Welcome to Saved by the Bell: The New Class, aka Saved by the Bell: The Clone Wars, where we will see everything that happened in the original Saved by the Bell repeated with new actors playing characters exactly like their original counterparts because at this point the writers realized they could fill a script with the word “watermelon” over and over and people would still watch. I was so tempted for this entire stupid season to just refer to these characters as they truly are: New-Zack, New-Slater, New-Screech, New-Kelly, New-Lisa, and New-Jessie. However, that requires too much energy and this series is not worth it.
We open at Bayside High and it’s the first day of school. Meet Scott Erickson (Robert Sutherland Tefler), our attempt at emulating Zack Morris. Scott will be delivering our monologues for the series, at least until they fire him at the end of the season. Scott tells us he’s the new kid in school having transferred in from Valley. He’s decided that the best way to make his rep is to stalk and then fuck the hottest babe in girl because naturally all girls are good for are as a status symbol.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to our first theme for season one of The New Class:
Scott’s a dick.
Scott immediately sets his sights on figuring out which will be the candidate for his creepy advances. And the writers use this as an excuse to introduce us to the rest of our main characters. Scott’s first two babes are Megan Jones (Bianca Lawson), who is our new Lisa with Jessie’s intelligence, and Vicki Needleman (Bonnie Russavage), who has Jessie’s eco-feminist “Save the Dolphins” mentality with some really strange phobias of nearly everything, which may be the most original thing this show has done so far.
Vicki starts talking about her allergy issues and Scott decides she’s not fuckable. Mr. Belding comes out to greet Megan and, through the power of exposition, we find out that she’s Bayside’s best student, which means Mr. Belding must have a list of these things so he can reassign the title once someone graduates. Naturally, she inherited it from Jessie and Screech. Megan says she’s already studying and Scott decides Zack Morris is too much of a lazy ass to date a girl who might encourage him to do something useful and productive with his life.
Scott immediately takes the opportunity to start kissing Mr. Belding’s ass and, though Zack Morris has only been gone from Bayside for a few months, Mr. Belding doesn’t recognize Zack Morris’s clone when he sees him.
And, in order to quickly and conveniently introduce our final three characters, we meet Barton “Weasel” Wyzell (Isaac Lidsky), the new Screech; Tommy “D” De Luca (Jonathan Angel), the new Slater; and Tommy D’s girlfriend, Lindsay Warner, the new Kelly. And, of course, because the conventions of the clone wars require it, Scott immediately sets his sights on Lindsay and decides he wants to fuck her. Being completely naive to Scott’s advances, Lindsay decides to take him to class since the two of them and Weasel both have Miss Simpson as their first class but Tommy D does not. It’s kind of sad to say, but we’re only three minutes in and I already know everything I need to know about these six characters to understand the rest of the episode.
And oh all is right with the world since not only is Miss Simpson still alive but she’s bat shit crazy as ever. There’s a long drawn out scene where she asks everyone what books they read over the summer and she manages to misunderstand every answer, so she now believes Scott and Weasel to be the intelligent ones and Megan to be the dumb one. Oh, and according to the chalkboard behind her, there’s a test on Friday so I hope everyone studied over the summer!
Lindsay finally begins to realize that Scott practically humping her leg is not platonic and we get to see his lascivious glances as he fucks her in his mind.
At The Max, Weasel comes in and sits with his new best friend, Scott, who is deep into shoveling the bullshit on thicker and thicker with Weasel. We find out Lindsay is Weasel’s next door neighbor and they’ve been friends since preschool. We can tell that Scott is deep into formulating a Zack Morris like plan because he’s busy offering Weasel manipulative favors that we can already tell he can’t deliver on, such as having Megan as a date to the dance.
Back at Bayside, Scott goes to see Mr. Belding, telling him that he thinks it’s unfair that the geeks are being singled out to not have dates to the upcoming Welcome Back dance because, since women are property, they should be treated as such and forced to go out on dates with whomever desire them, and because Mr. Belding might be fired should all the smart kids stop studying because of their lack of sexual intercourse.
Weasel enters under pretense of giving Mr. Belding’s computer a check-up because the school system apparently doesn’t employee professional technicians when they can get students to do the work, and, oh yeah, Weasel has a completely irrational fear of Mr. Belding as an authority figure. Weasel tells Mr. Belding that he can’t find a date to the dance and that he doesn’t feel like studying anymore. Scott and Weasel suggest putting all the kids into the computer and assigning dates by random lottery because that’s the best way to get conflict going in this episode. Mr. Belding is like, “Fuck yeah!” and so our conflict can begin.
After a commercial break, we see that our overly-stereotyped geeks are still with us at Bayside, and Weasel is introducing them to Scott so that Scott can sell them the opportunity to fuck whoever in school they want to. Because get it, unless you’re stereotypicaly beautiful or popular, your private area will remain a barren desert for all time.
Tommy D doesn’t want his property to go to the dance with some other guy but Lindsay is all, “Flowers and Puppies and Rainbows and Unicorns and Equality!”
Scott sells $400 worth of match-ups and, at Scott’s house, Weasel hacks into Mr. Belding’s computer to set the matches. Scott is matched with Lindsay, Weasel with Megan, and Tommy D with Vicki, because no one wants to fuck her allergy ridden eco-feminist cooch. And Scott has the first fantasy sequence of the series, in which Lindsay comes over to Scott’s house to fuck him and declares she’s tired of Tommy D’s skanky boner and wants Scott’s skanky boner instead.
This leads to a tender moment between Scott and Weasel.
At the dance, which is actually being held at Bayside and not at The Max for once, Mr. Belding announces everyone’s dates for the dance. Scott immediately starts setting his sights on the fucking that is surely to come, and Tommy D comes up and starts acting macho like, “Don’t be messing with my property, bitch!”
And oh boy does it look like a hot ass dance, what with the dancing four feet apart and all! These kids are getting crazy! They’re surely getting fucked tonight!
Megan pulls Lindsay and Vicki into the hallway to cry about her possible upcoming nuptials with Weasel and they finally start putting two and two together that too many geeks were matched with too many popular kids for it to be a coincidence. And their primary suspect is Weasel, so they bring him into the hallway to manhandle him. Of course, this could have been his intention all along. It’s the most contact he’s had with Megan all night.
Weasel finally admits that Scott put him up to it and Lindsay wants to go tell him off, but Tommy D convinces her to get revenge instead.
Back at the dance, Lindsay tells Scott that he’s the only fuckable one at the dance and that she sends Tommy D to the curb. Tommy D informs Scott about his upcoming murder and, for some reason, Scott never once calculated into his plan the possibility that Tommy D might want to beat the living shit out of him for interfering in a relationship for his own selfish reasons.
The next day, everyone’s all, “Tommy D gonna pop a cap in yo ass, biatch!” And Weasel, for some reason, is denigrating Scottish culture.
Weasel tells Scott that Tommy D has gone completely psycho and is assaulting and murdering people with the name Scott. And Tommy D will be waiting to do the same to Scott after Miss Simpson’s class.
For running time’s sake, we skip most of Miss Simpson’s class and come to the end, where Miss Simpson is once again discussing Romeo and Juliet and Lindsay is all, “It would be so sexy if a guy would die or at least be horribly disfigured for me.” Tommy D shows up in Miss Simpson’s doorway right as the bell rings but, because Miss Simpson’s Belltones are low on battery, he convinces her it’s not the end of class and everyone is trying to sneak out. She makes everyone sit back down, but Tommy D sets off his digital watch, which she actually believes is the bell ringing.
Scott goes into the hallway to confront Tommy D but sees Mr. Belding and suddenly realizes he has unexpressed homoerotic desires that must come out right then.
Scott eventually confesses to rigging the date lottery to avoid being killed by Tommy D and the gang reveals they were all in on a massive conspiracy to expose Scott’s nefarious network of lies all along.
Scott gets detention, Tommy D is all, “Don’t fuck with me, motherfucker!”, and Scott is all like, “I think I’ve found my new permanent home on Saturday mornings as the replacement Zack Morris for all time, or at least for the next twelve episodes!”
Firsts: Scott Erickson, Tommy “D” De Luca, Barton “Weasel” Wyzell, Lindsay Warner, Megan Jones, Vickie Needleman, Scott does the monologues, Scott and Tommy D’s rivalry, Tommy D and Lindsay dating, Scott trying to steal Lindsay, Scott’s room.