The New Class Season 1, Episode 3: “A Kicking Weasel”

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vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h46m15s10We open with Weasel walking down the hallway carrying a bunch of football equipment on a stick. I guess this is supposed to be funny but, like most of the jokes in this series, it completely falls flat. And, oh joy, another football episode. Is this Friday Night Lights suddenly?

Anyway, Weasel is the water boy and apparently hasn’t bothered telling Scott that.as Scott feigns surprise. Apparently the big game with Westwood is coming up and Bayside hasn’t won a game against Westwood in ten years. Two surprises here: one, that they’re playing a team other than Valley. And two, wasn’t Slater a star football player? I seem to remember him winning a really big trophy for Bayside. But that was three years ago and the writers believe the target demographic to be stupid and have a short memory span so whatever.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h49m26s57Tommy D comes up and reveals to the girls that he made a “Lindsay’s Boyfriend” t-shirt in the print shop. Talk about unhealthy co-dependence. Scott starts kissing Tommy D’s ass, and my first impression was that Scott wanted to sell the Lindsay’s Boyfriend t-shirts, which is just creepy. But, whatever the case, Scott has a plan that you just know is bound to blow up in the next twenty minutes.
vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h50m32s217The girls are on the JV cheerleading squad. Apparently, in The New Class, that means they cheer for the ping pong team despite the fact we saw Kelly and Lisa cheering for the varsity sports as early as season one. Something tells me that, if I keep pointing out these disconnects with the original series, we’ll be here all day.
vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h51m12s174The ping pong team is, of course, comprised of our stereotypical Saved by the Bell nerds, including Kirby, who is apparently going to be a regular nerd during the next couple of seasons. These nerds are like a thousand times more annoying than those from the original series because, by this time, Steve Urkel was a cultural phenomenon so they’re all trying to talk nasally. When they lose to Westwood, Mr. Belding is there to provide a comforting man boob.

Weasel walks in carrying an armload of shoes and some asshole football player named J.T. throws a football to Weasel in order to make him drop the shoes. Despite Mr. Belding and the football coach, Mr. Miller, being right there, nothing is done to J.T. and Mr. Miller actually yells at Weasel for dropping the shoes on the floor. What an ass! It seems Lindsay is the only one with half a brain cell in the room and yells at J.T. before helping Weasel pick up the shoes and telling him not to let that ass get to him.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h52m30s78Meanwhile, the unnamed cheerleading coach comes in, followed close behind by two football players carrying a cheerleader. The coach says that the cheerleader was injured doing a reverse 180 degrees. OK, I don’t think it’s possible to just injure yourself in such a way that your legs are stuck in a split. And, I’m no doctor but, even if it was, wouldn’t it be injuring her further for the football players to be carrying her like this? And why did they have to bring her in there in the first place for the coach to tell Mr. Belding what happened? They even point out that the nurse’s office is nowhere near there, so WHY?
vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h52m41s44Meanwhile, Scott and Tommy D are making new t-shirts: “Bayside: Proud to be #2.” Yeah, this is an idiotic idea. If being a Chicago Cubs fan has taught me anything, it’s that, even if your team completely sucks ass, you cheer for them and pretend they don’t. I wouldn’t buy a t-shirt that says, “Chicago Cubs: We haven’t won a pennant since 1945!” What makes these idiots think this would sell?

Weasel and Lindsay walk in and tell Tommy D that a cheerleader from the JV team will be chosen to replace the injured cheerleader. Weasel thinks Lindsay is a shoo in for the spot and she thinks he’s saying it because he’s her friend. And the audience has an “AWWWW” moment when Tommy D tells her Weasel is saying it because it’s true. Lindsay says even if she doesn’t get the spot, at least she knows that one of her friends will, which is actually quite noble.

It’s too bad that Megan and Vicki are acting like complete assholes throughout this entire episode. They’re obviously hella jealous of Lindsay and encourage her to use a move she’s not good at when auditioning. And then, when Lindsay asks them to spot her, they deliberately let her fall. Why does Lindsay hang out with these two again?

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h55m36s241Meanwhile, J.T. comes in and throws some smelly uniforms at Weasel and then pulls Weasel’s pants down, revealing his nice pink boxers. Once again, despite Mr. Miller being a matter of feet away, he doesn’t do crap and Weasel snaps and kicks a football into a nearby net, sending the net flying across the gym.

Mr. Miller finally takes notice of Weasel and says that kicking like that means Weasel should be on the football team. Um, I don’t know a lot about football but I’m pretty sure kicking the ball is a fairly small part of the sport. You need a lot more skill than this, and a scrawny guy like Weasel who’s never played the game would be murdered on the field. But who cares about logic and reality! This is the Saved by the Bell universe!

After a commercial break, Weasel walks into The Max wearing his new football jersey. Everyone’s impressed about Weasel being on the football team but a cat fight erupts among the girls about who is going to be the new cheerleader. I was hoping that a swimming pool full of mud would soon be brought out for them to settle their dispute but, instead, they’re united over their mutual hate of J.T.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h58m15s47Yes, J.T. is there and still acting like an asshole, telling Weasel that he just had beginners luck and spraying mustard on his jersey. Tommy D looks like he wants to turn J.T. into a boxing bag but Lindsay and Scott stop him. Why? Everyone agrees this guy is an asshole treating Weasel like shit for no reason. Why not let Tommy D use him for his workout?

After J.T. leaves, Weasel thanks everyone for their support but says this is a fight he has to fight on his own, which makes me think Weasel’s about to go all Carrie on this mother fucker’s ass. Really, few characters in this universe have evoked as strong a reaction from me as J.T. I really hate him. He has absolutely no redeeming qualities and no motivation behind his hatred of Weasel, which leads me to believe he just has a small penis and is trying to compensate for it.
vlcsnap-2014-04-03-21h58m59s225At the print shop, Scott has changed his t-shirt strategy to “Bayside Wins With Weasel.” Sorry, Scott, but unless Weasel is going to do anything other than kick the ball, Bayside does not win with Weasel. But everyone’s obsessed with Weasel’s ability to kick. Tommy D is skeptical about whether Weasel can really win the game when Weasel kicks a ball through the window. And Tommy D says, “Holy Canolli.” Holy Canolli…Holy Canolli…you writers really couldn’t think of anything better for him to say than “Holy Canolli.” I get you don’t want to say holy shit on a Saturday morning teen program but there are other, more realistic ways for Tommy D to express surprise than “Holy Canolli.”

Scott wants Tommy D to use the print shop funds to print more t-shirts and he’s initially understandably skeptical, until Scott promises to get Lindsay on the varsity team, at which time he agrees.

Mr. Miller and a number of other football players walk Weasel down the hall saying how great it is that he’s going to win the game by kicking the ball despite the fact that I think the writers were thinking of soccer and not football. But whatever, J.T. is still an asshole and one of the extras refers to him as their quarterback. Wait…wasn’t Crunch just established as their quarterback last week? Speaking of which, where is Crunch? Last week, everyone was up his ass about being God’s gift to football and this week, in another football episode, he’s nowhere to be seen. Way to maintain continuity, guys.

Mr. Belding comes down and starts shaking Weasel’s hand and, for a moment, I thought Weasel looked like he was going to kiss Mr. Belding, but it turns out Mr. Belding is stepping on his foot. Oh, and the overweight football player behind Weasel is Meat. It’s his first appearance and he’ll be showing up quite a bit over the next couple seasons.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h00m12s202Meanwhile, Scott starts kissing Megan’s ass and convinces her she needs to create a “smarter” cheer. Next he tells Vicki that she’d make a cute cheerleader and gives her a t-shirt to wear under her uniform for good luck. Yeah, the fact that these two fell for that tells me they’re not the brightest bulbs in the bunch.

At the cheerleading tryouts, apparently Linday, Megan, and Vicki are the only three trying out because they didn’t want to pay for additional extras. The judges are Mr. Belding, the cheerleading coach, and one of the ping pong nerds. Wait, why is he here? Why am I questioning this? It’s hurting my brain!

Lindsay is first and does a mediocre cheer. Next, Megan does her “smart” cheer and the judges look less than impressed.vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h02m36s101Finally, Vicki runs out for a shower after Scott tells Tommy D he put itching powder in the t-shirt he gave her. The judges, of course, pick Lindsay because the plot demands it. Oh, and, the red-haired nerd who is, for some reason, judging this thing, is Milton. He first showed up in “The Date Lottery” but I don’t know enough about this stupid show to know who’s recurring and who’s not unless I look it up on IMDB. But he’ll apparently be a recurring nerd on The New Class.

Everyone is up Weasel’s ass. He signs all the t-shirts that Scott and Tommy D made and the cheerleaders have written a cheer for him. But, when Mr. Miller asks him to practice kicking, he’s suddenly bad at it because he’s happy instead of angry, which actually makes sense, for once. After all, it is a healthy way of handling your emotions to channel them into a sport or something creative. And it would make sense that Weasel hasn’t had the experience needed to do this on demand.

Scott and Tommy D get Weasel and J.T. to both come to The Max at the same time hoping that J.T. will piss Weasel off again. But J.T. has found a new way to be an asshole, this time by being nice to Weasel so he won’t be able to play. J.T. says he took football too seriously which, if true, shouldn’t he want to win, even if he’s not the star?

Scott gets Tommy D to try to dump some fries in Weasel’s lap to piss him off but can’t bring himself to because he’s not an asshole like Scott. Scott pushes Tommy D’s hand, knocking the fries in Weasel’s lap, but Weasel is easily forgiving, thus rendering this exchange pointless.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h09m49s72Back at school, Megan and Vicki are still acting like whiny little bitches over Lindsay being the cheerleader, acting like Lindsay is being stuck up when Lindsay is one of only two characters who haven’t been assholes during this episode. Instead of telling them to fuck off with their jealousy, she tells Tommy D she regrets making the team and Tommy D lets the fact that Scott fixed the try outs slip.vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h10m29s221In the locker room, Mr. Belding tries unsuccessfully to motivate the team and Mr. Miller does so simply by telling them they’re going to beat Westwood. Everyone leaves except Weasel and Scott walks in to try unsuccessfully once again to piss off Weasel.vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h12m04s148Lindsay picks that moment to walk in and yell at Scott about the scheme, which does piss Weasel off because Lindsay is his best friend. Scott piles on some lies about stuff he supposedly did to Lindsay to piss him off even more, which, of course, gets Weasel in the mood to kick.

And then this happens.

Two things to notice. I know I haven’t talked much about how horrible these actors are, but they’re really bad. All of them. Isaac Lidsky may be going for angry here but he sounds more like he’s going to cry.

Second, there’s no way at the angle that Weasel kicked the ball that it would have gone that high. Really, that’s just really bad editing.

vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h15m08s189But, after some really bad parodies of celebratory football dances, Bayside wins, of course, all thanks to Weasel, for some reason. Everyone loves Weasel because they won the game without a single touchdown, which I’m not sure is actually possible. Please, if I’m wrong, correct me, but it just seems pointless and idiotic that this entire plot has been built around field kicks being the most important part of football!vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h15m47s56To resolve our other plot, the girls feign that they’re forgiving Scott.
vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h16m14s78And Mr. Belding steps on Weasel’s foot again. That’s just liability waiting to happen.vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h16m42s123Lindsay tells Mr. Belding that Scott and Tommy D are donating all the money they won from the t-shirts to the ping pong team…for some reason. I guess this is revenge on them even though that was just barely related to them fixing the tryouts. But, no matter, our ping pong nerds give a rousing cheer for Scott and Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-04-03-22h17m20s211And everyone watches as Scott dances around The Max because Megan and Vicki put itching powder down his shirt. And everything is resolved, except for the fact that Megan and Vicki were complete bitches and that Weasel is still on the football team. Considering Mr. Miller and J.T. never show up again in the series, what do you want to bet neither of those things are ever mentioned again?

Firsts: Meat.

4 responses to “The New Class Season 1, Episode 3: “A Kicking Weasel”

  1. The itching powder was done in the Aloha Slater episode I believe, The writers aren’t even trying, not that they were ever, but I think the huge difference between SBTB and TNC is the cast. I know TNC lasted longer as far as original run episode, but SBTB is still in syndication which is amazing for a kids show that is over 20 years old. (Hanging head in shame) I use the phrase Holy Cannolli all the time, mostly I just don’t want to swear in front of my kids (they are 7 and 4). I didn’t realize TNC is where I got that phrase from.

    • You are probably right on why SBTB has a more endearing legacy than The New Class. These actors are horrible and have no chemistry. But it’s strange. I know some of them have been in things that weren’t terrible, like Sarah Lancaster (who will show up later this season). But yeah, I think the writers are just throwing darts at random past gags from SBTB. It’s pretty bad.

  2. I think Meat is meant to be the Ox of this series.

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