Have I really only done eleven of these episodes before this week? As much torture as it’s been, I feel like I should be at least half way through the series. Oh well, let’s see what torture the writers have in store for me this week.
Oh, yay, Weasel is obsessing about mid-year finals. What the hell are those supposed to be anyway? They’ve used the term “mid-term” lots of times in the original series but the only thing I can figure is that these are finals occurring after the end of the first semester.
And what is Scott’s stick this week you ask? Why, because he’s apparently completely forgot about both Ashley and Rachel because they wouldn’t put out, he’s now after Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, I’m sorry, he said Muffy. Of course he did, because Sarah Michelle Gellar would be a hell of a lot more interesting right now. Oh, Muffy is just some random Clueless rip off: the classic stereotypical blonde bimbo. And she’s also only willing to date fifteen year old boys if they’re willing to drive without a license.
Meanwhile, the state of California has seen fit to allow Tommy D to drive on the road and we are informed through the power of exposition that Tommy D’s sixteenth birthday is exactly three weeks from today, upon which occasion Tommy D’s father will buy him a car. Of course, as is usual in the Saved by the Bell universe, the gang only cares insofar as it benefits each of them. Scott’s imagining fucking Muffy in the back of Tommy D’s car, Vicki wants a ride to school, and Megan is still thinking about Milton’s retainer.
And meet Mr. Snavely, who will be playing an English teacher for exactly one episode, which is weird since we already know the kids have Miss Simpson for English. Did they all flunk a year of English so they have to take two periods of it a day? Really, who is this interloper who’s trespassing on the sweet insanity that is Miss Simpson? Oh, and Mr. Snavely talks like a bad stereotype of a Shakespearean actor.
Well, for some reason the English “mid-year final” is on…public speaking? What the hell? You might have to do some public speaking for an English class project but it’s not going to be a major portion of your grade! I dare say my public speaking professor in college would have been insulted to be lumped in with the English department. What strange dimension do these characters exist in?
Meanwhile, Tommy D is doing a bad job of pretending like he’s looking at this magazine. Mr. Snavely tries to answer a question and he’s just like, “Duh, question hurt Tommy D’s mind!”
Yes, it’s time for a dream sequence in which everyone is piled in the same car. This car has to have one of the biggest back seats I’ve ever seen. Hopefully it’ll be big enough for Scott to fuck Muffy. Meanwhile, the way the camera was moving I seriously thought I was looking at a Back to the Future II hover car for a second. Actually, it might be since they all decide to drive to Hawaii.
Meanwhile in Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding has been recast! Oh, wait, no. It’s Tommy D’s dad. But the way he’s just thrust on us in Mr. Belding’s office without Mr. Belding even being visible in the shot is very awkward. Oh, and, if he looks familiar, that’s because he’s Uncle Jesse’s father from Full House. Anyway, he’s there because the school sent a letter home warning that Tommy D might flunk every course except Gym. As a result, if Tommy D doesn’t get an A on at least one “mid-year final” he won’t get the car. I smell a plot rearing its fin!
At The Max, everyone is determined to meddle in De Luca family matters. Based on an off the cuff remark about cars, the gang decide that Physics is Tommy D’s best chance for an A because if you know one thing it makes complete sense that you’ll know everything, right?
At Tommy D’s house, the gang continue tutoring Tommy D in Physics. What I’m concerned about is…what matter of sorcery is this?!?! There are two Lindsay’s in the room! I must contact the Ghostbusters! There must be some way they can fight this evil specter and air up their tires all in one convenient trip!
But the gang decide Tommy needs a little help and, since Mr. Everett, the Physics teacher, grades on a curve, they hatch a plan to sabotage the grades of Ron, Milton, and Kirby by convincing them not to study. Instead, they say that Weasel will cough and sneeze the answers to them because apparently it’s possible to have a Physics test that’s entirely true and false questions. Proving once again that the nerds at Bayside during this series are nothing like my precious Edgar, these idiot nerds fall for it.
And here’s Mr. Everett, who appears to be Milton’s father. He’s also a complete idiot because he doesn’t react at all to all the fake coughing and sneezing and all the talking gong on DURING THE FUCKING TEST! Yes, that’s the plan Scott and Weasel cough while Lindsay and Vicki sneeze and vice versa, thus confusing Ron, Milton, and Kirby and throwing off their answers.
And now it’s time for…the oral part of the Physics exam? Who the hell ever heard of a final in which a student got up in front of the class and explained something as part of her or his grade? But, yes, it’s happening my friends. Of course, it’s Tommy D at the front and he freezes up, leading to our main characters reacting in the same way I often react to this whole damned series.
In the hallway, Ron and Milton confront the gang about the fake signals. Tommy D overhears and is hella pissed because everyone has the correct impression that he’s a moron. He tells them they might as well forget about their selfish ambitions for a car because they’re not going to happen because he’s an idiot.
At Tommy D’s house, Tommy D’s father and Lindsay give Tommy D a pep talk about keeping with something even when it’s difficult and how eventually he’ll only be slightly dumb instead of incredibly moronic. Tommy D says he still has the English final left so he’s determined to write the best speech he can.
At Bayside, the gang dress Weasel up like a bug killing Mario brother in order to convince Mr. Snavely to rush home and save his precious chrysanthemums from plant eating bugs. Since Mr. Snavely seems to have an unhealthy relationship with his flowers, he rushes out in the middle of the school day, leaving Mr. Belding to cover his class and his “mid-year final, which was the gang’s hope since Mr. Belding has inappropriate boundary issues with Tommy D and might go easier on him than Mr. Snavely would.
First up is Weasel, whose speech is a persuasive speech on why every girl at Bayside should fuck him. He even has business cards for conveniently contact him.
Next is Tommy D with a speech on why you should believe in yourself. The speech is on how Tommy D knows that, if he keeps working hard, he’ll eventually get an A and stop sucking. Despite Mr. Belding’s assurances that he would not play favorites and would be tough on Tommy D, he gives Tommy D an A for his speech that comes in at a whopping twenty-nine seconds, including a brief interruption by Weasel! Yeah, I took public speaking in college. Something tells me that is not an A speech. But, whatever, the plot demands it so it happens.
And there’s not any time for anyone else’s speech so I guess they’re all getting Fs.
Eric is pissed that Tommy D is now smarter than he is and insults Tommy D, to which Megan tells Eric that he’s hella stupid and hella lame and hella not funny. She proceeds to stick her chewing gum on his nose, sending him a clear message that she doesn’t want to say goodbye a little longer. Eric is forced to look for a stupider girl because no one except our main characters are allowed to learn lessons. Yeah, that literally just came out of nowhere. This subplot may be the most underdeveloped for the series yet. Jennie B is right: it just keeps getting worse and worse.
And we end with the gang excited that they get to use Tommy D for his car after all!