Monthly Archives: March 2014

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 13: “The Mentor”

Ah, it’s the last episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss you guys! I’ve almost made it through all thirteen episodes! It’s an exciting milestone, so stay tuned after the review for a couple of announcements.

Talking Baseball

In our cold opening, Screech inserts himself into a conversation between Zack Morris, Not-Slater, and Not-Jessie about baseball, wanting to know what position he’s going to play. They tell him he’s hella bad at baseball so they’re just going to let the opposing team throw foul balls at him instead.

After the credits, Miss Bliss’s voice over remind us that role models play an important part in every child’s life and she hopes that her resistance to the incompetence that is JFK Junior High will inspire them and maybe they’ll be mentors in the future. Just then Screech comes in and trips over…nothing.

Screech trip

If Screech turned out to be a mentor, that would explain why The New Class turned out so fucked up.

Mr. Lyman

Suddenly a crazy man just walks in Miss Bliss’s class raving about the world ending and I first thought maybe he was Tina’s father come to visit. But, no, it turns out it’s Miss Bliss’s eighth grade teacher, Mr. James Lyman, because apparently it’s common for visitors to just barge in during school unannounced and be allowed to interrupt class. She says that if he hadn’t been so bat shit crazy in his teaching methods, she may have never gone into teaching. and apparently eighth grade Miss Bliss had just as bad excuses as eighth grade Zack Morris. I suppose they were trying to set up for the second season why Miss Bliss has such a thing for Zack Morris.

In the cafeteria, Not-Jessie tells Lisa she can’t go to Cosmo’s with her after school because she has a baseball practice. Lisa tells Not-Jessie she better start conforming to gender stereotypes or her vagina is going to be less used than a workaholic’s vacation time. Not-Jessie is all, “Shut the fuck up, Lisa! You don’t know nothin’.” And Lisa’s all, “OK, if you want to be a virgin all your life, see if I care.”

As they eat, Mr. Lyman tells Miss Bliss that he’s no longer teaching and she’s shocked. Mr. Belding joins them and tries to display his wonderful grasp of humor but it shockingly only gets confused stares.

Belding Lyman

Mr. Belding tells Miss Bliss he needs her statewide curriculum report by Friday morning but she’s like, “Bitch, I can’t do that report by Friday and teach class!” Mr. Belding says he can’t get her a substitute by then but she’s like, “Mr. Lyman will substitute!” Mr. Belding sensibly says they need to do background checks but Miss Bliss is all, “Background checks, smackground checks, he taught me, that’s all you need to know!” Yeah, Miss Bliss hasn’t seen Mr. Lyman in a very long time. How does she know he’s not on the run from the law for murdering his class?

In the hallway, Not-Jessie says she can’t pitch anymore because she’s trying harder to conform to gender stereotypes and Zack Morris, Screech, and Not-Slater attempt to exert peer pressure on her to get her to play baseball but it’s all for naught when Screech calls her a “guy,” which reminds her that her hoo hah will be ever barren unless she quits.

Nikki quittng

It’s the last episode of Good Morning, Miss Bliss and, amazingly, Mylo does his first useful thing of the series! But there’s rumors of Full House getting a sequel series so I suppose if that can happen, anything can!

Mylo busting Zack and Mikey

Mylo busts Zack Morris and Not-Slater walking around in the hallway during class and asks to see their hall pass. Zack Morris presents one and seemingly gets away with it but, while they’re still within ear shot of Mylo, Zack Morris tells Not-Slater that Mr. Lyman gave him a hall pass that’s good until July because Mr. Lyman trusts Zack Morris. Mylo passes this information on to Mr. Belding.

As Mylo leaves, Miss Bliss comes down the stairs and Mr. Belding tells her the information he got from Mylo. Miss Bliss can’t believe it and so she insists they go in her classroom to watch Mr. Lyman teaching. And they walk into an empty classroom as we cut to commercial break.

Empty Classroom

After the break, Miss Bliss and Mr. Belding haven’t been able to locate the class, which is actually a huge liability problem since they have no clue where a bunch of students are. Mr. Lyman comes in the room and says the kids are at lunch and he’s taken them on a history walk without informing the office to talk about all the historical events that took place around the school, including a Sioux battle next to the 7-11 despite the fact that the Sioux were never in Indiana. Fact checking people!

Of course Mr. Belding is the villain here as he advocates putting the students in the classroom to read out of books and I can’t help but wonder why it has to be one or the other. After all, the best teachers use a variety of different methods for a variety of different learners. But this is Good Morning, Miss Bliss so it’s all black and white.

Later, Mr. Lyman has the class move their desks to opposite sides of the room and gives Union and Confederate style hats to our five regular cast members but only a couple extras. The prop department must have been over budget if they couldn’t even afford props for everyone in the scene. Mr. Lyman tells them to close their eyes and imagine they’re at Gettysburg. This leads up to him telling them to wad up paper as weapons and throw the paper balls at one another in mock war, just as Miss Bliss enters. And, as a reader pointed out to me, the show proves once again that it can’t maintain continuity for even thirty minutes when Not-Jessie is clearly seen throwing with her right hand despite the fact she identified as a south paw earlier in the episode.

Bliss Paper Fight

Miss Bliss tells Mr. Lyman he needs to cut this shit out and conform to the man but Mr. Lyman’s all, “Nobody puts baby in the corner!” He tells Miss Bliss she can take her class and shove it and leaves without his hats.

Lisa Nikki restroom

In the restroom, Not-Jessie is complaining about how horrible make-up is and Lisa tells her to cheer up because she’ll have guys wanting her cooch in no time. Not-Jessie is finally like, “Fuck this shit. I like playing baseball better than conforming to society’s expectations,” and tells Lisa she’s going to go play baseball because it’s completely impossible to find a way to do both in the Saved by the Bell universe. And the Not-Jessie wants to conform to gender stereotypes subplot ends with Not-Jessie spreading eyeliner on her face in an attempt to look like a baseball player, but she comes off looking like Minnie Mouse.

Nikki eyeliner

That night, Mr. Lyman shows up at Miss Bliss’s door and tells her, “Bitch, I be givin’ you the chance to apologize for the way you’s be treatin’ me today!”

Lyman at Bliss house

We get a bunch of crap shoved down our throats from Mr. Lyman about how education just isn’t what it used to be in the good ole’ days and how he was forced out of his job because he fought the man when they forgot it was about the kids learning. In a strange twist, the hall pass Mr. Lyman gave Zack Morris was dated for July 3, 1863, the day the Battle of Gettysburg ended, because Mr. Lyman said now Zack Morris won’t ever forget that date, which he definitely will because that’s not a mnemonic at all, just a gimmick. And Miss Bliss is inspired to lead her class on a history trip tomorrow, because we’ve completely forgotten that Miss Bliss was supposed to be filling out a report.

And I’m calling bullshit on this entire plot. Yes, teachers have it hard sometimes with rules coming down they must follow and unhelpful administrators. But there are lots of good teachers, many of whom I’ve met over the years, and they manage to strike a very good balance between traditional teaching and the bat shit crazy method of Mr. Lyman. Yes, let’s pump more money and resources into education. But let’s not pretend like the educators aren’t doing their damndest without a nutty guy pretending like the only way to teach is to have kids throw paper balls at one another and give fake hall passes.

Well, in any case, we end our episode with Miss Bliss giving a lecture on the Battle of Gettysburg since the Battle of Gettysburg would be quite hard to teach on a walk in Indiana.

Zack Nikki argue

Zack Morris and Not-Jessie argue because Zack Morris claims it was Not-Jessie’s bad pitching that made them lose the baseball game yesterday.

Lyman as Lincoln

And Mr. Lyman completely loses it when he comes into the class dressed as Abraham Lincoln and delivers the Gettysburg Address to Miss Bliss’s class. Mr. Belding comes in to find out why this weirdo is still roaming the hallway at his school and Miss Bliss tells Mr. Belding that this is Mr. Lyman’s farewell address. Because the way to go out is to dress as Lincoln for a bunch of fourteen year olds and recite a speech.

First: Mylo does something useful.


Well that’s it for Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Next Monday, I’ll have a bonus episode. Then, next Wednesday, I’ll have a recap of the series and an announcement about what’s next on Mondays. And make sure to keep checking in on Fridays for the last few episodes of season one of Saved by the Bell!

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 12: “The Mamas and the Papas”

This episode has a quite clever framing method. The story is broken up into five acts, each with a title card as shown below, similar to the way Fraiser broke up its episodes into various acts. Considering that this episode aired years before Fraiser, I’d say it was on the cutting edge of what was to come. Not too shabby for Saved by the Bell!

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We start with “The Wedding,” and our three couples come marching in: Zack Morris and Kelly, Slater and Jessie, and, of course, Screech and Lisa, who are all participating in a class project to simulate the experience of marriage. It seems that none of the other students in the class are allowed to participate in this project because it would require them to be more than convenient background filler in this episode. Their grade is to be determined by how well they communicate and whether they go all Lorena Bobbitt on each other’s asses.

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Zack Morris tells us that this is the greatest day of his life because being fake married to Kelly will surely cause him to receive maximum fuckage. And Kelly has turned into Helen Keller because, despite the fact that he’s talking to the magic flying elves in front of him, she can’t seem to tell despite the fact she’s hanging right off his arm.

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At the front is Mr. Belding, who tells them their regular teacher got can’t-afford-a-guest-star-for-this-episode-itis, and that he’s there to fill in for her and marry the couples because it would just be stupid if Max did it.

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Lisa asks why she got paired with Screech and Mr. Belding says it’s alphabetical order. So, let’s break down what alphabetical order should look like:

Zack Morris – Kelly Kapowski
Screech Powers – Jessie Spano
A.C. Slater – Lisa Turtle It’s nice to know our public school system is educating our children so well. After all, if a high school administrator couldn’t put six names in alphabetical order, it might mean she or he was incompetent.

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At The Max, the gang (minus Screech) expresses varying opinions about their fake marriages and it’s quite apparent right away that they’re taking all of this way too seriously. Zack Morris wants to get Kelly on the honeymoon so they can fake consummate their fake love, which I assume means lots of masturbation. Jessie asserts her eco-feminist dominance over Slater, and Lisa bemoans the fact that her husband is the most likely cast member to never do anything again in his career.

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Max brings a cake out and, of course, who should pop out but Screech, which sends Lisa into twitching signifying she may be finally ready to snap from Screech’s constant sexual harassment.

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In Lisa’s room, Lisa is working out to one of those cheesy eighties workout tapes that were advertised all the time on late-night infomercials. I want to believe it’s Richard Simmons because a cameo from him in this show would quadruple the cheese factor of Saved by the Bell instantly. Screech comes walking in and starts doing a weird dance. He wants to move in with Lisa now that they’re fake married and she starts twitching again as she pushes him out the door and is all, “Boy, you done made dat up! Get yo ass out of here this instant before I pop a cap in yo ass!”

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Later, Lisa is praying to God that he strike her dead rather than continue on as a regular of this show, and God says, “Fuck that shit! Thou hast sinned against me with thy vanity, biatch!” and rewards Lisa with a disturbing nightmare where she sees Screech everywhere, including in the face of her doll.

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She wakes up, her twitching more pronounced, and I’m waiting for this to become a very special episode about fake domestic violence in fake relationships any minute now.

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Our next part is “The Honeymoon’s Over,” which must mean that, during their fake marriage, Kelly saw the size of Zack Morris’s fake penis and fake laughed.

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Today, the couples are going to be given situations they must deal with in everyday life. Slater and Jessie go first and must resolve who’s going to be the bitch and cook dinner and Slater’s like, “Fuck that women’s work shit!” Next, Kelly has wrecked Zack Morris’s car and Zack Morris thinks a good dicking is the way to comfort Kelly.

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Finally, Screech needs to be comforted after he lost his job and Lisa has a seizure from his constant neediness. Mr. Belding fake annuls their fake marriage before Lisa fake dies.

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And Screech takes it about like that kid from the photo meme who found out Santa is dead.

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Zack Morris and Slater offer him a sensual massage to get over it, but it doesn’t do anything but turn Mr. Belding on.

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In our next segment, “The Firstborn,” Mr. Belding tells the remaining couples that normally fake couples get fake babies in their fake marriages, but, this time, they’re getting teenagers so they can see what it’s like to raise a selfish little shit who can’t think of anyone but themselves. Gee, I wonder who the kids will be?

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Zack Morris is horrified to find out Screech is now his son and the single most terrifying words I’ve heard in this series are uttered from Screech to Kelly: “What a hot mommy!” Meanwhile, Lisa becomes Slater and Jessie’s daughter and immediately starts demanding that her parents bow to her every whim. Just like normal, then.

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In the restroom, oh glorious restroom, where have you been this whole episode?! Anyway, in the restroom, I think Screech is going all The Shining on the restroom mirror using toothpaste to spell out LIsa’s name. Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.

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Slater comes in and tells Screech that if he can break up Zack Morris and Kelly, he’ll guarantee him a date with Lisa because she’s his fake daughter now and he completely fake controls who she can and cannot fake fuck.

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Our next segment, “The Surprise,” opens back in the classroom and Mr. Belding tells our couples that dealing with the unexpected, like finding out your spouse is a serial murdering cannibal, is the key to a successful marriage.

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Kelly tells Zack Morris she has a surprise for him but, before she can get it out, Screech jumps out from behind the couch and, much like Dustin Diamond later will do in his autobiography, starts screaming, “ME! ME! ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I’M IMPORTANT DAMN YOU! PAY ATTENTION TO THE GOLLUM BEHIND THE COUCH!” Zack Morris tries to shoo him away and Kelly’s all, “You hate our fake child! I was going to tell you I’m having your second fake baby but now I think I’ll take our fake son and move to a fake sleezy motel, file for fake divorce, and sue you for fake alimony!”

Next, Slater is sucking Jessie’s dick and tells her that he’s going to fake stay home and take care of their fake daughter so Jessie can become a fake lawyer. She’s all, “Wow, you became such a fake great father and husband!” Screech comes over to the Spano-Slater’s fake house and asks to take Lisa out on a fake date. Slater’s like, “Fuck off, she wouldn’t touch your fake dick with a fake twelve inch pole!” and Screech is all, “You promised me fake Lisa poon tang if I fake broke up Zack Morris and Kelly!”

Mr. Belding brings the boys into his office and tells them he’s giving them all real Fs for making a mockery of the assignment, and his reasoning is pretty off, especially since Zack Morris is the victim in this whole scheme, for once. He claims that they all three let a rivalry get in the way of an assignment, which is bullshit since Zack Morris did nothing to Slater. But whatever, we have to make Zack Morris a perp somehow and what better way than to shoe on a punishment that makes no fucking sense.

They beg Mr. Belding to give them all a second chance and he agrees on condition they can get their fake wives to agree.

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Our final segment, “The Anniversary Dinner,” takes place at The Max, where Max pretty much admits that his restaurant has become a second school and he has closed his business just to serve the whims of Bayside High’s administrators. Jessie and Lisa walk in and Max escorts them to a table where Screech is waiting. Lisa asks what the most expensive entree is and Max pulls out a live goose.

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Seriously, what is it with Max and random live animals that he pulls out of his clothes. I swear to god if he pulls a snake out of his pants, this blog it over! That will be too much! Jessie gets pissy because Slater ordered for her and tells him she’s a modern liberated woman and doesn’t need his caveman antics dragging down her fake sense of liberation. They decide they’re not compatible and agree to get a fake divorce and put their fake daughter up for real adoption. This will all become all the more ironic around the next season or so.

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Kelly comes in wearing…what the hell is she wearing, a sun dress? Seriously, I let a lot of fashion faux pas pass with this show, but this is too much, especially when they’re trying to simulate a semi-formal atmosphere! Jesus, send it back to Goodwill and get her a garbage bag! It would look better than this thing! Zack Morris tells Kelly he’s been a selfish shit. Max brings out what he says is the night’s special and Zack Morris picks up the tray to find Screech’s decapitated head. Oh, great, Max has turned into Mary Antoinette.

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Kelly and Zack Morris make up and this time it’s Kelly that puts the lid back on Screech, thank God! Mr. Belding tells both groups he’s giving them As because everybody communicated and everything turned out just fine, as it always does in Saturday morning television land!

We end with Kelly asking Zack Morris if he remembers about their second fake little bundle of joy she referenced a few scenes ago, and he’s like, “Well, yeah, but I’m surprised the writers remembered what happened a few minutes ago!” Lisa takes the lid off the tray again and finds Screech’s decapitated head like this.

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Yeah, I feel your pain, Zack Morris. If I had that as a daughter, I would send her to live with Uncle Ted Bundy.

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Despite the ridiculous premise of this episode and how much I’ve made fun of it, there’s something I quite like about it. I found myself genuinely laughing at several points, and this episode might have been the most fun of all the season one episodes thus far.

Firsts: Zack Morris isn’t the biggest jerk, Slater is the bigger asshole.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 12: “Clubs and Cliques”

Trevor Rick

In our cold opening, we meet two guys who look way too old to be junior high students, Trevor and Rick. They’re members of a club called the “Rigmas” which is apparently some cool club that has the best parties and the best women. They invite Lisa to a party on Friday night and she is, of course, elated. They then invite Zack Morris to join them and they tell him that they’ll give him the pledge rules after school.

Pledge Zack Morris

After the credits, Miss Bliss tells us in voice over that pledging school clubs isn’t for everyone because you have to take orders, do insane things, and endure constant humiliation, which means that, of course, Zack Morris was up to it if it meant joining the cool kids. Trevor and Rick make an announcement which requires Zack Morris to stand up in the middle of class and sing…oh god…”Swanee,” an old song by George Gershwin and Irving Caesar from1919, the year my grandfather was born. Yeah…we’re less than three minutes in and I already think this episode is ridiculous and being written by someone with no idea what kids are actually familiar with. I can see it now:

Writer 1: What kinds of song do those hip teenagers like nowadays? Do you think they listen to Stephen Foster on their new fangled Walkmans?
Writer 2: Of course not! Stephen Foster is from another generation! What kids love nowadays is George Gershwin and Irving Caesar! They’re the cat’s pajamas!

Miss Bliss asks Zack if doing a song and dance from the early twentieth century is actually so important to him and Lisa tells her that of course it is because if he keeps doing turn of the century American compositions no one from his generation have heard of, he might be allowed in their club where they can listen to hip artists like George Cohan and Irving Berlin! Oh to be Zack Morris right now!

Of course, his next pledge activity is doing something he’s probably hoped to do for years: carry Screech’s books for him. Is this a club or is it a gay dating service?

In the office, Mr. Belding asks Miss Bliss to be the designated acting principal should he have to be absent. This requires her to be in charge of the school for a week. She enthusiastically agrees on the condition that he get her a new set of encyclopedias so that something is in it for her, despite the fact it could be valuable experience that leads to a promotion. Also, if shes’s going to ask for something, why not that TV shenaskedfor earlier in the series?

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris is hiding from Trevor and Rick and asks Not-Jessie and Lisa not to tell them he’s hiding under their table in plain sight. The two come in looking for Zack Morris and Screech rats him out. They order Zack Morris to go up on stage to do forty jumping jacks, which Not-Slater suddenly thinks is ridiculous despite the fact that he’s been encouraging Zack Morris to be a Rigma.

Zack jumping jacks

Not-Jessie and Lisa soon join in because the writers of this episode can’t maintain continuity for more than a minute and because doing jumping jacks is apparently cruel and unusual punishment for a jock.

Mr. Belding comes in to teach Miss Bliss’s classes while she’s acting as principal because there apparently aren’t enough substitutes to go around and they wanted to givemMr. Belding to do besides burrow up Miss Bliss’s ass the rest of the episode. Mr. Belding sucks ass as a teacher and doesn’t even realize they’re in homeroom. Because he thinks they should be doing something, he suggests they rap about life, M.C. George Gershwin style.

Zack shirtless

Zack Morris comes into class dressed in nothing but a pair of short shorts and his stupid hat with a towel on his shoulder, which I’m pretty sure was discouraged even in the days before strict dress codes. Mr. Belding, because he’s incompetent as a teacher and because the plot demands it, doesn’t think anything of it and just turns into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle while telling Zack Morris, “Cowabunga!”

Belding cowabunga

After class, Terry and Rick approach Zack Morris and, after shooing away everyone else so they can have him to themselves, tell him they have a surprise, which is usually cue for a kid Zack Morris’s age to report the two creepy adults making sexual inuendos towards him. Before they can reveal it, Acting Principal Bliss comes up and asks him, within earshot of Terry and Rick, whether he thinks the Rigmas are taking the pledging too far. He tells Miss Bliss no and she tells Zack Morris about when she was in college and had to eat live goldfish, giving Rick and Terry ideas. Wait, are there no adults in this building who give a damn that you have a nearly naked teenager running around school? What the hell am I watching?

Zack Bliss towel

Terry and Rick show Zack Morris that they have a Rigmas jacket for him but he has to ditch his friends to get it and, because Zack Morris has no sense of loyalty or right and wrong, he agrees to it.

In the office, Miss Bliss has become an extremely popular principal after getting much of the staff exactly what they ask for. Mylo sings her praises as Mr. Belding enters the room and Mr. Belding is butt hurt that it seems like Miss Bliss is a better principal than him. I don’t know what he expected. Despite the fact that she thought nothing strange of a half naked student in school, she’s still the most competent person in the building.

In the cafeteria, Terry and Rick tell Zack Morris, now fully dressed, that it’s time for him to show his loyalty. He goes over to the table where Screech, Lisa, Not-Slater, and Not-Jessie are sitting and apologizes for what he’s about to do, as if that makes everything alright. He tells a girl Not-Slater likes about his crush on her, sending him fuming out of the room. He tells Lisa he called her parents and told them about her wearing make-up at school, despite the fact that we later find out he only left a message on the answering machine that she was able to intercept and delete. He calls Screech a nothing, and, in one of the more unintentionally hilarious moments of the episode, he hits Not-Jessie in the face with a piece of pie.

Nikki pie 1

Nikki pie 2

Once Zack Morris has successfully alienated all of his friends, Terry and Rick tell him that he’s in the Rigmas and give him his sparkly new Rigmas jacket.

Zack in the Rigmas

And Rick tells Zack Morris they’ll always be friends forever…forever….

I’m imagining these three dumb asses at Rick’s house after school for some hot butt fucking.

In Miss Bliss’s room, Zack Morris is getting the cold shoulder from his friends, apparently confirming that he has no concept of right and wrong as he thinks they should all just get over it.

Belding teaching

Mr. Belding is teaching historical word associations from index cards and apparently even wrote his name on an index card. He gives a series of historical figures and asks what they each had in common. Everything goes fine until he gets to Judas and Benedict Arnold, whom Not-Jessie says are relatives of Zack Morris. Lisa joins in and a fight looks like it’s about to happen when Mr. Belding drops his note cards. As he’s picking them up, he tells them they can all be friends on the weekends now that he’s in the Rigmas. Not-Slater picks up his jacket and starts tossing it back and forth to Not-Jessie over Zack Morris’s head. Mr. Belding steps in and sends everyone, even the extras, the entire class, to the principal’s office, which may be the dumbest thing Mr. Belding’s done to date considering the chaos this causes in the next scene.

Bliss overwhelmed

In the office, Miss Bliss is overwhelmed by all the extras yelling at once and tries to get all the stories straight, and there’s a stupid gag about her thinking Zack Morris called Screech’s parents and told them Screech wears make-up. Once Miss Bliss realizes Zack Morris is at the center of it all, she tells Mr. Belding to get the rest of the students the fuck out of the office so she can actually do something about it.

Zack Morris tells Miss Bliss the others are just jealous because he’s one of the cool kids now and Miss Bliss tells him to shut the fuck up and actually think about what he’s done. He gets all emo and says no one understands him, that he had to do stupid ass shit to get in the club. Miss Bliss just sends him away without punishment telling him that the price of his jacket was the only four people in the school who tolerate him.

Miss Bliss checks on Mr. Belding and he’s had a horrible day. He’s jealous that everything Miss Bliss does is perfect but then he finds out she didn’t get approval from the school board on anything she did as principal, which brightens his day because it means Miss Bliss isn’t perfect. Wait, I get funding, but why the hell does she need to get school board approval for things like moving the crossing guard and towing an old car from the parking lot or allow a teacher to have a day off? Whatever, the plot demanded it and now that subplot is over.

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris tells the others that he’s decided to choose them over the club so they can take him back now and he acts shocked when they tell him to fuck off because how could someone not capitulate to Zack Morris’s every demand? Terry and Rick come in and tell Zack Morris to come sit with them and they reveal that he’s not really in the Rigmas. Turns out their initiation was to find an eighth grader to pretend to initiate and humiliate, and Zack Morris was their chump. And we get a homoerotic declaration from Terry and Rick of Rigmas forever.

Rigmas forever

Because the episode only has about a minute left, the others instantly decide that Zack Morris has learned his lesson by being humiliated himself and decide to instantly forgive him because they still have one more episode of this show they have to do together. Zack Morris says he just wanted to inflate his sense of importance by being cool instead of hanging around his geeky friends all the time and asks forgiveness. And the episode is wrapped up just in time for Zack Morris to throw his Rigmas jacket away as the credits come on.

Zack throw away

My parting question for this episode: what the hell is a Rigma? I was hoping this episode would get around to telling me but apparently we may never know. And so we have one more episode before we say good bye to Good Morning, Miss Bliss!

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 11: “The Friendship Business”

What is up with the theme song in this episode? No, seriously, listen to it.

It’s the same graphics that we are used to but it sounds like the singer had laryngitis that day. I don’t really mind this song, but I definitely prefer the usual one so I hope this will be the last time we’ll ever see this version of the song.

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We open in Economics class ,where the gang has been tasked with coming up with a business they can run successfully for a group project. They can’t agree on anything because they’re all self-absorbed, but then Lisa comes in and gives them all friendship bracelets. Well, all of the but Screech because he tries to manhandle her into a hug and she tells him that she’s rather stick her head in Paris Hilton’s snatch.

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This is the first appearance of Mr. Tuttle, another teacher we will see quite a bit, here playing the Economics teacher, and he may well be the most normal teacher besides the sub that we’ve seen since Miss Bliss. As for the project, I want to know where the hell Bayside gets its funding. Mr. Tuttle is giving out $100 of seed money to every group, meaning he’s trusting at least three groups of pubescent teenagers to responsibly invest $100. Yeah.

Mr. Tuttle polls each group about their project. The Guy with Butt-Rock Hair and Skateboarding in School Guy have both become stereotypical surfers along with another extra and have decided to sell cardboard surfboards, because cardboard matches the depth of their personalities.

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The guy on the right in the below photo is Edgar Poindexter, who we will also see show up a few times, every time we need one of the stereotypical nerds to actually talk. He and his group are marketing pocket protector protectors, because, as we all know, all geeks can ever think of are pocket protectors.vlcsnap-2014-02-12-18h48m15s218

The gang is about to admit they don’t know what to sell when Zack Morris makes a unilateral decision to invade the friendship bracelet business, which Skateboarding/Surfer Guy thinks are “awesome.” Such beautiful prose has not been uttered since the sonnets of Shakespeare. Skateboarding/Surfer Guy is a true muse.vlcsnap-2014-02-12-18h49m45s146In Zack Morris’s room, Zack Morris has a fantasy about becoming rich and famous through the friendship bracelet business. He’s on the cover of such prestigious magazines as National Celebrity and Famous. Seeing the titles of magazines in Zack Morris’s fantasies, I am glad certain episodes revolving around him never featured certain topics. For example, if there was a very special episode about gay people, I bet Zack Morris would read a magazine called Buttsex Monthly. Or an episode about mental illness might be called Fucking Nuts Quarterly.
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Of course, being the narcissistic fuck he is, everyone in Zack Morris’s fantasy is serving his every whim and need. Screech is a Robin Leech rip-off hosting a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous rip-off. This may be Dustin Diamond’s most unbelievable role yet. After all, instead of champagne wishes and caviar dreams, Dustin Diamond usually had hand-job wishes and dreams of self-importance.
vlcsnap-2014-02-12-18h50m40s190Screech is profiling Zack Morris, who we can tell is rich because he beat up Richie Rich and stole his shoes.

vlcsnap-2014-02-12-18h50m53s56 vlcsnap-2014-02-12-18h51m16s33Slater is doing the grunt work in manufacturing, which I can actually believe considering his lack of direction in the career week episode.
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Lisa is still making the friendship bracelets for Zack Morris because fashion is all she’s good for.

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Jessie is his secretary, and you can tell she’s a spinster by her never-been-touched-by-a-man outfit and demeanor. Fantasy Jessie does give us a funny line, though, when she says that President Bush wants a friendship bracelet for Gorbachev but Vice-President Quayle put his friendship bracelet over his head. Yeah, if you’re too young to remember Dan Quayle, just know that he was perhaps the most incompetent man to serve as Vice-President during my generation.

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Mr. Belding, odd enough, has been turned into Zack Morris’s chauffeur, which I guess is Zack Morris’s way of saying he’s going to be a big jerk to Mr. Belding forever.

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And, of course, Kelly is Zack Morris’s rich housewife, because Kelly has no other purpose in the mind of Zack Morris than to be on standby to fulfill his every sexual desire.

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Well, that was a weird foray into Zack Morris’s psyche. I almost expected us to see Max playing a butler and Miss Bliss acting as attorney.

The rest of the gang join Zack Morris all at once, which suggests they carpooled over. Either that, or there’s going to be an episode of Taxicab Confessions featuring the Saved by the Bell gang. They decide to name their company “Friendship Forever” but the company falls apart when Zack Morris attempts to assert himself as President of the company because he’s afraid that Jessie will blow his idea and, if there will be any sort of blowing around here, it will be done by Zack Morris. He’s all,. “Me Zack Morris! Me smart! Me President!” Jessie, Kelly, and Slater don’t agree and they break off to start a rival company. And I’ve just realized that Zack Morris has an Australian flag on his bedroom door, suggesting that the other company’s strategy will be to call ICE and have Zack Morris sent back to his native land.

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The friendship bracelet business is, so far, a success, with people literally just walking by and throwing money at Zack Morris. In class, Zack Morris reports that the company has, so far, netted a profit of $120.

Not to be outdone, Jessie, Kelly, and Slater have created their own company, complete with a Schindler’s List-style promo video.

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Yes, Slater is sad because he’s no good at making friends. What is his panacea? Why, it’s a head thong, stupid little elastic bands that you wear on your forehead and accentuate your forehead in such stylish ways. Their brand name is “Buddy Bands” and, because girls are only good for sex appeal, Jessie and Kelly dress in skimpy outfits and shake their boobies. The subliminal advertising here is that head thongs and boobies solve all your problems.

vlcsnap-2014-02-12-18h57m41s56At The Max, Max does a magic trick that’s supposed to explain to Friendship Forever how he beat a competitor down the road. What he actually does is make some eggs appear.

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And then a baby chicken whom he was suffocating inside an eggshell.

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The moral here is the way to beat your competition is to offer your customers a live chicken whether city ordinances allow for it or not.

Anyway, they get the idea to market their friendship bracelets by offering a free friend with every purchase, who just happens to be Screech, because why would Zack Morris or Lisa do anything when they can just force their brunt work on Screech. And this woman who appears to be in her late-twenties buys a whole lot of friendship bracelets so she can have Screech’s hot body for as long as possible.

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Back at Friendship Forever headquarters, aka the Australian Embassy, Screech is exhausted from being everyone’s friend all day and Zack Morris suggests that Lisa take over tomorrow. Lisa tells him, “Oh no you didn’t! Bitch, you done made that up! I’m taking my mother fucking friendship bracelets and our mother fucking rent-a-friend and going to sell me some forehead thongs.” And, with that, Lisa and Screech abandon Zack Morris.

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The next day at school, the five watch as Zack Morris packs up Friends Forever and closes for business. He seems to be admitting defeat but, if you haven’t figured by now that Zack Morris always has ulterior motives, you haven’t been paying attention.

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Zack Morris buys a buddy band and the self-satisfied look on his face tells me that I’m now able to predict his actions way too well. Meanwhile, Buddy Bands decides to invest all their money in five hundred additional head thongs because now that Zack Morris is out of business, what can possibly go wrong? Yeah, they haven’t been paying attention.

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Zack Morris goes into the locker room where, for some reason, Mr. Belding is lifting weights because he didn’t want to be caught in the weight room. Zack Morris starts giving Mr. Belding lots of self-serving complements and Zack Morris tells Mr. Belding that he admires him so much he wants to give him a head thong.

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Mr. Belding is so touched he gives Zack Morris a bad touch. And Zack Morris gives his “I need an adult who doesn’t work at this school” face.

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In the hallway, Mr. Belding shares his enthusiasm at having a head thong with a random extra who just bought one, who seems genuinely disturbed to be having this interaction. The extra goes back and demands his money back because anything Mr. Belding wears is instantly uncool, which means they should stop wearing shoes, socks, and underwear. Soon, all the extras follow suit and the head thong business is out of business because they invested all their money in head thongs that no one wants to cover their head butt with.

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At The Max, the gang laments the end of their head thong business, and I want to imagine that Dustin Diamond dresses like this in the comfort of his own house. They realize that they went so over board trying to beat Zack Morris that all they did was beat their meat.

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Zack Morris comes in and sits at a table by himself, telling Max that the others hate his guts for making head thongs uncool. Max tells Zack Morris he’ll get his friends to like him again and even throw in Screech for good measure. He goes over to the head thong table and gives them all friendship bracelets that have had spells of forgiveness cast on them by the magic wizard Belding, instantly repairing the bad feelings the groups had with each other.

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And Zack Morris finally gets his own head thong.

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At school the next day, Edgar reports that his group earned $270 by buying out the surfer group and marketing their stupid cardboard surfboards as car visors, which is actually a clever plan. And their demonstration model attempts to imitate the sunglasses from the opening credits. I think Edgar just became my favorite recurring character on this show because, though he is a complete stereotype, he actually does stuff useful unlike our regular characters most of the time. Who wants to start the Edgar Poindexter Fan Club?

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Next our heroes report that they put together the friendship bracelets and head thongs to create “love cuffs,” which are sure to catch on with the budding high school BDSM crowd.

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And, of course, Lisa is stuck in a sexual position with Screech.

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They report that, though they only broke even and didn’t make a profit, they learned a valuable lesson in friendship. Mr. Tuttle decides that learning a valuable lesson is more important than his overbearing project standards and gives them an A because, in the end, whatever problems you may have in your personal relationships can always be solved with bondage sex toys.

Firsts: Mr. Tuttle, Edgar Poindexter, Mr. Belding lifting weights.

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 11: “Stevie”

Just to warn you guys, this one is a doozey. I thought “Wall Street” was bad but it looks like Citizen Kane compared to what I just watched. I never want to watch this episode again.

Waiting for Stevie

In the cold opening (which is inexplicably back after a two episode hiatus), Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, Not-Jessie, and a young Stephen Hawking are waiting on the staircase for some pop singer named “Stevie” to come around. She’s apparently planning to come to JFK to sing the song that her career was launched from on the stage her career was launched from, because lots of pop singers get their starts on the middle school stage. Zack Morris declares, “Me Zack Morris! Stevie belong me!” and Lisa, who is the president of the Stevie Fan Club, tells him to shut the fuck up because Stevie is seventeen years old and would never commit sexual assault by going for him. She would go for River Phoenix instead, once again seriously dating this series. I don’t know what it was with the writers in the Saved by the Bell universe but they seriously liked to talk about girls going for River Phoenix.

Screech cheer

Not-Slater thinks he sees Stevie coming and everyone starts cheering as Screech comes around the corner, who now believes himself to be fuckable. Meanwhile, a stranger sneaks up behind Lisa and asks what’s going on and, oh, wouldn’t you know it, it’s our titular Stevie. I totally didn’t see that one coming. And she’s totally not trying to rip off every famous eighties female pop singer.

Stevie

Let me take this opportunity to voice my biggest problem with this episode. If you’re going to do an episode about a pop singer you should, I don’t know, have an episode with an actual fucking pop singer! As far as I can tell, Stevie is not a real pop singer and the actress playing her wasn’t even trying to become a pop singer so you can’t even claim there’s some Hannah Montana shit going on up in here! If you want to do a pop singer episode, as clichéd as it is, then at least cough up the money to have a cameo by a real fucking pop singer!

Anyway, after the credits, Miss Bliss tells us in her voice over that she’s fucking tired at the end of the school day and very glad she doesn’t have to deal with the little shits she teaches anymore, when Zack Morris and Not-Jessie just randomly come into her classroom arguing. Zack Morris apparently bet Not-Jessie a year of washing gym clothes that he would kiss Stevie, because forcibly kissing pop stars isn’t creepy or prison-worthy at all, and he kissed her poster instead. Miss Bliss, instead of telling them to get the fuck out of her room, tells them that gambling is not allowed in school. And Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris she’ll take as much of that action as she can get. Wait…what? She seriously said that. I’m not even making that up. Did Miss Bliss just hit on Zack Morris?

Zack Morris and Not-Jessie leave the room and Stevie comes in. And, of course, Miss Bliss is a former teacher of Stevie, whom she knows as “Colleen Moore.” Despite the problems Miss Bliss had with someone staying with her just two episodes ago, she invites Stevie to stay with her while she’s in town because Indianapolis is a rural farming town with no hotels that rich celebrities could stay at.

Miss Bliss brings Stevie to the office and Mr. Belding and Mylo seem much too excited to be seeing her, with Mr. Belding encouraging Stevie to give him a big hug and call him Richard. Um, yeah.

Belding Mylo seeing Stevie

A running gag throughout this episode is Stevie constantly getting Mr. Belding’s name wrong and calling him “Mr. Spalding” or “Mr. Spelling” or “Mr. Spelding,” which I kind of chuckled at because it serves the purpose of bringing Mr. Belding down a few pegs. Mr. Spelling introduces Stevie to Mylo and he delivers his usual Mylo creepiness, but it’s amplified even more this time as he pulls a Misery-esque act on Stevie and tells her, “I love your records!”

Mylo Stevie

Yeah, keep in mind throughout this episode that Stevie is seventeen. This entire episode is so fucking creepy.

Anyway, Stevie wants to sing her song to one special person at JFK and, after Mr. Spelling gets the false impression that she wants to sing it to him, Miss Bliss clarifies that Stevie wants to sing it to a male student. Yeah, everyone in this episode is a pervert.

In the cafeteria, Lisa tells Not-Jessie that Tina asked her to pick someone to interview Stevie for the school newspaper and, of course, she picked herself. My biggest question is why Tina is in charge of the fucking school newspaper. That’s usually handled by a teacher with an English or a Journalism degree, not a psychopathic woman who likes to play dress-up and rarely teaches at all.

Tina Bliss

Miss Bliss and Tina talk about how they can’t believe that Colleen grew up to be Stevie and Tina claims she knew it from her first time in her music class. Can I assume that Tina was a lesser influence than Miss Bliss since Stevie came to visit Miss Bliss and is staying at Miss Bliss’s house, not Tina’s? Miss Bliss says that success hasn’t changed Stevie because she’s still a sloppy teenager. And Miss Bliss tells Tina to keep her fucking mouth shut about Stevie staying at Miss Bliss’s house because no one else knows.

Zack Morris comes in and tells Not-Jessie he’s going to be the one Stevie picks to sing the song to, and Screech does a really bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation as he declares he will pump Stevie up. And Not-Jessie thinks Stevie is a manipulator who will do anything for publicity. Get it: Not-Jessie has the complete opposite point of view about Stevie from Miss Bliss. I guess it’s supposed to be ironic.

Colleen accepted

Stevie comes bounding down the stairs at Miss Bliss’s house, now dressed as normal person Colleen, and tells Miss Bliss she got accepted at Notre Dame. Miss Bliss asks Stevie when she decided to go to college and she says since the writers needed a forced subplot that contributes nothing to the episode. Miss Bliss wants to know what Stevie is going to do about her music career and Stevie tells her not to worry because she’ll never be mentioned in the Saved by the Bell universe again after this episode so no one will give a shit.

Zack Lisa Screech locker

Zack Morris is getting information on Stevie from Lisa so he can guarantee that he’ll be the one she sings the song to. She tells Zack Morris that Stevie loves charities, stray animals, and lost causes, making Zack Morris a shoo in as the winner but he gets a plan to ensure he’ll be chosen.

Stevie comes in and tells Mr. Spelling that she’s picked the boy she’s going to sing to, a young boy who’s dying. And Mr. Spelling, for the first time in the franchise, believes one of Zack Morris’s stories when he says he can’t believe Zack Morris is dying.

Mr. Spelling announces on the intercom that Zack Morris has been selected for Stevie to sing to and for him to come to the principal’s office. On his way, he’s stopped by Mylo, who, in the one time he tries to do something useful for the school, shows that the writers forgot to tell his character that Zack Morris had been called to the principal’s office seconds earlier and demands to see a hall pass. Mr. Spelling is loitering in the hall for some reason rather than waiting for Zack Morris in his office and tells Zack Morris that Stevie showed him the letter. Mylo demands that Zack Morris be punished for breaking the rule he didn’t break and, instead of telling Mylo to fuck off and start listening to his announcements, Mr. Spelling whispers about Zack Morris’s condition into Mylo’s ear.

In the cafeteria, Lisa and Not-Jessie are interviewing Stevie and Not-Jessie practically has a panic attack as she tells Stevie that she’s a selfish bastard for going to college and not thinking about her. Wait, how did they find out about Stevie going to college? She literally just decided a few scenes ago! That’s not enough time to get the information into the media! And Stevie, in typical late eighties propaganda, tells the girls that singing isn’t everything and a college education is really important, because even if you are successful and make millions of dollars, you’re a worthless piles of shit if you don’t have a college education.

In Miss Bliss’s room, Miss Bliss tells Zack Morris that Mr. Spelling showed her the note from the doctor and there’s a brief moment that, if you’ve never watched this show before and you’ve been living under a rock your whole life, you may belief that Miss Bliss bought Zack Morris’s story. Miss Bliss shows she has some schadenfreude in her when she tells Zack Morris she knows a cure for his condition and has him hop on one leg with his arms in the air while he clucks like a chicken.

Zack cure

She then proceeds to tell him he’s a sociopathic manipulative dumb ass and that he needs to report to Mr. Spelling’s office right away.

That night, Zack Morris goes over to Miss Bliss’s house to apologize and ask her to tell Stevie how sorry he is. Stevie, in her Colleen costume, answers the door and the two bond as Stevie tries to find out if Zack Morris wants to fuck her and, because everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe lacks facial recognition skills and apparently doesn’t know her real first name, he doesn’t realize she’s Stevie. Stevie totally doesn’t think it’s creepy that Zack Morris was trying to forcibly kiss her to win a bet and, on his way out, the seventeen year old who was just admitted to college gives the fourteen year old junior high student a hot and sexy closed mouth kiss.

Zack Colleen kiss

That night, they hold the concert in the cafeteria/auditorium, and Tina says some scalper offered her $200 for her faculty ID, which I find completely implausible because no one wants to be Tina. And, considering Miss Bliss and Tina appear to be the only adults and non-students present at the concert, this throw away line makes no sense.

Not-Jessie brought her gym bag to the concert and Not-Slater exposits about how Zack Morris will have detention for his Stevie prank because the writers wanted to wrap up all the loose strings of this episode in the next few minutes and Zack Morris admits he lost the bet. So Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, and Not-Jessie are in the front row for the concert, of course, and Lisa says it’s the last time Stevie will ever play, because she totally can’t sing while she’s in college because the Catholic nuns that the writers no doubt think Notre Dame has would totally beat the shit out of her for it.

And so Stevie comes out dressed in a horrible eighties style gold dress and sings a horrible song for the kids, and we are treated to the entire song, complete with her molesting Screech on stage, who she apparently choose to sing the song to instead of Zack Morris.

Her song is called “Hotline to your Heart.” After hearing the song, I just want to give her the number for the Rejection Hotline.

Stevie Dance 1

Stevie Dance 2

Stevie Dance 3

Stevie Dance 4

She also takes the opportunity to molest another junior high student on stage in front of witnesses while she’s at it.

Stevie Screech 1

Stevie Screech 2

And Screech does the classy thing that women love and cheers that he got some.

Stevie Screech 3

She goes into the audience, forcing all the teen boys present to hide the erections they’re no doubt getting.

Stevie Audience

She then goes up to the front and gyrates in front of Zack Morris, which he seems to think is hot. He tells Stevie that was great, and she only tells him that her friends call her “Colleen” and walks backstage, leaving him in shock and disbelief.

Zack gets a clue

And, of course, no one will believe Zack Morris that he won the bet and Not-Jessie shoves her gym clothes at him. The episode ends as he rushes backstage to find Stevie and prove he got some, and I can only imagine that, as the end credits are rolling, he’s having the crap beat out of him by security for rushing the backstage area.

By the way, if you’re curious, here are what I think are the lyrics for her “hit.” I had to listen several times with high quality ear buds and I’m still not completely sure if I got them right. If I didn’t, fuck it! It’s a horrible song that I’ve now listened to more times than anyone should have to. And if you, too, want to suffer through it, we’ve been blessed with a video of it on YouTube.

Don’t want to phone your eyes and avoid my stare,
I know you just don’t care what I do.
It’s going on for days, it’s somewhere off in space,
And I just can’t get it through to you!

Emergency! I’m burning up!
Emergency! I’m a torch!
If there’s a hotline to your heart!
I need direct connection before we we drift apart!
Hotline to your heart!
And there without affection!
I need a, I need a hotline, yeah!

Don’t try to shut me out of your life.
I’m just a tryin’ to make it right!
You’ve nothing left to lose!

Hotline!
I, I, I, need a hotline!
Give me a hotline to your heart!
I need direct connection before we drift apart!
Hotline to your heart!
Can’t live without affection!
You know I need a hotline to your heart!
I can’t live without you, live without you, live without you baby!

Yeah, what a great message for teenagers. I can’t live without you. Maybe Screech will commit suicide next time Lisa rejects him now.

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 10: “Beauty and the Screech”

We open with Kelly winning two tickets on the radio to the George Michael concert on the payphone at Bayside because the radio signals apparently reached her brain and allowed her to know without a functioning radio that the station was having a contest right then. Either that or she was calling to ask the station to stop letting Zack Morris dedicate Blondie’s “One Way or Another” to her and happened to call in at just the right time.

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Zack Morris and Slater, of course, both pick up the scent of possible lady juices and swoop in like vultures. Kelly’s like, “Ya’ll gonna have to back on up and let me decide like an eighties liberated woman and not a piece of meat, despite the fact that I decided I want to be a housewife for a living a few episodes ago.”

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In Dr. Mertz’s science class, Screech has earned 37 A+s, which gives him the right to wear the “Mertz Molecule hat” as a reward. Couldn’t Dr. Mertz just give him a piece of candy like a normal fucking teacher? Dr. Mertz passes back some tests and everyone did ok except for Kelly, who earned a F and will be flogged and whipped at 3:00pm by the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Dr. Mertz tells the class there’s another test on Friday which counts for half their final grades, which either means that Dr. Mertz is able to teach an entire chapter in a week or that he’s a lazy bastard who took months grading this test. And like all teachers at Bayside, Dr. Mertz has a quark, which is apparently to imitate the sounds of the communicators on Star Trek.

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Kelly is bummed out because a F means her parents will never let her go to the George Michael concert, and Zack is still hoping to get his dick wet, so he convinces Screech to tutor Kelly by telling him that Lisa will want to fuck him if he tutors Kelly. Wait, what?

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Since nobody in the Saved by the Bell universe ever knocks, rings doorbells, or asks permission to enter, Kelly breaks into Screech’s house and enters his bedroom. There she meets Kevin the Robot, an AI that Screech apparently built and programmed but failed to win the Nobel Prize for because it’s a total rip-off of the robot from Short Circuit. Kevin has been programmed to act exactly like Screech but still he manages to be a more likable character, and one wishes they had fired Dustin Diamond once he reached puberty and replaced him with Kevin.

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Oh, and Kevin is a perv for Kelly, which already puts him on par with Zack Morris and Slater.

vlcsnap-2014-02-11-20h36m34s228We also get the revelation that Screech just happens to have a bunch of Barbie dolls lying around his bedroom in order to teach hot girls about nuclear fission using cheerleading metaphors, which doesn’t seem all that strange to me. Don’t all pubescent boys just happen to have a stash of Barbie dolls lying around for just such times?

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At The Max the next day, Kelly is excreting lady juices for Screech’s hot man chowder, and Lisa and Jessie decide to pry in order to snap her out of it before Max is forced to bring a Sham-Wow over and wipe it up. Kelly tells Lisa and Jessie she wants to have Screech’s babies, and Lisa has the natural reaction.

vlcsnap-2014-02-11-20h38m25s244Lisa tells Kelly she’s hella crazy but Kelly just tells her, “Bitch, you just jealous I have a man and you just have that creepy little dwarf chasing after you…oh wait!”

Zack Morris and Screech enter and Zack Morris wants to know when he can get to fucking Kelly. Screech is all like, “At the end of the series after you get rid of your chastity rings,” but this doesn’t satisfy Zack Morris. Kelly invites Screech to an empty table for some hot and steamy studying and they’re soon engaged in a milk shake for two as Zack Morris looks on in shock and disgust that an episode of this show isn’t obsessing over him.

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At school, Slater and Zack Morris are in disbelief when Screech and Kelly have given each other stupid little pet nicknames and vow that Screech shall fuck no more.

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That night, Zack Morris and Slater try to crash Screech and Kelly’s hot study session but Screech tells them to get the fuck out of his room before he makes Kevin anally impale them. Kelly finds it hot that Screech is such a man’s man and she has visions of selling her now unneeded vibrator on ebay. And Screech simulates Kelly’s lady juices (and particle bombardment in atoms) by throwing popcorn all over his room from a blender.

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The next day, Zack Morris and Slater are in the restroom bemoaning the fact that Screech has been deemed more fuckable than either of them, and they vow not to tell anyone of their diminished social status. Of course, they fail to notice the two geeks taking poos behind them, who soon spread the news to the whole school and, eventually, the world.

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President George H.W. Bush, in a very special presidential address, declares that he, too, wants to fuck Kelly and vows to tutor Kelly in political science next week while Barbara is off getting her hair did.

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Oh and this guy is another of our regular background characters. This isn’t the first of his appearances but it’s the first time I’ve been able to get a good screencap. This is the guy Billy Superstar refers to as “The Guy with Buttrock Hair.” Oh, the varied characters we meet at Bayside High.

vlcsnap-2014-02-11-20h48m45s45Once the news gets out, all the female extras rush Screech begging to become his love interest so that they, too, might have lines and maybe, just maybe, even have a name. And Lisa is jealous that Screech will no longer be stalking her obsessively. Jessie tells them that Kelly’s the cool kid in school so if she jumped off a bridge, everyone else would too. This prompts Zack Morris and Slater to imagine themselves as Dustin Diamond in twenty years.

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They do really horrible things with their face and everything!

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Kelly wears a pizza on her head, presumably to attract Zack Morris and Slater when they come down off the dope they’ve so obviously been smoking to have this stupid little fantasy because they obviously are going to have the munchies later.

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And Screech has turned into a young Raul Julia. If he had remained looking like this, he may have actually grown up to be the hot one among the three guys from this series and maybe even play Gomez in a new The Adams Family film, but old habits are hard to break, and he’ll grow up instead to be the freak we’ve come to loathe.vlcsnap-2014-02-11-20h51m55s241

Zack Morris and Slater decide the best way to put Screech back in his stereotypical place of single, dateless loser is to tell Mr. Belding that Screech and Kelly are getting married because Mr. Belding is good at meddling in affairs that don’t concern him. After Mr. Belding sees a locker full of wedding paraphernalia, he calls Screech into his offer. The two have a play on words where Mr. Belding thinks he’s talking about hot fucking and Screech thinks he’s talking about hot nuclear fission.

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Mr. Belding finally figures out what’s going on and Zack Morris and Slater drop in for detention.

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The next day, Kelly finds out she got an A and she’s stoked that she gets to go see George Michael. She controls her lady juices long enough to tell Screech she wants to fuck him in the front row. Screech is like, “I hate George Michael. Can’t we fuck at my stupid little insect exhibit instead?” They realize they have nothing in common and shouldn’t date, which unintentionally condemns Screech’s little crush on Lisa, but never mind the logical consequences of dialogue in the Saved by the Bell universe.

Zack Morris and Slater hear the call of carpe diem and swoop in on Kelly trying to take care of her lady parts for her. She tells them to go fuck themselves and they must not think that’s such a bad idea because they take her tickets and decide to go on a date to the George Michael concert with each other.

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Firsts: Screech’s room, Kevin the Robot.

Saved by the Bell #1.2 (Roar Comics)


sbtb2 coverIn our cover this month, Lisa, dressed as the Little Debbie girl, appears to be learning her shapes while Jessie sulks around sullenly. This issue could only be about one thing: Lisa’s obsession with oatmeal creme pies!

Fashion Don't

Our story is called “Fashion Don’t” and we open with Lisa, now dressed as her former teacher, Tina Paladrino, from Good Morning, Miss Bliss, talking to herself and apparently believing the “retro rock” look involves wearing flowy blouses and ankle boots, which tells me the writers of this comic still think the rock look is the ’60s hippie look.

But it appears that Lisa has been filming herself from a tablet inside her locker for what Kelly tells us through the power of exposition is a show called “Baytube,” apparently a podcast style show on fashion. And Lisa is entering her show into a contest to be the Fashion Channel’s student commentator. I have to imagine that, if the Fashion Channel did exist, they would show bad reality shows much like MTV and VH1, maybe a show about a psychopathic California student named Zack Morris who constantly takes advantage of his friends for his own benefit.

Screech and Zack Morris want to be Lisa’s models but she’s all, “Fuck off you losers! What I need is Slater’s big, manly muscles!” But before Slater becomes Lisa’s model, we find out that Lisa’s locker is apparently a Salvation Army drop off location.

Lisa LockerAt The Max, Lisa can’t understand why she’s eleventh place in the contest and Slater displays some Zack Morris-level narcissism about the camera loving him. Kelly tells Lisa it’s because all her clothes are hella expensive and she needs something someone with an after school job can afford because that’s the way fashion shows work: showing realistic fashion choices that teenagers can afford rather than $1,000 purses for them to bug their parents about.

Lisa and Kelly go off to try and recruit a Max waitress to model for them. Meanwhile, Jessie comes in with her heart underwear showing while Slater does his impersonation of Bugs Bunny.

Jessie underwearJessie has been studying for the academic decathlon and is so stressed she doesn’t want to hear Screech’s warning about her immodesty and, instead, slams her books down without looking at what she’s doing, which apparently hits just the right buttons to both trigger the webcam on Lisa’s computer, stop it, and then upload it. Such precision in accidents hasn’t happened since the incident with George W. Bush and a peanut.

Lisa doesn’t bother to find out what was uploaded but, instead, hears it from Zack Morris at school the next day, who’s been perving on Jessie’s butt on the black hole in his hand.

Zack black holeJessie’s ass has a whole hundred views on Baytube, which really isn’t a huge accomplishment considering I get more than a hundred views on a regular basis. And, apparently, all one hundred of those people go to Bayside because they all keep making comments about seeing Jessie’s ass on the internet. It’s not clear, but I assume these are different days since Zack Morris, Lisa, Jessie, and Screech keep changing clothes.

People Know Jessie's AssJessie’s ass has gone viral, as evidenced by her cousin in Ohio watching it, which is kind of creepy. Lisa is now third place, which means that the contest is apparently based on views of Jessie’s ass. Lisa keeps promising to take down the video but then she’s all, “Bitch, yo ass be makin’ me popular and getting me YouTube famous!” Zack Morris, Slater, and Kelly all encourage her to just take Jessie’s ass down but Lisa is sweating Jessie’s ass and doesn’t want to get rid of that sweet soft core porn created by a fluke accident of slamming books down.

Belding Good Luck

Lisa decides fuck her promise to Jessie and decides to keep the video up until after the contest, at which point either Mr. Belding or Don Knotts (I can’t tell which one from the art) says he too saw Jessie’s ass and hopes Lisa wins so he can see it more on television. Oh, and Jessie’s ass is now in first place.

At the Decathlon, Valley is distracting everyone with trash talk about Jessie’s ass. Kelly tries to help by showing off her ass, which I’m not sure how that would help, but whatever. Oh, and Jessie appears to be debating Velma from Scooby-Doo.Jessie Velma
Zack Morris, Slater, and Kelly tell Lisa that Jessie lost the decatholon because she couldn’t think due to the attention her ass was receiving. Lisa says it’s all good because she took down the video due to winning the contest. Lisa has an interview at the Fashion Channel tomorrow. Kelly tells her she a bitch for doing that shit before Jessie.

Lisa goes and finds Jessie at the library, who is freaking out about studying because people seeing her ass has drained her ability to remember stuff. Jessie also appears to be actively having a nervous breakdown.

Jessie nervous breakdownMeanwhile, Jessie has become a punchline so Lisa decides it’s time to do something about it by trying to turn showing your ass into a fashion statement through showing off Kelly and her asses. The executives of the Fashion Channel, which appears to be headquartered in Futurama’s universe, are not amused and tell Lisa to fuck off.

Fashion ChannelThe next day at The Max, Lisa congratulates herself on finally doing the right thing, Zack Morris is obsessed with having seen Kelly’s ass in Lisa’s video, and Jessie shoots ketchup all over herself, prompting Screech to suggest they start a new fashion trend involving spilling food all over yourself. Oh, Screech. You’re such a tactless asshole in this incarnation!

Jessie Ketchup


Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 10: “Practical Jokes”

No cold opening again. I wonder at this point if they abandoned them for some reason. Oh well.

It’s Hoosier Harvest Week at JFK Junior High, a completely made up holiday that apparently is accompanied by bonfires, hay rides, and practical jokes. Showing once again that the writers of this series know absolutely nothing about Indianapolis, they now assume that Indianapolis is a farming community. Just because the majority of Indiana is farm land doesn’t mean that the fucking thirteenth largest city in the nation is farm land. I swear, this series makes One Day at a Time look fucking brilliant in its portrayal of Indiana’s capital. Bah! Why am I trying at this point? This series is over in three more episodes anyway!

Miss Bliss tells us in voice over that, in her eleven years at JFK, no one has ever successfully pulled a practical joke on her and she hopes they’ll fucking quit before she has to slap the shit out of them. We cut to Miss Bliss’s class, where Zack Morris and Lisa are setting up a bucket of water above the door for Miss Bliss to soak herself in. Not-Slater comes in and warns them Miss Bliss is on her way, and, of course, Miss Bliss sneaks in through the rear door that’s only used when it’s convenient to the plot.

Bliss Screech

She tells them they might as well fucking give up trying to prank her because this is totally not a set up for the rest of the episode, but she leaves the bucket of water up. Gee, I wonder if that’s going to be a gag in like a minute? She also uses her psychic power to successfully avoid a very strange and elaborate prank set up by Not-Slater and Not-Jessie involving a map and lots and lots of cocaine cleverly disguised as chalk dust. I guess we now know where they’ve been keeping their stash because there’s no fucking way they got it all in there this morning before Miss Bliss came in, especially considering Not-Slater was out of the room part of the time.

Bliss chalk map

Miss Bliss is trying to teach a lesson on the judicial system and she’s fucking pissed that these practical jokes are distracting the students from studying and tells them to cut that shit out. She tells them that only a dumb ass would fall for them. Right at that moment, Mr. Belding comes in the room and is covered in the water that was conveniently never taken down from earlier.

Belding drenched

In the cafeteria, Zack Morris has put chili pepper in Miss Bliss’s cole slaw and Not-Jessie spiked her tomato juice with Tabasco sauce. And, of course, Miss Bliss gives them to Mr. Belding to eat instead.

Belding cole slaw

The next day, Miss Bliss tells the class that there are to be no more jokes in her class and she’s super serious. Just then, she sits down in her chair and discovers someone has painted the back, ruining her sweater.

Bliss chair

No one will confess to putting paint on her chair and Miss Bliss tells them she’s going to go change her sweater and someone better fucking confess or it’s spankings all around. While she is gone, the class realizes that everyone was together except Screech, and they decide Screech must have done it. He’s initially happy to confess and receive credit for it until Miss Bliss tells him that it’s spankings and reparations for him, which cause him to drop to his knees, a familiar stance for him.

Screech beg

Miss Bliss tells the class there’s only one way to determine if Screech is innocent or not despite the fact he just confessed and that’s to hold a trial. Wait, no, there’s investigation and involving the principal. This is a stupid idea. Frankly, I would not have wanted my eighth grade classmates determining my guilt or innocence.

Judge Bliss

The next day, Not-Slater is acting as bailiff as Miss Bliss enters the court in full judge’s robes. Not-Jessie is the prosecutor and, of course, Zack Morris is the defense attorney, which is grounds for an appeal right there. Miss Bliss tells Screech that, if he’s innocent, he should trust in the system because it works, which leads me to conclude that she’s never heard of the Innocence Project.

Not-Jessie calls Lisa as a surprise witness. Lisa testifies that she heard Screech say in the cafeteria that he was planning a prank on Miss Bliss and that she saw him stash a can in his locker. Zack Morris cross examines Lisa and contends that she was under extreme duress from breaking a nail and couldn’t have seen straight, which I can actually believe with Lisa.

Tina balloon

In the office, Tina is filling balloons with helium because apparently helium filled balloons cheer up Mr. Belding? Mylo comes in and spouts a bunch of bullshit about needing one and a half union employees to use helium. I kind of wish Mylo would piss Tina off so she’d pick up the helium tank and smack him across the face with it and Tina would be arrested for assault. This would solve two problems with one solution.

Mr. Belding comes out and puts glue on a telephone receiver to try and get Miss Bliss. Of course, when the telephone rings, he makes it as fucking obvious as possible since he asks Miss Bliss to answer the phone despite the fact he’s standing next to the phone and Miss Bliss is at the mailboxes. She tells him to go fuck himself because nobody puts Bliss in a corner. And she gives him a subpoena to her class trial, after which he picks up the telephone he put glue on like a dumb ass.

Belding telephone

Mr. Belding, complete with telephone glued to his right hand, appears in Miss Bliss’s court and Zack Morris gets to examine him first. Zack Morris asks Mr. Belding if he’s ever had Screech in his office for disciplinary problems and, despite the fact that Screech was in Mr. Belding’s office two episodes ago for his role in releasing rats in the school, the writers said to hell with continuity and had Mr. Belding answer in the negative. Not-Jessie counters that he would not consider Lisa a troublemaker despite the fact that she had a role in the water prank that got him, effectively ratting out Lisa to make a pretty good point that everyone can get in trouble for the first time.

Miss Bliss asks Not-Jessie if she has any other witnesses. Wait, why did Zack Morris get to examine Mr. Belding first if he was Not-Jessie’s witness? Come on, guys, if you’re going to do an episode on the judicial system, you’ve got to get these little details right! All it takes is watching one episode of Perry Mason. It’s not like they had to read law journals. Anyway, Not-Jessie wants to introduce evidence against Screech that she collected from his locker but Zack Morris counters that this is a fucking police state and Not-Jessie collected evidence illegally in violation of the fourth amendment, prompting Miss Bliss to throw the evidence out.

Screech suit

The bell rings and we immediately cut to the next day when court is back in session, and Screech is dressed as Steve Urkel trying to be my grandfather. Zack Morris calls Screech to the stand and asks a single question: Did you do it? Screech says no fucking way and Zack Morris declares no further questions and the defense rests. Of course, this is what happens when you hire Zack Morris to defend you: you’re fucked. Not-Jessie cross examines by asking Screech whether he said in front of witnesses that he would get Miss Bliss, which he admits, despite the fact that Zack Morris, Lisa, Not-Slater, and she all said the same thing. She asks whether he went to his locker that day to get something to pull off his practical joke, which he doesn’t want to answer and Zack Morris objects to on fifth amendment grounds, which I find hard to believe since that means Zack Morris is familiar with at least two of the amendments.

For closing arguments, Not-Jessie argues that Screech had means, motive, and opportunity. Zack Morris calls bullshit and argues that nobody has presented any evidence that shows Screech did it, which he’s actually right about except for the whole Screech confessed to it thing which doesn’t seem to factor in at all.

Screech face

After a brief deliberation because we’re already nineteen minutes and forty seconds into the episode, the jury finds Screech not guilty due to lack of evidence. Not-Slater asks who did it if not Screech. Miss Bliss tells them the culprit is in the room and should stand up now, after which she stands up. Turns out she painted her own chair in an effort to get them all to study their textbooks for a trial because they were so distracted by practical jokes. As usual, this makes no fucking sense. What if Screech hadn’t been such a dumb ass and admitted to doing something he didn’t do? Wouldn’t that have fucked up the entire plan?

Miss Bliss walks with Screech through the hallway telling him he was a good sport for being the victim of a giant frame up she orchestrated that essentially humiliated him for no reason but she doesn’t understand why he took the fifth when he knew he didn’t do it. Miss Bliss helps Screech open his locker and, of course, joke snakes, silly string, and confetti come streaming out of Screech’s locker onto Miss Bliss, which prompts me to ask why this didn’t happen to Not-Jessie when she broke into Screech’s locker illegally collecting evidence. But, whatever, it’s done, finished, kaput, and I never have to think about the stupid Hoosier Harvest Week again!

Bliss snakes

Saved by the Bell Season 1, Episode 9: “Pinned to the Mat”

Career week

It’s career week at Bayside High, as exemplified by the man in the foreground wearing pajama pants, obviously preparing for a career as unemployed addict. Zack Morris tells us in his monologue that he’s not excited about career week because it’s the first sign that his parents won’t be supporting him his whole life because all that matters in the world is that Zack Morris is happy and comfortable. And Zack Morris is, of course, looking for the most amount of money for the least amount of work, which makes Jessie sensibly suggest a career as clown at Jack-in-the-Box, since fast food is all Zack Morris is qualified for at this point. Zack Morris suggests he wants to be a game show host because all they do is brush their teeth and smile, which it’s true is about all the qualifications one needs nowadays to host Who Wants to be a Millionaire? or Family Feud.

Kelly wants to be a housewife and an actress, because hanging around Zack Morris and Slater will certainly get her enough money to pursue those things. Screech wants to be an astronaut so naturally he’s doing the Moonwalk. Hopefully they’ll send him up without enough fuel to come back. But Slater doesn’t give a fuck what he’s going to be because all he cares about is his wrestling match against Valley. Zack Morris seems especially interested in the match and Slater asks him why the fuck he wants to help him, so Zack Morris warps the laws of time and space again to give us the scoop.

Time out

Zack Morris tells us he bets against Slater’s opponent, Marvin Nedeck, every year and loses every year but this year Slater is sure to win so Zack Morris is getting a mother fucking dirt bike from Nedeck.

Zack Dirt Bike

Oh, and he messes around with Slater’s shirt for some reason before reseting the laws of time and space. Slater tells Zack Morris to fuck off because he doesn’t need his help, and Zack Morris is overjoyed.

At The Max, Lisa has decided what she’s going to be: a fashion designer, of course, because that’s her one thing. Max brings the kids’ food over and tells them he decided to be a restaurant owner rather than a magician because he was better at flipping burgers than pulling rabbits out of his hat. He gets out a top hat and promptly pulls out a live chicken, prompting me to ask if it’s sanitary to have a live chicken in a restaurant.

Max Chicken

Jessie wants to be a lawyer but changes her mind to judge so she can lock Zack Morris up. Kelly says she still wants to be an actress but she also wants to have lots of kids, and Zack Morris delivers perhaps the most sexual line of the series so far when he says that one day he wants to help her with the second one.

Zack lust

Slater tells Kelly he wants to fuck her instead of Zack Morris and Kelly tells him he best be getting a good job so he can support her and her massive amounts of children. Slater says he’ll be a wrestler and the the girls are like, “Fuck that shit! You’s got to grow up and get’s you a real job if you want to be our sugar daddy!” We get a close up of Slater as he becomes introspective about his future as Zack Morris prepares to shoot him in the face with his special ketchup..

Slater introspective

Slater goes to the pest possible source for career advice, Mr. Belding, who tells Slater about his budding career as a basketball player. But Mr. Belding says he stopped playing because he would look silly today in the uniform, and describes having a belly hanging out of a tank top with giant love handles. Oh great, I just ate and now I have a picture of an overweight Dennis Haskins wearing a tank top two sizes too small. Don’t anybody tell Mr. Belding but, if you keep playing basketball, you generally never develop a belly or love handles.

While Mr. Belding continues blabbing on and on, Slater has a fantasy sequence in which it’s The Max in the future and everyone is coming back to show off their fucking awesome careers. Max is still there and has grey hair and a cane.

Old Max

We know Mr. Belding is old now because he has glasses, a bow tie, and a mustache, because all men with glasses, bow ties, and mustaches are old.

Old Belding

And, one by one, we see what each of the gang turned out to be. There’s Judge Jessie.

Judge Jessie

Fashion designer Lisa.

Fashion designer Lisa

And we get an unfortunate shot of Mr. Belding’s ass with Lisa’s flashing name on it because she apparently designed the jeans he’s wearing. Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.

Belding's Butt

Captain Screech Powers, great space explorer, transports in using some horrible animation.

Captain Screech

Zack Morris, the most successful game show host of all time.

Zack Game Show

And, of course, actress, mother, beauty queen, and general anti-feminist setting women’s rights back thirty years, Kelly Morris.

Kelly Morris

Oh, and a 19″ cable-ready TV was a good prize in 1989. Oh, the good ‘ole days.

Cable ready TV

My big question about this scene is why Mr. Belding and Max are the only ones aged. I get that it’s for comedic effect with the two of them, but they could have put horrible make-up and wigs on the rest of them as well.

And then Slater comes in, and he apparently grew up to be Hulk Hogan dressed as Peggy Bundy.

Slater wrestler

Because Slater didn’t pick a career during Career Week, his entire life is shit and he’s a laughing stock because everyone’s choice of career when they’re fifteen determines their entire future.

Slater comes out of his fantasy but we cut to the locker room for quite a disturbing scene.

Zack Screech love

I thought Zack Morris and Screech had finally embraced their homoerotic desires and were preparing to undress in the locker room, but turns out they’re playing motorcycle as Zack Morris imagines taking Screech for a ride behind him, which I’m sure is not the last time he’ll think of that fantasy.

As the duo finish playing James Dean and Natalie Wood (I’ll let you, the reader, decide who is who), Slater comes in and says he quit wrestling and Zack Morris nearly shits himself with the thought that he might lose the bet since he bet his non-existent dirt bike that he was counting on using to pick up all the strange, weirdo geeks at Bayside with..

At The Max, Max tells Zack Morris the story of how his mother got his father to stop being a lazy son of a bitch by forcing him to do work around the house, which gives Zack Morris the idea to call Major Slater and tell him his son is being a lazy son of a bitch. At school, Slater tells Zack Morris that Major Slater is forcing him to find another after school activity. Zack Morris suggests cooking club, which Slater initially mocks because, as we all know, men don’t cook since a woman’s place is in the kitchen popping babies. He changes his mind when he sees Kelly is in the club and Zack Morris comes along for the ride.

And boy, doesn’t Zack Morris just look pretty in his stereotypical super-feminine apron?

Zack apron

The cooking teacher, who’s bat shit crazy like most of Bayside’s faculty, says they’re making layer cakes. She tells them their first job is to toss out their recipes because you don’t need recipes when the production staff have measured out all of your ingredients for you.

Throwing away the recipie

If she wanted them to throw away the recipes, why did she pass them out to begin with?

They make their cakes, Slater’s cake is the best in the class, and Zack Morris realizes that, like the previous eight times, his plan is falling apart.

At The Max, the girls are getting moist because Slater baking apparently means that he’s sensitive now. Nedeck comes in and mocks Slater for cooking because the fact that he cooks obviously means he no longer knows how to wrestle, but Slater and the girls tell him to fuck off. Nedeck pulls Zack Morris aside and tells him he might as well pay up now, but Zack Morris promises that Slater will wrestle him.

Screech singlet

And now the scene you’ve all been waiting for: Screech in a singlet! You know, I never did quite grasp these things and I’ll be very glad when these scenes are over. Anyways, Zack Morris’s new plan is to get Screech to fight Nedeck so that Slater will step in and stop it, wrestling Nedeck himself. Slater comes in but doesn’t give a fuck because he’s busy cooking a quiche that he hopes will win Zack Morris’s love and affection.

At the wrestling meet, the girls are doing the same horrible rap cheer they did last episode, which sounds like they’re saying, “B for B, buh buh buh B, B!” over and over again. How about “B for better song” or “B for better buy some ear plugs” or even “B for even Justin Bieber’s songs make more lyrical sense than this.” OK, maybe I took it way too far on that last one.

Screech nedeck

Screech comes out and starts talking smack to Nedeck, who looks horrible in his way-too revealing singlet. He gets Nedeck pissed off and then finds out that Slater isn’t coming.

Screech Slater Nedeck

Nedeck puts Screech’s body on his shoulders, doing his best impression of Rhonda Robistelli’s dancing moves, but then decides to do his impression of the Merry Go-Round in Strangers on a Train. Slater comes in and tells Nedeck to quit referencing old movies and past episodes of Saved by the Bell and wrestle him.

Of course, Slater pins him down in about twenty seconds because we don’t have much time left in this episode. Nedeck is pinned to the mat and suddenly does his impression of every Bugs Bunny short ever produced.

Nedeck stars

Slater says his quiche blew up so fuck cooking and fuck finding a career, he’s a masculine man and he’s gonna wrestle! Because the three things are obviously not compatible with one another.

Oh, and Screech sits on Nedeck’s chest. Yeah.

Screech Nedeck chest

At the very last minute, Mr. Belding comes out of nowhere, discovers Zack Morris has been gambling, and gives him detention, because apparently this show delights in giving Zack Morris detention for even the smallest of infractions even when it contributes nothing at the very end of an already convoluted episode..

Good Morning, Miss Bliss Episode 9: “Let’s Get Together”

There’s no cold opening for this episode. I always find it really strange when shows establish a convention such as a cold opening and then randomly abandon it for one or more episodes.

After the credits, Miss Bliss laments in her voice over that she doesn’t know how to teach cooperation, which made me hope that this was the episode where Screech brokered a peace between the United States and Soviet governments by threatening to disrobe if they didn’t put aside their grievances. But, of course, Zack Morris and Not-Jessie come walking in right at that moment fighting because Zack Morris pushed Not-Jessie out of her seat on the bus to accommodate a cute girl having lost all appreciation for Not-Jessie he gained in the last episode when she helped him get his stupid ski trip on John Deere’s pig farm, and we suddenly realize that it’s going to be yet another episode about Zack Morris’s ego instead.

Amesican Inventions

Miss Bliss writes the class project on the board, which apparently involves “Amesican Inventions.” I wish this was Geography so we could ask Miss Bliss where the hell Amesican is. She tells the class that it’s time for class projects and she has a group of things that were invented by the Amesican people in the late 1800’s on her desk. And Zack Morris is doing his best mocking of Not-Jessie as she answers a question, because knowing stuff is so uncoool.

Zack Niki mock

The project is for each team to convince Miss Bliss to buy their invention as if she’d never heard of it before, which is actually quite a clever way of getting kids to learn about the motivations behind inventions. Screech and a student we’ve never seen before named Jennifer are doing the camera, and she overdoes it a bit on letting us know she doesn’t want to be teamed up with Screech.

Screech Jennifer

Lisa and Not-Slater are doing the typewriter which, of course, Lisa doesn’t want to do because she’ll break her nails. Didn’t she say a few episodes ago her parents didn’t know about her wearing make-up? How does she get away with the nails, then? Meanwhile, Not-Jessie is continuing to fight with Zack Morris and says the hoe bag he pushed her out of the way for wasn’t even that cute. Gee, I wonder who they’ll be paired up with.

Niki Zack fight

Yes, of course Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are paired up to do the telephone.

That night, we see Miss Bliss at her house typing on the nail breaking monster…with a pencil in her mouth for some reason. She has a deadline to meet for an article she’s writing for Good Earth magazine. What the fuck kind of name is that for a magazine? Is it an environmental magazine or a cooking magazine or what? And when did Miss Bliss become a writer? This is a trait we’ve never been told about before.

Bliss typewriter

Miss Bliss’s doorbell rings and it’s Tina. Miss Bliss wants to know why the fuck Tina is coming over to her house at midnight. Tina has gotten kicked out of her apartment by her boyfriend Donny because she followed Miss Bliss’s advice to be honest, because honesty is not the best policy when your boyfriend has the power to make you homeless. She blames Miss Bliss for it because honesty was Tina wanted to get married and she threatened to break up with Donny unless he married her. I don’t fully understand Tina’s living conditions here. It almost sounds as if Donny is her landlord because she says he already rented her apartment to someone else, which is illegal under Indiana law. You have to give at least thirty days notice. And where the fuck are all her belongings? Did Donny rent those too?

Bliss comforting Tina

And, of course, Miss Bliss invites Tina to stay at her house. Which can only end with good things, right?

Tina broom

Later, Tina has…stuck a broom handle down the sink. Wait, what? How did she manage that? Even if Miss Bliss has a garbage disposal, a broom handle would only go so far before it encountered something…like a blade. Miss Bliss comes in from a jog and discovers that Tina has destroyed some priceless family crystal, used her bran muffin for a shitty protein drink, and somehow managed to destroy her dish towel in the garbage disposal. The explanation, that she was using the towel to clean up pieces of broken glass, makes no fucking sense especially since you have to flip a switch to turn on the garbage disposal. Oh, and the last straw is that Tina has used up all the hot water. Miss Bliss is going to fuck up a bitch.

Bliss annoyed

At school, Not-Jessie and Zack Morris have agreed to lay aside their differences for the project but they quickly start disagreeing on little things like “facts” and “figures” which Zack Morris is too lazy to bother looking into. Instead, he wants to give a flashy presentation because obviously a presentation with facts and figures can’t be fun and flashy too!

Miss Bliss and Tina are late because Tina insisted they drive by Donny’s house three times. At this point, I think it’s Miss Bliss’s own fault since she was the driver. I’d be all like, “Fuck that shit! We’re going to work, biatch, where you can work out your codependent need for a man out with your non-existent classes!” Mr. Belding comes out and pushes Miss Bliss to tell him what’s wrong and she takes it out on him, and very deservedly I’d say. Fuck him trying to force her to tell him what’s wrong. We do find out they’ve worked together for eleven years.

Screech is not being creepy towards Jennifer at all as he stares directly at her while eating. And this brings up what I guess is a running gag that I’ve just never seen fit to talk about: Screech eats soup out of a giant thermos. Everyday. Like it’s all he has for lunch. Yeah, I don’t get how it’s funny, especially since I’ve known quite a few people who do this.

Screech creepy

Jennifer tells Screech to back the fuck off before she slaps the shit out of him but he just starts up about how he wanted to fuck her at first sight.

Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are still fighting over how to do their presentation and Not-Jessie says she’s had enough of Zack Morris’s bullshit.

Back at Miss Bliss’s house, Tina is playing Dance Dance Revolution while Miss Bliss tries to work on her article.

Tina dance

Tina dance 2

Tina dance 3

Miss Bliss tells Tina to shut the fuck up and Tina agrees to take her music to the kitchen but not before telling Miss Bliss that she’s invited her therapy group on Thursday. Tina then invites herself to move in permanently. The thought of both having Tina there permanently as well as having a dozen Tinas running around the house on Thursday finally sets Miss Bliss off, and she tells Tina to get the fuck out, that she’s an annoying freeloading sack of shit. Tina gets butt hurt and is all, “Why does everyone hate me and kick me out?” despite the fact that it’s quite clear she’s a pushy, freeloading, codependent, narcissistic whino. And Miss Bliss’s face shows guilt as we go into commercial break. No Miss Bliss! Stand your ground! Don’t let this psychopath order you around!

At school, Mylo is screaming into the PA microphone to see if it works and Mr. Belding tells him to shut the fuck up. Miss Bliss comes in and Mylo’s all, “You a bitch Miss Bliss for kicking out Tina!” And Miss Bliss is all, “Shut the fuck up and mind your own business you worthless cast member who will be deservedly cut after just four more episodes. You’re lucky you even got a brief scene in this motherfucking episode that you don’t have shit to do with!” Mylo’s leaves butthurt because no one wrote a subplot for him in this episode or any other episode that was worthy anything. Tina comes in all passive-aggressive and tells Miss Bliss she stabbed her best friend in the back, which makes me wonder who this best friend is we’ve never seen on screen, but it’s clear the writers intend Tina to be the best friend. And my thoughts: if only Miss Bliss had gotten a knife out of the kitchen and gone all Manson family on Tina’s ass. Then maybe I’d be done with at least one stupid supporting character for the next four episodes.

Screech kiss

It’s time for presentations and Screech takes a picture of himself molesting Jennifer. She’s all, “Give me that photograph you pervert!” but Zack Morris and Not-Slater egg him on. When will people learn not to encourage Screech? When you encourage Screech, this is what happens:

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And this:

Boxing1

Or, worst of all, this:

screeched

Not-Slater and Lisa and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie go tomorrow, and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie stay after class, telling Miss Bliss they have to talk. Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are all like my partner’s a moron and Miss Bliss is all, “Shut the fuck up and work it out you whiny little babies!” Not-Jessie is all, “But you can’t get along with Tina, bitch!” And Miss Bliss is all, “Mind your own business, hoe bags, and do your project or I’ll give you both F’s and spankings and no going to California for high school!”

At Miss Bliss’s house, Tina is still acting like a passive-aggressive bitch as she searches for apartments, which shouldn’t be hard because INDIANAPOLIS IS NOT A SMALL FUCKING CITY! God, I don’t blame Miss Bliss for being sick of you. You’re a fucking moocher on top of everything else. Tina continues acting like an entitled bitch and storms out of Miss Bliss’s house.

At school, we come in on the end of Not-Slater and Lisa’s presentation because they didn’t get a subplot this week so why should we even bother to know what their presentation is about. It gets a B+ anyway, which they’re excited about. But why the fuck is Miss Bliss dressed up like Ma Ingalls?

Bliss Prarie

And then it’s all Not-Jessie and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie is all about the facts, figures, and statistics. Their presentation is going horribly when Zack Morris picks up a cordless phone and plays the telephone game.

Zack Niki presentation

Zack Morris uses the presentation to try and talk things out with Not-Jessie and she finally gets the point of his part of the presentation. Apparently they used to play Little League together and Zack Morris melts Not-Jessie’s icy heart. They get an A- and I have to wonder what the fuck a person has to do on this project to get an A, shove the invention down Miss Bliss’s throat? Or up Mylo’s ass?

And because we have two minutes left and there’s one more subplot to wrap up, Tina knocks at Miss Bliss’s door. Tina has a peace offering of a bran muffin. And everything is alright because Tina learned a valuable lesson about friendship off camera that we will never understand how she got to. Tina’s rented the guest house on the next block and threatens Miss Bliss that they will be bosom buddies forevermore because she will always be the same annoying person she was in episode one when the series ends.

Bliss Tina muffin