Oh, thank the gods! It’s the final time I have to review one of these idiotic Palisades Hills Country Club episodes! It’s the final time we have to see the worst arc to ever hit the Saved by the Bell universe. I can’t imagine anything can be worse than this, not even the Tori episodes. Of course, The New Class still has five more seasons to prove me wrong.
We open with Mr. Belding giving the final employee briefing of the summer to the seven employees who matter. The rest are relegated to looking at his bald spot. It’s a good thing he’s not a director like this Don Barnhart person or we may have to say he doesn’t have a fucking clue how to stage people.
The writers decided that, despite the fact Brian and Rachel were major figures during this stupid arc, they’ll be relegated to a minor subplot this episode where Rachel cries every time she realizes it’s the end of the summer since she knows Brian is that much closer to departing the show. Tommy D and Lindsay have nothing to do as usual. Bobby wants to take a hot ass rich girl named Michelle to the farewell formal on Friday, which occurs because a country club full of retirees in Los Angeles is only open during the summer. Megan is depressed that she didn’t get her own love arc this summer.
And Screech is sad because his actor doesn’t know how to emote.
Meanwhile, the writers decided to give Alison one character trait not involving her father or Screech. She’s a pianist, and apparently a gifted one despite this never being mentioned before. She’s in the process of writing a song for Screech and, though she’s disappointed she didn’t make it into Julliard, is excited to be going to UCLA so she can be close to Screech and hopefully make it into the opening credits some day. Mr. Harrington comes in and drags Alison away before the writers run out of ideas for her one character trait.
Lindsay and Rachel encourage Megan to go after this guy who’s obviously in his thirties. They think they did good until Megan comes back and reports…he’s in his thirties. Well, no shit Sherlock! I do think this is a first: age is acknowledged rather than simply encouraging statutory rape.
Bobby poses a hypothetical to Michelle about what would happen if an employee asked a member to the formal. She’s all, “He would be tarred and feathered and sent to live in Screech’s closet with the bodies of Scott, Weasel, and Vicki.” Tommy D and Brian come up and tell Bobby that Michelle only goes for guys who can be her sugar daddy. Brian decides it’s time to convince Michelle she can potentially mooch off Bobby.
Tommy D and Brian find Michelle by the pool and convince her that Bobby’s really rich and his father just wants him to work at the country club for the summer so he can encounter all the little people. Michelle suddenly gets a twinkle in her eye as her gold digger sense peaks to maximum.
Screech is busy scrubbing his shark “behind the ears” (because sharks totally have ears) when Alison comes up to tell him the good news: she’s been accepted to Julliard so she doesn’t have to be on this shitty show anymore. She leaves in one week because the acceptance letter magically came with a plane ticket and accommodation.
Screech drowns his sorrows in milk shakes thus showing why one day he’ll appear on Celebrity Fit Club and not Intervention. After all, alcohol is evil in this universe and, besides, Dustin Diamond is probably like 16 during this season.
Mr. Harrington doesn’t want to lose his strange near-incestuous relationship with Alison so he hatches a plan to convince Screech to go to New York to be with Alison. He tells Screech that he went to China to be with his wife while she was studying and supported himself by stuffing fortune cookies, counting rice, driving rickshaws, and other racist Asian stereotypes. The idea is that Alison won’t want Screech to give up his Cal U degree that I’m still not sure how he’s earning it, and Screech thinks this is a bang up idea as there’s a shortage of rickshaw drivers in New York.
Michelle asks Bobby if it’s true he’s rich and Bobby is all, “It is if it means I can stick my penis in you!” Michelle tells Bobby she suddenly finds him attractive now that he can tell such unconvincing lies and asks him to the formal.
Screech tells Alison he’s moving to New York to be with her. She asks him where he will live and work and Screech tells her he’s sure there’s lots of work for a college dropout whose skills include annoying the shit out of people and being mistaken for an alien.
Megan doesn’t want to go to the formal because she doesn’t have a date but Mr. Belding tells her she has to because she’s the employee of the summer. Megan is like, “Oh well, guess I’ll just ask Bobby since there’s no way his subplot is going anywhere.”
Bobby walks up at that moment with Michelle and Megan is all, “God, I am a loser if even Bobby has a date!”Screech, meanwhile, searches the New York Extra for a job but finds there’s very little available for a former child actor with no skills. He decides he’ll be a street performer and “play his leg” because lots of people in New York want to pay to see…that…
Bobby lays the bull shit on even thicker for Michelle and Lindsay rolls her eyes at his idiocy.
Alison finds Screech “preparing his scooter” for New York and tells him she’s decided not to go to New York so they can be together and won’t have to live in the projects while they raise their deformed three headed children.
Rachel continues crying over the end of the summer and Lindsay tells Bobby he’s full of shit for how much he’s laying it on with Michelle. Rachel tells him Megan doesn’t have a date to the formal and Bobby suddenly feels bad that he wasn’t around to be her backup plan.
Screech finds Mr. Belding to ask advice about Alison and his sage wisdom is, “Sometimes you have to give up something you want for the person you love,” and Screech realizes what he has to do: find Zack Morris and convince him to leave Kelly and move to West Hollywood.
Bobby tells Michelle the truth about himself and Michelle’s all, “If you’re poor again I’m not going to the formal with you.” Bobby’s all, “You’re a snob for being pissed off that I lied to you,” and Michelle storms off. Megan comes up to comfort Bobby and Bobby asks Megan to the formal because it may be his last chance on the show to get it on with her.
At the formal, Tommy D’s an idiot so he doesn’t know the difference between a bow tie and a cumberbun. Screech is bummed out as he dances with Alison. She tells him she finished his song and all the regulars and extras gravitate towards them at the piano as if it had been planned by the grace of bad direction. Screech tells Alison he needs to talk to her alone.
Mr. Belding announces Megan as the employee of the summer and Megan gets her big ass trophy and says she’s going to share it with Bobby.We get one more opportunity to see Rachel cry over the end of the summer and Brian starts crying with her when he realizes it’s the last summer he’ll be on this stupid show.
Screech tells Alison to go to New York without him and promises to visit her at Christmas time unless the writers forget she ever existed. We close the episode, and this long, tedious arc with one last dance for Screech and Alison as Screech goes back to eternal bachelorhood and his first love, Rosey Palm.