Zack Morris reminds Kelly they’ve been going steady for sixty-eight days, which is probably as much news for her as it is for us considering the ending of last week’s episode. Either these writers can’t keep their timelines straight or NBC is airing the episodes out of order again. I can believe either one. Of course, there’s always possibility number three: they don’t give a shit.
Slater and Jessie exchange some sexually suggestive dialogue that I think involves Jessie’s boobs and how Slater wants to see them shake. I’m surprised that this made it to Saturday morning television. Don’t worry, Slater. In three years, Jessie will make a horrible movie that will feature her boobs prominently. Oh and Slater’s sexually suggestive nickname for Jessie is “Honey Lips.” Could they get any more risque? Next they’ll have the Honey Nut Cheerios bee dancing seductively.
Zack Morris and Kelly tell Jessie and Slater that they’ve basically been going out since the prom so they should just fuck and get it over with. Once again, this is news to us, the audience, since a plot point earlier this season was that Slater hadn’t asked Jessie out again since the prom. Remember, Zack Morris? You tried to give him horrible dating advice on your shitty 900 number.
Kelly says Slater and Jessie should just make it official. Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Power to my pussy! Down with the man!” and Slater’s all, “Whatever will get me in Jessie’s pants.” So they don’t want to go steady because Jessie thinks it will be oppressive.
They end this timeline contradicting scene with a kiss that the audience loses their shit over.
At Bayside, Lisa gives us some exposition that school gossip claims Slater and Jessie are a couple. Magically, in the space of a scene transition, Jessie dropped her feminist caricature and decided to date Slater. Kelly suggests they celebrate with a date Saturday and the audience loses their shit again as they exchange sweet nothings that would make the Little Rascals blush.
Zack Morris suggests to Kelly that they should do something special for their ten week anniversary on Saturday since that’s such a crucial anniversary. Kelly says she can’t because Todd Winfield is in town, who is apparently her rich, Mel Gibson-like ex-boyfriend. So does that mean he spouts anti-Semitic slurs at police and makes snuff films about Jesus? I want to know when these two dated considering how much both Zack Morris and Slater were up Kelly’s ass last season. Was it before the giant move from Indiana?
At The Max, there’s a wacky misunderstanding about where Jessie’s and Slater’s date will be. Uh, oh! They both bought tickets before they bothered to consult the other because they’re both dumb asses! What’s more, they both bought tickets to something it should have been obvious the other won’t enjoy: Jessie to ballet and Slater to a football game! This is so wacky! All this really reminds me of is that there was a time people wanted to see the Raiders.
Jessie’s hella pissed and says that Slater is a sexist pig for not enjoying ballet. I think there’s a flaw in her logic there. Slater tells her to fuck off and they both decide to fuck off.
The four guys present, including Moose and, for some reason, one of the geeks from “Model Students”, are against getting rid of the sports jerseys. I get Moose, but why the hell does the nerd care? After all, we’ve previously established no nerds enjoy sports in the Saved by the Bell universe.
Everyone starts fighting so much Mr. Belding breaks his gavel. He brings Zack Morris, Slater, Kelly, and Jessie into his office. There’s some heated name calling like “Meat Head” and “Skinny Lips.” After hearing their exaggerated grievances, Mr. Belding receives a phone call from Mrs. Belding and tells the four they should learn from his superior relationship. We find out Mrs. Belding has a first name (Becky), and Mr. Belding has a falling out with his wife because she wants her mother to stay in their house. I can almost hear the *wah wah wah* music.At The Max, Mr. Belding is having an inappropriate moment with Screech talking about the fall out of his relationship. Doesn’t he have friends or family that he can do this shit with? We also find out The Max was once an Italian restaurant when he was a kid because that’s what all the kids loved, back before a shitty magician bought it and made it a diner where nobody ever eats the food.
Mr. Belding follows Screech to Zack Morris’s house. This…is getting creepy. Don’t Zack Morris’s parents think it’s strange the principal of their son’s school is hanging out at their house with high schoolers? He would have had to go through the living room to get to Zack Morris’s bedroom, right?
And Mr. Belding fulfills his fantasies of sleeping in Zack Morris’s bed? Oh, Zack Morris has now had Screech and Mr. Belding in his bed! Yeah, Mr. Belding says men have to stick together and that men don’t need women; women need men.
We cut to…the girls needing the guys. Lisa’s the voice of reason and tells the girls they should try seeing things from the other person’s perspective. She also tells them they need to swallow their pride and make up. Lisa then proceeds to tell them she’s going to do it for them since she doesn’t have much else to do this episode.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding bought pizza for the guys. Seriously, where are Zack Morris’s parents? This is getting rather creepy the longer Mr. Belding is in Zack Morris’s bedroom! The four do their “man cheer,” which is just the four of them burping in unison. You know, disturbingly, I hear that’s a sexual fetish in some groups.
Lisa comes in and expresses mild surprise that Mr. Belding is there but takes his explanation of, “Bonding with my boys,” very nonchalantly. Seriously, it’s like nobody gives a second thought to a high school principal hanging out with his students in their bedrooms. Lisa tells Zack Morris and Slater that Kelly and Jessie want to make up.
Mr. Belding convinces Zack Morris and Slater that making up is stupid and they should remain sexless virgins forever and hang out with him. They tell Lisa to tell the girls, “Thanks but no thanks,” and Lisa’s like, “Whatever, I’m getting out of this stupid scene!”
At Bayside, Slater gives some gratuitous fan service in the locker room as Zack Morris comes in. They decide that listening to their possible pederast principal was a bad idea and they need to get back with their girls.
After Mr. Belding suggests a guy’s night out involving tacos and bowling, Zack Morris warps the laws of time and space to tell us, the viewer, that he has a plan to get rid of Mr. Belding and get their girls back. He then proceeds to use his phone to order flowers for both Beldings from each other. So how does warping the laws of time and space work? Does it only freeze people in the general vicinity of Zack Morris but not florist employees?
Mr. Belding assumes flowers means his wife has caved so he decides to go home and cancel tacos and bowling. He says he’s her little “whoopey whoopey” and goes home to his wife who will soon confirm that this was another Zack Morris scheme.
Cut to The Max, which has nicely allowed Zack Morris and Slater to use it as a place to meet Jessie and Kelly after hours when the employees have gone home. The Max must really trust our gang since they’re the primary six customers. I think our gang just gets whatever the hell they want because they have blackmail on Max.
Lisa comes out dressed as Beyonce to play the role of Jessie. Slater’s all, “My feelings don’t matter and I should have just caved to an activity I dislike in order to please you because that’s the foundation of all great relationships!”
Slater proceeds to strip off his clothes and dance throughout The Max, because I needed a reminder of what Slater looks like in spandex. The audience loves Slater in spandex so much that they nearly have a heart attack from how much they lose their shit. I think someone may need first aid.
Meanwhile, Kelly’s been taking too many caffeine pills since she now resembles Screech in a Blossom wig. Zack Morris tells our caffeine pill overdosing Kelly that he thinks it’s great she’s still friends with her ex-boyfriend, trusts her completely, and would say anything to get some more of that sweet sweet poon.
The girls instantly forgive Zack Morris and Slater and there’s one more excuse for the audience to lose their shit. I hope there weren’t any old people with heart conditions in the audience for this episode because they have been emotional for a record number of times.And we close with caffeine pill overdosing Kelly crying because she doesn’t know which bathroom to use. Yay, gender confusion. Classy way to end an overly sappy, sometimes creepy episode you guys.
Firsts: Mrs. Belding’s first name (Becky), Zack Morris and Kelly go steady, Slater and Jessie go steady.