyway, apparently Not-Jessie wrote a stupid play about forest rangers and Lisa thinks forest rangers wear evening gowns, so our forced sup-plot advances.

Miss Bliss wants to review Deke’s school records and Mr. Belding is like, “Sure! It’s right here in the open where anyone, even my secretary or a passing student, can read it!” Apparently he’s been in eight new schools in the last year. I don’t blame them. It can be hard to integrate a man in his early twenties into an environment with pubescent teenagers.

Cut to the *sigh* boy’s restroom where Deke is busy assaulting Screech in an attempt to get Screech to do his homework for him. Miss Bliss had announced that Screech was the only student in her class who got 100% on the quiz, and this gave Deke the idea that Screech should become his personal scribe, thus explaining where school privacy laws came from.

Deke Screech assault

I guess it’s supposed to be at least two days later because Miss Bliss is handing back the papers and Deke’s name is spelled wrong on his. On top of this, Deke got a D+, leading Deke to declare that he’s going to commit child abuse against Screech for the massive wrong that’s been done to him. Paper mills would have been much more convenient and required much less assault on minors.

At lunch, Screech whines to Zack Morris and Not-Slater about Deke’s threatened disfigurement. Screech bribes Zack Morris $10 to convince Deke somehow not to pursue this bloody state of affairs, and why I don’t understand. Screech should know Zack Morris well enough by now to know that everything he ever touches is fucked up somehow. I guess the plot requires Zack Morris’s interference though.

Mylo’s freaking out because Tina is nailing fake trees to the floor and, you know what, I’m actually on Mylo’s side this time. Why the fuck does she need to nail fake trees to the stage? There are much better (and less destructive) ways of securing props to the stage than nails. Hell, why is Mylo the one intervening here? Why doesn’t Mr. Belding come in and send Tina for psychiatric evaluation? There’s also a boner joke where Mylo names the stage his “woody” and Tina threatens to nail Mylo’s woody. Oh and Miss Bliss bursts in and her suggestion of compromise causes them to blow up at each other. And thus ends the Tina and Mylo disagree about stage props subplot.

Bliss compromise

Miss Bliss then tries her hand at Lisa and Not-Jessie’s argument and it blows up as well.

Zack deke

Zack Morris confronts Deke about Screech and tells him Screech can beat the living shit out of him, which leads Deke to declare he’s now going to commit manslaughter against Screech now that he knows Screech can fight back. And it’s like I’m psychic. I also think we’re seeing why Deke’s been held back so many years. He must have contracted the same disease that Karen had in episode one where he can’t tell Zack Morris’s obvious bullshit from reality, which obviously caused him to be so dumb that he’s still trying to get past middle school well into his adult years.

Zack OJ

Later, Screech is hiding from Deke in his locker, and Zack Morris is giving him orange juice through the vent in the locker for some reason. Screech comes out and is almost immediately seen by Deke. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding passes by and shows his complete incompetence by not recognizing that one of his students needs an adult ASAP.

Belding fight

Luckily, Miss Bliss isn’t such a dumb ass and takes Deke away before he can commit a felony. Screech has suddenly become suicidal, however, and is pissed at Miss Bliss for not letting him be killed. It’s so cute how Screech is pretending he has anything remotely close to dignity and pride.

In her classroom, Miss Bliss just barely restrains herself from fucking up a bitch after Deke blows her off as needing to get off his case. And, somehow, Miss Bliss has figured out what fifteen years in the public school system couldn’t detect: that Deke can’t read. Oh, yay, more than halfway through the episode and it’s turned into a very special episode about illiteracy. Seriously, that just came out of fucking nowhere. There were no clues, no foreshadowing, no nothing, but she’s suddenly become Counselor Troi and is all like, “I’m going to help you read, young Deke!” And he’s like, “Fuck off, you Betazoid psycho.”

It seems that, in the final days of the Soviet Union, Mr. Belding was trying to take full advantage of forced resettlement into Siberia because he tell Miss Bliss in no uncertain terms that his goal for Deke is detention in a Soviet prison settlement. Miss Bliss is all, “Bitch, please, Deke ain’t no political prisoner of conscience. He needs the reading!” And Mr. Belding is all, “Back off, hoe, ain’t nothing I can do if Deke don’t want no reading!”

The Not-Jessie/Lisa fight subplot is wrapped up nice and neat with a bow when they start talking together like the creep twins from The Shining and declare their everlasting love for one another.

Lisa Nikki resolve

Meanwhile, Screech is looking for Deke so he can hurry and become a statistic of crimes against children before dinner time. Deke finds Screech and the rest of the gang try to protect him, but he’s determined to experience first hand what it’s like to be murdered by a twenty-one year old eighth grader.

Defending Screech

Deke and Screech go in…*sigh*…the boy’s restroom for their special encounter. Screech begs Deke to avoid his teeth as he’s just got some dental work done and still has hopes of having Lisa’s tongue in there someday should he survive. Deke thinks Screech is weird, which leads Screech to expound on how he’s the laughing stalk of the eighth grade. Deke is all, “No way, punk! I can’t read! I’m the laughing stalk!” Screech just looks at him and is like, “I don’t get it. Why’s that supposed to be funny?” This melts Deke’s icy heart and convinces him not only to not kill his seven year younger classmate, but to seek out Miss Bliss for some literacy training.

Screech is bragging to Not-Slater about supposedly intimidating Deke, but Miss Bliss and Deke come up behind him and he runs in terror as the three just watch in amusement at Screech’s abject terror of his classmate who can legally buy alcohol.

Watching Screech

So, I guess the moral here, kids, is learn to read, or you’ll be twenty and still in the eighth grade and getting your kicks from child abuse.

First: Tina actually teaches.

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 5: “Screech’s Woman”

We open with Slater and Jessie at The Max, and they’ve decided to team up for a science project, convinced they’re going to get an A and win a medal.Slater Jesse scienceSlater erupts his volcano goo all over Jessie’s dress, and, as they leave The Max to clean up, we get our first Zack Morris monologue of the week, which informs us that Zack Morris must get an A on the science project or face summer school. And it wouldn’t be Zack Morris if he wasn’t taking advantage of someone to get his shit done, in this case, Screech. Their project seems to be something that detects…canaries. Screech-Zack science Yeah, at this point, Slater and Jessie’s stupid little volcano is looking pretty good. Screech is wetting himself over Lisa again, and Kelly encourages him to go for Lisa, despite the fact that he already has many times and she’s made it quite clear that his advances are sexual harassment and she doesn’t have to take it. Zack Morris acts like the selfish bastard he is and tries to keep Screech from going over and telling Lisa about his feelings, but Screech doesn’t listen, and decides to go in for his latest humiliation. Screech embrace Oh but what’s this? Is Lisa finally embracing Screech’s creepy obsessive love? Lisa embrace Of course not, silly. She’s dating a random, nameless extra. Of course. Screech rejected Lisa not equally obsessing over him depresses Screech, making him not want to finish the science project, so he does the natural thing and goes to Zack Morris’s room to whine and moan about it. Zack Morris manages to blow up their science project by turning it on, causing a four alarm fire. Science explode Zack Morris, because he’s a fucking selfish bastard who can’t think of anything but the science project, totally lies to Screech and tells him lots of girls would want to fuck him. Screech does his best impression of a basset hound to show Zack Morris how confident he is in himself. Screech slouch Zack Morris encourages Screech to develop a persona of coolness by becoming a misogynistic bastard like himself. And Zack Morris hits Screech in the face with a pillow for no reason. At school, Screech tries to hit on a random girl and falls in a trash can as a result. And I should point out that one of the extras appears to be a gym teacher who does nothing but watch, opening up the school to all kinds of liability suits if Screech manages to kill himself. I kind of want to dub the voices of Beavis and Butt-head over him. Screech fall 1 Screech fall 2 Screech trash Yeah, that bit’s actually pretty funny. If only it had been head first. Random girl is not impressed by Screech’s ability to fall in a trash can and talk like a misogynistic douche, so she tells him to fuck off. Screech is even more depressed than before, so much so that he tries to stuff himself in his own locker. Zack Morris sends him off to loiter somewhere else because he has a plan to set Screech up with Jessie by making her feel sorry for Screech. Jessie is initially sympathetic until she finds out it’s Screech, and then she shows how much of a hypocritical bitch she is by rejecting the idea out of hand. I swear to god Kelly may be the only actual likable one of the girls. When Screech gets back, Zack Morris tells him a hot chick will call him on the payphone at 3:30, because payphones are where all initial contact between lovers occurs. But, at 3:30, Slater is talking to one of his hot lays in Italy, and Screech threatens to beat his ass if he doesn’t get off the phone. Slater Screech phone Screech tells Slater he has a hot fuck calling and Slater encourages him to be himself because, in this episode, Slater is the voice of reason. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding goes poo. I’m not fucking kidding. That’s all Mr. Belding does: walk into the restroom, open the stall, and close it to go poo. Not even an attempt at a joke or any context. Most awkward cutaway ever. The editor must have been on vacation this week. But someone in the audience seems to find it hilarious that Mr. Belding is going poo, probably because they have their thumbs up their own asses and can’t take poos themselves. Incidentally, this may be the first time in the Saved by the Bell universe that the restrooms are used for their intended purpose. Belding bathroom Back at the phone, the hot girl calls Screech and, judging by his side of the conversation, things seem to be going well. But, oh, in one of those plot twists only Saved by the Bell could pull off, Zack Morris goes in the restroom on his cell phone and reveals his feminine side as “Bambi,” Screech’s new love interest. And, of course, Mr. Belding, deep in poo mode, assumes Bambi is there to corner him and forcibly fuck him, because lots of high school girls do that sort of thing. Zack bathroom In one of those totally predictable sitcom clichés Saved by the Bell is so good at, Zack Morris leaves the room as Slater enters and hears Mr. Belding continuing to poo while talking to a girl named Bambi that he thinks wants to fuck him. This is another good scene and Slater understandably makes light of the situation. Slater bathroom At school some unspecified amount of time later, Screech is on top of the world because of Bambi and Zack Morris almost spills the beans about who Bambi is. But, of course, Screech is a moron and doesn’t pick up on it. Zack oops Screech wants to meet Bambi but Zack Morris tells Screech that he can’t meet Bambi because she’s having an identity crisis. Screech sulks out of the room and Jessie tells Zack Morris he’s an asshole, which he surprisingly agrees with. A random extra comes in and tells everyone to come look at Mr. Belding poo but, on the way, they find Screech has handcuffed himself to his locker and refuses to leave until he meets Bambi. Screech handcuffed Mr. Belding brings the locker with Screech into his office and there are some random bits where Mr. Belding’s secretary doesn’t know who he is and Kelly comes in to put her books in the locker next to Screech’s. locker office Mr. Belding calls Zack Morris into the office and tells him that he’s gonna slap a bitch if Zack Morris doesn’t get Bambi to meet Screech after school at The Max, so Zack Morris goes into action mode. Zack Morris has Lisa come over to play dress up with him and Jessie tags along to point and laugh. Zack Lisa Jessie dress At The Max, Screech is waiting for Bambi dressed as my grandfather. Screech Max And who should walk into The Max but Bambi herself. Bambi I put this screenshot through Google’s image search and, amusingly, it came up with this as a visually similar image: iceicebaby_wp There are some other hilarious examples, including an elderly Asian couple, an African-American man, a Ghanan business man, child actor Matthew Knight, and an Orthodox priest. Screech is wetting himself over Bambi despite the fact she looks like Vanilla Ice’s love child with Goldie Hawn. Screech introduces Bambi to Kelly and Slater, the only other two not in on it, and Slater hits on Bambi before realizing it’s Zack Morris. These people all need their vision checked. Kelly Bambi Slater, now knowing that Bambi is Zack Morris, encourages Screech to kiss him to make Lisa jealous and, of course, Screech, being a dumb ass, goes right for it. Screech pucker Horrified at the sight in front of him, Bambi declares that if they kiss, they have to fuck, which Screech agrees to of course. He then sets rule for their dating hoping that will drive him away, but Screech agrees to straightening his hair and dying it blonde as well as shaving his birds. But Screech won’t agree to the third demand, to get rid of Zack Morris as a friend because he has secret homoerotic desires for Zack Morris’s body. After Screech leaves, Jessie tells Zack Morris she thinks it’s sweet what he did for Screech. No it’s fucking not! He lied to Screech, trampled on his feelings, and dressed in drag to trick him. That’s called being a selfish, manipulative bastard, not being sweet! God, do none of these people have a fucking clue? And our episode ends with Zack Morris, in his current state of dress, trying to follow Kelly into the lady’s room so he can perv on her hoo hah. Nice. Bambi perv Firsts: The restrooms are used for their intended purpose, drag.

Saved by the Bell #1.1 (Roar Comics)

So they’ve been promoting this for years now and it’s finally out. In 2010, Lionforge, a digital comic book company, acquired the rights to create a digital Saved by the Bell comic book. And they released the first issue yesterday on their Roar Comics imprint.

So a bit of background on Saved by the Bell and comics. This is not the first attempt to translate Saved by the Bell into a comic format. In 1991, Harvey Comics, who became famous for releasing kid’s comics such as Casper the Friendly Ghost and Richie Rich, tried their hand at a Saved by the Bell comic. And it was horrible. Horribly written, horribly inked, and horribly drawn. It lasted seven total issues before mercifully being cancelled.

I have no idea what this comic will be like. I’m finding out along with you guys. A disclaimer: I’m a television and film critic, not a comic book critic, so this will be a learning curve for me, and I’m looking forward to it! So, with that, here is my review of Roar Comics’s Saved by the Bell issue #1!

Roar SBTB #1 Cover

Our cover is nothing particularly spectacular and I have a feeling that comic book reviewers might even say it’s a bit bland. It shows our seven main characters all posing. For a digital comic of such a nostalgic series, though, I think it does its job. It shows us how all seven characters will be drawn and it’s actually not bad. It looks like some of them have been updated, especially Slater, Zack Morris, and Jessie. Mr. Belding’s portrayal looks a bit off but I’ll just ignore that for now.

Our first story is called “Zack to School” and Zack Morris informs us he has better things to do than go to some freshman orientation, like sexually harass Kelly Kapowski. And wouldn’t you know it, who walks by but Kelly, asking Zack Morris if he’s cutting class.

Zack Cutting Class

He replies, “I can figure out where the gym is.” Hello, editor, I think you meant to say, “I can’t figure out where the gym is.” Otherwise it makes Zack Morris seem like he needs some remedial education. Zack Morris asks Kelly to go to The Max for lunch because that’s where all the cool Bayside kids go on the last open high school campus in America, and almost immediately Jessie and Lisa come out, prompting Kelly to invite them. Zack Morris looks perturbed because he was hoping to fuck Kelly and everyone is cock blocking him. Interesting here, Jessie is a vegan and insists they should be called “Fresh-People” instead of “Freshmen.” I guess that’s fitting for her personality.

In class, Zack Morris tells Screech he has to figure out a way to get Kelly alone at The Max, and Screech offers to eat lots of beans and hand out some flatulence. Zack Morris is understandably not impressed with this plan. Instead, he tells Lisa there’s another girl at Bayside wearing the same outfit she is, prompting her to go home and change. He tells Jessie there’s going to be a pop quiz in Algebra, prompting her to study. OK, the Lisa one I can believe but I have a hard time believing Jessie’s such a dumb ass she’d believe there’s a pop quiz on the first day of school.

Blowing off Screech

Zack Morris tells Screech to fuck off to the cafeteria so he can ask Kelly out. At The Max, Zack Morris comes in late and tells Kelly the others must have gotten lost. She says she had to order because it was getting so late and he picks up the hamburger at the empty seat, preparing to eat it. But turns out Kelly didn’t order it for Zack Morris! Yes it’s, *dum dum dum* Slater’s hamburger!

Slater's Hamburger

Kelly invited Slater to join them since he’s new to town and Zack Morris immediately wants to kill him. He tries to one up Slater when Kelly thinks it’s cool Slater’s dad was in the army. But he does it by saying his own dad was in the KISS army. He fought alongside Gene Simmons to liberate Vietnam to rock ‘n roll all night and party every day.

Slater and Zack Morris both try to pour Kelly some water but Zack Morris spills it all over Kelly’s clothes, prompting her to run to the restroom for an emergency potty break. Slater and Zack Morris start fighting over whose property Kelly is and Slater tells Zack Morris to back off.

Zack Morris invites Kelly to study with him after school. Wait, what the fuck do they have to study on the first day of the freshman year of high school? Zack Morris offers to come along and help and Slater obviously doesn’t like the idea, but Kelly thinks it’s a good idea because she can’t take Slater in the boy’s locker room to show him how ginormous the other kids’ penises are.

Back at school, Zack Morris enlists Screech to help him get Slater into detention. Screech approaches Slater and tells him that he needs to win over Kelly’s friends because she’ll listen to her friends on who she should fuck. Slater tries to be nice to Jessie by offering to carry her books and she assumes he’s trying to say women are weak. He then tells Lisa that she and Screech make a cute couple and she tells Slater to go fuck himself.

Zack Slater shoes

Slater goes to class, and Zack Morris sits next to him, encouraging him to take his shoes off in class because apparently that will get him detention? He then tries to get Slater to wear a hat because apparently Bayside is anal retentive about what its students wear. Finally, Zack Morris order pizza for Slater because eating in class will get him detention. This gets our unnamed teacher to send Slater to Mr. Belding’s office as Zack Morris tells Slater the most important rule at Bayside is don’t fuck with Zack Morris.

Slater Detention

In detention, Slater insists to Mr. Belding that he was framed for the pizza delivery. Mr. Belding doesn’t believe Zack Morris would go that far but decides to investigate anyway.

In the hallway, Jessie and Lisa are bragging about their one defining characteristics. Jessie managed to learn French on her first day of school and Lisa wants to go hang out at the mall. Zack Morris tells them he’s off to fuck Kelly. Mr. Belding confronts Zack Morris about the pizza and Zack Morris denies he had anything to do with it. Right at that moment, Jessie asks Screech if she can borrow a dollar and Screech, right in front of Mr. Belding tells Jessie he gave his last dollar to Zack Morris so Zack Morris could frame Slater with a pizza. Screech suggests she ask the old guy standing right behind him, and our next frame shows Mr. Belding releasing Slater as he brings Zack Morris in.

Slater tells Zack Morris he’s a fuckhead and now he’s going to go fuck Kelly, and Zack Morris tells Slater he better run because she’s been waiting for fifteen minutes.

Slater running

Slater starts running but a hall monitor catches him and sends him back to detention. Seriously, he blames it on Zack Morris but who doesn’t know you’re not supposed to run in the hallways at school? Zack Morris tells Slater he’s a worthy advesary and Slater tells Zack Morris he’s going to fuck him up. The teacher asks Mr. Belding if he thinks those two are going to be a problem. Mr. Belding tells him no way that he scared Zack Morris straight. Oh, the naivete!

Kelly thinks she’s been stood up by both Slater and Zack Morris and seems depressed because she thought they both wanted to go out with her. Because, of course, as a pretty girl, her self-worth depends on guys liking her. Lisa asks which one she would pick and she says neither because they’re both fucking losers who deserve to grow lonely together. So Kelly decides to do the only logical thing to cheer herself up: flirt with older boys, and our comic ends with Zack Morris and Slater watching the scene from detention and blaming each other for Kelly thinking they’re both douches.

Your fault

So not a bad start to the comic! The art is beautiful, much improved over the old Harvey comics and, despite a few inconsistencies, the artists and writers seem very talented and they have actually captured the spirit of the old Saved by the Bell series, cheesiness and all, very well. If you like Saved by the Bell, check this comic out. It’s $1.99 on Amazon so it’s pretty reasonably priced. We’ll see in the coming issues if it maintains my attention.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 5: “Parents and Teachers”

Our cold opening starts in the girl’s restroom, which Lisa is using as a personal make-up counter because no one in the Saved by the Bell universe actually uses the restroom for its intended purpose. That’s crazy talk!

Lisa Makeup

Not-Jessie comes in moaning and complaining because it’s parent-teacher conference week and she’s scared that her parents are going to find out she’s only super smart and not super fantastically Einstenian smart. I think in some circles they call this “rich white people problems.”

Speaking of Einstein, his fashion-challenged love child with Mozart comes down the hallway as Miss Bliss gives her voice over, discussing how parent-teacher conference week is like an anxiety filled show and tell. I swear, every teacher in the Saved by the Bell universe except Miss Bliss must have some fucking character deformity. Where did Mr. Belding hire these weirdos?

Einstein teacher

Not-Slater comes running up.

Mikey Hot Lead

He’s desperate to take Zack Morris on a date to see “Hot Lead” who are a band I guess, but Zack Morris doesn’t think they can get tickets because they’re going on sale at 10:00 am on a Thursday in the middle of school. Zack Morris being sensible and restrained and the voice of reason? What alternate universe is this?!?! Oh, and Not-Slater makes sure to emphasize that Zack Morris’s parents are divorced.

Not-Slater bounds up the stairs, nearly knocking down Miss Bliss and Tina, and, of course, neither of them would do anything like punish him or tell him to stop running on the stairs. That would make too much fucking sense.

Mikey rude

Oh, and I suppose I should point out that Tina has yet another horrible outfit as this week she’s dressed as a cowgirl with a cow print skirt. Please, Tina, let Miss Bliss or Lisa take you shopping, girl.

Tina outfit

Miss Bliss tells Tina about how a Peter fucked her last weekend on a rowing trip. She’s practically wetting herself over her Peter as she talks about the experience, despite the fact that her Peter doesn’t have a last name. Apparently that was a rule of the weekend: no last names, no past, no present. Because last names are the last thing I want to know when I go after a potential mate. Pesky details. They’re setting Miss Bliss up for disappointment. She might find out her Peter is a serial killer, or a Red Socks fan.

In the office, Mr. Belding is shitting himself because he hates parent-teacher conference week and is scared all the parents will hate him because parents hate principals universally because they were sent to principals as kids, which makes absolutely no fucking sense. I don’t know about the parents in Indianapolis but I have enough common sense to realize that every principal is different.

Screech is depressed about something but we won’t find out what it is until later because the episode is trying its damndest to build tension.

Screech depressed

Miss Bliss begins to talk about parent-teacher conference week and Zack Morris makes it a point to let her know his mother won’t be there because she’s out of town but that his father will. But, of course, he has to add on a load of bullshit about his father having a medical condition that’s aggravated by surprises, as if he thinks Miss Bliss will buy that line.

Zack story

That night, Mylo is giving a tour of the school to a group of parents who look bored out of their fucking minds. Why is a custodian even a part of parent-teacher conferences? Shouldn’t he be, like, cleaning or something? Oh, I forgot, Mylo doesn’t ever do shit but complain and gossip and goof off.

Mylo tour

Meanwhile Mr. Belding and Miss Bliss come in and, when introduced as the principal, the parents all turn and walk away from Mr. Belding while groaning because grown ass people prejudging school administrators is funny.

Miss Bliss completes a conference with Principia von Snickety Bitch, and Miss Bliss actually gets her claws out after the hag leaves the room.

Snob

And wouldn’t you know, in walks Miss Bliss’s Peter that she likes to play with. And Peter turns out to be the guy who starred with Erik Estrada on CHiPs. Because I guess there’s a rule somewhere that says once your career goes downhill you have to star in a Disney Channel show.

Peter Morris

I’ll give you three guesses what Peter’s last name is and if you say anything but “Morris” you lose.

Now I have to say that I find it extremely unbelievable and inconsistent that Miss Bliss has never met Zack Morris’s father. Every indication we’ve had so far is that she knew Zack Morris previous to this year, so you’re telling me she just didn’t bother to ever meet his father before this particular episode?

So Miss Bliss is horrified to find out the Peter who’s been fucking her is the Peter who produced Zack Morris. After all, this means that she has the potential to become Zack Morris’s mama and not just his sugar mama.

Bliss shocked

She sits her Peter down and tells him how important Zack Morris is to her and how she can’t play with him anymore. And she says that Zack Morris has the most potential out of all the students in her room, which seems an unfair indictment on everyone else.

Screech Bliss

The next day, Screech interrupts Miss Bliss’s lunch to whine about how he’s been lying to his parents about what kind of student he is. They think that he’s athletic, popular, and important, which must mean they’re blind. Miss Bliss tells him to fuck off while she’s eating her lunch and just man up and tell them the truth.

Miss Bliss’s Peter comes back to visit her and she tries to rebuff his advances but he won’t be satisfied until Miss Bliss kisses her Peter.

Peter Bliss kiss

Zack Morris comes in and tries to play it cool about Miss Bliss kissing her Peter, but he’s visibly horrified.

Zack horrified

Zack Morris insists that he’s ok with Miss Bliss and her Peter but subtle acting skills and context clues suggest differently.

Because all important conversations in the Saved by the Bell universe take place in the restroom, Zack Morris tells Not-Slater the entire story the next day while he’s sitting on the can.

Zack Mikey restroom

Zack Morris has a devious look in his eyes and he tells Not-Slater he has a plan to use Miss Bliss and her Peter to go to the Hot Lead concert.

In class, the Screech story line is resolved by Screech revealing he told his parents the truth after all, and they just want him to be him. Poor souls. I guess they had to give Screech some relevance to this episode. Meanwhile, Zack Morris tells Miss Bliss he couldn’t finish his homework because he was busy talking to her Peter about her kisses. She buys the excuse, sending Not-Jessie into shock mode.

Nikki shocked again

The parents hating Mr. Belding subplot is wrapped up in the teacher’s lounge when Mylo reveals that Mr. Belding hung out with the parents and told principals jokes involving Gumby and Pokey. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

After Mylo leaves, Miss Bliss asks Mr. Belding what she should do about her Peter, and there’s actually a funny gag where Mr. Belding unknowingly guesses who Miss Bliss’s Peter is. Mr. Belding briefly sounds like he’s going to be insightful before he awkwardly asks for the ketchup.

The next day, Zack Morris and Not-Slater are missing from class and, with a stern look from Miss Bliss, Screech spills the beans about the plan to get Hot Lead tickets.

Bliss stern

For like the third time in the series, Miss Bliss abandons her class to go confront Zack Morris and Not-Slater in the hallway who are just, by the power of plot contrivance, getting back after being unable to get Hot Lead tickets because the band got mumps. What was the concert that night? Don’t tickets for concerts usually go on sale weeks or months in advance, not the day of the concert? And who still got the mumps in the late twentieth century?

Zack Morris smarts off to Miss Bliss, which should make her slap the shit out of him, but doesn’t.

Zack smart ass

Miss Bliss sends Not-Slater back to class, telling him she’ll give him a spanking later, and she forces Zack Morris to open up about how he really feels about her and her Peter.

Zack Bliss heart to heart

Zack Morris tells Miss Bliss he hates seeing her kiss her Peter and he doesn’t want her to kiss her Peter anymore. He’d rather she kiss his peter. Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris she’s always willing to kiss his peter,but he’s still in trouble for cutting class and she’ll properly punish him later.

After school, Miss Bliss’s Peter comes to see her about Zack Morris, and she tells her Peter they can’t see each other again until Zack Morris’s peter graduates. After that, she tells her Peter, she’s fair game.

I have to admit, after the last two episodes, I had some trouble making fun of this one. It was actually…pretty good. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the subplots involving Screech and Mr. Belding are asinine and unneeded and there’s still a ton of plot holes and inconsistencies, but Hayley Mills really got to shine in this one. She got a plot that probably really is often a dilemma for teachers: to date or not to date a parent. She really proves here that she is a good actress and has deserved more than what she got in her later career, and she’s able to project a certain warmth and caring for the students that’s missing from Saved by the Bell. It really does make me sad they didn’t carry her over as a character, but they probably would have rewritten her as some crazy ass biology teacher.

Firsts: The restroom, Peter Morris (Zack Morris’s father).