We open with Zack Morris randomly sliding down the handrail. He tells us that Driver’s Ed starts today and he will soon be permitted by the state of California to operate a dangerous vehicle on public roadways, which makes me reconsider every visiting California again. Kelly comes up and, since they’re now dating since the prom episode, Zack Morris decides that he needs something to put on Kelly to signify that she’s his property now. Since branding her is impractical, he decided to get her a ring, which he declares is only a “friendship ring.” And Kelly totally buys it because any rational questioning on her part would delay the story.
Kelly repays Zack Morris’s thoughtful act of male aggression with a peck on the lips, which the audience naturally goes fucking crazy over.because no one in their audience has ever felt the touch of another. Oh and Zack Morris also flirts with Mr. Belding, who exhibits the reaction one would expect when being propositioned by Zack Morris.It’s time for Driver’s Ed class in the next scene so, naturally, Screech wears a motorcycle helmet. Zack Morris makes sure to point out to Slater that Kelly is wearing his ring now, meaning she’s his property and Slater can’t touch her. And Slater looks dejected that he lost.
The bell rings and in walks Mr. Tuttle, who this week is acting as the Driver’s Ed teacher. Remember him from the horrible friendship bracelets episode last season? Yeah, apparently he’s capable of playing multiple types of characters in shitty episodes of Saved by the Bell.
Mr. Tuttle starts quizing everyone on basic things they should know about driving and everyone knows the answers except Lisa, who’s more concerned about her nails, and Zack Morris, who’s too busy being a smart ass. Slater gets exceptional praise by knowing the correct driving position that no one uses after they pass their driving test, leading everyone to imitate his greatness.
Apparently Slater already knows how to drive, having learned how on an army base, which seems to impress Kelly way too much because the writers are still looking for a plot for this episode. At The Max, several extras dare to say hi to Kelly, which leads Zack Morris to hold up her hand with the ring on it to them. “Me Zack Morris! Kelly belong me!” he grunts as he rips his shirt off and beats his chest. Kelly’s pissed because she doesn’t want to go steady, but then one of the twins says hi to Zack Morris and she suddenly becomes possessed by his behavior.
Slater rushes in and says he just bought a car, which, of course, makes Zack Morris jealous because that naturally means Kelly might go for Slater. The gang all rush over to Slater’s house…by bus I guess…to see his new car. It’s a fixer-upper convertible and everyone’s all, “Your car stinks,” especially Zack Morris, who says that even the doctors who operated on Michael Jackson couldn’t save it. Seems quite dated when you know how Michael Jackson looked before he died. But Slater’s like, “Come on, all it takes is a cut for the car to look great!”And, sure enough, the car looks perfect after a cut! Kelly’s ecstatic that Slater wants to take her for a ride in it. What worries Zack Morris, though, is when he finds out Slater turns sixteen next week, because apparently no one in the group knows Slater’s birthday and because he’s going to get his license next week despite having just started Driver’s Ed. What’s the point of taking Driver’s Ed then? If Slater’s already good enough to pass the driver’s test, why take Driver’s Ed and waste the money?But Zack Morris is prompted to violate the laws of time and space once again simply to tell us that Slater is going to fail Driver’s Ed, because he totally needed to do one of his time outs to tells us that right before a commercial break.After the break, Zack Morris comes in and tells Mr. Tuttle that Slater has been talking smack about him, telling everyone that he should be teaching Driver’s Ed, which doesn’t make Mr. Tuttle happy at all. And, after seeing the cap above, I think I’ve finally realized where I’ve seen Mr. Tuttle before.
After a cut, we’re in class where Mr. Tuttle says the only way to become a truly good driver is to get behind the wheel of a car, which is true, but I’m pretty sure driving this “car” in a high school classroom with no traffic isn’t going to make you a good driver. It’s why Driver’s Ed classes involve driving real cars in real situations. But they apparently didn’t have enough money to show us an exterior shot so, instead, we get the courtesy shuttle from the airport.
Slater wants to go first but Mr. Tuttle is treating him like shit based on the word of Zack Morris. Instead, Mr. Tuttle allows Screech to go first, who takes so long getting ready to drive the writers decide they need to move on to the next student before he gets to drive.
Mr. Tuttle allows Slater to go next, and, of course, this causes Mr. Tuttle to instantly drop his animosity towards Slater, rendering the previous scene completely pointless. Slater declares he’s going to be cruising around with Kelly once he gets his license, which is almost getting up there into Scott Erickson level douchiness since Zack Morris IS actually dating Kelly now.
This all pushes Zack Morris into a dream sequence in which he imagines Slater and Kelly getting it on at the drive-in. And, because this is becoming the most easily impressed audience in the history of television, Kelly gives Slater a pop kiss on the cheek and they go fucking nuts. You’d think she just gave him a hand job by the reaction they give. Seriously, what’s up with this? Are they implying that next the duo might graduate to holding hands?
Back in reality, Zack Morris concocts a plan to frame Slater. First, he asks for a private driver’s ed lesson in order to get Slater alone for some special time. Then, he gets Screech to call Mr. Belding on the cell phone and do an almost as bad impression of Mr. Tuttle as the one he did of Ed O’Neil last episode. Yeah, why did this show think Screech could do impressions?
The goal is to get Mr. Belding to come out of his office and catch Slater on the airport shuttle so that he’ll flunk Slater for Driver’s Ed, which I’m pretty sure is not the consequence of damaging school property.
All is working out well until Kelly comes out and Slater offers to give her a ride to cheerleading practice after just saying it was a bad idea to have the car in the hallway.
Zack Morris distracts Slater trying to get Kelly off the shuttle, and Slater crashes into a row of lockers right outside Mr. Belding’s office. The three hit and run away, leaving Mr. Belding to discover the aftermath and declare that someone’s getting an ass whooping!After a commercial break, there’s an argument between Mr. Belding and Mr. Tuttle that seems to serve no purpose except to establish they don’t like each other. But we do find out Mr. Tuttle almost became Bayside’s principal instead of Mr. Belding and he’s bitter because no other schools ever hire principals.Mr. Belding makes an announcement asking the person responsible for the accident to come to his office immediately. When this brilliant move fails to produce results, he takes the show out to the hallway saying the person has until noon tomorrow…or else!
Lisa and Jessie are all, “Someone’s gettin’ an ass whoopin’ today!” Kelly declares she did it, even though she didn’t, because the episode wants us to believe Kelly feels guilty for no reason. Slater and Kelly are ready to confess when Screech comes up and, in the usual fashion, spills the beans that he knows someone. Jesus, why does Zack Morris include this idiot in his schemes? If you’re going to be a sociopath, at least do it competently. Slater mildly intimidates Screech and Screech spills the beans on the whole plan.
Because Jessie hasn’t had much to do this episode, she helps Kelly come up with a revenge plan. The plan is to have Kelly feign amnesia and pretend she doesn’t remember Zack Morris being her boyfriend in order to make Zack Morris feel guilty. She thinks she’s dating Slater and that Screech is Tom Cruise, which means her head must be majorly fucked up. The plan nearly works when Kelly proves she’s worse at keeping secrets than Screech.The next day, Zack Morris is convinced Mr. Belding won’t be able to punish anyone because he won’t know who did it. Mr. Belding and Mr. Tuttle continue their pointless rivalry running gag by both trying to come in through the door at the same time.
It almost looks like Zack Morris was right about Mr. Belding not being able to punish anyone but then Mr. Belding declares that he’s going to punish everyone instead because it couldn’t have possibly been anyone not in the Driver’s Ed class who crashed the shuttle. He says that Driver’s Ed is being cancelled and everyone will have to repeat the course next year. He even declares Mr. Tuttle won’t be getting paid. I’m pretty sure all of this is beyond the authority of the principal and that Mr. Tuttle would have a grievance with the teacher’s union.
Kelly stands up to confess and Mr. Belding can see she’s full of bullshit. Slater stands up to confess and is going to take the full blame, but Zack Morris comes clean. Mr. Belding gives Slater two weeks detention but flunks Zack Morris for the course, which I’m pretty sure is beyond his authority as well. Would he flunk Zack Morris in Math if a book was damaged?Mr. Belding gives one final, “I’m a better principal than you’d ever be,” to Mr. Tuttle because that gag was so funny the first three times. Mr. Tuttle’s not amused and gives another Grumpy Cat face.
For some reason, Kelly still wants to date Zack Morris after the events of this episode, and we end with Mr. Belding pulling Zack Morris out of the room and away from Kelly for spankings in his office.
Firsts: The gang drives.