It’s our second out of season episode for season two, and we open with the gang, including Screech, who forgot to put his clothes on, gathered at The Max because Kelly has called them there for an emergency.Oh god, it’s a baby episode. Meet Kelly’s baby brother, Billy, who will never be seen or mentioned again after this episode. The premise of this episode is that Kelly’s parents have been snowed in at one of those notorious Los Angeles ski lodges in the horrible Los Angeles blizzards. Kelly has to babysit Billy until they get back because there are no other adults in her life who can do it nor are there any such things as daycare services in the Saved by the Bell universe, so the natural choice is to ask your teenage daughter to play hookie from school so she can babysit.
Kelly has an Earth shattering dilemma, though: she has to get her cheerleading photo taken during first period and she needs the gang to watch Billy in the meantime. I think this is what they call first world white people problems. Oh, and, apparently Lisa and Jessie are suddenly not cheerleaders anymore since they’re not concerned with getting their pictures taken. Of course, the real reason is it’s not convenient to the plot, but the writers hope we’re too stupid to realize that.
The gang reluctantly agrees at Slater’s urging but then promptly leave the baby in the sole care of the second most incompetent member of the gang so they can all go and tend to their own first world problems. So, what does Zack Morris decide to do?
Why, take the baby to school in a gym bag. He’s had the baby exactly thirty seconds and he’s already acting the neglectful babysitter. What is it with just randomly bringing kids to Bayside? I’m sure there’s some kind of rule against that.
What follows is a minute and a half of one of the worst gags I’ve yet to see on this show. Billy starts crying at random intervals that make me think the director has never heard an actual baby cry. Madame Oeuf, being the type of idiot that adults on this show usually are, can’t tell the difference between a baby crying and Zack Morris doing a French accent.
So Madame Oeuf encourages all the extras in the room to imitate Billy’s crying. And that’s it, for a full minute and a half, until Lisa just walks right in the room and whispers something in Zack Morris’s ear, causing Zack Morris to exclaim, “Kelly did what!” and then say he had to go, because it’s perfectly acceptable to walk out of class whenever you want as long as it moves the plot along. Oh, and the extras, still imitating Zack Morris, say they all have to go and stand up and leave.
In the hallway, we find out that Kelly broke her arm getting her picture taken, and there’s not even an attempt to hide Billy at this point. Keeping in the spirit of the idiocy of this episode, no extras or adults even bat an eye at Zack Morris having a baby because young Kapowski children have free reign to come and go at Bayside whenever they want.
Jessie and Lisa suggest that they should leave the baby with the school nurse or Mr. Belding because I’m sure neither of them have anything better to do in their day than babysit a child that shouldn’t be there to begin with. Zack Morris insists that he’s the best incompetent babysitter around and he’s going to see it out. Yeah, the yearbook photographer is Max, who’s been hired without Mr. Belding’s knowledge and is even being paid…without Mr. Belding’s knowledge. Yeah, that’s not how it works guys. Max says he was hired because photography is his hobby. I mean, it’s not like he has a restaurant to run or anything so he might as well just randomly come take lots of picture of Bayside. Actually, that’s sounding kind of creepy now.
In the locker room, lucky Billy has just witnessed Zack Morris and Slater change into their sports clothes for pictures. Once again, coming back to this episode’s theme of first world problems, Zack Morris has to find someone to watch Billy while he gets his picture taken for track. Slater says he’ll do it after wrestling picture.
The baby starts crying so Slater thinks may he should give Billy his ding dong in case he’s hungry for one. They realize he needs to be changed and proceed to take his diaper off. We get some full frontal baby nudity and, of all the things they could have managed to get right on this show, they managed to get the right sex of baby.
Considering that Billy is very naked from the waist down, it makes.the way this extra comes up to stare at Billy extremely creepy.
But, yeah, the idiots two get the diaper off but then decide to argue about who gets the privilege of covering Billy’s nether regions. Their idiocy manages to get the last diaper torn in half. Slater runs off and Zack Morris walks to a locker. For a second, I was horrified as I thought Zack Morris was about to just stick him in the locker, but, instead, Zack Morris gets out one of Slater’s t-shirts and wraps Billy in it.
Good Morning, Miss Bliss age. And about to be on The College Years age. In all three ages, the running gag is Zack Morris is too smart for his hell spawn’s antics. Yeah, even the audience sounds like they’re half-heartedly laughing.
The writers manage to forget that they just established a couple minutes earlier that Slater was going to watch Billy while Zack Morris got his picture taken, so, in order to move what little plot this episode has along, he pawns the baby off on Jessie and Lisa. By some great coincidence, it happens to be the day where everyone plays with baby dolls in their home economics class.
Their teacher, Mrs. Hatcher, is played by the aunt from Step by Step, and does a good job of adhering to the all adults are idiots rule as she doesn’t realize Billy’s crying is not coming from one of the plastic dolls.
…and he ends up bringing Zack Morris one of the dolls. As if this plot wasn’t convoluted enough, not only do Jessie and Lisa not notice he got the wrong “baby,” they don’t notice that Billy, a living, breathing, human being, is still in the room, and leave him behind. When they return to look for him, they discover that Billy must have taken his first steps in the interim because he’s not in the room. We can only hope Mrs. Hatcher discovered him and called Child Protective Services.
Their method of searching involves moving at the speed of light in and out of the various lockers.The intercom comes on with some crying, and the gang rush into Mr. Belding’s office to find out that a semi-competent adult has Billy. The gang manage to convince Mr. Belding that he didn’t find an abandoned baby but, instead, has memory loss about agreeing to watch Billy during the yearbook photos so that Kelly doesn’t find out how completely incompetent her friends are.
Max comes in and randomly takes a picture of the rest of the cast with a baby so that Bayside can always remember that babies are allowed to come to school whenever adults are too incompetent to find a proper babysitter.And our pointless, pointless episode ends with Billy saying his first words, “This episode is fucking stupid, almost worse than the ‘Screech is an alien’ episode from two weeks ago!” Or it may have been, “Zack.” It’s one or the other.
Firsts: A baby at Bayside.