The New Class Season 1, Episode 6: “George Washington Kissed Here”

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h09m36s180 We open with some crap from Scott about how drama club is only for dorks just as, you guess it, some stereotypical nerds come running out to sign up.  The writers do realize they’re asking these actors to make fun of themselves in this, right?vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h10m04s227 Weasel signs up declaring how theater is his life, just like being a football manager was his life, or being the engineer at the school radio station. This is his newest life, though, since he apparently played both Dopey and the Princess in a presentation of Snow White. Disturbing.

Scott is feeling smug that he’s correctly identified the demographic of people who enjoy theater when Lindsay comes out and signs up, declaring she needs a way to express herself besides all the other things she does. And Tommy D is behind her moping about how blah blah blah theater is for geeks, prompting Scott to sniff out an opportunity and sign up.

In a great comedy of errors, Vicki sees Scott signing up for the drama club so she signs up as well because she wants to see Scott in tights. Megan’s face says it all.

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h48m20s83Tommy D has apparently become Mr. Belding’s private mechanic because he calls Tommy D to the office asking him to look at his car again. I haven’t commented on it much but this is turning into a recurring thing. Isn’t there something kind of illegal about taking students out of classes to work on your personal vehicle?

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h11m51s24 Apparently Mr. Belding’s ’75 Chevette leaked oil all over Mr. Belding’s hands so he needs Tommy D to fix it.

So, to recap, a bunch of people are signing up for Drama Club and Tommy D is fixing Mr. Belding’s car. Exciting stuff. Maybe Miss Simpson will liven things up by coming out and giving Scott a random lap dance.

In walks the nerds followed by Lindsay and Scott, who are distraught because the producers didn’t want to fork out the money to get the actor who played Mr. Bainbridge back so there’s no one to direct the school play, a historical pageant. Mr. Belding is all, “No worries, kids! I’m an all around renaissance man for roles on this show we have no one else to play!”

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h57m56s22At try outs, Milton is reading for the part of Thomas Jefferson while Weasel is reading for the part of Benjamin Franklin, and Weasel puts a literal Looney Tunes light bulb above Milton’s head to emphasize…Milton is light on his feet? I don’t know.

Next there’s a really boring audition with Lindsay playing Martha Washington and Vicki playing Betsy Ross. And proving that The New Class writers also wrote this fake play, every line they read is expository about Revolutionary War facts.

Scott tells Mr. Belding that his play is boring as shit and that he needs to play to the MTV generation, to which Mr. Belding declares he never misses an episode of Beavis and Butt-head and proceeds to do the most disturbing impression of Butt-head I’ve ever seen in my life.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h14m50s14Scott makes some changes to the script that naturally lead to a scene being written in where he makes out with Lindsay on-stage just as Tommy D walks in. Mr. Belding interrupts them before Scott can get to first base, about to declare that the changes are even more dumb than the original stupid script, but everyone else likes them so he gives in to high school student pressure.

In the next scene, Mr. Belding already has the cast list out. Weasel was cast as Benjamin Franklin while Megan was cast as “Mrs. Franklin.”  In case you’re wondering who the historical Mrs. Franklin was, her name was Deborah Read Franklin and she suffered a number of unfortunate strokes that lead to slurred her speech and degenerated her memory. Oh, and she died two years before her husband signed the Declaration of Independence. But I don’t expect anyone connected with this show to bother to take the five minutes to look up historical facts in an encyclopedia.

Scott has been cast as George Washington and thinks Lindsay is his Martha Washington, but she already knew that she was going to have the role and Tommy D convinced her to give it to Vicki instead, because cast members of a play can totally trade roles at their own whims without the approval of the director.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h17m24s16At The Max, Weasel is doing his best Donald Duck impersonation and offers to help Scott with his love scenes. The hell? Did Weasel just make a pass at Scott?

Scott decides he needs to convince Vicki that kissing him will give her the dreaded “Bolivian guacamole” disease which, since Vicki is both a dumb shit and a hypochondriac, freaks her the hell out.

At rehearsal, Vicki still shows up to play Martha Washington. Somehow school nurses in this universe are qualified to give vaccines for fake diseases so Vicki convinced the nurse to give her a vaccine for Bolivian guacamole disease.

Weasel comes in and tells Scott he found out Franklin was a ladies’ man. The hell? They took the time to find out Franklin was an adulterer and womanizer but they couldn’t take the time to find out his wife died two years before the events of this play? Anyway, this gives Scott an idea and he convinces Mr. Belding there needs to be a love triangle between George, Ben, and Martha, because, since we’re throwing out any semblance of historical accuracy anyway, might as well go all out.

The thought of kissing Weasel naturally makes Vicki throw up a little so she instantly decides to trade roles with Lindsay…again…because, once again, you can totally do that in a play!

So this leads to a scene at Lindsay’s house involving Scott and Lindsay practicing their lines. Proving once again that Saved by the Bell audiences are the most easily pleased people in the world, Lindsay gives Scott a shoulder massage and they fucking go nuts. Of course, I’m more distracted by the gay pride pound cake on the wall behind them.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h21m22s90Tommy D barges into Lindsay’s room during the back rub and threatens to rearrange Scott’s face. Proving yet again that Lindsay is the only person who doesn’t see how much of a dick Scott is, she, at Scott’s insistence, pulls the “Why don’t you trust me?” card and Tommy D leaves.

Apparently Tommy D and Weasel passed each other in the hallway without even acknowledging one another because Weasel comes in next to practice his scenes  with Lindsay. Lindsay tells Scott to get the hell out because it’s time for another creeper to have a go.

Oh, and there’s this.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h22m38s104

Next scene, Tommy D manipulates Mr. Belding into writing him into the play so he can keep Scott away from his property. Yeah, that’s really all that happens besides a brief schizophrenic scene of Mr. Belding practicing all the lines alone on stage.

So it’s another rehearsal and Scott is about to kiss Lindsay when Tommy D breaks in playing one of George Washington’s soldiers to interrupt them. Scott is hella pissed that Tommy D is cock blocking him from kissing Tommy D’s girl.

After a commercial break, Lindsay is pissed that Tommy D is preventing Scott from kissing her and thinks he’s a selfish jack ass.

Meanwhile, Scott and Weasel conspire to put dry ice under the hood of Mr. Belding’s car in the hopes he’ll think something is wrong with it and get Tommy D to go fix it. Scott asks Weasel if he’s sure it’ll work and Weasel replies, “Positive-o-mundo.” Where the hell did the writers get their slang from?

vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h26m23s32

There’s a quick pointless gag about Weasel dropping the lid under the lockers, which are a foot off the ground so there should be no problem retrieving it, all the while trying to keep Mr. Belding from seeing the dry ice. In other words, lots of time wasting. vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h27m55s177So it’s the moment no one’s been waiting for: the play. Weasel and Megan’s scene is pointless and involves Ben Franklin’s dead wife bickering about Franklin’s inventions and propensity to think up all his Poor Richard’s Almanac proverbs in one sitting. And there’s a light bulb again. But the audience goes fucking nuts about it, which leads me to one conclusion: they’re all high. That’s the only way they could like this, improvised character shtick and all.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h28m23s144Then we have an equally pointless scene involving Vicki as Betsy Ross once again trying to kiss Scott, and the audience loves it, meaning they must have lit up another joint.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h29m06s114Tommy D is waiting backstage to tell Scott he better back up off his property, and Scott’s all, “Bitch, I’m going to get me some Lindsay poon tonight!” Megan is inexplicably hiding behind the curtain and chews Tommy D out for wanting to punch a jerk who’s trying to steal his girl.

Mr. Belding rushes in begging Tommy D to go check on his precious car, Tommy D apologizes to Lindsay and goes off to look at said car, Lindsay runs after Tommy D despite the fact she’s due on stage momentarily. Yeah, this is a really boring episode.
vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h31m03s11Scott comes out and prepares to kiss Lindsay but discovers that, somehow, Vicki has changed from a Betsy Ross outfit to a Martha Washington outfit in a matter of minutes. She kisses Scott, the audience loses their shit, everyone comes out revealing that Lindsay changed into a soldier in a matter of minutes, Tommy D tells us that the dry ice has been removed and he and Lindsay patched things up…on stage…during the play…in front of the audience. Yeah, this is really how quick they’re trying to wrap up all the threads of this episode.vlcsnap-2014-05-05-18h32m01s65They sing a horrible song for Mr. Belding to the tune of “Yankee Doodle:”

Mr. Belding went to town riding in a Chevy

Smoke came out beneath his hood and made his heart feel heavy.

Mr. Belding, it’s ok, Tommy will protect her.

Even if your car’s in heat, you’re still a great director!

They do realize that last line has a different implication, right?

Oh, and only our seven main characters apparently deserve a curtain call, because all the extras conveniently disappear, leaving our characters alone on stage bowing as the credits come on.

The hell did I just watch? It was like Saved by the Bell with ADD.

2 responses to “The New Class Season 1, Episode 6: “George Washington Kissed Here”

  1. Even after reading your great review I still had to go WTF with what happened in this episode.

  2. This episode sounds like it sucks balls.

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