Love them or hate them, the Malibu Sands episodes of Saved by the Bell are some of the most remembered episodes of that series. So it was inevitable that The New Class would come up with a cheap, derivative knock off.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present, the Palisade Hills Country Club!
Now remember last week I told you to remember that it was the first week of school? Well, now it’s summer again and all eight of our The New Class cast members are here! Now, there’s a basic problem with this: either it happens ten months from the last episode during the last summer, or it happened the previous summer in between seasons one and two. If it happens in ten months, it doesn’t make sense given the events to come around relationships. If it happened last summer, it makes absolutely no fucking sense given the fact that we just introduced four new fucking cast members! Did they think no one would fucking notice!
Now I suppose it’s possible to rationalize Rachel, Bobby, and even Brian, but you know who can’t be rationalized?
Fucking Screech. And you know why? Because, according to the last episode, he hadn’t yet returned to Bayside! My god, these writers are throwing darts aren’t they? They haven’t any fucking clue what’s going on with continuity!
So Mr. Belding is the general manager for the summer and Screech is his assistant. Wait…I can believe that Screech, as a college student and intern, could use the money. But they do realize that most principals in the Los Angeles area make six figures, right?! Even if Mr. Belding is at the low end of income, he’s still up to at least $80,000 a year! We know he has a wife and only one child. Why does he need a summer job? Does he have illegal gambling debts? Is he in the hole for his caffeine pill fix?
And it just keeps getting better as Screech has hired our gang to work at the country club for the summer, and they’re all dressed as if they’re ready to have fun rather than work, including Bobby who was apparently wearing a pool float, goggles, and a snorkel in Tommy D’s van.
And up pulls our new Mr. Carosi, except this time it’s Mr. Harrington, the president of the country club, played by that guy from WKRP in Cincinnati. Not the cool guy who went on to star in Head of the Class but that other guy who was always a pain in the ass on the show. Yeah, I don’t buy that this guy is supposed to be threatening. He is one person on an elected board. Even if he hates everything, the rest of the board can override him. He’s not making a very realistic target of conflict. But the show must go on so he’s pissed that Tommy D’s van dares block him from getting directly to the door because his home made barbecue sauce for the country club barbecue is spoiling in the trunk. Yeah, he comes off as a jack ass whose only purpose on the show is to cause conflict with Mr. Belding.
Oh, and Screech sticks his hand in the sauce because Screech is a fucking moron, meaning it should no longer be fit for human consumption but they’ll probably eat it anyway. Oh, and there’s a running gag throughout the episode that I hope is not a permanent thing where Screech walks like the Scooby-Doo gang trying to sneak around a haunted house. It’s really annoying and makes no sense. And Mr. Harrington’s car is sent off with the new valet parking attendant, Tommy D, because insurance companies totally don’t mind sixteen year olds parking cars at expensive country clubs.
It’s time to see where everyone will be working and first is Brian, who’s working as pool attendant, meaning he has to put sunblock on really old women. Seriously, that’s all we see him do in his job this episode. I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.
Next, after Screech puts on some dry clothes, it’s time for Bobby to learn the ins and outs of being a caddy, and Mr. Harrington is his first client. So, natural, a combination of reckless driving, failure to secure the golf bag, and idiocy means that Mr. Harrington’s bag fall down go boom!
Mr. Harrington looks like he wants to punch Screech as Screech tells him that he’s overreacting that his idiocy may have damaged the golf clubs. Yeah, isn’t this grounds for firing right here? Naturally, the thing to do is for Screech and Bobby to test every single club to make sure it still works, despite Mr. Harrington telling him specifically not to.
Screech tells Mr. Harrington that he’s a properly trained idiot and knows what he’s doing, and Bobby proceeds to throw a club into the water trap. Really, there was not even an attempt to make it look like Bobby swung and lost control. It was just a straight up throw.
Mr. Harrington’s ten seconds of mild yelling attracts the attention of the girl who saved Screech’s idiot life at the pool, who drives up to the group. It turns out her name is Alison and she will be joining us for no other purpose over this story arc than to give Screech a hard on. Gross. Meanwhile, Screech invites himself to lunch with the Harringtons because plot.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding is excited to show Megan his meat and, through the power of exposition, we find out it’s for the barbecue, which is country and western themed.
Megan and Lindsay are waitresses because their brief tenure at The Max apparently qualified them for it. Tommy D comes in and invites Lindsay out for a spin in Mr. Harrington’s car, which sounds like a perfectly good idea through which nothing could possibly go wrong. Megan tells her to go since they’re not busy.
Which, by either coincidence or contrivance, just happens to be in the path of Tommy D and Lindsay driving Mr. Harrington’s car. We’re told that there’s a big dent in the car but the prop people were too busy to put a dent in the car in order to demonstrate this to us, the viewers, so they just tell us about it.
Tommy D decides to fix the dent himself and uses Rachel’s nail polish to replace the paint. Yeah, something tells me that wouldn’t work outside the wacky Saved by the Bell universe.
Meanwhile, Screech and the Harringtons arrive at the restaurant for lunch, where Screech promptly gives bad customer service by telling a customer about a fake rat in the restaurant so she’ll leave and he can have the table.
Mr. Belding comes in, sees the restaurant understaffed, and cock blocks Screech by making him fill in for Lindsay despite the fact that we can see a host behind them not doing anything but talk on the phone. Guys, if an extra is going to detract from the believably of an episode, maybe he shouldn’t be there! By the time Screech is done being a shitty ass waiter, the Harringtons are done eating, and we’re supposed to feel sorry that Screech won’t be getting his dick wet in Alison’s fertile downstairs area.
The gang meanwhile brings the damaged piece of Mr. Harrington’s car to dry under a fan in the kitchen. Megan has reservations since that means unplugging the freezer with Mr. Belding’s meat in it, but they do it anyway because conflict.
Bobby sucks ass at covering for Tommy D at valet parking, mostly because he doesn’t have his driver’s license, and Mr. Belding and Screech come out to find out what the hell is going on. Just at that moment, conveniently as if bad writing dictated it, Mr. Harrington comes out looking for his car and Tommy D comes driving up in it.
Everything’s fine until Tommy D hits the side, causing the left headlight, which Brian didn’t hit at all, to just fall out of the car. Come on, at least make it believable!
After a commercial break, Mr. Belding has fired all the kitchen staff so he could demote the gang, even Megan, who had nothing to do with the car incident, to kitchen staff. Screech smells a distinct odor and, no, it’s not his rancid underarms but, rather, Mr. Belding’s meat spoiling since they forgot to plug the freezer back in, and Mr. Belding tells them not to come in tomorrow.
But they do show up the next day, at 6:00 a.m. nonetheless, and 6:00 a.m. in California apparently means that the sun is blaring down directly overhead. The gang find Screech and say they want to make things right for Mr. Belding, and the seven of them formulate a plan.
And it’s complete with a sucky ass pig made out of canned ham and pineapple. Yeah, that’s really convincing. Looks more like a paper mache statue which, knowing this show, it probably is.
Yes, we have to endure Screech singing and Alison actually liking it, because she’s tone deaf I guess. And the lyrics?
I’m a young Hawaiian guy,
I look at you and start to sigh,
I thank the stars above,
And hug you daily,
And sing you songs of love,
On my ukulele,
Don’t make me blue,
Come sit in my canoe,
Oh, come on! They couldn’t even get the meter right? They weren’t even trying on this one! This makes their song at the play last season look Grammy worthy by comparison! Screech must have let Little Zack write the lyrics. That’s the only explanation for it!
We have to have a happy ending so Mr. Belding gives the gang their old jobs back despite the marked incompetence they’ve each displayed throughout this episode because putting on a shitty luau makes everything alright, and we close with Screech and Mr. Belding falling in the pool because…I guess this episode is all wet?
Firsts: Mr. Harrington, Alison Harrington, Palisade Hills Country Club.