Monthly Archives: June 2014

The New Class Season 1, Episode 12: “Tommy A”

Have I really only done eleven of these episodes before this week? As much torture as it’s been, I feel like I should be at least half way through the series. Oh well, let’s see what torture the writers have in store for me this week.

Oh, yay, Weasel is obsessing about mid-year finals. What the hell are those supposed to be anyway? They’ve used the term “mid-term” lots of times in the original series but the only thing I can figure is that these are finals occurring after the end of the first semester.

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And what is Scott’s stick this week you ask? Why, because he’s apparently completely forgot about both Ashley and Rachel because they wouldn’t put out, he’s now after Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, I’m sorry, he said Muffy. Of course he did, because Sarah Michelle Gellar would be a hell of a lot more interesting right now. Oh, Muffy is just some random Clueless rip off: the classic stereotypical blonde bimbo. And she’s also only willing to date fifteen year old boys if they’re willing to drive without a license.

Meanwhile, Megan and Vicki are whining about how they have to ride the school bus like the common people.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h50m20s64

Oh and Milton somehow got his retainer stuck to Megan’s dress via chewing gum. Sexy.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h50m56s145

And Megan has a crush on a boy named Eric that I’m sure won’t have anything to do with any of the rest of the episode.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h51m41s32

Meanwhile, the state of California has seen fit to allow Tommy D to drive on the road and we are informed through the power of exposition that Tommy D’s sixteenth birthday is exactly three weeks from today, upon which occasion Tommy D’s father will buy him a car. Of course, as is usual in the Saved by the Bell universe, the gang only cares insofar as it benefits each of them. Scott’s imagining fucking Muffy in the back of Tommy D’s car, Vicki wants a ride to school, and Megan is still thinking about Milton’s retainer.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h52m08s113

And meet Mr. Snavely, who will be playing an English teacher for exactly one episode, which is weird since we already know the kids have Miss Simpson for English. Did they all flunk a year of English so they have to take two periods of it a day? Really, who is this interloper who’s trespassing on the sweet insanity that is Miss Simpson? Oh, and Mr. Snavely talks like a bad stereotype of a Shakespearean actor.

Well, for some reason the English “mid-year final” is on…public speaking? What the hell? You might have to do some public speaking for an English class project but it’s not going to be a major portion of your grade! I dare say my public speaking professor in college would have been insulted to be lumped in with the English department. What strange dimension do these characters exist in?

Megan decides to show off and answer lots of questions hoping to impress Eric. Turns out Eric hates girls who know things because all men in the Saved by the Bell universe are misogynistic assholes.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h55m12s142

Meanwhile, Tommy D is doing a bad job of pretending like he’s looking at this magazine. Mr. Snavely tries to answer a question and he’s just like, “Duh, question hurt Tommy D’s mind!”

At The Max, Megan bemoans the fact that Eric doesn’t want to get his dick wet in her. And the gang continue obsessing over Tommy D’s car.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h57m11s69

Yes, it’s time for a dream sequence in which everyone is piled in the same car. This car has to have one of the biggest back seats I’ve ever seen. Hopefully it’ll be big enough for Scott to fuck Muffy. Meanwhile, the way the camera was moving I seriously thought I was looking at a Back to the Future II hover car for a second. Actually, it might be since they all decide to drive to Hawaii.
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Oh and Eric is jogging by the car, now in love with Megan because she’s decided to sit in the same back seat as Scott and Muffy while they get it on instead of studying.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h58m45s238

The next day at school, Megan has decided that getting laid is more important than appearing to be intelligent so she’s now a dumb Clueless girl that Eric can really fall in love with.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-14h59m42s59

Meanwhile in Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding has been recast! Oh, wait, no. It’s Tommy D’s dad. But the way he’s just thrust on us in Mr. Belding’s office without Mr. Belding even being visible in the shot is very awkward. Oh, and, if he looks familiar, that’s because he’s Uncle Jesse’s father from Full House. Anyway, he’s there because the school sent a letter home warning that Tommy D might flunk every course except Gym. As a result, if Tommy D doesn’t get an A on at least one “mid-year final” he won’t get the car. I smell a plot rearing its fin!

At The Max, everyone is determined to meddle in De Luca family matters. Based on an off the cuff remark about cars, the gang decide that Physics is Tommy D’s best chance for an A because if you know one thing it makes complete sense that you’ll know everything, right?

Megan starts tutoring Tommy D as Eric walks in when she instantly turns into Paris Hilton. vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h02m26s159

And Tommy D gives us he best surprised face his actor can muster up.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h03m10s21

At Tommy D’s house, the gang continue tutoring Tommy D in Physics. What I’m concerned about is…what matter of sorcery is this?!?! There are two Lindsay’s in the room! I must contact the Ghostbusters! There must be some way they can fight this evil specter and air up their tires all in one convenient trip!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h04m21s248

But the gang decide Tommy needs a little help and, since Mr. Everett, the Physics teacher, grades on a curve, they hatch a plan to sabotage the grades of Ron, Milton, and Kirby by convincing them not to study. Instead, they say that Weasel will cough and sneeze the answers to them because apparently it’s possible to have a Physics test that’s entirely true and false questions. Proving once again that the nerds at Bayside during this series are nothing like my precious Edgar, these idiot nerds fall for it.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h05m05s190

Meanwhile, Megan’s still acting like an airhead and Eric tells jokes that are hella lame. NEXT!vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h05m53s138

Mr. Belding tries to give Tommy D a pep talk since what will he do if his personal mechanic flunks out of school?
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And here’s Mr. Everett, who appears to be Milton’s father. He’s also a complete idiot because he doesn’t react at all to all the fake coughing and sneezing and all the talking gong on DURING THE FUCKING TEST! Yes, that’s the plan Scott and Weasel cough while Lindsay and Vicki sneeze and vice versa, thus confusing Ron, Milton, and Kirby and throwing off their answers.

And now it’s time for…the oral part of the Physics exam? Who the hell ever heard of a final in which a student got up in front of the class and explained something as part of her or his grade? But, yes, it’s happening my friends. Of course, it’s Tommy D at the front and he freezes up, leading to our main characters reacting in the same way I often react to this whole damned series.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h07m24s54

In the hallway, Ron and Milton confront the gang about the fake signals. Tommy D overhears and is hella pissed because everyone has the correct impression that he’s a moron. He tells them they might as well forget about their selfish ambitions for a car because they’re not going to happen because he’s an idiot.

At Tommy D’s house, Tommy D’s father and Lindsay give Tommy D a pep talk about keeping with something even when it’s difficult and how eventually he’ll only be slightly dumb instead of incredibly moronic. Tommy D says he still has the English final left so he’s determined to write the best speech he can.vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h10m02s86

At Bayside, the gang dress Weasel up like a bug killing Mario brother in order to convince Mr. Snavely to rush home and save his precious chrysanthemums from plant eating bugs. Since Mr. Snavely seems to have an unhealthy relationship with his flowers, he rushes out in the middle of the school day, leaving Mr. Belding to cover his class and his “mid-year final, which was the gang’s hope since Mr. Belding has inappropriate boundary issues with Tommy D and might go easier on him than Mr. Snavely would.
vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h12m06s67First up is Weasel, whose speech is a persuasive speech on why every girl at Bayside should fuck him. He even has business cards for conveniently contact him.

Next is Tommy D with a speech on why you should believe in yourself. The speech is on how Tommy D knows that, if he keeps working hard, he’ll eventually get an A and stop sucking. Despite Mr. Belding’s assurances that he would not play favorites and would be tough on Tommy D, he gives Tommy D an A for his speech that comes in at a whopping twenty-nine seconds, including a brief interruption by Weasel! Yeah, I took public speaking in college. Something tells me that is not an A speech. But, whatever, the plot demands it so it happens.

And there’s not any time for anyone else’s speech so I guess they’re all getting Fs.
vlcsnap-2014-06-20-15h14m54s207Eric is pissed that Tommy D is now smarter than he is and insults Tommy D, to which Megan tells Eric that he’s hella stupid and hella lame and hella not funny. She proceeds to stick her chewing gum on his nose, sending him a clear message that she doesn’t want to say goodbye a little longer. Eric is forced to look for a stupider girl because no one except our main characters are allowed to learn lessons. Yeah, that literally just came out of nowhere. This subplot may be the most underdeveloped for the series yet. Jennie B is right: it just keeps getting worse and worse.

And we end with the gang excited that they get to use Tommy D for his car after all!

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 8: “Miss Bayside”

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We open with a new set: the auditorium, where Zack Morris, for some reason, is spouting crap from the stage despite the fact he’s in no real position of authority.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h06m01s162

Solidarity, comrades!
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Everyone in the audience is ecstatic about the upcoming Miss Bayside pageant, including our four main characters who conveniently happen to be in the front row because that’s where it’s easiest for the camera man to shoot them.

Predictably, the only person in the school opposed to the beauty contest is Jessie, whose rantings of, “Girl power! I’m not a piece of meat! Mr. Belding out of my vagina!” continue into the next scene at The Max. Yeah, this is a running theme throughout this episode: Jessie blaming Mr. Belding personally for the beauty contest despite the fact it’s been established this is a statewide competition that Mr. Belding probably has little control over. Whatever, though, because it’s time for conflict! Jessie convinces Kelly to boycott the pageant and form a picket line with her and Kelly’s all, “Let’s make signs with pink and sparkles and glitter!”

Lisa’s all, “Fuck that shit! I want to be objectified!” After the girls leave, it’s time for a pointless bet between Zack Morris and Slater in which they bet $50 on whether Zack Morris can make anyone he backs win the MIss Bayside competition. Slater declares he gets to pick who Zack Morris’s contestant is and, suddenly, Slater picks out the most hideous girl in The Max to enter. Oh, wait, that’s Screech. Yeah, apparently the rules for this pageant are gender neutral because plot.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h09m06s215 At Screech’s house, Zack Morris tells Screech the plan about how he’s going to be the prettiest girl at Miss Bayside. vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h09m57s204

Oh, and Kevin is there, but his only purpose is to rehash plot points we just saw in the previous scene and to receive bad touches from Screech.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h10m23s228

Oh, and an intelligent robot has apparently been programmed with bad eye sight. Screech must be the worst robotic engineer in the world.
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Meanwhile, on the picket line, Jessie and Kelly try to get the twins to join them, but the twins are all, “Fuck that shit!” Zack Morris and Screech pass by on their way to Mr. Belding’s office, triggering Jessie’s meddling gene.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding doesn’t want to let Screech enter but Jessie barges in the office and demands that men be allowed to be objectified as much as women. Mr. Belding finally agrees on the condition that Jessie end the picket.

After the commercials, Slater convinces Jessie to enter the beauty pageant in order to show off her inner assets. Then, at The Max, he convinces Kelly to enter the pageant because Jessie completely compromised her contrived and exaggerated values.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h20m37s233

In the locker room, the girls are having cat fights, including Kelly throwing a towel at Jessie, which apparently belongs to Jessie. Number one, what was Kelly doing with Jessie’s towel to begin with? Number two, why do they need towels? It’s obvious they haven’t been showering or sweating. Why pretend if the crew can’t be bothered to even wet their hair?vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h21m16s125

And Lisa is all, “You bitches!” Just when I thought that there was going to be a cat fight, they decide to kiss and make up because they’re up against Screech…which makes no sense since their jealously at each other is not solved.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h22m16s216

For some reason, they’re having rehearsals for the talent competition, because it’s completely normal in a competition to show your hand and let your competitors know exactly what you will be doing. Anyway, first off is that whore Jennie Tyler, who sucks ass at tossing batons.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h22m51s55

Next is Lisa, who would be good on the violin if it was her actually playing and not a recording. And what is up with the random extras just sitting around on stage behind Lisa. If they want to watch rehearsals, wouldn’t the audience give them a better vantage point?

Next is…oh my god…vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h23m40s34

I had heard of this scene before seeing this episode, but I could never have imagined how unbelievably stupid it is. Jessie…curled up in a fake cocoon…vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h23m51s147

…and turning into a fake butterfly…

So what is Jessie’s talent? Interpretive dance? Storytelling? Stupidity? Yeah, if you really want to let your inner beauty show through, the talent competition is not the time for your psuedo-ultra feminist bullshit that in no way resembles anything a real feminist would do…
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Whatever, let’s get this shit over with. Kelly sings like William Hung. 
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And everybody is just so thankful this scene is over that they mistake Screech’s magic act for being good. He’s obviously been tutored by Max.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h26m26s153

Oh, but what’s this? Oh, more forced conflict as Slater enters the contest playing drums, because Slater apparently keeps a drum set at school just in case he’s ever called on to participate in an impromptu talent show! Oh, it would be dramatic if the ending wasn’t already obvious five minutes into the episode!vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h26m52s140

Oh, and it’s another contestant! Albert Einstein wants in on the action and his talent is staring! Oh, never mind, it’s just Screech’s room.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h27m39s119

And because we couldn’t just let Screech win without any more obviously forced and shoe horned in conflict, Kevin starts a robotic uprising under the pretense of “accidentally” giving Screech a black eye. Oh, no! Whatever will we do!

The obvious answer, of course, is for Zack Morris to go around Bayside and spread bull shit about Slater kicking Screech’s ass because that will make everyone hate Slater and have sympathy for Screech.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m00s162

It’s time for the beauty pageant and first up is the swim suit competition, featuring that whore Jennie Tyler.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m14s42

Kelly dons…is that a zipper in the front of her bathing suit? Who he hell designed this shit, Bozo the Clown?vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m37s25

Jessie’s all, “Keep your eyes to yourself you fucking perverts! I swim in a trench coat!” because Jessie enjoys the McGruff the Crime Dog look.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h30m06s53

So now it’s time for the guys. First up is Slater. Slater gets no applause, presumably because of the rumors going around about him but, if not for the last scene,  I would have thought it would be because he’s wearing…gym shorts? Really, has the costume department of this show ever been swimming?

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And the answer is apparently no, as Screech comes out dressed in this stylish one piece for men from 1915 and showing off his hot body and rippling man muscles and…oh god, I’m fixing to be sick! Of course, he gets all the applause because plot.

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Now it’s time for the finalists, Screech, Lisa, Kelly, and that whore Jennie Tyler, to answer questions. I won’t bore you with the details except to say that Screech declares that the student body should vote for one of the girls to be beauty queen since he couldn’t possibly win at the sate level. Because that’s totally how beauty pageants work: the audience decides the outcome.vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h33m19s177

Zack Morris is horrified because, for once, things might not work out for him. Jessie thinks Screech has a beautiful soul and wants to have his hideously deformed mutant babies. And Slater…is wearing a very bright tank top.

So now it’s time to decide the winner and…fuck it, I can’t even pretend like this episode could have gone any other way. There was no other way this was going to end. It could have been predicted five minutes into the episode!

Of course, Mr. Belding crowns himself Miss Bayside and steals a kiss with Zack Morris!
vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h34m34s172No, that would actually make this episode interesting. No, in the only possible outcome, Screech wins, Zack Morris tells Slater about the shit he started about him so that the episode doesn’t end with Zack Morris looking like a complete and total piece of shit, and Mr. Belding serenades Screech down the runway.

You know, for a twenty-three minute episode, not much happened in this episode. Seriously. But stay tuned next week for one of the episodes you guys have been dying to torture me with since I started this blog!

Firsts: The auditorium, Slater playing drums.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 11: “Weasel Love”

Yes, if there’s something we definitely needed more of, it’s Weasel episodes. Thank goodness the writers of this show saw fit to give us one more this season.

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So remember back in high school how the solution to everything was to hold a dance? Remember how even the orchestra held a dance as a fundraiser? Me either, which must be why the writers of this show thought it would make for a good plot.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h00m33s130

We open with…Kirby, Vicki, Lindsay, and Megan…in the middle of the hallway…playing their instruments. You know what, if this is the strangest thing that happens this episode, I won’t even question it. After all, these halls have sen a lot worse than a fake classical performance. I say fake because Vicki and Kirby stop playing in the middle of he piece to argue about Kirby hitting Vicki in ribs with his bow. The music keeps on playing without a beat lost as they’re advertising, indicating that Bayside was getting in on the Milli Vanilli style. And, through the power of exposition, Lindsay tells us that the purpose of the fund raiser is to get enough money to buy a new psychic piano for the orchestra.

Scott and Tommy D, meanwhile, think that the telekinetic musical performance is hella lame because Lindsay keeps hitting them up for tickets and Kirby keeps poking them with his stick. They should be happy they’re finally getting some from somebody. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h01m47s117

Mr. Belding comes up and is excited at the fact that the LA Music Society will be at the orchestra’s performance because apparently a piano is the only thing standing between them sucking or not sucking. Why should they be excited? Why, because the LA Music Society might give Bayside’s orchestra a free trip to New York to participate in the “orchestra festival.”

Yeah, off it, Mr. Belding, you really want to go for hookers, blow, and to see Bayside: The Musical performed.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h02m06s51

Weasel comes rushing up with a long stack of paper that he says is a computer message from his pen-pal, Natalie. Yeah, the writers apparently couldn’t be bothered to do ten minutes of research and find out this is not how e-mail has ever worked. Anyway, Natalie has decided to move there from Seattle and go to Bayside because plot convenience. And, in the next scene at The Max, we’re reminded of all this all over again because he writers think everyone who bothers to watch this show has short term memory loss. Plus the fact that they’re both going to wear Gilligan’s Island hats so hey’ll recognize each other. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h03m40s205

Meanwhile Milton and Ron, a previously unnamed nerd, come into The Max and are immediately harassed by Scott and Tommy D and convinced that they have a disease called “Ringing in the Ears Due to Playing Percussion in High School Orchestras.” Proving that everyone in The New Class are idiots, they are easily convinced by the ringing of a bell behind them. They run off to quit and Scott and Tommy D are overjoyed because this means they can join the orchestra and go see Bayside: The Musical as well since naturally their are no other students with speaking parts who could take Milton and Ron’s place in the orchestra. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m11s104

Meanwhile in walks an obvious rip off of Tori Spelling’s character from the original series. She even has the horrible snort of Tori Spelling’s character. Her name is Natalie, but I’m going to call her Not-Tori Spelling because, unlike Tori Spelling’s VIolet, we never see this character again. And just as well because she’s either blind or has low standards since she thinks Weasel is a curly haired Tom Cruise.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m42s155

Back at Bayside, it’s the return of another original series character, the orchestra teacher, Mr. Lazaar, who’s trying his damndest to get a good sound out of an incompetent orchestra.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m47s208

And since the casting department told him he had no other choice, Tommy D and Scott have taken Milton and Ron’s roles on cymbals and triangle  respectively. Naturally, they’re completely incompetent on two of the easiest instruments known to mankind.
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Not-Tori Spelling comes in and wants to audition for the orchestra because that’s a completely normal thing to do just a few days before a major orchestra performance. And she auditions on the piano they’re not supposed to have because they’re raising money to buy one. Of course, she’s good, possibly the best of the bunch, at fake musical playing.
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So Weasel grand stands in the middle of her audition fake playing the exact same composition she happened to be playing, and the two are named the “Dynamic Duo” of the Bayside orchestra.

Not-Tori Spelling is nervous about the dance that night because she wants to look her best if she’s going to give her virginity up to a curly haired Tom Cruise. What else could happen but Lindsay, Megan, and VIcki agreeing to give her a make-over? vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h12m29s133

At the dance, everyone is shocked because they discovered that, if you take the horrible stereotypical glasses and clothes off a Saved by the Bell nerd and replace them with a pretty dress and long flowing blonde hair, she becomes hot. So becomes Not-Tori Spelling.  vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h14m04s56

Because every guy in the Saved by the Bell universe judges women solely based on conventional physical attraction, Not-Tori Spelling is now the hottest piece of ass at the dance, and every guy in Bayside lines up for his turn on the Not-Tori Spelling Go-Round. Weasel’s upset because how on earth can he ever get a pretty, popular girl despite the fact he already has Not-Tori Spelling and despite the fact he’s always perusing Megan, who is a pretty and popular girl.
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Mr. Belding and Mr. Lazaar are practically pissing themselves they’re so happy they can finally afford to buy the new piano they already had in the previous scene. Hookers and blow. I’m telling you, that’s where the money went.

Mr. Lazaar gets Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling to come up and break in the piano they’ve had all along but apparently Weasel’s super hero weakness is pretty girls because he can no longer play with Not-Tori Spelling. Oh and we are treated to Mr. Lazaar glaring lustfully at Not-Tori Spelling. Gross.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h15m54s135

Their solution is to make Weasel Mr. Belding. The real Mr. Belding reaches down to give Weasel a comfort grope, but comes back up when Weasel nearly catches him. “Wasn’t doing anything inappropriate,” his hands try to tell us. They decide the best way to make Weasel cool is through inappropriate and unrealistic role play.
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Yes, that’s right. It’s your fantasies come true. Mr. Belding has become a hot babe, or he just came back from West Hollywood. It’s one of the two. But it’s obvious Mr. Belding has a huge boner for Scott and he’s overjoyed at Scott finally asking him out.
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Don’t the just make the cutest couple?vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h17m35s113

Weasel’s idea of seduction is to impersonate a grazing camel.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h18m10s214

And then to cry on his lover’s bosom.

At The Max, Scott tells the girls that, when they see Weasel, they should treat him like he’s the coolest thing since Elvis, because all the kids in the early ’90s were listening to Elvis apparently.

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Tommy D enters with Elvis dressed…in a shirt with lots of holes in it and women’s pants? Yeah, Tommy D convinces Elvis this is cool, and that’s why no one else at Bayside dresses like this. And the audience loses their shit, apparently because they caught sight of one of Weasel’s nipples.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h20m03s65

The girls start fighting over which one of them gets to give up their virginity to Weasel first and Weasel suddenly believes he’s God’s gift to girls.
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Back at orchestra practice, Scott and Tommy D are now multi-instrumentalists, because, once again, that’s totally how that works. Among the more weirder of their instruments is, amusingly enough, a cow bell.

Yeah, I couldn’t resist.

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Weasel comes in late dressed in his cool clothes again. He tells Mr. Lazaar that he is no longer Weasel. He’s now “the Fox.”

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Yeah, it totally works.

He’s been ignoring Not-Tori Spelling and not returning her e-mails because he says he ain’t got time for the jibber jabber. The Fox starts blowing and now it’s Not-Tori Spelling who’s intimidated and can’t play.

Yeah, not a bit of this plot makes sense. Weasel is acting conceited but being conceited doesn’t automatically make a person not be able to play music with you. But the plot demands a forced conflict, so we must go on.

But first…

Yeah, this episode is just making the pop culture references way too easy for me. And it doesn’t help that Weasel isn’t that much worse an actor than David Caruso.
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The gang goes into full meddle mode by going into the orchestra room and convincing Not-Tori Spelling to check her e-mail on her early ’90s laptop to see that Weasel is apologizing to her. And we learn that Not-Tori Spelling apparently composes her e-mails out loud.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h55m37s162

It’s actually Scott and Tommy D working the controls because somehow between them they’ve discovered enough brain cells to work Mr. Belding’s Macintosh. Having convinced Not-Tori Spelling that Weasel is apologizing to her, they do they send e-mail to Weasel from Not-Tori Spelling, because it’s apparently just that easy to fake e-mail from someone else in the early ’90s.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h57m41s120

It’s finally time for the orchestra performance and all our characters are dressed as Mormon missionaries. Before they go to word spreading the good news, they’ve got to put on a kick ass performance so they can go to New York City and see Bayside: The Musical.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h59m13s18

Meanwhile, Milton and Ron have discovered a brain cell between the two of them and realized they were conned for the five thousandth time by Scott and Tommy D. Their response is to handcuff the two of them together. I fail to see how this is a punishment for them.

Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling start talking and realize that the entire apology thing was bull shit. But no time for that. It’s time to start the performance.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h00m23s201

Which includes Tommy D holding a triangle in his mouth for Scott to play. I bet there’s something else he wishes Scott would play in his mouth. Okay, okay, that one was way too easy.

In the middle of the performance, with the entire audience as their witnesses, Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling work out their differences and realize the entire conflict of the episode has been complete bull shit. And they’re apparently talking loud enough that the girls can hear them, which means they should have, by all accounts, ruined the performance. But, no, they fake play beautifully, Mr. Belding declares they’re going to New York to see Bayside: The Musical, and we end with wet sloppy kisses for Weasel. Ewww…vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h01m53s78And the lesson, kids, is that, at the end of the day, you can always get everything you want!

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 7: “Rent-A-Pop”

vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h26m43s150 For some reason, the director chose to open the episode with a random extra playing Time Pilot 84 on an arcade game in The Max. OK, for how lame it is, I would hang out at The Max just to play Time Pilot 84. This business finally has something for me!

Zack Morris enters and almost immediately sets up our plot for us: the gang is going on another of those Southern California class ski trips they seem to love but they don’t have the money.to go. So…how have they planned a trip they don’t have the money to go on?

vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h27m29s83Lisa wants some damn service so she asks a passing waiter to get her waiter. The logical response, of course, is to do a bad Shakespearean impersonation. We went from shitty magic tricks in The Max to bad Shakespeare. What an upgrade.

Yeah, if you read my The New Class reviews, you know this is James the Actor and he’ll be with us occasionally for a long time.

After a number of lame ideas on how to make money, Zack Morris decides they need to have a carnival because that’s the way all high school students make money nowadays. And if they don’t have any money, how can they afford a carnival? Bah, it baffles the mind!

The gang go to Mr. Belding’s office and ask if they can hold a carnival. Mr. Belding is all, “Sure! I let you do everything else you want to at this school! Might as well have a carnival too!”

On the way out, Mr. Belding stops Zack Morris and tells him that, because he’s failing several classes, Mr. Belding wants to meet with his father. Wait, so the ski thing is a stupid pointless subplot? Zack Morris doesn’t want his father to come and wants to bring in his mother but Mr. Belding arbitrarily exceeds his authority and says Zack Morris can’t go on the ski trip unless his father specifically comes in because his father is more likely to give him spankings and date female teachers at the school.
vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h31m38s13At the Morris house, Peter Morris walks in and…wait, who is this impostor?!?!?! We have met Zack Morris’s father before and it is not this brick cell phone holding charlatan! What happened to our sweet Peter who snogged Miss Bliss back in Indiana?

Yeah, by this time it’s obvious the writers have said fuck all to Good Morning, Miss Bliss so they not only recast Zack Morris’s father but gave him a new name. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Derek Morris, Zack Morris’s new father. Derek is a computer salesman who strangely exhibits behavior that’s considered quite normal and routine in today’s society, like being obsessed with taking calls from associates and clients on his brick phone.

In response to a hypothetical what would you do if you had a son who was failing, Derek tells Zack Morris that hell no would he let an underachiever dumb ass go on a sweet Southern California ski trip. To Zack Morris’s credit, he tries to tell the truth but can’t get in a word edgewise over the constantly ringing cell phone. It’s like you’re stuck in class next to that one person whose phone keeps ringing but refuses to shut it off.
vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h32m05s38Derek also tells Zack Morris he would ground such a son for life, which naturally leads Zack Morris to daydream that he’s Rip Van Winkle.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h32m26s235And that the rest of the gang is the cast from Fiddler on the Roof.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h33m35s169 This prompts Zack Morris to, for some reason, climb out the window, despite the fact he’s not grounded and has not been punished. Is he running away from his dream sequence? I…don’t…get…it…

At The Max, Zack Morris bemoans the fact that Mr. Belding wants to meet his father as James proceeds to denigrate multiple European and Asian countries. Oh, casual racism! James proceeds to poke into the private lives of his customers and tells Zack Morris that, if he were his son, he would let him go skiing in Southern California. Which, of course, gives Zack Morris an idea.

vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h34m45s107Yep, you guessed it! Welcome to overly complicated and contrived plot devices 101! Come on, Mr. Belding! Just yell, “You’re not Miss Bliss’s Peter!” and be done with it!vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h35m10s97James portrays Zack Morris’s father as if he had a stroke and brain damage as he acts like a complete hard ass of a father, which Mr. Belding completely buys because James is no worse than half the actors on this show. Mr. Belding insists James be easier on Zack Morris and let him go on the ski trip. vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h37m03s196Now it’s time to watch set up of the carnival, which, for a group that has no money, seems to have been able to come up with a lot of shit. And, oh, Screech, I knew it was just a matter of time before you admitted your true feelings!vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h38m41s165And Jessie knocks Slater into some water to prove that women can throw balls too!

Meanwhile, Zack Morris is recapping everything that’s happened so far in the episode to Screech just in case there are viewers with short term memory loss watching. Just then, Mr. Belding comes in and says he’s written a letter inviting Derek back to the school because he wants to invite him to chaperon the ski trip. Plus it’ll give him time to get out his Columbo skills and figure out what happened to Peter Morris.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h39m28s113The post office is extremely efficient in the Saved by the Bell universe because the next scene features Zack Morris bringing Derek into Mr. Belding’s office, complete with James playing Mr. Belding. James is all, “Zack Morris is a perfect little angel who likes to commit fraud!”vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h40m31s238And they bump heads quite literally, complete with a Three Stooges sound effect.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h41m28s45 Zack Morris’s spidey sense is tingling and detects Mr. Belding coming back, so he radios for  Screech to distract Mr. Belding with talk of nerds being poisoned.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h42m50s89Meanwhile, Derek obsesses over Mr. Belding’s computer and wants to know what sort of lease he has on it. Were personal computers really leased in the early nineties. Come on, now. They could have found a better excuse to keep him in the office.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h43m14s71In the restroom, the nerds are doing an admittedly horrible impersonation of being sick, but no worse than James’s acting. When Screech drops the walkie talkie, the gig is up and he realizes that Zack Morris is probably up to something for the thirty-sixth time.
vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h45m04s88Zack Morris gets Derek out of the office with just enough time for James to become his father as Mr. Belding rushes in and assaults James with the door. vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h46m22s157Oh yeah, there’s a carnival going on. Slater is the “strongest man on Earth,” even stronger than Schwarzenegger in his prime apparently. He easily beats this extra, but I’m more concerned with why the “throw the dart at the balloon” game is right above their heads. Won’t that hurt if someone has bad aim with the darts?

We have a sequence where Jessie tells Slater he needs to go easier so that people think they can win and they can earn more money. Jessie rigs the next match between Slater and a nerd so that the nerd wins.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h47m46s227The nerd does the dance of joy and soon all the not-so-smart nerds are paying for chances to beat Slater.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h48m34s194Meanwhile, Lisa is whoring herself out for kisses. For $1, you can kiss Lisa, unless you’re a nerd, in which case she quickly changes the sign to $1,000 as you walk up. I believe there are consumer laws against such practices.

Zack Morris is running a shell game really badly against a horrible stereotype of a Southern California surfer guy. Meanwhile, Slater is now selling tickets to dunk Mr. Belding in the dunk tank when in walks Derek. Derek has decided a school carnival is the best place to try and harass a school principal who has no authority to change the supplier of their computers.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h50m20s235Mr. Belding walks in and, before Zack Morris can get Derek away, Slater sells Derek a chance to dunk Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h51m31s175Which he accepts and, after some pretty misogynistic trash talk which should make Jessie go into ultra feminist mode if it weren’t necessary to the plot, knocks Mr. Belding into the water.

Derek is about to tell Mr. Belding who he is when Zack Morris pushes the button and sends Mr. Belding back into the water. Okay, that was pretty funny. After a clichéd bit where they’re all, “You can’t be this person because I’ve met this person,” Derek and Mr. Belding get a clue.

Back at Casa Morris, Derek is forbidding Zack Morris to go on the ski trip. Derek wants to know why Zack Morris couldn’t just be straight with him and he’s all, “Because Screech is just so hunky! I want his hot man chowder!”

The phone starts ringing incessantly again, Zack Morris lays a guilt trip on his father, and the father and son Morris decide to go bond over fishing instead of Southern California skiing. Hopefully they’ll decide whether Peter or Derek is Zack Morris’s real dad.vlcsnap-2014-06-08-20h55m23s189

Firsts: James the Actor, Zack Morris’s new father (Derek Morris).

The New Class Season 1, Episode 10: “Swap Meet”

Welcome back to my personal torture that is Saved by the Bell: The New Class. This week, we’ll be stereotyping and denigrating something that is very dear to my heart: comic books. Now I have no qualms about admitting it: I am a certified geek. I am also what some have come to call a “socially acceptable” geek, that is, one who is able to function very well in society, unlike the stereotypes we see in the Saved by the Bell universe. For me, geekdom started with two things: Star Trek and comic books. Today, we’re going to see a bunch of stupid, ignorant writers completely miscategorize the latter of the two.

See, comics are an amazing storytelling medium. They can bring stories to life in ways that no other media can. Graphic novels such as The WatchmenV for VendettaThe Walking DeadAll-Star SupermanWe3, and Fables prove that comics aren’t just for kids, or geeks, anymore. In 1992, a year before this episode, Maus, a graphic novel by underground legend Art Spiegelman, even won the Pulitzer Prize for his amazing Animal Farm-like depiction of his father’s experience during the German holocaust. Comics are studied in universities today and the taboo against grown women and men enjoying comics is nearly gone.

But don’t tell that to the writers of The New Class.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h09m50s28Right, you’ve had enough commentary. Let’s get this over with. We open…with people pulling lots of random stuff out of their lockers for a school swap meet. Token Native American extra in the foreground seems to have a vacuum cleaner while the extra behind him has a sleeping bag.

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m00s143And Lindsay has a pink stuffed monkey…Scott has t-shirts with holes in them…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m06s208And Vicki has a hair salon dryer…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h10m22s109That…gives scalp massages…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h11m18s158Oh god…and Mr. Belding has mounted his goldfish for sell….

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h11m48s208And Weasel has a collection of Slinkies that are all twisted together…

Okay, why the hell do all these people have all this random junk at school? It looks like the prop department was just throwing everything at the wall this episode hoping something would get some laughs. Congratulations, they failed miserably on all counts. Wait, more importantly, why the hell is a school sponsoring a swap meet to begin with? Do classes only occur when they conveniently do not interfere with plot points?

Oh, and, yeah, Mr. Belding has really bad allergies now because it was needed for the stupid subplot and because sneezing is now considered the funniest thing on the planet. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h14m09s75Welcome back, Crunch. It figures that the man-boy stupid enough to believe Scott was a female is the one buying his t-shirts with holes in them for $10 a piece. Oh, and don’t worry, that goes absolutely nowhere. And either Crunch never figured out the deception from the last episode or he discovered through his dates with Scott that he enjoys the love that dare not speak its name.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h15m17s251Mr. Belding discovers a bottle of perfume called “Jungle Passions” on the girls’ table, which just happens to be a perfume that isn’t made anymore that Mrs. Belding loves. He buys it as her anniversary present and proceeds to beat his chest in his worst George of the Jungle imitation.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h15m37s184And it’s more stereotypes for our little train wreck of an episode in the form of the Dorkman brothers, whose purpose is to sexually harass Megan and Vicki. Oh that hilarious sexual harassment.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h16m23s141And, inexplicably, it’s another semi-successful actress who got her start on The New Class. Ladies and gentleman, I present the girl of one face and mood, Sarah Lancaster as Rachel Meyers. You may recognize her horrible acting from ScrubsEverwood, and Chuck, but she got her start on this shitty show. This is Rachel’s only appearance this season, but she plays a much larger role in four more episodes.

So Rachel’s role here is basically to give Scott an erection and make him go to stupid lengths to get tickets to a Janet Jackson concert because she apparently loves Janet Jackson. As usual, Scott is disingenuous in his efforts as he hates Janet Jackson’s belly button. Makes no sense but it is ironic in light of what happened a few Superbowls ago.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h17m24s235Scott is desperate to find $200 to buy the tickets but the boys have only made $10, despite the fact that Crunch just bought Scott’s t-shirts for $20. Jesus, it still wouldn’t be enough to buy the tickets but can’t we manage to be consistent within the same scene?

Weasel spent the $10 on comic books which must mean he spent the other $10 on hookers and blow. But, low and behold, one of the comics is the ultra-rare issue #59 of Defender Dog, especially ultra-rare because it’s not a real comic. Weasel’s insistent that the comic book is worth a lot because it has a misprint of Defender Dog with a Milk Bone for a tail. Number one…is this really what the writers believe a comic misprint is? Someone had to draw that picture. It doesn’t just pop magically out of thin air on the printing press. Number two, even if it is a misprint, comic misprints rarely are worth more than the regular comic. In fact, more often than not, this causes a comic to decrease in value. Basically, this entire scene and plot is bull shit.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h18m08s161Scott and Weasel leave the comic in Tommy D’s hands so they can go call someone named Honolulu Harry and find out how much the comic is worth. A cut later, Weasel says the comic is worth $600 (*cough* bull shit *cough) and the duo start bumping butts in celebration, which strangely doesn’t put off the approaching Rachel, who is ecstatic that Scott is going to take her to the Janet Jackson concert.

Meanwhile, Tommy D, the idiot he is, has sold the comic to the Dorkman brothers for $9 despite the fact that he was just told to hang on to it until they found out how much it was worth. If this comic got any more forced, I might have to beat my head against the wall.

At The Max, it’s time for Scott to try and con the Dorkman brothers out of the comic book for $50, which they reasonably refuse. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h20m36s114This sends Scott to plan B, which is to whore Megan and Vicki out on a date at the folding chair movie theater with the Dorkman brothers. Their sole purpose, of course, is to try to use fucking as a means to get the comic back. We have an excruciatingly long scene that tries to force out more humor based on geek stereotypes before we cut back to Bayside. vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h22m29s195We discover the Dorkman brothers sold the comic to Crunch to buy the girls lockets, which, like little bitches, they refuse. I swear, so far the Dorkman brothers have done absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment. All this over the damned comic book that Tommy D was idiotic enough to sell to begin with!vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h23m29s52Scott decides he has to find Crunch so he can get the comic back, but not before Weasel does his impersonation of “Chinese square dancing,” which I can’t decide if it’s racist or not since the reference makes no sense. You can’t just throw two things together and call it a joke. If that was the case, I could say “Antarctic guitar” or “Russian surfing” or “Kenyan skydiving” or “Full House funny” and you guys would just be falling over in hysterics. Okay, I admit, the last one is so unbelievable it’s funny.

Meanwhile, the writers remembered they had a subplot and Lindsay runs down the stairs to reveal that the bottle they sold Mr. Belding is actually her grandmother’s travel bottle of arthritis rub, made out of congealed sulfur and fish oil. Boy the writers on this show really love their fish oil. For whatever reason, they refuse to take the sensible route and simply tell Mr. Belding about the mistake and refund his money because that wouldn’t allow for these stupid hijinks. Instead, we get a scene where the girls try to get the bottle away from Mr. Belding while he can’t smell the perfume because of his allergies.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h26m12s135In his quest to find Crunch, Scott runs into Rachel, who is super stoked to be going to Janet Jackson and reveals she gave up a Southern California ski trip to go to the concert. She gives Scott a kiss on the cheek, sending the audience into hysterics and leaving Scott glancing lustfully at the girl he hopes will take his cursed virginity.

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-21h29m46s243Crunch then comes around the corner and reveals that he will not give up the comic because he’s a huge Defender Dog fan and issue 59 was the only one missing from his collection. He also barks and talks about tap dancing. Yeah.

Because what Scott wants is the only thing in the world that matters, we have another elaborate plan in a new set: Honolulu Harry’s Comics. By some strange coincidence, according to Yelp, there used to be a couple Hawaiian themed restaurants in the Greater Los Angeles area. Apparently during the hard times they specialized in traditional Hawaiian fare and non-existent comic books.

And here’s where I get pissed.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h27m44s44You just fucking established that Crunch, a star football player, is a huge comic books fan. Why the hell does Tommy D have to dress up like Steve Urkel’s retarded white friend to be a comic book fan? Grrr…this is so insulting…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h28m28s221Anyway, this is Honolulu Harry, and the plan is for Tommy D to get Honolulu Harry to take him back to look at the comics, which are in an X-rated theater style back room. I…really hope they’re just looking at comics back there because I don’t particularly want to imagine either one of them doing anything else back there…vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h29m31s78Weasel dresses up as Herschel from The Walking Dead because that’s supposed to fool Crunch into believing that Weasel is Honolulu Harry, who’s going to show Crunch how to take care of his comics. First, if Crunch is a comic collector, he already knows about this stuff. Second, THIS LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HONOLULU HARRY! But, yeah, it works, because I suppose if Crunch couldn’t tell the difference between Scott and an attractive girl before, he would believe that Herschel looks like Honolulu Harry. So Scott and Weasel convince Crunch that Defender Dog hella sucks and basically rob the comic from him. Way to commit a crime, guys.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h30m48s74Meanwhile, Honolulu Harry is pissed because Tommy D dared to touch the comics. Imagine that: a comic book shop where you touch the comic books. He throws all three of them out despite Scott’s protestations that he wants to sell a rare comic book because it makes complete sense to kick out someone that had nothing to do with the crime in question who wants to do business with you.

Back at Bayside, the gang’s study hall teacher has sore bunions, so this means, of course, that Mr. Belding has to act as a substitute teacher. Yeah, the only purpose of this scene is to give Mr. Belding an opportunity to take the comic away so we can draw out this train wreck for another five minutes.

Oh yeah, the girls are still concerned about the perfume, so they sneak in Mr. Belding’s office and replace the counterfeit with the genuine item because the rare perfume just happened to be lying around Lindsay’s house…again. Once more, no real conflict. You didn’t spend the money. Give Mr. Belding his fucking money back and apologize for Christ’s sake!

But now we see the idiotic reason this subplot happened to begin with. The boys sneak in Mr. Belding’s office to retrieve the comic book. They find it, but the boys and girls surprise each other and Mr. Belding walks in. As they scramble to hide, the bottle conveniently breaks all over the comic.
vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h33m17s38Tommy D is the only one not able to find a hiding place in time so he takes the wrap, telling Mr. Belding, whose allergies conveniently cleared up when the plot demanded it, that he’s self-confessing to setting off stink bombs, which mean spankings for him.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h33m57s174After Mr. Belding and Tommy D leave, the gang discovers what’s happened to the comic and, in case you didn’t predict this like two minutes ago, it’s ruined.

vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h35m22s0At The Max, Scott is bemoaning the fact he’s not getting laid tonight when the Dorkman brothers conveniently walk in with a pair of Janet Jackson tickets to give Megan and Vicki. The girls convince the brothers to give them the tickets and they will meet them there. Of course, the girls give Scott the tickets right as Rachel walks in, meaning that our heroes have defrauded someone twice in this episode. But…the Dorkman brothers only gave Megan and Vicki two tickets. Does this mean there’s going to be an orgy at the concert between Scott, Rachel, and the Dorkman brothers? Won’t Rachel figure out what happened when the brothers get pissed that their tickets were given away to someone else?vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h36m00s131No matter, because Rachel’s happy to go see Janet Jackson, Scott’s happy he may get laid, and the girls self-congratulate themselves on their last minute defrauding of the Dorkman brothers.vlcsnap-2014-06-07-19h36m08s214

Firsts: Rachel Meyers.

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 6: “Blind Dates”

This episode is stupid. Mind-numbingly stupid. I have nothing but utter contempt for this piece of garbage episode and its intelligence insulting plot and sub-plot. I would rather watch Stevie serenade me all night than watch this episode again. I would rather see The New Class perform awful reenactments of things our founding fathers never did than watch this episode again. I would rather read Behind the Bell than watch this crap again. I would rather get a root canal while Lorena Bobbitt does reconstructive surgery on my nether regions than watch this episode again.

What, you ask, could make me hate this episode this much? Well, let’s find out.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h20m28s253So our crap fest opens with Zack Morris carrying a product placement and a detention slip. He’s utterly ecstatic that he’s earned another detention. Meanwhile, there’s a birthday party for Kelly Saturday night and Jessie and Lisa don’t have dates because you totally have to have a date to go to your friend’s birthday party. “Feminism! Women’s liberation! Peeing while standing up!” Jessie exclaims. Slater’s on about them not being able to find dates because their vaginae are all dried up.

vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h21m58s136Zack Morris and Kelly walk up arm in arm and Slater’s apparently not gotten over Kelly not picking him.

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding is harassing all the extras to take his niece, Penny, out on Friday. They all run off shrieking in terror and he comes upon our heroes.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h23m00s243Boy, Slater sure can vividly imagine Mr. Belding in a dress. Isn’t that special. Slater runs off in abject terror and we find out through the power of exposition that this is Zack Morris’s ninth detention. On the tenth, he will face suspension, which seems reasonable, right? Oh, just watch on, dear viewer.

In class, Lisa tells Jessie that she wants to set her up with the hot piece of ass that lives next door and goes to private school. We’re four minutes into this episode. Will something happen already?vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h24m28s86We meet Mr. Hudson, who’s apparently a one-shot biology teacher in the spirit of the worst Shakespearean actor you ever heard. He’s got a stick up his ass and it continues to go deeper as Zack Morris facilitates note passing between Jessie and Lisa.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h25m45s88Mr. Hudson makes Zack Morris read the notes, and there’s the one funny bit of the entire episode where Zack Morris reads the note about not going out with private school boy unless he meets him first. Mr. Hudson signs a detention slip for Zack Morris but does absolutely nothing to Jessie or Lisa even though it’s obvious that, despite the homoerotic jokes I always make about Zack Morris, he has no interest in dating a private school boy. Oh, and Mr. Hudson also does nothing to the extras who are talking in the background in class the entire time because that would involve paying them for lines.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h26m30s27Meanwhile, Mr. Belding is trying to get a nerd and Vicki Lawrence to take his niece out. Boy, the nerds on this show just keep getting worse and worse. But even the nerd and Mama Harper won’t touch Mr. Belding’s niece despite not knowing what she looks like, so it’s back to square one.

vlcsnap-2014-05-30-23h26m08s248As the two leave, we learn that apparently the driver’s ed accident a few episodes ago took out a wall to Mr. Belding’s office because we can clearly see Zack Morris standing in the hallway.

Mr. Belding is a bit too overjoyed to learn that Zack Morris has received a tenth detention. So overjoyed that he does an impersonation of Roma Downey as he prepares to touch Zack Morris like an angel.
vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h27m24s67 So Mr. Belding is overjoyed because this means Zack Morris gets one week of suspension. Wait, what? I’ve worked in quite a few schools and have never found one that give one week of suspension for a first offense, especially if it’s for relatively minor infractions. Did the writers of this show just never do any research?

Mrs. Belding calls and she’s hella pissed Mr. Belding hasn’t abused his authority enough yet to get Penny a date. So, he immediately abuses his authority and tells Zack Morris he’s suspended unless he takes his niece out on a date Friday.

Now there’s a simple solution to this dilemma. Mr. Belding is obviously abusing his authority. TELL YOUR FREAKING PARENTS! GO TO THE SCHOOL BOARD! SUE THE SCHOOL DISTRICT! GET HIS ASS FIRED! I don’t give a damn about Zack Morris’s possible suspension! Note passing in class cannot possibly compare to a school administrator abusing his authority so grossly! Hell, the school board would probably let him off with a lighter punishment to avoid a law suit! And something tells me his parents would be more pissed at Mr. Belding than they would be at Zack Morris.

But common sense wouldn’t move the plot along, so, of course, Zack Morris agrees to it.

*pounding head against the wall*

Our plot finally comes into full view when Kelly comes up to Zack Morris in the hallway and tells him that she forgot to let him know that The Max wouldn’t let her have a giant party Saturday so she’s having it Friday instead.

There’s another simple solution here. TELL KELLY YOUR PRINCIPAL IS BLACKMAILING YOU AND THAT YOU AGREED BECAUSE YOU DIDN”T KNOW SAID BLACKMAIL WOULD CONFLICT WITH HER PARTY! Sure, it may not be as straightforward or common sensical as just getting Mr. Belding’s ass fired, but it may be the next best thing and she’d be a bitch to chew you out when your principal is fucking blackmailing your ass!

I had to stop banging my head against the wall. The neighbors were complaining.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h29m49s234So it’s time for Zack Morris to come up with a scheme to get out of his date with Penny without using the two most obvious solutions to his situation. He does what anyone would do: fake a skateboarding accident. This goes absolutely nowhere because Mr. Belding’s bullshit detector seems to be working today.

In the locker room, Lisa is describing Brett, Jessie’s soon to be blind date, and this, of course, leads into a fantasy sequence where Jessie imagines what her potential date might look like.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h31m18s105It’s the “Blind Date Game,” hosted by Zack Morris!vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h31m39s56And here are Jessie’s potential dates! First, there’s “Teddy Kruger!”vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h31m53s198 And “Mason Voorhees!”vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h32m03s43And Screech dressed as Richie Rich!vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h32m30s52They all blow Jessie a kiss at once and suddenly it turns into the 1960s Batman. She doesn’t want to pick between them so she’s forced to date them all. She comes out of her fantasy screaming, “NO!” and tells Lisa that Brett might be a bad ripoff of a horror movie monster so she has to meet him first if she’s going out on a date with him. And Lisa’s all, “Okay!” Seriously, how was that a conflict at all? It sounds like Jessie just didn’t want to ask!

At The Max, Lisa introduces Brett to Jessie but forgot to mention that Brett was a twenty-three year old private school student. vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h33m35s182Jessie’s wetting herself over Brett. We find out Brett isn’t rich and his parents work to pay his tuition, which makes no sense since he’s a neighbor of Lisa’s, but this little inconsistency is the least of this episode’s problems. Jessie can’t control her hormones any longer and asks Brett to go to the party with her. He says yes, and there’s some disturbing foreplay going on.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h38m06s92

After they’re done with their courtship, Brett stands up to leave and we learn…oh god, this is going to be another plot about Jessie’s, “Boo hoo! I’m tall and no guy can find me attractive!” syndrome, isn’t it? Jessie immediately declares to Lisa and Kelly that the date is off because plot demands it.

In the bathroom, Zack Morris tells Screech his plan to have Penny go out with Screech. Since she’s never met Zack Morris, she’ll buy that Screech is him and never be any the wiser, which actually isn’t a bad plan.

vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h39m29s144After they leave, we find out Slater has been randomly standing up on a toilet because it’s what those crazy kids do nowadays, and he heard the entire thing.vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h40m08s19In Zack Morris’s room, Zack Morris is teaching Screech how to do things cool, and they strut around and throw their jackets over their shoulder, leading the audience to totally lose their shit. Oh god! Next thing you know, Zack Morris might even stand in a door frame!vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h40m48s176Oh, he totally does, and they lose their shit again, once again proving the Saved by the Bell audience is the most easily impressed audience on the face of the planet.

Back at school, a quick ruse between Lisa and Kelly lead Jessie to realize how much of a dumb ass she’s being about the Brett thing, and she decides to date him. HOW IS THIS EVEN A CONFLICT IF THEY’RE GOING TO SOLVE IT THIS EASILY? GRR…

Meanwhile, Screech breaks the news to Kelly that he won’t be able to make her party because of his date. She’s all, “Okay, have fun.” But, after she walks away, Slater convinces Screech that means Kelly will be crushed if he doesn’t come, so he decides to bring Penny to Kelly’s party. And Slater is reaching Scott Erickson level ass-wipery in order to steal Kelly from Zack Morris.

At Kelly’s party, Jessie doesn’t want to dance. So we continue the stupid, “I’m too tall” subplot.

vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h44m09s136Meanwhile, Screech shows up with Penny wearing his best bad game show host wig.

vlcsnap-2014-05-31-00h22m15s157I think Zack Morris takes it well.

Zack Morris is all, “What the fuck are you doing here?” and Screech is all, “I’m easily manipulated!” Zack Morris tells Screech to get the fuck out of here and Screech is all, “It’s a free country!”vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h46m29s249We finally wrap up the whole “I’m too tall” subplot with Jessie dancing with Brett while Brett stands on a stair. Two things: one, why is Saved by the Bell recycling its own plots? And two, why is Brett short? When he’s around other characters, it’s obvious he’s average height. Oh, and who the fuck cares if Jessie is tall? Why was that subplot even necessary?vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h47m54s79Meanwhile, because Slater is willing to hurt Kelly in order to claim her as his property, he convinces Penny that it would mean the world to Kelly if she told Kelly she was having a good time with Zack Morris. Penny does just that. Because Penny is apparently a dumb ass, she does just that, and Kelly’s all, “What you talkin’ ’bout, biatch!” vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h48m59s216All the extras stop to stare as Penny takes Screech out and back to the Belding’s place for some hot fucking. Kelly demands that Zack Morris tell her what’s going on. He tells her, and her reaction is that it was actually a pretty faithful thing to do to get someone else to date Penny, which I said like ten minutes ago! I mean, if he wasn’t going to get Mr. Belding fired, at least he didn’t actually cheat on Kelly, so Slater’s plan never made any sense!

And we end with Kelly giving Zack Morris a hot pop kiss on the cheek, which deflates Slater’s ego and makes the audience go crazy one more time.
vlcsnap-2014-05-30-22h50m25s57

The New Class Season 1, Episode 9: “Good-bye Megan”

Silly me. When I saw the title for this episode, I assumed it would be a rip-off of “Aloha Slater.” How could I have been so naive? I should have known it would be a rip off of “Aloha Slater” AND “Pinned to the Mat” because, wouldn’t you know it, it’s career week at Bayside High!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m30s191And, oh look, Vicki wants to be Lorena Bobbitt when she grows up!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h02m48s120And Tommy D must be having a heart attack because Lindsay is listening to his heart and hearing it say words like, “I want to fuck your brains out!”vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m20s199Weasel loves the plumber’s booth because they’re giving away free toilets. Yeah, that makes complete sense.

But the important thing to remember this episode is that Megan wants to be a doctor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h03m32s58Meanwhile, in plot B, Milton and Kirby are signing up to be assistant principals for the week, because it’s totally acceptable to pull two students out of classes for an entire week just to help you.

And disaster strikes when the police chief calls and says that he can’t be the career week speaker because he was bitten by McGruff the Crime Dog, who is a person in an oversized dog costume. Oh, I wish this was the episode where Screech came back so I could speculate on whether it was him in that suit or not! But what ever will they do? Oh, through the power of plot contrivance, turns out Megan’s father is a famous judge who’s never been mentioned on the show before so Mr. Belding guilts her into asking him to be the speaker.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m01s171In Megan’s room, the girls are dancing very poorly…for some reason. But don’t worry. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything else in this episode, no sarcasm intended.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h05m38s37And in walks Megan’s father, Judge Thurston Jones, complaining about the racket those damned kids are making even though the music wasn’t turned up very loud. I do have to give credit where credit is due, though. It’s kind of clever having Judge Jones played by Bianca Lawson’s real-life father, Richard Lawson. You might recognize Lawson as a recurring character on such shows as All My ChildrenDynasty, and Chicago Story. Not that the target demographic would have watched any of these shows, but it’s still a neat nod.

The girls are getting ready to go see a movie with Christian Slater in a bathing suit (which causes the audience to lose their shit…) but before Megan leaves, Judge Jones asks to talk to her. Judge Jones is pissed that Megan is only making straight As and wants her to invent a new grade even higher. To that end, he’s pressuring her to go to a private school called Willowbrook Academy. This is because Megan wants to go to Harvard and we all know that no one who goes to Harvard ever comes from public school. Why that’s just preposterous!vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h07m57s128The next day Megan’s pissed that no one wants to go to some career seminar with her because she finds it hard to believe not all teenagers obsess over their future careers. To that end, she has a fantasy sequence where she imagines everyone but her failing in life.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m08s6It’s twenty years down the road and Megan is a surgeon who wears scrubs to a class reunion because it’s her fantasy. Imagine, she probably had to rush over directly out of surgery and still has blood and tissue and ick all over her.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m25s176Tommy D is chief blimp inflator for Goodyear. Yeah…vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m39s58Lindsay is a waitress at The Max, married to Tommy D, and has become a Roseanne impersonator.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h08m57s203Scott is a pervy man-whore who wears short shorts and hangs out with bikini clad women at a hot tub all day.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-19h26m03s146Weasel is on the Olympic video game team, because I guess you need…really big, obviously fake thumbs to play video games in a non-existent Olympic sport.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h09m45s206And Vicki is a crazy cat lady who watches soap operas all day. Now this is a transformation I can actually believe!

What a bitch! Megan is fantasizing that all of her friends will fail miserably while she succeeds, just because they didn’t want to attend a stupid career seminar!

Mr. Belding calls Megan to his office as Kirby and Milton come around the corner giving Scott and Tommy D detention for not being in class. The only purpose of this scene seems to be to set up a plan for Scott and Tommy D to become the new assistant principals so they can get late passes.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h11m30s222In Mr. Belding’s office, Judge Jones shows up to tell Megan that she’s been accepted to Willowbrook Academy, because private schools always make such decisions in only a day.

The next day the gang is bemoaning Megan’s departure in two weeks (because it’s quite common to transfer in the middle of a semester apparently) as Milton and Kirby catch the gang out of class. Tommy D engages in some terroristic threatening to get them to quit, and it works like a charm. Charm is something not a one of these characters possess, though.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h13m05s128At The Max, Stephanie and Tracy, two students from Willowbrook, are talking to Megan about what it will be like there. The writers are trying to play these two characters off as Professor von Snickity Bitch and Mrs. Stickupherass, but they really just come off as mildly snobbish. When Lindsay, Vicki, and Weasel come in and meet them, they instantly don’t like the two because they’re mildly rude and call Weasel, “Hamster.” Haha I wish that was his name.

So, because the three don’t like these two girls, they instantly become convinced that Megan will be miserable at Willowbrook because Stephanie and Tracy are the only two students at this school. But they don’t want to ruin this opportunity for Megan so they decide to play it off as if they’re happy for her. And it’s not like Megan can just come hang out with her friends at The Max once she’s in a new school. After all, there’s a ban on students from other schools there. Well, except for all the students from other schools we’ve seen there.

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding appoints Scott and Tommy D the new assistant principals, but, instead of hallway monitor duty, he gives them trophy polishing duty, which includes the 1968 state yodeling championship trophy, which was earned by Mr. Belding and one Otto Huntmeyer. Force plot points in much? After all, this was the period when Mr. Belding was supposedly a rock music rebel.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h16m53s132The gang decide to throw a good-bye party for Megan at The Max as we enter “Aloha Slater” territory, and they were kind enough to invite all the nameless extras.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m03s233Why, good-bye, random nameless girl, I’ll miss you most of all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m13s81

And Kirby tries to sexually harass Megan by request a big sloppy kiss, saying he’ll miss being rejected by her. vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h17m35s36Meat is so broken up over the whole thing he can barely eat his meat. Lindsay and Vicki get her a sweater.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h18m28s67But, best of all, The Max has decided to dedicate a new sandwich in Megan’s honor, the Megan Mega-Monster Meatball Sub. First of all, how the hell does that have anything to do with Megan. Second, who, besides Meat, could possibly eat that entire sandwich? And how much would it cost?

The gang break down and reveal they don’t really want Megan to go because they’ll never see her again despite the fact that she’s not moving, and Tommy D even threatens to assault her if she leaves, which is kind of disturbing. Megan then breaks down and reveals she doesn’t really want to leave but Judge Jones has his heart set on it. And that could only mean one thing: time for a horrible Scott Erickson plan to change the judge’s mind.

At Bayside, Scott and Tommy D have tracked down Otto, Mr. Belding’s old yodeling partner, and arranged for a reunion in the middle of the school day because administrators can apparently take off randomly like that. Mr. Belding is worried about who will give Judge Jones a tour and they assure him that, as assistant principals, they will do it.

Really? This is the pay off of the stupid B-plot? It was all to accommodate a Scott Erickson plan? I want to reach through the screen and slap them all.

vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h20m58s19So the first part of the plan is for Scott and Tommy D to wear uniforms despite the fact that no one else in the school is wearing school uniforms.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h21m13s168And for Scott to talk in a really horrible posh sounding accent and brag about fake accomplishments that make Bayside better than Willowbrook.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m17s44This includes Vicki coming in and declaring that the Bayside polo team beat the Willowbrook team because I’m sure Judge Jones has completely forgotten that he knows Vicki.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h22m44s67And Lindsay announces fake clubs, such as the “Investment Banker’s Club” and the “Future United States Presidents.” Yeah, this doesn’t seem staged at all.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h23m08s39But the worst is yet to come. Hello, casual racism, our old friend. See, Weasel has become an Indian foreign exchange student and immediately starts talking like Apu from The Simpsons if Apu had a sinus cold. And this is totally believable because there are lots of short white guys in India.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m05s104

And I don’t know which is worse: Weasel’s casual racism or Mr. Belding in lederhosen. Turns out The Max kicked him out for yodeling in the middle of their restaurant which, given the things we’ve witnessed there in the past, should not come as much of a surprise. Judge Jones starts recapping all the fake achievements Scott and Tommy D have been regaling him with and the gig is up.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h24m56s105They finally confess that the whole thing was an act and Judge Jones is all, “No shit, dumb ass!” He says he saw through it from the beginning but wanted to see how far they would take it. You know, Judge Jones may have just instantly become my favorite character on this show so far. He sees through the gang’s bullshit and he’s not afraid to berate them. Plus he’s played by a semi-successful actor.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h26m00s232Judge Jones gives his speech to some assembled extras about how the facts alone aren’t always enough and sometimes you have to follow your heart. He says whatever career they choose, they will need honesty, determination, and the support of good friends, which means Megan is staying both because the season isn’t over yet and because she can’t possibly be friends with the people at Bayside if she’s going to another school. Everyone’s ecstatic that Megan’s staying and Judge Jones wraps up his speech by saying he’ll see them all again in three years when Megan graduates. I hate to break it to you, Judge Jones, but no, no you won’t.vlcsnap-2014-05-25-18h27m00s61

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 5: “House Party”

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We open with this shot of an Elvis statue in what turns out to be Screech’s house. Gee, I wonder if this is going to play a role in the plot in a few minutes. But it is an episode of firsts: someone actually constructed a set for one of the kids’ houses outside their bedroom. Not only that, but someone is using the doorbell instead of simply breaking and entering. My god, it’s like we’ve entered The Twilight Zone!vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h42m07s89And it’s even more surprising when we find out who’s on the other side of the door: Zack Morris, who seems to have decided that entering without permission is not the best way. He’s ready to shit his pants because apparently Screech’s parents are going on vacation to Graceland, leaving Screech and Zack Morris to have a slumber party. Seems they’re obsessed with Elvis to the point they’re going to spend their anniversary staying at the Heartbreak Hotel which, believe it or not, is an actual place in Memphis, Tennessee, but doesn’t sound like a very romantic place to spend your anniversary. Hell, Motel 6 sounds like a more romantic place than the Heartbreak Hotel!
vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h42m50s24But yeah, Screech’s insane mother, Roberta, comes in and threatens to give Zack Morris spankings for daring to touch the Elvis statue. Gee, I wonder if this statue is going to play a role in the plot within the next few minutes.

As she’s getting ready to leave, Roberta gives Screech wet sloppy kisses, and the dog, “Hound Dog,” wet sloppy kisses. Yes, they actually named their dog “Hound Dog.”vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h43m48s6She even gives Zack Morris wet sloppy kisses which, judging by the last episode, should warrant a bitch slap from Kelly.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h44m18s132 Finally, she gives the two a few simple house rules.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h44m40s122When Zack Morris is around, this is actually quite smart. After all, if there’s a grey area, he’d be the first to find a way to exploit it.

At school, Slater has invited himself in on the slumber party. The trio is bummed that they can’t have a party or girls over according to the rules. I don’t know what Roberta was scared of. If the girls came over, the most that would happen is some passionate hand holding.

But not to fear! They say they’ll just do “guy things!”

I’m using my imagination at this point to decide what constitutes guy things at a sleepover, and this is what I came up with.

I can really see the three of them breaking into a rendition of this right before they start making out.

vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h45m58s106 And it’s time to meet our latest recurring character, Violet Anne Bickerstaff, who has a lady boner for ‘ole Screech here. She’s played by Tori Spelling (yes, THAT Tori Spelling), and, if memory serves me correctly with my limited exposure to Beverly Hills, 90210, her acting doesn’t ever get much better. It must be nice having a rich and successful father who can get you acting gigs.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h46m18s58But now meet our villain of the episode, Violet’s boyfriend, Maxwell Nerdstrom, who treats her like his property. Maxwell looks much too old to be a student at Bayside and would be more at home in the cast of The Wizard of Oz, but I can’t find any information on the actor’s age, so I don’t know if he was actually much older than he looks.

Now, you may be asking why I’m not more outraged by this. You see, Maxwell may treat Violet like shit, but he’s not doing anything Zack Morris and Slater haven’t done. The difference between Maxwell and our regular characters is that at least he’s up front about believing women to be his property.

Anyway, Maxwell is pissed that Violet has a lady boner for Screech and tells her to get the fuck out of here.
vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h47m11s50Jessie decides to confront Maxwell. “Feminism! Equal rights! Big government out of my vagina!” she tells him. Maxwell’s response: sexually assault Jessie.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h47m56s14Yes, despite Jessie being considerably taller than Maxwell, he is able to forcibly kiss her without any consequences whatsoever. Jessie should punch him or, at the very least, report him to an adult. But sexual assault is a laughing matter in the Saved by the Bell universe so she does nothing. But note the extra in the background who seems to be the only one outraged by what she sees. This is the extra Billy Superstar once referred to as “Short Girl” and she has instantly become one of my favorite characters now that Edgar is gone for the pure and simple fact that she’s the only one with enough god damn sense to know that what she’s witnessing is not ok!vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h48m30s86At The Max, Jessie and Violet walk in and it turns out that Violet has broken up with Maxwell despite the fact he had a strong codependent grip on her one scene ago. The reason is because obviously the plot needed to be moved along. The girls encourage Violet to go after Screech, but she’s delusional as Dustin Diamond in Behind the Bell and believes he would never want to date her when he can have any girl he wants, which gets the usual look of disbelief from Lisa.

The girls decide to sneak into Screech’s house and find out what “guy things” Zack Morris, Screech, and Slater will be doing and…good lord…vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h52m43s70I was just kidding! I swear, I was just kidding about them doing a musical number! Make it stop!

I’m hiding behind the couch right now because of the horror before me of our guys dressed in underwear and dancing to a horrible cover of The Beach Boys’s “Barbara Anne.” If I was less traumatized right now, I would point out this is the first time that a real song rather than muzak was used on the show, but right now I just can’t unsee the horror before me.

And I feel this is a moment I need to inflict on you, my readers.

 

Yes, the horrors I have seen.

Obviously this is a Risky Business parody and not a very good one. For one, Tom Cruise dances to Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock and Roll, which is a song you really can rock out to at home. This is…to a bad Beach Boys cover of a song that was never very danceable to begin with.

Jesus, I’m not even halfway through the episode.
vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h53m33s50The use of doorbells was short lived because, indeed, the girls do break an entering and laugh at the boys to see such sport. For some reason, the girls start dancing and singing “Barbara Anne” really badly and, wouldn’t you know it, Violet knocks over the Elvis statue, breaking it.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h54m29s92Oh what shock and surprise that this is a plot point. vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h55m09s218 After a commercial break, Screech is all depressed and shit about the broken statue and…wait, what the hell? Why is Slater holding the statue if it was just broken? Is this another first: the writers not being able to maintain continuity within the same scene?

Of course, his friends are totally non-supportive about the non-broken Elvis statue, which leads us into a dream sequence.
vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h55m35s253Yes, Roberta has become an angel because she had a close psychic connection with the statue and died literally the minute it hit the floor.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h56m05s38And she’s still giving Screech wet sloppy kisses.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h56m19s185Look, they found something for Mr. Belding to do this episode: he’s a really bad Elvis impersonator. Despite the fact they have wings, because they’re angels, Angel Roberta and Angel Elvis Belding flap their arms as they prepare to go away to the big Elvis concert in the sky. But there is kind of a clever reference to Elvis giving the concert for his mother since Elvis was discovered when he cut a single as a gift to his mother. Not that most of the target demographic would understand said reference.

Boy, that was even more pointless than most of the dream sequences.

Zack Morris declares that they’ll get another statue before Roberta gets home despite the fact that Slater is holding a statue right now. God, take one look at what you’re god damn filming!

vlcsnap-2014-05-24-16h57m52s87 At school, Violet apologizes for breaking the statue as Zack Morris points and laughs at her…for some reason. Screech tells her it wasn’t her fault, which is a god damned lie since it was her mockery of the boys’ bad dancing that caused this whole thing to begin with. Violet is overjoyed that she’s gone from a manipulative, controlling asshole to someone she can manipulate and control.

Lisa has found an Elvis statue but it cost $250. Screech is all, “Where am I going to get $250?” and all I can think of is the fact that Lisa’s family is rich and has a credit card that she can use at will.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h00m14s227Speaking of controlling, manipulative assholes, Maxwell comes up demanding that his property come to him immediately. Violet’s all fuck off and says she wishes someone would teach Maxwell a lesson, which, of course, gives Zack Morris an idea.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h01m28s194Yes, it’s time for poker, because the obvious way to get $250 and teach Maxwell a lesson is through gambling rather than a sexual harassment lawsuit.  Though Maxwell claims he’s never played poker before, he quickly cleans the gang out of most of their money.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h03m22s49Zack Morris has just enough money for one more hand and is convinced it’s good enough to up the ante by betting Hound Dog verses the rest of Maxwell’s money. Yes, Screech’s dog is being used for a bet in poker and Maxwell is okay with this. Why am I even questioning any of this, especially given that Violet seems to be nearly as equally attracted to Hound Dog as to Screech.

Zack Morris lays down four queens and, of course, Maxwell lays down four kings, which is statistically improbable for two players to have four of a kind in the same hand but, hey, since when did Saved by the Bell give a rat’s ass about probability? This means that now Screech has a broken Elvis statue that Slater is holding hostage and the beloved family dog is now owned by Jackie Gleason.
vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h04m04s216

This is apparently Dustin Diamond’s shocked and upset face.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h04m45s113Luckily, Roberta picks just this moment to check in on Screech.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h05m09s91Naturally, Roberta wants to talk to the damned dog on the phone, so Zack Morris does a horrible impersonation of a dog which, since Roberta is bat shit crazy, totally convinces her. She lays a bit of a guilt trip upon Screech about being responsible. Zack Morris is determined that Maxwell will regret the day he crossed Zack Morris.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h06m44s26In the locker room, because we haven’t seen this set for a while, Maxwell is looking at his reflection in a locker mirror and wishing he could fuck himself.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h07m01s201Zack Morris and Slater rush in as Slater attempts to bully Maxwell into giving back the dog. Yeah, the weird Power Rangers communicator on Maxwell’s wrist is apparently a “bully alert” which starts sounding an alarm the minute Slater picks up Maxwell.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h07m22s142Why, tell me why, was Mr. Belding loitering outside the boy’s locker room? Was he about to put on his disgusting half cut shirt and lift weights again? Zack Morris and Slater manage to weasel their way out of an assault charge and, after Mr. Belding leaves, Maxwell tells them he’ll give the dog back if he can have a date with Jessie.

At The Max, the gang is planning on throwing a house party to raise money to buy the Elvis statue by charging a $10 cover, because teenagers always come to random parties that were planned that day which they have to pay to get into. vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h09m32s175Oh and they break the news about Jessie going on a date with Maxwell, which thrills her to no end, but they soon convince her through the power of guilt.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h10m30s222 The party is in full swing and Maxwell comes in with Jessie, who looks like she wants to rip his head off his tiny little body. Maxwell refuses to give the dog back until he’s had some special time with Jessie, which involves dancing from the Rhonda Rubistelli school of dancing.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h11m25s18 Meanwhile they discover they have enough money to buy the statue and send Slater to buy it…when it’s dark outside and it’s obvious the shop is probably closed! Fuck that. Slater’s pocketing the money and going to his house to get the intact statue we saw him with earlier.

After a cut, it’s 10:00 pm so Maxwell has another nerd bring Hound Dog in. Maxwell wants a good night kiss from Jessie, though, so Zack Morris has him close his eyes and puts Hound Dog’s nose up to Maxwell’s mouth. Eeew. Poor Hound Dog.

vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h12m37s226Of course, since everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe are morons, Maxwell doesn’t realize it was the dog and starts on about how Jessie is a better kisser than Violet. Screech walks up and is all, “Bitch, Violet’s my property now and you can’t insult her! Oh and you just kissed the damned dog!” Kissing dogs is Maxwell’s weakness and causes him to immediately make his exit.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h13m24s187Screech formally asks Violet out and they give a nice, sexual pop kiss to one another and, for once, the audience doesn’t lose its shit. The audience must not have smoked enough marijuana this week.vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h14m20s239Roberta comes home early and everyone hides in plain sight. I love the extra in the background whose idea of hiding is putting a book in front of his face. Zack Morris apparently had a “Happy Anniversary” sign rigged in Screech’s house and releases it.
vlcsnap-2014-05-24-17h14m45s209Because Roberta is an idiot, she totally believes a bunch of teenagers she doesn’t know are in her house when they thought she wouldn’t be home to celebrate her anniversary. Slater sneaks in the Elvis statue, and we end with Roberta obsessing over which direction Elvis is facing in the living room.

Thank god that experience is over.

Firsts: Violet Anne Bickerstaff, Maxwell Nerdstrom, a part of  house other than the bedroom, someone uses a doorbell, a real song is used.

The New Class Season 1, Episode 8: “Belding’s Baby”

When I started reviewing this series, I said that you don’t need to know a lot about the later seasons of Saved by the Bell to understand this show. This is one of the rare exceptions. Basically, what you need to know to understand this episode is that Mr. Belding received a bundle of joy during the fourth season he named Zack and often refers to as “Little Zack.” That’s all you really need to know so I won’t spoil anymore. We’ll get to that episode sometime next year.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h11m49s223We open with Weasel in his natural environment, a trash can. He’s scared shitless because he says Mr. Belding has been acting even more crazed than usual handing out arbitrary punishments so, of course, the natural course of action was to hide in the trash can.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h12m25s75And, wouldn’t you know, right then Mr. Belding comes around the corner chasing the football team yelling at them for…tying their shoes in the hall? The hell…I would think even the writers of this show could come up with a better excuse for Mr. Belding to be mad at the football team than this.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h12m36s192Next Mr. Belding yells at Lindsay and Tommy D for holding hands in the hallway which, by Saved by the Bell audience standards, is probably like third base. He also gets on Megan for drinking soda in the hallway even though he admits that’s never been a rule before.

Scott asks Mr. Belding if there’s anything he can do to make Mr. Belding’s day better and Mr. Belding is all, “Fuck off! DETENTION!” He then throws Megan’s soda in the trash can and Weasel, being a dumb ass, throws it back out. Mr. Belding demands that both Scott and Weasel come to his office for spankings.

Yeah, not that one bit of this episode makes sense, but there’s a solution to this, kids. Go tell your parents and have them file a formal complaint with the school board. If the principal is acting this erratic, there are ways to reign him in. But that would be inconvenient to the plot.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h13m37s14In Mr. Belding’s office…whoa, check out that sweet Macintosh! We had one of those in my fifth grade class! It was such a step up from the Apple IIe computers we had before that we thought we were in heaven! What I wouldn’t give to be playing Oregon Trail on one of those right now rather than reviewing this crappy ass show!vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h14m19s129Anyway, the three enter Mr. Belding’s office as the phone is ringing. Mrs. Belding is on the other end and we learn that Mr. Belding is in a shitty ass mood because he hasn’t gotten any sweet poon on account of not being able to find a babysitter.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h15m08s164Scott, like a great white, smells blood in the water and volunteers himself and Weasel to watch Little Zack. He’s all, “I was president of the babysitter’s club at Valley, just like I was on the radio station even though that was a complete lie.” Since Mr. Belding’s completely clueless, he agrees to put the life of his infant son in incompetent hands if it means he might be able to get his dick wet.

At The Max, Scott is pissed that the girls all have lives of their own and don’t want to help do women’s work and babysit. So, it falls to Scott and Weasel to watch a helpless infant for the night.
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We cut to our folding chair movie theater where, because it’s one of the only sets available, Lindsay, Tommy D, Megan, and Vicki are all on dates as Weasel enters with a baby carriage that he proceeds to push down the stairs. Luckily, Little Zack was not inside and is, instead, being carried by the relatively more competent of the two, Scott. They decided that, since Little Zack was asleep, they would come see a movie because it makes complete sense to bring a sleeping baby to a loud movie.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h18m45s41Now, throughout this review, you’ll note that Little Zack’s facial expressions sum up what we’re all thinking about this episode in the moment, starting with this one: I’m so bored to death with this episode I could just fall asleep right now. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h19m22s150Followed by, “Why the hell do you have me in this shitty ass show? I want to go home and avoid being scarred for life!”

In perhaps the most predictable thing of this series to date, Little Zack starts crying in the theater, pissing off everyone else inside. Scott and Weasel try to get him to shut the hell up, but he’s all like, “Fuck you both. I’m gonna do what I want.” Weasel tries to give him some milk and Little Zack tells Weasel what he thinks of this.
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They finally take Little Zack out to the lobby, where they continue to be unsuccessful at getting him to accept his lot as an actor on The New Class. Then, a stranger comes up and starts serenading Little Zack with song.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h20m56s69Little Zack is all, “You’re pretty and you’re smart enough to never appear on this show again after this episode so I think I like you more than these dumb shits.” He stops crying and Scott instantly gets a hard on over this girl.

Turns out our girl is named Ashley Barrett and she’s a student at Pacific Coast High. Boy, The New Class is really inventing new schools left and right to create new plot contrivances. Ashley, rather than asking how Scott is related to the baby, assumes the baby is his little brother. Scott plays along and says that Mr. Belding is his father, which causes Weasel to have a stroke.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h22m03s225Ashley says her mom is a photographer and needs a model for a new diaper ad. Scott not only plays along but says that Little Zack has been on the cover of “Playbaby magazine.”

Let’s think about this for a moment, The New Class writers. You just implied that Scott is saying Mr. Belding’s infant son has been in a magazine which, judging by the title, is a NAMBLA publication. Of course, these writers think that holding hands is risqué so they’ve probably never seen an issue of Playboy and probably think it’s a toy catalog.

Scott is desperate to get his dick wet since Lindsay is selfish and won’t bump her boyfriend for him, so he agrees to bring some of Little Zack’s photos to the studio the next day. Oh, and Ashley just happens to have some of her mom’s business cards in her purse, which is very odd and convenient.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h23m25s235The next day, Mr. Belding is way too happy about having had an orgasm the night before. He and his wife apparently got it on at “Santa’s Village.” So…did they scar a bunch of kids for life?

Mr. Belding wants to know when Scott can babysit again and Scott offers to do so at lunch because it’s totally normal for a high school student to babysit his principal’s baby during the school day. Mr. Belding’s overjoyed at this news and gives Scott a bad touch.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h24m37s171 And not only is the gang babysitting Little Zack during the school day, but they’ve also cleared out a classroom to use for a photo shoot because the faculty and staff of Bayside are all high and didn’t notice them moving furniture out of a classroom.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h25m58s13The gang all start waving toys in Little Zack’s face trying to get him to smile, and Little Zack is all, “What the fuck am I doing here and why are you people in my face. I could be watching mother fuckin’ Teletubbies right now rather than dealing with this bull shit!” vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h26m14s169Weasel decides to try singing to Little Zack since it worked with Ashley and poor Little Zack just looks bewildered as Weasel sings the Gilligan’s Island theme song to him. Little Zack is all, “Fuck this shit! If it will get this dumb ass to shut the hell up, I’ll do anything! He smiles for the pictures and instantly becomes the most talented actor who’s appeared on this show so far.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-21h54m56s140At the photo studio, Ashley’s mom, Gwen, loves the photos and wants to schedule a photo shoot.

vlcsnap-2014-05-19-21h56m33s98She wants to have the photo shoot at 1:00 pm tomorrow and Scott agrees because obviously he can just leave school at will with his principal’s baby. The complication, of course, is that there has to be an adult present, but Scott’s all, “Don’t worry! I’ll come up with a convoluted scheme to pull this off!”

We then have the most forced dream sequence to date in the franchise as Scott imagines what it would be like to be married to Ashley, a girl he’s known for two days.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h27m32s182And we get some of the most disturbing images of the franchise’s twelve year run as Scott imagines Ashley and his baby as being Mr. Belding dressed in baby clothes. Be horrified at what you are about to see. It may be more disturbing than any horror movie you’ll ever see.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h27m59s201 vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h28m32s19 vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h29m10s139 Did they really need an excuse to dress Dennis Haskins up as a baby? Was this a scene that we just couldn’t live without? I need to wash my eyes out with acid now.

At school the next day, Scott has the gang preparing to don disguises to help him with his scheme. The problem becomes that Mr. Belding has decided to dare to spend some quality time with his son. How dare him! Scott tells the others to go stall Gwen and Ashley while he and Tommy D go take care of Mr. Belding. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h31m12s85Why. Why is this happening. Why does anyone fall for anything these idiots say. Why is it in this universe any idiot can put on a bad disguise and fool a woman who appears to be intelligent into believing they’re Little Zack’s grandparents. WHY I ASK YOU? vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h31m40s110The stalling seems to be working at their end so let’s go find out what’s going with Mr. Belding.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h32m52s52Oh, look. His idea of bonding with his son is taking him to the shitty restaurant his teenaged students hang out at. vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h33m10s35Mr. Belding is trying to feed Little Zack strained brussel sprouts. Little Zack is all, “Who the fuck do you think you are? Get that spoon out of my face before I shove it up your ass!”vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h33m52s193So Mr. Belding puts on a…bad bird hat? vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h35m00s59Little Zack is all, “Yo, you scaring me dawg! You had too much angel dust today! I want my real daddy before this psycho does something to me!”vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h35m24s41Scott and Tommy D rush in and tell Mr. Belding his car has an oil leak and a flat tire because that’s Tommy D’s thing: being Mr. Belding’s personal mechanic. Mr. Belding doesn’t buy the bull shit for once, though, since his wife has the car today. So, they make up an ego stroking story that he will buy: he is being photographed for the “Principal Dad of the Year” contest. Anything that inflates Mr. Belding’s sense of self-worth is believable, so they rush over to the photo studio just as Gwen is beginning to realize every person on this show is insane.

The bull shit lasts about a minute before Weasel sexually harasses Vicki in a closet and Mr. Belding finally gets a clue and wants to know what’s going on.
vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h37m31s29Scott comes clean and this entire episode was a big waste of time because Mr. Belding didn’t care about Little Zack being photographed and actually thought it was a good idea.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h38m52s70And, to top off the bull shit, Ashley is a complete dumb ass who has low self esteem and, despite Scott lying to her, thinks it’s sexy that he lied to be with her. And they share a kiss that makes the audience lose their shit. Of course, it’ll be the only kiss they’ll ever share since she’ll never be mentioned on the show again.vlcsnap-2014-05-19-20h39m03s196And we end with…Weasel seemingly still delusional that he’s Little Zack’s grandfather.

Little Zack says this episode was a huge pile of bullshit and a waste of everyone’s time involved and doesn’t understand how this show could have lasted seven years.