Monthly Archives: May 2014

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 4: “Driver’s Education”

vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h36m22s237 We open with Zack Morris randomly sliding down the handrail. He tells us that Driver’s Ed starts today and he will soon be permitted by the state of California to operate a dangerous vehicle on public roadways, which makes me reconsider every visiting California again. vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h36m46s0Kelly comes up and, since they’re now dating since the prom episode, Zack Morris decides that he needs something to put on Kelly to signify that she’s his property now. Since branding her is impractical, he decided to get her a ring, which he declares is only a “friendship ring.” And Kelly totally buys it because any rational questioning on her part would delay the story.
vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h37m20s66Kelly repays Zack Morris’s thoughtful act of male aggression with a peck on the lips, which the audience naturally goes fucking crazy over.because no one in their audience has ever felt the touch of another. Oh and Zack Morris also flirts with Mr. Belding, who exhibits the reaction one would expect when being propositioned by Zack Morris.vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h37m43s7It’s time for Driver’s Ed class in the next scene so, naturally, Screech wears a motorcycle helmet.vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h38m05s253 Zack Morris makes sure to point out to Slater that Kelly is wearing his ring now, meaning she’s his property and Slater can’t touch her. And Slater looks dejected that he lost.

The bell rings and in walks Mr. Tuttle, who this week is acting as the Driver’s Ed teacher. Remember him from the horrible friendship bracelets episode last season? Yeah, apparently he’s capable of playing multiple types of characters in shitty episodes of Saved by the Bell.

vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h40m23s84Mr. Tuttle starts quizing everyone on basic things they should know about driving and everyone knows the answers except Lisa, who’s more concerned about her nails, and Zack Morris, who’s too busy being a smart ass. Slater gets exceptional praise by knowing the correct driving position that no one uses after they pass their driving test, leading everyone to imitate his greatness.

Apparently Slater already knows how to drive, having learned how on an army base, which seems to impress Kelly way too much because the writers are still looking for a plot for this episode. vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h42m00s25At The Max, several extras dare to say hi to Kelly, which leads Zack Morris to hold up her hand with the ring on it to them. “Me Zack Morris! Kelly belong me!” he grunts as he rips his shirt off and beats his chest. Kelly’s pissed because she doesn’t want to go steady, but then one of the twins says hi to Zack Morris and she suddenly becomes possessed by his behavior.

Slater rushes in and says he just bought a car, which, of course, makes Zack Morris jealous because that naturally means Kelly might go for Slater. vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h44m11s74The gang all rush over to Slater’s house…by bus I guess…to see his new car. It’s a fixer-upper convertible and everyone’s all, “Your car stinks,” especially Zack Morris, who says that even the doctors who operated on Michael Jackson couldn’t save it. Seems quite dated when you know how Michael Jackson looked before he died. But Slater’s like, “Come on, all it takes is a cut for the car to look great!”vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h45m19s236And, sure enough, the car looks perfect after a cut! Kelly’s ecstatic that Slater wants to take her for a ride in it. What worries Zack Morris, though, is when he finds out Slater turns sixteen next week, because apparently no one in the group knows Slater’s birthday and because he’s going to get his license next week despite having just started Driver’s Ed. What’s the point of taking Driver’s Ed then? If Slater’s already good enough to pass the driver’s test, why take Driver’s Ed and waste the money?vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h46m19s65But Zack Morris is prompted to violate the laws of time and space once again simply to tell us that Slater is going to fail Driver’s Ed, because he totally needed to do one of his time outs to tells us that right before a commercial break.vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h47m11s86After the break, Zack Morris comes in and tells Mr. Tuttle that Slater has been talking smack about him, telling everyone that he should be teaching Driver’s Ed, which doesn’t make Mr. Tuttle happy at all. And, after seeing the cap above, I think I’ve finally realized where I’ve seen Mr. Tuttle before.

Tuttle Grumpy CatYes, just as James Marsden got his start on The New Class, Grumpy Cat got his start on Saved by the Bell. Boy, this franchise is just a magnet for future stars!

vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h50m14s116After a cut, we’re in class where Mr. Tuttle says the only way to become a truly good driver is to get behind the wheel of a car, which is true, but I’m pretty sure driving this “car” in a high school classroom with no traffic isn’t going to make you a good driver. It’s why Driver’s Ed classes involve driving real cars in real situations. But they apparently didn’t have enough money to show us an exterior shot so, instead, we get the courtesy shuttle from the airport.
vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h49m20s207Slater wants to go first but Mr. Tuttle is treating him like shit based on the word of Zack Morris. Instead, Mr. Tuttle allows Screech to go first, who takes so long getting ready to drive the writers decide they need to move on to the next student before he gets to drive.

Mr. Tuttle allows Slater to go next, and, of course, this causes Mr. Tuttle to instantly drop his animosity towards Slater, rendering the previous scene completely pointless. Slater declares he’s going to be cruising around with Kelly once he gets his license, which is almost getting up there into Scott Erickson level douchiness since Zack Morris IS actually dating Kelly now.

vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h51m47s6This all pushes Zack Morris into a dream sequence in which he imagines Slater and Kelly getting it on at the drive-in. vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h52m08s1And, because this is becoming the most easily impressed audience in the history of television, Kelly gives Slater a pop kiss on the cheek and they go fucking nuts. You’d think she just gave him a hand job by the reaction they give. Seriously, what’s up with this? Are they implying that next the duo might graduate to holding hands?

vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h52m42s81Of course, Zack Morris’s date in the dream is Screech, who’s holding on to him on the back of his bicycle. Truly, this is a match meant to be.

vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h53m56s36Back in reality, Zack Morris concocts a plan to frame Slater. First, he asks for a private driver’s ed lesson in order to get Slater alone for some special time. Then, he gets Screech to call Mr. Belding on the cell phone and do an almost as bad impression of Mr. Tuttle as the one he did of Ed O’Neil last episode. Yeah, why did this show think Screech could do impressions?

The goal is to get Mr. Belding to come out of his office and catch Slater on the airport shuttle so that he’ll flunk Slater for Driver’s Ed, which I’m pretty sure is not the consequence of damaging school property.

All is working out well until Kelly comes out and Slater offers to give her a ride to cheerleading practice after just saying it was a bad idea to have the car in the hallway.
vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h55m44s59Zack Morris distracts Slater trying to get Kelly off the shuttle, and Slater crashes into a row of lockers right outside Mr. Belding’s office. The three hit and run away, leaving Mr. Belding to discover the aftermath and declare that someone’s getting an ass whooping!vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h56m33s72After a commercial break, there’s an argument between Mr. Belding and Mr. Tuttle that seems to serve no purpose except to establish they don’t like each other. But we do find out Mr. Tuttle almost became Bayside’s principal instead of Mr. Belding and he’s bitter because no other schools ever hire principals.vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h57m40s217Mr. Belding makes an announcement asking the person responsible for the accident to come to his office immediately. When this brilliant move fails to produce results, he takes the show out to the hallway saying the person has until noon tomorrow…or else!

Lisa and Jessie are all, “Someone’s gettin’ an ass whoopin’ today!” Kelly declares she did it, even though she didn’t, because the episode wants us to believe Kelly feels guilty for no reason. vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h59m32s58Slater and Kelly are ready to confess when Screech comes up and, in the usual fashion, spills the beans that he knows someone. Jesus, why does Zack Morris include this idiot in his schemes? If you’re going to be a sociopath, at least do it competently. Slater mildly intimidates Screech and Screech spills the beans on the whole plan.

vlcsnap-2014-05-13-17h01m02s174Because Jessie hasn’t had much to do this episode, she helps Kelly come up with a revenge plan. The plan is to have Kelly feign amnesia and pretend she doesn’t remember Zack Morris being her boyfriend in order to make Zack Morris feel guilty. She thinks she’s dating Slater and that Screech is Tom Cruise, which means her head must be majorly fucked up. The plan nearly works when Kelly proves she’s worse at keeping secrets than Screech.vlcsnap-2014-05-13-17h02m48s231The next day, Zack Morris is convinced Mr. Belding won’t be able to punish anyone because he won’t know who did it. Mr. Belding and Mr. Tuttle continue their pointless rivalry running gag by both trying to come in through the door at the same time.

It almost looks like Zack Morris was right about Mr. Belding not being able to punish anyone but then Mr. Belding declares that he’s going to punish everyone instead because it couldn’t have possibly been anyone not in the Driver’s Ed class who crashed the shuttle. He says that Driver’s Ed is being cancelled and everyone will have to repeat the course next year. He even declares Mr. Tuttle won’t be getting paid. I’m pretty sure all of this is beyond the authority of the principal and that Mr. Tuttle would have a grievance with the teacher’s union.

Kelly stands up to confess and Mr. Belding can see she’s full of bullshit. Slater stands up to confess and is going to take the full blame, but Zack Morris comes clean. Mr. Belding gives Slater two weeks detention but flunks Zack Morris for the course, which I’m pretty sure is beyond his authority as well. Would he flunk Zack Morris in Math if a book was damaged?vlcsnap-2014-05-13-17h05m25s16Mr. Belding gives one final, “I’m a better principal than you’d ever be,” to Mr. Tuttle because that gag was so funny the first three times. Mr. Tuttle’s not amused and gives another Grumpy Cat face.

For some reason, Kelly still wants to date Zack Morris after the events of this episode, and we end with Mr. Belding pulling Zack Morris out of the room and away from Kelly for spankings in his office.

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Firsts: The gang drives.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 7: “Homecoming King”

We open at a school assembly  being held in the gym, and all the students are sitting in metal folding chairs. Boy, the producers were really going all out for sets on this show. I thought the sets on the original series were bad but this is just pathetic.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h53m57s181 And what’s this important assembly announcing? Why, the candidates for homecoming king and queen of course! After all, that’s such a prestigious honor it requires an assembly of the entire school, or at least of all the regulars and as many extras as they could gather together. Mr. Belding asks Weasel for the suitcase with the nominations in it. I have no idea why Weasel has this or what it’s doing in a suitcase but I’m learning not to question things on this show. It only gives me a headache.

The nominees for homecoming queen are Lindsay and that slut Christie Lovejoy, whom we won’t see again in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h54m24s168And Tommy D apparently thinks he is a nominee for homecoming queen. After all, he stands up when the names are announced. He quickly realizes his mistake, though, and tries to play it off as being happy for Lindsay.

For homecoming king, the first nominee is Pervis Beetlebaum, whom we also won’t see again in this episode but was apparently named after a cross between Beetle Bailey and a new brand of lip ointment.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h55m02s36 The other nominee is Chad Westerfield, who we’ll unfortunately be seeing a lot of in this episode. Chad immediately begins trying to charm everyone, starting with our female regulars, insinuating he would fuck any one of them. He’s so transparently fake it’s any wonder why this plot has to happen at all. I wonder who played this douche canoe. Couldn’t be anyone of note. Let’s look at IMDB.

cyclopsYou’re kidding me, right? Please tell me you’re fucking kidding me. James Marsden, Cyclops in the X-Men films, played this idiot? How could someone famous and successful have gotten his start on this show? Isn’t putting this show on your resume an automatic career killer? My mind is blown. I’m okay with people getting their start in the original series, but THIS abomination? Jesus….

Anyway, we’re on to our other subplot of the episode: Lindsay’s mom not liking Tommy D. Lindsay’s all, “Tommy D, you just need to get to know my mother better. She’ll really like you once she realizes you have a trait or two different from Slater.”vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h56m21s33We cut to Lindsay’s room where, instead of making sweet passionate love, Tommy D and Lindsay are insulting the people of France through Tommy D’s horrible and insulting fake French accent, which is apparently required to speak French.

Lindsay’s mom walks in and Tommy D immediately insults her by calling her a “tres grande womano.” She says excuse me, which could mean she’s confused by his insulting attempt to speak broken French, but Lindsay says it’s because he called her a very big…womano. Also, Tommy D ate an entire chocolate cake that Lindsay’s mom had baked for desert. Is he the Alan of this series?vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h57m24s180After Tommy D leaves, Lindsay’s mom sits Lindsay down for a heart to heart about that not so fresh feeling women get. She also mentions something about falling behind in her advanced classes and the fact that being with her boyfriend every minute might not be the healthiest thing in the world. And I actually was liking Lindsay’s mom up until the point she tells Lindsay she’s too young to only be with one boy and should be more promiscuous. Yeah, that’ll solve all her problems.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-12h58m45s202At The Max, Chad is practically giving blow jobs to Milton, Kirby, and Weasel in exchange for their votes. Milton has high expectations and wanted to take Julia Roberts to the homecoming dance because Julia Roberts totally takes random high school clichés to dances. Weasel is showing his desperation like usual, and there’s a moment where Kirby, Milton, and Weasel all stare creepily at Megan as they imagine what it would be like to feel the touch of a woman. Chad says that he might ask Megan to the dance and, as he walks away, the three practically bow down at his feet and worship him as their new idol.

We then see Chad with some more random extras, where he explains that he’s only hanging around these losers to get votes, just in case you didn’t see through the transparency of this plot. Oh, and Chad thinks that homecoming king will look impressive on his high school record because ivy league schools always admit the homecoming king automatically. Fuck SATs scores and grades!

Weasel relays Chad’s interest in Megan, who gives the worst half-hearted giving a damn performance I’ve seen an actor do in this franchise yet.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h00m00s201The rest of the gang comes in and Tommy D is upset that Lindsay is going to date other guys. She insists that he’s the only one she truly wants inside of her but that she’s going to have to let other men have a go at her to satisfy her mom’s controlling whims.

Vicki gets the idea for Lindsay to only pretend to fuck someone else but to let Tommy D pinch hit at the last minute, and Scott is more than willing to volunteer for the job. Tommy D asks Scott whether he can trust him, apparently forgetting the events of the previous six episodes.
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We cut to our new favorite movie theater with the folding chairs, and Scott is kissing up to Lindsay in an effort to get in her pants. Between this and a cut to The Max, we realize that Scott misled Tommy D on where they would be so that he could do the nasty with Lindsay, and this surprises absolutely no one. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h02m24s89Just as Lindsay and Scott are about to kiss, Tommy D appears as the Great Gazoo and reminds Scott of his promise to be trustworthy. For the first time in this show, Scott feels guilty over something and decides to rush Lindsay back to The Max so that he can hopefully get a threesome going with Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h03m06s7Mr. Belding enters The Max with Lindsay’s mom and some other random adults whom are all supposed to be chaperons for the dance. Mr. Belding has brought them all here to treat them to coffee and waffles in appreciation for chaperoning the dance they haven’t chaperoned yet, because nothing spells appreciation for something you haven’t done yet like coffees and waffles at the place your kids hang out. We also get some throwaway lines about how Mr. Belding went to school with Lindsay’s mom and voted for her the year she became homecoming queen. Yeah, they’re apparently trying to go for the overbearing mother who wants a daughter just like her even though this goes absolutely nowhere the rest of the episode.

Scott and Lindsay rush into The Max and feign the worst surprise ever when they see Lindsay’s mom. Tommy D comes out with tunnel vision focused on the fact that he realizes Scott was trying to get in Lindsay’s pants, and he completely spills the plan for pinch hitting because he doesn’t bother to look two feet to his right. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h04m21s20Lindsay’s mom is pissed off that Lindsay lied to her, so naturally her solution is to continue to be an overbearing bitch and forbid Lindsay from going to the dance with Tommy D. Lindsay declares that her mom is an idiot and that if she can’t go with Tommy D she’s just not going, which is actually quite reasonable.

Back at Bayside, Weasel is acting uncharacteristically nonchalant about the possibility of Chad asking Megan to the dance, almost even acting happy for her, or as good of acting as this actor is capable of. Chad comes up and is about to ask Megan when Vicki interrupts them to report the plot we just saw in the last scene. Chad smells rebound sex and leaves to plot his fucking of Lindsay.

Meanwhile, Scott and Tommy D come in. Scott sits on top of a garbage can because it’s where he most feels at home as Tommy D tells him that Lindsay’s going to be homecoming queen and not even be there because that slut Christie Lovejoy can’t possibly win. Tommy D goes over and tells Lindsay that they should see other people and Lindsay just gives an unenthusiastic, uninspired, “If that’s how you feel.” Scott declares that he now knows what the “D” stands for. Um, I thought we established a couple episodes ago it was “De Luca” because that’s his last name. But Scott declares it means “decent dude,” because…I got nothing. I wish they would stop making puns about Tommy D’s last name. It’s getting really old. vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h07m06s110 Meanwhile, because everything in Bayside High revolves around what’s going on in this episode, Chad comes in and interrupts the class to read a poem to the girl he’s going to ask to the dance. Of course, as the poem is read, Megan is convinced it’s going to be her because it has such inspired lyrics.

There is a man who would be king,
Who searched round every corner,
To find the girl who’d make him sing,
Now he’s found her, Lindsay Warner.

Truly an inspired piece of literature ranking up there with the sonnets of Shakespeare and the odes of Keats.

Megan runs out crushed, and Weasel is there to swoop in and comfort her. He asks her to the dance and, since everyone else is breaking character during this episode, she accepts.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h09m27s218Meanwhile, Scott and Vicki have hatched a plan to elect Tommy D homecoming king, because that will apparently solve the subplot with Mrs. Warner. It involves Scott taking one of the regular female nerds of the series, Claire, to the dance and really kissing her and her friends’ asses so that they will write in Tommy D. And, since no one in this universe has any semblance of reason, they don’t see through it.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h10m35s145 Vicki’s role involves taking Meat to the dance, who is busy devouring a cupcake since his thing is eating. Maybe he’s actually Alan! By buttering Meat up she successfully secures the dumb jock vote.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h12m13s104Weasel gets Mr. Belding out of his office on the pretense that someone has dumped detergent in the swimming pool because that’s a believable thing in the Saved by the Bell universe. Scott and Chad come in, and Scott tells Chad that he’s worried Tommy D will be elected. Chad is all, “Tommy D’s a dumb jock while I’m…a dumb womanizing douche! Douches rule jocks any day!” Scott turns on the microphone for the PA system as Chad insults every clique at Bayside.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h13m46s15And every clique at Bayside reacts completely logically by throwing paper at the PA speaker. Check out #65 in the foreground there who’s all, “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?”vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h14m33s230Scott takes one more pot shot at Chad by taking a page from the Zack Morris book and putting a conveniently pre-printed, “I’m a Jerk” sign on Chad’s back because he just happened to have those in case he ever needed to use them.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h14m55s186Thank god it’s finally time to show this dance rather than just keep talking about it, and things are getting crazy up in this bitch as the random muzak that plays at every Bayside dance is in full swing! And, wouldn’t you know it, we’re starting off with Mr. Belding and Weasel showing off their dance moves.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h15m27s8Claire is quite literally dancing on Scott’s feet. I love her pink Chuck Taylors here but I have to ask: when were these “geekish” things? As far as I know, Chuck Taylors have always been a hipster thing.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h15m34s76Meat has some meat in hand and some cole slaw in his pants that he promptly offers Lindsay a bite of. That sentence is wrong on so many levels.

Meanwhile, Lindsay apparently went deaf when Chad insulted the whole school earlier because neither one of them seem to have any idea why everyone else is glaring at Chad.

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And finally it’s time to find out the results of the homecoming election. The winner of homecoming queen is a write in candidate, Megan. Scott asks how this could possibly have happened and Kirby tells him that Megan went to the dance with a geek and they all want to fuck her, so all the geeks voted for her. So…why didn’t they vote for Scott for homecoming king using that logic?

Megan tells Lindsay she’s sorry Lindsay lost and Lindsay tells Megan that, if she had to lose, she’s glad it was to Megan, which is a hell of a lot nicer than how Megan and Vicki acted when they lost to Lindsay a few episodes ago.vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h17m40s49Of course, Tommy D wins homecoming king and…what the hell is he wearing? Weasel is supposed to be the nerd but does Tommy D really feel this is appropriate dance attire?

Chad calls Tommy D a loser and Lindsay tell Chad to fuck off because Tommy D is a good lay.

vlcsnap-2014-05-10-13h18m25s239Tommy D says he doesn’t want to be homecoming king if Lindsay can’t be his queen and Mr. Belding declares Chad the winner because the producers didn’t want to give Pervis Beetlebaum any lines.

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Mr. Belding says it’s time for the traditional king and queen dance, but Megan breaks tradition because she ain’t nobody’s rebound fuck! She shows Chad up by dancing with Weasel instead. *snap* *snap* And what do you want to bet that Weasel and Megan are back in their usual adversarial relationship next week?

Lindsay’s mom says she was wrong about Tommy D and that she wants a piece of that hot flannel clad piece of ass now.

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Even though it hasn’t been mentioned the rest of the episode that Vicki still wants Scott’s hot man chowder, Scott cuts in on Vicki and Meat and gives Vicki the time of her life. Mr. Belding gets it on with Lindsay’s mom, and Chad gets his comeuppance in the form of Meat spilling punch on his white jacket, because dry cleaning is apparently a sufficient punishment for how much of an asshole he was the whole episode. I guess this is why Cyclops was driven from society and became a part of the X-Men: to get revenge on Bayside for his dry cleaning bill.

Firsts: Claire, Scott isn’t an asshole.

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 3: “Save the Max”

vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h41m22s177 We open with Zack Morris and Screech wandering into an obviously off limits part of the school that they’ve never seen before. Why, it’s the school radio station, which happens to be KKTY, Wyoming’s Hottest Country, coming straight from Glendo, Wyoming. I’m assuming that this is the result of the same warping of the laws of time and space that caused three kids and their principal to suddenly find themselves in California after growing up in Indiana.

Anyway, they pull off some sheets and it appears that, conveniently, whenever the radio station was closed, nothing was put away or taken down, not even the last record that was playing. And there’s not a speck of dust to be found. They decide to plug it in and see if it still works and it appears that the record player is even still turned on and the station id playing. How convenient!vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h42m16s208Oh and I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least mention Screech here doing his Don King impersonation, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode.

The gang all invade Mr. Belding’s office to ask about the old radio station and Mr. Belding tells them that it was the most happening station around back in the 1960s. And it was run by the Big Bopper! Wait…didn’t he die in a plane crash with Buddy Holly and Richie Valens in 1959?
vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h42m55s68Oh, it’s just Mr. Belding wearing a bad hippie get-up. Wait, the writers do know that the Big Bopper was an actual historical person, right? I actually find using his name for this episode a bit tacky and disrespectful. Would they have considered calling Mr. Belding “Jimmi Hendrix” or “the Beatle?”

Anyway, the six practically beg Mr. Belding to let them start the station back up, but it’s Zack Morris and Slater’s sucking up and ass kissing, as well as a rousing chant of “Bopper! Bopper! Bopper! that finally tips the scales. It hits Mr. Belding right in his weakest spot: his ego.
vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h44m29s235 At The Max, Zack Morris is handing out all the assignments for the radio station, including Slater as sportscaster, when Max brings over a plate of very small hamburgers. vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h45m43s208 Max says his costs have gone sky high and he’s been forced to cut back, which means he had to send an employee up the street to White Castle to pick up some sliders. Gee, I wonder if this is going to figure into the episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h46m21s78We cut to the first day on the air and “Wolfman” Zack, who badly needs to be neutered along with his sound effects incompetent sidekick Screech. We get a taste of a typical broadcast day at KKTY, including Jessie reporting on students going poo, Lisa reporting on that slut Debbie DeMarcos getting a new sweater, “Kelly Desire” giving masturbatory fantasies to all the horny teenage boys at Bayside, and Screech telling not-so-scary stories in a really bad monster voice.

Next it’s time for Slater’s sports report, which is apparently introduced by band music, along with Kelly and Jessie dancing despite the fact it’s the radio and no one can see them dancing.vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h49m12s253 And Slater completely sucks ass. Not only does he have no radio voice or personality coming through, but he keeps honking a horn in the microphone for no discernible reason.

At The Max, the gang is debating on whether or not to be honest and tell Slater how he really was. They ask three random extras what they think of Slater, and they say that Slater naturally sucks ass. Oh, and That Guy has a rare speaking part!
vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h50m13s81 Instead of telling Slater the truth, they decide to rewrite his copy to give him as little time on the air as possible. Because Slater’s oblivious, he buys their report of their listeners liking it “short, fast, and often.”

Jessie comes in…wait a second! The music playing at the station is just the generic music that plays on every episode of Saved by the Bell. Come on…they couldn’t even fork out the money to get the rights to a couple songs so they could sound like a legitimate radio station? The laziness is shameful.

Anyway, Jessie comes in and tells Zack Morris that she discovered that the “Bayside School District” owns The Max. Wait, first of all, why is the school district called Bayside? But, this explanation does help explain why so many school-related functions happen at The Max. And it turns out that the evil school board is demanding Max pay $10,000 in back rent or they’ll turn The Max into a parking lot. Oh the humanity! Not The Max, that place where stuff happens that could happen on practically any other set of the show!vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h52m20s74Jessie immediately goes on the air to report what she’s found, all the while calling the school board greedy, irresponsible, and deceitful. Wait…if Max hasn’t been paying rent, how is the school board being irresponsible? And if Jessie found out, they can’t be too deceitful.

We cut to Mr. Belding’s office where he’s lecturing Zack Morris and Jessie about over exaggerating on live radio. Mr. Belding says every member of the school board has called threatening to have him fired, which seems unlikely since rogue students can be disciplined, and Zack Morris is all broken up over it.
vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h52m46s74Mr. Belding says he’s not sticking his neck out for the radio station…again…and Zack Morris smells a rat.

In the hallway, the gang are reading the school newspaper’s review of their station, which apparently loves all of them except Slater. And, wouldn’t you know it, Slater comes down the stairs right as they’re reading about him.
vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h54m26s79 The gang try to cover up the truth with a non-clever rouse about scratching their backs, but Screech runs up and spills the beans about the paper not liking Slater. Slater’s all, “Boo hoo hoo. My friends tried to spare my feelings instead of telling me the truth and now I feel all emotional! I’m going to quit the radio station and enter therapy to repair myself of these deep dark scars!”vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h55m19s106 After a commercial, Slater is listening to his replacement, who has the original name of “Ronald Geekman” reporting on chess. Seriously, that’s really his name. I guess Brandon McJockperson and Anita Sportsreporter were busy. But, really the lesson here is that, if your jock sports reporter doesn’t work out, the obvious next choice is someone from the chess club.vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h55m43s84Max walks up and Slater is all, “Boo hoo hoo! Nobody likes me! I’m a loser and my friends let me down!” And Max is all, “Shut the fuck up! You kids loiter in my establishment and cost me revenue to the point that I may have to shut down my livelihood, and you’re whining about a stupid fucking school newspaper not liking you?” Or Max may have given Slater some clichéd advice about believing in yourself. It was one of the two.vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h56m23s234

Back at Bayside, Jessie comes up with the same school newspaper in hand, only this time it’s from 1968 and it reports about Mr. Belding mooning the school board. Apparently, if someone gets out of line in a school function, the solution is to completely shut down said function rather than punishing and replacing the student. Mr. Belding was apparently the Zack Morris of the ’60s, which I find unlikely. Not that him going to Bayside makes any sense at all anyway since he once told Major Slater he served in the Indiana National Guard and since he was once principal of a middle school in Indiana, but who the hell cares about continuity on this stupid show?

Zack Morris confronts Mr. Belding with pictures of Belding’s naked ass, because that’s apparently fit to print even though, at the time, the radio station had just been shut down for doing something the school board didn’t like. Zack Morris is all, “Why can’t you be more like you were in the ’60s and show us all your hot hairy ass?” Mr. Belding’s all, “Quit your idiotic comparisons” but Zack Morris pulls his trump card of pretending that Mr. Belding is no longer young and hip. This instantly convinces Mr. Belding to go along with Zack Morris’s manipulation.vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h58m26s178We cut to The Max where KKTY is broadcasting on location at The Max for a special telethon to save The Max, complete with the resurrected Big Bopper there to support them.

The telethon programming first consists of Lisa giving incomplete gossip reports to manipulate the student body into pledging money.vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h59m52s12Then Screech does the worst impression of Ed O’Neil I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, it’s bad guys.  And, yeah, this is another “best seen to be believed” moment.

And, somehow, even given how horrible this programming is, they’ve managed to raise $2,853. And a jump cut later they’re up to $8,034! It’s amazing how jump cuts can conveniently push along a plot!vlcsnap-2014-05-06-18h00m31s152 Slater calls and donates his life savings of $100 but won’t come down to The Max because he’ll only “ruin everything.” No, no, no! Tell that to Screech! At least Slater is sometimes likeable! The gang think they’re doing great and they still have the whole night ahead of them but then we cut to everyone sleeping, including Screech. I’m praying one of those extras behind him will just kick him. Maybe they’re one of the extras he claims in his book he fucked.vlcsnap-2014-05-06-18h01m26s184 Another cut and we’re up to $8,431. But oh no! Even the Big Bopper himself has fallen asleep, which is quite an accomplishment considering he’s been dead for thirty-one years at this point! vlcsnap-2014-05-06-18h03m07s179 Slater comes in, wakes everyone up, and commanders the show, demanding everyone support the place where he feels accepted and that was once willing to throw him a Hawaiian themed farewell party when he didn’t leave. The phones all start ringing again because giving an emotional speech automatically draws uncommitted listeners to call in and the episode ends. I guess we’re left to assume that the telethon was successful since The Max is around for at least another ten years, but who knows since this is Max’s final actual appearance on the show. Maybe they ruined his business after all? vlcsnap-2014-05-06-18h03m56s149Firsts: The radio station.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 6: “George Washington Kissed Here”

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h09m36s180 We open with some crap from Scott about how drama club is only for dorks just as, you guess it, some stereotypical nerds come running out to sign up.  The writers do realize they’re asking these actors to make fun of themselves in this, right?vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h10m04s227 Weasel signs up declaring how theater is his life, just like being a football manager was his life, or being the engineer at the school radio station. This is his newest life, though, since he apparently played both Dopey and the Princess in a presentation of Snow White. Disturbing.

Scott is feeling smug that he’s correctly identified the demographic of people who enjoy theater when Lindsay comes out and signs up, declaring she needs a way to express herself besides all the other things she does. And Tommy D is behind her moping about how blah blah blah theater is for geeks, prompting Scott to sniff out an opportunity and sign up.

In a great comedy of errors, Vicki sees Scott signing up for the drama club so she signs up as well because she wants to see Scott in tights. Megan’s face says it all.

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h48m20s83Tommy D has apparently become Mr. Belding’s private mechanic because he calls Tommy D to the office asking him to look at his car again. I haven’t commented on it much but this is turning into a recurring thing. Isn’t there something kind of illegal about taking students out of classes to work on your personal vehicle?

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h11m51s24 Apparently Mr. Belding’s ’75 Chevette leaked oil all over Mr. Belding’s hands so he needs Tommy D to fix it.

So, to recap, a bunch of people are signing up for Drama Club and Tommy D is fixing Mr. Belding’s car. Exciting stuff. Maybe Miss Simpson will liven things up by coming out and giving Scott a random lap dance.

In walks the nerds followed by Lindsay and Scott, who are distraught because the producers didn’t want to fork out the money to get the actor who played Mr. Bainbridge back so there’s no one to direct the school play, a historical pageant. Mr. Belding is all, “No worries, kids! I’m an all around renaissance man for roles on this show we have no one else to play!”

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h57m56s22At try outs, Milton is reading for the part of Thomas Jefferson while Weasel is reading for the part of Benjamin Franklin, and Weasel puts a literal Looney Tunes light bulb above Milton’s head to emphasize…Milton is light on his feet? I don’t know.

Next there’s a really boring audition with Lindsay playing Martha Washington and Vicki playing Betsy Ross. And proving that The New Class writers also wrote this fake play, every line they read is expository about Revolutionary War facts.

Scott tells Mr. Belding that his play is boring as shit and that he needs to play to the MTV generation, to which Mr. Belding declares he never misses an episode of Beavis and Butt-head and proceeds to do the most disturbing impression of Butt-head I’ve ever seen in my life.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h14m50s14Scott makes some changes to the script that naturally lead to a scene being written in where he makes out with Lindsay on-stage just as Tommy D walks in. Mr. Belding interrupts them before Scott can get to first base, about to declare that the changes are even more dumb than the original stupid script, but everyone else likes them so he gives in to high school student pressure.

In the next scene, Mr. Belding already has the cast list out. Weasel was cast as Benjamin Franklin while Megan was cast as “Mrs. Franklin.”  In case you’re wondering who the historical Mrs. Franklin was, her name was Deborah Read Franklin and she suffered a number of unfortunate strokes that lead to slurred her speech and degenerated her memory. Oh, and she died two years before her husband signed the Declaration of Independence. But I don’t expect anyone connected with this show to bother to take the five minutes to look up historical facts in an encyclopedia.

Scott has been cast as George Washington and thinks Lindsay is his Martha Washington, but she already knew that she was going to have the role and Tommy D convinced her to give it to Vicki instead, because cast members of a play can totally trade roles at their own whims without the approval of the director.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h17m24s16At The Max, Weasel is doing his best Donald Duck impersonation and offers to help Scott with his love scenes. The hell? Did Weasel just make a pass at Scott?

Scott decides he needs to convince Vicki that kissing him will give her the dreaded “Bolivian guacamole” disease which, since Vicki is both a dumb shit and a hypochondriac, freaks her the hell out.

At rehearsal, Vicki still shows up to play Martha Washington. Somehow school nurses in this universe are qualified to give vaccines for fake diseases so Vicki convinced the nurse to give her a vaccine for Bolivian guacamole disease.

Weasel comes in and tells Scott he found out Franklin was a ladies’ man. The hell? They took the time to find out Franklin was an adulterer and womanizer but they couldn’t take the time to find out his wife died two years before the events of this play? Anyway, this gives Scott an idea and he convinces Mr. Belding there needs to be a love triangle between George, Ben, and Martha, because, since we’re throwing out any semblance of historical accuracy anyway, might as well go all out.

The thought of kissing Weasel naturally makes Vicki throw up a little so she instantly decides to trade roles with Lindsay…again…because, once again, you can totally do that in a play!

So this leads to a scene at Lindsay’s house involving Scott and Lindsay practicing their lines. Proving once again that Saved by the Bell audiences are the most easily pleased people in the world, Lindsay gives Scott a shoulder massage and they fucking go nuts. Of course, I’m more distracted by the gay pride pound cake on the wall behind them.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h21m22s90Tommy D barges into Lindsay’s room during the back rub and threatens to rearrange Scott’s face. Proving yet again that Lindsay is the only person who doesn’t see how much of a dick Scott is, she, at Scott’s insistence, pulls the “Why don’t you trust me?” card and Tommy D leaves.

Apparently Tommy D and Weasel passed each other in the hallway without even acknowledging one another because Weasel comes in next to practice his scenes  with Lindsay. Lindsay tells Scott to get the hell out because it’s time for another creeper to have a go.

Oh, and there’s this.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h22m38s104

Next scene, Tommy D manipulates Mr. Belding into writing him into the play so he can keep Scott away from his property. Yeah, that’s really all that happens besides a brief schizophrenic scene of Mr. Belding practicing all the lines alone on stage.

So it’s another rehearsal and Scott is about to kiss Lindsay when Tommy D breaks in playing one of George Washington’s soldiers to interrupt them. Scott is hella pissed that Tommy D is cock blocking him from kissing Tommy D’s girl.

After a commercial break, Lindsay is pissed that Tommy D is preventing Scott from kissing her and thinks he’s a selfish jack ass.

Meanwhile, Scott and Weasel conspire to put dry ice under the hood of Mr. Belding’s car in the hopes he’ll think something is wrong with it and get Tommy D to go fix it. Scott asks Weasel if he’s sure it’ll work and Weasel replies, “Positive-o-mundo.” Where the hell did the writers get their slang from?

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There’s a quick pointless gag about Weasel dropping the lid under the lockers, which are a foot off the ground so there should be no problem retrieving it, all the while trying to keep Mr. Belding from seeing the dry ice. In other words, lots of time wasting. vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h27m55s177So it’s the moment no one’s been waiting for: the play. Weasel and Megan’s scene is pointless and involves Ben Franklin’s dead wife bickering about Franklin’s inventions and propensity to think up all his Poor Richard’s Almanac proverbs in one sitting. And there’s a light bulb again. But the audience goes fucking nuts about it, which leads me to one conclusion: they’re all high. That’s the only way they could like this, improvised character shtick and all.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h28m23s144Then we have an equally pointless scene involving Vicki as Betsy Ross once again trying to kiss Scott, and the audience loves it, meaning they must have lit up another joint.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h29m06s114Tommy D is waiting backstage to tell Scott he better back up off his property, and Scott’s all, “Bitch, I’m going to get me some Lindsay poon tonight!” Megan is inexplicably hiding behind the curtain and chews Tommy D out for wanting to punch a jerk who’s trying to steal his girl.

Mr. Belding rushes in begging Tommy D to go check on his precious car, Tommy D apologizes to Lindsay and goes off to look at said car, Lindsay runs after Tommy D despite the fact she’s due on stage momentarily. Yeah, this is a really boring episode.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h31m03s11Scott comes out and prepares to kiss Lindsay but discovers that, somehow, Vicki has changed from a Betsy Ross outfit to a Martha Washington outfit in a matter of minutes. She kisses Scott, the audience loses their shit, everyone comes out revealing that Lindsay changed into a soldier in a matter of minutes, Tommy D tells us that the dry ice has been removed and he and Lindsay patched things up…on stage…during the play…in front of the audience. Yeah, this is really how quick they’re trying to wrap up all the threads of this episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h32m01s65They sing a horrible song for Mr. Belding to the tune of “Yankee Doodle:”

Mr. Belding went to town riding in a Chevy

Smoke came out beneath his hood and made his heart feel heavy.

Mr. Belding, it’s ok, Tommy will protect her.

Even if your car’s in heat, you’re still a great director!

They do realize that last line has a different implication, right?

Oh, and only our seven main characters apparently deserve a curtain call, because all the extras conveniently disappear, leaving our characters alone on stage bowing as the credits come on.

The hell did I just watch? It was like Saved by the Bell with ADD.

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 2: “Zack’s War”

We open with Screech, whose sense of fashion has decreased about fifty times, approaching Zack Morris to declare he’s going to get it on with a random extra in the hallway. I suppose this scene inspired Dustin Diamond’s “revelations” in Behind the Bell. Oh and this episode was quite obviously filmed some time after the last one because Screech’s voice has changed.

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And, oh god Screech, what is up with your clothes this week? It looks like the opening credits of Saved by the Bell met a clown convention. Nobody dressed like this ever, not in the early nineties and not today.

Extra’s name is Molly and Screech approaches her to say hi. Rather than being revolted by the idea of Screech coming near her, Molly says hi back. Her boyfriend, who we’ll find out is named Butch later in the episode, doesn’t like the idea of someone warmly greeting his property, so he tells Screech to fuck the hell off.

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This prompts Screech to lock himself in Molly’s locker. I think he just took the creepy thing even further.

vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h05m35s160In what is apparently a home economics class judging by the chalkboard behind them, Mr. Belding comes in introducing Lt. Chet Adams, who wants to start a “Cadet Corps” program at Bayside. What the hell? Lt. Adams is probably Army since we see him handing out recruiting brochures later in the episode, but was ROTC a copyrighted term? What the hell is up with creating a fake program in the military when there’s all ready a suitable one in existence?

Anyway, Lisa thinks Lt. Adams is smokin’ hot and she wants him in her now. Zack Morris is goofing off, and Jessie goes off the subject to ask why women aren’t allowed on the front line. And, proving she’s the most worthless feminist ever, she backs down when Lt. Adams gives her a patronizing remark about women being smart.

Lt. Adams wants volunteers and the only one who will sign up is Slater. Zack Morris gives a remark about not wanting to sign up and Mr. Belding immediately takes him into his office for spankings. But, in lieu of of a spanking, or thirty weeks of Saturday detention (which seems quite harsh for being a smart ass), Mr. Belding offers to let Zack Morris off the hook if he signs up for the cadet corps and convinces enough people to sign up so that the class can be offered because trouble making teenagers are obviously better for the publicity of a new program than anything the administration could actually do.

And Zack Morris’s natural first choices to join the program are two nerds. First there’s Alan, who is promised lots of cake because he’s mildly overweight and that’s apparently disgusting and funny. Next is our first female nerd of the series, Louise, who is promised lots and lots of hot wet action, to which she promises to become the most ridiculous fighter since Chris Tucker tried to play a cop next to Jackie Chan.vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h09m02s186Next is Butch, who is promised the opportunity to beat up whoever he wants and not get in trouble. I’m pretty sure it only works that way on The Walking Dead. Jessie joins to prove that women can join a fake army program too. Jessie volunteers Kelly because she has a vagina and she’s poor and needs scholarships. And Lisa joins because she wants Lt. Adams’s cock.

That leaves Zack Morris with one more person to recruit and I bet you’ll never guess in a thousand years who it is. Why, yes, it is Screech. How did you ever guess? It’s like the writers are predictable or something. Screech is promised that Molly will find him fuckable in a uniform, which triggers a fantasy sequence with the girls all dressed in camouflage and Screech doing a horrible General Patton impersonation, because joining the Cadet Corps will turn him into an army general. vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h11m06s138Butch insults Screech and Screech uses his magical powers to turn Butch into a crash test dummy that he tosses into the sky. Because the dummy is apparently filled with helium, it never comes back down either.

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This apparently makes Screech fuckable to Molly, who gives him a hot passionate kiss on the cheek.
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The next day, everyone shows up in their uniforms, including Lisa, who has created a custom uniform because that’s totally allowed in military programs. Apparently this fake military program uses extremely generic uniforms that resemble Boy Scouts uniforms more than army uniforms. Mr. Woodchuck from Full House would be so proud!
vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h14m34s179Lt. Adams comes in and goes all drill sergeant on their asses. He doesn’t take any shit when Jessie starts spewing feminist stuff at him. Then, Zack Morris starts running his mouth and I hoped that would mean thirty days in the stockade. Instead, he’s given one hundred push ups. What is it with Zack Morris and punishments in the form of physical exercise?vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h16m30s60After the break, Zack Morris wants to quit but Mr. Belding tells him hells to the no. Zack Morris is all, “This requires hard work and I hate hard work despite the fact that my schemes always require hard work!” Mr. Belding’s all, “Fuck off. I need to watch internet porn.”

In what I assume is the next day, Zack Morris comes in out of uniform but Lt. Adams has suddenly lost the drill sergeant persona. Zack Morris says he wants to quit. Lt. Adams is all, “I’ll let you quit if you win the crowning pinnacle of achievement in Cadet Corps: winning at intramural sports!” Really, if the Cadet Corps values intramural sports over all else, it can’t be that effective an organization.

Zack Morris agrees when he hears he gets to pick the teams as a captain with Slater as the other captain. Naturally, Zack Morris is a selfish fuck and picks Butch, Jessie, Kelly, and Rocco (an extra who seems to have wandered in to the class off the street) for himself and the blue team while giving Screech, Lisa, Alan, and Louise to Slater and the red team. Lt. Adams is all, “Are you sure this is fair?” and Zack Morris is like, “On Mr. Woodchuck’s honor I swear that it is fair!” Lt. Adams then actually outsmarts Zack and switches his and Slater’s teams so that Slater gets all of Zack Morris’s picks. Oh, and apparently they’re still in the home economics class as no one in the crew has bothered to erase the chalkboard.

In the hallway, we see both teams practicing. For some reason, practicing includes randomly marching in military formation through a school. Of course, the blue team is really good at it and, as seen below, the read team sucks ass.

vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h21m28s205Oh and there are, of course, lots more food jokes involving Alan, because that seems to be his sole defining characteristic: that he’s the Guy Fieri of Saved by the Bell.

vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h22m25s19Their first practice run is on some conveniently color coded tires, because they would apparently forget which side they should be on if they weren’t color coded. Of course, blue team does amazingly well while red team…well, epically fails. This is enough that Zack Morris throws off his red team insignia and quits as the audience does a half-hearted “aww” and the traditional Saved by the Bell neutral music that could mean anything comes on.

I realize I haven’t talked much about the music on Saved by the Bell to this point so now is as good a time as any. This is a sound they love to end scenes with before a commercial break. I think it’s meant to build suspense but, really, it’s neutral enough it could mean anything, from comical to happy to sad to homicidal to what the hell just happened. And it’s used in like every episode, to the point it gets tiring. Really, some sitcoms of this period just loved to use the same generic music over and over in ways like this but it never worked well. On shows like Full House, it’s used to manipulate the audience into how they should feel, but, in Saved by the Bell‘s case, it’s just an utter reminder of how lazy this show is, even on minor points like this.

Yes, I said it. Full House did something better than Saved by the Bell!

Screech barges into Zack Morris’s room while he’s reading Playselfish-bastard, and Zack Morris does not look amused to be interrupted from his fantasies.
vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h23m53s103Screech tries to convince Zack Morris to rejoin the team and he’s all, “You’re a bunch of losers. Why should I?” Screech is like, “I love you Zack Morris and I want to be just like you when I’m actually the age I’m portraying. If you don’t rejoin the team, one day I’ll write a tell-all book in which I detail your imagined sexual escapades!” He barges out of the room as Zack Morris looks dejected.vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h24m41s97The next day, the teams are playing a very out-matched game of tug-o-war when Zack Morris comes in begging Lt. Adams to let him rejoin the team. He’s all, “This is a sitcom where teens are supposed to learn something so it’s not up to me. It’s up to your team.” Zack Morris apologizes and says he’s a selfish piece of shit and begs the others to let him back in. The others are like, “Hell yes! You were our only good player!”vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h25m32s90The first contest is…monkey bars? Oh, and the teams have taken their dress rules from Power Rangers by dressing entirely in their team’s color. In monkey bars it’s Jessie verses Lisa, and Lisa inexplicably wins.

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Next is a rope climb and it’s Slater verses Louise. Louise barely gets off the ground because she’s busy swinging on the rope and trying her damndest to look like she’s struggling to climb it so Slater wins.

Now we have the running through tires event. It’s Butch verses Screech. Screech trips halfway through so, of course, Butch wins.vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h28m17s211Now we have…So You Think You Can be a Gladiator? I guess so, except Mr. Belding, or “Beldo” as his delusions of grandeur lead him to call himself. And it’s Kelly verses Zack Morris to see which one of them can beat the crap of out “Beldo” first. Kelly’s pretty good at it by distracting the great Beldo.vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h29m03s168But Zack Morris is even better at beating the crap out of Mr. Belding than Kelly and he wins this event.

The tie breaker is another go at the tug-o-war. Despite seeing how horrible the red team was at it earlier, Zack Morris has been taking steroids and his added strength leads to the rope being torn in two.

Lt. Adams tells the two teams that, since the rope broke, the tie breaker will be the “super obstacle course.” Each team picks one person to compete. Slater picks Butch and Zack Morris says there’s only one person who can do it on the red team: Screech.vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h30m39s85Screech is all, “I can’t compete! I’ll lose!” and Zack Morris gives the sage advice, “Not if you win!” Oh, Zack Morris, I’m glad that logic class paid off for you. Lisa’s like, “Haven’t you been watching this episode? Didn’t you see how horrible he did earlier?” And Zack Morris is all, “This is Saved by the Bell so don’t worry. Of course the underdogs are going to win in the end because otherwise we wouldn’t live up to our reputation as being extremely predictable.”

Oh and, for some reason, Molly is there watching. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen.

They begin the super obstacle course, which consists of conveniently color coded tubes for the two to run through, followed by color coded slides, followed by running through the tires again. That’s a tie breaker? Why didn’t you just play rock-paper-scissors?vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h31m31s95They get to the tires, and Screech wins because Butch looks like he’s about to have an orgasm.

Molly instantly dumps Butch and kisses Screech because winning Cadet Corps competitions is all that matters to a successful relationship. Of course, she’ll never be seen as a speaking character again, leading me to believe that Butch cut out her toungue to keep her from Frenching Screech.

Lt. Adams says that Zack Morris won and, per the terms of their agreement, he can quit. Zack Morris is all, “Even though we’ll never mention the Cadet Corps again, I’m not going to quit. I’ll just fall into the collective amnesia that befalls inconvenient Saved by the Bell plots that aren’t convenient to continuity and never mention it or go to another Cadet Corps class again.vlcsnap-2014-05-03-12h32m41s23Firsts: Butch, Louise.

 

Saved by the Bell #1.3 (Roar Comics)

Real life got busy so I’ve got a couple of these Roar Comics reviews to catch up on. First is Issue #3.
Untitled3 Our cover is Screech playing Superman. Behind him, Zack Morris and Slater have grown tall with the assistance of Rita Repulsa’s magic wand and are dressed as the Hamburglar to boot. Kevin is in between them, leading me to believe that all three are preparing to have their way with ‘ole Screech.Untitled4 Our story this month is called “Screech ‘Super’ Powers” and we open with Screech putting up a banner for homecoming while Mr. Belding watches from below. As usual, Screech believes that he is invaluable to Mr. Belding, but Mr. Belding tells him that he’s the only kid free on a Friday night, which I find highly unlikely. I’m sure Alan is around somewhere.Untitled5Oh and it appears Mr. Belding is high, which would explain a lot about his mannerisms from the eleven years he was a part of the Saved by the Bell franchise.Untitled6So a masked man with a knife approaches me demanding my wallet. My first reaction is not going to be to ask whether they’re from the ski club or not. Wait, why does Bayside have a ski club? They’re in Southern California! I doubt there is much snow there!

Which makes me wonder how this guy got in to the school. I can tell you from first hand experience that, after the high profile school shootings of the last few years, there is a lot of security now. In our school district, you can’t even get in the door unless you’re buzzed in or you have a key card and the security code. So, yeah, this guy shouldn’t even be there.

Mr. Belding keeps pissing off the guy with a knife by asking if he can keep his driver’s license. Yeah, that’s exactly the thing to be worried about when a masked man has a knife aimed at you.

Screech, meanwhile, is completely oblivious to what is going on just a few feet below him. He loses his balance on the ladder and I’ll give you three guesses what happens.Untitled7Yeah, he falls on the mugger. If you didn’t see that coming, you don’t watch near enough of this franchise.

The police come and arrest the mugger and Mr. Belding declares Screech a hero because Screech saved his life. Yeah, your life wouldn’t be in danger if you’d given the mugger your wallet and, I don’t know, NOT PISSED HIM OFF!

At school the next day, Screech’s “save” of Mr. Belding is all anyone can talk about. Zack Morris is jealous that, for a second issue in a row, the writers are focusing on a character other than him, so he tries to insert himself as a brave person too, as does Slater, but no one gives a rat’s ass. Slater tries to show off to Jessie and, yeah…

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I had to look up what Krav Maga even was. Apparently it’s a self-defense system developed by the Israeli military. Yeah, could they have picked something more obscure here? Apparently Jessie is also strong enough to pick Slater up off the ground and bend his body in ways it wasn’t designed to be bent.

Lisa gives Screech a mild compliment, which immediately gives him a hard-on and leads him to the conclusion that he might be able to fuck her if he further impresses her. So, at The Max, Screech introduces his new persona of “Super Powers,” a super hero who wears short athletic shorts, a t-shirt, and a cape.Untitled9Oh, and Kevin is there too, though I don’t know why Zack Morris even bothers saying he doesn’t recognize Kevin since he’s not disguised at all. Lisa tries to sneak out and Kevin attempts to molest her. She, for some reason, believes Screech’s plan to be idiotic, which depresses Screech and convinces him that he needs to rid Bayside of all crime because the comic needed a plot.

Screech starts harassing random people including a security guard, a girl who may be Jessie who got a B+ instead of an A, a jaywalker, and a random jock who failed to recycle. These are hardened criminals alright. Remember, he’s doing this all to impress Lisa. And we see that the sign he was hanging at the beginning is outside the school, which explains how the mugger got Mr. Belding even though there was no indication previously that they were outside.

The gang’s all worried Screech is going to piss someone off and get hurt so Zack Morris agrees to talk to him, and tells him to cut this stupid shit out.

Untitled10Screech’s reasoned response is to jump on a table, knock over their milkshakes, and antagonize a poodle that is inside The Max…for some reason…

I guess the health inspector hasn’t been there in a while.

Zack Morris decides Screech won’t stop until he stops a real criminal. Jessie’s like, “Screech can’t handle an actual criminal who has weapons and stuff.” Zack Morris says he has a plan, and Slater volunteers to help despite the fact he doesn’t know what the plan is yet.Untitled11Sweet mother of Jesus…Zack Morris’s plan is to dress up like Vanilla Ice while Slater dresses up like Fabio? Wow…just wow…

But yeah, Zack Morris and Slater pretend to snatch Kelly’s purse while Screech and Kevin are watching. Screech is all, “I have to take my allergy medication before I can fight crime” and goes back in the school. So he’ll fight a poodle and a jaywalker, but not Vanilla Ice and Fabio?

Zack Morris changes the plan and sends Kelly inside with word that she heard the purse snatchers say they were going to an address later. And we cut to a dark alley with lots of graffiti on the walls, including a mouse’s head, which is apparently a gang sign in the Saved by the Bell universe. Zack Morris purposely picked the hood of LA so Screech wouldn’t question their legitimacy, but real gangsters roll up and want to know why Vanilla Ice and Fabio are encroaching on their territory.

Zack Morris and Slater are about to get the crap beaten out of them when Screech rolls up in his superhero costume. Screech is all, “Your disguises are so horrible I recognized it was you right away,” and, in a fit of stupidity, demands an explanation for what’s going on despite the fact there are some rather large individuals preparing to beat the crap out of the three of them.

The thugs wait patiently while Zack Morris explains to Screech how they were trying to help him. Screech pushes a button on Kevin which appears to start a self-destruct sequence, and one of the thugs declares that the “kid in spandex” is bat shit crazy. If they’re referring to Screech, they’re right, but what spandex? He’s wearing a t-shirt and athletic shorts. There’s no spandex there.Untitled12The three escape into a nearby cab that Kevin is somehow driving despite the fact that a couple panels earlier he was attacking the thugs. There’s just something wrong with a robot who has no opposable thumbs trying to drive a car.

Back at The Max, Screech admits he didn’t actually save Mr. Belding but that it was all a freak accident, and he admits that the entire Super Powers thing was his latest scheme to get it on with Lisa. And we end with Screech declaring that Kevin is hella pissed off at Zack Morris and Slater because they didn’t tip him for the cab ride. Yeah…Untitled13

The New Class Season 1, Episode 5: “Love is on the Air”

This week I’ve been watching a show that I’m only now getting into despite it being on the air for four seasons: AMC’s The Walking Dead. I can’t tell you how amazing this show is. It has everything: drama, action, suspense, zombies, amazing writing, and superb casting. It’s become one of my new favorite TV shows and I highly recommend it. Knowing that after watching The Walking Dead I was going to review a The New Class episode, especially another Weasel episode, made it all the more painful. The Walking Dead is an example of what to do right in a series. The New Class is an example of what not to do.

*sigh* Let’s get this over with.


vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h22m26s179We open with Scott doing what Scott does best: stare desperately and lecherously at a bunch of girls coming out of a study hall. “Won’t one of them let me lose my cursed virginity?” Scott asks as they pass him by without a second look.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h23m48s245But then Scott swoons in as the true desire of his affections comes out and takes a drink from a water fountain. “How can I get into the Babe Study Hall so I can stare lustfully at that hunka hunka burning love, Weasel, all period,” Scott asks. Weasel nervously reads Scott’s mind and tells him he needs to join an activity because, for whatever reason, girl’s sports teams and the crew of the school radio station are in the study hall. And Weasel uses the phrase, “Exact-a-mundo,” which makes me believe there’s a middle aged man writing the script who saw an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and thinks that’s how teenagers talk. “Only the white wizard, Belding, can get me into the radio station crew,” Scott thinks to himself. And, as if by magic, the white wizard himself appears in the hallway. “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott says, “I wish you to grant me the favor of working for the school radio station so I can be rid of the curse of never being touched by a woman.” “So sorry, Scott,” Belding says. “Even though our radio station isn’t a commercial station and is here for vocational purposes, the great and powerful school board wants to shut it down due to bad ratings, much like the first season of Saved by the Bell: The New Class.” “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott replies wishfully, “allow me the pleasure of being in the legendary Babe Hall and I shall get good ratings for thy vocational radio station, just as I did for Valley in the long, long ago.” vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h28m43s117And so the great Belding did grant young Erickson’s request, and he discovered the first issue with the radio station: the blond wench Jenny Turner was reading from generic middle English sounding library book that never actually existed. And she was infatuating the love of his life, Weasel. She truly was a witch, and must be burned at the stake. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h29m52s41Then Vicki, the cowardly lion, did approach Scott, making uncomfortable sexual advances towards him. But Scott’s heart had been won by young Weasel, and none would get in the way of true love.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h30m11s236It was then the great wizard himself did push Weasel away from the engineer’s panel to start a call in show for other young knights to ask him a question. But none dared approach the great wizard, for he held the great power to bring Dustin Diamond into the cast next season. The next day in the legendary Babe Hall, Scott did recruit the fair maiden Lindsay to run a love call-in show on the radio station. But the dumb ogre Tommy D did protest. “Lindsay is my property!” he exclaimed angrily. “She shall not run a call in show without me!” And so the two set off on a quest to bring cheesy love songs to the young lovers at Bayside. But all was not well with the maiden and the ogre, for Tommy D did not want to play the magical tunes of the great court musician Michael Bolton because all music on a radio station must be music he likes. The maiden and the ogre did bolt out of the radio booth just as their show is about to start, and we are confronted by the unfortunate fact that Weasel has lost his hearing for he could not hear them fight. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h34m03s218Weasel did not know what to do, so he cleverly invented himself into the apothecary of affection, Dr. Love, on the spot. The wench Jenny Turner was on the other line, desiring to put a curse on a boy who had used her to consummate a relationship with her older sister. Weasel did not know what to do, so he turned to the great book of The Brady Bunch for sage advice and told the wench about a situation between the mythical sisters Jan and Marsha Brady, whom legend had it once fought over a young sire before fading into obscurity.

Scott doth think that Dr. Love is a stupid idea until the magical line orbs on the telephone all appear in full illumination, indicating that the apothecary has clients waiting to be seen.

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The maiden, the ogre, the wench, and the cowardly lion then came outside the radio station, all wanting to know the secret identity of Dr. Love. Because young Scott wanted the doctor for a private appointment, he put his hand over the apothecary’s mouth to prevent him from telling, but he forgot his chloroform today so he’ll have to find another way of kidnapping him.

“You must never tell you are the apothecary,” Scott did tell Weasel, “for, on the day you tell, you will surely die, or at least lose your listeners.”
vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h37m01s238In Babe Hall, the wench did attack Weasel, demanding to know whether the apothecary has a big penis. Weasel did resist her advances, for his heart belongs to the bitch Megan. But, because Megan is Lady Not-Appearing-In-This-Episode, Weasel doth consider the possibility of getting it on the wench.

The wench then used her magic of flattery on the apothecary, sending him into a dream-like state.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h38m31s124And it is truly magic, for in the trance, the apothecary hath been transformed into…gay Superman? The wench’s spell did tempt the apothecary with visions of hot women fawning over his pillowed muscles, but Scott, seeing his love in distress, did come to his aid and, through the magic of slapping, break the spell on Weasel.

At the radio station, the apothecary did advise the cowardly lion to ask out the object of her affections. But then the apothecary is tempted by young Scott to use his powers for evil to break up the maiden and the ogre, urging him to demand an apology from the maiden for her terrible crime of playing bad early nineties light rock.

But then the wench did appear on the line, trying to enchant the apothecary with her magical powers. Scott, sensing the wench’s advances, did hang up on her, sending the apothecary into a depressed state.

vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h42m57s208At the fortress of never eaten hamburgers, the wench, the maiden, and the cowardly lion are swooning over Dr. Love. The cowardly lion then revealed that the object of her affections is Scott, and Scott, to make it appear the apothecary’s power is greater than it is, did accept her invitation to a date at the moving pictures establishment. And, by coincidence, the ogre is also taking the maiden there, as is the apothecary taking the wench, whom he delivered a note of appreciation.

vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h43m50s157Though this past Friday in our last stunning tale of bravery on Saved by the Bell, we did see the set designers use a convincing movie theater set, this week we see the effects of the dreaded budget cutbacks as vandals did raid the moving picture house and steal the comfy chairs, thus forcing the proprietors of this fine establishment to use folding chairs to save money.

The ogre did appear with the maiden demanding an apology for her taste in music, and the maiden did tellleth him to fuck offeth. vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h44m31s122And the cowardly lion did squeeze young Scott so hard his intestines did relocate to his head.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h44m36s185Then, the apothecary did appear disguised as Vladimir Lenin, Secret Agent, and he finds the wench, who does not recognize him as the only student of the school with a bad afro.

There commences lots of waste of time as the ogre doth pursue the apothecary as he purchases popcorn in the theater market, all in hopes of beating the crap out of him, and young Scott, not wanting his dream date to have his face smashed in, diverts the ogre’s attention.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h46m45s190The apothecary doth return with the popcorn and commences to convince the wench that Weasel is a sexy and fuckable sire. The wench doth laugh to see such sport, however, and the young Weasel ran away far too soon. And the audience doth halfheartedly aww-eth.

At The Max the next day, the apothecary is nowhere to be found, and women with no mind of their own as to how to form a congenial courtship doth pursue Scott demanding that he produce Dr. Love.  Everyone doth want the apothecary back on the air, including the great wizard, who has pursued Scott in the great off campus to demand the apothecary be put back on the air.

Weasel walketh into The Max and Scott asks him where he’s been because he has a present in his pants for him and he needs him on the air for a steamy radio broadcast. Weasel replies that he is not a true apothecary and, henceforth, will not put on pretenses of being one.

At the station, Scott is trying to become a doctor of philosophy by putting on pretenses of being Professor Amore, which he apparently believes to be a German name by his accent. The wench, the ogre, and the maiden doth desire an appointment with the true apothecary, though, and Weasel walks into the studio prepared for a final broadcast. The apothecary reveals that he is truly Weasel, which horrifies the wench, the maiden, and the ogre, but especially the wench..

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Weasel doth tell the listeners to follow their hearts and love will find a way and other clichés.vlcsnap-2014-04-26-12h51m15s73And Weasel’s speech doth move the girls of the Babe Hall to consider him a fuckable stud muffin, which the writer of this blog doth bet will not be mentioned again after this episode, just like young Weasel’s brief football career. Poor Scott is dejected that he has lost his Weasel once again, and even more dejected that the great wizard has commanded him to leave Babe Hall so he can co-host a radio show with the wizard. Alas, no more staring lustfully at Weasel in Babe Hall for Scott.

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 1: “The Prom”

vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h52m58s232So, here’s a first: there’s no monologue in this entire episode. Instead, we open the season with Zack Morris and Slater barging into Kelly’s room and demanding that she decide which one of them she wants to take to the prom because she couldn’t possibly say neither of you idiots. And there’s so much wrong with this setup already. What grade are they supposed to be in anyway? If they’re sophomores, why are they going to the prom? Do the writers have any idea how old these kids are supposed to be?

Kelly says she’ll make a decision tomorrow because she really doesn’t want to hurt either of their feelings even if they do totally deserve it.

vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h55m17s48That night, Kelly has a dream that she’s on Geraldo and…Screech is Geraldo? For how repulsive Screech is supposed to be to these girls, he sure does show up in their dreams and fantasies quite a bit. Considering how much trash television Dustin Diamond will one day be in, this is kind of an ironic set-up.

Kelly has decided in the dream to choose her date to the prom based on her appearance on Geraldo. Zack Morris comes in dressed like an English school boy while Slater comes in and does a really bad impression of Michael Jackson’s dance moves from his infancy.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h56m24s225 vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h56m27s7 vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h56m30s39 vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h56m33s70In the dream, Kelly picks Slater and Geraldo asks Zack Morris how he feels about this. You can tell it’s a dream because Zack Morris is totally, “I just want Kelly to be happy.” Yeah, in real life Zack Morris is all about getting his rocks off.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h57m02s96We pan back to Kelly and…wait a second…vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h57m24s66Kelly was asleep when this dream sequence began. Was she or wasn’t she asleep and why is she suddenly awake now? Can they not maintain continuity for a couple of minutes? Really, it’s not a lot to do.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h58m23s126The next day, all the extras are way too interested in who Kelly has decided to take to the prom. Really, everything in the hallway stops so everyone can find out who Kelly has picked all at once. And, because the rest of the series depends on it, Kelly has, of course, picked Zack Morris. Zack Morris is hella pissed that Kelly picked that dumb ass Zack Morris, but Screech feigns being the smart one to point out that Zack Morris is Zack Morris. Yeah, you’re not watching The Twilight Zone

Considering how deep their rivalry was for owning Kelly last week, Slater is way too amicable about Kelly not picking him. I almost expected them to rip their shirts off and start beating their chests yelling, “Kelly mine!” but it’s like they’re trying to wrap up the rivalry story.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-19h59m06s60Meanwhile, because the episode is about the prom, Screech begins his obligatory subplot of sexually harassing Lisa to go to the prom with him. She tells him she’ll go to the prom with him when worms have ears, and, not knowing anything about the anatomy of worms, I fact checked this one and it turns out worms really don’t have ears. Who knew?vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h00m13s208At The Max, Screech has cut out ears and taped them to several worms. I expect him to turn out to be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs at this point but we wouldn’t be so lucky. After all, then we’d be guaranteed the happy ending of Jodie Foster killing him at the end.

Lisa finally tells him she’ll go on one date with him if he’ll shut the hell up and leave her alone and Screech decides they should go see a movie.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h01m05s218Back in Kelly’s room, Kelly is on the phone making plans to go shopping for her prom dress with Lisa when a stranger walks in having realized that there’s no need to stop by the front door in the Saved by the Bell universe. Actually, it’s someone who should really should be in Kelly’s house this time: her dad, Frank Kapowski. Frank has come to give Kelly the bad news that world peace has finally broken out. While this may be good news for the Arabs and Israelis, for Frank it means he’s out of work because he’s apparently a defense contractor and we all know from Halliburton that defense contractors automatically become unemployed when there’s no war actively going on.

Frank tells Kelly that he wants her to help keep everyone’s spirits up while he looks for another job which…is actually believable for Saved by the Bell. After all, the reaction of the oldest child could make or break morale in a household during a stressful time. And Kelly insists on giving back her prom dress money, saying she wants to help out, once again…a surprisingly believable chain of events. I’ve heard criticism about this episode from people who think Kelly should have just told her dad the truth about wanting to go to the prom but fuck that. I say those people haven’t the slightest clue what they’re talking about. Kelly actually proves here what I’ve been saying all along: she’s the most likable character in the whole damn series, and a good daughter to boot, especially because it means she’s giving up what she wants for the greater good of her family..
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At school the next day, Kelly can’t bring herself to tell Zack Morris she can’t go to the prom since he’s so excited and has bought a limo and everything so instead we’re going to get to go through the motions of seeing Kelly torn between telling the truth and just saying fuck all to Zack Morris.
vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h03m55s125Oh and Lisa has a map of the shopping mall in her locker, you know because buying clothes is one of her three character traits. vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h06m47s55We cut to Mr. Belding’s office and a meeting of the chairs of all the prom committees, because it apparently takes all these people to organize a prom and they apparently have to be supervised by the principal. It’s all pretty boring and throw away, but we do learn that this previously unnamed nerd is named Alan Fairbanks, as a commenter realized a few episodes ago. He’s apparently fat and his thing is eating cake. Yeah, these writers have never seen an obese person in their lives, have they?vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h07m28s171Oh, and the Guy with Butt Rock Hair is there, and in this episode his name Robert despite the fact that he was previously given the name “Jeff” in season one because fuck all with consistency. His purpose is to tell Mr. Belding that the chemistry lab is on fire because everyone at Bayside is a complete dumb ass and no one has bothered to pull the fire alarm despite imminent harm to person and property.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h07m45s122While setting up for the prom, Jessie snobbishly declares that Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson hella suck and Slater’s all, “Bitch, do you have a better idea?” They pop in a random muzak tape and start dancing and Slater asks Jessie to the prom despite the running gag in this episode being they can’t stop fighting for longer than fifteen or twenty seconds, depending on who you believe. Yeah, that was shoehorned in worse than Mylo Williams. Anyway, Jessie’s all, “Female empowerment! I’m picking you up to the prom!”vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h10m11s170And it’s time for our featured movie, “Zombies in Love,” which stars Alan Thicke as the zombie in love. And the entire gang has been invited on Lisa and Screech’s date.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h11m49s5Screech starts trying to get up in Lisa’s business but he gets pissed off when she actually starts enjoying herself and Alan Thicke’s convincing performance as a zombie. He dumps her and she’s hella pissed that he’s changing up the running series gag. Oh, and we shoehorn in Kelly telling Zack Morris she can’t go to the prom and then running out.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h15m08s194In the boy’s locker room the next day, Zack Morris is hella pissed that Kelly is washing her hair instead of talking to him and Slater’s all, “Shut the fuck up. Not everything is about you, you whiny, self-absorbed, snot-nosed bastard. Jessie says your prom date’s father lost his job so get over yourself and act like you deserved to have been picked by her over me.” Zack Morris realizes he’s been a huge asshole

At Case Kapowski, Frank tells Kelly that he knows she gave up going to the prom to help the family and he’s proud of her, as any rational father would be. And he says there’s someone here to see her.vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h16m14s91One would hope it would be Extreme Makeover to send Kelly to her prom but, instead, it’s only Zack Morris, suddenly telling Kelly that Slater told him everything because Jessie told him everything and now he knows everything and everything’s ok. Zack Morris asks Kelly to go on a walk with him

vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h17m38s168At the prom, Alan is eating all the icing off the cake because that’s his one thing, and he even offers Mr. Belding a lick on his finger. Mr. Belding continues his tradition of not knowing how to run a dance by insisting the couples dance four feet apart. And Screech is DJing again. Why does Screech always DJ dances? Music isn’t his thing. Are they trying to imply it’s because he can’t get a date?vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h18m55s166Meanwhile, Zack Morris has set up a picnic table outside the gym where he has a personal prom available for Kelly, which…is actually kind of sweet, especially for Zack Morris.

There’s a couple more jabs about Alan’s supposed eating disorder and then Screech calls the final dance, and someone apparently asks the cameraman to dance because the camera suddenly starts jostling about.

Outside, Kelly asks Zack Morris to dance. She’s overcome with emotion at Zack Morris’s one thoughtful thing of the series, and, in a fit of weakness, kisses him. And the audience loses their shit…after the kiss is over…

Seriously, that’s some piss poor editing there, folks.

vlcsnap-2014-04-18-20h21m10s241I’m not going to beat around the bush. This is my favorite episode of the series so far. I’m actually genuinely touched by this episode and I didn’t expect to be. I expected to rip the shit out of it from start to finish. But…it’s actually quite good, even if the Slater/Jessie and Screech/Lisa subplots are shoehorned in and make absolutely no sense and even if the casting director has no idea what an obese teenager looks like.

Firsts: Frank Kapowski (Kelly’s dad), Kelly dates Zack Morris, no monologue, Slater and Jessie date, Screech goes on a date with Lisa.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 4: “Home Shopping”

vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h12m46s79We open with Scott and Lindsay, who have apparently take jobs at the school store which is conveniently located in the only hallway set they have and blocking only two lockers. If you don’t ever remember seeing the school store, it’s because it has never existed before and will probably never exist again. But, since it’s convenient to the plot, the writers hope that we won’t notice so they can go home for the day and drink away the pain of writing this show.

Lame enough, apparently Scott and Lindsay get “commission” off each item they sell. The first purchase, by two of our stereotypical nerds purchasing two of the finest paperclips, is sure to net them a nice percentage. Hell, why would anyone think commission at what amounts to a school bookstore is a good idea anyway? There have to be rules against this.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h13m23s206Meanwhile, Megan, Vicki, and Weasel are “roving reporters” in the hallway reporting on…the stress of midterms? Yeah, I won’t even question the time line at this point or how dull of a show this must be. Weasel is too much of a dumb ass to take off the lens cap but then Megan points out what a useless blob of flesh he is. Tommy D conveniently walks into the scene and is immediately questioned by Vicki. He’s complaining about the mid-term of some guy named Hammersmith, which I’m sure won’t factor into the plot of this episode at all. Oh, and Weasel was apparently too much of a dumb ass to put the VHS tape in the camera, too, because that’s his character trait: being an idiot.

The three go over to the school store to film Scott and Lindsay hocking a number two pencil. Seriously. This is really happening. Megan’s like, “Scott this isn’t fucking QVC, although I have no idea what else the school store could do on our newscast, think of something more interesting!” Unfortunately, Scott has a moment of insight and decides to commandeer the news show.

Scott and Megan go to Mr. Belding with the idea of a home shopping network at Bayside. Mr. Belding, ever oblivious to what we all know will eventually go wrong, says he loves the idea. Oh, and he says he bought his wife glow-in-the-dark sheets on a home shopping network, prompting Megan to declare how lucky of a woman Mrs. Belding must be.

vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h15m27s149Scott wants new products but Megan thinks there’s nothing wrong with the products; they only need the right spokesman for the job: someone with beauty and brains the student body will respect. Mr. Belding naturally thinks they’re talking about him and, in the tradition of Casey Kasem, Megan puts Mr. Belding in his place.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h16m05s10Megan is, of course, thinking of Lindsay and, in the next scene, because Bayside apparently has a television set suitable for a home shopping network just lying around for the schemes of Zack Morris wannabes, we see Scott and Lindsay filming the new show.

vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h16m49s220They’re hawking a $50 piece of wood attached to a strap that they’re calling an “attach a desk,” perfect for studying on the go. You know, I went to high school in an era when no one had e-books and laptops study with on the go, and this is not how we studied. vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h18m20s92And it’s time for the “Wheel of Prizes,” which allows the first caller to win a nifty prize that we all know Scott doesn’t have. The caller sounds like he’s about to orgasm, leading me to believe he’s called the wrong number and intended to call a phone sex line. The caller gets a color TV but Weasel, behind the wheel, moves it back to an autographed picture of Mr. Belding in plain view of the camera. Really bad way to cheat.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h18m46s75

This has been the most excruciating five minutes of doing this blog so far and it just continues with Vicki hawking class rings while trying to get camera time, because it’s funny that she wants her face on camera and not just her hand. And, to continue the fun, it’s a pair of glasses that would make a teacher think that the student was awake when they are really asleep, well, if the class is being taught by Mr. Magoo that is. And this is when Mr. Belding finally intervenes and mercifully relieves me of the pain this episode is bringing me thus far.

vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h19m40s131In class, Scott and Megan think the home shopping network has been a wash but Scott is convinced they’ll think of something because there is no wall for the writers of this show to hit in terms of unbelievable plot lines.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h20m10s163Weasel and Vicki run into the room yelling, “Hammer alert” and I was hoping M.C. Hammer would show up for a cameo because that would be far more interesting right now, but it’s just Mr. Hammersmith. Surprise, surprise, I never got from Tommy D’s mentioning of him earlier that he would play a role in this episode.

So Mr. Hammersmith is reviewing for the mid-term and asks Megan when the Boston Tea Party was. She answers correctly and his follow-up is how many cups of tea could they have made with the tea bags dumped into the harbor. Wait…what…the…hell…

Mr. Hammersmith has a bad case of uppity clichéd character who thinks he’s better than everyone else-itis. He wishes he was teaching at Haaaarvard, because Bayside High is obviously a stepping stone in a career path to academia.

His next question is for Tommy D: the terms of the Treaty of Paris in Cherokee. Wait, what? This is hurting my brain! Mr. Hammersmith declares none of them are prepared for the mid-term. I don’t understand. Is he purposely trying to sabotage the academic careers of a bunch of teenagers just to satisfy his ego? Wouldn’t he be fired once it was realized no one passed his course?

At The Max, everyone is…for some reason…studying for mid-terms in the middle of a restaurant that has, in the past, featured dance contests and Hawaiian-themed send-off parties, and they’re getting mad at any possible sound. Of course, the set designers were probably just too lazy to try and figure out how to convert one of their four existing sets into a library, but, whatever.

vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h23m43s250And, oh joy, it’s James the Actor. We haven’t quite gotten to him in the reviews of the original series, but he was a recurring character who’s a constantly out-of-work actor working at The Max who was occasionally hired for one of Zack Morris’s schemes. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen.

James brings them all shakes as they’re trying to think of new products for the home shopping network, and Vicki starts putting something into hers, which scares me we’re going to have another “Jessie’s Song.” Turns out it’s only fish oil, though, but don’t put it past these writers to do a very special episode on the dangers of fish oil.

Vicki takes fish oil to help improve her memory, because fish oil apparently does that in this wacky universe, and three guesses what Scott’s plan is.
vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h25m36s95In Weasel’s room, they’re apparently using a child’s chemistry set to try and concoct a memory potion. Of course, it’s disgusting, so Scott is like, “Fuck it. We’re already complete fraudsters. Let’s just market chocolate sauce as memory sauce.”
vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h26m53s108Back on the set of the show, Weasel and Vicki give a complete bullshit explanation of the new product, which is being marketed as “Chocolate Memory.” It apparently goes down the throat and then back up the blood vessels to the memory cells. Apparently no one at Bayside knows anything about anatomy.

The crowning achievement of their massive scam is to pass Tommy D off as a failing student who was helped by chocolate memory. Scott reads Tommy D’s report card and he’s like, “No wonder they call him Tommy D!” Um…because his last name is DeLuca and it’s a nickname?

Scott asks his viewers to completely suspend all reason and logic by telling them that Tommy D drank chocolate memory last night and read a world almanac afterwards. He then asks viewers to call in with geography questions for Tommy D.

I bet you’ll never guess who the caller is. vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h27m55s192

Oh, how they love to surprise us! It’s James on a payphone…on-set…because that wouldn’t totally mess up the sound of the filming and be completely obvious to anyone who heard the delay. James asks Tommy D two questions that he had been previously prepped on by Lindsay, because that’s apparently enough to convince all of Bayside, and, once he answers them, Bayside loses their shit and immediately calls in droves to order it, because apparently people were just waiting by their phones at home for the opportunity to buy something on this network. Which brings up an interesting question: where the hell is this show airing? How are people calling in and buying stuff? Why do I expect any of this to make sense?
vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h28m59s86And we get a lame reference to Happy Days.
vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h29m58s171

Meanwhile, the football players, lead by Meat and Vern, another of the regular football players, and the nerds, lead by Kirby and Milton, are all convinced that Chocolate Memory has improved their grades. Both sides of the spectrum are idiots in this episode. And even Mr. Belding is in on the idiocy this episode, as he believes Chocolate Memory helped him get a perfect score on his driving test. Wait, why did Mr. Belding need to take a driving test? He hasn’t had a license all these years? What the hell?vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h31m26s21Back on the set of the show, we have a horrible musical number about Chocolate Memory that makes my ears bleed. Scott and Megan are now promoting the product as a sure-fire way to get an A on Mr. Hammersmith’s mid-term.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h31m42s199Mr. Hammersmith just happened to be loitering in the hallway when they said this because he marches on-set and declares that Chocolate Memory is a fraud, which is true, and that he’s going to ensure everyone fails his mid-term to prove it. Wait, what? How DOES this guy have a job? Doesn’t it raise a red flag with the school board if no one passes your class?

At The Max, Meat and Vern declare they’re going to murder Scott and bury him in a shallow grave if they don’t pass Mr. Hammersmith’s mid-term, which almost makes me hope that whatever scheme Scott comes up with is going to fail. And, of course, this scheme involves James, who is doing a bunch of meta jokes about being an actor who can’t remember any of his lines.

vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h33m36s51James walks into Mr. Belding’s office dressed as Lou Albano playing a Mario Brother. He declares he’s there to investigate the non-existent air conditioning problem.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h33m59s22

Scott and Weasel come in dressed in winter coats to convince Mr. Belding the entire school is freezing from an out of control air conditioner. Of course, since this show takes place in Los Angeles, the natural question is why do they even own winter coats, but these are the same writers who think commission on a paper clip is a good idea, so whatever.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h34m41s184James convinces Mr. Belding through the power of bad acting and ice cubes that it’s only his imagination that his office isn’t freezing. James declares that he needs Mr. Hammersmith because Mr. Hammersmith is really a genius in AC repair, which is just an idiotic scheme, so, of course, Mr. Belding falls for it.

Mr. Belding calls Mr. Hammersmith to his office, James strips out of his Mario Brothers outfit revealing a suit, Mr. Hammersmith comes in, and James tells Mr. Hammersmith his name is “James Maxwell Smartfellow” and that he’s a recruiter for Haaarvard, because Haaarvard always makes house calls to high school history teachers looking for new professors. James says that Mr. Hammersmith can’t be a Haaarvard professor because none of his students are passing, which, frighteningly enough, may be the most realistic thing in this entire damned episode since no educational institution in their right mind would keep Mr. Hammersmith.
vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h37m03s61Mr. Hammersmith begs James to give him another chance and he’ll give him lots of As. In class, Mr. Hammersmith gives the exam orally because it’s easier to move the plot around that way, and all his questions are super easy. Despite this, Meat and Vern still didn’t pick up on the fact that it’s a complete scam. Plus they don’t know which came first: World War I or World War II.

The Mr. Hammersmith plot is dropped at this point and we never see him in the series again. We then wrap up the chocolate memory plot in the stupidest way possible: with Mr. Belding and the nerds coming up to declare that a bunch of chocolate syrup gives you a bad rash on your face.vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h39m50s198

Scott and Megan declare they make beautiful partners, there’s an implication of an eventual forced romance between Scott and Megan that will never be seen, and we mercifully end this episode as I go cry softly into my pillow and relive the pain I just endured.
vlcsnap-2014-04-13-09h40m33s124

Saved by the Bell #1 (Harvey Comics)

When I started doing Roar’s Saved by the Bell comic, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be neat to dig Harvey’s incarnation out of obscurity and review it?” I figured it would make a great change of pace after the end of a season and, personally, I was curious myself about what these are like. It took some digging, but I finally managed to obtain all seven issues of this series. And boy, is it bad.

You may know Harvey Comics as the publisher who brought us classic children’s comic characters such as Richie Rich, Baby Huey, and Casper the Friendly Ghost. In the early nineties, for whatever god forsaken reason, they started trying their hand at adaptations of cartoons. Everything from Muppet Babies to Back to the Future and even the New Kids on the Block got the Harvey treatment, and most of them were just awful and have rightfully fallen into obscurity in the comic book world.

Enter 1992, and Saved by the Bell was at the height of its popularity. Harvey had already managed to obtain the rights to several other NBC properties and decided to try their hand at NBC’s top-rated teen show. And boy did they get it wrong.

So, without further ado, let’s dig into Saved by the Bell #1 and see just where they went wrong.

sbtb harvey 1 coverOur cover is…a fucking picture…

Yes, my friends, Harvey couldn’t even be bothered to draw a cover for this issue. Instead, it’s a cast photo with word bubbles. This is the epitome of lazy. Did they think people would not realize it was the same Saved by the Bell if they didn’t use a photo?

Anyway, Screech is telling us that he looks even better in this incarnation. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t. And Jessie tells us they’re all even funnier. How pathetic is it when you have to remind your readers that what they’re about to see is supposed to be funny?

Being the first issue, our first page is an introduction to the characters in case some poor soul picked up this comic without ever having seen the show. After lying through his teeth and telling us he’s in Bayside’s “Advanced Genius Program,” Zack Morris introduces his best friends to us: Jessie, Lisa, Slater, and Adam Sandler. Actually, being drawn like Adam Sandler might be an improvement for Screech.

Zack introductionsNext, we see Kelly, who is being flattered by Zack Morris in an attempt to get into her panties. But it doesn’t work well, for, on the next page, she’s dressed as Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island and has resorted to violence in revenge for Zack Morris scheduling a date with another girl on the same day he’s dating Kelly. Oh, Zack Morris.

Story 1: Chillin’ Holiday

Zack Kelly Double DateSo, as our first story starts off with a bang, Zack Morris tells Kelly she’s just an exchange student…a student he’s exchanging phone numbers with. (cue drum roll) Kelly tells Zack Morris he’s an asshole and has no respect for her, which means Kelly in this comic is already quite a bit smarter than Kelly from the show.

Gang at The MaxZack Morris must have been thinking about this long and hard because he goes to The Max and Jessie finishes his sentence for him. Everyone has some advice about what he should do, but I’m not sure if Zack Morris should listen to it because the fact that no one can stop smiling as they talk about his relationship problems signals to me that they’re probably all fresh out of botox surgery and may be under the influence of anesthesia.

Jessie suggests that Zack Morris break his legs so that Kelly will feel sorry for him, which naturally gives him the idea to simulate Kelly’s winter holiday memories from Madison, Wisconsin. Now, here comes a problem: I had assumed that they were at The Max, but an exterior of Bayside High is suddenly shown. They do know The Max isn’t inside Bayside, right?

At Screech’s house, Screech is showing Zack Morris his artificial snow machine, which will simulate the snow of Wisconsin. Just then, Slater comes up and Zack Morris, aka Captain Obvious, declares that it’s Slater!

Slater Captain ObviousSlater has sold pornography of himself to get every girl in town to let him borrow an artificial Christmas tree, which means Los Angeles must be swarming with Mario Lopez porn now. Meanwhile, Jessie and Lisa have painted a background picture to look like a winter wonderland.

The next phase of Zack Morris’s plan is to convince Max to let him turn The Max into a winter wonderland by convincing Max it was his idea all along. And the way to compensate for the temperature is to turn up the air conditioner to full blast for a few hours, which makes complete nonsense.

The Max Winter WonderlandThe next day, Zack Morris has warped the laws of time and space again to somehow make The Max look dead up like a winter village. Come on, I know this is a comic but nothing looks this real. Anyway, Max thinks it looks like Antarctica, which means global warming and penguins must be nearby, and Zack Morris is wearing a curly brown wig so he’ll look like Kelly’s childhood best friend. Slater is dressed as a snowman and Slater has Jessie and Lisa dressed in short skirts so all the guys can perv on them. Oh, and Screech is dressed as Hagar the Horrible.

Then Kelly comes walking in and…oh my god I take back the nice things I said about this incarnation of Kelly. This Kelly is just an idiot.

Kelly at The MaxYes, Kelly, you walk in the outside door to The Max, a door you’ve walked through hundreds of times before, and assume you’ve walked into the freezer. Max just up and decided to put the freezer in his dining room to make it more accessible to thieves and the homeless. ARE YOU A FUCKING MORON?!?!

And, oh, the hijinks. It turns out that Kelly is from Madison County, Florida, not Madison, Wisconsin, and that her best friend was a French poodle. Oh, Zack Morris, you know absolutely nothing about Kelly. Anyway, Kelly is pissed, Zack Morris knocks over the snow machine, causing it to go crazy and smoke, setting off the sprinklers in The Max, causing a mess as well as a waitress slipping, meaning Max will have a worker’s compensation claim on his hands.

Cleaning the Max

Later, everyone is cleaning The Max when Kelly comes in to apologize and tell Zack Morris that it really was sweet that he didn’t know anything about her and forgives him. Then, in a bit of a bipolar rage, she dumps a bucket of water on him. And they lived happily ever after.

Zack Morris wetStory 2: High Resolution

Belding dancing on deskOur second story opens with…Mr. Belding cartoonishly tap dancing on top of his desk. Zack Morris, Slater, and Screech come in and it turns out Mr. Belding is so happy because he’s come up with a scheme whereby there won’t be a school dance unless every student improves his or her grade by at least one point, which seems pretty out there, even by Saved by the Bell standards. And this Mr. Belding doesn’t even care about what it would mean for the students. He’s only concerned with what it will mean for his career.

Belding Principal of the YearFirst of all, did no one bother to see what Dennis Haskins actually looks like before they tired to draw him? He’s the most inconsistently drawn character in this entire book. Second, they do know Mr. Belding’s real first name is not “Mr.,” right? Therefore, M. Belding is not his name.

But who the hell cares at this point.

At The Max, everyone but Jessie is stressing about improving their grades. Zack Morris gets the idea of getting tutors for everyone, starting with Slater’s tutor, Egbert Zizzer. As Zack Morris drags Slater through the air, he says the plan is for Egbert to tutor Slater in Bio-Chemistry while Slater tutors Egbert in female chemistry. Oh the hilarity!

EgbertMeanwhile, Zack Morris creates and sells lists of all the subjects every student is best in so people can be matched with the best tutor. But everyone is hella pissed when they see that Zack Morris is hanging out with a pretty girl while giving them all tutors that actually know the subject. Wait…what? Yeah, I don’t think they fully thought through this plot.

The next page is basically everyone chasing after pretty people instead of studying, including this poor lad who is being harassed for his non-existent Spanish knowledge.

Boy being chasedA week later, Mr. Belding’s secretary, Mrs. Dinkle, brings him the students’ grades. Every single one of them, even Egbert, saw drops in their scores, which is pretty stupid and unbelievable, but whatever. Zack Morris uses the money he earned from selling the lists to pay for a dance at The Max, and Mr. Belding and Mrs. Dinkle end up alone at the Bayside dance having sexy time.Belding Dinkle danceIt’s funny because she’s old and undesirable.

End Features

Every issue of the Harvey series has features at the end. This month, it’s an unscrambling game.

Bayside BuglerYes, Screech has mixed up the quotes, even his own, and has to unscramble them for publication. Can you help the incompetent do it before his time runs out? (In case you’re bored and really want to try it, clues and answers are here.)

We conclude with another cast photo. Why, I don’t know.

Addendum: The Christmas Special

I mentioned that there were seven issues of this series. This includes two specials: a Christmas special and a summer special. After today’s review, though, there will only be five issues left to review. Why you ask? Well, let’s briefly look at the Christmas special.

SBTB harvey christmasLet’s look at the cover. Do you see anything familiar? Why, yes, it’s the exact same promotional photo as issue one except over a Christmas tree. And that’s not where the similarities end, my friends! They’re the EXACT SAME COMIC BOOK, word for word, panel for panel. I’ve never seen anything like it! They actually sold the exact same comic twice as two different issues of the series without saying that anywhere in either of them! It looks like the Christmas special actually came first, because they mistakenly reprinted the notice that issue #1 was coming soon…in issue #1, complete with a teaser for the plot to what turned out to be issue #2.

I thought it would be fun to do the Harvey series, but it may turn out to be even more grueling than The New Class