The New Class Season 1, Episode 11: “Weasel Love”

Yes, if there’s something we definitely needed more of, it’s Weasel episodes. Thank goodness the writers of this show saw fit to give us one more this season.

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So remember back in high school how the solution to everything was to hold a dance? Remember how even the orchestra held a dance as a fundraiser? Me either, which must be why the writers of this show thought it would make for a good plot.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h00m33s130

We open with…Kirby, Vicki, Lindsay, and Megan…in the middle of the hallway…playing their instruments. You know what, if this is the strangest thing that happens this episode, I won’t even question it. After all, these halls have sen a lot worse than a fake classical performance. I say fake because Vicki and Kirby stop playing in the middle of he piece to argue about Kirby hitting Vicki in ribs with his bow. The music keeps on playing without a beat lost as they’re advertising, indicating that Bayside was getting in on the Milli Vanilli style. And, through the power of exposition, Lindsay tells us that the purpose of the fund raiser is to get enough money to buy a new psychic piano for the orchestra.

Scott and Tommy D, meanwhile, think that the telekinetic musical performance is hella lame because Lindsay keeps hitting them up for tickets and Kirby keeps poking them with his stick. They should be happy they’re finally getting some from somebody. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h01m47s117

Mr. Belding comes up and is excited at the fact that the LA Music Society will be at the orchestra’s performance because apparently a piano is the only thing standing between them sucking or not sucking. Why should they be excited? Why, because the LA Music Society might give Bayside’s orchestra a free trip to New York to participate in the “orchestra festival.”

Yeah, off it, Mr. Belding, you really want to go for hookers, blow, and to see Bayside: The Musical performed.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h02m06s51

Weasel comes rushing up with a long stack of paper that he says is a computer message from his pen-pal, Natalie. Yeah, the writers apparently couldn’t be bothered to do ten minutes of research and find out this is not how e-mail has ever worked. Anyway, Natalie has decided to move there from Seattle and go to Bayside because plot convenience. And, in the next scene at The Max, we’re reminded of all this all over again because he writers think everyone who bothers to watch this show has short term memory loss. Plus the fact that they’re both going to wear Gilligan’s Island hats so hey’ll recognize each other. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h03m40s205

Meanwhile Milton and Ron, a previously unnamed nerd, come into The Max and are immediately harassed by Scott and Tommy D and convinced that they have a disease called “Ringing in the Ears Due to Playing Percussion in High School Orchestras.” Proving that everyone in The New Class are idiots, they are easily convinced by the ringing of a bell behind them. They run off to quit and Scott and Tommy D are overjoyed because this means they can join the orchestra and go see Bayside: The Musical as well since naturally their are no other students with speaking parts who could take Milton and Ron’s place in the orchestra. vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m11s104

Meanwhile in walks an obvious rip off of Tori Spelling’s character from the original series. She even has the horrible snort of Tori Spelling’s character. Her name is Natalie, but I’m going to call her Not-Tori Spelling because, unlike Tori Spelling’s VIolet, we never see this character again. And just as well because she’s either blind or has low standards since she thinks Weasel is a curly haired Tom Cruise.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m42s155

Back at Bayside, it’s the return of another original series character, the orchestra teacher, Mr. Lazaar, who’s trying his damndest to get a good sound out of an incompetent orchestra.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h05m47s208

And since the casting department told him he had no other choice, Tommy D and Scott have taken Milton and Ron’s roles on cymbals and triangle  respectively. Naturally, they’re completely incompetent on two of the easiest instruments known to mankind.
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Not-Tori Spelling comes in and wants to audition for the orchestra because that’s a completely normal thing to do just a few days before a major orchestra performance. And she auditions on the piano they’re not supposed to have because they’re raising money to buy one. Of course, she’s good, possibly the best of the bunch, at fake musical playing.
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So Weasel grand stands in the middle of her audition fake playing the exact same composition she happened to be playing, and the two are named the “Dynamic Duo” of the Bayside orchestra.

Not-Tori Spelling is nervous about the dance that night because she wants to look her best if she’s going to give her virginity up to a curly haired Tom Cruise. What else could happen but Lindsay, Megan, and VIcki agreeing to give her a make-over? vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h12m29s133

At the dance, everyone is shocked because they discovered that, if you take the horrible stereotypical glasses and clothes off a Saved by the Bell nerd and replace them with a pretty dress and long flowing blonde hair, she becomes hot. So becomes Not-Tori Spelling.  vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h14m04s56

Because every guy in the Saved by the Bell universe judges women solely based on conventional physical attraction, Not-Tori Spelling is now the hottest piece of ass at the dance, and every guy in Bayside lines up for his turn on the Not-Tori Spelling Go-Round. Weasel’s upset because how on earth can he ever get a pretty, popular girl despite the fact he already has Not-Tori Spelling and despite the fact he’s always perusing Megan, who is a pretty and popular girl.
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Mr. Belding and Mr. Lazaar are practically pissing themselves they’re so happy they can finally afford to buy the new piano they already had in the previous scene. Hookers and blow. I’m telling you, that’s where the money went.

Mr. Lazaar gets Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling to come up and break in the piano they’ve had all along but apparently Weasel’s super hero weakness is pretty girls because he can no longer play with Not-Tori Spelling. Oh and we are treated to Mr. Lazaar glaring lustfully at Not-Tori Spelling. Gross.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h15m54s135

Their solution is to make Weasel Mr. Belding. The real Mr. Belding reaches down to give Weasel a comfort grope, but comes back up when Weasel nearly catches him. “Wasn’t doing anything inappropriate,” his hands try to tell us. They decide the best way to make Weasel cool is through inappropriate and unrealistic role play.
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Yes, that’s right. It’s your fantasies come true. Mr. Belding has become a hot babe, or he just came back from West Hollywood. It’s one of the two. But it’s obvious Mr. Belding has a huge boner for Scott and he’s overjoyed at Scott finally asking him out.
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Don’t the just make the cutest couple?vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h17m35s113

Weasel’s idea of seduction is to impersonate a grazing camel.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h18m10s214

And then to cry on his lover’s bosom.

At The Max, Scott tells the girls that, when they see Weasel, they should treat him like he’s the coolest thing since Elvis, because all the kids in the early ’90s were listening to Elvis apparently.

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Tommy D enters with Elvis dressed…in a shirt with lots of holes in it and women’s pants? Yeah, Tommy D convinces Elvis this is cool, and that’s why no one else at Bayside dresses like this. And the audience loses their shit, apparently because they caught sight of one of Weasel’s nipples.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h20m03s65

The girls start fighting over which one of them gets to give up their virginity to Weasel first and Weasel suddenly believes he’s God’s gift to girls.
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Back at orchestra practice, Scott and Tommy D are now multi-instrumentalists, because, once again, that’s totally how that works. Among the more weirder of their instruments is, amusingly enough, a cow bell.

Yeah, I couldn’t resist.

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Weasel comes in late dressed in his cool clothes again. He tells Mr. Lazaar that he is no longer Weasel. He’s now “the Fox.”

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Yeah, it totally works.

He’s been ignoring Not-Tori Spelling and not returning her e-mails because he says he ain’t got time for the jibber jabber. The Fox starts blowing and now it’s Not-Tori Spelling who’s intimidated and can’t play.

Yeah, not a bit of this plot makes sense. Weasel is acting conceited but being conceited doesn’t automatically make a person not be able to play music with you. But the plot demands a forced conflict, so we must go on.

But first…

Yeah, this episode is just making the pop culture references way too easy for me. And it doesn’t help that Weasel isn’t that much worse an actor than David Caruso.
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The gang goes into full meddle mode by going into the orchestra room and convincing Not-Tori Spelling to check her e-mail on her early ’90s laptop to see that Weasel is apologizing to her. And we learn that Not-Tori Spelling apparently composes her e-mails out loud.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h55m37s162

It’s actually Scott and Tommy D working the controls because somehow between them they’ve discovered enough brain cells to work Mr. Belding’s Macintosh. Having convinced Not-Tori Spelling that Weasel is apologizing to her, they do they send e-mail to Weasel from Not-Tori Spelling, because it’s apparently just that easy to fake e-mail from someone else in the early ’90s.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h57m41s120

It’s finally time for the orchestra performance and all our characters are dressed as Mormon missionaries. Before they go to word spreading the good news, they’ve got to put on a kick ass performance so they can go to New York City and see Bayside: The Musical.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-22h59m13s18

Meanwhile, Milton and Ron have discovered a brain cell between the two of them and realized they were conned for the five thousandth time by Scott and Tommy D. Their response is to handcuff the two of them together. I fail to see how this is a punishment for them.

Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling start talking and realize that the entire apology thing was bull shit. But no time for that. It’s time to start the performance.vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h00m23s201

Which includes Tommy D holding a triangle in his mouth for Scott to play. I bet there’s something else he wishes Scott would play in his mouth. Okay, okay, that one was way too easy.

In the middle of the performance, with the entire audience as their witnesses, Weasel and Not-Tori Spelling work out their differences and realize the entire conflict of the episode has been complete bull shit. And they’re apparently talking loud enough that the girls can hear them, which means they should have, by all accounts, ruined the performance. But, no, they fake play beautifully, Mr. Belding declares they’re going to New York to see Bayside: The Musical, and we end with wet sloppy kisses for Weasel. Ewww…vlcsnap-2014-06-15-23h01m53s78And the lesson, kids, is that, at the end of the day, you can always get everything you want!

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