Here’s my recap of The New Class for the week: lots of stupid stuff happens. There! Done! Shortest recap ever, thank god!
And his stuff is in the shape of a heart. Because Alison is an idiot, she thinks it’s romantic. As usual, The New Class manages to be so thrilling with its public displays of affection. Every episode is the same: either we’re going at breakneck speed to get all the subplots in or nothing is happening.
Uh oh! Screech shoots his stuff all over Mr. Belding, and Mr. Belding is pissed because it’s a new shirt! Oh, the hijinks! Wait, does this mean Mr. Belding doesn’t know he can put his shirt in a magical device called a washing machine and it will be clean again?
Brian brings Alison a drink and she’s grateful he’s such a nice guy. The hilarity just keeps coming, even when Screech reveals his pet name for Alison is “Ali-wowie.” *groan*
Mr. Belding hands out fliers for the “Palisades Hills Charity Auction and Picnic” where the male employees of the country club are prostituted in the name of an unknown charity. Alison wants to bid on Screech but Mr. Belding says Screech is too hideous for this auction and has to stay behind the scenes instead.
Bobby has a plan to get a girl to touch his tender nipple buds. Lindsay, Megan, and Rachel are going to bid on Bobby so Denise, the girl who will molest him, will bid on him. Yeah, there’s no possible way this one can go wrong…
Mr. Belding introduces the auction as “bidding on your partner for a day of picnic fun.” I was assuming that meant an orgy on the golf course until Mr. Belding says that the couples will compete in a bunch of stupid picnic games. Wait…girls are supposed to pay for a partner for some stupid game? Even with the incentive that the winning team gets hot air balloon ride, something doesn’t sound right about this. Usually charity auctions are for dates. Worst prostitution ever…
Let’s meet our eligible men: Bobby, Tommy D, Brian, and, since Milton is not in the country club episodes, Hubert Dweebly. Guess it took them about five seconds to think up this character.
Bobby’s up first and his plan almost immediately backfires when Megan bids higher than Denise can go. Megan’s hella pissed she’s stuck with Bobby since she really wanted Hubert’s nipple buds.
Lindsay bids on Tommy D and threatens to cut a bitch if anyone else bids on her boyfriend.
There’s initially a bidding war on Brian between Rachel and a random extra, but Alison outbids them both. It’s then that Screech realizes his property is going to be with a much more attractive, manipulative guy.
Since Rachel lost Brian, she decides to bid on Hubert…for some reason…and Hubert decides this means he’s going to get his dork in her.
Tommy D doesn’t want to go up in the balloon so he conspires with Bobby to throw the games. They believe this means that Bobby will impress Megan so much she won’t regret spending her hard earned money on him.
Wait, there are plenty of other men in the background. Why are these the only four guys up for auction? This is going to be a pretty lousy charity auction. I guess those orphans have to go hungry another year.
In the kitchen, Megan baked four cherry pies for the pie eating contest and then conveniently leaves them out. Tommy D fills three of them with clam juice so they’ll taste horrible. He puts an extra cherry on the fourth one so Bobby will know which one is the good one. Yep, no way this can go wrong.
Now we get a bunch of practicing for the games, including…a blindfolded golf cart race? I don’t know much about driving a golf cart but something tells me this is extremely dangerous and a potential liability for the club, not to mention really lame. Hubert, of course, seizes the opportunity to molest Rachel, and she tells him this is sexual harassment and she doesn’t have to take it by pushing him out of the cart.
Meanwhile, Screech spies on his property practicing the three legged race with Brian and decides it’s time to reclaim the only girl who will ever love him and keep her from committing statutory rape. Screech sends Brian to wash the golf carts so he won’t have time to spend with Alison. He naturally wipes the X off the sabotaged cart.
Yes, Brian has to feed the frogs and then sing lullabies to them, because everyone knows frogs love lullabies. Brian forgets to latch the door, though, allowing the frogs to escape magically.
Tommy D gives Bobby a hard boiled egg for the egg toss. Meanwhile, Mr. Belding discovers a frog in his oatmeal. So the frog got into the kitchen and Mr. Belding’s oatmeal without anyone seeing it? Did everyone on this show take stupid pills this season? Brian comes running in and says the frogs escaped. Mr. Belding tells Brian he has to recapture the frogs before he can compete in the contest. Screech momentarily feels bad until Mr. Belding tells him that, since it’s not Alison’s fault Brian is a dumb ass, she should be able to have a substitute dumb ass and, thus, Screech can compete with her. At last, he has his property back!
Now it’s time for the games! At the egg toss, Tommy D purposely breaks his egg and is the first out. Wait, there’s a lot more guys at this egg toss than were in the auction. Where the hell did they all come from! Screech said Hubert was the last one! God, can they not keep continuity within the same episode on this series?!?!
Rachel’s so pissed she tosses her egg at Hubert but hits Mr. Belding. I guess that’s supposed to be physical comedy? I don’t know. Just roll with it.
It’s down to Megan, Bobby, Alison, and Screech. Screech soon drops the egg, leaving Bobby and Megan the cheating winners.
Tommy D and Bobby discover the X was washed off. Instead, Screech and Alison inadvertently get the fast golf cart as a bunch of blind drivers all within feet of one another attempt to win the race. Seriously, did the insurance company approve this? It would seem like they’d be concerned about, I don’t know, paying out money for accidents?
Screech sees Brian still looking for the frogs and feels bad, so he insists Brian replaces him. Alison thinks Screech is just a loving and caring guy. Boy, she hasn’t learned anything about him this summer, has she?
With a three way tie, the deciding event will be the frog jumping contest since the frogs conveniently decided to come back in time. Wait, what happened to that one-legged race they were practicing for earlier? Oh, whatever, there’s only a couple minutes left. The framing for this naturally prevents us from seeing the frogs in every shot since that would require extra effort.
Long story short, Lindsay and Tommy D’s frog sprints to the finish line first. Hubert kisses his frog thinking it’s Rachel. Screech tells Alison the truth that he sabotaged Brian because he was afraid Alison would realize a douchey high school student is a better lover than him. Alison is all, “That was stupid, but I still love you because the plot demands it!”And we close with stock footage of a hot air baloon along with a voice over of Tommy D saying he’s enjoying the ride and a voice over of Lindsay about to be sick. Guess recording their lines in a sound studio is tough work. Lindsay should consider some Pepto Bismol.