We open with a rare exterior shot of Kelly’s front door, which would look a lot more convincing if it weren’t painfully obvious it was shot on an indoor set. But if that’s this episode’s biggest problem, then we’re in for another good episode.
Zack Morris and Kelly are getting back from their romantic date seeing Ernest Goes to Jail and Zack Morris decides to ask Kelly to go steady with him. Kelly tells him she needs time to think about it and, all the while, they’re being heckled off-camera by yet another of Kelly’s siblings, Kyle, who’s being voiced by a grown man. I bring up this point only because it’s both impressive and scary how convincing this man is as a prepubescent child.
At Bayside, it’s school physical time as exemplified by Screech, who’s “cramming” for his physical. Yeah, this is going to be a running gag throughout the episode and it never really gets funny. Oh and Slater doesn’t want to get his school physical. I hope this doesn’t play into the plot!
After they’re gone, Zack Morris gets his books out of his locker when he’s approached by Jennifer, who’s played by that one woman who played David Hasselhoff’s boss/girlfriend for a season on Baywatch. If you watched Baywatch, you probably don’t remember her simply because you probably weren’t looking at her face very much during the show. The fact that she went on to “act” on Baywatch tells a lot about her acting on this show.
Jennifer is new to Bayside and looking for the nurse’s office. Zack Morris suddenly goes mute and uses really bad gestures to direct her there, all the while seeing her in sparkle vision. Jennifer says Zack Morris is cute and he automatically takes that as a sign she wants to fuck him.
Welcome back, Miss Simpson! Okay, between Miss Simpson and Mr. Dewey, I have to admit that I’m beginning to warm up to some of the regular Bayside faculty. Once again, the running gag is that Miss Simpson is deaf as shit, which is especially relevant given that the class assignment last night was to write a poem.
First up to read his poem is Screech:
“When Morning Comes”
When morning comes, I raise my head,
Shut off the alarm and get out of bed,
I brush my teeth like mother said,
and I always feed my spider, Ted.
Deep stuff, man. He should publish this shit. At least we know now where he developed the song-writing abilities he demonstrates on The New Class.
Lisa is next:
“Ode to the Mall”
So many stores all in one place,
It brings a big smile to my face,
I love to hop from shop to shop,
and buy and buy until I drop.
I think Lisa has a future in writing cheesy advertising jingles.
Lisa is kind enough to pause in the middle of her poem as the camera goes to Kelly and she tells Zack Morris to talk to her after class because she has an answer for him.
Mr. Belding tells the students on the intercom that they’re going to get their annual physicals and flu shots from Nurse Butcher, the school nurse, this week. Yeah, school nurses don’t give flu shots. Doctors and clinics do. Even if they did, there is no requirement in California for students to be vaccinated against the flu, which means that Bayside is forcing students to get a shot they don’t have to have. What’s worse, we find out Slater is scared of getting a flu shot, and this knowledge renders this subplot completely pointless since it shouldn’t actually be happening.
Kelly is next to give her poem.
“That Special Someone”
Those eyes so warm, that smile so bright,
I think about him day and night.
The cutest guy I’ll ever see,
And lucky, lucky, lucky me.
Did Miss Simpson not go over any of the mechanics of writing poetry with her class? Seriously, you can’t just rhyme some words and call it poetry.
Zack Morris is a complete scumbag during Kelly’s reading and has a fantasy sequence that she’s actually sparkly Jennifer. Yeah, I want to punch him in the balls right now for the inevitable plot that’s unfolding. I mean, we found out in season one that Zack Morris had been pining over Kelly for years. She finally dates him this season, and now a brief interaction with a woman he knows nothing about except her name is making him reconsider his entire relationship with Kelly. Fuck him. Fuck him in the ass with a baseball bat.
But there’s no time to dwell on this as Zack Morris, Jessie, and an extra are called to the nurse’s office for their physicals. We get our second subplot of the episode after Jessie fails her eye test and Nurse Butcher tells her that she needs glasses. Caffeine pills have ruined Jessie’s eye sight and now she’s near sighted. She automatically reacts in disgust to this as we all know that only nerds and geeks wear glasses in the Saved by the Bell universe so Jessie will finally be forced to accept her clique affiliation.
Before Zack Morris goes in, Nurse Butcher is called out of the room and Jennifer enters. She tells Zack Morris that she’s taking over as school nurse when Nurse Butcher retires next month, and Zack Morris suddenly gets an erection lasting more than four hours.
In the hallway, Kelly wonders what’s taking Zack Morris so long and she tells Screech she’s decided to go steady with him. Screech is so overwhelmed at the prospect of a threesome that he grabs Zack Morris in the hallway, but Zack Morris gets away before Screech can plant a hot kiss on him.
Kelly is not amused.
At The Max, Slater wants someone to write him a note to avoid his flu shot but Lisa and Jessie are all, “Fuck that shit! They shouldn’t be giving it to you anyway!”
Jessie then gets out her glasses and asks Kelly and Lisa how she looks. Lisa says she looks ridiculous and Screech comes up and says his grandmother’s friends wear glasses. We now know that only old people and ugly people wear glasses. There are no beautiful women in the world who wear glasses. So the moral of this subplot is going to be that Jessie realizes there’s nothing wrong with wanting to correct her visionand our resident ultrafeminist is going to say, “Fuck you!” to all her naysayers, right?
At Zack Morris’s house, Zack Morris is checking out his favorite person in the world: himself. Jessie comes through his window and tells him that Kelly is upset over how he’s been acting. Zack Morris tells her he’s having second thoughts because he’s in love with Jennifer but makes her promise not to tell anyone. She calls him a fucking swine and we get a fantasy sequence.
He’s operating on Mr. Belding, which surely means Mr. Belding will soon be dead.
Zack Morris comes in and asks Miss Simpson to go to the nurse. Kelly offers to walk Zack Morris there but he yells she wouldn’t want to see what’s going to happen there and Miss Simpson’s head continues to swell up to near-explosion status.
Mr. Belding comes in and Miss Simpson rips out her hearing aid before it kills her. Mr. Belding tells Slater it’s time for his physical. Uh oh!
Zack Morris tells Slater all his deepest feelings but is horrified to discover he just admitted his deepest homoerotic fantasies to Slater. Slater tells Zack Morris he’ll keep it a secret if Zack Morris gets his flu shot for him. Nurse Butcher comes in and tells Zack Morris to bend over, not because flu shots have to be administered in the butt but because she really wants to see Zack Morris’s ass.
At The Max, Zack Morris and Screech are jogging around the restaurant. Zack Morris tells Screech he doesn’t want to date Kelly exclusively and needs a horrible guy for Kelly to date so that she’ll continue pining after Zack Morris’s ever whim. Screech offers a guy on the chess team, Melvin Nerdling, and Zack Morris thinks this is perfect because names automatically denote what sort of personality a person has.
Kelly comes in and Zack Morris tells her he doesn’t want to date other people. Zack Morris leaves and, as Slater, Lisa, and Jessie walk in, she’s understandably pretty pissed off as she realizes she’s dating the biggest asshole at Bayside.
Jessie and Slater put two and two together and realize they both know what’s going on. Lisa picks up on context clues and says she’s going to Jennifer to tell her what Zack Morris did to Kelly.
Jennifer thinks Zack Morris is a fucking piece of shit for the way he’s treated Kelly. She tells Slater, Lisa, and Jessie she’ll take care of it. Jessie reads the eye chart without her glasses while she’s there and Jennifer tells her she got them all perfect. Turns out Nurse Butcher is going blind, which is why she’s retiring. Wait…so the school nurse now has the authority to prescribe eye glasses? Jessie didn’t go to an optometrist and confirm the diagnosis? And…wait…the resolution is that Jessie doesn’t need the glasses after all and everyone’s happy because glasses are stupid? Fucking shit. Way to give your young, impressionable viewers, many of whom will need eye glasses, a nice, stereotypical message about glasses being for nerds and geeks. God, as stupid as Full House was, at least their episode about Stephanie getting glasses got the message across that it is okay to correct your vision.
Jennifer proposes Zack Morris engage in statutory rape with her but Zack Morris is afraid of his bones being shattered under the weight of her husband’s punches and runs away.
Much to her credit, Kelly isn’t having it and Zack Morris meets Melvin Nerdling. Oh no! You mean someone who’s not a stereotypical nerd can enjoy chess? What has this world come to! Next you’ll tell me attractive people wear glasses!
Kelly tells Zack Morris to fuck off and our episode ends with Kyle dumping water on Zack Morris. I really enjoy it when Zack Morris gets what’s coming to him, although I fail to understand how Zack Morris didn’t know who Melvin was, especially since we find out Melvin is apparently a major jock. Oh well.