Monthly Archives: October 2014

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 8: “My Boyfriend’s Back”


We open with Zack Morris skipping off to the kitchen to make a Stacey Cream Pie. Zack Morris hopes this will mean that he’ll finally be rid of his cursed virginity but Stacey just wants to feed him cheese, meat, and butter instead. Oh, and Zack Morris can’t tell Stacey he loves her after dating exactly one episode. They kiss, though, which makes the audience loose their shit.

Cut to the…refreshment stand? I don’t know. Wherever this is, it’s weird they’re getting ready to have an employee meeting here with the only seven employees who matter enough to have speaking roles. Also, Zack Morris and Slater are conveniently not wearing shirts because the producers want all the little girls and gay boys who watch this show to have funny feelings in their downstairs area. Seriously, Slater can be rationalized since he’s a lifeguard but Zack Morris is just randomly not wearing a shirt for no good reason. I guess this is when the producers realized that lust was making the viewers come back.

Mr. Carosi, meanwhile, is having a mid-life crisis and decided to ride an ATV to work pretending to be Evil Knievel. The club is having a charity ATV race next week where members sponsor people to race.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h56m10s93 Mr. Carosi is upset that he doesn’t know how to drive an ATV correctly and crashes into a fence that jumped out of nowhere. Slater tries to show off by pointing out everything that’s wrong with the ATV but Mr. Carosi slaps him with a glove and tells him to put a shirt on, hippie!

After Mr. Carosi and the girls leave, Slater reverts to kindergarten mode and makes kissie faces about Zack Morris and Stacey.


Meanwhile, Zack Morris’s arm pit hair, disturbed that it’s being exposed so much to the sun, tries to make a break for it. Seriously, guys, there’s nothing gay about trimming your body hair before it turns into Cousin It and tries to suffocate you in your sleep. Trust me when I say, that’s a horror movie you don’t want to come true.

Kelly becomes the first person to be sponsored in the ATV race after she brings some neglectful couple their daughter back before she drowned in the ocean and became a Lifetime movie. The couple is so happy they immediately agree to sponsor Kelly to thank her for not allowing their inattention to become known to the world.

Screech, meanwhile, is apparently stalking Kelly’s every move because he’s conveniently standing there listening to the interaction with bad parents of the month. This gives him an idea, which is handy considering he has no sense of boundaries with children.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h58m25s164

Yes, Screech picks up a random child and takes him to a random couple who happen to be wearing glasses because all people who wear glasses are related. Screech asks the couple to sponsor him and they’re all, “Fuck off, Dumbass.” God, this is the guy who’s going to be working at Bayside for six years after this series. Good thing the random couple weren’t kidnappers or child molesters. The good thing about this scene is the boy kicks Screech in the leg for trying to abduct him. The kid even runs back to kick Screech again in front of Lisa. Coolest kid ever.

Screech asks Lisa to sponsor him and Lisa tells him she wouldn’t sponsor someone so idiotic that he would try kidnapping multiple children in only a few episodes. She instead, offers to sponsor Zack Morris because someone had to.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-13h59m59s78

To top off the Screech abuse, the kid returns with his brother and a couple Super Soakers and chases Screech around the beach as the extras all point and laugh. Seriously. Coolest kids ever.

Slater comes in and exposits to Jessie he heard she signed up for the ATV race. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Gloria Steinum’s pussy! Women can drive those ATMs just as good as men!”

Stacey comes in to observe them fighting when a stranger comes up to accost Stacey. Turns out it’s Craig, Stacey’s never-before-mentioned boyfriend, and he’s here to turn Stacey into a cheating whore like Kelly.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h01m44s105

Slater is all, “Wait till Zack Morris finds out he got rid of one skank for another!” and Jessie is all, “Feminism?”

Mr. Carosi introduces Craig to the other regulars sans Zack Morris as a rich student at Yale. Mr. Carosi is sponsoring Craig in the ATV race because Mr. Carosi is apparently a member and not an employee. Craig tells Mr. Carosi he plans on asking Stacey to wear his fraternity pin. HIS FRATERNITY PIN!?!? No! That’s practically asking the girl to go steady with you!


Screech tries to distract Zack Morris from seeing Craig by serving dirty rolls to the customers and expressing his undying love for Zack Morris. Screech, though, being a complete moron, spills the entire thing. Zack Morris handles this the way he handles ever crisis at Malibu Springs: by walking out on his job in the middle of his shift.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h05m00s22

At the girls’ house, Jessie’s ready to play baseball indoors when she hears the doorbell. She hopes she has the opportunity to practice her feminism self-defense but it’s just Zack Morris here to bemoan the fact that his new girlfriend is a skank whore to his two currently platonic female friends and his ex-skank whore girlfriend. Kelly’s all, “I’m sorry you’re dating a cheating slut again,” and Jessie tells him that she’s sure Stacey will pick him soon.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h06m59s148

Mr. Carosi has the gang assembled for a ceremony when Craig and Stacey walk in. Turns out it’s a ceremony so Craig can give Stacey his fraternity pin! Oh my god! They’re practically married now! Tonight they’ll consummate their love with a game of Super Mario Bros. Zack Morris, meanwhile, walks out because he can’t possibly compete with a fraternity pin!

In the employee lounge, Zack Morris is packing his things to go home when Screech tells him that he should date Stacey in his mind like Screech dates Lisa in his mind. That’s not creepy at all. Between kidnapping random children and stalking women in his mind, Screech is beginning to sound more and more like a serial killer. Maybe that’s the real reason The New Class had to change cast so often.

Lisa and Slater come in and give Zack Morris a lecture about not quitting just because his girlfriend is a dirty slut. This makes Zack Morris instantly reconsider.

At the ATV race, Stacey comes up to try and talk to Zack Morris but Zack Morris is all, “I’m still trying to figure out how I could date two dirty sluts in one season.” Craig comes up and smack talks Zack Morris as he tells Stacey to get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich, which doesn’t sit well with Stacey.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h11m38s157

And now our only five contestants are assembled! Yeah, they couldn’t afford more than five ATVs for this episode so it’s restricts to 2/3 of the gang plus Yale boy.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h12m26s128

The contestants are off and Jessie can’t control her ATV because she’s a girl and girls can’t drive. There’s the slight scream of “Feminism!” as the ATV heads out of control towards the ocean and Jessie drowns. Kelly’s all, “Haha! I’m smarter than Jessie!”

The race basically becomes a contest between Zack Morris and Craig as everyone else was told to hang back since they aren’t major players in the episode. As Zack Morris is about to win, Craig comes up and gently bumps his ATV, allowing Craig the edge he needs to win the race.

Everyone is all, “Craig is a douche,” and Stacey’s like, “That’s not fair!” but she follows Craig off anyway because the plot demanded it.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h13m40s88

Unfortunately, Jessie survived plunging her ATV in the ocean and decided to come back wearing seaweed as a necklace. She’s all, “But feminism power should have worked! It’s to me what spinach is to Popeye or Scooby Snacks to Scooby-Doo and Shaggy or the leather jacket to the Fonz or bad acting to The New Class cast!”

Later Stacey finds Zack Morris on the beach and he finally tells her he loves her despite the fact that she’s a stupid skank whore and he’s only dated her two episodes. Stacey’s all, “I love you, too! I gave Craig back his fraternity pin so now let’s make everything alright so we go on with episodes from this arc!”vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h15m05s178

Zack Morris is pleased with himself that at least one of his slutty whores from this season choose him.vlcsnap-2014-10-20-14h15m48s75

And our episode ends with Zack Morris and Stacey back together and vowing never to mention Craig again.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 16: “Back at the Ranch”

I am so glad the country club episodes are over. See, this would normally be the week I had to review another of those abominations! But they’re over now and I can get back to reviewing The New Class episodes that are just horrible. So, I wonder what’s up for me this week. Let’s check IMDB.

Mr. Belding treats the gang to a week-long trip to Gold Canyon Ranch, a dude ranch owned by Screech’s Uncle Lester and his bullying son Clint.

Excuse me for a moment…


Why? Why must this dumb show do this, especially so soon after the country club episodes?!?! WHY DO THEY INSIST ON MORE LOCATION EPISODES!!! Why I ask you! Why!?!?

Thank you. That feels a lot better to have that out of my system.

Yes, my friends, we’re at Gold Canyon Ranch, and a voice over featuring Screech doing one of the worst impersonations of a western accent I’ve ever heard informs us that the gang worked so hard that Mr. Belding decided to treat them somewhere special. Since people might finally realize how often Mr. Belding crosses boundaries with his students if he took them to a porno theater or a nudie bar, he decided to go with Screech’s idea of visiting his Uncle Lester’s dude ranch because the writers figured why the hell not.


Meet Uncle Lester, who will probably never be seen or mentioned again after these episodes. We establish that Screech hasn’t been here since he was a kid and also that he has almost as good a taste in western clothing as 1955 Doc Brown in Back to the Future Part III

We quickly go through some unfunny running gags, like Rachel believing that “roughing it” means bringing five bags. Why would you have to rough it on a dude ranch? Ranchers aren’t survivalists. I think the writers of The New Class have camping and visiting a dude ranch confused. No worry, though, because Mr. Belding is quick to give Rachel a bad touch. Also, Tommy D is an idiot and wants horses to be more like cars because…it’s supposed to be funny?vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h43m43s213

Suddenly someone does something that should have been done long ago: tie Screech up. Unfortunately, he soon lets him go. He would have been my favorite character of the franchise had he kept Screech tied up throughout the episode. Yes, this is Cousin Clint, who has bullied Screech since he was a kid because it’s so easy to do. Apparently bullying Screech involves calling him a skinny little runt. That’s bullying? I guess this entire blog is bullying activity then.


It’s time for Clint to teach the gang how to mount a horse, and Screech is the only one not keen to try since he’s never mounted anything in his life. Of course, Clint picks Screech, and this is another instance of Clint’s “bullying” since Screech is such a dumb ass he can’t figure out how to get on a horse.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h46m15s227

Now Bobby gets to rope a steer. Maybe it will drag him along and seriously injure him on a rock.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h46m28s94

Oh, wait, the writers already blew their animal budget on the horses so they have bobby rope a wooden crate with a bull’s head on it. It’s hard to tell if Bobby realizes this isn’t a real steer since he seems so proud of being able to rope something that can’t fight back.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h47m20s110

Screech apparently can’t even serve food right because he dumps grits all over his shirt. Of course, Clint is a bully because he laughs at it, but I guess the audience are all bullies too since they think it’s funny as well. See these holes you’re digging yourself into, The New Class? You just painted your entire audience as horrible people, which they probably are but that’s beside the point!

Megan asks Uncle Lester if there is real gold in Gold Canyon and Uncle Lester tells them there used to be but that the mines have been closed for a long time. Uncle Lester also tells them that it’s dangerous and there were booby traps set to keep people out. Mr. Belding tells the gang to stay away from the canyon and then tells them that he and Uncle Lester are going to go to town so that the rest of the plot can commence.

The minute Mr. Belding is out of earshot, the gang begs Clint to take them into the canyon. Clint is all, “I’m cool so I guess it’ll be okay if I go even though I’m technically half the adult supervision here but 75% since the other half has an IQ lower than my hat.” Screech wants to go with them and supervise but Clint is all, “You’re too much of an idiot and would just fall off your horse,” which is true but, once again, this is The New Class and that’s more evil bullying. As the gang all leave, Screech suddenly reveals he can play basic songs on the harmonica since harmonica are all western and stuff.

The gang dismount to start looking for gold and Clint gives Tommy D the job of tying up the horses. Mistake number one: trusting Tommy D with anything. Tommy D’s horse is named Fluffy. The problem here is Fluffy is instantly more likable than any of the regular characters on this show and probably gets paid more.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h50m37s16

I shit you not: the next scene features the gang just randomly digging in various spots around the area. They went searching for gold with no idea of where to find it. This is beyond idiotic, especially after Uncle Lester warned them how dangerous the area was! Clint tells them the only thing he’s ever heard is that the gold can be found under the big kiss, so Brian kisses Rachel and tells the gang to dig there because gold just magically appears like that.

Megan screams when Lindsay points out that there’s a big, hairy lizard on her shoe that none of the rest of us are allowed to see because that would involve actually getting said lizard.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h51m13s129

This is enough for the horses to all declare that this entire show is stupid as fuck and get the hell out of there. Since Tommy D’s idea of tying up the horses is tying them all together, it’s easy for them to get the hell out. Clint rides back to the ranch to get help, hoping that the gang will be eaten by the coyotes we conveniently hear howling as soon as he warns them about wild animals.

As the gang wait for Clint to get back, they decide the best thing to do is remain stationary so that the falcon and mountain lion they hear can more easily find them. Brian declares he’ll protect them with his Swiss Army Knife because…he’s Swiss…and Lindsay wonders aloud if Clint is dead yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h53m20s125

Well, not quite yet but Clint’s horse decides the rest of the horses had the right idea. It bucks Clint off its back and runs away, leaving Clint with…a sprained ankle? I don’t know. I would have thought he was more likely to get a back or a head injury. After all, I watched the last episode of Full House.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h54m01s23

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Screech is being helpful by randomly cutting bark off a stick for no reason because…that seems western? He falls asleep in the middle and, I kid you not, we have a fucking five minute dream sequence. It’s now eleven minutes into the episode. That means most of the second half is this stupid dream sequence that has no bearing on anything. Sigh. Let’s take a look at it.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h54m27s26

Why, it’s the old west, and all the people this episode was already paying to appear are there! Tommy D is a blacksmith!vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h54m40s146

Brian is the sheriff! 

Lindsay is…a hooker? I don’t know. I never quite get what she’s supposed to be since the only reason she’s there is to kiss Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h55m59s174

Bobby is a sheriff’s deputy who suddenly gets his pants shot down. Does that mean someone shot Bobby in the penis? That could actually make this episode interesting!

Surprise, surprise. Clint is the villain, a rogue cowboy who enjoys seeing underage kids shot in the penis. Bobby declares there’s only one man who can stand up to Clint, the “Harmonica Kid.” Gee, I wonder who that’s going to be.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h56m35s33


It’s convenient when the “outskirts of town” are nicely signed near a person who the gang just said doesn’t want to be found.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h56m54s224

Oh, they just keep surprising me with these plot twists! Screech is the Harmonica Kid! I never would have guessed!

Oh, and Mr. Belding is a drunk hillbilly who, for some reason, lives with Screech. Is this The New Class’s version of Brokeback Mountain?


Brian and Megan, who’s the school teacher in this universe, come to beg Screech to take care of Clint. For once, I’m glad the Saved by the Bell universe isn’t historically accurate. Given their track record for racial sensitivity, I almost expected Megan to come out with chains on.

It takes all of about thirty seconds to convince Screech to rip off his clothes and his fake mustache, ready to fight Clint once he realizes he had another change of clothes under his clothes.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-11h58m44s23

They had nothing else to do with Rachel in this dream sequence so she’s selling anachronistic souvenirs because…anachronism is automatically funny?

It’s time for the fight.


We first get an uncomfortable close-up of Screech.

And we see Clint is possessed by the devil. So I bet you have no idea how this gun fight is going to end. I bet you can’t possibly guess. Why, I guess I’ll tell you since it’s so hard to figure out.

Screech shoots the gun out of Clint’s hand and Clint runs away. My god, The New Class does know how to do crazy unpredictable plot twists, don’t they.

Everyone thinks Screech is super cool and get ready for an uncomfortable moment.

You see, Screech gets kissed by not one…


Not two…vlcsnap-2014-10-17-12h37m21s167

But three underage girls! So Screech’s dreams involve romantic favors from his teenage students. This show just keeps getting creepier and creepier.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h00m34s119

Screech wakes up to discover he’s actually making out with Fluffy. Oh, Fluffy, you can do so much better! Screech quickly deduces that if Fluffy is there, he’s not with Tommy D, and decides that something is wrong since they couldn’t possibly have come back while he was asleep. He decides it’s time for Super Screech to jump into action!

Meanwhile, the gang unfortunately still haven’t been eaten by the mountain lion yet and, since they haven’t eaten in three hours, they decide it’s time to go foraging for food lest their privileged asses have to *gasp* miss a meal! Oh no! Tommy D and Bobby find a group of conveniently stacked rocks that, if you squint, look like they’re kissing, and they decide that’s where the gold is.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h02m05s249

Tommy D suddenly falls into a booby trap that looks well constructed for a single miner from the nineteenth century. The rest of the gang took their Screech pills today and don’t notice that Tommy D fell in so, one after another, they each individually fall into the pit as they run towards the rocks. Seriously, Brian had five opportunities to realize something was wrong and he still falls in.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h02m19s143

Meanwhile, Clint is about to be killed by western cliche number 5,145, a rattle snake that hates psuedo bullies. vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h02m25s199

Screech rides up at that moment on…a bicycle. He believed the gang was in trouble and his solution was to ride in on a bicycle. God, does this episode not run out of stupid things to do? Of course it doesn’t, because Screech decides the best thing to do is put the rattle snake to sleep with his harmonica. Clint is all, “That’s an idiotic idea that’s going to get us killed,” but Screech swears he knows what to do because…plot.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h03m26s42

Th rattle snake is all, “This entire episode is fucking bull shit!” and goes to sleep so that maybe the cameras will stop focusing on him. Clint feels sorry for being a mild jerk to Screech. They kiss and make up and ride off to help the gang.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h04m45s19

Screech and Clint quickly find the gang and use a conveniently placed rope that no one else noticed was there before to help the gang out of the trap.vlcsnap-2014-10-13-12h05m11s70Luckily Mr. Belding and Uncle Lester just happen to find the exact spot they’re in at that very moment since Screech didn’t think about how he was going to get them all back to the ranch. Uncle Lester’s all, “You’re all idiots! There’s no gold here.” Screech is everyone’s hero because he can ride a bicycle and charm rattle snakes and our episode ends with Screech having a puffed up ego.

I know I said I couldn’t imagine there would be anything worse than the Palisades Hills Country Club episodes and I figured The New Class would eventually prove me wrong, but I didn’t think they would prove me wrong in just two episodes…

Firsts: Gold Canyon Ranch.


Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 7: “Check Your Mate”

The opening credits for this one are strange. The pictures from the season two opening are used, but the music is from the seasons three and four openings. I’m not sure what to think about it. If anyone can shed mystery on this, please do let me know. This is definitely a third season episode as Zack Morris and Kelly are broken up and Kelly works at The Max.

You know, when I was thinking about what this show was missing, my very first thought was that they need an episode about chess. Not only that, they need an episode about chess that makes the game out to be this intensely popular sport that schools rally around. I get the writers are probably trying to be funny here, but this episode…


And I’m utterly shocked that the writers remembered the radio station. With that said, Zack Morris and Jessie are at the chess game…reporting on it? I don’t know. Anyway, it’s “St. Murray’s,” which is a new school in this universe for me, verses Bayside. Mullet Head beats The Plaid Avenger, but it doesn’t matter because we don’t see these two the rest of the episode.

Oh, look, the writers brought back another forgotten relic: Violet! Yeah, the spiel here is that Screech is the star of the school chess team. He hasn’t lost a game since Violet gave him his lucky beret because it’s blessed with magical powers of contrivance. Screech is up next and Violet tells him to do his best impression of a man with the physique of a twelve year old having a stroke.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h54m19s95

Yeah, remember all those times two members of the cheerleading squad came to cheer on a chess game? Actually, that might be bad. Doesn’t chess require a lot of concentration?

I am actually impressed. The writers seemed to have read enough about chess before pumping out the script that they knew the actual name of a chess move, the Latvian gambit. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize that this is a pretty tricky opening.

But never mind! This is Saved by the Bell, where it’s possible for Screech to win in like six moves! This means Screech is going to the championship game. I bet you’ll never guess what school he’ll be playing in the championship. It’s the toughest thing to figure out. I never saw it coming. Can you guess what school Screech is going to play?

If you said Hogwarts, the answer is: I wish. That would probably make for a more interesting episode. No, it’s the stock rival for Bayside, Valley.

Suddenly Screech is the hottest thing at Bayside because everyone loves chess players, and Zack Morris smells the possibility of manipulation in the water.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h55m34s79 Yeah, the plan is to sell Screech t-shirts and pinch his cheeks like a deformed baby. Of course, since everyone loves Screech, they buy whatever cheap merchandise Zack Morris magically created using his homemade screen printer.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h57m05s233

Meet Vinnie and “Guy Guy,” two more examples of men well into their twenties attending Valley. They’re here to flaunt their new Soviet exchange student, Peter, because the Soviet Union allowed lots of students to attend American schools, and Zack Morris and Slater bet them $100 that Screech will beat whoever they send against him. Seriously, why did he have to be Russian? It’s obvious the actor isn’t Russian by his horrible approximation of a Russian accent. Sorry, Saved by the Bell, despite what stereotypes may tell you, not all Russians are good at chess.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h57m29s204 Screech is impressed because Peter instantly names off the “Spassky Bishop Block” off as a possible defense against a hypothetical chess move. Turns out Peter is Boris Spassky’s nephew, and Screech says Spassky practically invented chess. Let’s dissect this nonsensical exchange. Borris Spassky was a famous Soviet chess player, winning the world championship several times but famously losing to Bobby Fischer. The Spassky Bishop Block is completely made up, though, so the writers just lost every point I gave them earlier for research. Also, considering the fact that chess has been around since at least the thirteenth century, I doubt Spassky had much to do with its invention considering this was about 700 years before his birth. Screech is just a moron and the writers don’t know how to use an encyclopedia. Also, despite what Peter says, Borris Spassky’s wife is named Marina, not Sophia. Jesus Christ, people, research your damned scripts!

All this fake chess talk intimidates Screech, but Zack Morris, Slater, and Violet convince him that writing cliches confirm he will win at the end of the episode. With a streak of confidence, Screech raises the bet to $300. How can he do that if he wasn’t a party to the bet in the first place?
vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h59m07s164 Oh, look. A ridiculous, unneeded scene that contributes nothing to the plot except proving the writers either don’t know anything about chess or they just don’t understand when a gag is funny or not. Yes, they are doing finger exercises. Yes, it’s not at all funny.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-20h59m54s127 Yes, people are now paying Zack Morris and Slater for pictures of themselves with Screech. What are they going to use it for? To prove to their significant others they’re not as ugly as they seem?vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h00m17s102

In walks Allison Fox from “ChessBoy” magazine. Zack Morris immediately gets a stiffy in his blue jeans for her, but she only has eyes for Screech because she wants him for this bizarre porno for chess people. Um…yeah…

Allison practically puts her hands in Screech’s pants to wank him but Screech doesn’t recognize when a girl is hitting on him because he’s a dumb ass. Allison asks him to lunch at The Max and the gang is all, “Tori Spelling gonna whoop some ass!”

After the bell rings, Allison calls Vinnie to conveniently exposit that she’s parts of a plan to break up Screech and Violet so that Screech will be depressed and lose. The oddest part of this scene is that it’s revealed that Allison’s real voice sounds like Shirley Temple if she swallowed a chipmunk. She’s been talking normal up to this point and the writers suddenly gave her a fake voice. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h03m06s230

At The Max, Violet immediately sees that Allison is flirting with Screech, but Violet doesn’t seem to realize that her boyfriend is a complete idiot and doesn’t realize this. Screech lets Allison wear his beret and Allison wants Screech to be the centerfold for ChessBoy since they apparently deal in child porn.. Unfortunately, we will later see parts of Dustin Diamond nobody ever wanted to see and we saw why no self-respecting porno ever actually wanted him in it. The last straw is when Allison invites Screech to the “ChessBoy mansion” to swim in the pawn shaped swimming pool, and he breaks off a date with Violet to go. Violet storms off while Allison tries to steal the beret. Unfortunately for her, Zack Morris still has a boner for her and stops her before she can get away with the beret.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h05m14s253The girls go to check on Violet.

I think she’s taking it well that her boyfriend is a dumb ass. The girls convince her that she’s just dating the dumbest man on Earth and she goes to find him.

Violet finds Screech but is disturbed when he takes his pants down to ask her if she likes what she sees. She storms off again.

Mr. Belding likes it, though! The audience lose their shit that Screech takes down his pants because they have low standards like Violet. Zack Morris and Slater come along and inform Screech that, in the roughly twenty minutes since that scene at The Max, Allison has managed to steal his beret, make it back to Valley, take a picture of Vinnie, who seems to be her boyfriend, and herself with the beret, and send the picture with a ransom note. It all makes sense now! Allison is The Flash! vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h08m30s158

Back at The Max, Screech put his pants back on but is depressed and drowning his sorrows in milkshakes. Whoa, Saved by the Bell, you’re getting edgy there! Zack Morris and Screech give him a new beret that looks exactly like the old and he assumes they murdered Vinnie and Allison and took it back. After Screech leaves, they start selling additional berets, because everyone in this episode wants to be just like Screech and grow up to do six seasons of The New Class and a really bad porno.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h09m47s165

Screech finds Violet to tell her what he found out about Allison but Violet is all, “I’m tired of dating a dumb ass who’s oblivious to everything around him. We’re through! By the way, your beret is a knockoff because I put my initials in the real one to find out just how stupid you are!”vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h11m27s149

At the championship game, Zack Morris and Slater kidnap Peter and take his clothes off him. Slater wants to take advantage of the situation, but there’s no time.vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h12m12s86

It turns out that Peter was wearing the magic clothes from Back to the Future II that shrink to your size. He just happened to have a wig identical to the one Peter is wearing and so, now that he’s done with his felony, he’s off to throw the game.

Zack Morris proves he’s really bad at throwing the game and just resigns the game so Screech can win.

Just then, Peter manages to get out from his confinement despite the fact his hands and legs are tied. Zack Morris is unwigged and tells Mr. Belding the truth about everything. Mr. Belding is about to disqualify both schools but Slater assures him Screech and Peter knew nothing about the bet. Uh, actually they did. Remember when Screech upped the bet and Peter was standing right there listening?

Since the episode needs to end, Mr. Belding agrees to let them play as long as Zack Morris calls off the bet.

Screech is still depressed and thinks he has nothing, but Violet comes out and conveniently tells him that she did some thinking off camera and realized she will always love him, unless her father gets her a job on a better show and she’s never seen in this franchise again. With a minute left in the episode, Screech wins the game.
vlcsnap-2014-10-12-21h16m47s11And our episode closes with Zack Morris revealing the hottest new product no one asked for: Screechios, which are guaranteed to make you annoying as fuck and get you jobs on horrible derivative shows that should never have been made.

God, this episode was stupid.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 15: “A Perfect Lindsay”

I don’t know if this makes me an evil person or not, but I’ve been looking forward to this episode for a while. This is The New Class‘s answer to “Jessie’s Song.” This is their first venture into very special episode territory. The only question here is how much they’re going to royally fuck it up.

We open in the gym where Mr. Belding is, once again, using a school assembly to give random announcements because…plot. Screech jumps in and tells everyone that Club Jam, which is apparently the hottest dance show on television, is going to hold their annual dance contest at Bayside because…plot? I don’t know. We’re only two minutes in and nothing makes sense. Mr. Belding is initially resistant to the idea until he finds out he gets to be a judge.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h15m05s224Meanwhile Megan is so excited she may be launched into orbit.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h16m14s177

Brian wants Rachel to be his dance partner. Rachel is initially resistant because she promised David she wouldn’t date any other guys while he’s gone, but Brian convinces Rachel his interest is strictly professional. Keep this in mind because this little bit of dialogue is going to bite them in the ass in a few weeks and make the timeline of the country club episodes completely incomprehensible. vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h16m48s23

Lindsay tells Tommy D she wants to look good for the contest so she’s cutting back on food. Tommy D is all, “That’s awesome because that means we can get to fucking faster rather than doing stupid stuff on our dates like eat.” Seriously, did they put Lindsay in this shirt just to emphasize how fucked up in the head she is to think she’s fat?


Bobby is about to ask Megan to be his partner since she’s the only member of the gang not paired up at this point, but Kent and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat here swoops in and asks her first. Seriously, he literally pushes Bobby out of the way to ask Megan and she still says yes. What a bitch!vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h17m49s108

It’s probably a good thing that Megan hooked up with Kent, though, because the only dance move Bobby seems to know is the Carlton. Rachel thinks that, as long as Megan and Kent are partners, no one else stands a chance. Brian doesn’t want to be cock blocked so he arranges for Bobby to help him in a scheme to break them up.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h19m38s162

Their plan: show Bobby giving Mr. Belding a watch and convince Kent that Bobby is bribing Mr. Belding to win the contest. Since everyone at Bayside is a complete moron, Kent completely buys the story. Also, Screech convinces Mr. Belding to make him a judge.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h20m26s149

At The Max, Screech horrifies everyone by showing how well he can do The Carlton. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air must be the most popular show in the Saved by the Bell universe. Screech tries to lift Lindsay in the air for a “dance” move but comments she’s heavier than he thought. Since Lindsay’s looking for confirmation of her weight problem, she’s willing to believe Los Angeles’s stupidest educator.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m01s81

At Megan’s house, Rachel dresses as a ’50s era prostitute that can’t act. Lindsay thinks Rachel looks so thin and Rachel makes the remark that the camera adds eighty pounds. Of course, this leads into a fantasy sequence.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m25s66

Why do so many people imagine Screech in their inner thoughts? This should be like a sign of psychosis. I don’t think Lindsay has an eating disorder. I think she’s clinically insane.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m38s188

Yeah Lindsay’s dressed like Roseanne Barr complete with toilet paper stuck in her clothes to make her look fat. Unfortunately, the effect doesn’t really take since her face is the same size.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h22m48s40

The rest of the gang stands off to the side making fun of Lindsay’s size because apparently Lindsay thinks all of her friends are total assholes.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h23m44s90

Between seeing Screech in her inner thoughts and imagining what she would look like as a Richard Simmons model, Lindsay subtly throws away her pizza while the others aren’t looking. Uh oh! Here comes very special episode territory, except the music for a very special episode on The New Class seems to be a whimsical guitar being plucked. Seriously, you couldn’t come up with better music to fit the mood the script is trying to set?

The next day, Lindsay is still obsessing. Rachel tells Brian she thinks something is wrong with Lindsay, but Brian’s all, “Lindsay’s issues have nothing to do with me sticking my love stick in your vagina so I don’t care!”vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h24m53s6

I really need to number these subplots to keep up with them. In subplot 545, Kent tries to bribe Mr. Belding with Lakers tickets. Mr. Belding is ready to bring some whoop ass out on Kent but settles for a week’s detention instead. Megan tells him that she won’t compete with someone who would bribe their idiot principal and storms out.

Screech dances like a monkey in the hallway because this will somehow help Megan pick a new dance partner. Megan tells Screech to fuck off back to whatever insane asylum he broke out of just as Brian and Bobby come down the stairs. Bobby lies to Megan and tells her he’s a kick ass dancer so Megan tells him she’ll settle for him. vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h27m05s47

I don’t know what Bobby was worried about. Megan knows how to do the Carlton too! Bobby one ups her in the bad dancing department and admits he’s not a good dancer. Bobby lays a guilt trip on her to make the audience go, “Awwwww!” Megan responds to their sadness by offering to teach Bobby how to dance. After all, if he could learn karate from hot dog condiments, he should be able to learn to dance in time for the contest.

Lindsay, meanwhile, is exercising in the gym, which seems to concern Tommy D more than her lack of eating. Seriously.

At The Max, Megan suddenly turns into a narrator for a PSA on anorexia. It’s as if she’s reading from a script that was copy and pasted from the journal of the American Medical Association. Lindsay comes in and, when the others express concern that she refuses to eat, she storms out and tells Tommy D she’ll find another dance partner. Wait, since when can Tommy D dance? In season one he was supposed to be this macho rebel. Now he’s a jock, a singer, and a dancer? How many more new traits can we put on him?vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h31m16s7

The writers decided that, since they still had Kent’s actor just sitting around, they might as well use him for one more scene. Lindsay tells Tommy D that Kent is her new dance partner because Kent doesn’t care if she starves herself to death. Also, Mr. Belding gives Brian a week’s detention for proving that Kent is a dumb ass.

Meet DJ Katrina, the host of Club Jamvlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h32m33s252

The cameras come on and Screech immediately freezes up despite the fact this isn’t the first time he’s been on television. The writers just needed an excuse to play out this ridiculous, unfunny gag.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h32m47s137

You can tell this show is hip and funky because none of the camera operates can hold the camera straight. Also, DJ Katrina says to get the contest started, but lots of extras suddenly storm the dance floor. Do the writers of this show even know what a dance contest would look like? Here’s a clue: it doesn’t look like a gay club on a Saturday night!

During a commercial break, DJ Katrina tells Brian and Rachel they’re up next. Lindsay tells Kent she needs a minute and she walks out holding her head, but not before telling Tommy D to go fuck himself. Tommy D asks Brian to talk to her because a guy she’s barely had interaction with this season is the perfect person for an intervention. Brian’s scared how this will affect his vagina pursuit, but Tommy D talks him into it.

Brian and Tommy D find Lindsay in a classroom with her head on the desk, and I swear that this is the funniest scene of The New Class I’ve seen to date. The combination of the ridiculousness of Lindsay suddenly becoming anorexic in a few days, Natalia Cigliuti and Christian Oliver’s horrible acting, and a script that seems to trivialize treatment for a serious disease lead me to laugh at this almost as much as the scene in “Jessie’s Song” with Zack Morris and Jessie.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h34m31s163 Lindsay blacks out and instantly realizes that she has a problem because that’s how eating disorders work: you instantly believe when everyone else tells you that you might have an issue. Once I stopped laughing at how horrible this scene is, I couldn’t help but be a little pissed off at their casual treatment of a very serious subject. I mean, people have died from complications due to anorexia and they’re acting like it’s something you just snap out of. Fuck The New Class. Fuck them with a baseball bat.

The problem is this episode is not trying to do something very serious, which is not in and of itself a bad thing. The fact that there’s a million subplots thrown in, though, means they barely have time to fit Lindsay’s main plot in, and what we get is so superficial that they might as well not have made this episode at all. I mean Lindsay’s anorexia plot could have easily been completely cut and the episode would have just felt like a rip-off of “Dancing to the Max.” This show has the most incompetent writers I think I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve watched shows as bad as Full House and Suite Life on Deck.vlcsnap-2014-10-10-21h36m37s118So with Lindsay and Brian gone, there’s only one couple left in the contest despite the fact we earlier saw several other couples waiting. Bobby and Megan are the only regulars left, though, so they win the contest by default after Bobby proves he’s a genius at learning new things in short amounts of time. Lindsay apologizes to everyone for not believing them, and we close with the worst actors on television going off to get Lindsay some food, because that’s all she needs to get over her anorexia.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 6: “Fourth of July”

vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h32m39s43 We open with Mr. Carosi and his man boobs looking very cross. I don’t know why he looks so angry but he tells us it’s time for the annual Fourth of July celebration at Malibu Sands. There will be staff verses member games, the Miss Liberty pageant, and the fireworks ball. Slater is in charge of the games since he needs something to do and Zack Morris is in charge of the pageant. Kelly decides to sign up because the prize is a $500 savings bond and that could feed her ever increasing siblings for a few days.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h33m46s227

Zack Morris offers a date with himself as a prize if these random extras sign up for the pageant. Since Zack Morris has magical Casanova powers, they automatically do exactly what he says. Stacey isn’t so easy to convince, though, since she has a brain. Zack Morris is charming, though, and threatens to take her mind away from her.

Slater sets up for the obstacle course on the beach while Lisa criticizes him. Turns out they’re competing against each other in the obstacle course so they trash talk one another. Then Screech walks up, wanting to give them both a run for their money and…

Sweet merciful Jesus Screech has the physique of a twelve year old. Since Screech is now delusional as well as a dumb ass, he believes he has a muscular physique. He promptly runs into a tube, gets stuck, and rolls the tube down into the ocean. Good God, I just want to smack the shit out of him.

Zack Morris finally convinces Stacey to sign up for the pageant. She has to leave, though, when they get a notice that the Coast Guard rescued Screech. No! Tell them to throw him back in! Damn it, Screech, this is why my taxes are so high!

Mr. Carosi, overhearing Stacey, disqualifies himself as a judge and then appoints Zack Morris as his replacement judge. Wouldn’t Zack Morris being friends with four of the judges be a conflict of interest in itself? Apparently not because plot.

This, of course, sets off Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa all trying to guilt trip Zack Morris into voting for them. 

Mr. Carosi would rather blackmail Zack Morris into voting for Stacey. He suddenly realizes that someone’s going to be pissed at him.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h39m04s67

In the employee lounge, Stacey comes out dressed…in whatever the hell this is. Seriously, it looks like she’s dressed as a Fourth of July candy cane. Could the costume department not afford anything better for her? Zack Morris senses an opportunity to get laid and lays it on thick for Stacey.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h40m37s223

They prepare to kiss when Slater walks up and reminds Zack Morris with a glare who he really belongs to. Oh, Slater, don’t be jealous. You can always go for Screech. Zack Morris kicks Slater out before he asks Stacey to go to the dance with him.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h41m44s138

It’s time for the Fourth of July celebration and we get…this. The hell? The costume department couldn’t afford a decent dress for Stacey but they can afford period dress? Where are the priorities in this episode.

Screech is supposed to be dressed as Uncle Sam, but, instead, he dresses like a hobo and says that this is how his Uncle Sam dresses because Screech’s dumbassery hasn’t quite reached epic proportions yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h43m20s79

First up is the obstacle course. Predictably, Lisa kicks Slater’s ass. Slater feels emasculated because OH MY GOD! A GIRL IS ATHLETIC! THIS IS UNHEARD OF!vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h44m24s203 The next event is blindfolded cornholing…oh right, it’s actually the wheelbarrow. It only looks like Mr. Carosi wants to get it on with this guy. And why is Mr. Carosi playing with the members anyway? Isn’t he staff. God, as stupid as The New Class is, at least they got the detail right about Mr. Belding being a member of staff at the country club!vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h44m37s73

But, yeah. They start the race, Dumbass goes off into the crowd, and Mr. Carosi cheats by knocking down Jessie and Kelly.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h45m15s179

Next up is tug-o-war and Lisa is all wet because girls shouldn’t be able to participate in sports! Lisa pulls Slater into the water for no reason. Slater finds being emasculated so sexy he asks Lisa to the dance. Wait…he and Jessie suddenly aren’t dating anymroe? I’m confused! He’s still dating her in the school episodes! What the hell, Saved by the Bell!vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h46m39s250

Now for the pageant and I bet you can’t possibly guess who the four finalists are. Why, it’s Fourth of July Candy Cane, Police Woman Stripper, Curly Haired Statue of LIberty, and the Swiss Miss Girl!

So the contest comes down to speeches about what the Fourth of July means to them. Here’s the breakdown:

Lisa: <insert superficial comment about shopping here>
Jessie: Feminism! Liberty and justice for all! White people off Zack Morris’s ancestors’ land!
Stacey: Yay, togetherness!
Kelly: Yay, quasi-intellectual speech about freedom!

The vote is tied between Stacey and Kelly, so the deciding vote is Zack Morris’s. He votes for Kelly


He votes for Kelly, who’s instantly turned into the court jester. What I want to know is why this voting isn’t secret. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?

Dumbass comes up and tells Stacey all about how Zack Morris and Kelly dated and how she dumped him and she wanted him back because Screech is a complete and utter moron who can’t tell from simple body language that his speech is completely inappropriate. It does produce one of the funniest scenes in Saved by the Bell history though.

Oh my god that’s amazing! I don’t care what the hell else Stacey does in the remaining Malibu Sands episodes. She’s now officially the most amazing character on this show because she tried to do what the other characters should have done long ago: kill Screech. Seriously, I could watch this all day!

Stacey, jealous at Zack Morris and Kelly, breaks off their date. Mr. Carosi then fires Zack Morris for being fair because he’s never heard of unfair discharge.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h51m37s185

At the pageant, Screech quotes a song by The Police all about how the singer is stalking a girl. Screech intends it to be a creepy line about watching him on a date with Lisa, but it actually sounds like Screech is stalking Slater. God, stupid out of context songs putting horrible visions in my head.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h52m24s144

Stacey confronts Kelly about winning the pageant, apparently believing Dumbass’s story that Zack Morris wants her back. Kelly is all, “He doesn’t want me back. I was a horrible bitch to him and dumped him for a college guy so I could get some nice statutory rape action. Then I made him feel guilty for having feelings. Don’t worry. He’s ready for your raging vagina now.” Stacey feels like an idiot for having believed the dumbest character on this show and goes to find Zack Morris.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h53m05s43

She finds her father deep in negotiations with one of the judges who he bribed. Stacey doesn’t find this odd and asks her father where Zack Morris is. Mr. Carosi tells her that he fired Zack Morris since he didn’t vote for her when he was told to. No, seriously, I’m not making that up. He just lets it all out like that. Stacey tells her father he’s a pathetic moron and goes out to find Zack Morris.

By Saved by the Bell standards, this is some pretty freaking amazing cinematography. Why don’t they do this more often? Oh, yeah, they pay for as little as they have to. Stacey tells Zack Morris she was an idiot for believing Screech. They make up and go back to the dance.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h55m23s139

For some reason, Kelly went to the dance with Screech, who openly says he’s using Kelly to make Lisa jealous. Screech proceeds to creepily grope Kelly and Lisa is all, “I would murder you if you did that to me!”vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h56m00s246

Zack Morris and Stacey come in. Stacey tells Mr. Carosi that she rehired Zack Morris so he wouldn’t sue him for unfair dismissal. Wow! A writer in the Saved by the Bell universe knows this exists! Mr. Carosi backs down and realizes he’s not going to be rid of Zack Morris until this arc is over.

Malibu Sands blows up in pretty colored lights.vlcsnap-2014-10-09-21h57m02s101And Stacey takes the plunge into becoming the latest girl to inexplicably fall for Zack Morris, the Fonzie of the ’90s. All he needs now is a leather jacket, a motorcycle, and a red-headed side kick and his get up will be complete.

FirstsZack Morris and Stacey date.


The New Class Season 2, Episode 14: “Farewell Dance”

Oh, thank the gods! It’s the final time I have to review one of these idiotic Palisades Hills Country Club episodes! It’s the final time we have to see the worst arc to ever hit the Saved by the Bell universe. I can’t imagine anything can be worse than this, not even the Tori episodes. Of course, The New Class still has five more seasons to prove me wrong.


We open with Mr. Belding giving the final employee briefing of the summer to the seven employees who matter. The rest are relegated to looking at his bald spot. It’s a good thing he’s not a director like this Don Barnhart person or we may have to say he doesn’t have a fucking clue how to stage people.

The writers decided that, despite the fact Brian and Rachel were major figures during this stupid arc, they’ll be relegated to a minor subplot this episode where Rachel cries every time she realizes it’s the end of the summer since she knows Brian is that much closer to departing the show. Tommy D and Lindsay have nothing to do as usual. Bobby wants to take a hot ass rich girl named Michelle to the farewell formal on Friday, which occurs because a country club full of retirees in Los Angeles is only open during the summer. Megan is depressed that she didn’t get her own love arc this summer.

And Screech is sad because his actor doesn’t know how to emote.vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h22m03s69
Meanwhile, the writers decided to give Alison one character trait not involving her father or Screech. She’s a pianist, and apparently a gifted one despite this never being mentioned before. She’s in the process of writing a song for Screech and, though she’s disappointed she didn’t make it into Julliard, is excited to be going to UCLA so she can be close to Screech and hopefully make it into the opening credits some day. Mr. Harrington comes in and drags Alison away before the writers run out of ideas for her one character trait.vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h23m57s196

Lindsay and Rachel encourage Megan to go after this guy who’s obviously in his thirties. They think they did good until Megan comes back and reports…he’s in his thirties. Well, no shit Sherlock! I do think this is a first: age is acknowledged rather than simply encouraging statutory rape.

Bobby poses a hypothetical to Michelle about what would happen if an employee asked a member to the formal. She’s all, “He would be tarred and feathered and sent to live in Screech’s closet with the bodies of Scott, Weasel, and Vicki.” Tommy D and Brian come up and tell Bobby that Michelle only goes for guys who can be her sugar daddy. Brian decides it’s time to convince Michelle she can potentially mooch off Bobby.

Tommy D and Brian find Michelle by the pool and convince her that Bobby’s really rich and his father just wants him to work at the country club for the summer so he can encounter all the little people. Michelle suddenly gets a twinkle in her eye as her gold digger sense peaks to maximum.


Screech is busy scrubbing his shark “behind the ears” (because sharks totally have ears) when Alison comes up to tell him the good news: she’s been accepted to Julliard so she doesn’t have to be on this shitty show anymore. She leaves in one week because the acceptance letter magically came with a plane ticket and accommodation.

Screech drowns his sorrows in milk shakes thus showing why one day he’ll appear on Celebrity Fit Club and not Intervention. After all, alcohol is evil in this universe and, besides, Dustin Diamond is probably like 16 during this season.


Mr. Harrington doesn’t want to lose his strange near-incestuous relationship with Alison so he hatches a plan to convince Screech to go to New York to be with Alison. He tells Screech that he went to China to be with his wife while she was studying and supported himself by stuffing fortune cookies, counting rice, driving rickshaws, and other racist Asian stereotypes. The idea is that Alison won’t want Screech to give up his Cal U degree that I’m still not sure how he’s earning it, and Screech thinks this is a bang up idea as there’s a shortage of rickshaw drivers in New York.

Michelle asks Bobby if it’s true he’s rich and Bobby is all, “It is if it means I can stick my penis in you!” Michelle tells Bobby she suddenly finds him attractive now that he can tell such unconvincing lies and asks him to the formal.

Screech tells Alison he’s moving to New York to be with her. She asks him where he will live and work and Screech tells her he’s sure there’s lots of work for a college dropout whose skills include annoying the shit out of people and being mistaken for an alien.

Megan doesn’t want to go to the formal because she doesn’t have a date but Mr. Belding tells her she has to because she’s the employee of the summer. Megan is like, “Oh well, guess I’ll just ask Bobby since there’s no way his subplot is going anywhere.”vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h30m30s16

Bobby walks up at that moment with Michelle and Megan is all, “God, I am a loser if even Bobby has a date!”vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h31m35s164Screech, meanwhile, searches the New York Extra for a job but finds there’s very little available for a former child actor with no skills. He decides he’ll be a street performer and “play his leg” because lots of people in New York want to pay to see…that…

Bobby lays the bull shit on even thicker for Michelle and Lindsay rolls her eyes at his idiocy.

Alison finds Screech “preparing his scooter” for New York and tells him she’s decided not to go to New York so they can be together and won’t have to live in the projects while they raise their deformed three headed children.

Rachel continues crying over the end of the summer and Lindsay tells Bobby he’s full of shit for how much he’s laying it on with Michelle. Rachel tells him Megan doesn’t have a date to the formal and Bobby suddenly feels bad that he wasn’t around to be her backup plan.

Screech finds Mr. Belding to ask advice about Alison and his sage wisdom is, “Sometimes you have to give up something you want for the person you love,” and Screech realizes what he has to do: find Zack Morris and convince him to leave Kelly and move to West Hollywood.

Bobby tells Michelle the truth about himself and Michelle’s all, “If you’re poor again I’m not going to the formal with you.” Bobby’s all, “You’re a snob for being pissed off that I lied to you,” and Michelle storms off. Megan comes up to comfort Bobby and Bobby asks Megan to the formal because it may be his last chance on the show to get it on with her.

At the formal, Tommy D’s an idiot so he doesn’t know the difference between a bow tie and a cumberbun. Screech is bummed out as he dances with Alison. She tells him she finished his song and all the regulars and extras gravitate towards them at the piano as if it had been planned by the grace of bad direction. Screech tells Alison he needs to talk to her alone.


Mr. Belding announces Megan as the employee of the summer and Megan gets her big ass trophy and says she’s going to share it with Bobby.vlcsnap-2014-10-03-21h39m07s72We get one more opportunity to see Rachel cry over the end of the summer and Brian starts crying with her when he realizes it’s the last summer he’ll be on this stupid show.

Screech tells Alison to go to New York without him and promises to visit her at Christmas time unless the writers forget she ever existed. We close the episode, and this long, tedious arc with one last dance for Screech and Alison as Screech goes back to eternal bachelorhood and his first love, Rosey Palm.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 5: “The Surgery”

It took me the longest to figure out where the hell this episode was on the DVDs. Thanks to another inexplicable Lionsgate fuck up, this is known on the DVDs as “Operation Zack.” I trust IMDB more than Lionsgate so I’m keeping their episode title.


We open at The Max where Zack Morris is doing a take-home Algebra test. Since Google hasn’t been invented yet, he’s struggling because he’s Zack Morris and he don’t need no education. Slater, Jessie, and Kelly come in tell Zack Morris to get his ass in gear because he’s suddenly the captain of the basketball team and the basketball rally starts in a few minutes.

Instead, Zack Morris wants to send Screech in shorty shorts and a wig worse than William Shatner’s. Actually, considering some of the dumb ass shit Mr. Belding has fallen for, this might work.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h22m38s177

Meanwhile, Lisa can’t go to the rally because her mother is making her volunteer as a candy striper at the hospital. I’m not sure who’s worse here: Lisa’s mother for disregarding the after school activities her daughter has already committed to or Lisa for being a selfish snob who doesn’t want to do squat for others.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h23m35s235

Suddenly, we’ve skipped the rally and gone directly to the championship game. Oh, the coach is little and it’s funny!vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h25m04s90

Mr. Belding seizes the opportunity and tries to kill Zack Morris. Instead, he gives him a mild flesh wound. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h25m27s63

So, let’s say, just for the hell of it, you just injured yourself at school. Who would you rather have there: your parents or the man who injured you along with the most incompetent person in the history of everything? Well, Zack Morris apparently picked the latter two because, despite having a major injury, we never see his parents throughout this episode. Considering a running gag is that Screech continually physically hurts Zack Morris throughout, something tells me he’d be better off taking his chances with Dr. Nick from The Simpsons than this idiot.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h26m23s125

Mr. Belding suddenly realizes he only gets one year off from this leech for the next nine years. He doesn’t want to live.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h26m36s233

Screech tries to injure Zack Morris some more as he tries to suckle on Zack Morris’s nipple, while Lisa’s mom, who just conveniently happens to be Zack Morris’s doctor, gives the bad news to everyone except his family: he’s seriously hurt his knee and she’s keeping him overnight for observation. Boy, Dr. Turtle wouldn’t do well with HIPPA regulations, would she?

Also, Lisa bitches some more about doing shit. Bleah, bleah, bleah.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h28m43s241

And Mr. Belding suddenly realizes his life has been reduced to being berated by a guy the federal government once mistook for an alien.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h28m55s101

The gang come to see Zack Morris in the hospital and Kelly asks if there’s anything she can get for him. Zack Morris is like, “How about an ex-girlfriend who isn’t a fucking whore.” Lisa bitches some more about doing some shit and Zack Morris gets a massage from a beautiful nurse.

After the gang leaves, Dr. Turtle comes in and tells Zack Morris he’s going to need surgery because that fall in the locker room managed to tear some cartilage. Zack Morris immediately assumes that Dr. Turtle is going to try to kill him for that time he whored out Lisa.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h31m32s137

Mr. Belding, meanwhile, is…doing Zack Morris’s homework for him? You know, I’m pretty sure that he has the authority to either grant Zack Morris a medical extension on his work or else bring his work into him. This…I get they’re trying to do a running gag about Mr. Belding’s guilt over his attempted murder, but this is going nowhere fast.

The gang come in and basically recap everything we just found out about the surgery. Then they go to see him and Kelly tells him they all love him. Zack Morris is like, “I didn’t recall asking for a whore sandwich!”


And Screech tries to kill Zack Morris.

After they leave, Zack Morris falls asleep and has a fantasy sequence where Dr. Turtle successfully pulled off the perfect crime.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h34m09s183

In this reality, everyone in Heaven looks like Screech. I think that’s reason enough to be an atheist. Zack Morris asks to see his friends one last time and, since it is a dream, he gets his wish.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h34m59s157

In memory of Zack Morris. He was the best douche.

So Zack Morris is apparently being buried in his locker because…it’s where he keeps his stalking photos of Kelly?vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h35m20s92

Mr. Belding leads the funeral procession of extras to all cry over Zack Morris.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h36m37s120

Kelly and Lisa do a death cheer for Zack Morris. I was kind of hoping it would be the classic, “B to the B, the B, B, B, B!”vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h38m16s85

Oh my god! This is truly a nightmare! There’s two of them now! This is what I get for getting an episode of The New Class without Screech! Now there are two abominations in the world!

Zack Morris wakes up and decides the only way he can keep the world from having two Screeches is to not die, and to not die he can’t let Dr. Turtle kill him.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h39m18s162

Zack Morris’s master plan is to sneak out dressed as a surgeon and, for a guy with a bum leg, he sure does get around well. It’s too bad the staff of this hospital are apparently morons because this nurse believes Zack Morris is really a doctor and that he’s off to remove a guy’s neck.

Welcome to the creepy corner, where this nurse wants to commit statutory rape with our hero. Seriously, what is it with this franchise and placing minors in molestory situations? Are there no statutory rape laws in the Saved by the Bell universe.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h40m19s27

And it must have been good for her because Zack Morris comes out with horribly drawn on lips all over his surgical mask. She didn’t even bother to take his mask off before she molested him?

A surgical bed comes down the hall and runs into Zack Morris and then Dr. Turtle catches him and foils his plan. Since she’s the only person in this hospital with any common sense, she automatically realizes this is her patient. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h41m01s191

Lisa comes in hella pissed off at Zack Morris because he tried to escape the clutches of her mother. They recount the time when they were kids and went ice skating for the first time. They pretended they were figure skaters but then Screech tried to kill them both. Lisa fell on her ass and Zack Morris twisted his ankle and this was apparently enough for them to have to go to the hospital. Meanwhile, the ice broke. Mikey and Nikki fell through and died and had to be replaced by Slater and Jessie. vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h42m50s10

Lisa comforts Zack Morris, telling him nothing’s going to go wrong during the operation. She waits about one second for him to fall asleep before she prays out loud for God to not let her mother kill her friend. Boy, what a comfort you are Lisa considering he probably wasn’t asleep yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h44m28s218

Dr. Turtle prepares to operate on Zack Morris as Lisa comes in dressed in a surgical gown. Since all hospitals let untrained personnel into surgery to be with their friends, Lisa decides to go into surgery with her mother. I used to think the writers of this show just had no idea what high school was like. They apparently don’t know anything about the real world at all since Lisa’s very presence in a delicate operation makes it more likely something will go wrong.vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h44m57s244

We cut to after the surgery and everyone signing Zack Morris’s cast. Kelly draws a dollhouse with kittens around it and a note that says, “Come home soon.” Zack Morris is all, “I would, but you dumped me for the captain from the starship Enterprise.”
vlcsnap-2014-10-02-21h45m57s79Slater gets Zack Morris a basketball goal because that’s extremely useful when he has a cast on and can’t easily retrieve the ball. Lisa learned a lesson about helping others because the script told her to so she won’t bitch about doing shit anymore. And our episode closes with Screech trying to kill Zack Morris a couple more times. Something tells me this entire episode took place entirely within the realm of Zack Morris’s paranoia that everyone is out to get him.

FirstsDr. Turtle (the female type).

The New Class Season 2, Episode 13: “Bayside Story”


We open with Bayside having some serious self-esteem issues. It seems that they need both counseling to overcome their inferiority complex and spelling lessons.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h12m08s170

Oh, our gang comes out and says they’ve been vandalized by Valley. We’re also going with the Tommy D who suddenly loves sports and he’s ready to pound their pigs.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h12m22s59

Mr. Belding thinks this is horrible and is glad no Bayside students are involved in this shit, which, of course, is Brian and Bobby’s cue to come out and reveal they painted “Go Bayside” all over Valley’s football field. Mr. Belding is hella pissed and wants to hand out spankings. He says they haven’t beat Valley since Slater graduated. Um, Mr. Beldng, I don’t think they’ve met Slater yet. Did the fumes from the paint destroy some brain cells.

For those who are fans of random trivia that complicates the timeline of this series even further, Mr. Belding tells us this episode takes place at the same time as Wedding in Las Vegas as Screech is off for a romp. I admit, I haven’t seen Wedding in Las Vegas yet but isn’t it the conclusion to The College Years? Anyway, Mr. Belding continues referencing Saved by the Bell characters, assuming that the gang has heard about the Zack Morris and Kelly super romance since they must have watched “The Aftermath” and gotten pissed off at Kelly’s whoring ways as well.

Time to go to the movies and suddenly we find out that the girls are cheerleaders again and Megan is their captain, despite the fact this hasn’t been referenced this season and, in fact, we saw pretty much the opposite scenario play out in another episode. What happened to Tara Reid? It’s too soon for her to get caught up in a sharknado!vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h14m32s65

Bobby runs in wearing the Bayside mascot costume because he couldn’t be bothered to take the thirty seconds it would require to take it off.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h15m11s207

Valley players Brick and Rock show up and, for a second, I thought we were in for another kidnapping of a teenager by a twenty-five year old. Instead, they show how tough they are by pouring Bobby’s popcorn over his head. Go Valley! Create more work for underpaid cinema workers! They walk away laughing and this hella pisses off Megan, who calls them the obscene insult of “Valley slime.”


Megan goes to get more popcorn but she quickly runs into Handsome McHandome-Face here who turns out to be Doug, our love interest for the episode. It’s love at first sight and they decide to go on a date despite the fact they both say they don’t usually go out with people they just met. Why? Do they think dating requires fucking, or is Doug just too scared to have the frank discussion about his genital warts?vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h18m31s160

At The Max, Brick, Rock, and head Valley cheerleader Heather show up to randomly taunt the gang since they apparently lead boring lives and aren’t getting any so they have to find something to do. Tommy D wants to pound them but Brian reminds him about his anger management classes. Brian calls them jerks, which seems to be a huge insult in this universe, enough that they fuck the fucking fuck off.

At the school assembly for the game, the girls do their cheer for Valley while Bobby violently destroys a stuffed Valley bulldog, but Mr. Belding isn’t happy. He says they need to be friends with Valley and develop mutual respect and understanding. The gang is all, “Mutual respect and understanding my ass! Lynch the lot of them! They’re scum of the Earth and shouldn’t be allowed to walk the same streets we do!” Mr. Belding has surprise guests, though: Valley’s Coach, Mr. Conner…

…and their captain, Doug! Wah wah wah!

Megan is all, “You didn’t tell me in the short encounter we had that you went to Valley! How could you not reveal your life story to me in that short encounter?” Coach Conner talks smack about Bayside and Mr. Belding is all, “Get the hell out of my school before I assign you to Screech fucking duty!”

Meanwhile, in the hallway, Doug comes out of his hiding place in the boy’s restroom where he was hoping to catch a glimpse of Tommy D. He tells Megan that he likes her despite the fact she goes to Bayside and still wants to go out with her. Megan tells him, “That sounds great! I’ll shed the completely irrational prejudice I had against your school just a few minutes ago because the script tells me I should!”

They have a pop kiss, and the audience loses their shit.

At The Max, Megan reveals that her date is Doug and the others are all, “You have to stop dating him right away! How could you date someone who goes to another school when we have an irrational hatred of one another!” Megan is all, “I’m still going out with Doug!” As she walks out, the others are all, “How dare Megan act rationally! She’s our Judas if she doesn’t share our prejudices!” Brian suggests, though, that they might be able to completely screw over Megan, which makes me think he has a horrible plan.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h25m05s31

At cheer leading practice, the girls do the funky chicken. Lindsay and Rachel berate Megan for having a mind of her own and walk off.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h25m43s138

Tommy D walks in with his recently retconned teammates, Meat, Hacksaw, and extra whose name doesn’t matter. Meat, who’s now sporting a goatee because he didn’t already look too old to be on this show, berates Megan for dating a guy she likes. Tommy D is all, “We can’t be friends as long as you’re not under our complete control!”

Tommy D, with Bobby and Brian’s assistance, calls Doug with a horrible impersonation of Coach Conners. They tell Doug that he has to carry his playbook with him at all times to avoid Bayside getting their hands on it, and, since everyone in the Saved by the Bell universe are easily manipulated morons, Doug naturally listens.

Apparently now only nerds can work at the movie theater because Lindsay dresses up like Claire and sends sudden-employee Milton on break. Milton, continuing the trend of everyone being an idiot, doesn’t realize he’s never met this coworker before and listens to her. Good to know this is the guy handling money for the theater.

Doug comes in and Lindsay and Tommy D, who’s in a brilliant disguise consisting of a fake goatee, convince Doug that he’s the millionth customer and this means he gets a free movie pass for a year.

They put a cape and a crown on him and Rachel comes out as “Miss Multiplex” to take photos with him. Tommy D uses the flash bulbs from Rear Window to blind Doug…vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h28m43s142

…while Brian and Bobby use a super secret spy camera to photograph all the playbook. This…has to be their most convoluted plan yet. Jesus, it’s like one of Fred’s plans to catch the Scooby-Doo monster of the week!

Megan comes in and tells Doug she can’t date him because her friends’ stupid bigotry is more important than her happiness. They argue and run off as the gang overhears and suddenly feels sympathy that they peer pressured their friend into being an idiot.

Back at Bayside, the gang continue feeling like shit and decide they need another convoluted plan to fix all the shit they did. vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h31m18s149

Milton overhears and tells Mr. Belding there’s going to be a rumble. Oh, throw away last-minute subplots!vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h31m47s183

Brian, Bobby, and Tommy D use their brilliant powers of disguise to dress as Valley students. They find Doug and reveal what they did to him and he’s all, “Egad, your fake goatee at the theater completely fooled me! A wizard you must be!” They tell him that, if he wants the photos of the playbook, he has to show up at The Max at 3:30.

Lindsay and Rachel drag Megan into The Max as Doug, Rock, Brick, and Heather walk in for the film. Tommy D gives Doug the film and they all tell Doug and Megan they were jackasses to stand in the way of this great romance that will never be mentioned on the show again.

This leads to Heather crying with Rachel and Lindsay.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h34m15s136

Brick gets some onion in his eyes as Tommy D looks on lovingly.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h34m21s189

Rock and Bobby decide they may be able to forge their own romance. Everyone is friends now until it becomes convenient for Bayside and Valley to hate each other again…say in about fourteen more episodes.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h34m29s2

Mr. Belding and Milton come in with the riot gear they stole from the SWAT team to break up the nonexistent rumble at a business Mr. Belding has no authority over.vlcsnap-2014-09-28-20h35m21s22And Megan and Doug live happily ever after despite the fact that Doug never shows up again!

Saved by the Bell Season 3 Episode 4: “The Game”


We open with…the ocean. The exact same opening shot from “Zack’s Birthday.” Because if we didn’t feature a shot of the beach, and this particular shot, you might forget this is where these episodes take place and how cheap this show just really is.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h47m45s63

Zack Morris is in love…with this car, a ’66 Mustang. He wants to make love to its hot grill since Screech dumped him for Violet. Yeah, he talked about wanting to buy a car in the last Malibu Sands episode but I pretty much dismissed that line since it would take the whole summer to save enough money to buy one.

Lisa, meanwhile, wants to use the club’s phone to call boys since her parents, both being doctors, apparently can’t afford to buy her a cell phone. Jessie goes all phone Nazi on Lisa and Lisa’s like, “Girl, I hope you do a horrible movie about strippers one day!”vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h49m11s159

The guys come in, Zack Morris apparently having stolen the “For Sale” sign from the Mustang, because that’s totally what you’re supposed to do if you want to buy something. There’s some surprisingly racy double entendres here involving the car being a hunk of junk and Screech not liking it with its top down, which Jessie and Lisa naturally interpret as the boys becoming peeping toms. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h49m47s20

Stacey finds Zack Morris and tells him he’s late and that her father is hungry and looking for him, so Zack Morris goes into the restaurant and waits on Mr. Carosi. Wait, there are other waiters in the restaurant. Why didn’t Mr. Carosi order from one of them if he was so hungry?

Mr. Carosi threatens to fire Zack Morris if he doesn’t get his breakfast fast. Yeah, it becomes ridiculous how often this guy threatens to fire Zack Morris over relatively petty things. Zack Morris’s solution? Steal some old extra’s breakfast. Since he has no lines, he doesn’t matter anyhow.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h50m19s73

Zack Morris goes to call the owner of the Mustang and somehow doesn’t hear Mr. Carosi’s cell phone ringing just a few feet away, or hear Mr. Carosi talking at the same time the guy on the phone is talking. Of note here is Zack Morris’s cell phone doesn’t look like a brick anymore. Man, giant flip phone. They’re getting progressive on this show!

Mr. Carosi wants $2,000 for the car but Zack Morris can only afford $1,500. When his flirting with Mr. Carosi doesn’t produce results, he goes off to assault the old extra again.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h52m08s141

Meet Monty, the owner of North Beach, who is here to make the “annual volleyball bet” with Mr. Carosi. Turns out North Beach has beaten Malibu Sands the last ten years in a row. The usual bet is $500 but Mr. Carosi doesn’t want to bet again. Zack Morris pulls Mr. Carosi to the side and convinces him that the gang can win the volleyball tournament, which immediately makes Mr. Carosi have a change of heart about the bet.

The gang is pissed that Zack Morris entered them by exaggerating their volleyball playing abilities to Mr. Carosi. He’s like, “Don’t worry. It’s one of my plans so it’s going to work out!” vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h54m15s131

Zack Morris blackmails Mr. Carosi into selling him the car for $1,500 or they won’t play. He’s all, “It’s a deal because the plot needs to move along even though I should tell you to go fuck yourself.”

Stacey comes out to see the gang play when Shirtless and Bright ’90s Shirt here come up and start sexually harassing her. They’re players from North Beach who want to fingerbang Stacey but she’s rather have Screech fingerbang her because…I don’t know. They don’t act particularly offensive and they are attractive. I’d think that would make them prime dating material in the Saved by the Bell universe. The gang play a single match against them and decide they’re destined to lose because Screech is an idiot and gets knocked out by the ball.

Stacey tells them they have one day to find a way to beat North Beach or she’s going to have to warn Mr. Carosi that he’s bet $500 on the word of a bunch of morons.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h56m53s173

Zack Morris is depressed and decides he needs Slater to cheer him up and help him think of a miracle. Oh, Zack Morris, you just want Slater to give you mouth to mouth, and judging by the look on Slater’s face, he wants to accommodate you.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h57m25s230

Gary here comes up searching for that hot brunette lifeguard so he can stare creepily at her. Zack Morris is all, “But I’m blonde!” According to IMDB, this episode is the only thing the guy who played Gary did in his acting career, and it’s quite obvious why. He can’t act to save his life and he makes Brian from The New Class look like a good actor. But he’s 6’10” and, since he’s really tall, Zack Morris decides he must be good at playing volleyball since all tall people can play volleyball…and basketball.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-09h57m57s48

Meanwhile, Screech is trying to get Mr. Carosi to murder him, which would have saved us all the pain of six seasons of The New Class. Meanwhile, Zack Morris comes in and introduces Gary.

At the beach, Kelly instantly falls in love with Gary because he’s tall. We then get a practicing montage involving the same shots of Gary spiking a volleyball over and over.

In the employee lounge, Kelly can’t wait to get to second base with Gary. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h01m18s250

Meanwhile, Dumbass himself comes in and drops a container of water slightly to the left of Gary’s foot. Seriously, there’s not even an attempt here to make it look like the water fell on Gary’s foot.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h02m03s205

The vibrations of the water hitting the floor are enough to break Gary’s foot, though. It’s a good thing Lisa’s mom is a doctor because she just happened to have all the materials to craft a cast on Gary’s foot just lying around.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h02m25s158

Mr. Carosi walks by and the gang try to keep him from finding out about Gary’s foot but Dumbass just comes right out and says he’s hiding Gary’s cast. Zack Morris admits that they’re not as good as he claimed and Mr. Carosi tells them they better win or they’re fired. He’s apparently never heard of wrongful termination.

Meanwhile we continue our pointless running subplot about Jessie being a slob.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h04m17s9

Lisa throws all of Jessie’s clothes out the door and they conveniently land on Zack Morris and Slater. Dumbass comes in and tells them he’s found some great replacements for Gary.

First up is preschooler Ava, whom I’m pretty sure Screech kidnapped under the pretense of giving her some candy. No, seriously, the girl asks if she can have her candy now. Screech offered her candy if she would follow him back to a strange house.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h05m22s140

Next is Ida Mae Ross, who was on the 1936 U.S. volleyball team, which is why she’s wearing a basketball uniform. She’s along for the ride since her grandchildren don’t visit her at the home.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h05m44s111

Finally is Big Pete because they had to find a way to get a stereotypical nerd joke in there. The gang decide to put Big Pete on the team because there’s no one else in the vicinity of Malibu Sands willing to endear the indignity of this episode.

Back in the employee lounge, the gang look for new jobs in anticipation of being wrongfully terminated. Kelly’s all, “Don’t give up! Motivational speech here! Zack Morris comes in with a telegram from the guys at North Beach because telegrams were how all teenagers (and Casey Kasem) communicated in the ’90s. It’s a smack talking telegram and it’s enough to motivate the gang to practice and inevitably bring this episode to its predictable close. Either that or they’re going to look for Doc Brown’s Delorean that he left buried so Marty could get home. Oh, and it turns out Zack Morris sent the telegram to motivate them.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h08m42s94

It’s time for the game an Mr. Carosi tells them they better fucking win. Big Pete drops out, though, because…plot. Stacey is all, “You idiots forgot I was in this episode and didn’t even ask if I could play volleyball.” She steps in as the final player.

And now it’s time for a volleyball game montage with bad muzak. vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h10m22s72

Screech scores the first goal for Malibu Sands, causing everyone to lose their minds and try to molest him.vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h11m38s54

Stacey cheats by flirting with one of the idiots from North Beach, allowing them to score again. There are lots more scores in between but the ultimate, inevitable result is Malibu Sands wins.
vlcsnap-2014-09-26-10h12m28s52And we close with Mr. Carosi tossing the keys to the Mustang in the air. While the others watch. This is one of those times I’d like to bet we’ll never hear about something again on this show. I imagine Zack Morris missed the keys to the mustang and they dropped in the sand, never to be found again.