Real life got busy so I’ve got a couple of these Roar Comics reviews to catch up on. First is Issue #3.
Our cover is Screech playing Superman. Behind him, Zack Morris and Slater have grown tall with the assistance of Rita Repulsa’s magic wand and are dressed as the Hamburglar to boot. Kevin is in between them, leading me to believe that all three are preparing to have their way with ‘ole Screech. Our story this month is called “Screech ‘Super’ Powers” and we open with Screech putting up a banner for homecoming while Mr. Belding watches from below. As usual, Screech believes that he is invaluable to Mr. Belding, but Mr. Belding tells him that he’s the only kid free on a Friday night, which I find highly unlikely. I’m sure Alan is around somewhere.Oh and it appears Mr. Belding is high, which would explain a lot about his mannerisms from the eleven years he was a part of the Saved by the Bell franchise.So a masked man with a knife approaches me demanding my wallet. My first reaction is not going to be to ask whether they’re from the ski club or not. Wait, why does Bayside have a ski club? They’re in Southern California! I doubt there is much snow there!
Which makes me wonder how this guy got in to the school. I can tell you from first hand experience that, after the high profile school shootings of the last few years, there is a lot of security now. In our school district, you can’t even get in the door unless you’re buzzed in or you have a key card and the security code. So, yeah, this guy shouldn’t even be there.
Mr. Belding keeps pissing off the guy with a knife by asking if he can keep his driver’s license. Yeah, that’s exactly the thing to be worried about when a masked man has a knife aimed at you.
Screech, meanwhile, is completely oblivious to what is going on just a few feet below him. He loses his balance on the ladder and I’ll give you three guesses what happens.Yeah, he falls on the mugger. If you didn’t see that coming, you don’t watch near enough of this franchise.
The police come and arrest the mugger and Mr. Belding declares Screech a hero because Screech saved his life. Yeah, your life wouldn’t be in danger if you’d given the mugger your wallet and, I don’t know, NOT PISSED HIM OFF!
At school the next day, Screech’s “save” of Mr. Belding is all anyone can talk about. Zack Morris is jealous that, for a second issue in a row, the writers are focusing on a character other than him, so he tries to insert himself as a brave person too, as does Slater, but no one gives a rat’s ass. Slater tries to show off to Jessie and, yeah…
I had to look up what Krav Maga even was. Apparently it’s a self-defense system developed by the Israeli military. Yeah, could they have picked something more obscure here? Apparently Jessie is also strong enough to pick Slater up off the ground and bend his body in ways it wasn’t designed to be bent.
Lisa gives Screech a mild compliment, which immediately gives him a hard-on and leads him to the conclusion that he might be able to fuck her if he further impresses her. So, at The Max, Screech introduces his new persona of “Super Powers,” a super hero who wears short athletic shorts, a t-shirt, and a cape.Oh, and Kevin is there too, though I don’t know why Zack Morris even bothers saying he doesn’t recognize Kevin since he’s not disguised at all. Lisa tries to sneak out and Kevin attempts to molest her. She, for some reason, believes Screech’s plan to be idiotic, which depresses Screech and convinces him that he needs to rid Bayside of all crime because the comic needed a plot.
Screech starts harassing random people including a security guard, a girl who may be Jessie who got a B+ instead of an A, a jaywalker, and a random jock who failed to recycle. These are hardened criminals alright. Remember, he’s doing this all to impress Lisa. And we see that the sign he was hanging at the beginning is outside the school, which explains how the mugger got Mr. Belding even though there was no indication previously that they were outside.
The gang’s all worried Screech is going to piss someone off and get hurt so Zack Morris agrees to talk to him, and tells him to cut this stupid shit out.
I guess the health inspector hasn’t been there in a while.
Zack Morris decides Screech won’t stop until he stops a real criminal. Jessie’s like, “Screech can’t handle an actual criminal who has weapons and stuff.” Zack Morris says he has a plan, and Slater volunteers to help despite the fact he doesn’t know what the plan is yet.Sweet mother of Jesus…Zack Morris’s plan is to dress up like Vanilla Ice while Slater dresses up like Fabio? Wow…just wow…
But yeah, Zack Morris and Slater pretend to snatch Kelly’s purse while Screech and Kevin are watching. Screech is all, “I have to take my allergy medication before I can fight crime” and goes back in the school. So he’ll fight a poodle and a jaywalker, but not Vanilla Ice and Fabio?
Zack Morris changes the plan and sends Kelly inside with word that she heard the purse snatchers say they were going to an address later. And we cut to a dark alley with lots of graffiti on the walls, including a mouse’s head, which is apparently a gang sign in the Saved by the Bell universe. Zack Morris purposely picked the hood of LA so Screech wouldn’t question their legitimacy, but real gangsters roll up and want to know why Vanilla Ice and Fabio are encroaching on their territory.
Zack Morris and Slater are about to get the crap beaten out of them when Screech rolls up in his superhero costume. Screech is all, “Your disguises are so horrible I recognized it was you right away,” and, in a fit of stupidity, demands an explanation for what’s going on despite the fact there are some rather large individuals preparing to beat the crap out of the three of them.
The thugs wait patiently while Zack Morris explains to Screech how they were trying to help him. Screech pushes a button on Kevin which appears to start a self-destruct sequence, and one of the thugs declares that the “kid in spandex” is bat shit crazy. If they’re referring to Screech, they’re right, but what spandex? He’s wearing a t-shirt and athletic shorts. There’s no spandex there.The three escape into a nearby cab that Kevin is somehow driving despite the fact that a couple panels earlier he was attacking the thugs. There’s just something wrong with a robot who has no opposable thumbs trying to drive a car.
Back at The Max, Screech admits he didn’t actually save Mr. Belding but that it was all a freak accident, and he admits that the entire Super Powers thing was his latest scheme to get it on with Lisa. And we end with Screech declaring that Kevin is hella pissed off at Zack Morris and Slater because they didn’t tip him for the cab ride. Yeah…