We open with Bobby, Claire, and Frieda singing the praises of the Glee Club, quite literally. Yeah, they’re harassing all their fellow students into joining via horrible song. And, uh oh! Noboby wants to join! Tommy D comes down the stairs with his new dumb ass friends who have never been seen or mentioned before and will never be seen or mentioned again, Jag and Vinnie, who are dressed as the typical ’50s era hoodlums who hang out at Bayside. The three declare that the Glee Club is the “Geek Club,” but Tommy D tells Bobby, “No offense,” which makes everything better.
Bobby catches the rest of the gang and harasses them to join. They all have lame excuses, including Lindsay, who can’t join because he has to meet Screech after school. Bobby reminds her that Screech is visiting his grandmother in Alaska and…
OH THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES! SCREECH DOES NOT APPEAR IN THIS EPISODE! Oh the occasional small gifts I get from watching this episode. Now if the rest of the cast would not appear in this episode and turn on a rerun of Alf instead.
Mr. Belding introduces the gang to the new…glee club teacher? Seriously, they have a Glee Club teacher? In the original series it was just Mr. Tuttle. This time…wow…no wonder, according to Mr. Belding, the school board wants to cut funding to the glee club. Yeah, the new teacher is Mr. Hartley, and this subplot is a rip-off of “The Substitute…”
…right down to Mr. Hartley’s sparkling teeth. The girls instantly decide glee club is their best opportunity to get into Mr. Hartley’s pants, and Brian is distressed because this means he won’t have time to study Spanish with Rachel, which I assume is code for fingerbang her.
In the locker room, Brian wants to give you a hug as he pretends to sing worse than William Hung with laryngitis. Bobby suggests that, if Brian wants to spend time with Rachel, he should try out for the glee club but, since he hella sucks, he has no chance. Meanwhile, in the showers, someone is singing Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore,” because all the kids in the ’90s listened to the rocking tunes of Dean Martin.
Turns out the voice belongs to Tommy D because, despite the fact that we’ve had episodes about music before and Tommy D was never musical, the writers decided Tommy D should miraculously get two new traits this season, so Tommy D becomes very good at lip syncing to other people’s singing. Bobby wants Tommy D to join the glee club and Tommy D says he’s not going to embarrass himself by joining that club. No, Tommy D, you’re embarassing yourself by singing Dean Martin. Brian develops a plan on the spot for Tommy D to sing Brian’s audition to the glee club for him so he can continue fingerbanging Rachel.
Brian has Tommy D outside a window singing (did the classrooms ever have windows before) and, since no one at Bayside has any sense of hearing, they all believe Brian is this super awesome talented singer, and Brian gets in the glee club.
But, uh oh! Mr. Belding has super selective hearing and, hearing Brian, thinks he’s super talented and orders Mr. Hartley to make him the featured soloist.
At The Max, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum make some comments about Brian being a canary for joinig the glee club that I really don’t understand, but it’s enough to convince Tommy D he needs to keep his reputation up with these two people he’s never met before.
Rachel just flat out wants to marry Mr. Hartley. That’s not positive thinking.
The three start fighting over who Mr. Harley wants to study Spanish with more but they feign a truce since they’re friends who are fighting over a man who would go to jail if he touched them.
Mr. Belding tells Brian and Bobby that he invited Mr. McKenzie from the school board to today’s glee club rehearsal. Apparently Mr. McKenzie has complete control over the budget and the power to give and take away funding, which is totally how that works. Mr. Belding says that he wants Mr. McKenzie to see how awesome their single soloist. After Mr. Belding leaves, Brian feigns crying as Tommy D walks up to convince Tommy D that, if he doesn’t sing for the glee club, Brian will be sent back to Switzerland, which is a horrible lie but whatever.
Meanwhile, the writers can’t decide if they want this actor to be Stanley or Noogie, so he’s Noogie again this week. I think Stanley must be Noogie’s alter ego that he turns into when he receives too many noogies. He sells the girls stuff to sabotage each other’s performance so that Mr. Hartley will be more likely to study Spanish with them and not the others. Noogie sells Megan hot and spicy lipstick, Lindsay a plastic spider, and Rachel “hiccup juice,” whatever the hell that is.
Mr. Belding comes up with Mr. McKenzie and, finding Tommy D outisde the room, insists Tommy D join them and listen to this kick ass performance. Meanwhile Rachel gives Lindsa the hiccup juice but then accidentally gives it to the rest of the back ground characters. Megan gives Rachel the lipstick to put on, and, during the performance, Megan screams at the sight of the fake spider. Yeah, despite these problems, and the fact that Bobby isn’t moving his lips at all, the performance doesn’t sound half bad.
Mr. Belding asks Brian to sing and redeem the performance, and Brian puts on a performance that rivals Roseann Barr singing the National Anthem. Mr. McKenzie, deciding this group hella sucks, unilaterally declares that funding for the glee club will be cut, because he can totally do that without consulting any of the other school board members.
In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding and Mr. Hartley get down to the bottom of this shit before they hand out spankings. They pretty much go over everything that’s happened in the episode so far. Brian convinces Mr. Belding to get Mr. McKenzie to come to the assembly on Friday so he can hear the glee club give its “best” performance.
Tommy D still won’t budge, though, because his two hooligan friends may object. Bobby is all, “Tommy D, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your voice because it may cause girls to want to study Spanish with you,” and we cut away as Tommy D thinks about what the obvious conclusion of this episode will be.
It’s almost showtime for the glee club and the gang is dressed in their best boy scout uniforms. Of course, the glee club sounds nothing like they did before because they’re good at lip syncing to a professional recording. I swear, some of the cast, especially Rachel, look completely uncomfortable to be there. It’s still not good enough for Mr. McKenzie because he likes to abuse his power.
But Tommy D comes out and helps them out with the lip syncing. Tommy D’s fake melodies melt Mr. McKenzie’s icy heart and he reinstates full funding for the glee club because, once again, he can totally do that. Yeah, just like the newspaper, five dollars says we never hear about this again with this iteration of the cast.