We open at a school assembly being held in the gym, and all the students are sitting in metal folding chairs. Boy, the producers were really going all out for sets on this show. I thought the sets on the original series were bad but this is just pathetic. And what’s this important assembly announcing? Why, the candidates for homecoming king and queen of course! After all, that’s such a prestigious honor it requires an assembly of the entire school, or at least of all the regulars and as many extras as they could gather together. Mr. Belding asks Weasel for the suitcase with the nominations in it. I have no idea why Weasel has this or what it’s doing in a suitcase but I’m learning not to question things on this show. It only gives me a headache.
The nominees for homecoming queen are Lindsay and that slut Christie Lovejoy, whom we won’t see again in this episode.And Tommy D apparently thinks he is a nominee for homecoming queen. After all, he stands up when the names are announced. He quickly realizes his mistake, though, and tries to play it off as being happy for Lindsay.
For homecoming king, the first nominee is Pervis Beetlebaum, whom we also won’t see again in this episode but was apparently named after a cross between Beetle Bailey and a new brand of lip ointment. The other nominee is Chad Westerfield, who we’ll unfortunately be seeing a lot of in this episode. Chad immediately begins trying to charm everyone, starting with our female regulars, insinuating he would fuck any one of them. He’s so transparently fake it’s any wonder why this plot has to happen at all. I wonder who played this douche canoe. Couldn’t be anyone of note. Let’s look at IMDB.
You’re kidding me, right? Please tell me you’re fucking kidding me. James Marsden, Cyclops in the X-Men films, played this idiot? How could someone famous and successful have gotten his start on this show? Isn’t putting this show on your resume an automatic career killer? My mind is blown. I’m okay with people getting their start in the original series, but THIS abomination? Jesus….
Anyway, we’re on to our other subplot of the episode: Lindsay’s mom not liking Tommy D. Lindsay’s all, “Tommy D, you just need to get to know my mother better. She’ll really like you once she realizes you have a trait or two different from Slater.”We cut to Lindsay’s room where, instead of making sweet passionate love, Tommy D and Lindsay are insulting the people of France through Tommy D’s horrible and insulting fake French accent, which is apparently required to speak French.
Lindsay’s mom walks in and Tommy D immediately insults her by calling her a “tres grande womano.” She says excuse me, which could mean she’s confused by his insulting attempt to speak broken French, but Lindsay says it’s because he called her a very big…womano. Also, Tommy D ate an entire chocolate cake that Lindsay’s mom had baked for desert. Is he the Alan of this series?After Tommy D leaves, Lindsay’s mom sits Lindsay down for a heart to heart about that not so fresh feeling women get. She also mentions something about falling behind in her advanced classes and the fact that being with her boyfriend every minute might not be the healthiest thing in the world. And I actually was liking Lindsay’s mom up until the point she tells Lindsay she’s too young to only be with one boy and should be more promiscuous. Yeah, that’ll solve all her problems.At The Max, Chad is practically giving blow jobs to Milton, Kirby, and Weasel in exchange for their votes. Milton has high expectations and wanted to take Julia Roberts to the homecoming dance because Julia Roberts totally takes random high school clichés to dances. Weasel is showing his desperation like usual, and there’s a moment where Kirby, Milton, and Weasel all stare creepily at Megan as they imagine what it would be like to feel the touch of a woman. Chad says that he might ask Megan to the dance and, as he walks away, the three practically bow down at his feet and worship him as their new idol.
We then see Chad with some more random extras, where he explains that he’s only hanging around these losers to get votes, just in case you didn’t see through the transparency of this plot. Oh, and Chad thinks that homecoming king will look impressive on his high school record because ivy league schools always admit the homecoming king automatically. Fuck SATs scores and grades!
Weasel relays Chad’s interest in Megan, who gives the worst half-hearted giving a damn performance I’ve seen an actor do in this franchise yet.
The rest of the gang comes in and Tommy D is upset that Lindsay is going to date other guys. She insists that he’s the only one she truly wants inside of her but that she’s going to have to let other men have a go at her to satisfy her mom’s controlling whims.
Vicki gets the idea for Lindsay to only pretend to fuck someone else but to let Tommy D pinch hit at the last minute, and Scott is more than willing to volunteer for the job. Tommy D asks Scott whether he can trust him, apparently forgetting the events of the previous six episodes.
We cut to our new favorite movie theater with the folding chairs, and Scott is kissing up to Lindsay in an effort to get in her pants. Between this and a cut to The Max, we realize that Scott misled Tommy D on where they would be so that he could do the nasty with Lindsay, and this surprises absolutely no one. Just as Lindsay and Scott are about to kiss, Tommy D appears as the Great Gazoo and reminds Scott of his promise to be trustworthy. For the first time in this show, Scott feels guilty over something and decides to rush Lindsay back to The Max so that he can hopefully get a threesome going with Tommy D.Mr. Belding enters The Max with Lindsay’s mom and some other random adults whom are all supposed to be chaperons for the dance. Mr. Belding has brought them all here to treat them to coffee and waffles in appreciation for chaperoning the dance they haven’t chaperoned yet, because nothing spells appreciation for something you haven’t done yet like coffees and waffles at the place your kids hang out. We also get some throwaway lines about how Mr. Belding went to school with Lindsay’s mom and voted for her the year she became homecoming queen. Yeah, they’re apparently trying to go for the overbearing mother who wants a daughter just like her even though this goes absolutely nowhere the rest of the episode.
Scott and Lindsay rush into The Max and feign the worst surprise ever when they see Lindsay’s mom. Tommy D comes out with tunnel vision focused on the fact that he realizes Scott was trying to get in Lindsay’s pants, and he completely spills the plan for pinch hitting because he doesn’t bother to look two feet to his right. Lindsay’s mom is pissed off that Lindsay lied to her, so naturally her solution is to continue to be an overbearing bitch and forbid Lindsay from going to the dance with Tommy D. Lindsay declares that her mom is an idiot and that if she can’t go with Tommy D she’s just not going, which is actually quite reasonable.
Back at Bayside, Weasel is acting uncharacteristically nonchalant about the possibility of Chad asking Megan to the dance, almost even acting happy for her, or as good of acting as this actor is capable of. Chad comes up and is about to ask Megan when Vicki interrupts them to report the plot we just saw in the last scene. Chad smells rebound sex and leaves to plot his fucking of Lindsay.
Meanwhile, Scott and Tommy D come in. Scott sits on top of a garbage can because it’s where he most feels at home as Tommy D tells him that Lindsay’s going to be homecoming queen and not even be there because that slut Christie Lovejoy can’t possibly win. Tommy D goes over and tells Lindsay that they should see other people and Lindsay just gives an unenthusiastic, uninspired, “If that’s how you feel.” Scott declares that he now knows what the “D” stands for. Um, I thought we established a couple episodes ago it was “De Luca” because that’s his last name. But Scott declares it means “decent dude,” because…I got nothing. I wish they would stop making puns about Tommy D’s last name. It’s getting really old. Meanwhile, because everything in Bayside High revolves around what’s going on in this episode, Chad comes in and interrupts the class to read a poem to the girl he’s going to ask to the dance. Of course, as the poem is read, Megan is convinced it’s going to be her because it has such inspired lyrics.
There is a man who would be king,
Who searched round every corner,
To find the girl who’d make him sing,
Now he’s found her, Lindsay Warner.
Truly an inspired piece of literature ranking up there with the sonnets of Shakespeare and the odes of Keats.
Megan runs out crushed, and Weasel is there to swoop in and comfort her. He asks her to the dance and, since everyone else is breaking character during this episode, she accepts.Meanwhile, Scott and Vicki have hatched a plan to elect Tommy D homecoming king, because that will apparently solve the subplot with Mrs. Warner. It involves Scott taking one of the regular female nerds of the series, Claire, to the dance and really kissing her and her friends’ asses so that they will write in Tommy D. And, since no one in this universe has any semblance of reason, they don’t see through it. Vicki’s role involves taking Meat to the dance, who is busy devouring a cupcake since his thing is eating. Maybe he’s actually Alan! By buttering Meat up she successfully secures the dumb jock vote.Weasel gets Mr. Belding out of his office on the pretense that someone has dumped detergent in the swimming pool because that’s a believable thing in the Saved by the Bell universe. Scott and Chad come in, and Scott tells Chad that he’s worried Tommy D will be elected. Chad is all, “Tommy D’s a dumb jock while I’m…a dumb womanizing douche! Douches rule jocks any day!” Scott turns on the microphone for the PA system as Chad insults every clique at Bayside.And every clique at Bayside reacts completely logically by throwing paper at the PA speaker. Check out #65 in the foreground there who’s all, “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?”Scott takes one more pot shot at Chad by taking a page from the Zack Morris book and putting a conveniently pre-printed, “I’m a Jerk” sign on Chad’s back because he just happened to have those in case he ever needed to use them.
Thank god it’s finally time to show this dance rather than just keep talking about it, and things are getting crazy up in this bitch as the random muzak that plays at every Bayside dance is in full swing! And, wouldn’t you know it, we’re starting off with Mr. Belding and Weasel showing off their dance moves.
Claire is quite literally dancing on Scott’s feet. I love her pink Chuck Taylors here but I have to ask: when were these “geekish” things? As far as I know, Chuck Taylors have always been a hipster thing.Meat has some meat in hand and some cole slaw in his pants that he promptly offers Lindsay a bite of. That sentence is wrong on so many levels.
Meanwhile, Lindsay apparently went deaf when Chad insulted the whole school earlier because neither one of them seem to have any idea why everyone else is glaring at Chad.
And finally it’s time to find out the results of the homecoming election. The winner of homecoming queen is a write in candidate, Megan. Scott asks how this could possibly have happened and Kirby tells him that Megan went to the dance with a geek and they all want to fuck her, so all the geeks voted for her. So…why didn’t they vote for Scott for homecoming king using that logic?
Megan tells Lindsay she’s sorry Lindsay lost and Lindsay tells Megan that, if she had to lose, she’s glad it was to Megan, which is a hell of a lot nicer than how Megan and Vicki acted when they lost to Lindsay a few episodes ago.Of course, Tommy D wins homecoming king and…what the hell is he wearing? Weasel is supposed to be the nerd but does Tommy D really feel this is appropriate dance attire?
Chad calls Tommy D a loser and Lindsay tell Chad to fuck off because Tommy D is a good lay.
Tommy D says he doesn’t want to be homecoming king if Lindsay can’t be his queen and Mr. Belding declares Chad the winner because the producers didn’t want to give Pervis Beetlebaum any lines.
Mr. Belding says it’s time for the traditional king and queen dance, but Megan breaks tradition because she ain’t nobody’s rebound fuck! She shows Chad up by dancing with Weasel instead. *snap* *snap* And what do you want to bet that Weasel and Megan are back in their usual adversarial relationship next week?
Lindsay’s mom says she was wrong about Tommy D and that she wants a piece of that hot flannel clad piece of ass now.
Even though it hasn’t been mentioned the rest of the episode that Vicki still wants Scott’s hot man chowder, Scott cuts in on Vicki and Meat and gives Vicki the time of her life. Mr. Belding gets it on with Lindsay’s mom, and Chad gets his comeuppance in the form of Meat spilling punch on his white jacket, because dry cleaning is apparently a sufficient punishment for how much of an asshole he was the whole episode. I guess this is why Cyclops was driven from society and became a part of the X-Men: to get revenge on Bayside for his dry cleaning bill.
Firsts: Claire, Scott isn’t an asshole.