Agh, the bad version of the theme song, which I’ve come to find out via the comments section is the original season one theme before syndication, is back! Someone please make it go away, far, far, away!
Despite the end of the season only being a few episodes away, it’s time for student class elections, and I’m beginning to realize that Zack Morris’s hair can be used as an indicator of which episodes are out of order. Of course, Jessie is running for student body president, and she’s apparently the only person named Jessie at Bayside as her poster doesn’t even bother to give her last name. I guess this makes sense with all those nameless extras running around. Only someone with a name is important in the Saved by the Bell universe! Zack Morris thinks this is pretty square because only geeks and nerds would think of making a difference in anyone’s life but their own. Jessie says she’s trying desperately to be as successful as her mother was in the sixties and that running for student body president of her high school is the best way to go.
This is Mr. Dewey, another of our recurring teachers. The guy who plays him has been in a ton of shit over the years, most often doing his best impression of a slightly more upbeat Ben Stein who isn’t bat shit crazy over creationism. Of course, Mr. Dewey is serving as faculty adviser for the student body government, but what I want you to notice here is the extra in between Zack Morris and Mr. Dewey, who is doing his best to pretend to talk to that other extra but just keeps nodding his head semi-regularly as if that constitutes talking, or acting. And these people wonder why they’re relegated to the background.
Zack Morris overhears Mr. Dewey and Mr. Belding discuss the fact that they’ve received funding for the principal and the adviser to accompany the student body president on a surprise week long trip to Washington, DC and Zack Morris is suddenly all, “Read my lips!” But most disturbingly, we find out Mr. Belding and his wife were once arrested for skinny dipping in the Potomac. That’s an image I didn’t want in my mind.
In class, no one can believe Zack Morris is running for student body president but Mr. Dewey celebrates Zack Morris’s entrance into the race in his own special way.
Jessie: Female power! Puppies and kittens and unicorns! Save the dolphins! Big government out of my uterus!
Zack Morris: Yo, I’m Zack Morris! Vote for me!
Jessie asks Max who he’s supporting, because the support of the guy who runs the restaurant you hang out at really matters. Max reveals that he not only has Jessie’s picture posted on his crotch but that he also believes she has a penis.
When Jessie is done, though, Max reveals he’s playing both sides of the field when he reveals Zack Morris’s face over his schom-long-doobly.
Lisa wants to be Jessie’s campaign manager and Jessie initially balks until she realizes that Lisa has half the student body under her mind control spell and decides this might be useful if she needs to plan a coup against the Morris Administration. But Kelly isn’t so sure.
Kelly wants to hear both sides before she decides who to vote for and ignores Jessie’s impassioned pleas of, “We both have vaginae!” Did you know the plural of vagina is vaginae? I didn’t until spell check corrected me. Boy, the things you learn from watching Saved by the Bell!
Zack Morris reveals to the worst person possible person about the real reason he’s in the election: Screech. He asks Screech to get some brochures for him on Washington, DC from his mom’s travel agency, and I’m willing to bet we never hear about this travel agency again.
Zack Morris is disturbed to find out that Slater is backing Jessie despite the fact they both have penes. Boy, I’m just learning all kinds of facts about the human reproductive organs in this review although in this case “penises” is also acceptable but penes sounds so much cooler. I’ll have to remember to say that in conversation, as in, “My three penes are massively big and thick, not like Zack Morris’s tiny one-piece.”
I guess it’s supposed to be later because Slater and Screech quite literally run into each other and Screech drops a bag full of Washington, DC brochures. Slater’s all, “What the fuck is up wit dis, yo? You goin’ to our nation’s capital?” And Screech is all, “You can’t make me talk unless you are violent against me.” So Slater solves his problems with his fist by hoisting Screech up to the top of the lockers, at which point he’s all, “Good show, chap! They’re for Zack Morris. Now please lower me before I eject my hamburger from lunch all over your stupid looking hair.”
Remember when I said I didn’t need a picture of Mr. Belding skinny dipping in the Potomac? Well, imagine that it looks worse than this picture. Good god man! It’s no wonder that teachers nowadays aren’t allowed to use the same restrooms or showers or locker rooms as their students. It’s all because of Mr. Belding’s chubby hairy belly!
Anyway, Slater finds Mr. Belding in this disturbing condition and, after flirting with him a bit, tells him he hopes he has a good time in Washington, DC. Mr. Belding is all, “How the hell did you find out?” And Slater says Zack Morris told him. Mr. Belding’s all, “So Zack Morris is only in it for himself? That’s news! I’m going to go take care of him now!” And Mr. Belding makes a remark about Zack Morris sucking like a vacuum cleaner, which I don’t want to know how he knows about.
In Mr. Dewey’s class, Zack Morris has a campaign video to show the class and we’re also told that Jessie’s middle name is Myrtle, thus relegating her to spinster status for eternity.
Zack Morris’s campaign, much like some recent American presidential campaigns, is all propaganda, with Zack Morris calling himself a true American, comparing himself to Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln, and showing pictures of himself as a funny looking toddler and an even funnier looking child with outdated seventies style haircuts. You’ve come a long way, Mark-Paul.
And…who the hell is this supposed to be? I have to admit I don’t know enough about eighties pop music to even know who this is and she isn’t identified. But, whoever she is, her cardboard cut out supports Zack Morris!
Zack Morris also has the support of President George H.W. Bush’s Photoshopped picture.
And, of course, Lassie.
And, oh, if only this were Screech’s deathbed, he could die while he was still likable.
Nine out of ten mistranslated Soviet leaders also support Zack Morris.
As well as mistranslated dictators from countries American citizens can’t legally enter who want Zack Morris to shave them. Eeew…
Kelly declares that Zack Morris’s propaganda video is shitty and that she’s now supporting Jessie. And Mr. Belding comes in to let Zack Morris know that he knows that he knows about the Washington, DC trip and that it’s off due to lack of funding.
Zack Morris declares that the only way out of this quandary without letting Mr. Belding know his true, selfish motives is to get Jessie to beat him.
Slater, Lisa, and Kelly tell Jessie she has to change her image to win this election because she’s a fucking non-charismatic loser whom nobody but the three of them will vote for.
For some reason, the debate is occurring in Mr. Dewey’s class with only our usual extras seeing it because the producers didn’t feel like paying for an auditorium set. Zack Morris tells the class that he’s learned a thing or two from Fidel Castro’s endorsement and he’s decided to impose dictatorial-like demands on the school should he be elected.
Jessie comes in dressed as and acting like a Valley girl and goes all Clueless on their asses with promises of MTV and trips to the mall and parties and no homework and other things that stereotypical eighties teenagers like.
Zack Morris meanwhile enlists Screech to start a smear campaign against him with rumors such as Zack Morris takes ballet lessons and Zack Morris is Mr. Belding’s son. Boy, this mud slinging is getting intense! Meanwhile, Kelly is whoring herself out for votes for Jessie, quite literally, as she’s promised eight guys a sweet gang bang on Friday if they voted for Jessie.
And, of course, our stereotypical nerds wet themselves over a Zack Morris photo that Screech has defaced because it obviously proves Zack Morris is one of them.
The next day the results are in and Zack Morris has beaten Jessie by one vote but, more importantly, he beat Jason Bateman, ALF, Gilligan, and the Skipper. Boy, that must have been one hell of a race! Mr. Belding congratulates Zack Morris and tells him that the trip was never cancelled, that he was only being tested to see if he was a selfish little shit, and Zack Morris feels guilty as he realizes, “Hey, that’s me, the selfish little shit!”
Zack Morris comes in through Jessie’s window and says he feels like shit that he took the position that was so important to her for such selfish reasons but, rather than simply leaving town, he’s going to go to Mr. Belding and tell him the truth so that Jessie can be president. Jessie reveals she stole Zack Morris’s teddy bear when they were toddlers, obviously making them even, and everything is resolved with a hug and a declaration that they’ll always be friends forever, even when Jessie takes her clothes off for a shitty NC-17 rated film.
Firsts: Mr. Dewey, Jessie’s middle name (Myrtle).
In case you don’t follow my Monday Good Morning, Miss Bliss posts, I reviewed the final episode of the series on Monday. This Monday, I’ll have a final, bonus post on Good Morning, Miss Bliss and, on Wednesday, I’ll have a recap of Good Morning, Miss Bliss as well as an announcement of what’s next for this site on Mondays, so make sure to check it out if you want to know what to expect in two weeks!