Zack Morris tells us in his monologue that the school store is also known as “Nerds R Us” as demonstrated by this nerd’s unhealthy obsession with a shell clock, whatever the hell that is. Yes, it’s time for us to see the first incarnation of the school store, which is actually in its own room. Mind you, it’s just the classroom set converted but at least it’s not just a booth in the middle of the hallway like in The New Class.
This is a school store that also has at least four staff employees, including Kelly. Where the hell does Bayside get the money to fund all this shit? Is Mr. Belding secretly using the store as a front for caffeine pill smuggling? Also, it’s apparently a school store that allows all its inventory to be chosen by the student employees.
The gang develop a plan to get Mr. Belding to put Zack Morris in charge of the school store, and Mr. Belding laughs to see such sport, suggesting he’d rather Zack Morris put a hit out on him. Zack Morris decides to convince Mr. Belding by demonstrating how much sales are down, because that’s totally why high schools have a school store: to make a profit. After telling Mr. Belding that the nerds’ bestselling product is pale flesh colored Band-Aids, Zack Morris immediately contradicts himself by showing Mr. Belding a bunch of blank sheets of paper and telling him that’s the sales figures. They sold Band-Aids but made nothing on them. How does that work again?
Since it moves he plot along, Mr. Belding acquiesces to Zack Morris’s request and puts him in charge. The next day, he’s hired the rest of the gang to work there, and his new stock, which he somehow go a super rush on, includes cup holders, Bayside t-shirts and sweats, a ball with a drunk face on it, and something that, judging by the signage, is apparently AMAZING!
The nerds come in to have a sit-in until they’re scared off by security, Slater, who does the growl he does with Zack Morris in bed to scare them away.
The gang decide they need a gimmick to get customers in the store and, as the girls are going to swim team practice since the episode needed them to suddenly be on the swim team and Screech is going to photography club because the episode needed that too, Zack Morris decides these two things might go together in the form of snapping illicit photos.
Ladies and gentleman, Screech’s worst disguise yet. He was supposed to have been in the pool taking pictures and even has water in the snorkel, but notice that his shirt and shorts are not wet nor is their any water anywhere on his body. So…was the water in the snorkel part of his disguise then?
Zack Morris’s plan is to use Screech’s photos to create a “Girls of Bayside” calendar which…all things considered…is actually one of Zack Morris’s better plans. Of course, he goes to the magic printing press next to the radio station in the basement and…
By the next day, has lots of the calendars ready for sale and a line full of extras waiting to buy them! It’s amazing how fast the wheels of progress can turn when you have horrible writers on staff!
That Zack Morris’s magic printing press also has the ability to print cardboard cut outs! Really, the timeline on this episode is ridiculous, even by Saved by the Bell standards. It’s like Zack Morris has connections with the Chinese Mafia to where he can obtain anything he wants in a short amount of time.
And these are the photos that Screech took in the water with an underwater camera? Pictures of the girls posing completely dry and smiling at the camera, with Lisa even saluting the camera. And they didn’t know that the camera was there? Are they blind or just stupid?
But, woo hoo! Ms. December is hot stuff! Slater comments on how hot ass Mr Belding is in a bathing suit and Jessie promptly assaults him. All three girls want the calendars to be pulled off the shelf and, when Zack Morris refuses, they take their case to a higher authority.
In Ms. December’s office, the lovely model takes the side of the girls because of feminism and privacy and stuff. And, just as Mr. Belding orders the calendars be recalled and destroyed, a stranger enters!
This is Adam Trask, who barges into Ms. December’s office saying he’s a photographer with Teen Fashion Magazine and thinks the pictures in the calendar are great masturbatory material. Adam wants to do a photo spread of the three people in the calendar who the producers were willing to pay to appear, and Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Inner beauty! Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee!” until Adam tells her their pictures will be seen around the world.
And she’s ready for her close-up, Mr. DeMille because fame is apparently more important to Jessie than her principles.
Now forget all the stranger danger stuff you had hammered into you since kindergarten because everyone completely trusts Adam despite the fact that he just wandered in off the street with a calendar full of teenage girls and now wants to take more photos, because you should always let strangers who haven’t even proven their identities take lots of photos of you.
And, since the writers figured they didn’t want to waste their one opportunity to use the school store set, Adam takes some photos in their, because when I think sexy girls, I think school supplies in the background.
The magic printing press was running all night again and the magazine with the girls’ picture is already out. The girls think they look like hot shit and Slater’s jealous that he wasn’t asked to model.
Adam tells the girls that his editor has decided he wants one of them on the cover of their anniversary issue and he picks Kelly because she’s the one whose pictures he’s gotten the most use from. After the girls agreed not to get angry at who would be picked, they immediately start fighting…
Until Screech does his Gollum impersonation that is.
Adam tells Kelly the best news is that he’s taking her to Paris for a month because he can more easily take the sorts of photos he wants to if the meddling adults aren’t around, and because high school students can just take off for a month of school at a time at their discretion. Yeah, that’s totally how that works. Naturally, everyone is overjoyed that Adam is going to commit statutory rape in Paris except for Zack Morris, who believes Kelly will immediately forget about him upon stepping foot in French soil.
After eavesdropping on the girls’ conversation, Zack Morris learns that Kelly is leaving tomorrow because Saved by the Bell time is apparently sped up. Zack Morris goes into shit face mode by mentioning all the things that Kelly won’t be around for, like the swim meet and Slater’s science project, hoping it’ll make her feel guilty because all that matters is Zack Morris and what he wants and, besides, Kelly is Zack Morris’s property and needs to learn her place.
He also gets Screech to cry hysterically as he walks by so he can tell Kelly she’s going to miss Screech’s birthday since that episode was aired out of season and they haven’t established when his birthday is yet in airing.
So the manila envelope contains Kelly’s assignments for the entire month that she’s gone. Really. They aren’t even trying at this point in the episode. I think the writers decided to go on vacation to Paris themselves rather than finish writing this.
The gang is bummed because Kelly can’t go to The Max for a farewell lunch because she has to skip school to go home and pack. After she leaves, Zack Morris convinces them all not to go to the photo shoot that Kelly is apparently having today for some bizarre reason. Yeah, I guess they needed one more scene with Adam so they just said, “What the hell! Let’s take more photos!”
At the photo shoot, Kelly’s taking lots more illicit photos for Adam’s personal collection when Zack Morris comes in and tells her that the gang is hella pissed at her for going off for a month and that’s why they didn’t come to the shoot.
An upset Kelly tells Adam she can’t go to Paris and runs out. Adam quickly deduces that Zack Morris is cock blocking him and tells him he’s a piece of shit that just cost him the one opportunity for nudie pics of Kelly since he’ll never be on this show again.
The scene ends with a sad Zack Morris as we dissolve into Kelly’s room, who’s frantically trying to call Lisa and apologize. And, in an age before cell phones were popular, Lisa apparently has her own line and answering machine since we hear her voice and name on it and not her family’s.
Zack Morris comes in and tells Kelly how much of a piece of shit he’s been suddenly acting during the last quarter of this episode and says he was feeling extremely insecure because the writers needed more conflict than the usual Jessie being pissed off about the calendar because feminism. So what is Kelly’s response you ask. Does she finally see how horrible a person Zack Morris is and dump him?
Why, no, Kelly’s response is, “Oh, Zacky-wacky you silly willy! I’m going to love you forever because I’m horribly insecure and codependent, unless of course a college guy works at The Max next season and seduces me away from you! But what are the odds of that happening?” And they seal their forever love with a kiss, which causes he audience to lose their shit.And we end with the reveal that the gang was loitering in Kelly’s hallway waiting for the happy ending to give her a send off. Boy, that would have been really awkward if Kelly had reacted like a normal person, dumped Zack Morris’s ass, and told him to get the hell out of her house and life forever.
Firsts: The store.