It took me the longest to figure out where the hell this episode was on the DVDs. Thanks to another inexplicable Lionsgate fuck up, this is known on the DVDs as “Operation Zack.” I trust IMDB more than Lionsgate so I’m keeping their episode title.
We open at The Max where Zack Morris is doing a take-home Algebra test. Since Google hasn’t been invented yet, he’s struggling because he’s Zack Morris and he don’t need no education. Slater, Jessie, and Kelly come in tell Zack Morris to get his ass in gear because he’s suddenly the captain of the basketball team and the basketball rally starts in a few minutes.
Meanwhile, Lisa can’t go to the rally because her mother is making her volunteer as a candy striper at the hospital. I’m not sure who’s worse here: Lisa’s mother for disregarding the after school activities her daughter has already committed to or Lisa for being a selfish snob who doesn’t want to do squat for others.
So, let’s say, just for the hell of it, you just injured yourself at school. Who would you rather have there: your parents or the man who injured you along with the most incompetent person in the history of everything? Well, Zack Morris apparently picked the latter two because, despite having a major injury, we never see his parents throughout this episode. Considering a running gag is that Screech continually physically hurts Zack Morris throughout, something tells me he’d be better off taking his chances with Dr. Nick from The Simpsons than this idiot.
Screech tries to injure Zack Morris some more as he tries to suckle on Zack Morris’s nipple, while Lisa’s mom, who just conveniently happens to be Zack Morris’s doctor, gives the bad news to everyone except his family: he’s seriously hurt his knee and she’s keeping him overnight for observation. Boy, Dr. Turtle wouldn’t do well with HIPPA regulations, would she?
The gang come to see Zack Morris in the hospital and Kelly asks if there’s anything she can get for him. Zack Morris is like, “How about an ex-girlfriend who isn’t a fucking whore.” Lisa bitches some more about doing some shit and Zack Morris gets a massage from a beautiful nurse.
After the gang leaves, Dr. Turtle comes in and tells Zack Morris he’s going to need surgery because that fall in the locker room managed to tear some cartilage. Zack Morris immediately assumes that Dr. Turtle is going to try to kill him for that time he whored out Lisa.
Mr. Belding, meanwhile, is…doing Zack Morris’s homework for him? You know, I’m pretty sure that he has the authority to either grant Zack Morris a medical extension on his work or else bring his work into him. This…I get they’re trying to do a running gag about Mr. Belding’s guilt over his attempted murder, but this is going nowhere fast.
The gang come in and basically recap everything we just found out about the surgery. Then they go to see him and Kelly tells him they all love him. Zack Morris is like, “I didn’t recall asking for a whore sandwich!”
And Screech tries to kill Zack Morris.
Oh my god! This is truly a nightmare! There’s two of them now! This is what I get for getting an episode of The New Class without Screech! Now there are two abominations in the world!
Zack Morris’s master plan is to sneak out dressed as a surgeon and, for a guy with a bum leg, he sure does get around well. It’s too bad the staff of this hospital are apparently morons because this nurse believes Zack Morris is really a doctor and that he’s off to remove a guy’s neck.
Welcome to the creepy corner, where this nurse wants to commit statutory rape with our hero. Seriously, what is it with this franchise and placing minors in molestory situations? Are there no statutory rape laws in the Saved by the Bell universe.
And it must have been good for her because Zack Morris comes out with horribly drawn on lips all over his surgical mask. She didn’t even bother to take his mask off before she molested him?
A surgical bed comes down the hall and runs into Zack Morris and then Dr. Turtle catches him and foils his plan. Since she’s the only person in this hospital with any common sense, she automatically realizes this is her patient.
Lisa comes in hella pissed off at Zack Morris because he tried to escape the clutches of her mother. They recount the time when they were kids and went ice skating for the first time. They pretended they were figure skaters but then Screech tried to kill them both. Lisa fell on her ass and Zack Morris twisted his ankle and this was apparently enough for them to have to go to the hospital. Meanwhile, the ice broke. Mikey and Nikki fell through and died and had to be replaced by Slater and Jessie.
Lisa comforts Zack Morris, telling him nothing’s going to go wrong during the operation. She waits about one second for him to fall asleep before she prays out loud for God to not let her mother kill her friend. Boy, what a comfort you are Lisa considering he probably wasn’t asleep yet.
Dr. Turtle prepares to operate on Zack Morris as Lisa comes in dressed in a surgical gown. Since all hospitals let untrained personnel into surgery to be with their friends, Lisa decides to go into surgery with her mother. I used to think the writers of this show just had no idea what high school was like. They apparently don’t know anything about the real world at all since Lisa’s very presence in a delicate operation makes it more likely something will go wrong.
We cut to after the surgery and everyone signing Zack Morris’s cast. Kelly draws a dollhouse with kittens around it and a note that says, “Come home soon.” Zack Morris is all, “I would, but you dumped me for the captain from the starship Enterprise.”
Slater gets Zack Morris a basketball goal because that’s extremely useful when he has a cast on and can’t easily retrieve the ball. Lisa learned a lesson about helping others because the script told her to so she won’t bitch about doing shit anymore. And our episode closes with Screech trying to kill Zack Morris a couple more times. Something tells me this entire episode took place entirely within the realm of Zack Morris’s paranoia that everyone is out to get him.
Firsts: Dr. Turtle (the female type).