Monthly Archives: September 2014

The New Class Season 2, Episode 12: “Christmas in July”

vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h48m40s117 We open with Mr. Belding off his meds again, apparently believing it’s Christmas during the month of July. He tells Tommy D that it’s time for the country club’s annual Christmas in July party, which I’m sure Tommy D should have heard about already if it’s an annual tradition, but Tommy D’s an idiot so let’s chalk it up to that.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h49m20s255

The most disturbing thing this series has presented thus far drives up: Screech in a motor vehicle. Yes, this is Screech’s beloved scooter that we’ve never heard about before despite the fact that it’s supposed to be his prized possession.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h49m53s75

Of course, the writers take advantage of mistletoe being present to give some fan service that no fan of this series ever asked for. Someone needs to check Alison for a brain tumor. It would explain her lack of taste.

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Mr. Belding gives Screech the job of organizing the Secret Santa drawing. Screech rigs the drawing so that Alison’s name is on top followed by Lindsay’s name. Why he is helping Tommy D but not Brian and Bobby is never explained. I assume that, without Zack Morris around, Tommy D is the most attractive and the new object of Screech’s suppressed homoerotic fantasies.

Screech pulls Alison but, Tommy D being an idiot, he shakes the bowl up before he picks and gets Mr. Belding, who immediately starts giving Tommy D his measurements as if Tommy D could afford to get him a three piece suit. Don’t Secret Santa drawings usually have monetary limits of $10 or $20?

Meanwhile, Bobby picks Mr. Harrington, whom the writers suddenly remembered exists, and is worried that, if he doesn’t get Mr. Harrington something he likes, he’ll be rough in their foreplay later. Brian gets Lindsay and refuses to change because he’s counting on another season and a chance to get to Lindsay’s girl boner. Lindsay gets Megan, and Rachel and Megan don’t matter because their recipients are never seen.

Mr. Harrington announces the Snow Queen Pageant for employees only, where the winner could win a whopping $1,000 towards her education. Boy, $1,000! That’ll pay for a whopping one tenth of a semester’s tuition, which easily impresses our easily impressed girls. Too bad Screech apparently dropped out of Cal U to work here or he could have entered another beauty pageant. 
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Brian hasn’t had a public display of affection with Rachel yet so he makes up some bullshit about how, when a bell rings, you have to kiss the one you’re with. Clearly, Brian is not a Jimmy Stewart fan.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h54m31s44

Screech is so proud of his present for Alison, bubble bath in a plastic candy cane, that he shows it off to Lindsay and Rachel in case they ever want a Dirty Sanchez. Meanwhile, Megan took her Jessie pill today and decides that it’s misogynist for girls to be judged in swimsuits. Lindsay and Rachel are all, “We’ll support you if you fuck the hell off.”

Megan finds Mr. Harrington and expresses her disapproval of the swimsuit competition, but Mr. Harrington tells her that tradition is tradition and he enjoys looking at high school girls wearing next to nothing so, if she doesn’t like it, she can just fuck the hell off with her dried up pussy.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-11h56m27s160

Meanwhile, Mr. Harrington bought Alison a Convertible for a Christmas in July present because Alison is the most spoiled person in the history of everything. Screech feels his penis cut off because he wants to give her a present she’ll really enjoy. Eww.

The writers forgot what they had Bobby doing at the country club so they now have him working at the pro shop. Bobby asks Alison what he should get her father, but when Bobby tries out several potential presents, Mr. Harrington is all, “You poor people need to learn to have more money so you can buy better presents for me.”
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Meanwhile, Rachel and Brian are practicing. Rachel sings, very badly, and it’s hardly surprising she can’t sing since I remember Sarah Lancaster’s role on Everwood. Bobby is given a light up Rudolph nose with antlers and he says that wearing a light up nose is so degrading. Of all the things you’ve done on this show, Brian, you think this is degrading? Boy, you have your priorities all out of whack.

Megan tells Lindsay and Rachel that Mr. Harrington won’t bow to her every demand so she’s come to them, sure that they will. Lindsay and Rachel are all, “Bitch, we need some drinking money for college! We’ll show our titties for that!” Megan responds with a judgmental speech about how everyone disappoints her so much because they don’t recognize her god mode status.

Screech tries to raise money to buy Alison a $1,000 gold watch, and does something quite disturbing to accomplish it.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h00m33s79

Yes, straight from your nightmares, it’s Santa Screech. Sit on his lap and he’ll give you his special present! The writers throw in a fat kid joke just for the hell of it before Mr. Belding comes in and refuses to allow Screech to inflict such terrifying horrors on the club guests.

Tommy D and Bobby switch gift recipients as Megan finds Mr. Harrington to tell him she’s not a cheap whore and won’t be in the beauty pageant, unlike her friends who are stupid slutty bitches. Mr. Harrington tells her, “That’s fine. No one gives a damn about you anyway.” Lindsay is all pissed and desides to give Megan a piece of prop coal as her present.

Screech comes in and tells Brian and Tommy D he sold his beloved, never before mentioned scooter to buy Alison the watch.
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The writers give some Megan fan service since she won’t be unclothed in any other scene this episode. Bobby tells Megan he would fuck her and Megan is all, “I want to be fucked for my mind and not my body.” Bobby asks her how anyone will know how she feels if she’s not at the pageant and Megan instantly decides she needs to follow the script of the Saved by the Bell episode they’re ripping off closer.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h03m54s33

It’s time for the pageant and Screech is our disturbing presenter, regaling us with song and dance about underage girls. The contestants are our three female regulars and three background characters who don’t matter because they’re not one of our eight regulars.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h19m00s144

Through the magic of transition, we skip the entire pageant and go directly to the closing event, the swim suit competition. Of course, Megan wears a business suit and asks to explain herself as Screech wonders why this all sounds so familiar. Megan is all, “Fem-a-mism…go go Gadget vagina…oh, hell, guys, I’m a suck ass replacement for Jessie so I’ll just say give me the prize because I dared to defy the man!”vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h20m50s208

And they do. The judges give Megan the prize because she dared to defy the man. Well, wasn’t that just an anticlimactic end to that…was that the plot or a subplot? I don’t know. There’s like a million subplots running around this episode and, though I can usually tell which is intended to be the main plot, all of them in this episode are equally unremarkable.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h21m15s214

It’s time to hand out gifts now and Megan gets Lindsay’s lump of coal and says she deserves it for being a stupid judgmental bitch. The girls make up because they need to be friends again next episode since they won’t be able to make a new replacement friend until the end of the season.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h21m36s162

Bobby gives Mr. Belding a scale since, by this season, he’s really beginning to put on the weight.vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h22m14s25

Tommy D gives Mr. Harrington a novelty umbrella hat, which he thinks is hella lame but Alison is all, “We need to end this episode. Be nice so we can end it!”vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h23m16s130

Screech gives Alison the watch and Alison, who’s also Screech’s Secret Santa by complete contrivance, gives Screech a horn for his scooter. Screech reveals he sold his scooter to buy the watch and Alison tells him, “I don’t have any taste. That’s why I’m dating you! So return your watch and give me the stupid bubble bath!”vlcsnap-2014-09-22-12h24m42s227

Brian gives Lindsay a musical snow globe and it’s a good thing because it plays the Christmas carol our cast sings us out on, a small portion of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas.” What they don’t tell us is that it’s a magical snow globe because it starts playing music even before Lindsay is done winding it. Oh, The New Class, it’s so cute how you can’t even get the smallest of details right.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 3: “The Aftermath”

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While the gang was at Malibu Sands last week, it seems everyone’s heard about Kelly’s ways. This extra wants to molest Zack Morris’s shoulder. Slater’s jealous that all he has is Jessie’s dried up vagina.
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This extra is hoping the shock of Kelly’s whoring will make Zack Morris try the gay. Jessie’s all, “I bet he has a bigger penis than Slater.”vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h02m55s24

Zack Morris pretends he’s not upset by Kelly breaking up with him, but his obsession shows through and would be enough to make him a suspect on CSI. I am curious how he got all those Tiger Beat photos of Kelly and why that’s not making him jealous.

Oh and it’s Lisa’s sixteenth birthday at the end of the episode. Yeah, I guess it’s important you know that. Kelly wants to bring Jeff to Lisa’s party and everyone’s all, “We don’t want him molesting us.” Lisa says she doesn’t care who Kelly brings as long as she has a happy sixteenth birthday.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h03m56s41

Zack Morris randomly stands outside class obsessively staring at Kelly. He says he can’t let her know he’s miserable so he does his usual subpar acting.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h04m35s210

Oh Miss Simpson is back to her deaf ways. vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h05m31s45

She’s also out of touch with the student gossip and has Zack Morris and Kelly read a romantic poem to each other. Miss Simpson should hang out more at The Max to keep up with these things.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h06m11s173

Slate and Screech take Zack Morris out for a guy’s night out at the movies hoping to get his mind off Kelly so they can have a chance of getting a little somethin’ somethin’.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h07m14s44

But who should come in but Slutty McSlutterton and her boyfriend, creepy college guy. Yeah, in case you forgot he’s older than Kelly, the costumers put him in an oversized UCLA shirt. Slater and Screech try to keep Zack Morris from noticing but soon Kelly screams at the movie and jumps in Jeff’s arms, causing Zack Morris to get up and walk out before Screech has a chance to do the same.

Back at Bayside and, in no way dating this series, Lisa tells Jessie she wants to fuck M.C. Hammer for her birthday. Guess Milli Vanilli and Kid ‘n Play were too busy. Meanwhile Zack Morris tells Lisa he can’t come to her party if Kelly is there, which seems quite reasonable considering how recently they broke up.

Kelly comes up and Jessie and Lisa are all, “How dare you see a movie in the same city as Zack Morris.” vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h11m45s191

Zack Morris decides it’s time to study in order to get his mind off Kelly and get a good score on the SATs later in the season. Kelly’s name is everywhere, though, and God is punishing Zack Morris for being Zack Morris by reminding him of her sluttiness.

The rest of the gang come in and decide that the solution to Zack Morris’s depression is to date other women, which is horrible advice. Jessie also thinks he should just snap out of it. Once again, horrible advice that will push a suicidal person off a ledge. God he has awful friends.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h13m21s136

Zack Morris agrees to go on the dates, and first up is Sue, who can’t stop talking in the middle of the movie but, for some reason, is not being ejected from the theater.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h13m46s128

Then there’s Cassie and she’s fat and eats a lot and is unlovable and it’s funny. Really, what goes through these girls’ minds when they’re told they’re going to play someone who Zack Morris refuses to date because they’re too fat?vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h14m25s255

The final contestant is Screech’s cousin, Kimberly, whom Zack Morris thinks is just right. Zack Morris also appears to be seeing the same movie over and over again. The local movie theater must only play the great film classic, Generic Film with the Sound of Gunfire. Also, Zack Morris asks Kimberly to go back to The Max with him so Jeff can steal another girl from him.

And now, ladies and gentleman, it’s time for your favorite game and mine, “Where’s Scott Wolf?” Where is that rascally scamp hiding today?vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h14m42s121

Aww, isn’t that cute! Scott Wolf is on a date with another extra. It’s good he was getting such vital roles in his pre-fame days.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h15m24s85

At The Max, Screech gets his nose stuck in a spoon for no reason. Meanwhile, Jeff encourages Kelly to make up with the gang.

Just then, Zack Morris and Kimberly walk in and, disturbingly enough, we find out that Powers family reunions involve them pinning a tail on one of their uncles. Also, Kimberly is adopted.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h17m06s79

Zack Morris flirts as much as he can in front of Kelly, ordering a milkshake for two and dancing to Muzak Track A12, which was his and Kelly’s song.
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Kelly comes back and is like, “How dare you try to make me feel bad for treating you like shit! Muzak Track A12 is a sacred bond between us that was never meant to be broken! I’m going to slap you, instantly getting the gang back on my side since it’s so horrible you’re dating the girl they set you up with!”
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Also, Kimberly overhears Zack Morris and Kelly’s conversation and decides that Zack Morris’s shirt needs a splash of chocolate.

At Bayside, Lisa and Jessie make up with Kelly and are all, “Your being a whore bag is so much better than Zack Morris dating the girl we set him up with.” They also tell Zack Morris that he’s a horrible person for feeling angry that Kelly cheated on him because that’s so something not to be angry about.
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Zack Morris has a mental break down and starts throwing Kelly’s wardrobe out of his locker. So…was the locker where they fucked? Mr. Belding finally has something to do this episode by punishing Zack Morris for being himself.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h21m06s174

Screech shows up to be Zack Morris’s date to Lisa’s party but Zack Morris is all, “Everyone hates me for being angry at Kelly so I can’t go because this plot makes so much sense!” vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h22m21s161

At Lisa’s party, she must have gotten struck by lightning because she’s gained the ability to psychically tell what is in all the packages simply by shaking them. Kelly and Jeff show up and Jeff instantly wins Slater over because he’s also a wrestler. Wrestling apparently cures all in the Saved by the Bell universe. Maybe Zack Morris just needs to wrestle with everyone. Jessie is all, “Jeff, I hated you because Kelly is a slut but now I realize that if you were good enough for Kelly to cheat on our friend with, you’re good enough for us.”

Kelly’s upset when she finds out Zack Morris isn’t coming and tells Slater and Lisa that she never meant to hurt him. Slater’s all, “We know. You were just being a selfish bitch who had no thought of how her actions would effect others.”vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h24m53s140

Time for birthday cake, and birthday cake magically makes Zack Morris appear out of thin air.vlcsnap-2014-09-17-19h25m34s40

 

Zack Morris tells Kelly, “The writers didn’t want to make this a three part episode so they decided I should forget all about my emotions and just pretend like nothing ever happened.” Also, Jeff is eyeing Kelly to make sure she doesn’t have any plans to cheat on her current boyfriend with her ex-boyfriend, since she does have a history of that sort of thing. Zack Morris tells Kelly they can be friends, which I assume is passive aggressive talk for “Die, you stupid bitch.” He also tells Jeff to treat Kelly well, which I guess is code for, “Kelly likes to be pile drived doggy style while you play with her nipples.”

And everyone lives happily ever after when Zack Morris decides to whore it up with a random girl at the party because everyone on this show is apparently a sociopath.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 11: “Tommy the Tenor”

vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h51m58s241Oh come on now, The New Class! Now you’re not even trying! Now you’re ripping off an episode you already ripped off last season! *sigh* I don’t know why I expect better from this show.

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We open with Bobby, Claire, and Frieda singing the praises of the Glee Club, quite literally. Yeah, they’re harassing all their fellow students into joining via horrible song. And, uh oh! Noboby wants to join! Tommy D comes down the stairs with his new dumb ass friends who have never been seen or mentioned before and will never be seen or mentioned again, Jag and Vinnie, who are dressed as the typical ’50s era hoodlums who hang out at Bayside. The three declare that the Glee Club is the “Geek Club,” but Tommy D tells Bobby, “No offense,” which makes everything better.

Bobby catches the rest of the gang and harasses them to join. They all have lame excuses, including Lindsay, who can’t join because he has to meet Screech after school. Bobby reminds her that Screech is visiting his grandmother in Alaska and…

Wait…

OH THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES! SCREECH DOES NOT APPEAR IN THIS EPISODE! Oh the occasional small gifts I get from watching this episode. Now if the rest of the cast would not appear in this episode and turn on a rerun of Alf instead.

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Mr. Belding introduces the gang to the new…glee club teacher? Seriously, they have a Glee Club teacher? In the original series it was just Mr. Tuttle. This time…wow…no wonder, according to Mr. Belding, the school board wants to cut funding to the glee club. Yeah, the new teacher is Mr. Hartley, and this subplot is a rip-off of “The Substitute…”vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h55m24s202

…right down to Mr. Hartley’s sparkling teeth. The girls instantly decide glee club is their best opportunity to get into Mr. Hartley’s pants, and Brian is distressed because this means he won’t have time to study Spanish with Rachel, which I assume is code for fingerbang her.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h56m03s122

In the locker room, Brian wants to give you a hug as he pretends to sing worse than William Hung with laryngitis. Bobby suggests that, if Brian wants to spend time with Rachel, he should try out for the glee club but, since he hella sucks, he has no chance. Meanwhile, in the showers, someone is singing Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore,” because all the kids in the ’90s listened to the rocking tunes of Dean Martin.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h57m02s212

Turns out the voice belongs to Tommy D because, despite the fact that we’ve had episodes about music before and Tommy D was never musical, the writers decided Tommy D should miraculously get two new traits this season, so Tommy D becomes very good at lip syncing to other people’s singing. Bobby wants Tommy D to join the glee club and Tommy D says he’s not going to embarrass himself by joining that club. No, Tommy D, you’re embarassing yourself by singing Dean Martin. Brian develops a plan on the spot for Tommy D to sing Brian’s audition to the glee club for him so he can continue fingerbanging Rachel.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h58m01s19

In the auditions, Bobby is horrible but still accepted to the glee club, which makes me wonder what the standards for admission are and why Brian is so worried.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-19h58m52s25

The girls’ audition involves dancing seductively for Mr. Hartley.
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They then begin to sexually harass him and he wants to take it so he lets all three of them in the glee club in the hopes he can study Spanish with them.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h00m21s141

Brian has Tommy D outside a window singing (did the classrooms ever have windows before) and, since no one at Bayside has any sense of hearing, they all believe Brian is this super awesome talented singer, and Brian gets in the glee club. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h01m13s161

But, uh oh! Mr. Belding has super selective hearing and, hearing Brian, thinks he’s super talented and orders Mr. Hartley to make him the featured soloist.

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At The Max, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum make some comments about Brian being a canary for joinig the glee club that I really don’t understand, but it’s enough to convince Tommy D he needs to keep his reputation up with these two people he’s never met before.

Meanwhile, it’s time for the girls to have super creepy fantasies about Mr. Hartley. vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h02m49s97Lindsay’s biggest fantasy is to dress as a flapper and dance with Mr. Hartley in a Bayside classroom.
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Megan wants to pose seductively on the piano while Mr. Hartley plays for her, and we go back to reality before she gets a really creepy kiss.
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Rachel just flat out wants to marry Mr. Hartley. That’s not positive thinking.

The three start fighting over who Mr. Harley wants to study Spanish with more but they feign a truce since they’re friends who are fighting over a man who would go to jail if he touched them.

Mr. Belding tells Brian and Bobby that he invited Mr. McKenzie from the school board to today’s glee club rehearsal. Apparently Mr. McKenzie has complete control over the budget and the power to give and take away funding, which is totally how that works. Mr. Belding says that he wants Mr. McKenzie to see how awesome their single soloist. After Mr. Belding leaves, Brian feigns crying as Tommy D walks up to convince Tommy D that, if he doesn’t sing for the glee club, Brian will be sent back to Switzerland, which is a horrible lie but whatever.
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Meanwhile, the writers can’t decide if they want this actor to be Stanley or Noogie, so he’s Noogie again this week. I think Stanley must be Noogie’s alter ego that he turns into when he receives too many noogies. He sells the girls stuff to sabotage each other’s performance so that Mr. Hartley will be more likely to study Spanish with them and not the others. Noogie sells Megan hot and spicy lipstick, Lindsay a plastic spider, and Rachel “hiccup juice,” whatever the hell that is.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h07m56s87

Mr. Belding comes up with Mr. McKenzie and, finding Tommy D outisde the room, insists Tommy D join them and listen to this kick ass performance. Meanwhile Rachel gives Lindsa the hiccup juice but then accidentally gives it to the rest of the back ground characters. Megan gives Rachel the lipstick to put on, and, during the performance, Megan screams at the sight of the fake spider. Yeah, despite these problems, and the fact that Bobby isn’t moving his lips at all, the performance doesn’t sound half bad.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h10m34s130

Mr. Belding asks Brian to sing and redeem the performance, and Brian puts on a performance that rivals Roseann Barr singing the National Anthem. Mr. McKenzie, deciding this group hella sucks, unilaterally declares that funding for the glee club will be cut, because he can totally do that without consulting any of the other school board members.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding and Mr. Hartley get down to the bottom of this shit before they hand out spankings. They pretty much go over everything that’s happened in the episode so far. Brian convinces Mr. Belding to get Mr. McKenzie to come to the assembly on Friday so he can hear the glee club give its “best” performance.

Tommy D still won’t budge, though, because his two hooligan friends may object. Bobby is all, “Tommy D, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your voice because it may cause girls to want to study Spanish with you,” and we cut away as Tommy D thinks about what the obvious conclusion of this episode will be.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h13m20s251

It’s almost showtime for the glee club and the gang is dressed in their best boy scout uniforms. Of course, the glee club sounds nothing like they did before because they’re good at lip syncing to a professional recording. I swear, some of the cast, especially Rachel, look completely uncomfortable to be there. It’s still not good enough for Mr. McKenzie because he likes to abuse his power.vlcsnap-2014-09-14-20h15m15s120

But Tommy D comes out and helps them out with the lip syncing. Tommy D’s fake melodies melt Mr. McKenzie’s icy heart and he reinstates full funding for the glee club because, once again, he can totally do that. Yeah, just like the newspaper, five dollars says we never hear about this again with this iteration of the cast.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 2: “Zack’s Birthday”

Oh, “Zack’s Birthday!” I bet the conclusion of last week’s episode is that Kelly throws Zack Morris a surprise birthday party to apologize for being a stupid spoiled cheating brat. Yeah, and I bet they immediately get back together!

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Wait, what’s this? An oceanfront exterior? This doesn’t look like Saved by the Bell! Did they include the wrong disk in my set? It wouldn’t surprise me with Lionsgate!

No, Zack Morris informs us via voice over that it’s now summer…for some reason.
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He tells us that, starting today, this is where he works. So he works at the Super 8?vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h06m05s145

Oh, it’s the Malibu Sands beach resort! Lisa’s parents are members and conveniently got all the gang jobs so they could do an arc of episodes away from Bayside and The Max.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h08m01s3

Zack Morris’s voice is ready to orgasm from the thought of girls on the beach, but it’s strange these are the three they focus on while he’s saying it. Judging by the frown lines, I’d say the one in the middle is old enough to be his mother. But, yeah, he’s also there for fun in the sun and, of course, money.
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Meet their boss, Mr. Leon Carosi, played by Ernie Sabella, because I guess Sabella got tired of playing Larry and Balki’s boss on Perfect Strangers but he hadn’t yet landed the sweet gig of voicing Pumbaa in The Lion King. Mr. Carosi is there to be the antagonist and, one by one, insults each member of the gang sans Lisa while ignoring the background characters because they don’t really matter.

Zack Morris is the social director, Screech is a waiter, Jessie is a receptionist, and Slater and Kelly are lifeguards. There’s some casual misogyny as Mr. Carosi implies Kelly can’t be a lifeguard because she’s a girl. He obviously has never watched Baywatch. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Equal rights amendment! Yes we can!” and Mr. Carosi drops his objection to Kelly in order to shut Jessie up.

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Zack Morris almost immediately takes advantage of his position to grope two women on the beach under the pretense of putting sunblock on them. Meanwhile, Screech is taking drink orders on the beach…for some reason.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h11m41s153

Norman here approaches Kelly and sexually harasses her. Mr. Carosi comes around and reprimands Kelly for flirting with men while on duty because…he’s an ass and won’t listen to anyone? He takes Norman off arm in arm hoping Norman will sexually harass him next.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h12m20s50

Now Screech is working in the dining room? How can he cover all these places at once? Is he the Flash? Lisa comes in and joins Zack Morris on his lunch break.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h13m36s30

Mr. Carosi gets mad at Zack Morris for eating in the dining room. Lisa is all, “Look here, biatch, you better watch yo stuff and quit acting like an ass before I give a one two punch to you.” Mr. Carosi backs off but tells Zack Morris to never eat in the dining room again.

Meanwhile, Jessie sucks at answering the phone because she won’t use Mr. Carosi’s five minute script. Yeah…

Slater, Kelly, and Lisa conveniently come in and discuss Zack Morris’s birthday party on Saturday at Lisa’s beach house that the writers decided she had. Zack Morris comes in and they all spread to opposite directions.

Zack Morris has doubts about working at the beach club until a fresh girl he can sexually harass walks in. She’s looking for Mr. Carosi and Zack Morris is all, “Why do you want to see that ass?”vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h15m41s8

She’s all, “That jerk is my father!” Yes, meet Stacey Carosi, played by Leah Remini, who’s a student in New York. She’s in charge of the temporary help, i.e. imitating her father’s assholery as much as possible. She likes to generalize a lot by implying all west coast boys are dudes and narley and surfers. Zack Morris is smitten with her, and later tells the gang he’ll have her eating out of his hand because every girl wants to fuck Zack Morris.

Meanwhile, Jessie’s a slob. Yeah, there’s absolutely no point to learning that, but they insert it anyway and reveal that Kelly and Jessie are staying with Lisa at her beach house.

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After being told off by Stacey, Zack Morris is off to organize an orgy under the pretense of playing volleyball with some girls. Stacey comes around and is all, “Stop goofing off before I kick your ass.”

Meanwhile, Jessie tries to order Zack Morris’s birthday cake and hilarity ensues as she tries to keep both Mr. Carosi and Zack Morris from finding out what she’s doing. vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h21m00s120

Mr. Carosi also has a thing for grannies apparently.

Zack Morris hates his job and wants to be a cool kid like Screech. He has a Zack Morris plan to accomplish this. Lisa comes in and tells Jessie her beach house isn’t available Saturday because her parents are throwing their own wild party with hookers and blow. Uh oh!vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h22m20s141

Meanwhile, Slater is watching you!vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h22m56s8

Mr. Carosi gets hungry and follows a giant hot dog around the beach without knowing whether it’s real or a hallucination brought on by too much LSD. He finds the giant hot dog leads him to Zack Morris, who’s selling hot dogs on the public beach during his lunch hour. Zack Morris tells Mr. Carosi he’ll stop selling hot dogs if he makes him a waiter and Mr. Carosi is all, “Might as well. Zack Morris always gets what he wants anyway.

In the dining room, Zack Morris is the perfect waiter and earns lots of tips. Stacey, who’s in the dining room to eat lunch, doesn’t approve because he didn’t ask her if she wanted something to drink. She’s all, “Screech, now that’s a real man!” Zack Morris throws his order pad down and tells Stacey that, if she likes Screech so much, she should just appear in his porno.
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In the employee Lounge, which has a very strange blanket on the wall, Jessie, Slater, and Lisa decide to have Zack Morris’s surprise party at the club after hours. Zack Morris comes in bitching and moaning because his boss wants him to do his job and Stacey comes in, asking to have a word alone with Zack Morris.

Stacey tells Zack Morris he better get back to work if he wants to keep his job. Zack Morris is all, “You don’t want my penis in you and you’re acting like a more beautiful version of your father. You should lighten up and learn to let teenage boys use their love tools on you!”vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h27m46s93

As Zack Morris walks off, Stacey gives a look like, “Oh my god, I just got told off by the biggest jerk alive.” And, I swear, someone in the audience goes, “Busted!” as the rest of the audience does a “Oh no he didn’t!” sound.

Meanwhile, Norman is acting like an idiot in the ocean and gets caught in an undertow.vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h29m04s102

Kelly saves his life and Mr. Carosi is all, “Don’t let him swim so far out!” What was she supposed to do: chain him to her lifeguard tower so he could sexually harass her some more?vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h29m39s188

It’s time for the party and all the new Malibu Sands background characters are there! They all start dancing to the best in muzak. vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h31m00s154

Jessie brings out Zack Morris’s cake, which reads, “Happy Wrong Number by the Sea.” Oh the hilarity of Jessie’s misadventure trying to keep the cake a secret!vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h31m26s242

As Zack Morris blows out his candles, Mr. Carosi comes in ready to fire the entire staff for breaking and entering. Wouldn’t it be hard to run the resort without anyone working for him? vlcsnap-2014-09-12-16h31m45s178

Stacey comes in and says she gave them permission to use the beach club and Mr. Carosi is all, “Oh, I’ll just go home now and not question any of this.” Stacey tells Zack Morris maybe she wants his cock after all and goes off as they make nice. There’s foreshadowing and there’s hitting you over the head with where this story is going.

Firsts: Mr. Leon Carosi, Stacey Carosi, Malibu Sands, the gang has summer jobs, Lisa’s beach house.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 10: “A Matter of Trust”

Here’s my recap of The New Class for the week: lots of stupid stuff happens. There! Done! Shortest recap ever, thank god!

What? You actually want me to tell you specifics? *groan* I guess it’s my own fault, taking on this horrible series…vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h03m47s21

We open with Brian and Rachel reminding us they’re now dating through public displays of affection.
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Meanwhile Screech is shooting his stuff on Alison’s back.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h04m18s78

And his stuff is in the shape of a heart. Because Alison is an idiot, she thinks it’s romantic. As usual, The New Class manages to be so thrilling with its public displays of affection. Every episode is the same: either we’re going at breakneck speed to get all the subplots in or nothing is happening.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h04m49s116

Uh oh! Screech shoots his stuff all over Mr. Belding, and Mr. Belding is pissed because it’s a new shirt! Oh, the hijinks! Wait, does this mean Mr. Belding doesn’t know he can put his shirt in a magical device called a washing machine and it will be clean again?
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Brian brings Alison a drink and she’s grateful he’s such a nice guy. The hilarity just keeps coming, even when Screech reveals his pet name for Alison is “Ali-wowie.” *groan*

Mr. Belding hands out fliers for the “Palisades Hills Charity Auction and Picnic” where the male employees of the country club are prostituted in the name of an unknown charity. Alison wants to bid on Screech but Mr. Belding says Screech is too hideous for this auction and has to stay behind the scenes instead.

Bobby has a plan to get a girl to touch his tender nipple buds. Lindsay, Megan, and Rachel are going to bid on Bobby so Denise, the girl who will molest him, will bid on him. Yeah, there’s no possible way this one can go wrong…

Mr. Belding introduces the auction as “bidding on your partner for a day of picnic fun.” I was assuming that meant an orgy on the golf course until Mr. Belding says that the couples will compete in a bunch of stupid picnic games. Wait…girls are supposed to pay for a partner for some stupid game? Even with the incentive that the winning team gets  hot air balloon ride, something doesn’t sound right about this. Usually charity auctions are for dates. Worst prostitution ever…vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h08m44s68

Let’s meet our eligible men: Bobby, Tommy D, Brian, and, since Milton is not in the country club episodes, Hubert Dweebly. Guess it took them about five seconds to think up this character.

Bobby’s up first and his plan almost immediately backfires when Megan bids higher than Denise can go. Megan’s hella pissed she’s stuck with Bobby since she really wanted Hubert’s nipple buds.

Lindsay bids on Tommy D and threatens to cut a bitch if anyone else bids on her boyfriend.

There’s initially a bidding war on Brian between Rachel and a random extra, but Alison outbids them both. It’s then that Screech realizes his property is going to be with a much more attractive, manipulative guy.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h12m16s246

Since Rachel lost Brian, she decides to bid on Hubert…for some reason…and Hubert decides this means he’s going to get his dork in her.

Tommy D doesn’t want to go up in the balloon so he conspires with Bobby to throw the games. They believe this means that Bobby will impress Megan so much she won’t regret spending her hard earned money on him.

Wait, there are plenty of other men in the background. Why are these the only four guys up for auction? This is going to be a pretty lousy charity auction. I guess those orphans have to go hungry another year.

In the kitchen, Megan baked four cherry pies for the pie eating contest and then conveniently leaves them out. Tommy D fills three of them with clam juice so they’ll taste horrible. He puts an extra cherry on the fourth one so Bobby will know which one is the good one. Yep, no way this can go wrong.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h17m50s4

Now we get a bunch of practicing for the games, including…a blindfolded golf cart race? I don’t know much about driving a golf cart but something tells me this is extremely dangerous and a potential liability for the club, not to mention really lame. Hubert, of course, seizes the opportunity to molest Rachel, and she tells him this is sexual harassment and she doesn’t have to take it by pushing him out of the cart.

Tommy sabotages a cart so it will go faster and puts an X on it in grease so Bobby will know which is which.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h19m17s88

Meanwhile, Screech spies on his property practicing the three legged race with Brian and decides it’s time to reclaim the only girl who will ever love him and keep her from committing statutory rape. Screech sends Brian to wash the golf carts so he won’t have time to spend with Alison. He naturally wipes the X off the sabotaged cart.

Brian thinks this means he can practice with Alison now but Screech has another chore.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h20m44s172

Yes, Brian has to feed the frogs and then sing lullabies to them, because everyone knows frogs love lullabies. Brian forgets to latch the door, though, allowing the frogs to escape magically.

Tommy D gives Bobby a hard boiled egg for the egg toss. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding discovers a frog in his oatmeal. So the frog got into the kitchen and Mr. Belding’s oatmeal without anyone seeing it? Did everyone on this show take stupid pills this season? Brian comes running in and says the frogs escaped. Mr. Belding tells Brian he has to recapture the frogs before he can compete in the contest. Screech momentarily feels bad until Mr. Belding tells him that, since it’s not Alison’s fault Brian is a dumb ass, she should be able to have a substitute dumb ass and, thus, Screech can compete with her. At last, he has his property back!

Now it’s time for the games! At the egg toss, Tommy D purposely breaks his egg and is the first out. Wait, there’s a lot more guys at this egg toss than were in the auction. Where the hell did they all come from! Screech said Hubert was the last one! God, can they not keep continuity within the same episode on this series?!?!vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h26m23s197

Hubert makes the worse kissy face I’ve ever seen at Rachel. Seriously, that’s going to haunt my nightmares.vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h26m33s106

Rachel’s so pissed she tosses her egg at Hubert but hits Mr. Belding. I guess that’s supposed to be physical comedy? I don’t know. Just roll with it.

It’s down to Megan, Bobby, Alison, and Screech. Screech soon drops the egg, leaving Bobby and Megan the cheating winners.

Tommy D and Bobby discover the X was washed off. Instead, Screech and Alison inadvertently get the fast golf cart as a bunch of blind drivers all within feet of one another attempt to win the race. Seriously, did the insurance company approve this? It would seem like they’d be concerned about, I don’t know, paying out money for accidents?

Screech sees Brian still looking for the frogs and feels bad, so he insists Brian replaces him. Alison thinks Screech is just a loving and caring guy. Boy, she hasn’t learned anything about him this summer, has she?

The pie eating contest is next but, uh oh! Mr. Belding tries to eat the extra cherry! Megan catches him, so he replaces the cherry, but on the wrong pie. vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h29m10s136

Our men take their places and it turns out Tommy D got the non-tainted pie. He doesn’t want to eat it so Lindsay pushes him out of the way and shows him how it’s done. vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h30m00s109

With a three way tie, the deciding event will be the frog jumping contest since the frogs conveniently decided to come back in time. Wait, what happened to that one-legged race they were practicing for earlier? Oh, whatever, there’s only a couple minutes left. The framing for this naturally prevents us from seeing the frogs in every shot since that would require extra effort.

Long story short, Lindsay and Tommy D’s frog sprints to the finish line first. Hubert kisses his frog thinking it’s Rachel. Screech tells Alison the truth that he sabotaged Brian because he was afraid Alison would realize a douchey high school student is a better lover than him. Alison is all, “That was stupid, but I still love you because the plot demands it!”vlcsnap-2014-09-08-15h32m06s110And we close with stock footage of a hot air baloon along with a voice over of Tommy D saying he’s enjoying the ride and a voice over of Lindsay about to be sick. Guess recording their lines in a sound studio is tough work. Lindsay should consider some Pepto Bismol.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 1: “The Last Dance”

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We open with Zack Morris walking down the hallway pretending like he’s friends with someone other than the five other regulars. That’s so cute how they pretend the background characters matter.

His opening monologue tells us that the annual costume ball that was not mentioned at all the past two years and will never be mentioned again is being held this Friday. It’s also a costume ball where they crown a king and queen, so Zack Morris naturally has decided that, since he’s the only character on the show that truly matters, he and Kelly will win for sure.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h47m10s194

Kelly is all, “This is one of the episodes where my being poor is going to be remembered because I can’t afford a costume and need to get a job.” Lisa suggests she get a job at The Max, and Kelly’s all bummed because that means she won’t be able to be a part of the band the writers suddenly decided the gang has. I guess their time in the glee club really paid off!

In the absence of Max, The Max’s new manager is Jeff Hunter. Let’s meet Jeff Hunter.

Jeffrey HunterYou might remember Mr. Hunter as the original captain on Star Trek before William Shatner was hired. It seems after Mr. Hunter turned down Star Trek for a string of bad movies, he ended up not being able to get any other job but working for a shitty restaurant where no one ever eats the food.

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Oh, wait, what’s that you say? Jeff Hunter is this guy in the red shirt? Oh, must be a different Jeff Hunter. This Jeff Hunter is just some college-aged douche who wants to fuck Kelly.

Jeff doesn’t want to hire Kelly at first because she has no experience waiting since waiting is a job where you need lots of experience. Since Jeff can’t get a college girl at UCLA, he decides to hire Kelly on probationary status in the hopes he can get in her pants.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our new favorite game at Saved by the Bell Reviewed…spot Scott Wolf! So where is Scott Wolf today?vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h13m26s73

Oh, look, he’s a waiter at The Max! And Kelly knocks his tray out of his hands! Oh, Scott Wolf! You are a clown! See you next time!vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h52m06s75

In Mr. Belding’s office, we’re having lots of stupid planning and smack talking about the costume ball. I’m more distracted, though, because I just noticed the picture on the wall behind Mr. Belding of what appears to be elementary aged kids in Speedos. I would like the explanation of why he has this on his wall…

The only important thing in this scene is that Zack Morris convinces Mr. Belding to let their band play at the dance instead of hiring a DJ.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h52m49s15

Back at The Max, these two horrible cliches of 1950s era juvenile delinquents are being assholes to Kelly. Seriously, did the writers have no idea what kids in the early 90s were like? Jeff tells them to go fuck themselves because he’s trying to get into Kelly’s pants. Besides, no one eats the food here anyway.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h53m59s167

Zack Morris and Screech come in and Screech naturally acts like an ass thinking he’s going to make Kelly look good. Jeff also tells Kelly she’s hot.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h55m14s183

At Kelly’s house, Zack Morris comes in with a bad hat on that’s supposed to be Romeo’s hat. Yeah, he wants them to dress up as Romeo and Juliet. Does that mean they’re going to kill themselves at the end when Mr. Belding and Jeff forbid them from seeing each other? Yeah, Kelly doesn’t want to ask for time off since she just got the job and Zack Morris is bummed out that he might not get any poon. What does he care? Isn’t he going to be playing in a band anyway? How can he play in the band and get it on with Kelly?vlcsnap-2014-09-05-16h56m14s242

Speaking of the band, I told you everything is all about Zack Morris! The band, Zack Attack, is even named after him despite the fact Jessie does most of the singing! Am I the only one who pictures “Zack Attack” as a bad Pac-Man rip-off?

But, uh oh! Zack Morris is all depressed and down because Kelly’s not following his every whim so he suddenly can’t play guitar or sing. Slater convinces Zack Morris to ask for Kelly’s night off for her, which is a terrible idea given what happened in yesterday’s Roar Comic, but Zack Morris thinks it’s a great idea because he’s a moron.

So he goes to The Max to meet Jeff. Zack Morris tells Jeff a load of bullshit about Kelly that Jeff already knows is fake. Jeff gives Kelly the night off anyway because…Zack Morris gets everything he wants? I don’t know, just go with it. We also find out Kelly has six brothers and sisters. We’ve met three of them already. I wonder if we’ll meet the other half.

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At Kelly’s house, Kelly can’t stop talking about Jeff. Kelly’s all, “I still love Zack Morris but Jeff is a hot older predator who might potentially engage in statutory rape with me.” Jessie and Kelly are all, “Girl, you in denial!”

Back at The Max, Kelly and Jeff are closing up for the night. Jeff tells Kelly to go to the costume ball and she’s all, “Blah blah blah plot point!” vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h00m22s200

Then they kiss and the audience loses their shit. Kelly runs out confused because now she has two guys who are going to define her every move in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h03m31s26

The next day, Kelly is being distant. Zack Morris, being completely clueless, doesn’t notice she’s doing her damndest to show conflicting emotions. Jessie and Lisa look knowingly at one another like, “Kelly’s going to be a statutory rape statistic real soon!”

Back at Zack Attack headquarters, Zack Morris is all, “Hey, Kelly was distant!” Then, because the plot demands it, Zack Morris suddenly assumes that she’s got a thing going with Jeff. Talk about contrived.
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And it’s time for Zack Attack’s premiere concert, where Cleopatra, a giant chicken, and a guy in a bad hat are playing rocking tunes for all the kids.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h07m21s13

The band gets to take a break because there’s lots of things to do at a dance without the band playing. Kelly is still distant and talking about food while Zack Morris talks about music. Yeah, go with it.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h07m54s98

Mr. Belding the gay pirate comes on stage to announce the king and queen.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h08m44s94

Of course it’s Zack Morris and Kelly. Kelly accidentally call Zack Morris Jeff and he’s all, “Biatch, we gots to talk about yo cheatin’ ass right now because that could not possibly have just been a slip of the tounge!” They go outside to talk.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h09m12s122

Meanwhile, Slater takes Zack Morris’s spot on Zack Attack for the last dance. It’s a good thing they happened to have a spare drummer waiting in the wings for one of the gang to disappear. The producers spared no expense in this episode and actually splurged for the rights to a Michael Bolton song. Yes, Slater and Jessie singing a duet to “How am I Supposed to Live Without You.” They’re rocking alright. Almost as much as Justin Bieber is a rock star. This is apparently supposed to be a romantic last song despite the fact it’s all about a girl leaving for another guy. In twenty years, there are some kids who will remember this is the song they had their first kiss to.vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h10m18s14

Oh, look! They kept the picnic table scene from “The Prom!” How middle school ironic that they’re going to break up in the same place they started dating! Kelly tells Zack Morris the truth about Jeff and is all, “I like you but I don’t like you and I like Jeff but I don’t like Jeff and I’m going to break up with you because you need the opportunity to date Leah Remini when we go to Malibu Sands!” Zack Morris seems surprisingly okay with it. Maybe he’s so sociopathic he never loved Kelly to begin with since she’s just his prized trophy. After all, he still has that cardboard cutout of Kelly he can molest. He’s even okay with them just being friends! And another episode wrapped up in less than twenty minutes with a tight little bow…vlcsnap-2014-09-05-17h11m29s209Uh oh! It’s a two-parter! I guess the writers decided that this classic romance needed two episodes to break apart. I’m sure we’ll get the conclusion next week and not an episode completely irrelevant to this one, right?

Firsts: Jeff Hunter, Zack Morris and Kelly break up, Kelly works at The Max, the plot isn’t resolved in a half hour (To Be Continued).

Saved by the Bell #1.4 (Roar Comics)

I know some of you were probably hoping for the Lifetime biopic, but that thing is turning out to be a bear to review. I’m going to do it but it won’t be this week. Instead, may I present another of Roar’s Saved by the Bell comics!

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Our cover this month features Screech dressed as Tinkerbell. He’s flanked on all sides by his love interests, Zack Morris, Kelly, Slater, and…Elmira from Tiny Toons? I don’t know. The skull necklace is my clue. Otherwise, I have no idea who this is.2014-09-10 15.45.38

Our story this month is called “Screech-A-Date” and if that wasn’t enough to scare you off, Slater is very erotically staring at you, breaking the fourth wall. Yeah, Screech’s computer science project is creating a dating site just for Bayside, which seems like a really niche market except, remember, there was once a 900 number just for Bayside students. Bayside students must be the most privileged school in the world.

Screech’s site gives a one hundred question survey which is supposed to give you the perfect match, except all the questions involve knowledge of Dustin Diamond’s porno. Screech is skeptical since he knows Screech’s record with women while Zack Morris has already scoped out his newest sexual harassment victim, random nameless girl.

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Random nameless girl turns into the Incredible Hulk and tells him she enjoys taking boys to meet her father on the first date and going to poetry slams. She also hates kissing on the first date, so Zack Morris concludes he probably won’t get laid with her. This is enough for Slater and Zack Morris to both give Screech’s site a try. Boy, they’re easily impressed!

In the cafeteria (Bayside has a Cafeteria!?!? Since when?!?!), Mr. Belding comes in to a quiet room full of people on their computers. Zack Morris and Screech tell him they’re all filling out profiles for the dating site. Mr. Belding says he wishes they would do something enriching for the community and Screech is all, “Fuck that shit!”

Slater has a date with triplets. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Girl power! I am not defined by a man!” Lisa is distressed to learn her questionaire has been rigged so all the questions are about Screech.

Zack Morris has an idea to force Kelly to date him. He has Screech bring up Kelly’s profile and read it to him. Turns out Kelly doesn’t like guys who lie, have huge egos, or blow off school. Since when? She did marry Zack Morris after all! Zack Morris says he’s going to anticipate her needs, which I can only assume is code for foreplay.

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Screech, meanwhile, is depressed Lisa deleted her profile because that means he can’t look at her locked X-rated pictures.2014-09-10 15.46.00

Kelly says she has an inbox full of shallow boys, one of whom want to see her “pom poms” but Lisa says that was her because she wants to design a hat out of them. Wait…Lisa wants Kelly’s breasts on her head? Kelly says she doesn’t want a shallow guy.2014-09-10 15.46.10

Meanwhile random girl from the cover, whose name is Leslie, says that Kelly should just put out for all the guys who email her and get it over with. Since Leslie is a total loser, Kelly decides to send Leslie on a date from her profile to see if the guy is shallow or not. Meanwhile, Kelly will go on one of Leslie’s dates.

A guy named “Bay-Z” has a one hundred percent match with Kelly and, at The Max, we find out Bay-Z is, naturally, Zack Morris. Leslie, posing as Kelly, agrees to go out with him and they agree on a picnic at the park.
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At the park, Screech is playing waiter because it’s common for teenagers to have waiters on their dates at picnics. Kelly tags along with Leslie to find out who Bay-Z is and she’s all, “Oh, no, it’s Zack Morris! He’s such a bad lay!” Leslie meets Zack Morris and he’s quite surprised to find out she’s the one he’s been talking to. Leslie and Zack Morris end up hating each other because he’s hella lame and she’s mildly less attractive than Kelly. Leslie then reveals the switch.2014-09-10 15.46.38

Leslie also reveals her fetish for lizards and, when she finds out Screech likes them as well, she falls instantly in love.2014-09-10 15.46.45

Meanwhile, Kelly left at some point to go on her date with Herbert, who, since he wears glasses and has no taste in fashion, must be a nerd. Herbert realizes Kelly’s an idiot and Kelly reveals Herbert’s real match is Leslie. Herbert wants to get it on with Leslie but is scared to ask her out. Kelly says she’ll help him if he will do her a favor.

They go to The Max, where Kelly has Zack Morris and Herbert compete against each other over who knows random facts from Kelly’s profile better. Zack Morris thinks Gone with the Wind took place during Desert Storm and that Kappa Maki is a Japanese sorority. Zack Morris finally admits he had Screech show him Kelly’s profile and Kelly’s all, “Fuck you!”

At school, Screech says his web site didn’t bring anyone together. Zack Morris asks Screech about Leslie and he says he blew her off because he has to have a reason to continue sexually harassing Lisa. We see Kelly brought Leslie and Herbert together and Jessie is all, “Feminism! Power to the people!” Screech says he’s tired of the online dating scene so he’s going to create an online poker site featuring a King with Screech’s face on it and a Queen with Lisa’s face.

Leslie thanks Kelly for her help with Herbert and says she hopes Kelly finds her own guy instead of living in the shadow of Zack Morris all her life. Kelly’s second top match was someone named “Tigerfang” but Kelly doesn’t think she’ll ever figure out who that is.

In class, Slater says his date with the twins didn’t go well because they were using a weird triplet language. I think they call it English, Slater, you should learn it.Slater Tigerfang

 

Slater, who suddenly has the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his body building days, says it’s time to retire Tigerfang. Kelly gets a girl boner when she realizes Slater likes sushi and culture and stuff.2014-09-10 15.47.01And our comic ends with Zack Morris hoping to channel Screech’s mom. Does that mean he wants to fuck her?

Saved by the Bell Season 2 Recap

Before I get started, I just wanted to take this opportunity (especially since it won’t come around again for another six months), to thank everyone who reads this blog. As I write this, I’m up to record page views. I love writing this blog and I couldn’t do it without you. Thanks especially to Pablo, Mark Moore, and Jennie B who consistently comment almost every week. I love reading comments and hearing feedback and I generally approve almost everything I receive, positive or negative, unless it’s just not constructive at all.

With that, season two of Saved by the Bell.


Season two of Saved by the Bell was probably when the show finally started coming into its own. It wasn’t really trying horrible gimmicks yet to attract viewers, and there are some very good episodes in this season. I feel like this was the season that kept the franchise afloat for another nine years.

Yet, mixed in among great episodes like “The Prom” and “The Fabulous Belding Boys” were atrocious episodes like “Running Zack.” As always, the Saved by the Bell grab bag has to be a mixed one. And this isn’t even considering the fact that two out of season episodes made it into the mix. The show may not have jumped the shark this season, but the fin was definitely waiting to come out.


On top of all this, the DVDs for both seasons one and two were absolute, utter messes. I could forgive putting all four out of season episodes on the season one DVD. There’s actually some logic to that when you think about it. What I can’t forgive is the fact the episodes are advertised as in airing order but are definitely not in airing order. On top of that, three season two episodes are actually on the season three DVD: “The Fabulous Belding Boys,” “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo,” and “The Glee Club.” This is just messy and unforgivable. On top of that, The Summer of Morris, another Saved by the Bell review blog, has pretty much confirmed that what we have are cut episodes after that blog was able to dig up a lost scene from “The Zack Tapes.”

This is just unforgivable. What the DVDs are essentially saying is that they know we’ll buy these episodes no matter what crap they put out because they know we want the episodes. At this point, I have nothing but disgust for Lionsgate for doing this.


Let’s talk characterization.

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Oh, Zack Morris. You started off the season with so much promise when you actually did something admirable for Kelly in “The Prom.” You had to go and ruin it by being yourself, though, didn’t you. Between his racist portrayal of Native Americans, his desire to cheat on Kelly with the school nurse, and his attempt to sabotage Kelly’s chance to go to Paris, Zack Morris continues his trend of douchebaggery and takes it to new, unheard of levels. Zack Morris shows no growth this season, and he just becomes the kind of character you want to punch in the face.

vlcsnap-2014-06-29-19h02m15s113Speaking of punching people in the face, Screech’s character this season shows the beginnings of the annoying character who’s going to be with us for the next nine years. He’s a complete moron, totally unlikeable, and yet the gang still lets him hang around with them. He gets a girlfriend this season but forgets about her unless it’s convenient to the plot. We meet his mother but only so it can be established she’s as much an idiot as her son. Peter Engel wasn’t lying: Screech’s point on this show is to try and salvage really bad scenes, and it shows.

vlcsnap-2014-06-19-21h29m14s42Oh, Kelly, you showed so much potential this season. You were the focus of one of the best episodes of the season and you carried over your likeable bits. Unfortunately, Kelly is defined by men, and I only realized it this season. Without men to fight over her, she has no character. I mean, really, the only things I know about Kelly other than her being beautiful and attractive to the male characters is that she’s poor, she is either tone deaf or a musical genius, and she has lots of siblings, and none of these things are mentioned unless they’re directly needed for the plot. This is an instance where the writers could replace a character with a toaster oven without effecting the show.

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Poor Elizabeth Berkley. You will always be remembered for two things: Showgirls and being a caffeine pill addict. Jessie doesn’t have a lot to do this season outside getting over her addiction and pursuing Slater like a psychopath. She has minor subplots in other episodes but they never amount to much. Though Jessie has more characteristics than Kelly, she’s still defined by her pursuit of Slater which, in itself, is a pretty minor subplot this season.

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 Lisa’s on the show a lot, but she never does anything. She’s usually only there to get in on the antics of the gang, to insult Screech, or to act as the voice of reason, which is quite sad considering this is the girl who, last season, thought it would be a good idea to let Zack Morris prostitute her out to pay back her father. I can’t think of a single memorable Lisa scene this season and that’s quite sad, especially considering she’s been around since Good Morning, Miss Bliss.

vlcsnap-2014-05-06-17h49m12s253If there’s a character this season who really has no purpose, it’s Slater. The biggest plot he’s a part of this season was in “Save the Max,” and there he doesn’t even have a large role. The writers wrap up his infatuation with Kelly pretty early in the season and, without Zack Morris to fight with, the writers don’t seem to know what to do with Slater. He off and on pursues Jessie this season but that’s about it. Everything else is relegated to minor sub-plot status. Of course, they did find an excuse for him to take his shirt off this season for fan service, but there’s no reason for him to be there other than to be a pretty boy.

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Mr. Belding gets the most development of any character this season as we get an episode that shows just how much he cares for his students. Yet, despite this, we still get moronic plots involving him such as “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo,” where he shows pederastic tendencies. Most episodes he continues to be relegated to the background, which is probably how it should be since he’s meant to be Zack Morris’s foil.

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With this recap, it’s time to say goodbye to the first Saved by the Bell cast member to depart: Ed Alonzo. We’ll see him show up in a couple more out of season episodes, but this is the last season he actually appeared in. I don’t know why Max was given the boot, but I can only assume it was because the writers realized he was the most redundant character on the show. He never did anything useful and gave horrible advice. He also apparently randomly snuck around Bayside taking pictures of all the students.

So what did Ed Alonzo do after Saved by the Bell? Not much, it turns out. He’s made a few sporadic appearances on talk shows and in sitcoms such as Murphy BrownHow I Met Your Mother, and Modern Family, but he’s never had another major role. He continues performing magic and, from what I understand, he completely whores out the fact he was a regular on Saved by the Bell for a season to get people to come see him. But, yeah, he’s a definite d-list celebrity at this point and most people don’t even remember he was a regular on this show.


vlcsnap-2014-05-13-16h46m19s65Season two of Saved by the Bell is definitely better overall than season one, and I’d rather rewatch some of these episodes than much of what is to come. But it’s time to move on into season three as Saved by the Bell essentially becomes even more centered around Zack Morris than it already was.


My Picks

As usual, I encourage you to agree or disagree with my picks in the comments section below.

Five Episodes I Loved:

1. “The Fabulous Belding Boys” (Episode 15): This is, hands down, the best episode this season. The plot is mostly realistic, we get some amazing characterization for Mr. Belding, and Zack Morris really does learn something in the end. It’s going to be hard to beat this episode as my favorite of the series.

2. “The Prom” (Episode 1): This could have easily given “The Fabulous Belding Boys” some serious competition had it not been for the stupid subplots. Still, it’s a really good episode and I found myself genuinely empathizing with Kelly. I wish there were more episodes like these two.

3. “Jessie’s Song” (Episode 9): Don’t get me wrong. This is not a good episode. However, it is absolutely hillarious how ludicrous it is. Even more, it’s amazing that the writers thought this was a good idea. It’s the most infamous episode of the series by far and lives on as fodder for Elizabeth Berkley jokes.

4. “From Nurse to Worse” (Episode 16): I love it when Zack Morris acts like an asshole and gets his comeuppance. It may be completely improper for the nurse to conspire with the gang for revenge, but it’s great to see him get what he deserves nonetheless. It’s slightly hampered by the “Slater doesn’t want a flu shot” subplot, but it’s solid nevertheless.

5. “The Glee Club” (Episode 18): Okay, if I have to pick one more episode, it’s this one. It’s a solid episode that gives us some characterization for Violet and really shows off how much talent Aaron Spelling’s money can buy. It’s probably the only decent episode involving Screech this season.

Three Episodes that I Hate:

1. “Running Zack” (Episode 13): I hate this episode. I hate every single solitary minute of this twenty-two minute piece of racist garbage. I hate that someone thought this was bringing up sensitive issues in a wise way. I hate that Zack Morris is even more racist when he thinks he’s being racially sensitive. I hate that we, the audience, are insulted by the idea that Zack Morris is deeply affected by the passing of a minor supporting character he met twice. I hate that this episode exists.

2. “Blind Dates” (Episode 6): This is an episode without a reason for existing. The entire thing would have been cleared up if Zack Morris had just told Kelly and his parents that Mr. Belding was blackmailing him. Instead, we get a half hour of insufferable nonesense that is insulting to two year olds.

3. “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo” (Episode 17): All the characterization Mr. Belding received in “The Fabulous Belding Boys” is thrown down the drain as he crosses so many professional boundaries. What writer thought the concept of a principal hanging out in his student’s bed and talking about his love life problems was a good idea?

Honorable Mentions:

“Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind” (Episode 12) and “The Babysitters” (Episode 14): It’s no wonder NBC choose not to air these episodes during the first season. They’re two of the worst episodes I’ve seen in the franchise, and that includes what I’ve seen of The New Class. These episodes are subpar, even by Saved by the Bell standards, and should never have seen the light of day.

It’s Alright: Back to the Bell

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Our second bonus documentary from the season one and two DVDs is pretty much a bunch of people sitting around talking about Saved by the Bell. There’s no really coherent script and some of the anecdotes are contradictory. It features pretty much the same players as Saturday Morning: From Toons to Teens, so I won’t bother rehashing them.

We open with Peter Engel telling us that the original concept of Saved by the Bell was that each episode would be a “week in the life of,” following the gang from the first bell on Monday to the last bell on Friday, which is news to me. If this is what they were going for in the first season, they failed to convey it at all. In fact, this knowledge only makes things more confusing.

Dustin Diamond insults us all by telling us we either know a Screech or are a Screech. Good god, if that many Screeches are running around, I don’t know if I want to live any longer.

This time, we actually get mention of Good Morning, Miss Bliss as Peter Engel says that the show was Brandon Tartikoff’s idea based on the most significant person of his childhood, his sixth grade teacher, Miss Bliss. No mention is made of the original pilot or why that cast wasn’t carried over. Dustin Diamond tells us he auditioned many, many times with Mark-Paul Gosselaar to get the role of Screech. Dennis Haskins says he was the last person cast.

Peter Engel tells us he named all the characters after people he knew, even Screech. He also insults our intelligence by telling us Dustin Diamond was a comedy genius. Yes, there were the Marx Brothers, Mel Brooks, Robin Williams, and fucking Dustin Diamond. Give me a break.

They kind of gloss over the cancellation of Good Morning, Miss Bliss and don’t really tell why Disney Channel choose not to renew it. They also make no mention why Mikey and Nikki weren’t carried over to Saved by the Bell. In fact, Mikey and Nikki aren’t mentioned at all despite showing a photo with Mikey and Miss Bliss.

Peter Engel says after the cancellation, he had a meeting with Brandon Tartikoff and the decision was made to move the kids to California for a new show that would be a week in the life of. Peter Engel hated the name Saved by the Bell but it was chosen anyway. Dennis Haskins found out he would be carried over to Saved by the Bell because a wardrobe assistant was told to keep Haskin’s costumes. Also, Engel admits that Screech was his last ditch effort when a scene wasn’t working in an attempt to get cheap laughs. Makes sense.

There’s some mention that Elizabeth Berkley originally tried out for Kelly. Thank god she wasn’t cast as Kelly. She was also the oldest of the cast.

Peter Engel continues telling us about how clueless he in the development as he admits he did not want a bell or to hear “I was saved by the bell,” in the theme. Yeah, he was definitely the visionary on this show.

We get some admittance that the show was pretty unpopular in the beginning but eventually people came around. Dennis Haskins tells us that it was the TBS episodes that really made Saved by the Bell popular.

Don Barnhardt tells us there were eight to ten people writing each of these episodes. No wonder some of them seemed like such a mess.

Mention is made of Hawaiian Style and how most of it was filmed in Santa Monica, with only a few exterior shots in Hawaii because the producers were cheap asses despite having one of the most popular shows on television at the time.

Peter Engel once again shows how out of touch he is with what actually happened on the show when he says that Tiffani Amber-Thiessen wasn’t available for the last thirteen episodes of the show because she was on 90210. He apparently forgets that year in between Saved by the Bell and her stint on 90210 when she was on a little show called The College Years. Yeah, she just didn’t want to be on the fucking show anymore, dip wad.

We find out the reason Tori isn’t in the graduation episode is because it was shot before Tori joined the cast, which is a weak excuse. They talk about how Tori was a supposed replacement for Kelly. They also spend some time talking about famous people who were on the show.

They also try to pretend “Jessie’s Song” was some profound breakthrough in teen programming and about how the show is essentially all about something wrong being made right.

Eh, I guess it’s kind of cool hearing these people talk about Saved by the Bell but it’s kind of a soft documentary. Like Saturday Morning: From Toons to Teens, it really only glosses over anything that was wrong with the show while extolling it perfection from on high.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 9: “Belding’s Prank”

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We open with Tommy D coming down the stairs to meet Brian and Bobby. The audience quite literally has a fit that Tommy D has graced us, the viewer, with his presence for only the twenty-second time. I’m wondering if, at this point, the producers were desperately trying to turn Tommy D into the heartthrob of the series.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h22m51s243You’ll probably recognize Milton and Ron here but the middle nerd is a new one named Stanley. If he looks familiar to you, he should. We met him two weeks ago as “Noogie.” Yeah, the producers couldn’t go two weeks without reusing actors as new characters. Maybe Noogie had to go into witness protection after he blew the whistle on the athletic director.

Our nerds are here to play the most cliched practical joke ever on our three male leads: joy buzzers. Yes, The New Class is now recycling plots from way back in Good Morning, Miss Bliss as it’s prank week at Bayside.

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In a bizarre boundary crossing move, Mr. Belding is also in on prank week as he gives the boys fake detention, suspension, and expulsion just to see the looks on their faces. The boys are naturally depressed that they were fooled twice in a row, once by the nerds and the second time by the most insane principal in the country. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h23m58s162

Screech enters to tell Mr. Belding the new superintendent wants to visit Bayside. Mr.Belding, remembering how Screech pulled a prank on Miss Bliss six years ago, assumes this is also a prank and puts Screech in charge of the “school shaper-upper committee,” which is tasked with the all-important job of counting the chairs. I’m more amazed, though, that the writers are acknowledging Mr. Belding has a boss.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h24m53s26

In the second most cliched practical joke ever, the boys take a page from Screech’s ability to fool Miss Bliss and fill Megan and Rachel’s lockers with fake snakes. They scream like Jason and Freddy both jumped out of their lockers ready to eat their souls. Lindsay gets different treatment, though, when Tommy D ties her book to the inside of her locker. Oh the horror!vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h25m51s0

In Mr. Petrie’s science class…I don’t know how to describe the scene before me. Milton, Stanley, and Ron are in a circle around chickens dancing to the funky disco styling of Disco by Muzak.

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The chickens just look confused like, “What the fuck do these morons expect us to do right now?” and plot for an excuse to go all Alfred Hitchcock on their asses. What we are witnessing is apparently an experiment in which our nerds seek to show that chickens who dance disco produce larger eggs. Except…the chickens aren’t dancing disco. They’re standing around looking confused and questioning why they’re on a lame, unfunny, and unneeded television spin-off. Television writing 101: if you’re going to create a scenario, at least have the decency to make sure the situation you describe through dialogue is actually occurring. vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h26m38s220

Up next are our male heroes, who seek to show how weather affects nature…using recordings of bird calls and a toy elephant and giraffe. This is just fucking bad. This is like a Zack Morris last minute “pulled out of my ass” experiment.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h26m58s154

To make things worse, the girls have chosen to get revenge on the boys for mildly inconveniencing them by…sabotaging their science project. Come on, it may be a shitty little science project but it’s still their attempt to get a good grade. I think we’re seeing the importance here of making sure the proportion of your revenge matches the action you’re seeking revenge for. Otherwise, you come off looking like an unlikable asshole, as in the case of the girls.
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In Mr. Belding’s office, Screech dusts all the frames like a douche and then manages to get his feather duster stuck in the dot matrix printer. Mr. Belding’s secretary must be on vacation that day because Mr. Belding’s phone rings from an outside line and Screech answers it. It’s the superintendent calling again to establish what was already established a few minutes ago: that he’s coming to inspect Bayside. Mr. Belding comes in and, still under the impression it’s a prank, mildly insults himself by suggesting that Bayside is turning into a clown college.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h29m00s109

Screech starts crying at the realization that his boss is a fucking moron. Mr. Belding realizes that Screech’s tantrum probably means that this isn’t a prank and they get about rectifying the most pressing issue at Bayside: ensuring that a plumber is called to unclog the sink in the girl’s locker room. I’m glad they have their priorities in order.
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Ron and Stanley pick that moment to come in and reveal they’ve decided to follow in the long Saved by the Bell tradition of running around school in their underwear since their clothes have been strung up on the flag pole.
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Mr. Belding decides he has to call off prank week before the superintendent arrives, but not before he finds out Screech somehow wired water into the intercom microphone. I think that’s both dangerous and impossible. Is Screech trying to kill Mr. Belding now? If Mr. Belding didn’t make prank week an official school sponsored event, he wouldn’t have this problem.

The boys hear the announcement about prank week being cancelled but decide to prank the girls anyway since they won’t be expecting it. Unfortunately, by means of contrivance, the girls just happen to be hiding behind some mats and overhear the entire thing. They decide that, if the boys aren’t quitting, neither are they.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h31m08s105

And in walks the world’s best dressed plumber, Lou Jaworski, who explains that he just came from the “Golden Plunger” awards, because plumbers have comical sounding industry awards in this universe.

The girls tell the boys that Lou is actually the superintendent and tell them to undo what they did, which was apparently installing green slime in the girl’s locker room sink. Good lord this scene is taking forever.

Screech comes in to prolong the scene even further when the boys tell him that Lou is the superintendent. Since a comedic misunderstanding is needed, Screech assumes that Lou is the superintendent while Lou assume Screech knows he’s the plumber and just has lots of respect for his industry. Screech takes Lou off to meet Mr. Belding.

At The Max, Mr. Belding and Screech treat Lou to lunch and still don’t think anything is up when he says he gets paid by the hour and when Lou seems to know about the problem with the girl’s locker room. The girls decide to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s presence to go back to school and play their own practical joke.

Screech also rushes back to Bayside to chew out the plumber for being late.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h34m16s189

The girls have cawking pillows underneath lab coats that are supposed to be chickens. They run into Bobby, who realizes what’s going on, and the boys decide that their prank is back on.
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Stanley encounters this man, who says he’s Superintendent Stollman and that he’s looking for Mr. Belding. Stanley directs him to Screech and runs off really fast because he’s tired of being in this episode. Screech, in more wackiness, assumes that, because Mr. Stollman’s shirt is dirty, he’s the plumber. Oh, wacky classism!
vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h37m12s164Screech brings Mr. Stollman to the girl’s locker room, where he’s slimed by the boy’s prank. After engaging in some more wacky misunderstandings, Screech finally realizes who the superintendent is. Screech takes him to the boy’s locker room to clean up, where he’s promptly mauled by wild disco-crazed chickens. Mr. Belding comes in with Lou and figures out all these wacky misunderstandings.

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And Mr. Stollman comes out covered in fake feathers.

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After a commercial break and some rehashing of everything that’s gone on so far in this episode (in case you were comatose or just fell asleep out of sheer boredom), Mr. Belding comes out with a box full of his belongings and says he’s been fired.vlcsnap-2014-08-29-19h41m42s46We cut to The Max, where Mr. Belding is now a waiter because there were no other jobs available in Los Angeles for an educator with an administration degree. The gang all feel guilty and bleah bleah bleah.

Mr. Stollman holds an assembly to announce the new principal because superintendents always personally announce their new hires to the students. Mr. Stollman announces Mr. Belding is the new principal and, how wacky! It was a prank from Mr. Belding to teach the students the value of respecting his authori-tay. Mr. Belding decides that, because the gang felt guilty and learned a valuable lesson, there’s no need for detention. And everything is horribly wrapped up for another week!

Firsts: Stanley.