So it’s that time I’ve hoped would eventually get here. It’s been thirteen weeks in the making. It’s the first season finale of The New Class! Hallelujah I’m one-seventh of the way through this awful, awful series!
Oh my god! I’m only one-seventh of the way through this awful, awful series!
*sobs quietly in the corner curled up in the fetus position*
We open with Scott staring lovingly into a random extra’s eyes because Muffy the Vampire Slayer rejected him last week and Rachel won’t be available to come back until the season two premier. Oh, don’t worry. This has nothing to do with anything during this episode. If it were any other show you might ask yourself why it’s even here. But this is The New Class, the show that some rightfully describe as worse than Full House.
Scott is surprised to see Mr. Belding subbing for Mr. Tuttle in the one classroom. Yeah, apparently even Mr. Tuttle laughed when offered the opportunity to reprise his character on this awful, unneeded spin-off. So, Mr. Belding gets to hear and believe Scott’s lame excuse that he got four wisdom teeth pulled. Anyone who’s had wisdom teeth pulled knows he would be at home in excruciating pain right now if that were the case, especially if they were impacted.
So three area businesses have agreed to allow Bayside students to run their livelihood’s for a week. Oh, joy. It’s a rip-off of “The Friendship Business.” Because that’s exactly what this show was missing: a rip-off of one of my least favorite episodes from the first season of the original series. Well, except for the introduction of Edgar into my life, but there will be no such grace in this episode. Oh, and to make things even better, as we’ll soon find out, all the employees of these businesses decided to just take a week off without pay so that some high school kids could do their jobs for them. How convenient!Group number one is Meat and the football jocks, who will be working at “Dottie’s Dumbell Depot.”
Group two, which includes the gang sans Scott (including Weasel, who’s enjoying pounding his head in this photo against Megan’s book) will be, *duh duh duh* RUNNING THE MAX! And we have an episode title!
And here’s our subplot for the episode: Vicki only has one more opportunity to get Scott to give her his man chowder, so she’s determined it’s going to happen!
Group number three, which include Ron and Claire, are running “IHOT,” the International House of Dry Cleaning. Okay, if such a place existed, I might consider taking my dry cleaning there, I won’t lie.
Scott’s been assigned to group three because groups in the Saved by the Bell universe have to be six people and some interloper named Homer.
Why to trifle with Claire’s heart of course! He tells her he loves her, which sends her into a hot flash and causes blow kisses to spontaneously erupt from her mouth in Scott’s direction. Scott gets out of the way and tells Homer the kisses are for him, which sends Homer on an odyssey but gets our plot moving.
Tommy D is group leader. Yeah, the dumbest guy in the cast is the group leader, and his incompetence soon shows. Scott has been assigned as a bus boy, which he hates.Lindsay is a cook while Megan and Vicki are waitresses. Oh, and Vicki wants Scott to “bus her table,” which I can only assume means fuck her ten ways to Sunday.
Meanwhile, Screech is incompetently washing dishes in…a rain coat. Oh dear.
Yeah, to make a long, long plot short, everyone sucks at their jobs and all the customers at The Max have had enough, because Hawaiian themed parties, Casey Kasem dance-offs, a horrible actor waiting tables, and a radio telethon are apparently not enough to get people to leave The Max, but slightly bad service is.
And duck the anger of the football coach cleverly named “Coach.” Wait…they already introduced a guy as the football coach EARLIER THIS SEASON? Did they forget about that or do they just not care anymore? Can no one on this show maintain continuity for longer than the attention span of a three year old? But the coach threatens to make Scott do push-ups until his grandchildren graduate if he doesn’t get the advertising off the jerseys. That’ll make procreating pretty difficult for Scott, I have to admit.
Vicki is the dish washer because she sucks at life, and Megan and Lindsay are waitresses because they have the best people skills of the gang. Oh yeah, and there’s lots of flirting between Megan and Scott, which upsets Vicki but, hey, it’s Megan’s last opportunity too!
Rounding it out is Tommy D as cook, cooking his famous meatloaf without any meat. Everyone is impressed because The Max actually has turned around, and why not? After all, it’s the smartest thing Scott’s ever done on the show. So you know now they’ve got to find a way to fuck it up since there’s still around twelve minutes left.
Mr. Belding comes in and, through the power of exposition, tells Scott that the school has agreed to cover the cost of any losses to the three businesses. I asks the same question I asked in “The Friendship Business:” where does Bayside get all this money? Is it Mafia owned? Did they buy a share in Jesse and the Rippers? Did they strike oil…again? God, it makes no sense!
Scott decides to ask what would happen if a group made a profit and Mr. Belding tells him that it’s never happened, but he guesses the group would get to keep the profit. And our plot finally advances.
So Scott’s plan is to get the coach to switch the location of the annual football banquet from the Palisades Hotel to The Max, and, as such, Scott and Weasel talk shit about the hotel to the coach until he says he can’t have his boys eating at a place like that. Scott offers up The Max and the coach goes for it, on the condition he cook up something worthy the classiness of the two gentlemen below who seem to be playing the game where you pretend to steal the other person’s nose by displaying your thumb cupped in your hand.
Karaoke with Ron! Yes, for only $10, you, too, can sing horribly off-key in an establishment that changes purposes to suit the plot of the week, and help Scott raise collateral while you’re a it!
Back at Bayside, it’s time for progress reports, starting with Meat’s group, who present Mr. Belding with their best selling dumb bell, the “Sissy Boy 3000.”
When it’s time for Scott’s group to report, everyone is asleep and exhausted except for Scott, but he reports things are going wonderfully. Tommy D and Lindsay have had enough of this bull shit and quit and Vicki soon follows when she realizes Scott’s not going to fuck her this week. Megan asks if they can pull it off without them, and we get the most pointless dream sequence of the season.
Yes, it’s Scott imagining himself doing push ups until his grandchildren graduate from high school after he fucked up the football banquet. Thanks for that, The New Class writers. That was so integral to the episode.
At The Max, Scott and Weasel are the only ones working, with Weasel making the great sacrifice of not seeing “Blossom Goes to Iraq.” Is that the one where she loses her virginity to Saddam Hussein played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar?
Well, Megan comes in and quits because her school project is eating into school time and she needs to study because she got a C+. Yay, we’re even reusing minor plot points of original series episodes now. God help us, it’s up to Scott and Weasel now, and Weasel conveniently has to go back to Bayside to get the shrimp from his locker. Yeah, his locker…
I’m not even going to question the fact that Scott and Weasel appear to be skipping out on school while the rest of the gang is at Bayside. It’s an inconsistency but, at this point, it’s the least of this show’s problems. What I will tell you is how Weasel tells Lindsay, Vicki, and Tommy D that Scott is sorry for being an asshole and this makes them instantly forgive him.
I will question why Weasel appears to have the sample photo that comes with a picture frame hanging up in his locker. Does he not have a real family to call his own?
And Vicki tries her hand at getting a hot dicking one more time.
And just in time because Weasel was planning on serving this monstrosity of Jello, bananas, peaches, and pepperoni.
But, since some stuff near the beginning actually made snese we haven’t reached our contrivance quota for the week yet so we still need one more, and we get it in the form of the power going out! But never fear, Tommy D has a plan!
And Mr. Belding and the coach say, “Isn’t this episode over yet?”
But they pull it off and the jocks love it.
And Mr. Belding pulls horrifies us by dressing like Indiana Jones as he tells the gang they all get As.
In the end, the gang discover that, due everything they had to get at the last minute, including a blown fused box even though it’s not clear that that’s their fault or responsibility, they are in the hole for $9.00. But what matters is they had fun and Lindsay leaves them with the season closing cheesy thought: Scott may have lost $9, but he gained five friends, at least until next week when they forget that he and two of the others ever existed. But, yeah, friends forever!
And that’s it for season one of The New Class! As usual, I’ll have a recap this Wednesday! And stay tuned next Monday as we discover whether this show can suck any worse than it already does. Spoiler alert: it can.