This episode wastes no time in getting right to the plot as we open with Mr. Belding telling the employees of the country club that there will be a members verses employees tournament Sunday and, if the employees win, the members will serve them for a day. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen. I’m in such suspense.
Mr. Harrington randomly pulls up to talk smack about the employees and we find out that, in the seven years he has been club president, the members have never lost. GEE, I WONDER WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN? I mean it’s not like this plot is completely cliché and has been done a thousand times, including on the original series. Oh, and I’m fast seeing that they’re playing Alison off as a character who thinks Screech can do no wrong and her father can do no right.
Playing tennis will be Brian and Rachel. Rachel sucks ass so Brian is there to give her some lessons. Riveting stuff let me tell you. Screech comes up with a letter from Rachel’s boyfriend, David, which begs the question why Rachel’s now getting her mail at the country club. As she runs off to stroke her lady boner that David remembers she exists, we get what’s intended to be a comedy scene with the ball machine breaking and throwing lots of balls at Screech. I bet it’s not the first time he’s had lots of balls thrown at him.
Rachel comes back upset because David has decided not to come home this summer and is, instead, going to Europe. Rachel tells us she only took this job because David is a member here, which is the first we’ve heard of this, and decides she needs to quit since there’s no other reason to have a summer job than seeing your boyfriend.
Meanwhile, our swim team consists of Lindsay, Megan, and Bobby, who does a pratfall into the water, supposedly because he was stung by a bee. Once again, such exciting stuff. I’m so glad I get to review this series every week for the next six seasons. Please ignore the sobbing you may now be hearing.
Meanwhile, we have Snotty McSnotty-Pants over here, aka Todd, whose sole purpose in this episode is to provide conflict as he wants Lindsay and thinks Tommy D is too working class for her.
Tommy D is apparently supposed to be on the swim team as well, but it appears as if no one bothered to check and see if he could swim before they signed him up for said team. That would be something you should find out, and it’s interesting that even Lindsay doesn’t know this. Their relationship is such a close, special bond.
Mr. Belding is practicing golf against Mr. Harrington when Screech comes in and conveniently mows him down with a golf cart, putting him out of the tournament. Alison suggests Screech fill in and, despite the fact that we just saw last week that Screech knows how to properly swing a golf club, he does one of the weird little Screech-isms the writers of The New Class have him do when they’re desperately trying to get a laugh by having him swing the club every which way over his head like a mad man and still manage to hit the ball nearly to the hole. It’s a miracle, almost like a contrivance if you will!
After the commercials, Brian is upset that Rachel is quitting and venting his frustration about how it will impact him to Bobby because everything is about Brian and how he feels. Brian decides to send Rachel a telegram pretending that it’s from David to convince her to stay since it’s the 1890s and telegrams are the popular mode of communication for high school students and Casey Kasem.
Meanwhile, everyone is ragging on Tommy D because he can’t swim. Now, ready to confuse the timeline of these episodes even more? Mr. Belding says that Little Zack is three and can surf despite the fact that we saw Little Zack last season as a baby. WHEN THE FUCKING FUCK ARE THESE EPISODES SUPPOSED TO TAKE PLACE? It makes my head hurt!
Alison comes up and strokes Screech’s ego a little more about the golf game as Mr. Harrington comes up and invites Screech to dinner with them because he was impressed. Oh, and Mr. Harrington refuses to allow them to substitute anyone for Tommy D because it would be against the rules.
The natural course of action is to teach Tommy D to swim in less than a week using a paddle board and floaties. At the same time, this random little girl is beating him at swimming because he sucks ass.
The first person Rachel naturally sees after receiving the telegram is Brian because plot. She tells him the telegram solved all her angst because David is coming home which means she now has a reason to be at the club for the summer.
At dinner, Mr. Harrington is practically sucking Screech’s dick as he laughs at Screech’s unfunny jokes and proposes toasts to his new best friend forever. As Mr. Harrington gets up to clean up some wine Screech spills on him, a random club member tells Mr. Harrington he hears that Screech might beat Mr. Harrington in the tournament, to which Mr. Harrington replies that Screech will do anything for him. Anything.
And they start the tournament with the tee off of the golf portion. Naturally, Screech is already beating Mr. Harrington.
In tennis, Brian and Rachel are losing badly so Brian sabotages their opponents’ game by pointing out to the wife of the team that her husband isn’t letting her hit any balls because she’s a woman and women folk suck ass at tennis.
This pisses her off and she starts trying to hit every ball but she really does suck ass, giving Brian and Rachel a new advantage.
Meanwhile, Mr. Harrington, the great stickler of rules, is moving Screech’s ball to force him to take a penalty stroke and none of the dozens of spectators seem to notice. Screech has the power of contrivance on his side, though, and still manages to hit the ball toward the green despite it being behind a tree.
In swimming, Tommy D’s magical swimming abilities aren’t enough to allow the employees to win the swimming portion of the competition. Todd talks some more smack and Lindsay calls him a loser and pushes him in the pool, because that’s perfect revenge.
Good god, I never wanted to see Screech shake his ass while he is playing golf. That was definitely on my list of things I never wanted to see.
But, yeah, the golf game is down to the next stroke…for some reason. Mr. Harrington misses an easy shot. He tells Screech that he has to miss the next shot on purpose or he’ll never let Screech see Alison again because Alison is a woman and women are the property of their fathers until they are married off, at which time they become property of their husbands.
But, yeah, of course Screech makes the hole and the employees win.
Rachel says she’s glad she didn’t quit and Bobby accidentally lets out he knew what was in the telegram despite the fact that she didn’t tell him about it. Brian confesses that he wrote the telegram and, instead of telling Brian to fuck off and quit trying to interfere in her relationship, Rachel tells Brian she thinks it’s touching that he wants to stalk her all summer and tells him she’s staying.
Alison finds out her father’s scheme and tells him he lost fair and square and to load Screech’s bags onto the golf cart.
And we end our episode with Screech and Alison riding away on the back of the cart as Alison asks Screech what he wants her to do for him since she’s also a member of the club. NO, END THE EPISODE NOW! I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT SCREECH WANTS ALISON TO DO FOR HIM!
Firsts: Rachel’s boyfriend has a name (David).