The New Class Season 2, Episode 5: “Squash It”


We open with this sight: Screech walking through the hallway drumming. And why is he drumming you ask? Why, to get everyone’s attention, because that makes complete sense. Mr. Belding wants to announce preparations for the school carnival but if he catches anyone fighting, he’ll cancel the whole thing because it’s completely reasonable to cancel a school event based on the actions of a few people.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h29m08s185

Screech is apparently armed with glitter nowadays.

But what this scene really makes me ask is why Mr. Belding is now making announcements like this? Are they saying that these the only students at Bayside? Wouldn’t the PA system have been more appropriate?

The students will also be competing for a prize. The booth that sells the most tickets will win a night out in Los Angeles! Wow, that’s exciting, a trip all the way to Los Angeles, where they live! This trip will come complete with a dinner at the Shay Palisades Bistro and front row tickets for the Whitney Houston concert. Something tells me the school spent all their money on the concert and couldn’t afford much else.

In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech wants to sell lots of fake plastic food on sticks, including “spaghetti on a stick.”  If this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry: it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the episode.

Brian and Rachel come in and want to recruit Mr. Belding for a dunk tank. Mr. Belding tells them to fuck off because Milton and Frieda, whoever that is, have dibs.

Bobby wants Megan to team up with him for a fortune telling booth where she feeds Bobby answers in terrible puns. They try it out on Rachel, who is seemingly duped into believing that Bobby is a psychic. This may be the best acting I’ve ever seen Sarah Lancaster do on any show as she seems genuinely believable.

Bayside just can’t seem to get rid of its remedial students who are well into their twenties! This is Kirk, who will serve as an antagonist throughout the rest of this episode. Kirk wants to fuck the living shit out of Megan and he won’t take no for an answer, which makes him come off as sort of rapey. I know I’m supposed to hate this guy but he’s just making me feel uncomfortable.

Bobby tries to get in between them and Kirk turns Bobby into a giant turtle as he spins him around. Tommy D comes up ready to beat the shit out of Kirk but, as usual, Lindsay stops him because fighting is bad, mmmkay? She’s really scared that Mr. Belding will cancel the carnival because of an isolated event involving a total ass wipe. Besides, you know, plot.

Screech has a classroom reserved as a really elaborate place to sign up for booths. Rachel reveals to Brian that she only pretended to believe Bobby’s fortune telling and, really, he sucks ass. 

Brian proceeds to tell Milton and Frieda, who we find out is a new addition to Team Nerd, that the person who ran the dunk tank last year was forced to move away. Yeah, Rachel and Brian are going to be known as Team Assholes throughout this episode. Milton and Frieda run out on the dunk tank, leaving it for Brian and Rachel to steal.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h36m04s252

Lindsay and Tommy D can’t stop making out for long enough to agree on a booth so, when Screech suggests they run a kissing booth, they readily agree.

At The Max, Bobby and Megan are practicing for the mind reading booth except Bobby sucks ass even with obvious prompts. Megan leaves to create a script and Kirk, who has been loitering and waiting for the opportunity, comes up and starts talking smak about Bobby. Kirk tells Bobby to leave his future date rape victim alone, and Bobby politely declines. Kirk dumps fries on Bobby as Screech comes in and, since there are no responsible adults in The Max, Kirk just leaves with no consequences for bullying or causing a scene.

Instead, Screech suggests that maybe he can help Bobby with his bullying problem. And…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m22s17

Oh lord. Screech is suddenly a black belt in karate. Why is it I would believe that Screech bought the uniform at a yard sale? It’s easier to believe than if he actually took the classes to earn it.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m34s133

Oh, god, make it stop…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m43s212

Seriously…make it stop…vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h37m51s43

It’s not going to stop, is it?

Screech tells Bobby that, when he was a student at Bayside, he was bullied as well, and karate was how he learned to protect himself. That’s why we never saw Screech doing anything karate related in the original series, other than his incredibly racist impersonation of a Japanese person in season one.

As if every martial arts film ever made hadn’t done it first, Screech starts Bobby’s training by having him wash Mr. Belding’s windows because, in the world of Hollywood, doing menial everyday chores can give you incredible martial arts skills. He continues his training in the hallway by washing the lockers.

Megan comes up and gives Bobby the new codes just as Kirk comes down the stairs. Bobby stuffs himself in a locker since he’s not prepared to wash Kirk yet so Kirk continues his sexual harassment.

Hacksaw and his buddy, Spike, find Lindsay and Tommy D so they can lust over how much they’ve wanted to finger bang Lindsay. Spike must have been held back even more times than Kirk. I wonder if he remembers when Mr. Belding was the DJ at the radio station.

Tommy D is such an idiot that he only then realizes that a kissing booth means Lindsay will be kissing boys. What did he think it meant, that people would pay to see them kiss? Tommy D forbids Lindsay to kiss other boys and Lindsay is all, “Fuck that shit!”vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h41m09s223

Mr. Belding conveniently has a cold from taking Little Zack to Sea World because it’s a common thing to get colds from visiting an aquarium…apparently. This means that he won’t be able to be in Brian and Rachel’s dunk booth because…plot. Brian comes up with a new idea: make everyone want to dunk him.

vlcsnap-2014-07-29-19h49m07s41Holy shit, it’s Tara Reid! No, seriously, that’s Tara “I’ll Star in Any Movie Offered to Me” Reid! Now here’s a celebrity I can believe got her start on The New Class. She’s never been a good actress so it only figures she got her on this show! Anyway, Brian tells Tara Reid that she’s fat and Rachel follows up with the opportunity to dunk Brian at the carnival. Hey, Tara Reid has survived Sharknados, twice. If she can do that, surely she can dunk Brian!
vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h42m34s55He continues the sabotage of his reputation by telling Hacksaw and Spike that they’re fucking morons, and he tells Milton that he has monkey breathe. So, the plan is for Brian to be an even bigger dick than usual and ruin what little positive reputation he has at Bayside?

At The Max, Screech butts into Tommy D and Lindsay’s affairs and makes things even worse by suggesting that Tommy D kiss girls. Screech was actually hoping Tommy D would give him a kiss but Tommy D can’t take a hint.


Bobby is continuing his karate training by…putting ketchup and mustard on hot dogs. Yeah, it’s obvious how this plot is going to turn out but it doesn’t make it any less moronic. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h44m58s210

Kirk thinks that Bobby is a dumb ass for listening to Screech as well and spreads some mustard on Bobby. Kirk tells Bobby to stop cock blocking his potential sexual assault and says he’ll murder Bobby if Bobby shows up at the carnival.

Bobby tells Screech he’s fucking pissed off at Screech’s bad advice, but Screech suddenly helps Bobby realize that washing windows and lockers and putting ketchup and mustard on hot dogs has turned him into Jackie Chan. Yeah, because karate doesn’t take years of persistence and practice to master. It only takes putting some fucking condiments on processed beef!

This episode is an insult to martial artists everywhere. vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h47m42s66

It’s time for the carnival and, though everyone is hitting the target, Brian isn’t falling in the water because he’s a fucking cheater. Mr. Belding comes in and fixes the booth and Brian is suddenly all wet.

Meanwhile, Spike is ready and excited over his kiss with Lindsay while Tara Reid kisses Tommy D. Oh, hilarious prostitution! But moments later they decide they don’t like kissing other people and deny Hacksaw his sweet, sweet sugar so they can make out throughout the rest of the episode.

Kirk comes in and decides that Bobby being late means that Megan is his new whore. But, oh no, Bobby comes in and the two step into the hallway for an epic rumble!

You can probably guess the rest. Tommy D stops kissing long enough for Brian and he to try to break up the fight, but Bobby is all, “No, it’s my fight and I have to finish this cliche!” Bobby dodges every one of Kirk’s punches.

This leads Kirk to break out a broom, which Bobby promptly breaks using mustard and ketchup power. He pushes Kirk down on the floor but, rather than showing him what washing windows can really do, has mercy on him and tells him to fuck the fucking fuck off. Mr. Belding comes out but missed the awesome powers of Ketchup-te so he’s none the wiser, and Screech is proud that his nonsensical ways have proven useful for another episode.

Back at the carnival, Brian and Rachel won the grand prize. Oh, but too much water has made Brian catch a cold because that’s the way it works in the Saved by the Bell universe. As a result, Mr. Belding says Brian shouldn’t to the concert. Rachel says that David will be happy to fly home from college just to see Whitney Houston since anything’s possible on this show and it’s not like flying in from Michigan for a single night costs money or anything, and Brian is dejected that he’s denied a night in the sack with Rachel once again.vlcsnap-2014-07-29-18h52m39s216And we close with Bobby looking confused as Megan gives him a thank you kiss and tells him that she’d be happy to go out with him anytime because Ketuchup-te is the sexiest marshal art form ever conceived.

Firsts: Frieda, Spike.

3 responses to “The New Class Season 2, Episode 5: “Squash It”

  1. So I have decided even though he should’ve have graduated already Milton is my favorite member of this cast. Also I noticed that the actors are extremely old, the original cast at least was HS age. Also had you not told me it was Tara Reid I wouldn’t have known that was her, she looks very different, pre-drugs and pre-plastic surgery. But upon close inspection, I could tell that it was younger pre-American Pie Tara, but only because you pointed her out.

  2. Pingback: Tara Reid Is Now In Her 40s, And She Looks Completely Different

  3. You think with all the trouble they took to make Brian get in the tank, he would’ve been shirtless. Isn’t that the whole point of a show like this? Get teen girls interested?

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