We open with Kelly winning two tickets on the radio to the George Michael concert on the payphone at Bayside because the radio signals apparently reached her brain and allowed her to know without a functioning radio that the station was having a contest right then. Either that or she was calling to ask the station to stop letting Zack Morris dedicate Blondie’s “One Way or Another” to her and happened to call in at just the right time.
Zack Morris and Slater, of course, both pick up the scent of possible lady juices and swoop in like vultures. Kelly’s like, “Ya’ll gonna have to back on up and let me decide like an eighties liberated woman and not a piece of meat, despite the fact that I decided I want to be a housewife for a living a few episodes ago.”
In Dr. Mertz’s science class, Screech has earned 37 A+s, which gives him the right to wear the “Mertz Molecule hat” as a reward. Couldn’t Dr. Mertz just give him a piece of candy like a normal fucking teacher? Dr. Mertz passes back some tests and everyone did ok except for Kelly, who earned a F and will be flogged and whipped at 3:00pm by the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Dr. Mertz tells the class there’s another test on Friday which counts for half their final grades, which either means that Dr. Mertz is able to teach an entire chapter in a week or that he’s a lazy bastard who took months grading this test. And like all teachers at Bayside, Dr. Mertz has a quark, which is apparently to imitate the sounds of the communicators on Star Trek.
Kelly is bummed out because a F means her parents will never let her go to the George Michael concert, and Zack is still hoping to get his dick wet, so he convinces Screech to tutor Kelly by telling him that Lisa will want to fuck him if he tutors Kelly. Wait, what?
Since nobody in the Saved by the Bell universe ever knocks, rings doorbells, or asks permission to enter, Kelly breaks into Screech’s house and enters his bedroom. There she meets Kevin the Robot, an AI that Screech apparently built and programmed but failed to win the Nobel Prize for because it’s a total rip-off of the robot from Short Circuit. Kevin has been programmed to act exactly like Screech but still he manages to be a more likable character, and one wishes they had fired Dustin Diamond once he reached puberty and replaced him with Kevin.
Oh, and Kevin is a perv for Kelly, which already puts him on par with Zack Morris and Slater.
We also get the revelation that Screech just happens to have a bunch of Barbie dolls lying around his bedroom in order to teach hot girls about nuclear fission using cheerleading metaphors, which doesn’t seem all that strange to me. Don’t all pubescent boys just happen to have a stash of Barbie dolls lying around for just such times?
At The Max the next day, Kelly is excreting lady juices for Screech’s hot man chowder, and Lisa and Jessie decide to pry in order to snap her out of it before Max is forced to bring a Sham-Wow over and wipe it up. Kelly tells Lisa and Jessie she wants to have Screech’s babies, and Lisa has the natural reaction.
Zack Morris and Screech enter and Zack Morris wants to know when he can get to fucking Kelly. Screech is all like, “At the end of the series after you get rid of your chastity rings,” but this doesn’t satisfy Zack Morris. Kelly invites Screech to an empty table for some hot and steamy studying and they’re soon engaged in a milk shake for two as Zack Morris looks on in shock and disgust that an episode of this show isn’t obsessing over him.
At school, Slater and Zack Morris are in disbelief when Screech and Kelly have given each other stupid little pet nicknames and vow that Screech shall fuck no more.
That night, Zack Morris and Slater try to crash Screech and Kelly’s hot study session but Screech tells them to get the fuck out of his room before he makes Kevin anally impale them. Kelly finds it hot that Screech is such a man’s man and she has visions of selling her now unneeded vibrator on ebay. And Screech simulates Kelly’s lady juices (and particle bombardment in atoms) by throwing popcorn all over his room from a blender.
The next day, Zack Morris and Slater are in the restroom bemoaning the fact that Screech has been deemed more fuckable than either of them, and they vow not to tell anyone of their diminished social status. Of course, they fail to notice the two geeks taking poos behind them, who soon spread the news to the whole school and, eventually, the world.
President George H.W. Bush, in a very special presidential address, declares that he, too, wants to fuck Kelly and vows to tutor Kelly in political science next week while Barbara is off getting her hair did.
Oh and this guy is another of our regular background characters. This isn’t the first of his appearances but it’s the first time I’ve been able to get a good screencap. This is the guy Billy Superstar refers to as “The Guy with Buttrock Hair.” Oh, the varied characters we meet at Bayside High.
Once the news gets out, all the female extras rush Screech begging to become his love interest so that they, too, might have lines and maybe, just maybe, even have a name. And Lisa is jealous that Screech will no longer be stalking her obsessively. Jessie tells them that Kelly’s the cool kid in school so if she jumped off a bridge, everyone else would too. This prompts Zack Morris and Slater to imagine themselves as Dustin Diamond in twenty years.
They do really horrible things with their face and everything!
Kelly wears a pizza on her head, presumably to attract Zack Morris and Slater when they come down off the dope they’ve so obviously been smoking to have this stupid little fantasy because they obviously are going to have the munchies later.
And Screech has turned into a young Raul Julia. If he had remained looking like this, he may have actually grown up to be the hot one among the three guys from this series and maybe even play Gomez in a new The Adams Family film, but old habits are hard to break, and he’ll grow up instead to be the freak we’ve come to loathe.
Zack Morris and Slater decide the best way to put Screech back in his stereotypical place of single, dateless loser is to tell Mr. Belding that Screech and Kelly are getting married because Mr. Belding is good at meddling in affairs that don’t concern him. After Mr. Belding sees a locker full of wedding paraphernalia, he calls Screech into his offer. The two have a play on words where Mr. Belding thinks he’s talking about hot fucking and Screech thinks he’s talking about hot nuclear fission.
Mr. Belding finally figures out what’s going on and Zack Morris and Slater drop in for detention.
The next day, Kelly finds out she got an A and she’s stoked that she gets to go see George Michael. She controls her lady juices long enough to tell Screech she wants to fuck him in the front row. Screech is like, “I hate George Michael. Can’t we fuck at my stupid little insect exhibit instead?” They realize they have nothing in common and shouldn’t date, which unintentionally condemns Screech’s little crush on Lisa, but never mind the logical consequences of dialogue in the Saved by the Bell universe.
Zack Morris and Slater hear the call of carpe diem and swoop in on Kelly trying to take care of her lady parts for her. She tells them to go fuck themselves and they must not think that’s such a bad idea because they take her tickets and decide to go on a date to the George Michael concert with each other.
Firsts: Screech’s room, Kevin the Robot.