Monthly Archives: August 2014

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 17: “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo”

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We open with Slater and Jessie playing a rousing game of “Got Your Nose!” It’s the game all infants enjoy!vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h36m24s183

Zack Morris reminds Kelly they’ve been going steady for sixty-eight days, which is probably as much news for her as it is for us considering the ending of last week’s episode. Either these writers can’t keep their timelines straight or NBC is airing the episodes out of order again. I can believe either one. Of course, there’s always possibility number three: they don’t give a shit.

Slater and Jessie exchange some sexually suggestive dialogue that I think involves Jessie’s boobs and how Slater wants to see them shake. I’m surprised that this made it to Saturday morning television. Don’t worry, Slater. In three years, Jessie will make a horrible movie that will feature her boobs prominently. Oh and Slater’s sexually suggestive nickname for Jessie is “Honey Lips.” Could they get any more risque? Next they’ll have the Honey Nut Cheerios bee dancing seductively.

Zack Morris and Kelly tell Jessie and Slater that they’ve basically been going out since the prom so they should just fuck and get it over with. Once again, this is news to us, the audience, since a plot point earlier this season was that Slater hadn’t asked Jessie out again since the prom. Remember, Zack Morris? You tried to give him horrible dating advice on your shitty 900 number.

Kelly says Slater and Jessie should just make it official. Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Power to my pussy! Down with the man!” and Slater’s all, “Whatever will get me in Jessie’s pants.” So they don’t want to go steady because Jessie thinks it will be oppressive. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h36m54s233

They end this timeline contradicting scene with a kiss that the audience loses their shit over.

At Bayside, Lisa gives us some exposition that school gossip claims Slater and Jessie are a couple. Magically, in the space of a scene transition, Jessie dropped her feminist caricature and decided to date Slater. Kelly suggests they celebrate with a date Saturday and the audience loses their shit again as they exchange sweet nothings that would make the Little Rascals blush.

Zack Morris suggests to Kelly that they should do something special for their ten week anniversary on Saturday since that’s such a crucial anniversary. Kelly says she can’t because Todd Winfield is in town, who is apparently her rich, Mel Gibson-like ex-boyfriend. So does that mean he spouts anti-Semitic slurs at police and makes snuff films about Jesus? I want to know when these two dated considering how much both Zack Morris and Slater were up Kelly’s ass last season. Was it before the giant move from Indiana?

Yeah, predictably, Zack Morris being Zack Morris is threatened by other testosterone even breathing on Kelly.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h40m06s90

At The Max, there’s a wacky misunderstanding about where Jessie’s and Slater’s date will be. Uh, oh! They both bought tickets before they bothered to consult the other because they’re both dumb asses! What’s more, they both bought tickets to something it should have been obvious the other won’t enjoy: Jessie to ballet and Slater to a football game! This is so wacky! All this really reminds me of is that there was a time people wanted to see the Raiders.

Jessie’s hella pissed and says that Slater is a sexist pig for not enjoying ballet. I think there’s a flaw in her logic there. Slater tells her to fuck off and they both decide to fuck off.

Zack Morris comes in and tells Kelly that, since she’s his property, she forbids him to see Todd Winfield. Kelly tells him to eat Screech’s dick and gives him back his ring as she storms out.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h41m57s182

Back at Bayside, there’s a council meeting and there’s some boring shit about Jessie wanting to cut the sports teams jerseys to unilaterally create a dance department.
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The four guys present, including Moose and, for some reason, one of the geeks from “Model Students”, are against getting rid of the sports jerseys. I get Moose, but why the hell does the nerd care? After all, we’ve previously established no nerds enjoy sports in the Saved by the Bell universe.

War breaks out between the boys and the girls since all boys love sports and hate dance and all girls love dance and hate sports.
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Everyone starts fighting so much Mr. Belding breaks his gavel. He brings Zack Morris, Slater, Kelly, and Jessie into his office. There’s some heated name calling like “Meat Head” and “Skinny Lips.” After hearing their exaggerated grievances, Mr. Belding receives a phone call from Mrs. Belding and tells the four they should learn from his superior relationship. We find out Mrs. Belding has a first name (Becky), and Mr. Belding has a falling out with his wife because she wants her mother to stay in their house. I can almost hear the *wah wah wah* music.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h46m45s3At The Max, Mr. Belding is having an inappropriate moment with Screech talking about the fall out of his relationship. Doesn’t he have friends or family that he can do this shit with? We also find out The Max was once an Italian restaurant when he was a kid because that’s what all the kids loved, back before a shitty magician bought it and made it a diner where nobody ever eats the food.
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Mr. Belding has a tender moment where he puts Screech in a headlock and tells him he wishes he had someplace to go.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h47m25s99

We cut to Zack Morris and Slater staring at the phone and waiting for the girls to come back groveling.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h47m58s205

Mr. Belding follows Screech to Zack Morris’s house. This…is getting creepy. Don’t Zack Morris’s parents think it’s strange the principal of their son’s school is hanging out at their house with high schoolers? He would have had to go through the living room to get to Zack Morris’s bedroom, right?
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And Mr. Belding fulfills his fantasies of sleeping in Zack Morris’s bed? Oh, Zack Morris has now had Screech and Mr. Belding in his bed! Yeah, Mr. Belding says men have to stick together and that men don’t need women; women need men.
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We cut to…the girls needing the guys. Lisa’s the voice of reason and tells the girls they should try seeing things from the other person’s perspective. She also tells them they need to swallow their pride and make up. Lisa then proceeds to tell them she’s going to do it for them since she doesn’t have much else to do this episode.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h49m57s123

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding bought pizza for the guys. Seriously, where are Zack Morris’s parents? This is getting rather creepy the longer Mr. Belding is in Zack Morris’s bedroom! The four do their “man cheer,” which is just the four of them burping in unison. You know, disturbingly, I hear that’s a sexual fetish in some groups.

Lisa comes in and expresses mild surprise that Mr. Belding is there but takes his explanation of, “Bonding with my boys,” very nonchalantly. Seriously, it’s like nobody gives a second thought to a high school principal hanging out with his students in their bedrooms. Lisa tells Zack Morris and Slater that Kelly and Jessie want to make up.
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Mr. Belding convinces Zack Morris and Slater that making up is stupid and they should remain sexless virgins forever and hang out with him. They tell Lisa to tell the girls, “Thanks but no thanks,” and Lisa’s like, “Whatever, I’m getting out of this stupid scene!”vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h52m13s192

The next morning, Zack Morris hallucinates Kelly in his bedroom wearing a Dukes of Hazard outfit. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h53m36s7

He sees her in his mirror.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h54m03s25

And coming out of his closet. Yeah, that last one.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h54m25s224

At Bayside, Slater gives some gratuitous fan service in the locker room as Zack Morris comes in. They decide that listening to their possible pederast principal was a bad idea and they need to get back with their girls. vlcsnap-2014-08-17-12h56m18s96

Mr. Belding comes in, now living at the school because that’s totally allowed. Where did he put on that shaving cream? Is he just walking through the school wearing shaving cream and a bath robe?
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After Mr. Belding suggests a guy’s night out involving tacos and bowling, Zack Morris warps the laws of time and space to tell us, the viewer, that he has a plan to get rid of Mr. Belding and get their girls back. He then proceeds to use his phone to order flowers for both Beldings from each other. So how does warping the laws of time and space work? Does it only freeze people in the general vicinity of Zack Morris but not florist employees?
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Mr. Belding assumes flowers means his wife has caved so he decides to go home and cancel tacos and bowling. He says he’s her little “whoopey whoopey” and goes home to his wife who will soon confirm that this was another Zack Morris scheme.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h01m08s120

Slater and Zack Morris give each other air kisses and say they’ll always have each other.
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Cut to The Max, which has nicely allowed Zack Morris and Slater to use it as a place to meet Jessie and Kelly after hours when the employees have gone home. The Max must really trust our gang since they’re the primary six customers. I think our gang just gets whatever the hell they want because they have blackmail on Max.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h02m22s140

They sit at a table conveniently labeled with a printed sign on it for Kelly and Jessie.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h02m28s215

Zack Morris comes out and says this is “What I Should Have Said Theater.” He also does his best Touched by an Angel impression since a light shines down on him out of nowhere.
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Lisa comes out dressed as Beyonce to play the role of Jessie. Slater’s all, “My feelings don’t matter and I should have just caved to an activity I dislike in order to please you because that’s the foundation of all great relationships!”vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h03m38s141

Slater proceeds to strip off his clothes and dance throughout The Max, because I needed a reminder of what Slater looks like in spandex. The audience loves Slater in spandex so much that they nearly have a heart attack from how much they lose their shit. I think someone may need first aid.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h04m17s16

Meanwhile, Kelly’s been taking too many caffeine pills since she now resembles Screech in a Blossom wig. Zack Morris tells our caffeine pill overdosing Kelly that he thinks it’s great she’s still friends with her ex-boyfriend, trusts her completely, and would say anything to get some more of that sweet sweet poon.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h05m25s165

The girls instantly forgive Zack Morris and Slater and there’s one more excuse for the audience to lose their shit. I hope there weren’t any old people with heart conditions in the audience for this episode because they have been emotional for a record number of times.vlcsnap-2014-08-17-13h05m35s25And we close with caffeine pill overdosing Kelly crying because she doesn’t know which bathroom to use. Yay, gender confusion. Classy way to end an overly sappy, sometimes creepy episode you guys.

Firsts: Mrs. Belding’s first name (Becky), Zack Morris and Kelly go steady, Slater and Jessie go steady.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 7: “The People’s Choice”

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We open with Lindsay, Megan, and some extras locked out of their chemistry room because their teacher hasn’t shown up. They’ve called Screech to open the class but, in the meantime, Megan seems to think that pulling on the door really, really hard will open it. Sorry, Megan. She-Ra you are not.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h07m52s89

Since Screech is an idiot, he hears “unlock the Chemistry room” as “there’s a fire burning out of control.” So, rather, than pull the fire alarm and evacuate, he shows up with a fire extinguisher to put out the non-existent blaze. Screech is pissed off that they would dare expect him to do his fucking job.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h08m40s8

The boys come down and Tommy D and Brian want Screech to fix their squeaky locker. Okay, that’s not his job but he can pass it off to someone who can do something about it.

Next, Mr. Belding wants Screech to help him put together the booklets for his PSAT review session. Screech is pretty upset that Mr. Belding would dare ask an administrative assistant to do secretarial duties despite the fact this is what an administrative assistant does. What did Screech think this job would entail: sitting around masturbating with the gang all day?
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Milton and Ron come around with the latest issue of the Bayside Breeze and are upset no one wants to read thrilling headlines such as, “Retainer Found on Cafeteria Tray.” Mr. Belding suggests they talk to their faculty adviser, to which Ron tells him that their adviser quit. Um, I’m pretty sure that would mean they wouldn’t be able to run the paper anymore since school activities do require an adviser.

Screech convinces Mr. Belding to make him the new newspaper adviser because…plot. vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h10m39s204

At The Max, the gang is taking a love quiz from Hip Teen magazine and we’re back to tired cliches of Bobby trying to get it on with Megan and Megan rejecting him, despite the fact that we’ve had three episodes in a row where their romance seems to be kindling.

Screech comes in and recruits the gang to be the new staff on the newspaper because their experience reading Hip Teen magazine means they’re qualified to improve the paper. The gang are all, “Sure, otherwise we won’t have anything to do if Milton and Ron get all the glory!”
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We’re back at Bayside where Lindsay, the new sports reporter, is interviewing Spike about the upcoming state football championship in San Francisco. You’ll notice that Spike’s been on the team so long he’s outgrown his jersey. That’s what happens when men in their thirties play on high school football teams.

Brian is assigned to be the advertising manager but he can’t convince any of the school clubs to buy advertising space. Um, that’s because you’re fucking trying to get a bunch of high school kids to buy advertising space! As I recall, my school paper featured advertisements from local businesses hoping to increase their share in the teen market. I think there’s a certain restaurant our regulars are constantly at that may buy space!

Next Lindsay interviews a member of the girl’s swim team about their year. Bayside is tied with Valley for first place but it just so happens that, as the interview is going on, another member rushes in to tell her that Valley lost to “Ruse-a-velt,” which means Bayside gets to go to the state swimming championships in San Diego.

Gee, where do I start. First of all, I’m sure they meant “Roosevelt” but the actress they brought in off the street didn’t know how to pronounce the name of a school that also happens to be the surname of two former United States Presidents. As a result, they pronounce it the way any eight year old who grew up in Asia and is now learning English would.

Second, I’m pretty sure that, if Bayside and Valley were tied, the championship would just be between the two of them. What changes just because Valley lost a game? Bayside and Valley are still the two best teams in the state. What’s sad is there’s not even a reason for this plot hole as they could have just said the fucking swimming team was going to the state finals.
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But there’s no time for logic and reason as photo editor Bobby takes the duo’s photo for the paper.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h13m47s38

In the journalism room, Brian is prostituting himself to Claire in order to get the chess team to buy advertising in the paper. Since he’s following in the steps of blonde Saved by the Bell assholes before him, he tells her how pretty her eyes are and she buys space because complimenting a woman is all it takes to get her to spend money.

Tommy D is the food critic and, naturally, he completely sucks at the job because he’s almost as much an idiot as Screech. But don’t worry. This plays no further role in the episode. Also, it seems Screech fired Milton and Ron for being Milton and Ron since they’re not in the journalism room and they’re not seen again in this episode.

Lindsay comes in and tells the gang that the swim team can’t go to the finals in San Diego because the athletic department is spending all their money to send the football team to their championship. I call bullshit since any competent school district will find money to send any team to a state championship because it makes for good publicity. This is the Saved by the Bell universe, though, where no one is competent and Screech suggests they use the lead story to ask why the boys get to go to their championship and the girls don’t. This means missing the PSAT review session which is apparently mandatory because Mr. Belding is feeling so alone and left out in this episode, so Screech writes them all passes to get out of it.

Megan tells Screech that he’s pretty hip and Lindsay tells him he’s the best faculty adviser ever, which gives Screech a big head and automatically makes him assume he’s getting some underage poon tonight.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h15m58s72

The next day, the bell rings and all the extras magically have papers already because Max came back and used his shitty magic to allow them to finish the paper, print it, and distribute it all in one night. 
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They decide the fact that people are reading the school paper means it’s a big hit and Rachel tells him they couldn’t have done it without him since he drafted them into joining the paper and all. Screech hasn’t learned his lesson from the last scene and once again interprets this in his favor for underage encounters.

Mr. Belding comes down and tells them he’s disappointed they couldn’t make his review session because it gets really lonely with only the extras around. Screech assures him they’ll be at the next session.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h17m16s96

Meet Mr. Doyle, Bayside’s athletic director. He wants to talk to Lindsay about her article because…she’s such a shitty journalist she didn’t bother getting the school’s side of the swim team story before writing her article? I don’t know. Let’s just pretend for the sake of my sanity that this all somehow makes sense.

At The Max Brian continues prostituting himself to Claire, who seems to be the treasurer for every stereotypical geek club in existence. 
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Meanwhile, Megan meets some guy in a horrible disguise whose name is apparently “Noogie.” I’m going to assume he wears the baseball cap to prevent others from giving him noogies. Somehow he knows Mr. Doyle is spending all the money to send the football team in first class accommodations to the state championship. Noogie tells Megan to follow the plot thread, or, in the case of The New Class, pretend it will all come together in the end.

Back in the journalism room, the staff discuss Noogie’s revelations. Tommy D wonders what’s wrong with the football team getting special treatment since he’s on the football team.

BULL FUCKING SHIT!

The New Class did two episodes about the football team last season and Tommy D wasn’t involved in either of them as a team member. What’s more, it was a plot point that Tommy D hates sports. Are we expected to believe that Tommy D’s personality has done a complete 360 in less than a season? I guess Tommy D’s hatred of sports went the same direction as Rachel’s date with Scott.

Mr. Belding comes in mad because the gang missed another PSAT review session. He tells them the PSAT is an important test that could determine the college they attend. Uh, no it won’t. There’s a reason PSAT stands for “Preliminary Scholastic Aptitude Test.” It’s basically a practice test for the SAT. As I recall, the only possible thing you can get out of it is a scholarship if you do amazingly well. It only tells you what you need more practice in for the SAT. Colleges don’t look at the PSAT at all. So bull shit on this subplot.

Screech goes to Mr. Belding and asks him to postpone the PSAT for his six lackeys because he wants to be cool. Mr. Belding tells him to fuck off because lots of people do well academically while engaging in extra-curricular activities. Mr. Belding tells Screech that, since he hasn’t had a substantial role in the episode so far, he’s not getting involved now.

Screech returns to the journalism room and the gang tell him Tommy D found a $700 receipt for snacks on the bus to the football championship. Screech tells them that the newspaper is being shut down for now because he’s going to force them all to study for a minor standardized test that will probably have no bearing on their future.
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The gang are pissed at Screech but there’s no time for that because we need a PSAT study montage.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h26m14s93

Complete with Screech hitting his students on the head with a plastic bat.
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And hiding in their lockers.

But the studying pays off when they take the PSAT the next day because…they felt prepared? Yeah, we never find out how they actually did so this subplot was only around to waste time and bore us to tears. Oh, and the PSAT is proctored by Screech and Mr. Belding because school principals and administrative assistants always administer standardized college tests.

The gang are suddenly glad that Screech made them study but they decide to pull together and put the paper out by engaging in a Screech plan, because those always work out so well.

The plan involves Tommy D telling Mr. Doyle that he can’t go to the state championship because his parents are out of town and his grandfather won’t sign the permission slip. Mr. Doyle is distressed since Tommy D is their star player. Yeah, he went from hating sports to star player in less than a season. Mr. Doyle wants to talk Tommy D’s grandfather into letting him go.
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Unfortunately Tommy D’s grandfather is Screech in a bad disguise. Since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are morons, Mr. Doyle falls for the ruse and ends up confessing the whole thing when Screech expresses concern at the conditions the players will be staying in during the championship. The rest of the gang is hiding behind Mr. Belding’s desk with a tape recorder and camera when Mr. Doyle expresses some misogynistic sentiments.
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They snap his photo for the paper.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h31m22s96

And the editors can’t maintain continuity past the scene change since it appears Mr. Doyle was so helpful in getting word of his nefarious ways out that he posed for a second photo.

Mr. Belding is pleased with the work of the paper, says that the swim team is going to the finals, and says if he has anything to do with it, Mr. Doyle will be fired and sent to Screech’s bedroom for hot passionate fucking. All turns out well.vlcsnap-2014-08-13-16h33m19s251And Claire wants to fuck Brian. So this train wreck of a show is over for another week as the gang go to write the next issue of the paper. Twenty dollars says they never mention the paper again, at least in this iteration of the cast.

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 16: “From Nurse to Worse”

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We open with a rare exterior shot of Kelly’s front door, which would look a lot more convincing if it weren’t painfully obvious it was shot on an indoor set. But if that’s this episode’s biggest problem, then we’re in for another good episode.

Zack Morris and Kelly are getting back from their romantic date seeing Ernest Goes to Jail and Zack Morris decides to ask Kelly to go steady with him. Kelly tells him she needs time to think about it and, all the while, they’re being heckled off-camera by yet another of Kelly’s siblings, Kyle, who’s being voiced by a grown man. I bring up this point only because it’s both impressive and scary how convincing this man is as a prepubescent child.
vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h09m57s21At Bayside, it’s school physical time as exemplified by Screech, who’s “cramming” for his physical. Yeah, this is going to be a running gag throughout the episode and it never really gets funny. Oh and Slater doesn’t want to get his school physical. I hope this doesn’t play into the plot!

Zack Morris comes in and tells the gang that he asked Kelly to go steady with him and they run off to spread the gossip through the school.
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After they’re gone, Zack Morris gets his books out of his locker when he’s approached by Jennifer, who’s played by that one woman who played David Hasselhoff’s boss/girlfriend for a season on Baywatch. If you watched Baywatch, you probably don’t remember her simply because you probably weren’t looking at her face very much during the show. The fact that she went on to “act” on Baywatch tells a lot about her acting on this show.

Jennifer is new to Bayside and looking for the nurse’s office. Zack Morris suddenly goes mute and uses really bad gestures to direct her there, all the while seeing her in sparkle vision. Jennifer says Zack Morris is cute and he automatically takes that as a sign she wants to fuck him.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h12m18s157

Welcome back, Miss Simpson! Okay, between Miss Simpson and Mr. Dewey, I have to admit that I’m beginning to warm up to some of the regular Bayside faculty. Once again, the running gag is that Miss Simpson is deaf as shit, which is especially relevant given that the class assignment last night was to write a poem.

First up to read his poem is Screech:

“When Morning Comes”

When morning comes, I raise my head,

Shut off the alarm and get out of bed,

I brush my teeth like mother said,

and I always feed my spider, Ted.

Deep stuff, man. He should publish this shit. At least we know now where he developed the song-writing abilities he demonstrates on The New Class.

Lisa is next:

“Ode to the Mall”

So many stores all in one place,

It brings a big smile to my face,

I love to hop from shop to shop,

and buy and buy until I drop.

I think Lisa has a future in writing cheesy advertising jingles.

Lisa is kind enough to pause in the middle of her poem as the camera goes to Kelly and she tells Zack Morris to talk to her after class because she has an answer for him.

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Mr. Belding tells the students on the intercom that they’re going to get their annual physicals and flu shots from Nurse Butcher, the school nurse, this week. Yeah, school nurses don’t give flu shots. Doctors and clinics do. Even if they did, there is no requirement in California for students to be vaccinated against the flu, which means that Bayside is forcing students to get a shot they don’t have to have. What’s worse, we find out Slater is scared of getting a flu shot, and this knowledge renders this subplot completely pointless since it shouldn’t actually be happening.

Kelly is next to give her poem.

“That Special Someone”

Those eyes so warm, that smile so bright,

I think about him day and night.

The cutest guy I’ll ever see,

And lucky, lucky, lucky me.

Did Miss Simpson not go over any of the mechanics of writing poetry with her class? Seriously, you can’t just rhyme some words and call it poetry.

Zack Morris is a complete scumbag during Kelly’s reading and has a fantasy sequence that she’s actually sparkly Jennifer. Yeah, I want to punch him in the balls right now for the inevitable plot that’s unfolding. I mean, we found out in season one that Zack Morris had been pining over Kelly for years. She finally dates him this season, and now a brief interaction with a woman he knows nothing about except her name is making him reconsider his entire relationship with Kelly. Fuck him. Fuck him in the ass with a baseball bat.

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But there’s no time to dwell on this as Zack Morris, Jessie, and an extra are called to the nurse’s office for their physicals. We get our second subplot of the episode after Jessie fails her eye test and Nurse Butcher tells her that she needs glasses. Caffeine pills have ruined Jessie’s eye sight and now she’s near sighted. She automatically reacts in disgust to this as we all know that only nerds and geeks wear glasses in the Saved by the Bell universe so Jessie will finally be forced to accept her clique affiliation.
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Before Zack Morris goes in, Nurse Butcher is called out of the room and Jennifer enters. She tells Zack Morris that she’s taking over as school nurse when Nurse Butcher retires next month, and Zack Morris suddenly gets an erection lasting more than four hours.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h17m39s35

In the hallway, Kelly wonders what’s taking Zack Morris so long and she tells Screech she’s decided to go steady with him. Screech is so overwhelmed at the prospect of a threesome that he grabs Zack Morris in the hallway, but Zack Morris gets away before Screech can plant a hot kiss on him.

Kelly tells Zack Morris the answer is yes but we’re expected to believe that Jennifer has caused Zack Morris to forget he asked Kelly to go steady with him.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h18m11s73

Kelly is not amused.

At The Max, Slater wants someone to write him a note to avoid his flu shot but Lisa and Jessie are all, “Fuck that shit! They shouldn’t be giving it to you anyway!”

Kelly comes in and tells Jessie and Lisa she’s scared that Zack Morris doesn’t want to date her anymore. Jessie tells Kelly she’ll talk to Zack Morris for her.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h19m29s113

Jessie then gets out her glasses and asks Kelly and Lisa how she looks. Lisa says she looks ridiculous and Screech comes up and says his grandmother’s friends wear glasses. We now know that only old people and ugly people wear glasses. There are no beautiful women in the world who wear glasses. So the moral of this subplot is going to be that Jessie realizes there’s nothing wrong with wanting to correct her visionand our resident ultrafeminist is going to say, “Fuck you!” to all her naysayers, right?vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h19m48s39

At Zack Morris’s house, Zack Morris is checking out his favorite person in the world: himself. Jessie comes through his window and tells him that Kelly is upset over how he’s been acting. Zack Morris tells her he’s having second thoughts because he’s in love with Jennifer but makes her promise not to tell anyone. She calls him a fucking swine and we get a fantasy sequence.
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Oh my god, this may be the scariest one yet. Zack Morris has a medical degree and he’s in a ployamorous relationship with Kelly and Jennifer, who are both acting as his nurses. vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h21m29s19

He’s operating on Mr. Belding, which surely means Mr. Belding will soon be dead.

At Bayside, Miss Simpson can suddenly hear because of her new ultra-sensitive hearing aides.
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But the hearing aides amplify all sound, including the bell, which nearly makes Miss Simpson’s brain explode. Okay, I admit it. That was pretty funny. 
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Zack Morris comes in and asks Miss Simpson to go to the nurse. Kelly offers to walk Zack Morris there but he yells she wouldn’t want to see what’s going to happen there and Miss Simpson’s head continues to swell up to near-explosion status.

Mr. Belding comes in and Miss Simpson rips out her hearing aid before it kills her. Mr. Belding tells Slater it’s time for his physical. Uh oh!

Zack Morris walks in the nurses office and Jennifer thinks that he’s having a reaction to the flu shot. She goes to get her thermometer but, wouldn’t you know it, Slater comes in on the other side.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h24m56s51

Zack Morris tells Slater all his deepest feelings but is horrified to discover he just admitted his deepest homoerotic fantasies to Slater. Slater tells Zack Morris he’ll keep it a secret if Zack Morris gets his flu shot for him. Nurse Butcher comes in and tells Zack Morris to bend over, not because flu shots have to be administered in the butt but because she really wants to see Zack Morris’s ass.
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At The Max, Zack Morris and Screech are jogging around the restaurant. Zack Morris tells Screech he doesn’t want to date Kelly exclusively and needs a horrible guy for Kelly to date so that she’ll continue pining after Zack Morris’s ever whim. Screech offers a guy on the chess team, Melvin Nerdling, and Zack Morris thinks this is perfect because names automatically denote what sort of personality a person has.

Kelly comes in and Zack Morris tells her he doesn’t want to date other people. Zack Morris leaves and, as Slater, Lisa, and Jessie walk in, she’s understandably pretty pissed off as she realizes she’s dating the biggest asshole at Bayside.

Jessie and Slater put two and two together and realize they both know what’s going on. Lisa picks up on context clues and says she’s going to Jennifer to tell her what Zack Morris did to Kelly.

Jennifer thinks Zack Morris is a fucking piece of shit for the way he’s treated Kelly. She tells Slater, Lisa, and Jessie she’ll take care of it. Jessie reads the eye chart without her glasses while she’s there and Jennifer tells her she got them all perfect. Turns out Nurse Butcher is going blind, which is why she’s retiring. Wait…so the school nurse now has the authority to prescribe eye glasses? Jessie didn’t go to an optometrist and confirm the diagnosis? And…wait…the resolution is that Jessie doesn’t need the glasses after all and everyone’s happy because glasses are stupid? Fucking shit. Way to give your young, impressionable viewers, many of whom will need eye glasses, a nice, stereotypical message about glasses being for nerds and geeks. God, as stupid as Full House was, at least their episode about Stephanie getting glasses got the message across that it is okay to correct your vision.
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After a cut, Jennifer is dressed seductively as Zack Morris comes in. She starts seducing him and tells him he’s sweet, unlike her husband who beats her.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h30m59s97

Jennifer proposes Zack Morris engage in statutory rape with her but Zack Morris is afraid of his bones being shattered under the weight of her husband’s punches and runs away.

He runs straight to Kelly’s house, where he tells her he’s come to his senses and wants to go steady again.
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Much to her credit, Kelly isn’t having it and Zack Morris meets Melvin Nerdling. Oh no! You mean someone who’s not a stereotypical nerd can enjoy chess? What has this world come to! Next you’ll tell me attractive people wear glasses!

Kelly tells Zack Morris to fuck off and our episode ends with Kyle dumping water on Zack Morris. I really enjoy it when Zack Morris gets what’s coming to him, although I fail to understand how Zack Morris didn’t know who Melvin was, especially since we find out Melvin is apparently a major jock. Oh well.vlcsnap-2014-08-09-14h32m37s57

The New Class Season 2, Episode 6: “Brian’s Girlfriend”

Boy, I missed the country club these past two weeks. I’m so happy it’s back that I think I’ll drown my happiness in a bottle of beer.

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We open with Brian telling Bobby that he got Rachel a big chocolate heart in his continuing quest to break up her relationship with David and copy Scott’s personality as much as possible.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h16m26s194

But David one upped his would be usurper as Rachel tells Lindsay and Megan that David sent her a solid gold heart necklace. vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h16m41s99

Mr. Belding and Screech enter to tell the employees about a tip-a-thon contest. The club members will tip employees using poker chips and whoever has the most tips by July 4th will have their tips matched by the club. Jesus, this could be very expensive for the club. Is Mr. Belding wielding the same unilateral control over finances at the club as he has at Bayside? This contest is confusing anyway. If the members tip in chips and not money, how do they pay the tips, especially considering these are plain chips without any markings on them? Is the club going to cover their tips as well as the double bonus?

Tommy D and Lindsay instantly decide to pool their chips together and, if they win, spend the prize on something they both want. This is, of course, because the only reason either of them has existed this season is to be the “perfect couple” that is always randomly fighting in subplots. Really, with Scott gone, there’s nothing else for them to do.

Through exposition, we find out that Alison is going to miss the Fourth of July dance. As she leaves, Brian approaches Screech and tells him that he’s fucking sick of Rachel going on and on about her boyfriend and how she loves things from her boyfriend and how her boyfriend has such a large penis. Why, if a person didn’t know better, they’d think Rachel’s dating her boyfriend or something.

Brian makes the biggest mistake of his life and decides to take dating advice from Screech since that’s worked in exactly zero episodes he’s been in. The plan is Brian is going to make Rachel jealous by dating Karen Jensen, a tennis pro played by an actress who was apparently being passed around all the TNBC sitcoms like a well used whore. Seriously, she shows up in The College Years and California Dreamin’ as well. She even gets “Special Guest Star” billing for this episode. Did this girl have blackmail photos implicating Engel in weird sex acts or something?

Tommy D gets a really good tip from a member named Mr. Jayson after he does a really good job on Mr. Jayson’s car. Mr. Jayson reveals that he wants to sell his car for $1,500, which seems like a cheap amount for a classic car even for the mid-’90s, and I’m sure this won’t come back to influence our Lindsay/Tommy D subplot in any way.
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Screech finds Karen and asks her to take a look at Brian’s tennis shoulder, which I can only assume is a euphemism for give him a mind blowing blowjob. 
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The tip-a-thon continues as this easily impressed member gives Lindsay a ton of chips simply for fashioning her leftovers into a swan. She says that’s the prettiest swan she’s ever seen, which makes me think this woman doesn’t get out very often.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h23m04s81

Bobby waded into the lake to retrieve some golf balls for a member and didn’t seem to think it would be a good idea to, I don’t know, change his clothes before he went swimming.

At the pool, Rachel asks Brian to join her for a snack on their break but Brian tells her he’s got to go fuck a tennis pro. Karen comes around and starts rubbing Brian’s shoulder, which sends Rachel into a fit.
vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h24m06s206Screech tells Rachel something is going on between Brian and Karen but what he doesn’t reveal is that the something is a lame ass plan that we already know is going to blow up.

Tommy D is far ahead in the contest but pisses off Lindsay when he decides he wants to use their money to buy Mr. Jayson’s car. Tommy D says that since his penis isn’t made of rubber and a vibrating motor, he gets to decide what they spend their money on. Lindsay tells Tommy D to fuck off and that at least her rubber penis pleases her.

Bobby tells Megan he wants to use the money to buy a new stereo, but Megan wants to use it to treat her parents to a cruise for their wedding anniversary which…is actually the most selfless act I think I’ve seen on this show to date.
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Mr. Belding didn’t have anything else to do in this episode so he decides to go swimming and I think I shudder every time an episode shows him in a state of undress. He asks Screech to put on some sunblock and Screech naturally uses Italian dressing instead, pissing off Mr. Belding and sending Screech scurrying away.

Screech sends Rachel to the tennis court to get some clean towels. What the clean towels are doing there is beyond me, but it’s an excuse for her to see Brian and Karen together, which she naturally assumes means that they’re fucking like rabbits.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h28m34s55

This upsets Rachel so much that she drops the towels and returns to the pool to commiserate with Lindsay and Megan. “How dare Brian date someone else instead of waiting for me to eventually be single,” she tells them. Lindsay convinces Rachel to ask Brian out to the Fourth of July dance because, since she cheated on David with Scott last season, she might as well continue her streak.
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In sitcom cliche number 453, Mr. Belding fell asleep at the pool and has turned into a hairy, middle-aged version of Hellboy.

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Before Rachel can ask Brian to the dance, Karen asks him and then gives him mouth to mouth resuscitation. 
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At this well signed “Cold Drinks” machine, which I assume contains lots of wine coolers, Screech convinces Brian to take Karen to the dance so that Rachel will be jealous when she sees them dancing. NO! GET OUT NOW, BRIAN! Not that I give a fuck about you and your fling with Rachel, but Screech is giving you cliched advice that never works in any sitcom!

Lindsay and Tommy D make up and Lindsay tells Tommy D that nothing would make her happier than fulfilling his every whim at her expense, thus ending the latest Tommy D and Lindsay fight subplot.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h33m40s47

After Mr. Jayson leaves Megan a small tip since he only got a glass of iced tea, Bobby goes over to his table while Megan isn’t looking and dumps all his poker chips. He lets Megan think that Mr. Jayson left the tip and she’s ecstatic that she has a chance to win the contest.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h34m08s72

To round out our Mr. Belding has a sunburn subplot, Mr. Belding comes to the Fourth of July dance with a cream pie on his face.

Mr. Belding announces that Megan won the tip-a-thon. She goes to thank Mr. Jayson for the good tip but he tells her that it wasn’t him.
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Brian and Karen dance to some muzak and Rachel, upset that Brian would dare date a girl while he’s single, gets up and runs out of the room.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h36m37s0

Brian suddenly realizes that Screech sucks ass at giving dating advice. He tells Karen the truth.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h37m37s111

Karen promptly throws a plot convenience glass of water on Brian to thank him for the wonderful sentiment of using her like a misogynistic jackass to make Rachel jealous. Brian finds Rachel and tells her the truth. Rachel, rather than telling Brian he’s a selfish jerk who should fuck off, tells him he should have just told her the truth. After all, she’s cheated on David once before; why not again?

Megan figures out it was Bobby who left the big tip for her and says that’s the nicest thing anyone’s every done for her. Actually…that may be the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for anyone in this series so far. Really, it’s a very selfless thing and Bobby didn’t want recognition or to get his dick wet. He was content to let her believe Mr. Jayson did it. Oh my god, someone on this show wasn’t an asshole!
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The country club blows up in pretty colors.vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h40m12s127

Alison comes back because she didn’t want to spend the Fourth of July without Screech given how close and intimate they’ve become over the last three weeks. God, will they be getting married next week?vlcsnap-2014-08-04-18h40m36s114

Rachel officially seals her “cheating on my boyfriend” status with a kiss for Brian, and the audience is mildly amused. Seriously, they were more impressed when Kelly gave Slater a pop kiss on the cheek.

How is it everyone in this episode is an asshole, an idiot, or both except for the character who’s usually an idiot?

Firsts: Someone on The New Class is selfless, Brian and Rachel hook-up.

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 15: “The Fabulous Belding Boys”

This episode is, reportedly, Dennis Haskins’s favorite episode. Considering “Running Zack” is supposed to be Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s favorite episode, I’m not holding out much hope that recommendation will mean anything.vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h12m59s239

We open by meeting Mr. Dickerson, the history teacher. I swear, what is it with Bayside hiring their teachers from Arkham Asylum? Mr. Dickerson’s quirk is that he gains pleasure from failing his students. He doesn’t even like when people say good morning to him.

So the History mid-term is coming up and Mr. Dickerson assures the class that they will all fail since no one has passed his mid-term in three years. Wouldn’t that be grounds for termination if none of your students are passing a class? The parents need to take this asshole to the school board! Mr. Dickerson even seems to enjoy fucking with the class during a study session. He asks them questions about Lincoln’s assassination and then tells them none of it will be on the test.

vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h55m22s48Mr. Belding comes on the PA to ask the leaders for the class trip to report to his office. Mr. Dickerson’s logical response is to throw an eraser at the speaker and yell at Mr. Belding to stop interrupting his class. This guy…needs to be psychologically evaluated. Seriously, given all the school shootings over the last couple of decades, if a teacher acted like this, there would be reason to be concerned that his mental instability might lead to violence.
vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h14m37s179 In Mr. Belding’s office, the class trip organizing committee argues over where to go for their trip. Milton, the fat nerd here, wants to go to the Hershey factory and the Ding Dong museum because he’s fat and fat people only care about eating. I should point out for those following my The New Class review that this is either a different Milton from The New Class or Milton substantially lost weight, changed his personality, and failed a lot of classes. I prefer to imagine it’s the second option.

The group argue and it looks like they might break into fisticuffs when Mr. Belding breaks it up. “Fuck this shit,” he tells them, “Since you idiots can’t even agree on a simple place to take a trip, I’ll pick it for you. Oh, and you have to pass that History mid-term from the last scene or you can’t go.”vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h16m17s167

The gang goes to Zack Morris’s house to study, and we join them right after they took some nasty shrooms, as evidenced by the fact that Mr. Dickerson is appearing to them in books.vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h16m28s24And on the body of Magic Johnson.
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And on other books.vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h16m55s27

And they think he’s replaced Will Smith on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Way to cross promote your shows, NBC. Zack Morris really wants to go on the trip so he’s actually studying and knows quite a bit about the start of World War I.

The next day at school, Mr. Dickerson is five minutes late for class. There’s a running gag in this scene where Screech keeps saying really dumb things so half the class keep hitting him. I’m liking this episode better already. This should be in every episode. It would make The New Class so much more tolerable if everyone was allowed to beat Screech whenever he said something stupid.

Mr. Belding comes in and tells the class that Mr. Dickerson has taken some “time off” because he lost his last connection to sanity in the teacher’s lounge and tried to give all the teachers Fs and detention. Yeah, he says time off but I’m going to assume that’s subtext for “I fired him because he’s a treat to everyone in this school.” If that is the case, I can’t believe it! One of the bat shit crazy faculty members of Bayside has been fired! It’s a miracle!
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Their substitute teacher here is Mr. Belding’s brother, Rod.vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h20m41s242

You can tell that he’s a free spirit because he has long hair and insists the students call him Rod. He also likes laying on his desk. So Rod tells the students to tear up their tests and throw them in the air reminiscent of a scene from Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Rod also tells the students that he’s going to let them set their own grade. Everyone except Screech give themselves an A while Screech gives himself a B- because he’s a dumb ass.

Rod lays on the desk and tells the gang a story of why he quit working in the airline business so he could become a substitute teacher. Apparently substitute teaching is glamorous because you get summers off. What he doesn’t mention is that you don’t get paid during the summer and what you get paid during the year is utter shit.Yeah, sounds great to me.

Mr. Belding comes in to announce where the class trip will be: Yosemite National Park. I…am utterly shocked. The writers picked a real place that is actually in the vicinity of Los Angeles! I…I’m speechless that something makes sense on this show!
vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h22m13s134The writers continue demonstrating how cool Rod is by having him watch a Dodgers game with Zack Morris and Screech in Mr. Belding’s office while Mr. Belding is at a school board meeting…which don’t usually occur during the day but, whatever. Zack Morris and Screech make fun of Mr. Belding and it’s apparent they’re gaining boners for Rod. We get some exposition about the upcoming class trip and disturbingly learn that Screech’s mom is packing him three pairs of long johns with locks on the trap doors…to keep the bears out. So is Screech’s mom afraid Screech will be raped by a bear? I guess he does resemble a wild animal.

Rod tells the boys about his class trip whitewater rafting, and this gets Zack Morris excited enough that he brings the idea to the gang. They all return to Mr. Belding to ask him if Rod can lead them whitewater rafting. Mr. Belding is obviously upset that they don’t want to go to Yosemite with him but he reluctantly agrees to let Rod lead a whitewater rafting trip, because substitute teachers lead class trips all the time.

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In the gym, Rod has inflated a raft, and the gang is imagining they’re on the trip. Is this their class trip: to Imaginationland? It sure seems that way for a moment until we learn that they’re “practicing” for the trip, because inflating a raft in the school gym is completely the same as riding through rough currents on a river.vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h29m31s147

This comes complete with Slater and Zack Morris practicing CPR on Slater and Kelly because it’s completely safe to practice CPR on a live person. Mr. Belding comes in and sees this for the foreplay that it is. Turns out Rod and the kids are supposed to be in history class and Rod’s all, “Take a chill pill bro!” Mr. Belding orders everyone back to class. Zack Morris is pissed that Mr. Belding dares to do his job and ensure that the students learn instead of giving in to the irresponsible whims of his brother. He tells Mr. Belding that he’s just jealous that they want to fuck Rod more than him.

We’re back in the gym and it’s time for the trip and Zack Morris tells us they’re going to the Colorado River. I’m…blown away. Once again the writers have picked a destination that’s actually realistic for a school in California since the Colorado does run through California.

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Does Slater ever wear any clothes? I swear, Bayside has a laxer dress code than Paris Hilton’s bedroom. vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h39m46s164

Lisa’s bringing along only the essentials because the writers wanted to use the stupid spoiled rich girl cliche.vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h40m13s178

And Screech is dressed as the brain damaged love child of Rambo and Gilligan. Oh and the trip is for a whole week. What is it with this school and just randomly taking students out for a week? Doesn’t the Department of Education have anything to say about this?

But, oh no! Milton comes in to tell us the buses have arrived but Rod has not! Zack Morris goes to search for Rod and, as he walks by Mr. Belding’s office, he overhears Mr. Belding and Rod arguing.
vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h41m27s137Yes, Rod may be cool and rebellious but he’s also an irresponsible jack ass who’s decided to ditch the class trip so he can fuck a stewardess. Rod is like, “They’ll get over it. Tell them I got sick.” Mr. Belding is furious and tells Rod that he should have known better than to let Rod come to Bayside. Apparently Rod has always been a fuck up and always will be. Mr. Belding does something completely unprecedented in the history of Bayside and fires a second incompetent teacher!

Zack Morris gets back to the gym before they notice him, obviously angry and upset that Rod has fucked up their class trip. Before he can tell others the bad news, Mr. Belding comes in and tells them Rod came down with the flu and won’t be able to take them on the trip. The gang is ready to pack it up and leave when Mr. Belding tells them not to worry because he’ll take them on the trip.

After everyone else leave to get on the bus, Zack Morris tells Mr. Belding that he overheard everything and wants to know why Mr. Belding didn’t tell everyone the truth. Mr. Belding says that he knows the students look up to Rod and he didn’t want to ruin that for them. He says he knows that Rod is the more exciting Belding. Zack Morris tells him that may be true, but that Bayside got the better Belding. Zack Morris apologizes for acting like a jerk earlier and the two are off to consummate their new found love in front of squirrels and birds and Screech.
vlcsnap-2014-08-03-19h43m57s128I…wow….

You guys, this might be the best episode of the series yet! We have great pacing, genuinely funny and touching moments, characterization, a coherent and mostly believable plot, and a satisfying resolution. There are no stupid subplots going on to distract us from the main plot, and almost everything is in line with what might happen at a real high school (with the possible exception of the one week trip). I can completely see why this is Dennis Haskins’s favorite episode! Besides the fact that it paints Mr. Belding in a positive, competent light for the first time since Good Morning, Miss Bliss, it develops his character in a way that will influence his actions for the next nine years. It even reverses a cliche: instead of the free-spirited, rebellious teacher being the good guy, he’s an asshole and lets everyone down.

I just have one question. Has hell frozen over? After all, I really have nothing bad to say about this episode!

Firsts: A crazy faculty member is apparently fired.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 5: “Squash It”

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We open with this sight: Screech walking through the hallway drumming. And why is he drumming you ask? Why, to get everyone’s attention, because that makes complete sense. Mr. Belding wants to announce preparations for the school carnival but if he catches anyone fighting, he’ll cancel the whole thing because it’s completely reasonable to cancel a school event based on the actions of a few people.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h29m08s185

Screech is apparently armed with glitter nowadays.

But what this scene really makes me ask is why Mr. Belding is now making announcements like this? Are they saying that these the only students at Bayside? Wouldn’t the PA system have been more appropriate?

The students will also be competing for a prize. The booth that sells the most tickets will win a night out in Los Angeles! Wow, that’s exciting, a trip all the way to Los Angeles, where they live! This trip will come complete with a dinner at the Shay Palisades Bistro and front row tickets for the Whitney Houston concert. Something tells me the school spent all their money on the concert and couldn’t afford much else.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech wants to sell lots of fake plastic food on sticks, including “spaghetti on a stick.”  If this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry: it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode.

Brian and Rachel come in and want to recruit Mr. Belding for a dunk tank. Mr. Belding tells them to fuck off because Milton and Frieda, whoever that is, have dibs.
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Bobby wants Megan to team up with him for a fortune telling booth where she feeds Bobby answers in terrible puns. They try it out on Rachel, who is seemingly duped into believing that Bobby is a psychic. This may be the best acting I’ve ever seen Sarah Lancaster do on any show as she seems genuinely believable.
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Bayside just can’t seem to get rid of its remedial students who are well into their twenties! This is Kirk, who will serve as an antagonist throughout the rest of this episode. Kirk wants to fuck the living shit out of Megan and he won’t take no for an answer, which makes him come off as sort of rapey. I know I’m supposed to hate this guy but he’s just making me feel uncomfortable.
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Bobby tries to get in between them and Kirk turns Bobby into a giant turtle as he spins him around. Tommy D comes up ready to beat the shit out of Kirk but, as usual, Lindsay stops him because fighting is bad, mmmkay? She’s really scared that Mr. Belding will cancel the carnival because of an isolated event involving a total ass wipe. Besides, you know, plot.

Screech has a classroom reserved as a really elaborate place to sign up for booths. Rachel reveals to Brian that she only pretended to believe Bobby’s fortune telling and, really, he sucks ass. 
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Brian proceeds to tell Milton and Frieda, who we find out is a new addition to Team Nerd, that the person who ran the dunk tank last year was forced to move away. Yeah, Rachel and Brian are going to be known as Team Assholes throughout this episode. Milton and Frieda run out on the dunk tank, leaving it for Brian and Rachel to steal.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h36m04s252

Lindsay and Tommy D can’t stop making out for long enough to agree on a booth so, when Screech suggests they run a kissing booth, they readily agree.

At The Max, Bobby and Megan are practicing for the mind reading booth except Bobby sucks ass even with obvious prompts. Megan leaves to create a script and Kirk, who has been loitering and waiting for the opportunity, comes up and starts talking smak about Bobby. Kirk tells Bobby to leave his future date rape victim alone, and Bobby politely declines. Kirk dumps fries on Bobby as Screech comes in and, since there are no responsible adults in The Max, Kirk just leaves with no consequences for bullying or causing a scene.
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Instead, Screech suggests that maybe he can help Bobby with his bullying problem. And…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m22s17

Oh lord. Screech is suddenly a black belt in karate. Why is it I would believe that Screech bought the uniform at a yard sale? It’s easier to believe than if he actually took the classes to earn it.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m34s133

Oh, god, make it stop…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m43s212

Seriously…make it stop…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m51s43

It’s not going to stop, is it?

Screech tells Bobby that, when he was a student at Bayside, he was bullied as well, and karate was how he learned to protect himself. That’s why we never saw Screech doing anything karate related in the original series, other than his incredibly racist impersonation of a Japanese person in season one.
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As if every martial arts film ever made hadn’t done it first, Screech starts Bobby’s training by having him wash Mr. Belding’s windows because, in the world of Hollywood, doing menial everyday chores can give you incredible martial arts skills. He continues his training in the hallway by washing the lockers.

Megan comes up and gives Bobby the new codes just as Kirk comes down the stairs. Bobby stuffs himself in a locker since he’s not prepared to wash Kirk yet so Kirk continues his sexual harassment.
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Hacksaw and his buddy, Spike, find Lindsay and Tommy D so they can lust over how much they’ve wanted to finger bang Lindsay. Spike must have been held back even more times than Kirk. I wonder if he remembers when Mr. Belding was the DJ at the radio station.

Tommy D is such an idiot that he only then realizes that a kissing booth means Lindsay will be kissing boys. What did he think it meant, that people would pay to see them kiss? Tommy D forbids Lindsay to kiss other boys and Lindsay is all, “Fuck that shit!”vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h41m09s223

Mr. Belding conveniently has a cold from taking Little Zack to Sea World because it’s a common thing to get colds from visiting an aquarium…apparently. This means that he won’t be able to be in Brian and Rachel’s dunk booth because…plot. Brian comes up with a new idea: make everyone want to dunk him.

vlcsnap-2014-07-29-19h49m07s41Holy shit, it’s Tara Reid! No, seriously, that’s Tara “I’ll Star in Any Movie Offered to Me” Reid! Now here’s a celebrity I can believe got her start on The New Class. She’s never been a good actress so it only figures she got her on this show! Anyway, Brian tells Tara Reid that she’s fat and Rachel follows up with the opportunity to dunk Brian at the carnival. Hey, Tara Reid has survived Sharknados, twice. If she can do that, surely she can dunk Brian!
vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h42m34s55He continues the sabotage of his reputation by telling Hacksaw and Spike that they’re fucking morons, and he tells Milton that he has monkey breathe. So, the plan is for Brian to be an even bigger dick than usual and ruin what little positive reputation he has at Bayside?

At The Max, Screech butts into Tommy D and Lindsay’s affairs and makes things even worse by suggesting that Tommy D kiss girls. Screech was actually hoping Tommy D would give him a kiss but Tommy D can’t take a hint.

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Bobby is continuing his karate training by…putting ketchup and mustard on hot dogs. Yeah, it’s obvious how this plot is going to turn out but it doesn’t make it any less moronic. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h44m58s210

Kirk thinks that Bobby is a dumb ass for listening to Screech as well and spreads some mustard on Bobby. Kirk tells Bobby to stop cock blocking his potential sexual assault and says he’ll murder Bobby if Bobby shows up at the carnival.
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Bobby tells Screech he’s fucking pissed off at Screech’s bad advice, but Screech suddenly helps Bobby realize that washing windows and lockers and putting ketchup and mustard on hot dogs has turned him into Jackie Chan. Yeah, because karate doesn’t take years of persistence and practice to master. It only takes putting some fucking condiments on processed beef!

This episode is an insult to martial artists everywhere. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h47m42s66

It’s time for the carnival and, though everyone is hitting the target, Brian isn’t falling in the water because he’s a fucking cheater. Mr. Belding comes in and fixes the booth and Brian is suddenly all wet.
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Meanwhile, Spike is ready and excited over his kiss with Lindsay while Tara Reid kisses Tommy D. Oh, hilarious prostitution! But moments later they decide they don’t like kissing other people and deny Hacksaw his sweet, sweet sugar so they can make out throughout the rest of the episode.

Kirk comes in and decides that Bobby being late means that Megan is his new whore. But, oh no, Bobby comes in and the two step into the hallway for an epic rumble!

You can probably guess the rest. Tommy D stops kissing long enough for Brian and he to try to break up the fight, but Bobby is all, “No, it’s my fight and I have to finish this cliche!” Bobby dodges every one of Kirk’s punches.
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This leads Kirk to break out a broom, which Bobby promptly breaks using mustard and ketchup power. He pushes Kirk down on the floor but, rather than showing him what washing windows can really do, has mercy on him and tells him to fuck the fucking fuck off. Mr. Belding comes out but missed the awesome powers of Ketchup-te so he’s none the wiser, and Screech is proud that his nonsensical ways have proven useful for another episode.
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Back at the carnival, Brian and Rachel won the grand prize. Oh, but too much water has made Brian catch a cold because that’s the way it works in the Saved by the Bell universe. As a result, Mr. Belding says Brian shouldn’t to the concert. Rachel says that David will be happy to fly home from college just to see Whitney Houston since anything’s possible on this show and it’s not like flying in from Michigan for a single night costs money or anything, and Brian is dejected that he’s denied a night in the sack with Rachel once again.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h52m39s216And we close with Bobby looking confused as Megan gives him a thank you kiss and tells him that she’d be happy to go out with him anytime because Ketuchup-te is the sexiest marshal art form ever conceived.

Firsts: Frieda, Spike.

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 14: “The Babysitters”

vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h23m16s89 It’s our second out of season episode for season two, and we open with the gang, including Screech, who forgot to put his clothes on, gathered at The Max because Kelly has called them there for an emergency.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h23m53s192Oh god, it’s a baby episode. Meet Kelly’s baby brother, Billy, who will never be seen or mentioned again after this episode. The premise of this episode is that Kelly’s parents have been snowed in at one of those notorious Los Angeles ski lodges in the horrible Los Angeles blizzards. Kelly has to babysit Billy until they get back because there are no other adults in her life who can do it nor are there any such things as daycare services in the Saved by the Bell universe, so the natural choice is to ask your teenage daughter to play hookie from school so she can babysit.

Kelly has an Earth shattering dilemma, though: she has to get her cheerleading photo taken during first period and she needs the gang to watch Billy in the meantime. I think this is what they call first world white people problems. Oh, and, apparently Lisa and Jessie are suddenly not cheerleaders anymore since they’re not concerned with getting their pictures taken. Of course, the real reason is it’s not convenient to the plot, but the writers hope we’re too stupid to realize that.

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The gang reluctantly agrees at Slater’s urging but then promptly leave the baby in the sole care of the second most incompetent member of the gang so they can all go and tend to their own first world problems. So, what does Zack Morris decide to do?vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h25m37s215

Why, take the baby to school in a gym bag. He’s had the baby exactly thirty seconds and he’s already acting the neglectful babysitter. What is it with just randomly bringing kids to Bayside? I’m sure there’s some kind of rule against that. vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h27m26s38

The bell rings and Zack Morris ends up in French class with his teacher, Madame Oeuf, who does one of the worst fake French accents I’ve ever heard.
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What follows is a minute and a half of one of the worst gags I’ve yet to see on this show. Billy starts crying at random intervals that make me think the director has never heard an actual baby cry. Madame Oeuf, being the type of idiot that adults on this show usually are, can’t tell the difference between a baby crying and Zack Morris doing a French accent.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h29m00s139

So Madame Oeuf encourages all the extras in the room to imitate Billy’s crying. And that’s it, for a full minute and a half, until Lisa just walks right in the room and whispers something in Zack Morris’s ear, causing Zack Morris to exclaim, “Kelly did what!” and then say he had to go, because it’s perfectly acceptable to walk out of class whenever you want as long as it moves the plot along. Oh, and the extras, still imitating Zack Morris, say they all have to go and stand up and leave.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h29m44s104

In the hallway, we find out that Kelly broke her arm getting her picture taken, and there’s not even an attempt to hide Billy at this point. Keeping in the spirit of the idiocy of this episode, no extras or adults even bat an eye at Zack Morris having a baby because young Kapowski children have free reign to come and go at Bayside whenever they want.

Jessie and Lisa suggest that they should leave the baby with the school nurse or Mr. Belding because I’m sure neither of them have anything better to do in their day than babysit a child that shouldn’t be there to begin with. Zack Morris insists that he’s the best incompetent babysitter around and he’s going to see it out.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h30m42s200 Yeah, the yearbook photographer is Max, who’s been hired without Mr. Belding’s knowledge and is even being paid…without Mr. Belding’s knowledge. Yeah, that’s not how it works guys. Max says he was hired because photography is his hobby. I mean, it’s not like he has a restaurant to run or anything so he might as well just randomly come take lots of picture of Bayside. Actually, that’s sounding kind of creepy now.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h31m29s129

In the locker room, lucky Billy has just witnessed Zack Morris and Slater change into their sports clothes for pictures. Once again, coming back to this episode’s theme of first world problems, Zack Morris has to find someone to watch Billy while he gets his picture taken for track. Slater says he’ll do it after wrestling picture.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h31m52s142

The baby starts crying so Slater thinks may he should give Billy his ding dong in case he’s hungry for one. They realize he needs to be changed and proceed to take his diaper off. We get some full frontal baby nudity and, of all the things they could have managed to get right on this show, they managed to get the right sex of baby.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h32m27s226

Considering that Billy is very naked from the waist down, it makes.the way this extra comes up to stare at Billy extremely creepy.

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But, yeah, the idiots two get the diaper off but then decide to argue about who gets the privilege of covering Billy’s nether regions. Their idiocy manages to get the last diaper torn in half. Slater runs off and Zack Morris walks to a locker. For a second, I was horrified as I thought Zack Morris was about to just stick him in the locker, but, instead, Zack Morris gets out one of Slater’s t-shirts and wraps Billy in it.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h34m34s217

We then get a dream sequence of Zack Morris imagining what it will be like to be father to a blonde headed hell spawn. We get elementary age.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h35m06s32

Good Morning, Miss Bliss age.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h35m33s37 And about to be on The College Years age. In all three ages, the running gag is Zack Morris is too smart for his hell spawn’s antics. Yeah, even the audience sounds like they’re half-heartedly laughing.

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The writers manage to forget that they just established a couple minutes earlier that Slater was going to watch Billy while Zack Morris got his picture taken, so, in order to move what little plot this episode has along, he pawns the baby off on Jessie and Lisa. By some great coincidence, it happens to be the day where everyone plays with baby dolls in their home economics class.
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Their teacher, Mrs. Hatcher, is played by the aunt from Step by Step, and does a good job of adhering to the all adults are idiots rule as she doesn’t realize Billy’s crying is not coming from one of the plastic dolls.

For some reason, Max needs a photo of the home ec class for the yearbook. During the photo, Screech comes in to pick up Billy.
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Because Screech is a complete moron, he can’t tell the difference between a doll and a real baby…
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…and he ends up bringing Zack Morris one of the dolls. As if this plot wasn’t convoluted enough, not only do Jessie and Lisa not notice he got the wrong “baby,” they don’t notice that Billy, a living, breathing, human being, is still in the room, and leave him behind. When they return to look for him, they discover that Billy must have taken his first steps in the interim because he’s not in the room. We can only hope Mrs. Hatcher discovered him and called Child Protective Services.

Because we needed even more plot convenience, Kelly picks this moment to come back before the gang can search for Billy.
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Max just so happens to walk up as well at this moment and they ask Max to take pictures of Kelly while the gang searches for Billy.
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Their method of searching involves moving at the speed of light in and out of the various lockers.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h43m23s137The intercom comes on with some crying, and the gang rush into Mr. Belding’s office to find out that a semi-competent adult has Billy. The gang manage to convince Mr. Belding that he didn’t find an abandoned baby but, instead, has memory loss about agreeing to watch Billy during the yearbook photos so that Kelly doesn’t find out how completely incompetent her friends are.
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Max comes in and randomly takes a picture of the rest of the cast with a baby so that Bayside can always remember that babies are allowed to come to school whenever adults are too incompetent to find a proper babysitter.vlcsnap-2014-07-26-17h46m10s5And our pointless, pointless episode ends with Billy saying his first words, “This episode is fucking stupid, almost worse than the ‘Screech is an alien’ episode from two weeks ago!” Or it may have been, “Zack.” It’s one or the other.

Firsts: A baby at Bayside.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 4: “Blood Money”

We’re back at Bayside this week and the writers waste no time in getting right to the plot of this episode. We find out within about a minute that the gang is excited about the upcoming hiking trip. Whoa, plot! I know I’ve criticized you for meandering along and not getting to the point, but this is ridiculous! Oh, and to bring the usual unrealistic portrayal of school life this franchise is used to, the hiking trip gets them out of school for…get this…six days! I’m pretty sure the school board and the California Department of Education would have something to say about a six day field trip in the middle of the school year.

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So I’ve been looking for an example of the substandard humor this show is providing so far this season and here’s one for you. Screech is doing the announcements. “Good Morning, Bayside! This is Administrative Assistant Screech Powers reminding all those going on the Big Bear hiking trip to have your permission slips in the principal’s office by 3:00, ’cause no slip, no trip!” And, seriously, the audience loses their shit over that line because rhyming in itself is one of the great forms of comedy. Just ask poets and children’s books writers. The only funny poem here would be:

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The New Class sucks ass,
And Screech Powers, too!”

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So Rachel is completely clueless about hiking and is planning on bringing her lovely sundresses along to seduce Brian into her tent at night. And, yes, Rachel’s cluelessness is a running gag I probably won’t be mentioning again. I guess she did get something from Vicki.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h08m36s253

Bobby is under the delusion that vikings once visited California and that their trip is a viking trip. Yes, because you dress up as a stereotype in order to go learn about vikings.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h09m01s52

Meanwhile, in our other plot, Megan is in charge of the school blood drive because the Red Cross totally doesn’t have people to do that for them. Milton and Woodrow made the sign for her but are such idiots they manage to tear the banner in half trying to wonder in opposite directions.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h09m40s179

After Megan, Lindsay, and Rachel go off to work on setting up the blood drive because, once again, the Red Cross apparently doesn’t have people to do that for them, the boys wonder who’s going to chaperon the hiking trip, because it’s common practice to not decide on the chaperon for a school trip until the very last minute. And who else would it be except Mr. Belding! And, after some ignorant non-humorous humor about the “Swiss language,” Mr. Belding takes the boys off to the blood drive. That was some fast set-up. For the record, the Swiss speak French, Italian, German, and Romansh. There’s no fucking such thing as the Swiss language!
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And meet Nurse Penny Brady, the nurse conducting the blood drive. She’s here to give a required speech to our regulars and extras about why donating blood is so important. She doesn’t seem to care that no one in the room is eighteen and legally able to consent to giving blood but who cares about silly little things like realism.
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I say no one is of age, but meet Angelo Spinelli who, by the looks of him, has been held back quite a few years, around ten years to be exact. He doesn’t want to give blood because he’ll be late for his Hell’s Angels meeting since riding a motorcycle is the one characteristic he’s given in this episode.
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In fact, no one wants to give blood, so Mr. Belding volunteers. So, since I’ve actually never given blood, I reasearched what the mini-physical process actually involves on the Red Cross’s web site. Let’s see how realistic The New Class portrays this process.

1. You will answer some questions during a private and confidential interview about your health history and the places you have traveled.

Not a good sign when we can’t even get that right. I hardly think Mr. Belding being questioned in front of a group of his students is confidential.  This was the easy one to get right and they couldn’t even do that.

2. You will have your temperature, hemoglobin, blood pressure and pulse checked.

They start off accurate by taking a sample of Mr. Belding’s blood, but the realism stops there. Yes, as you can see in the picture above, they weigh Mr. Belding, which has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to give blood. On top of this, Megan looks through a magic microscope and diagnoses Mr. Belding as having high cholesterol, which also has absolutely nothing to do with fitness to give blood. Based on the diagnosis of a blood drive nurse and a tenth grade student, Mr. Belding has health problems and needs to go on a strict exercise and diet regimen.

BULL FUCKING SHIT!

Only a medical doctor can make these sorts of calls based on a thorough physical, examination of eating habits, and laboratory tests that involve eight to twelve hours of fasting before hand! The blood test in the mini-physical is to make sure you’re not fucking anemic! This is all medical malpractice waiting to happen!

God, this stupid, stupid show!

So Screech comes in the middle of it and, because Nurse Brady has a vagina, he instantly starts falling in love. So, to avoid having to stop to comment every few minutes throughout the episode about Screech’s dumb ass looks, I present a new feature, one that I have a feeling will, unfortunately, become a new feature in The New Class reviews.

Ladies, and gentlemen, I give you: The Many Creepy Looks of Screech Powers. Yes, these are all faces Screech gives Nurse Brady throughout the episode.

God that’s a disturbing little menagerie.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h15m00s50

When Screech looks at Nurse Brady, he apparently sees in vertigo. Jimmy Stewart called. He wants his special effect back.
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So, for whatever reason, Mr. Belding is allowing Screech to supervise his diet and exercise routine prescribed by a blood drive nurse and a tenth grade student. This involves eating sprouts and running on a treadmill, something he couldn’t possibly do on his own. Nurse Brady comes in and she’s disturbed to find out Mr. Belding is going mountain hiking.
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All our hikers have set their tents and equipment up in the gym…for some reason. Bobby is using bug spray like deodorant because…his arm pits smell like flowers?
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He accidentally sprays Angelo, who, because he’s a soft and cuddly Hell’s Angel and doesn’t want to be charged with child abuse, gives Bobby a noogie.

Rachel is whining about sleeping outside because the writers are trying desperately to graft all of Lisa’s characteristics onto her.

Mr. Belding comes in and tells the students that he’s not able to go on the hiking trip because of his physical condition. So…let me get this straight…Mr. Belding being overweight means he can’t engage in an activity that will mean he gets lots of exercise…

You know, of all the contrivances this franchise has thrown at me, this one may well be one of the worst. It may not be one of the most ridiculous or the most outlandish, but it’s just downright ignorant, which means the Mr. Belding is fat subplot exists only to give a reason for conflict in the other subplots.

*sigh* A brain dead monkey with no arms could write better material than this.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h23m56s51

So the replacement chaperon is…Mrs. Steele. So..Mr. Belding is too fat to go hiking so the replacement is…an overweight woman? HOW DOES THIS FUCKING MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE WHATSO-FUCKING-EVER!!!! I think this episode is actually making me stupider for watching it!

Anyway, yeah, the kids don’t like Mrs. Steele because she has a dried up vagina and doesn’t want to see any of the kids exhibiting relations with the opposite sex so she sticks them all in same sex groupings so that they can only act on their latent homosexual desires. We also find out she doesn’t like bees and is fucking pissed that Rachel is wearing perfume which may attract bees despite the fact they’re not leaving on the trip right now so it doesn’t really matter

In the other plot, Screech is trying to give blood to impress Nurse Brady and he passes out at the sight of blood. Haha, very funny, Next scene.

Actually, on second thought, Screech passing out could be funny, especially if it gave him a concussion.

In the hallway, the gang has a plan to get Mrs. Steele to quit as chaperon. Tommy D broadcasts a fake news report on the radio about killer bees invading California and then…
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Yeah, Bobby comes in as a very unconvincing employee for the “Department of Agriculture, bees division” and that the killer bees have invaded Big Bear Mountain. Yeah, the Department of Agriculture is not in charge of wildlife since…I don’t know…animals aren’t agriculture! I get that Google and Wikipedia weren’t around in the mid-90s, but there was still these little things called encyclopedias that can do a world of good when it comes to fucking research!

But in the Saved by the Bell universe, all adults are fucking morons so Mrs. Steele completely buys it and quits as chaperon. Mr. Belding happens to be doing running jumping jacks down the hall just as this happens and the gang conveniently convince him to appoint Screech as the chaperon since it will get Screech the fuck away from Mr. Belding.

At The Max, Megan says Nurse Brady is depressed because it’s her first blood drive and no one has given blood. She then immediately contradicts herself by saying Lindsay gave blood, and we already know they turned down a perfectly good candidate in Mr. Belding. Everyone has excuses such as Rachel’s brilliant, “I was having a bad hair day,” and Tommy D’s desire to go riding on Angelo’s motorcycle because endangering a minor is cool.

Screech comes in and the remaining gang tell him he’s fucking going hiking with them so get a fucking move on. Screech says he can’t go hiking because he’s heartbroken over Nurse Brady rejecting him even though she hasn’t yet. Brian assures him that if he asks Nurse Brady out, she’ll say yes.

In the next scene, Brian convinces Nurse Brady that, if she goes out with Screech, he’ll get donors for her. I think I’d rather quit my job.

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In a scene reminiscent of Looney Tunes, Tommy D quite literally waves a sandwich in front of Meat and Hacksaw, convincing them to give blood.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h35m11s122

The girls flirt with Bobby in order to convince a couple extras that giving blood is hella sexy and will get you lots of hot butt sex.

And Milton and Woodrow are convinced to give blood because…they’re smart and intelligence is apparently passed on through blood in this weird, fucked up universe.

The whole school is lined up to give blood and I think his may be the most students we’ve ever seen at Bayside at one time. Tommy D and Bobby drag Screech in, Nurse Brady agrees to go out with him, and he promptly faints into Bobby’s arms because he’d rather have Bobby.

So where else as an adult would you take your date in the Saved by the Bell universe than the place you hung out at as a teenager: The Max. Oh, Screech does know how to impress a woman.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h37m14s94

And the gang is all there, doing their best impersonation of being subtle in trying to see how the date goes.

So Screech is a complete fuck up on the date. He causes Nurse Brady to fall on her ass, took Nurse Brady to see a fake Ernest movie, Ernest Goes Skiing, and pours water all over Nurse Brady. In a rare moment of insight, Screech realizes he’s a fuck up and tells Nurse Brady he just gets so nervous he doesn’t know how to act around her. This reverses everything else he’s done the whole evening and she suddenly loves him, believing this to be the genuine Screech. Uh, sorry to break the news to you, but six previous years of seeing Screech fuck up has taught us that the fuck up is the genuine Screech.

And, as Nurse Brady goes to the restroom to clean up, Screech is so elated he tells Brian, who has broken his cover, he’ll now chaperon their trip.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h40m22s177

Back at Bayside, Mr. Belding is running around in circles with Screech because this is effective exercise. Nurse Brady comes in to give Mr. Belding his follow up exam because that’s something else blood donor nurses totally do.

Screech goes to get lunch for Mr. Belding from the cafeteria and Nurse Brady tells Mr. Belding the entire story of them going out. Screech just happens to come back at the part where the gang bribed her to go out with Screech and Screech is suddenly stricken with the realization that women still find him repulsive.

I know I said the Mr. Belding not going on the trip thing was contrived but now we get even worse contrivance. With a minute and a half left in the episode, Tommy D and Megan rush in to tell Mr. Belding that Angelo has been in a motorcycle accident, is at the hospital and needs a blood transfusion. His blood type just happens to be O negative and Screech just happens to be the only other person at Bayside with O negative blood. My god, if it was any more contrived it might blow up from the sheer stupidity! Really, first of all they want us to give a damn about a minor character we’ve seen for three scenes who’s never been on the show before and they want us to give a damn in a minute and a half. It would have been a hell of a lot more effective to make this a two-parter and have it be Tommy D or even Mr. Belding in the accident. Then we might actually give a damn. But I forget The New Class writers all got their writing credentials with four proofs of purchase from specially marked boxes of Rice Krispies.

So the gang, Nurse Brady, and Mr. Belding all look around for Screech and can’t find them. He suddenly shows up at the blood drive because he wants to help Angelo, presumably because Angelo is a father and the kids shouldn’t lose their father at a young age. Nurse Brady uses Screech having blood taken as an excuse to tell Screech how she really feels since Screech isn’t passing out at the sight of blood this time. The gang apologize, Screech agrees to go on the trip, and he and Nurse Brady kiss.vlcsnap-2014-07-18-18h43m24s196

And is it just me or is she kissing his cheek when she’s supposed to be kissing his mouth. Is she just as repulsed as the rest of us?

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And we end with Mrs. Steele taking over as Mr. Belding’s new personal trainer because…I haven’t a fucking clue. I guess we’re left to assume Angelo died of his injuries, though, since we never see him on the show again. He was at Bayside long enough that I hope they decide to give him an honorary high school diploma!

Angelo RIPRest in peace, old prince!

Saved by the Bell Season 2, Episode 13: “Running Zack”

Once upon a time, the native peoples of North and South America were proud. They ruled land from the Arctic Circle to the southern tip of the Americas. Thing weren’t perfect but it was a noble way of life. Then the Europeans came in and quickly destroyed what they had built. Native American lands were stolen from them under the doctrine of Manifest Destiny. Whole tribes were exterminated, notably on the tragic Trail of Tears. Native Americans were relegated to reservations where their way of life was all but exterminated.

Then, to compound injury, pop culture insulted the Native Americans time and time again. Sports teams find their namesakes in overtly and covertly racist terms that they refuse to change. Westerns depict the Native Americans as savages who are only out to kill the white man. Ignorant pop culture figures wear sacred Native American garments without any thought as to the meaning behind said garments.

But none of this indignity compares to the treatment Native Americans have received at the hands of Saved by the Bell.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h42m50s58

We open at The Max where everyone practically sucks Zack Morris’s cock because of how well he did at the track meet. Zack Morris is their star runner and, thanks to him, they might beat Valley on Friday.

Zack Morris wants to celebrate with the only five people in the world who will call him a friend but Lisa says she can’t stay because she has to finish her family history project for tomorrow. Kelly asks what she found out and Lisa says her great-great-great grandfather was a slave in the south who escaped and helped other slaves escape via the Underground Railroad. My god…Lisa’s one of like three African-American students in the school and this may be the first time they’ve ever acknowledged it. I get that the writers are trying to go for the color blindness bull shit but it’s Los Angeles in the early ’90s. There’s a prime opportunity here to explore race. But this is Saved by the Bell and the deepst we’ve gotten so far is a lecture on why caffeine pills are evil.

Slater’s the Latino student so his great-grandfather had to be a matador. Jessie’s all like, “Think of the animals!” but won’t say who her ancestors were, only that they are dead. That’s deep. And, of course, Zack Morris hasn’t done his assignment yet so all he knows is that the Bible tells him he’s related to Adam and Eve.

In Zack Morris’s room, Zack Morris and Screech are going through a trunk that contains a photo Zack Morris has never seen before despite the trunk being in his house.
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Yes, this is the reason for my rant at the beginning. We’re going with the idea that Zack Morris is Native American here. Now let’s break this down. Most people with the last name “Morris” are of English, Scottish, Welsh, or Irish origin, with a minority of German or Jewish origin. Let’s combine this with Zack Morris’s blonde hair, fair skin, and funny body freckles. Boy doesn’t have a drop of Native American blood in him. I do not buy this Native American origin story for a second and don’t want to hear the excuse, “Well, maybe it’s his mother’s side of the family.” Boy is of Nordic origin. There’s no doubting it.

But, yeah, this is the story we’re going with. The fact that Zack Morris finds a random picture of a Native American must mean they’re related because plot.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h45m54s94 At school the next day, Lisa finishes her presentation, which is, by far, the best presentation we’re going to see out of this project.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h47m14s148

Miss Wentworth is back as a history teacher this time since I guess Carol Lawrence needed the work. Jessie is up next and…her ancestors were slave traders…

Okay, Spano is an Italian surname and, guess what? The Italians were not involved in the slave trade. Yeah, the writers decided they wanted to do a half-assed exploration of white guilt and put it on the most socially conscious of the gang without any thought as to whether it was a realistic portrayal or not.

Jessie’s now insanely paranoid about everyone hating her because of her ancestors, especially Lisa. Lisa’s just kind of sitting there like, “I can’t believe I’m the sane one in this episode!” as Jessie starts apologizing profusely as Miss Wentworth tells her to sit the fuck down and get a grip.

And next, it’s time for Zack Morris, and…oh god, no…
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Yes, we’re going to play “Dress Up Screech Like a Racial Stereotype.” Apparently Screech believes that all Native Americans are paralyzed on one side of their bodies and that they enjoy holding their arms crossed in front of their bodies. And…oh god no…
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Zack Morris just used lipstick to put fake war paint on Screech. Can this get any more uncomfortable?
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I had to ask, didn’t I? A toy tomahawk. Oh my god. And what does Screech do with this tomahawk? Grunt like a caveman and beat his chest? vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h48m53s89

Opening my big mouth again. He says, “Me hungry!” and cuts Miss Wentworth’s apple in half with it.

Okay, I don’t give a damn if you’re trying to set Zack Morris up to learn a valuable lesson later. You just portrayed both him and Screech as shit faced, asshole racists who don’t know the difference between a Native American and Captain Caveman. And, to make matters worse, Miss Wentworth tries to put an end to this mockery by asking what tribe Zack Morris is a part of, to which he replies the Cherokee, who live over there in the valley past the freeway.

I would like to remind my readers that the Cherokee are the tribe who were massacred in the Trail of Tears. Nice sensitivity there guys.

The bell rings and Miss Wentworth keeps Zack Morris after class to tell him that his presentation was fucking bull shit and that she wants him to go see a friend of hers after school. I’m going to ignore the fact that it probably violates some law or, at the least, a school regulation to require a student to visit a random adult without parental permission, but I’m only going to ignore it because it’s the least of this episode’s problems. Zack Morris says he has track practice after school and Miss Wentworth tells him tough shit because track is the least of his problems if he doesn’t get this project done.
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Meet Chief Henry, Miss Wentworth’s friend. Now I have a few questions about the good chief here. First of all, where the fuck is he living? Is this someone’s garage? They say at one point he attended UCLA but, if that’s the case, why is he living like this?

Second, what is he chief of? We never hear what tribe Chief Henry is a part of, but chief is a very specific title that not just anyone can use. Not every Native American is a chief, assholes.

Third, how does Miss Wentworth know Chief Henry? They never tell us but, from her reaction later in the episode, the best I can guess is that they’re fuck buddies, which makes her sending Zack Morris to his house even creepier.

But, yeah, even Chief Henry thinks Zack Morris being Native American is bullshit. The writers are pointing out how bullshit this entire plot is without me having to say it. Zack Morris shows Chief Henry the picture but doesn’t want to listen to anything Chief Henry has to say because he has to hurry and get to track practice. vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h51m36s188

Chief Henry is like, “Fuck this bullshit. I didn’t ask for some racist prick to come around to my place,” gives Zack Morris a shit ton of books to read, and sends him on his way.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h51m50s83

So who does Zack Morris see for relief? Why, Mr. Belding, who suddenly cares more about beating Valley than he does about Zack Morris’s education. Mr. Belding calls Miss Wentworth in and asks her to give Zack Morris an extension. Miss Wentworth is all, “Fuck that shit. Little racist piece of shit had a month to do the project. He’s getting what he’s getting.”

At The Max, Zack Morris is reading through Chief Henry’s books when Slater, Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa come in bummed that they could lose the tournament if their favorite Nordic Native American doesn’t get to play. Cry me a river.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h53m45s211

Meanwhile, Jessie is bugging the shit out of Lisa to let her do something to make up for her ancestor enslaving the black folk. Jessie’s all, “Let me buy you a Coke or a salad, because that totally makes up for the oppression and degradation of your ancestors.” Lisa’s like, “I’m sick of your fucking insanity. If you’re going to keep up like this, I might as well take advantage of you. Take me shopping at the mall!” And Slater’s all jealous that no one is paying attention to the stereotype the writers have put on his ancestors’ ethnicity.

Zack Morris finds out that his ancestor’s picture is in one of the books as a famous chief. Yay! Everyone’s a chief in this episode!
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Zack Morris returns to Chief Henry and begs him to tell him about his ancestor. Chief Henry gives Zack Morris his new stereotypical Native American sounding name of “Running Zack” because…he runs and he’s a Zack…

I know Jessie’s the one who’s supposed to be feeling white guilt, but right now I’m feeling quite a bit of it myself…

Now it took me a bit to understand the tribe that Chief Henry claims Zack Morris’s great-great-great grandfather was a part of, but it was apparently the Nez Pierce tribe, a group that was primarily in what is now North-Central Idaho but also stretched into Washington, Wyoming, and Montana. This begs the question of how Chief Henry knows so much about Zack Morris’s ancestor. Are they implying that all Native Americans know each other?
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Zack Morris decides to go to the beach with Chief Henry to hear more stories but not before Chief Henry gives him a stereotypical Native American headband that he claims is a symbol of Zack Morris’s tribe. After all the bull shit in this episode, why do I question the validity of that statement?vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h58m08s23

At school the next day, we start off with Screech, who is apparently Italian and doing the most stereotypical portrayal of a womanizing Italian he can come up with, because the last name Powers is so Italian. He comes off sounding like one of the Mario Brothers and sexually harasses Lisa, Miss Wentworth, and an extra in the process but still manages to get an A. I guess I should be thankful he didn’t bring pizza and spaghetti.

Next up is Zack Morris again and…oh god…vlcsnap-2014-07-14-16h59m04s71

I think it was better when the writers were purposely going for exaggerated stereotypes rather than unintentionally being degrading. Even the audience sounds uncomfortable, like they don’t know whether they’re supposed to be laughing or not. We get a history lesson that includes every cliché about Native Americans except for casinos and alcoholism. Hell, why didn’t they just go for it all while they were at it?

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Everyone loves Zack Morris’s project and he predictably gets an A, much to the delight of Mr. Belding.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h01m01s211

And he’s happy for Zack Morris. Uncomfortably happy. Even the extra in the background notices it and looks horrified.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h01m45s142

Zack Morris makes a phone call to Chief Henry before going to the pep rally and the look on his face implies there’s bad news. Meanwhile, Jessie wants to carry Lisa’s books because white guilt!
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Why does it not surprise me a pep rally is being held at The Max? vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h03m02s142

Lisa has acrylic nails so she can cross the finish line faster. Kelly is doing some of the worst cheers I’ve ever heard in this franchise, and that says a lot.
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And no one notices Zack Morris isn’t there until he doesn’t run up when called. They must have thought this was going to be an episode where Zack Morris turned invisible. Kelly decides something must be wrong so she gives Mr. Belding pom pom duty and goes to look for him.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h03m59s209

And yes, she finds Zack Morris and Miss Wentworth commiserating over the death of Chief Henry, a super important character who hasn’t ever been seen before this episode but whom Zack Morris claims was important to him. Yes, Zack Morris, those two times you met him, one of which you basically blew him off, were so important in the grand scheme of things. We never find out what Chief Henry died from but, since he was looking perfectly healthy and even on his way to the beach, we can only assume it’s the deadly plot contrivance-itis in which bad television writers try to manipulate us into feeling sad over a situation we, as the viewer, have no emotional investment in.

But, yeah, Zack Morris is so broken up that he can’t run on Friday because plot and stuff.
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And that night, Zack Morris thinks he’s dreaming…
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when Chief Henry wanders into his bedroom…
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and gets into bed with Zack Morris….eew….vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h06m46s77

Zack Morris’s hallucination tells him to look for the answer to his grief in his hand…vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h07m14s98and he finds out he’s holding the headband Chief Henry gave him.vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h07m28s224

Back at Bayside, Jessie’s still on about her white guilt and Lisa’s all, “Look, you insane bitch. What the slave traders did to my ancestors was shitty. But you’re acting a fool and I’m going to beat the living shit out of you if you don’t stop acting like a crazy woman!” And so ends our white guilt subplot.

Everyone’s down about the chances of beating Valley without Zack Morris when who should come down the stairs but…Zack Morris!
vlcsnap-2014-07-14-17h09m10s238He reveals that he just happened to never notice before that Chief Henry had printed “Beat Valley” into the headband. Either that or we’re supposed to believe it’s some supernatural shit. Either way, Zack Morris is fired up to go and beat Valley.

And, with that horrible, horrible episode over, I apologize profusely on behalf of ignorant white folk everywhere who managed to fuck up two racial plots. All we learn from this episode is that the writers of this show are about as deep as a Twilight novel when it comes to tackling serious issues. If there is anyone of Native American ancestry reading, I’ll buy you a Coke and a salad to make up for it.