We open with Scott and Lindsay, who have apparently take jobs at the school store which is conveniently located in the only hallway set they have and blocking only two lockers. If you don’t ever remember seeing the school store, it’s because it has never existed before and will probably never exist again. But, since it’s convenient to the plot, the writers hope that we won’t notice so they can go home for the day and drink away the pain of writing this show.
Lame enough, apparently Scott and Lindsay get “commission” off each item they sell. The first purchase, by two of our stereotypical nerds purchasing two of the finest paperclips, is sure to net them a nice percentage. Hell, why would anyone think commission at what amounts to a school bookstore is a good idea anyway? There have to be rules against this.Meanwhile, Megan, Vicki, and Weasel are “roving reporters” in the hallway reporting on…the stress of midterms? Yeah, I won’t even question the time line at this point or how dull of a show this must be. Weasel is too much of a dumb ass to take off the lens cap but then Megan points out what a useless blob of flesh he is. Tommy D conveniently walks into the scene and is immediately questioned by Vicki. He’s complaining about the mid-term of some guy named Hammersmith, which I’m sure won’t factor into the plot of this episode at all. Oh, and Weasel was apparently too much of a dumb ass to put the VHS tape in the camera, too, because that’s his character trait: being an idiot.
The three go over to the school store to film Scott and Lindsay hocking a number two pencil. Seriously. This is really happening. Megan’s like, “Scott this isn’t fucking QVC, although I have no idea what else the school store could do on our newscast, think of something more interesting!” Unfortunately, Scott has a moment of insight and decides to commandeer the news show.
Scott and Megan go to Mr. Belding with the idea of a home shopping network at Bayside. Mr. Belding, ever oblivious to what we all know will eventually go wrong, says he loves the idea. Oh, and he says he bought his wife glow-in-the-dark sheets on a home shopping network, prompting Megan to declare how lucky of a woman Mrs. Belding must be.
Scott wants new products but Megan thinks there’s nothing wrong with the products; they only need the right spokesman for the job: someone with beauty and brains the student body will respect. Mr. Belding naturally thinks they’re talking about him and, in the tradition of Casey Kasem, Megan puts Mr. Belding in his place.Megan is, of course, thinking of Lindsay and, in the next scene, because Bayside apparently has a television set suitable for a home shopping network just lying around for the schemes of Zack Morris wannabes, we see Scott and Lindsay filming the new show.
They’re hawking a $50 piece of wood attached to a strap that they’re calling an “attach a desk,” perfect for studying on the go. You know, I went to high school in an era when no one had e-books and laptops study with on the go, and this is not how we studied. And it’s time for the “Wheel of Prizes,” which allows the first caller to win a nifty prize that we all know Scott doesn’t have. The caller sounds like he’s about to orgasm, leading me to believe he’s called the wrong number and intended to call a phone sex line. The caller gets a color TV but Weasel, behind the wheel, moves it back to an autographed picture of Mr. Belding in plain view of the camera. Really bad way to cheat.
This has been the most excruciating five minutes of doing this blog so far and it just continues with Vicki hawking class rings while trying to get camera time, because it’s funny that she wants her face on camera and not just her hand. And, to continue the fun, it’s a pair of glasses that would make a teacher think that the student was awake when they are really asleep, well, if the class is being taught by Mr. Magoo that is. And this is when Mr. Belding finally intervenes and mercifully relieves me of the pain this episode is bringing me thus far.
In class, Scott and Megan think the home shopping network has been a wash but Scott is convinced they’ll think of something because there is no wall for the writers of this show to hit in terms of unbelievable plot lines.Weasel and Vicki run into the room yelling, “Hammer alert” and I was hoping M.C. Hammer would show up for a cameo because that would be far more interesting right now, but it’s just Mr. Hammersmith. Surprise, surprise, I never got from Tommy D’s mentioning of him earlier that he would play a role in this episode.
So Mr. Hammersmith is reviewing for the mid-term and asks Megan when the Boston Tea Party was. She answers correctly and his follow-up is how many cups of tea could they have made with the tea bags dumped into the harbor. Wait…what…the…hell…
Mr. Hammersmith has a bad case of uppity clichéd character who thinks he’s better than everyone else-itis. He wishes he was teaching at Haaaarvard, because Bayside High is obviously a stepping stone in a career path to academia.
His next question is for Tommy D: the terms of the Treaty of Paris in Cherokee. Wait, what? This is hurting my brain! Mr. Hammersmith declares none of them are prepared for the mid-term. I don’t understand. Is he purposely trying to sabotage the academic careers of a bunch of teenagers just to satisfy his ego? Wouldn’t he be fired once it was realized no one passed his course?
At The Max, everyone is…for some reason…studying for mid-terms in the middle of a restaurant that has, in the past, featured dance contests and Hawaiian-themed send-off parties, and they’re getting mad at any possible sound. Of course, the set designers were probably just too lazy to try and figure out how to convert one of their four existing sets into a library, but, whatever.
And, oh joy, it’s James the Actor. We haven’t quite gotten to him in the reviews of the original series, but he was a recurring character who’s a constantly out-of-work actor working at The Max who was occasionally hired for one of Zack Morris’s schemes. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen.
James brings them all shakes as they’re trying to think of new products for the home shopping network, and Vicki starts putting something into hers, which scares me we’re going to have another “Jessie’s Song.” Turns out it’s only fish oil, though, but don’t put it past these writers to do a very special episode on the dangers of fish oil.
Vicki takes fish oil to help improve her memory, because fish oil apparently does that in this wacky universe, and three guesses what Scott’s plan is.
In Weasel’s room, they’re apparently using a child’s chemistry set to try and concoct a memory potion. Of course, it’s disgusting, so Scott is like, “Fuck it. We’re already complete fraudsters. Let’s just market chocolate sauce as memory sauce.”
Back on the set of the show, Weasel and Vicki give a complete bullshit explanation of the new product, which is being marketed as “Chocolate Memory.” It apparently goes down the throat and then back up the blood vessels to the memory cells. Apparently no one at Bayside knows anything about anatomy.
The crowning achievement of their massive scam is to pass Tommy D off as a failing student who was helped by chocolate memory. Scott reads Tommy D’s report card and he’s like, “No wonder they call him Tommy D!” Um…because his last name is DeLuca and it’s a nickname?
Scott asks his viewers to completely suspend all reason and logic by telling them that Tommy D drank chocolate memory last night and read a world almanac afterwards. He then asks viewers to call in with geography questions for Tommy D.
Oh, how they love to surprise us! It’s James on a payphone…on-set…because that wouldn’t totally mess up the sound of the filming and be completely obvious to anyone who heard the delay. James asks Tommy D two questions that he had been previously prepped on by Lindsay, because that’s apparently enough to convince all of Bayside, and, once he answers them, Bayside loses their shit and immediately calls in droves to order it, because apparently people were just waiting by their phones at home for the opportunity to buy something on this network. Which brings up an interesting question: where the hell is this show airing? How are people calling in and buying stuff? Why do I expect any of this to make sense?
And we get a lame reference to Happy Days.
Meanwhile, the football players, lead by Meat and Vern, another of the regular football players, and the nerds, lead by Kirby and Milton, are all convinced that Chocolate Memory has improved their grades. Both sides of the spectrum are idiots in this episode. And even Mr. Belding is in on the idiocy this episode, as he believes Chocolate Memory helped him get a perfect score on his driving test. Wait, why did Mr. Belding need to take a driving test? He hasn’t had a license all these years? What the hell?Back on the set of the show, we have a horrible musical number about Chocolate Memory that makes my ears bleed. Scott and Megan are now promoting the product as a sure-fire way to get an A on Mr. Hammersmith’s mid-term.Mr. Hammersmith just happened to be loitering in the hallway when they said this because he marches on-set and declares that Chocolate Memory is a fraud, which is true, and that he’s going to ensure everyone fails his mid-term to prove it. Wait, what? How DOES this guy have a job? Doesn’t it raise a red flag with the school board if no one passes your class?
At The Max, Meat and Vern declare they’re going to murder Scott and bury him in a shallow grave if they don’t pass Mr. Hammersmith’s mid-term, which almost makes me hope that whatever scheme Scott comes up with is going to fail. And, of course, this scheme involves James, who is doing a bunch of meta jokes about being an actor who can’t remember any of his lines.
Scott and Weasel come in dressed in winter coats to convince Mr. Belding the entire school is freezing from an out of control air conditioner. Of course, since this show takes place in Los Angeles, the natural question is why do they even own winter coats, but these are the same writers who think commission on a paper clip is a good idea, so whatever.James convinces Mr. Belding through the power of bad acting and ice cubes that it’s only his imagination that his office isn’t freezing. James declares that he needs Mr. Hammersmith because Mr. Hammersmith is really a genius in AC repair, which is just an idiotic scheme, so, of course, Mr. Belding falls for it.
Mr. Belding calls Mr. Hammersmith to his office, James strips out of his Mario Brothers outfit revealing a suit, Mr. Hammersmith comes in, and James tells Mr. Hammersmith his name is “James Maxwell Smartfellow” and that he’s a recruiter for Haaarvard, because Haaarvard always makes house calls to high school history teachers looking for new professors. James says that Mr. Hammersmith can’t be a Haaarvard professor because none of his students are passing, which, frighteningly enough, may be the most realistic thing in this entire damned episode since no educational institution in their right mind would keep Mr. Hammersmith.
Mr. Hammersmith begs James to give him another chance and he’ll give him lots of As. In class, Mr. Hammersmith gives the exam orally because it’s easier to move the plot around that way, and all his questions are super easy. Despite this, Meat and Vern still didn’t pick up on the fact that it’s a complete scam. Plus they don’t know which came first: World War I or World War II.
The Mr. Hammersmith plot is dropped at this point and we never see him in the series again. We then wrap up the chocolate memory plot in the stupidest way possible: with Mr. Belding and the nerds coming up to declare that a bunch of chocolate syrup gives you a bad rash on your face.
Scott and Megan declare they make beautiful partners, there’s an implication of an eventual forced romance between Scott and Megan that will never be seen, and we mercifully end this episode as I go cry softly into my pillow and relive the pain I just endured.