When I started reviewing this series, I said that you don’t need to know a lot about the later seasons of Saved by the Bell to understand this show. This is one of the rare exceptions. Basically, what you need to know to understand this episode is that Mr. Belding received a bundle of joy during the fourth season he named Zack and often refers to as “Little Zack.” That’s all you really need to know so I won’t spoil anymore. We’ll get to that episode sometime next year.
We open with Weasel in his natural environment, a trash can. He’s scared shitless because he says Mr. Belding has been acting even more crazed than usual handing out arbitrary punishments so, of course, the natural course of action was to hide in the trash can.And, wouldn’t you know, right then Mr. Belding comes around the corner chasing the football team yelling at them for…tying their shoes in the hall? The hell…I would think even the writers of this show could come up with a better excuse for Mr. Belding to be mad at the football team than this.Next Mr. Belding yells at Lindsay and Tommy D for holding hands in the hallway which, by Saved by the Bell audience standards, is probably like third base. He also gets on Megan for drinking soda in the hallway even though he admits that’s never been a rule before.
Scott asks Mr. Belding if there’s anything he can do to make Mr. Belding’s day better and Mr. Belding is all, “Fuck off! DETENTION!” He then throws Megan’s soda in the trash can and Weasel, being a dumb ass, throws it back out. Mr. Belding demands that both Scott and Weasel come to his office for spankings.
Yeah, not that one bit of this episode makes sense, but there’s a solution to this, kids. Go tell your parents and have them file a formal complaint with the school board. If the principal is acting this erratic, there are ways to reign him in. But that would be inconvenient to the plot.
In Mr. Belding’s office…whoa, check out that sweet Macintosh! We had one of those in my fifth grade class! It was such a step up from the Apple IIe computers we had before that we thought we were in heaven! What I wouldn’t give to be playing Oregon Trail on one of those right now rather than reviewing this crappy ass show!Anyway, the three enter Mr. Belding’s office as the phone is ringing. Mrs. Belding is on the other end and we learn that Mr. Belding is in a shitty ass mood because he hasn’t gotten any sweet poon on account of not being able to find a babysitter.Scott, like a great white, smells blood in the water and volunteers himself and Weasel to watch Little Zack. He’s all, “I was president of the babysitter’s club at Valley, just like I was on the radio station even though that was a complete lie.” Since Mr. Belding’s completely clueless, he agrees to put the life of his infant son in incompetent hands if it means he might be able to get his dick wet.
At The Max, Scott is pissed that the girls all have lives of their own and don’t want to help do women’s work and babysit. So, it falls to Scott and Weasel to watch a helpless infant for the night.
We cut to our folding chair movie theater where, because it’s one of the only sets available, Lindsay, Tommy D, Megan, and Vicki are all on dates as Weasel enters with a baby carriage that he proceeds to push down the stairs. Luckily, Little Zack was not inside and is, instead, being carried by the relatively more competent of the two, Scott. They decided that, since Little Zack was asleep, they would come see a movie because it makes complete sense to bring a sleeping baby to a loud movie.Now, throughout this review, you’ll note that Little Zack’s facial expressions sum up what we’re all thinking about this episode in the moment, starting with this one: I’m so bored to death with this episode I could just fall asleep right now. Followed by, “Why the hell do you have me in this shitty ass show? I want to go home and avoid being scarred for life!”
In perhaps the most predictable thing of this series to date, Little Zack starts crying in the theater, pissing off everyone else inside. Scott and Weasel try to get him to shut the hell up, but he’s all like, “Fuck you both. I’m gonna do what I want.” Weasel tries to give him some milk and Little Zack tells Weasel what he thinks of this.
They finally take Little Zack out to the lobby, where they continue to be unsuccessful at getting him to accept his lot as an actor on The New Class. Then, a stranger comes up and starts serenading Little Zack with song.Little Zack is all, “You’re pretty and you’re smart enough to never appear on this show again after this episode so I think I like you more than these dumb shits.” He stops crying and Scott instantly gets a hard on over this girl.
Turns out our girl is named Ashley Barrett and she’s a student at Pacific Coast High. Boy, The New Class is really inventing new schools left and right to create new plot contrivances. Ashley, rather than asking how Scott is related to the baby, assumes the baby is his little brother. Scott plays along and says that Mr. Belding is his father, which causes Weasel to have a stroke.Ashley says her mom is a photographer and needs a model for a new diaper ad. Scott not only plays along but says that Little Zack has been on the cover of “Playbaby magazine.”
Let’s think about this for a moment, The New Class writers. You just implied that Scott is saying Mr. Belding’s infant son has been in a magazine which, judging by the title, is a NAMBLA publication. Of course, these writers think that holding hands is risqué so they’ve probably never seen an issue of Playboy and probably think it’s a toy catalog.
Scott is desperate to get his dick wet since Lindsay is selfish and won’t bump her boyfriend for him, so he agrees to bring some of Little Zack’s photos to the studio the next day. Oh, and Ashley just happens to have some of her mom’s business cards in her purse, which is very odd and convenient.
Mr. Belding wants to know when Scott can babysit again and Scott offers to do so at lunch because it’s totally normal for a high school student to babysit his principal’s baby during the school day. Mr. Belding’s overjoyed at this news and gives Scott a bad touch. And not only is the gang babysitting Little Zack during the school day, but they’ve also cleared out a classroom to use for a photo shoot because the faculty and staff of Bayside are all high and didn’t notice them moving furniture out of a classroom.
The gang all start waving toys in Little Zack’s face trying to get him to smile, and Little Zack is all, “What the fuck am I doing here and why are you people in my face. I could be watching mother fuckin’ Teletubbies right now rather than dealing with this bull shit!” Weasel decides to try singing to Little Zack since it worked with Ashley and poor Little Zack just looks bewildered as Weasel sings the Gilligan’s Island theme song to him. Little Zack is all, “Fuck this shit! If it will get this dumb ass to shut the hell up, I’ll do anything! He smiles for the pictures and instantly becomes the most talented actor who’s appeared on this show so far.
She wants to have the photo shoot at 1:00 pm tomorrow and Scott agrees because obviously he can just leave school at will with his principal’s baby. The complication, of course, is that there has to be an adult present, but Scott’s all, “Don’t worry! I’ll come up with a convoluted scheme to pull this off!”
We then have the most forced dream sequence to date in the franchise as Scott imagines what it would be like to be married to Ashley, a girl he’s known for two days.
And we get some of the most disturbing images of the franchise’s twelve year run as Scott imagines Ashley and his baby as being Mr. Belding dressed in baby clothes. Be horrified at what you are about to see. It may be more disturbing than any horror movie you’ll ever see. Did they really need an excuse to dress Dennis Haskins up as a baby? Was this a scene that we just couldn’t live without? I need to wash my eyes out with acid now.
At school the next day, Scott has the gang preparing to don disguises to help him with his scheme. The problem becomes that Mr. Belding has decided to dare to spend some quality time with his son. How dare him! Scott tells the others to go stall Gwen and Ashley while he and Tommy D go take care of Mr. Belding. Why. Why is this happening. Why does anyone fall for anything these idiots say. Why is it in this universe any idiot can put on a bad disguise and fool a woman who appears to be intelligent into believing they’re Little Zack’s grandparents. WHY I ASK YOU? The stalling seems to be working at their end so let’s go find out what’s going with Mr. Belding.
Oh, look. His idea of bonding with his son is taking him to the shitty restaurant his teenaged students hang out at. Mr. Belding is trying to feed Little Zack strained brussel sprouts. Little Zack is all, “Who the fuck do you think you are? Get that spoon out of my face before I shove it up your ass!”So Mr. Belding puts on a…bad bird hat? Little Zack is all, “Yo, you scaring me dawg! You had too much angel dust today! I want my real daddy before this psycho does something to me!”Scott and Tommy D rush in and tell Mr. Belding his car has an oil leak and a flat tire because that’s Tommy D’s thing: being Mr. Belding’s personal mechanic. Mr. Belding doesn’t buy the bull shit for once, though, since his wife has the car today. So, they make up an ego stroking story that he will buy: he is being photographed for the “Principal Dad of the Year” contest. Anything that inflates Mr. Belding’s sense of self-worth is believable, so they rush over to the photo studio just as Gwen is beginning to realize every person on this show is insane.
The bull shit lasts about a minute before Weasel sexually harasses Vicki in a closet and Mr. Belding finally gets a clue and wants to know what’s going on.
Scott comes clean and this entire episode was a big waste of time because Mr. Belding didn’t care about Little Zack being photographed and actually thought it was a good idea.And, to top off the bull shit, Ashley is a complete dumb ass who has low self esteem and, despite Scott lying to her, thinks it’s sexy that he lied to be with her. And they share a kiss that makes the audience lose their shit. Of course, it’ll be the only kiss they’ll ever share since she’ll never be mentioned on the show again.And we end with…Weasel seemingly still delusional that he’s Little Zack’s grandfather.
Little Zack says this episode was a huge pile of bullshit and a waste of everyone’s time involved and doesn’t understand how this show could have lasted seven years.