We open with Mr. Carosi and his man boobs looking very cross. I don’t know why he looks so angry but he tells us it’s time for the annual Fourth of July celebration at Malibu Sands. There will be staff verses member games, the Miss Liberty pageant, and the fireworks ball. Slater is in charge of the games since he needs something to do and Zack Morris is in charge of the pageant. Kelly decides to sign up because the prize is a $500 savings bond and that could feed her ever increasing siblings for a few days.
Zack Morris offers a date with himself as a prize if these random extras sign up for the pageant. Since Zack Morris has magical Casanova powers, they automatically do exactly what he says. Stacey isn’t so easy to convince, though, since she has a brain. Zack Morris is charming, though, and threatens to take her mind away from her.
Slater sets up for the obstacle course on the beach while Lisa criticizes him. Turns out they’re competing against each other in the obstacle course so they trash talk one another. Then Screech walks up, wanting to give them both a run for their money and…
Sweet merciful Jesus Screech has the physique of a twelve year old. Since Screech is now delusional as well as a dumb ass, he believes he has a muscular physique. He promptly runs into a tube, gets stuck, and rolls the tube down into the ocean. Good God, I just want to smack the shit out of him.
Zack Morris finally convinces Stacey to sign up for the pageant. She has to leave, though, when they get a notice that the Coast Guard rescued Screech. No! Tell them to throw him back in! Damn it, Screech, this is why my taxes are so high!
Mr. Carosi, overhearing Stacey, disqualifies himself as a judge and then appoints Zack Morris as his replacement judge. Wouldn’t Zack Morris being friends with four of the judges be a conflict of interest in itself? Apparently not because plot.
In the employee lounge, Stacey comes out dressed…in whatever the hell this is. Seriously, it looks like she’s dressed as a Fourth of July candy cane. Could the costume department not afford anything better for her? Zack Morris senses an opportunity to get laid and lays it on thick for Stacey.
They prepare to kiss when Slater walks up and reminds Zack Morris with a glare who he really belongs to. Oh, Slater, don’t be jealous. You can always go for Screech. Zack Morris kicks Slater out before he asks Stacey to go to the dance with him.
It’s time for the Fourth of July celebration and we get…this. The hell? The costume department couldn’t afford a decent dress for Stacey but they can afford period dress? Where are the priorities in this episode.
Screech is supposed to be dressed as Uncle Sam, but, instead, he dresses like a hobo and says that this is how his Uncle Sam dresses because Screech’s dumbassery hasn’t quite reached epic proportions yet.
First up is the obstacle course. Predictably, Lisa kicks Slater’s ass. Slater feels emasculated because OH MY GOD! A GIRL IS ATHLETIC! THIS IS UNHEARD OF! The next event is blindfolded cornholing…oh right, it’s actually the wheelbarrow. It only looks like Mr. Carosi wants to get it on with this guy. And why is Mr. Carosi playing with the members anyway? Isn’t he staff. God, as stupid as The New Class is, at least they got the detail right about Mr. Belding being a member of staff at the country club!
Next up is tug-o-war and Lisa is all wet because girls shouldn’t be able to participate in sports! Lisa pulls Slater into the water for no reason. Slater finds being emasculated so sexy he asks Lisa to the dance. Wait…he and Jessie suddenly aren’t dating anymroe? I’m confused! He’s still dating her in the school episodes! What the hell, Saved by the Bell!
Now for the pageant and I bet you can’t possibly guess who the four finalists are. Why, it’s Fourth of July Candy Cane, Police Woman Stripper, Curly Haired Statue of LIberty, and the Swiss Miss Girl!
So the contest comes down to speeches about what the Fourth of July means to them. Here’s the breakdown:
Lisa: <insert superficial comment about shopping here>
Jessie: Feminism! Liberty and justice for all! White people off Zack Morris’s ancestors’ land!
Stacey: Yay, togetherness!
Kelly: Yay, quasi-intellectual speech about freedom!
The vote is tied between Stacey and Kelly, so the deciding vote is Zack Morris’s. He votes for Kelly
He votes for Kelly, who’s instantly turned into the court jester. What I want to know is why this voting isn’t secret. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?
Dumbass comes up and tells Stacey all about how Zack Morris and Kelly dated and how she dumped him and she wanted him back because Screech is a complete and utter moron who can’t tell from simple body language that his speech is completely inappropriate. It does produce one of the funniest scenes in Saved by the Bell history though.
Oh my god that’s amazing! I don’t care what the hell else Stacey does in the remaining Malibu Sands episodes. She’s now officially the most amazing character on this show because she tried to do what the other characters should have done long ago: kill Screech. Seriously, I could watch this all day!
At the pageant, Screech quotes a song by The Police all about how the singer is stalking a girl. Screech intends it to be a creepy line about watching him on a date with Lisa, but it actually sounds like Screech is stalking Slater. God, stupid out of context songs putting horrible visions in my head.
Stacey confronts Kelly about winning the pageant, apparently believing Dumbass’s story that Zack Morris wants her back. Kelly is all, “He doesn’t want me back. I was a horrible bitch to him and dumped him for a college guy so I could get some nice statutory rape action. Then I made him feel guilty for having feelings. Don’t worry. He’s ready for your raging vagina now.” Stacey feels like an idiot for having believed the dumbest character on this show and goes to find Zack Morris.
She finds her father deep in negotiations with one of the judges who he bribed. Stacey doesn’t find this odd and asks her father where Zack Morris is. Mr. Carosi tells her that he fired Zack Morris since he didn’t vote for her when he was told to. No, seriously, I’m not making that up. He just lets it all out like that. Stacey tells her father he’s a pathetic moron and goes out to find Zack Morris.
By Saved by the Bell standards, this is some pretty freaking amazing cinematography. Why don’t they do this more often? Oh, yeah, they pay for as little as they have to. Stacey tells Zack Morris she was an idiot for believing Screech. They make up and go back to the dance.
For some reason, Kelly went to the dance with Screech, who openly says he’s using Kelly to make Lisa jealous. Screech proceeds to creepily grope Kelly and Lisa is all, “I would murder you if you did that to me!”
Zack Morris and Stacey come in. Stacey tells Mr. Carosi that she rehired Zack Morris so he wouldn’t sue him for unfair dismissal. Wow! A writer in the Saved by the Bell universe knows this exists! Mr. Carosi backs down and realizes he’s not going to be rid of Zack Morris until this arc is over.
Malibu Sands blows up in pretty colored lights.And Stacey takes the plunge into becoming the latest girl to inexplicably fall for Zack Morris, the Fonzie of the ’90s. All he needs now is a leather jacket, a motorcycle, and a red-headed side kick and his get up will be complete.
Firsts: Zack Morris and Stacey date.