In the cold opening, everyone is beside themselves that Zack Morris is studying. Apparently his father promised him a ski trip if he got a B on the History midterm. Skiing in the flat, fertile corn fields and cow pastures. There’s nothing like it! I mean, growing up in Indiana I could never wait for winter to come so I could go to Indianapolis and ski! It was what all kids growing up in Indiana looked forward to. We laughed in pompous arrogance at those to the south and east of us who had mountains because who needs mountains when you can just ski through John Deere’s pig farm.
So, just to review, Good Morning, Miss Bliss thinks Indianapolis is a small town and thinks Indiana is a winter sports state. Yeah. They probably think the entire state of Tennessee looks like The Beverly Hillbillies, too.
After the opening, Miss Bliss tells us in her voice over that there’s always one student looking for the easy way out of her midterms. And here, on one of the shots producers hope you won’t pay attention to, is Miss Bliss’s advice for studying for her midterm.
“Learn important dates” is horrible advice as this gives absolutely no clue what students should be studying, and since Lisa would take this to mean that putting out for the members of Sons of the American Revolution is the best way to brush up on her knowledge of the Revolutionary War. “Review Social Studies” is even worse advice. That’s like giving a test on Moby Dick and, for the review, telling students they should, “Review Literature,” or the study guide for morticians being, “Review dead people.”
Miss Bliss tells her class that she’s going to have something called the “Bliss Challenge” to study for the History Midterm and the winning team gets a magical homemade looking purple shirt that will transport them to the land of Hogwarts where they will become wizards and have lots of adventures and battles until one of them appears nude on stage for a play about horse mutilation. The students all sound unimpressed and concerned that they may be relegated to the role of Ron Weasley until Miss Bliss bribes them with pizza at Cosmo’s on Friday.
In the office, Mr. Belding makes an announcement that Miss Bliss is a finalist for School Days magazine’s teacher of the year award, a magazine read by teachers who have way too much free time on their hands and need an ego boost. But why is Mr. Belding making the announcement with Miss Bliss standing right next to him, especially when it’s obvious given the look on her face that he hasn’t told her yet? Really, I hate being bombarded with shit like that. At least find out if she wants it announced first for Christ’s sake. In any case, Mr. Belding is a selfish, egotistical shit who is only excited because of how good Miss Bliss winning the award would make him look. Mr. Belding is butt hurt because Miss Bliss doesn’t want to thank him during the award banquet should she win and insinuates she would thank Mylo for the award but not Mr. Belding. I wish she wasn’t joking here. As useless as Mylo usually is, he at least looks good in a tuxedo as we found out last week. Why doesn’t she just shove that microphone down Mr. Belding’s throat?
In the hallway, Zack Morris wants Screech to help him postpone the midterm. And what’s his scheme this week? Why, to release Screech’s rats in the school, forcing the school to shut down while pest control comes in. At this point, I’m backing away from the screen and shaking my head in confusion.
Seriously, guys…why the fuck would this shut the school down? The school is not a twenty-four hour a day Wal-Mart. As long as the rats aren’t shitting in the lunches, what’s the problem? You have the exterminators come in after school is closed! What the fuck kind of stupid ass plan is this? Why the fuck would anyone ever think it would work! I’ve seen some dumb ass shit but this would take the cake if it wasn’t for the episode of Full House that was all about Michelle’s feet growing gigantic…or virtually any other episode of Full House.
And, because Zack Morris has a tight psychological grip on Screech, Screech agrees to the plan after Zack Morris promises him a double date with twins followed by a sweet four way where Zack Morris might give Screech a reach around..
There’s a scene next where Mr. Belding kisses Miss Bliss’s ass about the award that seems to serve no purpose other than Miss Bliss telling us what she has to do to get the award: be interviewed and have her class observed.
In the cafeteria, Zack Morris and Screech deliver some exposition about how the plan is underway and the rats have been set free. Not-Jessie and Lisa come in and Screech makes a transphobic joke as Lisa talks about one of the rats eating her lipstick. Not-Slater comes in and asks who took a hunk out of his Twinkie. Seriously, why would you just walk in and that be your immediate question? And where was he storing his Twinkie that he thought one of his classmates might be the culprit? Did he have them hidden up Zack Morris’s rectum?
The three exit to tell Mr. Belding about the rats and Zack Morris ups the ante by scaring Tina and his fellow students about the rats, and Tina calmly reacts by screaming and jumping up in a chair with her tray perfectly balanced.
And then this walks in.
And I fully expected that Mylo had finally snapped and was about to beat the crap out of everyone in the cafeteria with his baseball bat. But apparently this is his method of exterminating rats. Seriously, where did the school find this guy and why did they put him in charge of anything? And, for some reason, Screech is disturbed to find out that Mylo intends to kill his rats. What the fuck did he think they were going to do with them? Dress them up and send Miss Bliss out on a date with them?
Mr. Belding brings Dr. Atwater, the representative from School Days, to meet Miss Bliss. and interview her to see whether she is worthy of this great honor School Days wishes to bestow upon her. There’s some insinuation that Dr. Atwater wants the doors locked because she wants privacy and the insinuations are obvious: Dr. Atwater is a sleeper agent from the CIA come to kidnap Mr. Belding and three of his students and place them in new homes in California.
It’s obvious that Mr. Belding doesn’t know fuck about Miss Bliss, and Mylo comes in to tell Mr. Belding about the rats, ending a very painful exchange and scene.
Oh my God. My mind is blown. Mylo convinces Mr. Belding he needs to close the school. Guys, in the history of bad writing, there has seldom been such fiercely terrible and unbelievable plot situations. This is the sort of bad that Ayn Rand and E.L. James only wish they could reach. I don’t have anything more to say about this other than fuck the writer who thought this was believable. Fuck him hard in the ass with Mylo’s baseball bat. And I won’t even mention that principals do not have the unilateral authority to just close their schools.
Zack Morris is ecstatic that he has shut the school down for…a week. Seriously, I can’t take much more of this plot. This is beyond asinine. And Zack Morris feels guilty as Mr. Belding comes in and tells Miss Bliss that Dr. Atwater can’t reschedule her observation of Miss Bliss’s class meaning she’s out of the running for the award, because when someone gives an award they always only give themselves exactly a week to decide whom to award it to just in case a bad Disney Channel show ever wants to base a plot on it..
After a commercial break, Zack Morris is sitting in the middle of the stairs obstructing students who need to go upstairs and tells Not-Jessie that he’s a piece of shit for ruining Miss Bliss’s chances of winning the award. Not-Jessie tells him he needs to man up and tell Miss Bliss the truth. She tells him she’ll give him hot study sex if he does and he rushes off to find Miss Bliss.
In Miss Bliss’s room, Miss Bliss tells Tina she’s slightly upset about being disqualified for the award.
Zack Morris comes in the room, and we cut to him and Screech sitting in the office.
Mr. Belding tells the two that there will be school the next day and Miss Bliss will be evaluated, but they have two weeks of detention. But he tells them if they can fix the contest to allow Miss Bliss to win he may cut their detention time. And thus ends the most asinine plot so far in the Saved by the Bell universe. It figures such an asinine plot is ended in such an asinine way.
And we cut to the Bliss Challenge, where Miss Miss is cross dressing as Ulysses S. Grant.
Followed by Theodore Roosevelt.
And Snoopy pretending to be the Red Baron.
And a woman in a bad hat. She apparently also believes the Pilgrims to be our Founding Fathers, even though this term is usually reserved for the signers of the Declaration of Independence and other important Revolutionary War era people.
Seriously none of this shit was on the chalkboard at the beginning of the episode for the kids to study, unless this is Miss Bliss’s idea of “Study Social Studies.” And how is stuff from the Pilgrims up through the early twentieth century on a midterm? That’s like enough material for the end of year final! Also, while Miss Bliss’s methods may make review fun, they’re hardly revolutionary in teaching. This is basically just a study version of Jeopardy minus the trademark infringing that would get the producers sued.
Dr. Atwater comes in to observe Miss Bliss’s class, and her reaction to sitting next to Zack Morris seems to be one of revulsion towards his sexual advances and a desire for him to stay as far the fuck away from her as possible, but it’s more likely the writers intended to convey that she doesn’t like kids, even though this does not play into the plot of the episode whatsoever nor is it particularly funny.
The kids all try to suck up and kiss ass now that Dr. Atwater is in the room and Miss Bliss finally tells her to get the fuck out, that she’s teaching her and her ass is only a distraction. Dr. Atwater tells Miss Bliss she better check herself before she wrecks herself and that she’s going to tell her colleagues at School Days what a rude ass she is kicking someone out rather than telling the students to shut the fuck up, but Miss Bliss is insistent.
I’m assuming it’s at least a few days later in the next scene because Miss Bliss is passing back the midterms. Zack Morris got a B+ and he thanks Not-Jessie for her help and the two look as if they want to do some hot fucking. And Zack Morris does his best impression of David Caruso wearing the sunglasses they give you at the optometrist when they dilate your eyes.
Mr. Belding comes in with an envelope with a letter telling Miss Bliss that she’s won the teacher of the year award. And they do their happy dance.
This episode hurt my brain and that’s all I want to think about it.