We open with…the ocean. The exact same opening shot from “Zack’s Birthday.” Because if we didn’t feature a shot of the beach, and this particular shot, you might forget this is where these episodes take place and how cheap this show just really is.
Zack Morris is in love…with this car, a ’66 Mustang. He wants to make love to its hot grill since Screech dumped him for Violet. Yeah, he talked about wanting to buy a car in the last Malibu Sands episode but I pretty much dismissed that line since it would take the whole summer to save enough money to buy one.
Lisa, meanwhile, wants to use the club’s phone to call boys since her parents, both being doctors, apparently can’t afford to buy her a cell phone. Jessie goes all phone Nazi on Lisa and Lisa’s like, “Girl, I hope you do a horrible movie about strippers one day!”
The guys come in, Zack Morris apparently having stolen the “For Sale” sign from the Mustang, because that’s totally what you’re supposed to do if you want to buy something. There’s some surprisingly racy double entendres here involving the car being a hunk of junk and Screech not liking it with its top down, which Jessie and Lisa naturally interpret as the boys becoming peeping toms.
Stacey finds Zack Morris and tells him he’s late and that her father is hungry and looking for him, so Zack Morris goes into the restaurant and waits on Mr. Carosi. Wait, there are other waiters in the restaurant. Why didn’t Mr. Carosi order from one of them if he was so hungry?
Mr. Carosi threatens to fire Zack Morris if he doesn’t get his breakfast fast. Yeah, it becomes ridiculous how often this guy threatens to fire Zack Morris over relatively petty things. Zack Morris’s solution? Steal some old extra’s breakfast. Since he has no lines, he doesn’t matter anyhow.
Zack Morris goes to call the owner of the Mustang and somehow doesn’t hear Mr. Carosi’s cell phone ringing just a few feet away, or hear Mr. Carosi talking at the same time the guy on the phone is talking. Of note here is Zack Morris’s cell phone doesn’t look like a brick anymore. Man, giant flip phone. They’re getting progressive on this show!
Meet Monty, the owner of North Beach, who is here to make the “annual volleyball bet” with Mr. Carosi. Turns out North Beach has beaten Malibu Sands the last ten years in a row. The usual bet is $500 but Mr. Carosi doesn’t want to bet again. Zack Morris pulls Mr. Carosi to the side and convinces him that the gang can win the volleyball tournament, which immediately makes Mr. Carosi have a change of heart about the bet.
Zack Morris blackmails Mr. Carosi into selling him the car for $1,500 or they won’t play. He’s all, “It’s a deal because the plot needs to move along even though I should tell you to go fuck yourself.”
Stacey comes out to see the gang play when Shirtless and Bright ’90s Shirt here come up and start sexually harassing her. They’re players from North Beach who want to fingerbang Stacey but she’s rather have Screech fingerbang her because…I don’t know. They don’t act particularly offensive and they are attractive. I’d think that would make them prime dating material in the Saved by the Bell universe. The gang play a single match against them and decide they’re destined to lose because Screech is an idiot and gets knocked out by the ball.
Zack Morris is depressed and decides he needs Slater to cheer him up and help him think of a miracle. Oh, Zack Morris, you just want Slater to give you mouth to mouth, and judging by the look on Slater’s face, he wants to accommodate you.
Gary here comes up searching for that hot brunette lifeguard so he can stare creepily at her. Zack Morris is all, “But I’m blonde!” According to IMDB, this episode is the only thing the guy who played Gary did in his acting career, and it’s quite obvious why. He can’t act to save his life and he makes Brian from The New Class look like a good actor. But he’s 6’10” and, since he’s really tall, Zack Morris decides he must be good at playing volleyball since all tall people can play volleyball…and basketball.
Meanwhile, Screech is trying to get Mr. Carosi to murder him, which would have saved us all the pain of six seasons of The New Class. Meanwhile, Zack Morris comes in and introduces Gary.
At the beach, Kelly instantly falls in love with Gary because he’s tall. We then get a practicing montage involving the same shots of Gary spiking a volleyball over and over.
The vibrations of the water hitting the floor are enough to break Gary’s foot, though. It’s a good thing Lisa’s mom is a doctor because she just happened to have all the materials to craft a cast on Gary’s foot just lying around.
Mr. Carosi walks by and the gang try to keep him from finding out about Gary’s foot but Dumbass just comes right out and says he’s hiding Gary’s cast. Zack Morris admits that they’re not as good as he claimed and Mr. Carosi tells them they better win or they’re fired. He’s apparently never heard of wrongful termination.
First up is preschooler Ava, whom I’m pretty sure Screech kidnapped under the pretense of giving her some candy. No, seriously, the girl asks if she can have her candy now. Screech offered her candy if she would follow him back to a strange house.
Finally is Big Pete because they had to find a way to get a stereotypical nerd joke in there. The gang decide to put Big Pete on the team because there’s no one else in the vicinity of Malibu Sands willing to endear the indignity of this episode.
Back in the employee lounge, the gang look for new jobs in anticipation of being wrongfully terminated. Kelly’s all, “Don’t give up! Motivational speech here! Zack Morris comes in with a telegram from the guys at North Beach because telegrams were how all teenagers (and Casey Kasem) communicated in the ’90s. It’s a smack talking telegram and it’s enough to motivate the gang to practice and inevitably bring this episode to its predictable close. Either that or they’re going to look for Doc Brown’s Delorean that he left buried so Marty could get home. Oh, and it turns out Zack Morris sent the telegram to motivate them.
It’s time for the game an Mr. Carosi tells them they better fucking win. Big Pete drops out, though, because…plot. Stacey is all, “You idiots forgot I was in this episode and didn’t even ask if I could play volleyball.” She steps in as the final player.
Stacey cheats by flirting with one of the idiots from North Beach, allowing them to score again. There are lots more scores in between but the ultimate, inevitable result is Malibu Sands wins.
And we close with Mr. Carosi tossing the keys to the Mustang in the air. While the others watch. This is one of those times I’d like to bet we’ll never hear about something again on this show. I imagine Zack Morris missed the keys to the mustang and they dropped in the sand, never to be found again.