It’s kind of ironic isn’t it: I’m now fifteen weeks, nearly four months, into this blog and I’m just now finally getting to the pilot episode of Saved by the Bell because, for whatever reason, they made the first episode, the episode dealing with the first day of school and the arrival of Slater, the fifteenth fucking episode. This is why I’m reviewing the episodes in order of airing and not production: because, to me, this shows that someone, either at NBC or among the producers, just didn’t give a damn. Even more ironic is it’s the same week I reviewed the pilot for The New Class. This could make for an interesting comparison…
And their way of explaining why they’re just now showing this episode? It’s apparently all a flashback, as a voice over from Zack Morris says, “I’ll never forget the day that Slater showed up.” LAME, LAME, LAME! Turning an episode into a flashback, especially one not filmed as a flashback, is the laziest possible gimmick you can use. You’re less than thirty seconds into the episode and you already have me pissed off!
Zack Morris gets his own personalized wake-up call telling him to roar like a tiger, which I presume means Tony the Tiger and not like Shere Khan or something. He’s excited about the first day of school. And why? Because he has girls to stalk, very specifically, one special girl whom he has a giant descending cardboard cut out of in his bedroom.
Run, Kelly! Run now!
At Bayside, Zack Morris and Jessie are comparing their schedules, and Zack Morris is pissed he only got one lunch period because he has ambitions of auditioning for the part of Roseanne. Mr. Belding enters and Zack Morris does some sucking up about Mr. Belding’s weight. And I think there’s an implication that Mr. Belding and his wife fuck underwater in a swimming pool.
Lisa is pissed because her locker is stuck between some geeks because the world must revolve around Lisa if she doesn’t like the people around her. Zack Morris agrees to get her another locker in exchange for some plagiarized Spanish homework.
Zack Morris has ambitions of getting the locker next to Kelly’s and thinks he can con the guy next to Kelly into giving up the locker. And, after the cameraman has a seizure, who should appear and reveal that he has the locker next to Kelly but Slater. And Slater has no intentions of giving up his locker, especially when he realizes there’s a piece of meat assigned next to him.
Slater almost instantly falls in lust with Kelly and decides he wants her lady parts to be his lady parts. He reveals he’s been in fourteen schools in the last three years and has learned how to be crafty himself.
Zack Morris instantly convinces Screech to share Screech’s locker with him and it seems Screech was originally to be a neat freak as we find out he has a Dirt Devil in his locker to clean up with.
Zack Morris enters the classroom determined to sit next to Kelly so he can sniff her hair and oogle her lady parts up her shorts, but Jessie refuses to switch seats with Zack Morris.
Slater enters and slaps Screech in the face for blowing a bubble. Mr. Dewey comes in his usual energetic and excited self and Slater gets himself moved to the front of the room because of supposed vision difficulties. And guess whose seat he switches with.
Zack Morris and Slater eye each other as monkeys preparing to fight for the territory in between them. And Screech tells Zack Morris he can’t share a locker with him because Slater told Screech he’d fuck him up if he did.
At The Max, we learn that Max keeps a stuffed rabbit in his pants. It’s disturbing to know that so many items find their way into Max’s nether regions. Max gives Zack Morris a Coke to take over to Kelly so he can ask her back to his place for hot fucking but Slater comes in and cock blocks Zack Morris before he can.
And I think this is what they call a redneck wedding.
Back at school, Zack Morris tries to murder Screech by stuffing a bone down his throat but luckily Kelly’s there to save him using the Heimlich maneuver. Screech’s only regret seems to be she wasn’t wearing a strap on. But Kelly is late to class, with a different teacher in the same room that served as Mr. Dewey’s room a few scenes ago, and this unseen teacher gives her detention for being tardy on the first day, which is apparently what Zack Morris was trying to accomplish.
Meanwhile, judging by the portrait of Shakespeare, the exact same room seems to also triple as Miss Simpson’s class. Jesus, does this school only have one classroom? I mean they could at least do like they do with the bedrooms and pretend that they have different decorations!
Zack Morris precedes to call Miss Simpson a whore, a slut, a bitch, and a dumb ass in an effort to get detention, but her deafness prevents him from getting his wish, until he knocks his copy of Shakespeare onto the floor, which is apparently enough to get detention at Bayside.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Zack Morris is playing make believe, pretending to be Principal Morris until Mr. Belding comes in.
Mr. Belding has Danny Tanner syndrome and instantly recognizes that Zack Morris moved his pencil cup. Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris he better leave his stuff the fuck alone before he back slaps him!
Mr. Belding dons his retarded Mr. Rogers outfit and tries to be a fatherly figure to Zack Morris, but Zack Morris is determined to be a bad boy and get a spanking so he knocks over as much stuff of Mr. Belding’s as he can until Mr. Belding finally tells him to get the fuck out and go to detention.
Zack Morris is overwhelmingly happy to be at detention and has a fantasy sequence about how Kelly will surely love him for getting her detention.
And we find out that Bayside apparently has the strictest detention ever on record.
But Zack Morris enters the room and who should greet him but Slater, who got detention for offering his bare ass to a teacher who was evidently not into statutory rape. Slater tells Zack Morris that Kelly isn’t coming, though, because someone actually asked her why she was late for class and excused her for saving a life. Imagine that!
Zack Morris and Slater have a verbal pissing match in which Zack Morris insults Slater for being in so many different schools. Slater is like, “Fuck off! I’m a military brat you self centered moron!” Mr. Dewey comes in and tells them both to shut the fuck up and sit down.
Zack Morris and Slater have a couple final jabs at each other about how they scare one another and they have secret homoerotic fantasies of each other’s hot bodies.
And our rivalry is off to a dorkishly kicking start, one week before the end of the season!
First: Mr. Belding’s obsessive compulsive neatness.