Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 5: “Screech’s Woman”

We open with Slater and Jessie at The Max, and they’ve decided to team up for a science project, convinced they’re going to get an A and win a medal.Slater Jesse scienceSlater erupts his volcano goo all over Jessie’s dress, and, as they leave The Max to clean up, we get our first Zack Morris monologue of the week, which informs us that Zack Morris must get an A on the science project or face summer school. And it wouldn’t be Zack Morris if he wasn’t taking advantage of someone to get his shit done, in this case, Screech. Their project seems to be something that detects…canaries. Screech-Zack science Yeah, at this point, Slater and Jessie’s stupid little volcano is looking pretty good. Screech is wetting himself over Lisa again, and Kelly encourages him to go for Lisa, despite the fact that he already has many times and she’s made it quite clear that his advances are sexual harassment and she doesn’t have to take it. Zack Morris acts like the selfish bastard he is and tries to keep Screech from going over and telling Lisa about his feelings, but Screech doesn’t listen, and decides to go in for his latest humiliation. Screech embrace Oh but what’s this? Is Lisa finally embracing Screech’s creepy obsessive love? Lisa embrace Of course not, silly. She’s dating a random, nameless extra. Of course. Screech rejected Lisa not equally obsessing over him depresses Screech, making him not want to finish the science project, so he does the natural thing and goes to Zack Morris’s room to whine and moan about it. Zack Morris manages to blow up their science project by turning it on, causing a four alarm fire. Science explode Zack Morris, because he’s a fucking selfish bastard who can’t think of anything but the science project, totally lies to Screech and tells him lots of girls would want to fuck him. Screech does his best impression of a basset hound to show Zack Morris how confident he is in himself. Screech slouch Zack Morris encourages Screech to develop a persona of coolness by becoming a misogynistic bastard like himself. And Zack Morris hits Screech in the face with a pillow for no reason. At school, Screech tries to hit on a random girl and falls in a trash can as a result. And I should point out that one of the extras appears to be a gym teacher who does nothing but watch, opening up the school to all kinds of liability suits if Screech manages to kill himself. I kind of want to dub the voices of Beavis and Butt-head over him. Screech fall 1 Screech fall 2 Screech trash Yeah, that bit’s actually pretty funny. If only it had been head first. Random girl is not impressed by Screech’s ability to fall in a trash can and talk like a misogynistic douche, so she tells him to fuck off. Screech is even more depressed than before, so much so that he tries to stuff himself in his own locker. Zack Morris sends him off to loiter somewhere else because he has a plan to set Screech up with Jessie by making her feel sorry for Screech. Jessie is initially sympathetic until she finds out it’s Screech, and then she shows how much of a hypocritical bitch she is by rejecting the idea out of hand. I swear to god Kelly may be the only actual likable one of the girls. When Screech gets back, Zack Morris tells him a hot chick will call him on the payphone at 3:30, because payphones are where all initial contact between lovers occurs. But, at 3:30, Slater is talking to one of his hot lays in Italy, and Screech threatens to beat his ass if he doesn’t get off the phone. Slater Screech phone Screech tells Slater he has a hot fuck calling and Slater encourages him to be himself because, in this episode, Slater is the voice of reason. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding goes poo. I’m not fucking kidding. That’s all Mr. Belding does: walk into the restroom, open the stall, and close it to go poo. Not even an attempt at a joke or any context. Most awkward cutaway ever. The editor must have been on vacation this week. But someone in the audience seems to find it hilarious that Mr. Belding is going poo, probably because they have their thumbs up their own asses and can’t take poos themselves. Incidentally, this may be the first time in the Saved by the Bell universe that the restrooms are used for their intended purpose. Belding bathroom Back at the phone, the hot girl calls Screech and, judging by his side of the conversation, things seem to be going well. But, oh, in one of those plot twists only Saved by the Bell could pull off, Zack Morris goes in the restroom on his cell phone and reveals his feminine side as “Bambi,” Screech’s new love interest. And, of course, Mr. Belding, deep in poo mode, assumes Bambi is there to corner him and forcibly fuck him, because lots of high school girls do that sort of thing. Zack bathroom In one of those totally predictable sitcom clichés Saved by the Bell is so good at, Zack Morris leaves the room as Slater enters and hears Mr. Belding continuing to poo while talking to a girl named Bambi that he thinks wants to fuck him. This is another good scene and Slater understandably makes light of the situation. Slater bathroom At school some unspecified amount of time later, Screech is on top of the world because of Bambi and Zack Morris almost spills the beans about who Bambi is. But, of course, Screech is a moron and doesn’t pick up on it. Zack oops Screech wants to meet Bambi but Zack Morris tells Screech that he can’t meet Bambi because she’s having an identity crisis. Screech sulks out of the room and Jessie tells Zack Morris he’s an asshole, which he surprisingly agrees with. A random extra comes in and tells everyone to come look at Mr. Belding poo but, on the way, they find Screech has handcuffed himself to his locker and refuses to leave until he meets Bambi. Screech handcuffed Mr. Belding brings the locker with Screech into his office and there are some random bits where Mr. Belding’s secretary doesn’t know who he is and Kelly comes in to put her books in the locker next to Screech’s. locker office Mr. Belding calls Zack Morris into the office and tells him that he’s gonna slap a bitch if Zack Morris doesn’t get Bambi to meet Screech after school at The Max, so Zack Morris goes into action mode. Zack Morris has Lisa come over to play dress up with him and Jessie tags along to point and laugh. Zack Lisa Jessie dress At The Max, Screech is waiting for Bambi dressed as my grandfather. Screech Max And who should walk into The Max but Bambi herself. Bambi I put this screenshot through Google’s image search and, amusingly, it came up with this as a visually similar image: iceicebaby_wp There are some other hilarious examples, including an elderly Asian couple, an African-American man, a Ghanan business man, child actor Matthew Knight, and an Orthodox priest. Screech is wetting himself over Bambi despite the fact she looks like Vanilla Ice’s love child with Goldie Hawn. Screech introduces Bambi to Kelly and Slater, the only other two not in on it, and Slater hits on Bambi before realizing it’s Zack Morris. These people all need their vision checked. Kelly Bambi Slater, now knowing that Bambi is Zack Morris, encourages Screech to kiss him to make Lisa jealous and, of course, Screech, being a dumb ass, goes right for it. Screech pucker Horrified at the sight in front of him, Bambi declares that if they kiss, they have to fuck, which Screech agrees to of course. He then sets rule for their dating hoping that will drive him away, but Screech agrees to straightening his hair and dying it blonde as well as shaving his birds. But Screech won’t agree to the third demand, to get rid of Zack Morris as a friend because he has secret homoerotic desires for Zack Morris’s body. After Screech leaves, Jessie tells Zack Morris she thinks it’s sweet what he did for Screech. No it’s fucking not! He lied to Screech, trampled on his feelings, and dressed in drag to trick him. That’s called being a selfish, manipulative bastard, not being sweet! God, do none of these people have a fucking clue? And our episode ends with Zack Morris, in his current state of dress, trying to follow Kelly into the lady’s room so he can perv on her hoo hah. Nice. Bambi perv Firsts: The restrooms are used for their intended purpose, drag.

9 responses to “Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 5: “Screech’s Woman”

  1. I found it odd that Screech had a table reserved at the Max that they don’t even sit at for very long. Max’s “magic trick” with the flowers was quite lame.

  2. I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, just how well I remember these episodes without having seen any of them in a decade…

  3. The bit with Kelly going into Belding’s office to use her own locker is priceless. She just does it so casually. I can just imagine her in the hallway like “What the fuck?”, and Slater’s like “It’s in Belding’s office”, and she’s like “Oh, okay”. And then Belding’s got a WTF expression on his face afterward.

  4. I think the point of the poo cutaway was to establish it’s Belding in the stall before Zack walks in, talking as Bambi.

    • Yeah it was. I think it was the way it was edited in between takes of Screech talking to Bambi on the payphone that through me. No context and no attempt at a joke until they cut away from Screech back to the restroom.

      Although after discussing this scene with a friend over beer, I’m not sure there was any way they could have done this scene without it being awkward.

  5. Zack looked good in them tight stonewashed jeans. I wonder if they were too tight.

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