In our cold opening, Not-Slater is wetting himself over the fact that he gets to tutor some girl named Shana in Math, because nothing gets me more in the mood for hot fucking than quadratic equations. He finds out she broke up with her boyfriend and, as soon as she’s out of sight, he starts doing jumping jacks in celebration.
Miss Bliss’s voice over informs us that JFK hasn’t had an eighth grade dance in six years, apparently because two guys got into a fight and one broke the other’s nose. A law suit resulted that lead to the school paying for a nose job for the breakee. This makes absolutely no fucking sense. First of all, why would the school be liable for something two hormone-driven teenagers do in the heat of passion? And why would this lead to the school not holding a dance because of something that could happen at school any other time.
Oh, but Not-Jessie is leading the charge to get the dance reinstated and, wouldn’t you know it, it’s fucking Mr. Belding who refuses to have another dance. Not-Jessie pleads her case and I’m with her on this: it’s fucking ridiculous and completely unfair that these kids are being punished for something that happened when they were eight years old.
And, of course, because Miss Bliss is the only adult at JFK with any semblance of sanity, she decides to take the students’ plea to Mr. Belding. And she brings Tina along to help since Tina is fluent in bat shit crazy. In the process of the conversation we find out just how much Mr. Belding abuses his position to get revenge on someone who stole his date in the eighth grade, which is quite disturbing. Why is this man in charge of a school full of kids?
Because, why not, Mr. Belding agrees to let her have the dance as long as it happens the next Saturday and as long as she agrees to chaperon it. Miss Bliss is initially resistant since she has a pity fuck with some guy named Sherman who she knows through an environmental charity scheduled for next Saturday, but she eventually agrees since she realizes she’d rather supervise a room full of horny teenagers than dish out pity sex.
Not-Jessie is excited because someone actually asked her to the dance but Lisa is all like fuck that shit! You can’t just say yes to a guy! You have to string them along until you’re sure no better guy will come along. Yeah, Lisa is a bitch.
Not-Slater literally locks Zack Morris in the restroom for what I assumed would be hot gay butt fucking but turns out to just be a desire on Not-Slater’s part for advice on how to ask an unnamed girl out to the dance. Zack Morris is just like tell that hoe you want to fuck!
In the hallway, Shana approaches Zack Morris and insinuates she needs a date to the dance and that there will be hot fucking afterwards. Zack Morris’s dick goes *bing* and he’s all like, “Girl, you want to go to the dance with me?” and she’s all like, “Sure! I hope my insinuations about how I want in your underwear weren’t too subtle!”
In the cafeteria, Shana finds Not-Slater and she’s excited she got a B+ on her test. Not-Slater sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask Shana to the dance but Shana’s all, “Fuck off. I’m going with Zack Morris and he’s gonna finger bang me after the dance!” And Not-Slater is dejected he’s not going to be the one doing the finger banging.
For some reason, Mr. Belding is communicating his unreasonable demands for the dance through Mylo, who informs Miss Bliss that there is to be no band, no slow dancing, and no fun at the dance. I guess Mr. Belding thinks the happening thing to do at an eighth grade dance is to stand around and chant the rosary with a lady friend. Mylo is all like, “This is fucking bullshit,” and throws his papers up in the air. And this is a first for me: the first episode I actually like Mylo.
Lisa apparently has had ten and a half people ask her out to the dance (she says the half is a guy with no neck that makes Screech look fuckable) but she refuses to commit to any of them because she only fucks quality central Indiana teenagers.
In the next scene, the gang’s in the cafeteria decorating for the dance, and Screech gets the job of deejay by threatening to dance with Lisa and Not-Jessie if they don’t give it to him. First, why is it up to Lisa and Not-Jessie who gets to be deejay? Second, if it is up to them, I don’t blame them. It’s a tough choice between giving Screech authority to choose the music or the ability to fondle your lady parts.
Miss Bliss tells Tina that her hot date to the dance will be Sherman because when she was trying to cancel on him, he mistakenly thought she was inviting him to the dance. Wait, what? Who thinks that even by mistake? If I thought someone was asking me on a date to an eighth grade dance I’d tell them to fuck off!
Not-Slater comes in and pops Zack Morris’s weasel balloon. Not-Slater is hella pissed that Zack Morris is taking Shana to the dance. And you know what? I’m actually with Zack Morris on this for once. Not-Slater never once bothered to tell Zack Morris who the girl he wanted to fuck is. It’s not Zack Morris’s fault that he asked out a girl he didn’t know Not-Slater liked. But, of course, it nearly leads to fisticuffs and Miss Bliss intervenes just in time to force them into her room.
In her room, Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris and Not-Slater they need to kiss and make up. As soon as she leaves, Not-Slater says he’s gonna fuck up Zack Morris hella good if he shows up to the dance with Shana.
Cut to the dance, which is the epitome of everything horrible you imagine late-eighties fashion to be.
Lisa is with all ten of the guys who asked her to the dance, thus ending the Lisa is a slut subplot.
Miss Bliss’s date to the eighth grade dance looks like he’s in his sixties.
Screech is wearing what I can only assume is his prototype for the Michael Jackson outfit he’ll one day try to impress Lisa with.
And Zack Morris is wearing his pajamas.
Mr. Belding is showing off his horrible dance moves that we’ll see again in Saved by the Bell.
The only one who is looking fine is Mylo, who encourages the kids to get down with the hot fucking. I think this might be the first scene with Mylo that doesn’t make me want to stab his eyes out. Even if he is wearing Ray Charles sunglasses.
But no one has seen Not-Slater and Not-Jessie hopes he won’t show up ’cause she don’t want to see him hella fuck up Zack Morris.
Not-Slater walks in, though, and the crowd opens up for him and Zack Morris to have their duel. For whatever reason, all the adults have lost their fucking minds and have just decided to let them kill each other, despite Mr. Belding wanting to stop it. And, in the most convoluted and contrived climax I’ve ever seen on television, Zack Morris suddenly realizes that it’s bros before hoes and tells Not-Slater to punch him if it will make him feel better.
And Not-Slater suddenly accepts Zack Morris’s apology and they agree to share Shana’s hot snatch. They also agree to be friends until the end of time, or at least until The Disney Channel cancels their show, prompting NBC to retool it and replace Not-Slater with a guy with Brillo pad hair, essentially pulling a Chuck Cunningham on him.
There’s so much wrong with this ending. First, Zack Morris didn’t do anything wrong, for once! Not-Slater is the asshole here! Second, why does Shana want either of these assholes? They’re starting a fight over her like she’s a piece of property. Why doesn’t she tell them to fuck off? Third, how did Zack Morris and Not-Slater go from being pissed off at each other to best friends again in under a minute? I mean, I know this show runs on sitcom time but this is almost as bad as when the music comes on in an episode of Full House solving every problem of the episode.
But at least this isn’t the last thing that happens, as we’re treated to Miss Bliss and Sherman tearing it up on the dance floor as we bid adieu to yet another of Miss Bliss’s dates that we’ll never see again.
Firsts: Mr. Belding’s dancing, rivalry over a girl, Mylo isn’t annoying.