I know some of you were probably hoping for the Lifetime biopic, but that thing is turning out to be a bear to review. I’m going to do it but it won’t be this week. Instead, may I present another of Roar’s Saved by the Bell comics!
Our cover this month features Screech dressed as Tinkerbell. He’s flanked on all sides by his love interests, Zack Morris, Kelly, Slater, and…Elmira from Tiny Toons? I don’t know. The skull necklace is my clue. Otherwise, I have no idea who this is.
Our story this month is called “Screech-A-Date” and if that wasn’t enough to scare you off, Slater is very erotically staring at you, breaking the fourth wall. Yeah, Screech’s computer science project is creating a dating site just for Bayside, which seems like a really niche market except, remember, there was once a 900 number just for Bayside students. Bayside students must be the most privileged school in the world.
Screech’s site gives a one hundred question survey which is supposed to give you the perfect match, except all the questions involve knowledge of Dustin Diamond’s porno. Screech is skeptical since he knows Screech’s record with women while Zack Morris has already scoped out his newest sexual harassment victim, random nameless girl.
Random nameless girl turns into the Incredible Hulk and tells him she enjoys taking boys to meet her father on the first date and going to poetry slams. She also hates kissing on the first date, so Zack Morris concludes he probably won’t get laid with her. This is enough for Slater and Zack Morris to both give Screech’s site a try. Boy, they’re easily impressed!
In the cafeteria (Bayside has a Cafeteria!?!? Since when?!?!), Mr. Belding comes in to a quiet room full of people on their computers. Zack Morris and Screech tell him they’re all filling out profiles for the dating site. Mr. Belding says he wishes they would do something enriching for the community and Screech is all, “Fuck that shit!”
Slater has a date with triplets. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Girl power! I am not defined by a man!” Lisa is distressed to learn her questionaire has been rigged so all the questions are about Screech.
Zack Morris has an idea to force Kelly to date him. He has Screech bring up Kelly’s profile and read it to him. Turns out Kelly doesn’t like guys who lie, have huge egos, or blow off school. Since when? She did marry Zack Morris after all! Zack Morris says he’s going to anticipate her needs, which I can only assume is code for foreplay.
Kelly says she has an inbox full of shallow boys, one of whom want to see her “pom poms” but Lisa says that was her because she wants to design a hat out of them. Wait…Lisa wants Kelly’s breasts on her head? Kelly says she doesn’t want a shallow guy.
Meanwhile random girl from the cover, whose name is Leslie, says that Kelly should just put out for all the guys who email her and get it over with. Since Leslie is a total loser, Kelly decides to send Leslie on a date from her profile to see if the guy is shallow or not. Meanwhile, Kelly will go on one of Leslie’s dates.
A guy named “Bay-Z” has a one hundred percent match with Kelly and, at The Max, we find out Bay-Z is, naturally, Zack Morris. Leslie, posing as Kelly, agrees to go out with him and they agree on a picnic at the park.
At the park, Screech is playing waiter because it’s common for teenagers to have waiters on their dates at picnics. Kelly tags along with Leslie to find out who Bay-Z is and she’s all, “Oh, no, it’s Zack Morris! He’s such a bad lay!” Leslie meets Zack Morris and he’s quite surprised to find out she’s the one he’s been talking to. Leslie and Zack Morris end up hating each other because he’s hella lame and she’s mildly less attractive than Kelly. Leslie then reveals the switch.
Meanwhile, Kelly left at some point to go on her date with Herbert, who, since he wears glasses and has no taste in fashion, must be a nerd. Herbert realizes Kelly’s an idiot and Kelly reveals Herbert’s real match is Leslie. Herbert wants to get it on with Leslie but is scared to ask her out. Kelly says she’ll help him if he will do her a favor.
They go to The Max, where Kelly has Zack Morris and Herbert compete against each other over who knows random facts from Kelly’s profile better. Zack Morris thinks Gone with the Wind took place during Desert Storm and that Kappa Maki is a Japanese sorority. Zack Morris finally admits he had Screech show him Kelly’s profile and Kelly’s all, “Fuck you!”
At school, Screech says his web site didn’t bring anyone together. Zack Morris asks Screech about Leslie and he says he blew her off because he has to have a reason to continue sexually harassing Lisa. We see Kelly brought Leslie and Herbert together and Jessie is all, “Feminism! Power to the people!” Screech says he’s tired of the online dating scene so he’s going to create an online poker site featuring a King with Screech’s face on it and a Queen with Lisa’s face.
Leslie thanks Kelly for her help with Herbert and says she hopes Kelly finds her own guy instead of living in the shadow of Zack Morris all her life. Kelly’s second top match was someone named “Tigerfang” but Kelly doesn’t think she’ll ever figure out who that is.
Slater, who suddenly has the physique of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his body building days, says it’s time to retire Tigerfang. Kelly gets a girl boner when she realizes Slater likes sushi and culture and stuff.And our comic ends with Zack Morris hoping to channel Screech’s mom. Does that mean he wants to fuck her?