This week I’ve been watching a show that I’m only now getting into despite it being on the air for four seasons: AMC’s The Walking Dead. I can’t tell you how amazing this show is. It has everything: drama, action, suspense, zombies, amazing writing, and superb casting. It’s become one of my new favorite TV shows and I highly recommend it. Knowing that after watching The Walking Dead I was going to review a The New Class episode, especially another Weasel episode, made it all the more painful. The Walking Dead is an example of what to do right in a series. The New Class is an example of what not to do.
*sigh* Let’s get this over with.
We open with Scott doing what Scott does best: stare desperately and lecherously at a bunch of girls coming out of a study hall. “Won’t one of them let me lose my cursed virginity?” Scott asks as they pass him by without a second look.But then Scott swoons in as the true desire of his affections comes out and takes a drink from a water fountain. “How can I get into the Babe Study Hall so I can stare lustfully at that hunka hunka burning love, Weasel, all period,” Scott asks. Weasel nervously reads Scott’s mind and tells him he needs to join an activity because, for whatever reason, girl’s sports teams and the crew of the school radio station are in the study hall. And Weasel uses the phrase, “Exact-a-mundo,” which makes me believe there’s a middle aged man writing the script who saw an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and thinks that’s how teenagers talk. “Only the white wizard, Belding, can get me into the radio station crew,” Scott thinks to himself. And, as if by magic, the white wizard himself appears in the hallway. “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott says, “I wish you to grant me the favor of working for the school radio station so I can be rid of the curse of never being touched by a woman.” “So sorry, Scott,” Belding says. “Even though our radio station isn’t a commercial station and is here for vocational purposes, the great and powerful school board wants to shut it down due to bad ratings, much like the first season of Saved by the Bell: The New Class.” “Oh, great and powerful Belding,” Scott replies wishfully, “allow me the pleasure of being in the legendary Babe Hall and I shall get good ratings for thy vocational radio station, just as I did for Valley in the long, long ago.” And so the great Belding did grant young Erickson’s request, and he discovered the first issue with the radio station: the blond wench Jenny Turner was reading from generic middle English sounding library book that never actually existed. And she was infatuating the love of his life, Weasel. She truly was a witch, and must be burned at the stake. Then Vicki, the cowardly lion, did approach Scott, making uncomfortable sexual advances towards him. But Scott’s heart had been won by young Weasel, and none would get in the way of true love.It was then the great wizard himself did push Weasel away from the engineer’s panel to start a call in show for other young knights to ask him a question. But none dared approach the great wizard, for he held the great power to bring Dustin Diamond into the cast next season. The next day in the legendary Babe Hall, Scott did recruit the fair maiden Lindsay to run a love call-in show on the radio station. But the dumb ogre Tommy D did protest. “Lindsay is my property!” he exclaimed angrily. “She shall not run a call in show without me!” And so the two set off on a quest to bring cheesy love songs to the young lovers at Bayside. But all was not well with the maiden and the ogre, for Tommy D did not want to play the magical tunes of the great court musician Michael Bolton because all music on a radio station must be music he likes. The maiden and the ogre did bolt out of the radio booth just as their show is about to start, and we are confronted by the unfortunate fact that Weasel has lost his hearing for he could not hear them fight. Weasel did not know what to do, so he cleverly invented himself into the apothecary of affection, Dr. Love, on the spot. The wench Jenny Turner was on the other line, desiring to put a curse on a boy who had used her to consummate a relationship with her older sister. Weasel did not know what to do, so he turned to the great book of The Brady Bunch for sage advice and told the wench about a situation between the mythical sisters Jan and Marsha Brady, whom legend had it once fought over a young sire before fading into obscurity.
Scott doth think that Dr. Love is a stupid idea until the magical line orbs on the telephone all appear in full illumination, indicating that the apothecary has clients waiting to be seen.
The maiden, the ogre, the wench, and the cowardly lion then came outside the radio station, all wanting to know the secret identity of Dr. Love. Because young Scott wanted the doctor for a private appointment, he put his hand over the apothecary’s mouth to prevent him from telling, but he forgot his chloroform today so he’ll have to find another way of kidnapping him.
“You must never tell you are the apothecary,” Scott did tell Weasel, “for, on the day you tell, you will surely die, or at least lose your listeners.”
In Babe Hall, the wench did attack Weasel, demanding to know whether the apothecary has a big penis. Weasel did resist her advances, for his heart belongs to the bitch Megan. But, because Megan is Lady Not-Appearing-In-This-Episode, Weasel doth consider the possibility of getting it on the wench.
The wench then used her magic of flattery on the apothecary, sending him into a dream-like state.And it is truly magic, for in the trance, the apothecary hath been transformed into…gay Superman? The wench’s spell did tempt the apothecary with visions of hot women fawning over his pillowed muscles, but Scott, seeing his love in distress, did come to his aid and, through the magic of slapping, break the spell on Weasel.
At the radio station, the apothecary did advise the cowardly lion to ask out the object of her affections. But then the apothecary is tempted by young Scott to use his powers for evil to break up the maiden and the ogre, urging him to demand an apology from the maiden for her terrible crime of playing bad early nineties light rock.
But then the wench did appear on the line, trying to enchant the apothecary with her magical powers. Scott, sensing the wench’s advances, did hang up on her, sending the apothecary into a depressed state.
At the fortress of never eaten hamburgers, the wench, the maiden, and the cowardly lion are swooning over Dr. Love. The cowardly lion then revealed that the object of her affections is Scott, and Scott, to make it appear the apothecary’s power is greater than it is, did accept her invitation to a date at the moving pictures establishment. And, by coincidence, the ogre is also taking the maiden there, as is the apothecary taking the wench, whom he delivered a note of appreciation.
Though this past Friday in our last stunning tale of bravery on Saved by the Bell, we did see the set designers use a convincing movie theater set, this week we see the effects of the dreaded budget cutbacks as vandals did raid the moving picture house and steal the comfy chairs, thus forcing the proprietors of this fine establishment to use folding chairs to save money.
The ogre did appear with the maiden demanding an apology for her taste in music, and the maiden did tellleth him to fuck offeth. And the cowardly lion did squeeze young Scott so hard his intestines did relocate to his head.Then, the apothecary did appear disguised as Vladimir Lenin, Secret Agent, and he finds the wench, who does not recognize him as the only student of the school with a bad afro.
There commences lots of waste of time as the ogre doth pursue the apothecary as he purchases popcorn in the theater market, all in hopes of beating the crap out of him, and young Scott, not wanting his dream date to have his face smashed in, diverts the ogre’s attention.The apothecary doth return with the popcorn and commences to convince the wench that Weasel is a sexy and fuckable sire. The wench doth laugh to see such sport, however, and the young Weasel ran away far too soon. And the audience doth halfheartedly aww-eth.
At The Max the next day, the apothecary is nowhere to be found, and women with no mind of their own as to how to form a congenial courtship doth pursue Scott demanding that he produce Dr. Love. Everyone doth want the apothecary back on the air, including the great wizard, who has pursued Scott in the great off campus to demand the apothecary be put back on the air.
Weasel walketh into The Max and Scott asks him where he’s been because he has a present in his pants for him and he needs him on the air for a steamy radio broadcast. Weasel replies that he is not a true apothecary and, henceforth, will not put on pretenses of being one.
At the station, Scott is trying to become a doctor of philosophy by putting on pretenses of being Professor Amore, which he apparently believes to be a German name by his accent. The wench, the ogre, and the maiden doth desire an appointment with the true apothecary, though, and Weasel walks into the studio prepared for a final broadcast. The apothecary reveals that he is truly Weasel, which horrifies the wench, the maiden, and the ogre, but especially the wench..
Weasel doth tell the listeners to follow their hearts and love will find a way and other clichés.And Weasel’s speech doth move the girls of the Babe Hall to consider him a fuckable stud muffin, which the writer of this blog doth bet will not be mentioned again after this episode, just like young Weasel’s brief football career. Poor Scott is dejected that he has lost his Weasel once again, and even more dejected that the great wizard has commanded him to leave Babe Hall so he can co-host a radio show with the wizard. Alas, no more staring lustfully at Weasel in Babe Hall for Scott.