In our cover this month, Lisa, dressed as the Little Debbie girl, appears to be learning her shapes while Jessie sulks around sullenly. This issue could only be about one thing: Lisa’s obsession with oatmeal creme pies!
Our story is called “Fashion Don’t” and we open with Lisa, now dressed as her former teacher, Tina Paladrino, from Good Morning, Miss Bliss, talking to herself and apparently believing the “retro rock” look involves wearing flowy blouses and ankle boots, which tells me the writers of this comic still think the rock look is the ’60s hippie look.
But it appears that Lisa has been filming herself from a tablet inside her locker for what Kelly tells us through the power of exposition is a show called “Baytube,” apparently a podcast style show on fashion. And Lisa is entering her show into a contest to be the Fashion Channel’s student commentator. I have to imagine that, if the Fashion Channel did exist, they would show bad reality shows much like MTV and VH1, maybe a show about a psychopathic California student named Zack Morris who constantly takes advantage of his friends for his own benefit.
Screech and Zack Morris want to be Lisa’s models but she’s all, “Fuck off you losers! What I need is Slater’s big, manly muscles!” But before Slater becomes Lisa’s model, we find out that Lisa’s locker is apparently a Salvation Army drop off location.
At The Max, Lisa can’t understand why she’s eleventh place in the contest and Slater displays some Zack Morris-level narcissism about the camera loving him. Kelly tells Lisa it’s because all her clothes are hella expensive and she needs something someone with an after school job can afford because that’s the way fashion shows work: showing realistic fashion choices that teenagers can afford rather than $1,000 purses for them to bug their parents about.
Lisa and Kelly go off to try and recruit a Max waitress to model for them. Meanwhile, Jessie comes in with her heart underwear showing while Slater does his impersonation of Bugs Bunny.
Jessie has been studying for the academic decathlon and is so stressed she doesn’t want to hear Screech’s warning about her immodesty and, instead, slams her books down without looking at what she’s doing, which apparently hits just the right buttons to both trigger the webcam on Lisa’s computer, stop it, and then upload it. Such precision in accidents hasn’t happened since the incident with George W. Bush and a peanut.
Lisa doesn’t bother to find out what was uploaded but, instead, hears it from Zack Morris at school the next day, who’s been perving on Jessie’s butt on the black hole in his hand.
Jessie’s ass has a whole hundred views on Baytube, which really isn’t a huge accomplishment considering I get more than a hundred views on a regular basis. And, apparently, all one hundred of those people go to Bayside because they all keep making comments about seeing Jessie’s ass on the internet. It’s not clear, but I assume these are different days since Zack Morris, Lisa, Jessie, and Screech keep changing clothes.
Jessie’s ass has gone viral, as evidenced by her cousin in Ohio watching it, which is kind of creepy. Lisa is now third place, which means that the contest is apparently based on views of Jessie’s ass. Lisa keeps promising to take down the video but then she’s all, “Bitch, yo ass be makin’ me popular and getting me YouTube famous!” Zack Morris, Slater, and Kelly all encourage her to just take Jessie’s ass down but Lisa is sweating Jessie’s ass and doesn’t want to get rid of that sweet soft core porn created by a fluke accident of slamming books down.
Lisa decides fuck her promise to Jessie and decides to keep the video up until after the contest, at which point either Mr. Belding or Don Knotts (I can’t tell which one from the art) says he too saw Jessie’s ass and hopes Lisa wins so he can see it more on television. Oh, and Jessie’s ass is now in first place.
At the Decathlon, Valley is distracting everyone with trash talk about Jessie’s ass. Kelly tries to help by showing off her ass, which I’m not sure how that would help, but whatever. Oh, and Jessie appears to be debating Velma from Scooby-Doo.
Zack Morris, Slater, and Kelly tell Lisa that Jessie lost the decatholon because she couldn’t think due to the attention her ass was receiving. Lisa says it’s all good because she took down the video due to winning the contest. Lisa has an interview at the Fashion Channel tomorrow. Kelly tells her she a bitch for doing that shit before Jessie.
Lisa goes and finds Jessie at the library, who is freaking out about studying because people seeing her ass has drained her ability to remember stuff. Jessie also appears to be actively having a nervous breakdown.
Meanwhile, Jessie has become a punchline so Lisa decides it’s time to do something about it by trying to turn showing your ass into a fashion statement through showing off Kelly and her asses. The executives of the Fashion Channel, which appears to be headquartered in Futurama’s universe, are not amused and tell Lisa to fuck off.
The next day at The Max, Lisa congratulates herself on finally doing the right thing, Zack Morris is obsessed with having seen Kelly’s ass in Lisa’s video, and Jessie shoots ketchup all over herself, prompting Screech to suggest they start a new fashion trend involving spilling food all over yourself. Oh, Screech. You’re such a tactless asshole in this incarnation!