I don’t know if this makes me an evil person or not, but I’ve been looking forward to this episode for a while. This is The New Class‘s answer to “Jessie’s Song.” This is their first venture into very special episode territory. The only question here is how much they’re going to royally fuck it up.
We open in the gym where Mr. Belding is, once again, using a school assembly to give random announcements because…plot. Screech jumps in and tells everyone that Club Jam, which is apparently the hottest dance show on television, is going to hold their annual dance contest at Bayside because…plot? I don’t know. We’re only two minutes in and nothing makes sense. Mr. Belding is initially resistant to the idea until he finds out he gets to be a judge.Meanwhile Megan is so excited she may be launched into orbit.
Brian wants Rachel to be his dance partner. Rachel is initially resistant because she promised David she wouldn’t date any other guys while he’s gone, but Brian convinces Rachel his interest is strictly professional. Keep this in mind because this little bit of dialogue is going to bite them in the ass in a few weeks and make the timeline of the country club episodes completely incomprehensible.
Lindsay tells Tommy D she wants to look good for the contest so she’s cutting back on food. Tommy D is all, “That’s awesome because that means we can get to fucking faster rather than doing stupid stuff on our dates like eat.” Seriously, did they put Lindsay in this shirt just to emphasize how fucked up in the head she is to think she’s fat?
Bobby is about to ask Megan to be his partner since she’s the only member of the gang not paired up at this point, but Kent and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat here swoops in and asks her first. Seriously, he literally pushes Bobby out of the way to ask Megan and she still says yes. What a bitch!
It’s probably a good thing that Megan hooked up with Kent, though, because the only dance move Bobby seems to know is the Carlton. Rachel thinks that, as long as Megan and Kent are partners, no one else stands a chance. Brian doesn’t want to be cock blocked so he arranges for Bobby to help him in a scheme to break them up.
Their plan: show Bobby giving Mr. Belding a watch and convince Kent that Bobby is bribing Mr. Belding to win the contest. Since everyone at Bayside is a complete moron, Kent completely buys the story. Also, Screech convinces Mr. Belding to make him a judge.
At The Max, Screech horrifies everyone by showing how well he can do The Carlton. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air must be the most popular show in the Saved by the Bell universe. Screech tries to lift Lindsay in the air for a “dance” move but comments she’s heavier than he thought. Since Lindsay’s looking for confirmation of her weight problem, she’s willing to believe Los Angeles’s stupidest educator.
At Megan’s house, Rachel dresses as a ’50s era prostitute that can’t act. Lindsay thinks Rachel looks so thin and Rachel makes the remark that the camera adds eighty pounds. Of course, this leads into a fantasy sequence.
Between seeing Screech in her inner thoughts and imagining what she would look like as a Richard Simmons model, Lindsay subtly throws away her pizza while the others aren’t looking. Uh oh! Here comes very special episode territory, except the music for a very special episode on The New Class seems to be a whimsical guitar being plucked. Seriously, you couldn’t come up with better music to fit the mood the script is trying to set?
The next day, Lindsay is still obsessing. Rachel tells Brian she thinks something is wrong with Lindsay, but Brian’s all, “Lindsay’s issues have nothing to do with me sticking my love stick in your vagina so I don’t care!”
I really need to number these subplots to keep up with them. In subplot 545, Kent tries to bribe Mr. Belding with Lakers tickets. Mr. Belding is ready to bring some whoop ass out on Kent but settles for a week’s detention instead. Megan tells him that she won’t compete with someone who would bribe their idiot principal and storms out.
Screech dances like a monkey in the hallway because this will somehow help Megan pick a new dance partner. Megan tells Screech to fuck off back to whatever insane asylum he broke out of just as Brian and Bobby come down the stairs. Bobby lies to Megan and tells her he’s a kick ass dancer so Megan tells him she’ll settle for him.
I don’t know what Bobby was worried about. Megan knows how to do the Carlton too! Bobby one ups her in the bad dancing department and admits he’s not a good dancer. Bobby lays a guilt trip on her to make the audience go, “Awwwww!” Megan responds to their sadness by offering to teach Bobby how to dance. After all, if he could learn karate from hot dog condiments, he should be able to learn to dance in time for the contest.
Lindsay, meanwhile, is exercising in the gym, which seems to concern Tommy D more than her lack of eating. Seriously.
At The Max, Megan suddenly turns into a narrator for a PSA on anorexia. It’s as if she’s reading from a script that was copy and pasted from the journal of the American Medical Association. Lindsay comes in and, when the others express concern that she refuses to eat, she storms out and tells Tommy D she’ll find another dance partner. Wait, since when can Tommy D dance? In season one he was supposed to be this macho rebel. Now he’s a jock, a singer, and a dancer? How many more new traits can we put on him?
The writers decided that, since they still had Kent’s actor just sitting around, they might as well use him for one more scene. Lindsay tells Tommy D that Kent is her new dance partner because Kent doesn’t care if she starves herself to death. Also, Mr. Belding gives Brian a week’s detention for proving that Kent is a dumb ass.
You can tell this show is hip and funky because none of the camera operates can hold the camera straight. Also, DJ Katrina says to get the contest started, but lots of extras suddenly storm the dance floor. Do the writers of this show even know what a dance contest would look like? Here’s a clue: it doesn’t look like a gay club on a Saturday night!
During a commercial break, DJ Katrina tells Brian and Rachel they’re up next. Lindsay tells Kent she needs a minute and she walks out holding her head, but not before telling Tommy D to go fuck himself. Tommy D asks Brian to talk to her because a guy she’s barely had interaction with this season is the perfect person for an intervention. Brian’s scared how this will affect his vagina pursuit, but Tommy D talks him into it.
Brian and Tommy D find Lindsay in a classroom with her head on the desk, and I swear that this is the funniest scene of The New Class I’ve seen to date. The combination of the ridiculousness of Lindsay suddenly becoming anorexic in a few days, Natalia Cigliuti and Christian Oliver’s horrible acting, and a script that seems to trivialize treatment for a serious disease lead me to laugh at this almost as much as the scene in “Jessie’s Song” with Zack Morris and Jessie. Lindsay blacks out and instantly realizes that she has a problem because that’s how eating disorders work: you instantly believe when everyone else tells you that you might have an issue. Once I stopped laughing at how horrible this scene is, I couldn’t help but be a little pissed off at their casual treatment of a very serious subject. I mean, people have died from complications due to anorexia and they’re acting like it’s something you just snap out of. Fuck The New Class. Fuck them with a baseball bat.
The problem is this episode is not trying to do something very serious, which is not in and of itself a bad thing. The fact that there’s a million subplots thrown in, though, means they barely have time to fit Lindsay’s main plot in, and what we get is so superficial that they might as well not have made this episode at all. I mean Lindsay’s anorexia plot could have easily been completely cut and the episode would have just felt like a rip-off of “Dancing to the Max.” This show has the most incompetent writers I think I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve watched shows as bad as Full House and Suite Life on Deck.So with Lindsay and Brian gone, there’s only one couple left in the contest despite the fact we earlier saw several other couples waiting. Bobby and Megan are the only regulars left, though, so they win the contest by default after Bobby proves he’s a genius at learning new things in short amounts of time. Lindsay apologizes to everyone for not believing them, and we close with the worst actors on television going off to get Lindsay some food, because that’s all she needs to get over her anorexia.