There’s no cold opening for this episode. I always find it really strange when shows establish a convention such as a cold opening and then randomly abandon it for one or more episodes.
After the credits, Miss Bliss laments in her voice over that she doesn’t know how to teach cooperation, which made me hope that this was the episode where Screech brokered a peace between the United States and Soviet governments by threatening to disrobe if they didn’t put aside their grievances. But, of course, Zack Morris and Not-Jessie come walking in right at that moment fighting because Zack Morris pushed Not-Jessie out of her seat on the bus to accommodate a cute girl having lost all appreciation for Not-Jessie he gained in the last episode when she helped him get his stupid ski trip on John Deere’s pig farm, and we suddenly realize that it’s going to be yet another episode about Zack Morris’s ego instead.
Miss Bliss writes the class project on the board, which apparently involves “Amesican Inventions.” I wish this was Geography so we could ask Miss Bliss where the hell Amesican is. She tells the class that it’s time for class projects and she has a group of things that were invented by the Amesican people in the late 1800’s on her desk. And Zack Morris is doing his best mocking of Not-Jessie as she answers a question, because knowing stuff is so uncoool.
The project is for each team to convince Miss Bliss to buy their invention as if she’d never heard of it before, which is actually quite a clever way of getting kids to learn about the motivations behind inventions. Screech and a student we’ve never seen before named Jennifer are doing the camera, and she overdoes it a bit on letting us know she doesn’t want to be teamed up with Screech.
Lisa and Not-Slater are doing the typewriter which, of course, Lisa doesn’t want to do because she’ll break her nails. Didn’t she say a few episodes ago her parents didn’t know about her wearing make-up? How does she get away with the nails, then? Meanwhile, Not-Jessie is continuing to fight with Zack Morris and says the hoe bag he pushed her out of the way for wasn’t even that cute. Gee, I wonder who they’ll be paired up with.
Yes, of course Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are paired up to do the telephone.
That night, we see Miss Bliss at her house typing on the nail breaking monster…with a pencil in her mouth for some reason. She has a deadline to meet for an article she’s writing for Good Earth magazine. What the fuck kind of name is that for a magazine? Is it an environmental magazine or a cooking magazine or what? And when did Miss Bliss become a writer? This is a trait we’ve never been told about before.
Miss Bliss’s doorbell rings and it’s Tina. Miss Bliss wants to know why the fuck Tina is coming over to her house at midnight. Tina has gotten kicked out of her apartment by her boyfriend Donny because she followed Miss Bliss’s advice to be honest, because honesty is not the best policy when your boyfriend has the power to make you homeless. She blames Miss Bliss for it because honesty was Tina wanted to get married and she threatened to break up with Donny unless he married her. I don’t fully understand Tina’s living conditions here. It almost sounds as if Donny is her landlord because she says he already rented her apartment to someone else, which is illegal under Indiana law. You have to give at least thirty days notice. And where the fuck are all her belongings? Did Donny rent those too?
And, of course, Miss Bliss invites Tina to stay at her house. Which can only end with good things, right?
Later, Tina has…stuck a broom handle down the sink. Wait, what? How did she manage that? Even if Miss Bliss has a garbage disposal, a broom handle would only go so far before it encountered something…like a blade. Miss Bliss comes in from a jog and discovers that Tina has destroyed some priceless family crystal, used her bran muffin for a shitty protein drink, and somehow managed to destroy her dish towel in the garbage disposal. The explanation, that she was using the towel to clean up pieces of broken glass, makes no fucking sense especially since you have to flip a switch to turn on the garbage disposal. Oh, and the last straw is that Tina has used up all the hot water. Miss Bliss is going to fuck up a bitch.
At school, Not-Jessie and Zack Morris have agreed to lay aside their differences for the project but they quickly start disagreeing on little things like “facts” and “figures” which Zack Morris is too lazy to bother looking into. Instead, he wants to give a flashy presentation because obviously a presentation with facts and figures can’t be fun and flashy too!
Miss Bliss and Tina are late because Tina insisted they drive by Donny’s house three times. At this point, I think it’s Miss Bliss’s own fault since she was the driver. I’d be all like, “Fuck that shit! We’re going to work, biatch, where you can work out your codependent need for a man out with your non-existent classes!” Mr. Belding comes out and pushes Miss Bliss to tell him what’s wrong and she takes it out on him, and very deservedly I’d say. Fuck him trying to force her to tell him what’s wrong. We do find out they’ve worked together for eleven years.
Screech is not being creepy towards Jennifer at all as he stares directly at her while eating. And this brings up what I guess is a running gag that I’ve just never seen fit to talk about: Screech eats soup out of a giant thermos. Everyday. Like it’s all he has for lunch. Yeah, I don’t get how it’s funny, especially since I’ve known quite a few people who do this.
Jennifer tells Screech to back the fuck off before she slaps the shit out of him but he just starts up about how he wanted to fuck her at first sight.
Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are still fighting over how to do their presentation and Not-Jessie says she’s had enough of Zack Morris’s bullshit.
Back at Miss Bliss’s house, Tina is playing Dance Dance Revolution while Miss Bliss tries to work on her article.
Miss Bliss tells Tina to shut the fuck up and Tina agrees to take her music to the kitchen but not before telling Miss Bliss that she’s invited her therapy group on Thursday. Tina then invites herself to move in permanently. The thought of both having Tina there permanently as well as having a dozen Tinas running around the house on Thursday finally sets Miss Bliss off, and she tells Tina to get the fuck out, that she’s an annoying freeloading sack of shit. Tina gets butt hurt and is all, “Why does everyone hate me and kick me out?” despite the fact that it’s quite clear she’s a pushy, freeloading, codependent, narcissistic whino. And Miss Bliss’s face shows guilt as we go into commercial break. No Miss Bliss! Stand your ground! Don’t let this psychopath order you around!
At school, Mylo is screaming into the PA microphone to see if it works and Mr. Belding tells him to shut the fuck up. Miss Bliss comes in and Mylo’s all, “You a bitch Miss Bliss for kicking out Tina!” And Miss Bliss is all, “Shut the fuck up and mind your own business you worthless cast member who will be deservedly cut after just four more episodes. You’re lucky you even got a brief scene in this motherfucking episode that you don’t have shit to do with!” Mylo’s leaves butthurt because no one wrote a subplot for him in this episode or any other episode that was worthy anything. Tina comes in all passive-aggressive and tells Miss Bliss she stabbed her best friend in the back, which makes me wonder who this best friend is we’ve never seen on screen, but it’s clear the writers intend Tina to be the best friend. And my thoughts: if only Miss Bliss had gotten a knife out of the kitchen and gone all Manson family on Tina’s ass. Then maybe I’d be done with at least one stupid supporting character for the next four episodes.
It’s time for presentations and Screech takes a picture of himself molesting Jennifer. She’s all, “Give me that photograph you pervert!” but Zack Morris and Not-Slater egg him on. When will people learn not to encourage Screech? When you encourage Screech, this is what happens:
Or, worst of all, this:
Not-Slater and Lisa and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie go tomorrow, and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie stay after class, telling Miss Bliss they have to talk. Zack Morris and Not-Jessie are all like my partner’s a moron and Miss Bliss is all, “Shut the fuck up and work it out you whiny little babies!” Not-Jessie is all, “But you can’t get along with Tina, bitch!” And Miss Bliss is all, “Mind your own business, hoe bags, and do your project or I’ll give you both F’s and spankings and no going to California for high school!”
At Miss Bliss’s house, Tina is still acting like a passive-aggressive bitch as she searches for apartments, which shouldn’t be hard because INDIANAPOLIS IS NOT A SMALL FUCKING CITY! God, I don’t blame Miss Bliss for being sick of you. You’re a fucking moocher on top of everything else. Tina continues acting like an entitled bitch and storms out of Miss Bliss’s house.
At school, we come in on the end of Not-Slater and Lisa’s presentation because they didn’t get a subplot this week so why should we even bother to know what their presentation is about. It gets a B+ anyway, which they’re excited about. But why the fuck is Miss Bliss dressed up like Ma Ingalls?
And then it’s all Not-Jessie and Zack Morris and Not-Jessie is all about the facts, figures, and statistics. Their presentation is going horribly when Zack Morris picks up a cordless phone and plays the telephone game.
Zack Morris uses the presentation to try and talk things out with Not-Jessie and she finally gets the point of his part of the presentation. Apparently they used to play Little League together and Zack Morris melts Not-Jessie’s icy heart. They get an A- and I have to wonder what the fuck a person has to do on this project to get an A, shove the invention down Miss Bliss’s throat? Or up Mylo’s ass?
And because we have two minutes left and there’s one more subplot to wrap up, Tina knocks at Miss Bliss’s door. Tina has a peace offering of a bran muffin. And everything is alright because Tina learned a valuable lesson about friendship off camera that we will never understand how she got to. Tina’s rented the guest house on the next block and threatens Miss Bliss that they will be bosom buddies forevermore because she will always be the same annoying person she was in episode one when the series ends.