We open with Lindsay, Megan, and some extras locked out of their chemistry room because their teacher hasn’t shown up. They’ve called Screech to open the class but, in the meantime, Megan seems to think that pulling on the door really, really hard will open it. Sorry, Megan. She-Ra you are not.
Since Screech is an idiot, he hears “unlock the Chemistry room” as “there’s a fire burning out of control.” So, rather, than pull the fire alarm and evacuate, he shows up with a fire extinguisher to put out the non-existent blaze. Screech is pissed off that they would dare expect him to do his fucking job.
The boys come down and Tommy D and Brian want Screech to fix their squeaky locker. Okay, that’s not his job but he can pass it off to someone who can do something about it.
Next, Mr. Belding wants Screech to help him put together the booklets for his PSAT review session. Screech is pretty upset that Mr. Belding would dare ask an administrative assistant to do secretarial duties despite the fact this is what an administrative assistant does. What did Screech think this job would entail: sitting around masturbating with the gang all day?
Milton and Ron come around with the latest issue of the Bayside Breeze and are upset no one wants to read thrilling headlines such as, “Retainer Found on Cafeteria Tray.” Mr. Belding suggests they talk to their faculty adviser, to which Ron tells him that their adviser quit. Um, I’m pretty sure that would mean they wouldn’t be able to run the paper anymore since school activities do require an adviser.
At The Max, the gang is taking a love quiz from Hip Teen magazine and we’re back to tired cliches of Bobby trying to get it on with Megan and Megan rejecting him, despite the fact that we’ve had three episodes in a row where their romance seems to be kindling.
Screech comes in and recruits the gang to be the new staff on the newspaper because their experience reading Hip Teen magazine means they’re qualified to improve the paper. The gang are all, “Sure, otherwise we won’t have anything to do if Milton and Ron get all the glory!”
We’re back at Bayside where Lindsay, the new sports reporter, is interviewing Spike about the upcoming state football championship in San Francisco. You’ll notice that Spike’s been on the team so long he’s outgrown his jersey. That’s what happens when men in their thirties play on high school football teams.
Brian is assigned to be the advertising manager but he can’t convince any of the school clubs to buy advertising space. Um, that’s because you’re fucking trying to get a bunch of high school kids to buy advertising space! As I recall, my school paper featured advertisements from local businesses hoping to increase their share in the teen market. I think there’s a certain restaurant our regulars are constantly at that may buy space!
Next Lindsay interviews a member of the girl’s swim team about their year. Bayside is tied with Valley for first place but it just so happens that, as the interview is going on, another member rushes in to tell her that Valley lost to “Ruse-a-velt,” which means Bayside gets to go to the state swimming championships in San Diego.
Gee, where do I start. First of all, I’m sure they meant “Roosevelt” but the actress they brought in off the street didn’t know how to pronounce the name of a school that also happens to be the surname of two former United States Presidents. As a result, they pronounce it the way any eight year old who grew up in Asia and is now learning English would.
Second, I’m pretty sure that, if Bayside and Valley were tied, the championship would just be between the two of them. What changes just because Valley lost a game? Bayside and Valley are still the two best teams in the state. What’s sad is there’s not even a reason for this plot hole as they could have just said the fucking swimming team was going to the state finals.
In the journalism room, Brian is prostituting himself to Claire in order to get the chess team to buy advertising in the paper. Since he’s following in the steps of blonde Saved by the Bell assholes before him, he tells her how pretty her eyes are and she buys space because complimenting a woman is all it takes to get her to spend money.
Tommy D is the food critic and, naturally, he completely sucks at the job because he’s almost as much an idiot as Screech. But don’t worry. This plays no further role in the episode. Also, it seems Screech fired Milton and Ron for being Milton and Ron since they’re not in the journalism room and they’re not seen again in this episode.
Lindsay comes in and tells the gang that the swim team can’t go to the finals in San Diego because the athletic department is spending all their money to send the football team to their championship. I call bullshit since any competent school district will find money to send any team to a state championship because it makes for good publicity. This is the Saved by the Bell universe, though, where no one is competent and Screech suggests they use the lead story to ask why the boys get to go to their championship and the girls don’t. This means missing the PSAT review session which is apparently mandatory because Mr. Belding is feeling so alone and left out in this episode, so Screech writes them all passes to get out of it.
Megan tells Screech that he’s pretty hip and Lindsay tells him he’s the best faculty adviser ever, which gives Screech a big head and automatically makes him assume he’s getting some underage poon tonight.
The next day, the bell rings and all the extras magically have papers already because Max came back and used his shitty magic to allow them to finish the paper, print it, and distribute it all in one night.
They decide the fact that people are reading the school paper means it’s a big hit and Rachel tells him they couldn’t have done it without him since he drafted them into joining the paper and all. Screech hasn’t learned his lesson from the last scene and once again interprets this in his favor for underage encounters.
Mr. Belding comes down and tells them he’s disappointed they couldn’t make his review session because it gets really lonely with only the extras around. Screech assures him they’ll be at the next session.
Meet Mr. Doyle, Bayside’s athletic director. He wants to talk to Lindsay about her article because…she’s such a shitty journalist she didn’t bother getting the school’s side of the swim team story before writing her article? I don’t know. Let’s just pretend for the sake of my sanity that this all somehow makes sense.
Meanwhile, Megan meets some guy in a horrible disguise whose name is apparently “Noogie.” I’m going to assume he wears the baseball cap to prevent others from giving him noogies. Somehow he knows Mr. Doyle is spending all the money to send the football team in first class accommodations to the state championship. Noogie tells Megan to follow the plot thread, or, in the case of The New Class, pretend it will all come together in the end.
Back in the journalism room, the staff discuss Noogie’s revelations. Tommy D wonders what’s wrong with the football team getting special treatment since he’s on the football team.
BULL FUCKING SHIT!
The New Class did two episodes about the football team last season and Tommy D wasn’t involved in either of them as a team member. What’s more, it was a plot point that Tommy D hates sports. Are we expected to believe that Tommy D’s personality has done a complete 360 in less than a season? I guess Tommy D’s hatred of sports went the same direction as Rachel’s date with Scott.
Mr. Belding comes in mad because the gang missed another PSAT review session. He tells them the PSAT is an important test that could determine the college they attend. Uh, no it won’t. There’s a reason PSAT stands for “Preliminary Scholastic Aptitude Test.” It’s basically a practice test for the SAT. As I recall, the only possible thing you can get out of it is a scholarship if you do amazingly well. It only tells you what you need more practice in for the SAT. Colleges don’t look at the PSAT at all. So bull shit on this subplot.
Screech goes to Mr. Belding and asks him to postpone the PSAT for his six lackeys because he wants to be cool. Mr. Belding tells him to fuck off because lots of people do well academically while engaging in extra-curricular activities. Mr. Belding tells Screech that, since he hasn’t had a substantial role in the episode so far, he’s not getting involved now.
Screech returns to the journalism room and the gang tell him Tommy D found a $700 receipt for snacks on the bus to the football championship. Screech tells them that the newspaper is being shut down for now because he’s going to force them all to study for a minor standardized test that will probably have no bearing on their future.
And hiding in their lockers.
But the studying pays off when they take the PSAT the next day because…they felt prepared? Yeah, we never find out how they actually did so this subplot was only around to waste time and bore us to tears. Oh, and the PSAT is proctored by Screech and Mr. Belding because school principals and administrative assistants always administer standardized college tests.
The gang are suddenly glad that Screech made them study but they decide to pull together and put the paper out by engaging in a Screech plan, because those always work out so well.
The plan involves Tommy D telling Mr. Doyle that he can’t go to the state championship because his parents are out of town and his grandfather won’t sign the permission slip. Mr. Doyle is distressed since Tommy D is their star player. Yeah, he went from hating sports to star player in less than a season. Mr. Doyle wants to talk Tommy D’s grandfather into letting him go.
Unfortunately Tommy D’s grandfather is Screech in a bad disguise. Since all adults in the Saved by the Bell universe are morons, Mr. Doyle falls for the ruse and ends up confessing the whole thing when Screech expresses concern at the conditions the players will be staying in during the championship. The rest of the gang is hiding behind Mr. Belding’s desk with a tape recorder and camera when Mr. Doyle expresses some misogynistic sentiments.
And the editors can’t maintain continuity past the scene change since it appears Mr. Doyle was so helpful in getting word of his nefarious ways out that he posed for a second photo.
Mr. Belding is pleased with the work of the paper, says that the swim team is going to the finals, and says if he has anything to do with it, Mr. Doyle will be fired and sent to Screech’s bedroom for hot passionate fucking. All turns out well.And Claire wants to fuck Brian. So this train wreck of a show is over for another week as the gang go to write the next issue of the paper. Twenty dollars says they never mention the paper again, at least in this iteration of the cast.