While the gang was at Malibu Sands last week, it seems everyone’s heard about Kelly’s ways. This extra wants to molest Zack Morris’s shoulder. Slater’s jealous that all he has is Jessie’s dried up vagina.
Zack Morris pretends he’s not upset by Kelly breaking up with him, but his obsession shows through and would be enough to make him a suspect on CSI. I am curious how he got all those Tiger Beat photos of Kelly and why that’s not making him jealous.
Oh and it’s Lisa’s sixteenth birthday at the end of the episode. Yeah, I guess it’s important you know that. Kelly wants to bring Jeff to Lisa’s party and everyone’s all, “We don’t want him molesting us.” Lisa says she doesn’t care who Kelly brings as long as she has a happy sixteenth birthday.
But who should come in but Slutty McSlutterton and her boyfriend, creepy college guy. Yeah, in case you forgot he’s older than Kelly, the costumers put him in an oversized UCLA shirt. Slater and Screech try to keep Zack Morris from noticing but soon Kelly screams at the movie and jumps in Jeff’s arms, causing Zack Morris to get up and walk out before Screech has a chance to do the same.
Back at Bayside and, in no way dating this series, Lisa tells Jessie she wants to fuck M.C. Hammer for her birthday. Guess Milli Vanilli and Kid ‘n Play were too busy. Meanwhile Zack Morris tells Lisa he can’t come to her party if Kelly is there, which seems quite reasonable considering how recently they broke up.
Zack Morris decides it’s time to study in order to get his mind off Kelly and get a good score on the SATs later in the season. Kelly’s name is everywhere, though, and God is punishing Zack Morris for being Zack Morris by reminding him of her sluttiness.
The rest of the gang come in and decide that the solution to Zack Morris’s depression is to date other women, which is horrible advice. Jessie also thinks he should just snap out of it. Once again, horrible advice that will push a suicidal person off a ledge. God he has awful friends.
Then there’s Cassie and she’s fat and eats a lot and is unlovable and it’s funny. Really, what goes through these girls’ minds when they’re told they’re going to play someone who Zack Morris refuses to date because they’re too fat?
The final contestant is Screech’s cousin, Kimberly, whom Zack Morris thinks is just right. Zack Morris also appears to be seeing the same movie over and over again. The local movie theater must only play the great film classic, Generic Film with the Sound of Gunfire. Also, Zack Morris asks Kimberly to go back to The Max with him so Jeff can steal another girl from him.
At The Max, Screech gets his nose stuck in a spoon for no reason. Meanwhile, Jeff encourages Kelly to make up with the gang.
Kelly comes back and is like, “How dare you try to make me feel bad for treating you like shit! Muzak Track A12 is a sacred bond between us that was never meant to be broken! I’m going to slap you, instantly getting the gang back on my side since it’s so horrible you’re dating the girl they set you up with!”
Also, Kimberly overhears Zack Morris and Kelly’s conversation and decides that Zack Morris’s shirt needs a splash of chocolate.
At Bayside, Lisa and Jessie make up with Kelly and are all, “Your being a whore bag is so much better than Zack Morris dating the girl we set him up with.” They also tell Zack Morris that he’s a horrible person for feeling angry that Kelly cheated on him because that’s so something not to be angry about.
Zack Morris has a mental break down and starts throwing Kelly’s wardrobe out of his locker. So…was the locker where they fucked? Mr. Belding finally has something to do this episode by punishing Zack Morris for being himself.
At Lisa’s party, she must have gotten struck by lightning because she’s gained the ability to psychically tell what is in all the packages simply by shaking them. Kelly and Jeff show up and Jeff instantly wins Slater over because he’s also a wrestler. Wrestling apparently cures all in the Saved by the Bell universe. Maybe Zack Morris just needs to wrestle with everyone. Jessie is all, “Jeff, I hated you because Kelly is a slut but now I realize that if you were good enough for Kelly to cheat on our friend with, you’re good enough for us.”
Kelly’s upset when she finds out Zack Morris isn’t coming and tells Slater and Lisa that she never meant to hurt him. Slater’s all, “We know. You were just being a selfish bitch who had no thought of how her actions would effect others.”
Zack Morris tells Kelly, “The writers didn’t want to make this a three part episode so they decided I should forget all about my emotions and just pretend like nothing ever happened.” Also, Jeff is eyeing Kelly to make sure she doesn’t have any plans to cheat on her current boyfriend with her ex-boyfriend, since she does have a history of that sort of thing. Zack Morris tells Kelly they can be friends, which I assume is passive aggressive talk for “Die, you stupid bitch.” He also tells Jeff to treat Kelly well, which I guess is code for, “Kelly likes to be pile drived doggy style while you play with her nipples.”
And everyone lives happily ever after when Zack Morris decides to whore it up with a random girl at the party because everyone on this show is apparently a sociopath.