We open with Mr. Belding off his meds again, apparently believing it’s Christmas during the month of July. He tells Tommy D that it’s time for the country club’s annual Christmas in July party, which I’m sure Tommy D should have heard about already if it’s an annual tradition, but Tommy D’s an idiot so let’s chalk it up to that.
The most disturbing thing this series has presented thus far drives up: Screech in a motor vehicle. Yes, this is Screech’s beloved scooter that we’ve never heard about before despite the fact that it’s supposed to be his prized possession.
Of course, the writers take advantage of mistletoe being present to give some fan service that no fan of this series ever asked for. Someone needs to check Alison for a brain tumor. It would explain her lack of taste.
Mr. Belding gives Screech the job of organizing the Secret Santa drawing. Screech rigs the drawing so that Alison’s name is on top followed by Lindsay’s name. Why he is helping Tommy D but not Brian and Bobby is never explained. I assume that, without Zack Morris around, Tommy D is the most attractive and the new object of Screech’s suppressed homoerotic fantasies.
Screech pulls Alison but, Tommy D being an idiot, he shakes the bowl up before he picks and gets Mr. Belding, who immediately starts giving Tommy D his measurements as if Tommy D could afford to get him a three piece suit. Don’t Secret Santa drawings usually have monetary limits of $10 or $20?
Meanwhile, Bobby picks Mr. Harrington, whom the writers suddenly remembered exists, and is worried that, if he doesn’t get Mr. Harrington something he likes, he’ll be rough in their foreplay later. Brian gets Lindsay and refuses to change because he’s counting on another season and a chance to get to Lindsay’s girl boner. Lindsay gets Megan, and Rachel and Megan don’t matter because their recipients are never seen.
Mr. Harrington announces the Snow Queen Pageant for employees only, where the winner could win a whopping $1,000 towards her education. Boy, $1,000! That’ll pay for a whopping one tenth of a semester’s tuition, which easily impresses our easily impressed girls. Too bad Screech apparently dropped out of Cal U to work here or he could have entered another beauty pageant.
Brian hasn’t had a public display of affection with Rachel yet so he makes up some bullshit about how, when a bell rings, you have to kiss the one you’re with. Clearly, Brian is not a Jimmy Stewart fan.
Screech is so proud of his present for Alison, bubble bath in a plastic candy cane, that he shows it off to Lindsay and Rachel in case they ever want a Dirty Sanchez. Meanwhile, Megan took her Jessie pill today and decides that it’s misogynist for girls to be judged in swimsuits. Lindsay and Rachel are all, “We’ll support you if you fuck the hell off.”
Megan finds Mr. Harrington and expresses her disapproval of the swimsuit competition, but Mr. Harrington tells her that tradition is tradition and he enjoys looking at high school girls wearing next to nothing so, if she doesn’t like it, she can just fuck the hell off with her dried up pussy.
Meanwhile, Mr. Harrington bought Alison a Convertible for a Christmas in July present because Alison is the most spoiled person in the history of everything. Screech feels his penis cut off because he wants to give her a present she’ll really enjoy. Eww.
The writers forgot what they had Bobby doing at the country club so they now have him working at the pro shop. Bobby asks Alison what he should get her father, but when Bobby tries out several potential presents, Mr. Harrington is all, “You poor people need to learn to have more money so you can buy better presents for me.”
Meanwhile, Rachel and Brian are practicing. Rachel sings, very badly, and it’s hardly surprising she can’t sing since I remember Sarah Lancaster’s role on Everwood. Bobby is given a light up Rudolph nose with antlers and he says that wearing a light up nose is so degrading. Of all the things you’ve done on this show, Brian, you think this is degrading? Boy, you have your priorities all out of whack.
Megan tells Lindsay and Rachel that Mr. Harrington won’t bow to her every demand so she’s come to them, sure that they will. Lindsay and Rachel are all, “Bitch, we need some drinking money for college! We’ll show our titties for that!” Megan responds with a judgmental speech about how everyone disappoints her so much because they don’t recognize her god mode status.
Yes, straight from your nightmares, it’s Santa Screech. Sit on his lap and he’ll give you his special present! The writers throw in a fat kid joke just for the hell of it before Mr. Belding comes in and refuses to allow Screech to inflict such terrifying horrors on the club guests.
Tommy D and Bobby switch gift recipients as Megan finds Mr. Harrington to tell him she’s not a cheap whore and won’t be in the beauty pageant, unlike her friends who are stupid slutty bitches. Mr. Harrington tells her, “That’s fine. No one gives a damn about you anyway.” Lindsay is all pissed and desides to give Megan a piece of prop coal as her present.
The writers give some Megan fan service since she won’t be unclothed in any other scene this episode. Bobby tells Megan he would fuck her and Megan is all, “I want to be fucked for my mind and not my body.” Bobby asks her how anyone will know how she feels if she’s not at the pageant and Megan instantly decides she needs to follow the script of the Saved by the Bell episode they’re ripping off closer.
It’s time for the pageant and Screech is our disturbing presenter, regaling us with song and dance about underage girls. The contestants are our three female regulars and three background characters who don’t matter because they’re not one of our eight regulars.
Through the magic of transition, we skip the entire pageant and go directly to the closing event, the swim suit competition. Of course, Megan wears a business suit and asks to explain herself as Screech wonders why this all sounds so familiar. Megan is all, “Fem-a-mism…go go Gadget vagina…oh, hell, guys, I’m a suck ass replacement for Jessie so I’ll just say give me the prize because I dared to defy the man!”
And they do. The judges give Megan the prize because she dared to defy the man. Well, wasn’t that just an anticlimactic end to that…was that the plot or a subplot? I don’t know. There’s like a million subplots running around this episode and, though I can usually tell which is intended to be the main plot, all of them in this episode are equally unremarkable.
It’s time to hand out gifts now and Megan gets Lindsay’s lump of coal and says she deserves it for being a stupid judgmental bitch. The girls make up because they need to be friends again next episode since they won’t be able to make a new replacement friend until the end of the season.
Screech gives Alison the watch and Alison, who’s also Screech’s Secret Santa by complete contrivance, gives Screech a horn for his scooter. Screech reveals he sold his scooter to buy the watch and Alison tells him, “I don’t have any taste. That’s why I’m dating you! So return your watch and give me the stupid bubble bath!”
Brian gives Lindsay a musical snow globe and it’s a good thing because it plays the Christmas carol our cast sings us out on, a small portion of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas.” What they don’t tell us is that it’s a magical snow globe because it starts playing music even before Lindsay is done winding it. Oh, The New Class, it’s so cute how you can’t even get the smallest of details right.