Our cold opening starts in the girl’s restroom, which Lisa is using as a personal make-up counter because no one in the Saved by the Bell universe actually uses the restroom for its intended purpose. That’s crazy talk!
Not-Jessie comes in moaning and complaining because it’s parent-teacher conference week and she’s scared that her parents are going to find out she’s only super smart and not super fantastically Einstenian smart. I think in some circles they call this “rich white people problems.”
Speaking of Einstein, his fashion-challenged love child with Mozart comes down the hallway as Miss Bliss gives her voice over, discussing how parent-teacher conference week is like an anxiety filled show and tell. I swear, every teacher in the Saved by the Bell universe except Miss Bliss must have some fucking character deformity. Where did Mr. Belding hire these weirdos?
Not-Slater comes running up.
He’s desperate to take Zack Morris on a date to see “Hot Lead” who are a band I guess, but Zack Morris doesn’t think they can get tickets because they’re going on sale at 10:00 am on a Thursday in the middle of school. Zack Morris being sensible and restrained and the voice of reason? What alternate universe is this?!?! Oh, and Not-Slater makes sure to emphasize that Zack Morris’s parents are divorced.
Not-Slater bounds up the stairs, nearly knocking down Miss Bliss and Tina, and, of course, neither of them would do anything like punish him or tell him to stop running on the stairs. That would make too much fucking sense.
Oh, and I suppose I should point out that Tina has yet another horrible outfit as this week she’s dressed as a cowgirl with a cow print skirt. Please, Tina, let Miss Bliss or Lisa take you shopping, girl.
Miss Bliss tells Tina about how a Peter fucked her last weekend on a rowing trip. She’s practically wetting herself over her Peter as she talks about the experience, despite the fact that her Peter doesn’t have a last name. Apparently that was a rule of the weekend: no last names, no past, no present. Because last names are the last thing I want to know when I go after a potential mate. Pesky details. They’re setting Miss Bliss up for disappointment. She might find out her Peter is a serial killer, or a Red Socks fan.
In the office, Mr. Belding is shitting himself because he hates parent-teacher conference week and is scared all the parents will hate him because parents hate principals universally because they were sent to principals as kids, which makes absolutely no fucking sense. I don’t know about the parents in Indianapolis but I have enough common sense to realize that every principal is different.
Screech is depressed about something but we won’t find out what it is until later because the episode is trying its damndest to build tension.
Miss Bliss begins to talk about parent-teacher conference week and Zack Morris makes it a point to let her know his mother won’t be there because she’s out of town but that his father will. But, of course, he has to add on a load of bullshit about his father having a medical condition that’s aggravated by surprises, as if he thinks Miss Bliss will buy that line.
That night, Mylo is giving a tour of the school to a group of parents who look bored out of their fucking minds. Why is a custodian even a part of parent-teacher conferences? Shouldn’t he be, like, cleaning or something? Oh, I forgot, Mylo doesn’t ever do shit but complain and gossip and goof off.
Meanwhile Mr. Belding and Miss Bliss come in and, when introduced as the principal, the parents all turn and walk away from Mr. Belding while groaning because grown ass people prejudging school administrators is funny.
Miss Bliss completes a conference with Principia von Snickety Bitch, and Miss Bliss actually gets her claws out after the hag leaves the room.
And wouldn’t you know, in walks Miss Bliss’s Peter that she likes to play with. And Peter turns out to be the guy who starred with Erik Estrada on CHiPs. Because I guess there’s a rule somewhere that says once your career goes downhill you have to star in a Disney Channel show.
I’ll give you three guesses what Peter’s last name is and if you say anything but “Morris” you lose.
Now I have to say that I find it extremely unbelievable and inconsistent that Miss Bliss has never met Zack Morris’s father. Every indication we’ve had so far is that she knew Zack Morris previous to this year, so you’re telling me she just didn’t bother to ever meet his father before this particular episode?
So Miss Bliss is horrified to find out the Peter who’s been fucking her is the Peter who produced Zack Morris. After all, this means that she has the potential to become Zack Morris’s mama and not just his sugar mama.
She sits her Peter down and tells him how important Zack Morris is to her and how she can’t play with him anymore. And she says that Zack Morris has the most potential out of all the students in her room, which seems an unfair indictment on everyone else.
The next day, Screech interrupts Miss Bliss’s lunch to whine about how he’s been lying to his parents about what kind of student he is. They think that he’s athletic, popular, and important, which must mean they’re blind. Miss Bliss tells him to fuck off while she’s eating her lunch and just man up and tell them the truth.
Miss Bliss’s Peter comes back to visit her and she tries to rebuff his advances but he won’t be satisfied until Miss Bliss kisses her Peter.
Zack Morris comes in and tries to play it cool about Miss Bliss kissing her Peter, but he’s visibly horrified.
Zack Morris insists that he’s ok with Miss Bliss and her Peter but subtle acting skills and context clues suggest differently.
Because all important conversations in the Saved by the Bell universe take place in the restroom, Zack Morris tells Not-Slater the entire story the next day while he’s sitting on the can.
Zack Morris has a devious look in his eyes and he tells Not-Slater he has a plan to use Miss Bliss and her Peter to go to the Hot Lead concert.
In class, the Screech story line is resolved by Screech revealing he told his parents the truth after all, and they just want him to be him. Poor souls. I guess they had to give Screech some relevance to this episode. Meanwhile, Zack Morris tells Miss Bliss he couldn’t finish his homework because he was busy talking to her Peter about her kisses. She buys the excuse, sending Not-Jessie into shock mode.
The parents hating Mr. Belding subplot is wrapped up in the teacher’s lounge when Mylo reveals that Mr. Belding hung out with the parents and told principals jokes involving Gumby and Pokey. Yeah, I don’t get it either.
After Mylo leaves, Miss Bliss asks Mr. Belding what she should do about her Peter, and there’s actually a funny gag where Mr. Belding unknowingly guesses who Miss Bliss’s Peter is. Mr. Belding briefly sounds like he’s going to be insightful before he awkwardly asks for the ketchup.
The next day, Zack Morris and Not-Slater are missing from class and, with a stern look from Miss Bliss, Screech spills the beans about the plan to get Hot Lead tickets.
For like the third time in the series, Miss Bliss abandons her class to go confront Zack Morris and Not-Slater in the hallway who are just, by the power of plot contrivance, getting back after being unable to get Hot Lead tickets because the band got mumps. What was the concert that night? Don’t tickets for concerts usually go on sale weeks or months in advance, not the day of the concert? And who still got the mumps in the late twentieth century?
Zack Morris smarts off to Miss Bliss, which should make her slap the shit out of him, but doesn’t.
Miss Bliss sends Not-Slater back to class, telling him she’ll give him a spanking later, and she forces Zack Morris to open up about how he really feels about her and her Peter.
Zack Morris tells Miss Bliss he hates seeing her kiss her Peter and he doesn’t want her to kiss her Peter anymore. He’d rather she kiss his peter. Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris she’s always willing to kiss his peter,but he’s still in trouble for cutting class and she’ll properly punish him later.
After school, Miss Bliss’s Peter comes to see her about Zack Morris, and she tells her Peter they can’t see each other again until Zack Morris’s peter graduates. After that, she tells her Peter, she’s fair game.
I have to admit, after the last two episodes, I had some trouble making fun of this one. It was actually…pretty good. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the subplots involving Screech and Mr. Belding are asinine and unneeded and there’s still a ton of plot holes and inconsistencies, but Hayley Mills really got to shine in this one. She got a plot that probably really is often a dilemma for teachers: to date or not to date a parent. She really proves here that she is a good actress and has deserved more than what she got in her later career, and she’s able to project a certain warmth and caring for the students that’s missing from Saved by the Bell. It really does make me sad they didn’t carry her over as a character, but they probably would have rewritten her as some crazy ass biology teacher.
Firsts: The restroom, Peter Morris (Zack Morris’s father).