Monthly Archives: November 2014

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 12: “The Last Weekend”

vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h18m16s153 We open with Mr. Carosi telling the staff that, for the end of the summer luau, it’s a tradition to make sand sculptures, though he hates them. He tells them that he wants them to make sure the sculpture isn’t boring and that the luau is after the unveiling of the sand sculptures. The gang are initially excited about the opportunity to get lots of tips, but Mr. Carosi tells them they have to give ten percent of their tips to him because…plot.

The gang is initially outraged until Stacey does some incredibly creepy things to her “Papa Bear” to get him to change his about the tips. Zack Morris, I hate to break this to you, but it seems like Stacey’s cheating on two men with you.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h19m16s7

In the employee lounge, Stacey comes in yelling at Zack Morris about selling a member mayonaise sunscreen.  vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h20m00s187

Apparently he didn’t really, though. It was just a rouse to get the extras out of the room so they could fuck on top of Screech’s underwear. Wait, since when is their relationship a secret? They haven’t exactly been discreet over the summer. It would have been nice if the writers had clued us, the audience, in to the fact that no one except the gang is supposed to know about them dating. There are times the plot holes of this show astound me.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h20m34s5

 

Oh, THIS is why the writers suddenly decided that the relationship was a secret: they wanted an excuse for a conflict with Mr. Carosi! Because Mr. Carosi is completely clueless about signs that men are fucking his daughter, he apparently didn’t realize they were dating until he walked in on them kissing. Oh, writers, you are so predictable. Of course, it wouldn’t surprise me if this episode was the first filmed and they had no idea how Zack Morris and Stacey were going to play out the rest of the time.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h21m08s100

Meanwhile, Slater and Kelly commemorate over how their jobs are awesome because they allow them the opportunity to pick up hot people. This is beginning to remind me of what it would be like if Johnny Bravo were a lifeguard. vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h21m55s41

Slater is apparently a whore as he willingly flexes for Mrs. Robinson here for tips. Yes, we have old people with no sense of personal boundaries hitting on high school students. How…disturbing.

Wait…I just realized…her name is Mrs. Robinson and she’s an older woman attracted to a younger man. If I didn’t think it was giving the writers of this show too much credit, I would think they were making a deliberate reference to The Graduate, but that would mean they’ve been watching good movies…vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h22m37s212

After Mrs. Robinson leaves, someone is kind enough to throw a frisbee at Slater to inform him that they have a secret crush on him. So THAT’S how you let your crush know you like them! Excuse me while I go to Amazon.com and buy all the frisbees they have.

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Rusty from Full House runs up and tells Slater that someone is beating up his friend behind the concession stand. Once Slater goes to break up the fight, Rusty starts hitting on Kelly. Yes, if you ever wanted to see an episode where Rusty from Full House creepily hits on Kelly, then you’ve found your episode! Rusty gives Kelly his…business card…and implies that he wants her to come help him put his PJs on.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h23m43s102 Meanwhile, Jessie is given the task of designing the sculpture, a sand castle, and tell me why he drawing reminds me more of an Ah-Ha! video than a sand castle? Zack Morris decides to get all the members together to build one giant castle because…plot?vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h24m09s114 Meanwhile, Mr. Carosi comes in and is disturbed to discover that Stacey has dared to disobey his parental authority and is still treating Zack Morris like a human being. They argue and Stacey decides to invite herself to move into Lisa’s house with the girls.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h24m58s98 It’s time to build the sand castle and Screech is being a dumb ass as usual.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h25m23s85 Rusty wants Kelly to go to his Little League banquet with him and Kelly’s all, “I don’t want to be like half the love interests in this franchise.” Rusty sulks off because she rejected him and Kelly suddenly feels bad that she doesn’t have pedophilia tendencies. Jessie pours salt in the wound by telling Kelly that Rusty will probably need lots of therapy to get over her. Gee, it’s nice to have friends who encourage you to do morally reprehensible things.

Meanwhile, someone crashes a radio controlled car into Slater’s leg. Yes, his secret admirer is still trying to hurt him. Boy, this is the most romantic person I’ve ever heard of! I’m going to go get a radio controlled car and start crashing it into people I like!

 

Mr. Carosi also thinks the sand castle sucks ass because it was Zack Morris and Stacey’s idea. Um, actually it was Jessie’s idea if you’re being technical…vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h27m02s50

Zack Morris and Stacey are out for a romantic night on the beach but Stacey is distracted by the situation with her father and so she isn’t particularly perky for fucking. Zack Morris decides there’s only one thing to to.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h29m12s74

Back at Malibu Sands, Zack Morris tries to talk to Mr. Carosi and explain to him the situation that Stacey is his property now. Mr. Carosi is all, “Fuck off. She’ll always be my property!” and storms off.

Mr. Carosi goes on the war path by harassing the kitchen staff since they still had a kitchen set lying around only used once. Zack Morris comes in and tells him it’s time for the staff photo and Stacey wants him in the photo. He decides this is opportunity to reclaim his property.

Meanwhile, Jessie tells Stacey Mr. Carosi wants her in the staff photo. The staff, which has suddenly shrunk in number, gather, and Zack Morris moves people around until Mr. Carosi and Stacey are standing next to each other.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h32m29s249

Next the rest of the staff leave so Mr. Carosi and Stacey will start talking. They realize they’re the victims of a Zack Morris scheme and make up with Mr. Carosi declaring Zack Morris can have her after all.1vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h33m39s170 And they finally take the picture of the staff. I swear if this is all the people it takes to run this club, it must be the suckiest club on Earth.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h33m44s231

It’s time for the unveiling of the sand castle and…assuming this castle is actually made out of sand and isn’t just a cheap styrofoam piece, it’s a sweet looking castle. Okay so it is probably a cheap looking styrofoam piece, but it’s still a surprisingly nice design for Saved by the Bell.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h34m10s240

It even has a drawbridge, a moat with running water, and a radio controlled tank that I assume will fire at Slater’s leg any moment.

Before the tank can attack Slater, a girl starts screaming that she’s drowning and Slater, seeing the opportunity to practice his CPR skills, rushes out to save her.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h35m03s255

But it turns out that the girl was faking it and really Slater’s secret admirer the entire time. She says she was scared Slater wouldn’t like her and Slater’s all, “Of course I like you! You have a vagina and you’re not old!”vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h35m37s80

So Slater carries her back to the beach as they make plans to consummate their new found love.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h36m16s212

At the luau, Kelly’s dancing with Screech out of sympathy since Screech’s dance moves look like the dying movements of a fish dumped out of water. Jessie thanks Lisa for her parents’ tip and Screech is jealous since he assume tip means blow job. Lisa gives Screech a coconut and tells him to go shove it up his ass.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h37m31s191

Slater introduces the gang to Cynthia, his secret admirer. Zack Morris says it’s too bad it took them all summer to get together, but Slater tells him it’s okay because Cynthia just moved there and will be going to Bayside. Sorry to break it to you, Slater, but if she’s not in the opening credits, she doesn’t matter in this universe.

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Rusty sits pouting nearby that it’s so hard to find a good pedophile nowadays. Kelly comes over and comforts him, telling him they can be special friends, which cheers Rusty up and gives him a boner.
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Mr. Carosi comes out and thanks the staff for a wonderful summer. For some reason, a beach club in southern California has to close when it’s not summer, but logic is so hard to find around this universe that I should probably let it slide.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h39m24s50

Mr. Carosi approaches Zack Morris and asks him to please come back next year so he won’t fall into the ambiguous zone with Miss Bliss, Mikey, Nikki, and Max. Zack Morris tells him he’s love to as long as he’s not spending next summer preparing for a spin-off show.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h39m34s153

And they embrace, finally expressing their true feelings for one another. Mr. Carosi tells Zack Morris he better go over and fuck his daughter before she leaves.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h40m31s210

Stacey’s preparing to leave in like five minutes. No, I’m serious. She’s quite literally just sitting around for her last few minutes in LA. They whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears and promise to see each other again unless the writers forget she ever existed except for a lame ass clip episode in the final season.
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They kiss one last time, and, for once, the audience is completely silent at a kiss. It’s like the crew put tape over their mouths to keep them from ruining the moment.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h41m50s231

Zack Morris stands alone on the beach, thinking about how he’s going to get his next piece of tail, when his friends join him.vlcsnap-2014-11-14-10h42m23s38And our episode ends with the six people that matter in the Saved by the Bell universe walking off arm in arm, finally ready for that big orgy.

Other than the lame subplots involving Slater’s secret admirer and Rusty hitting on Kelly, this is actually a really good episode and a fitting conclusion to the Malibu Sands episodes. Really, though, couldn’t the writers have told us Zack Morris and Stacey’s relationship was supposed to be secret, and then actually made it secret? After all, it would have made the beginning of this episode so much less confusing.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 20: “Drinking 101”

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Oh god…this episode isn’t opening well…please let this be a social studies lesson on the Rockies…vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h51m04s177

Oh god…please let this be a film the gang is watching on skiing. No, of course it isn’t. It’s yet another fucking location episode. God, why must you punish me so? Is it because you’re secretly a fan of Showgirls and get pissed when I say it ruined Elizabeth Berkley’s career? Is it because I think the Olson twins were the worst things in prime time in the ’90s? Was it because of that time I took caffeine pills? Oh, God, why must you forsaken me?

Yes, Mr. Belding and Screech are taking the gang and select extras on a ski trip to Mount No-Name-in-California.  vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h52m00s232

The gang is excited that there won’t be any parents for the next week but Screech is kind enough to creepily let Tommy D know that he can call him his “Happy Pappy.” Is that a hillbilly drug dealer? Seriously, did the writers think that was funny at all or were they just stoned out of their minds while they were writing this piece of crap?

Meanwhile, Bobby complains about penguins living in his underwear and Lindsay notices a hot guy because she’s a girl and all girls think about are guys. Rachel wants to get a little something something with Brian but Brian’s Swiss and all Swiss people want to do is ski. It’s like their Viagra.

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Mr. Belding trips over Tommy D’s skis in the most awkward position since Zack Morris’s trip over Mr. Belding in “The Surgery.” And the result?

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You guessed it! That was enough to give Mr. Belding a sprained ankle! Are bones just much more brittle in the Saved by the Bell universe? Anyway, he has to stay off his ankle for a few days but he tells the gang to go and have fun.

Unfortunately, in yet another subplot, Rachel thinks she’s at a fashion show and not a ski trip and she’s taking quite literally hours to decide what to wear to ski. Brian’s all, “Fuck this bullshit!” and leaves her to go skiing with Tommy D and Bobby.

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Screech decides to take Mr. Belding sledding through the absolutely worst simulated set of a mountain I’ve ever seen. Seriously, this set is worse than some of the ones from the original Star Trekvlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h55m35s96

Of course, the writers suddenly decide Screech is scared of heights and he leaves Mr. Belding to plummet to his death.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h56m04s122

Back at the ski lodge, meet Chris, Lindsay’s college age love interest for the episode who helps her take her ski boots off, which is like third base in the Saved by the Bell universe. Lindsay tells Chris that she’s also college age, which is an obvious lie, and that she goes to Cal U. Chris decides that Lindsay is suitable to have his babies so he invites her to a frat party…at the ski lodge. Yeah.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h57m21s119

The boys arrive back after a full day of skiing to find Rachel still trying on clothes and Rachel’s all, “That’s okay. My vagina is moist for some huge Swiss meat.” Brian’s all, “That sounds fun and all but I want to ski again tomorrow and hopefully find a mountain lion to fuck so I’m going to bed.” Rachel’s all pissed that Brian would dare want to ski on a skiing trip. But before they can fight it out, Bobby’s underwear catches on fire and Tommy D and Brian rush off after him so they can smother the fire in his pants.

Lindsay tells Megan all about Chris and Megan is all judgmental because her own vagina is a barren desert. Lindsay tells Megan and Rachel about the party. Rachel instantly wants to go because of the stupid subplot involving her and Brian. Megan doesn’t want to go at first until they see some of Chris’s hot college friends and she instantly gets a lady boner.

Screech comes in and tells the girls he’s throwing a get well soon party for Mr. Belding tonight because…plot, and assumes the girls want to come. Lindsay’s all, “We’re going to go to both because I want to find out what I’ve been missing shackled to Tommy D for the past two years!”vlcsnap-2014-11-13-20h59m29s131

In the girls’ room, Lindsay wants to dress like this to go to a party with hot guys. Rachel says this is so uncool and throws Lindsay a leather jacket so she can look more like Tori, the coolest kid to ever have gone to Bayside. They then proceed to argue over their knowledge of college life based on the gospel of Beverly Hills, 90210vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h00m13s52

Boy, Screech really knows how to throw a party doesn’t he? This is the most exciting party I’ve seen since the Heaven’s Gate party.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h00m22s142

So Screech sucks ass at charades. The girls decide they’ve had enough of this lame ass party and decide to sneak off so they can go to the frat party. The boys become suspicious and decide to stalk them.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h02m22s54

But not before Tommy D is volunteered to hit a giant pinata with Mr. Belding’s face on it. God, I really don’t want to know what Screech filled that thing with…
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At the party, Megan and Rachel are enjoying an exciting night of talking about college majors with two men who could be arrested for statutory rape if they touched their downstairs areas. Lindsay, meanwhile, decides that Chris is a thousand times better than Tommy D because he’s not a complete idiot, and imagines what it would be like to marry him.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h04m03s42 The boys locate the girls and Tommy D’s genius mind automatically assumes that Rachel is there because she goes to college. Are we sure that Tommy D isn’t Screech’s long lost brother who was mentioned in Good Morning, Miss Bliss?vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h05m08s194

The boys sneak into the party and Brian does his best to look disapproving as Rachel seems determined to have fun. See, Brian’s already learned that, in the Saved by the Bell universe, going to a party means you’re going to leave knocked up or with a duck or something.
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Lindsay, meanwhile, drinks the evil horrible vile drink known as beer in order to fit in with the college crowd, and let me tell you: if you thought Natalia Cigliuti was a horrible actress, just wait until you see her try to pretend to be drunk. It’s like watching Dustin Diamond try to appear likeable. Also, a vixen comes in and woos Tommy D with her villainous charm because Tommy D is willing to drink beer with her and that’s apparently the only criteria needed to be fuckable on The New Class. It’s nice to know Tommy D is such a piece of crap that he would break up with Lindsay just a few episodes ago for Katie and then forget Katie ever existed. A real charmer, this one.

Now cue the moralizing about the evils of alcohol in 3, 2, 1…

Megan comes in and finds Lindsay in some semblance that would count as being drunk in some parallel universe and proceeds to judge her for daring to let Satan’s brewsky touch her lips.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h06m48s160

Rachel also takes a drink but instantly spits it out on random college guy here because alcohol will make your tongue fall out!
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Tommy D and random girl come in and Tommy D offers Bobby a drink. Bobby says he’s saving himself for the priesthood since that’s the only way he’s ever going to get any.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h07m56s72

Random girl decides to go for a spin on a stolen snow mobile that just happens to be conveniently parked indoors. Bobby tries to talk Tommy D out of the snow mobile since he’s been drinking, apparently not caring about the consequences of stolen property, but Tommy D is all, “I’m an idiot so I’ve got to illustrate our moral this week!”

Lindsay’s acting continues to get worse the more alcohol she drinks.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h08m39s241

Screech comes in and finds Brian and Bobby. Seeing Megan and Rachel there too, he quickly deduces using what little brain power he possesses that the gang snuck out to go to the party. Being the responsible adult chaperon he is, he tells them to just get back upstairs for Mr. Belding’s surprise cake that Miss Bliss is going to jump through.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h10m07s96 Screech goes to retrieve Lindsay and lets the cat out of the bag she’s in high school. Chris is all, “I can’t claim ‘She lied to me’ as self-defense now that someone’s actually named your age, so see ya!”vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h11m07s180

Back at Mr. Belding’s party, Ron brings out cake for Mr. Belding that Lindsay almost falls into. She then falls on a nearby bed.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h11m49s98

Rachel and Brian make up for their stupid little sub-plot that went nowhere. Lindsay interrupts their tinder moment to go throw up the Ruffies that Chris slipped her and Mr. Belding suddenly realizes something’s up. The gang confess everything to him quickly because they’re like the fastest group of high schoolers to confess to something in history.

With less than a minute left in the episode, a ski patrolman comes in and tells Mr. Belding that Tommy D had an accident on his snowmobile. Well, duh! He tried to drive it through the ski lodge but the Kool-Aid Man he is not! Mr. Belding blames Bobby for the accident because Bobby didn’t tackle and hold him to keep him off the snowmobile. vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h12m59s35

Tommy D has a broken leg, Lindsay has a hang-over, and Mr. Belding moralizes over how they should have just said no to alcohol and stopped their friends because people apparently don’t have free will in the Saved by the Bell universe. He grounds them all for the weekend because they’re all bad, evil people who dared let the sin of drink on their tongue. The moral lesson here: you’re always responsible for your friends actions no matter how stupid they are because you should apparently just set fire to a party rather than just let them make their own choices.vlcsnap-2014-11-13-21h13m38s166And our episode ends with Screech increasing liability for Bayside as he proceeds to whack Tommy D in the foot with a ski. Nice going, Dumbass.

Really, I don’t get why they hate alcohol so much. If it weren’t for alcohol, the only people who would watch these episodes are internet reviewers with too much time on their hands.

Firsts: The ski lodge.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 11: “Pipe Dreams”

I have so been looking forward to giving this episode hell in a schaudenfreude sort of way. It’s one of those episodes you can’t help hearing about, like “Jessie’s Song” or “Running Zack.” Let’s see how it is.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h24m21s255

We open in a tropical paradise where the gang is learning Biology from Doctor Phelps and a menagerie of animals from “the pond behind the football field” that’s never been mentioned before and, I dare say, will never be mentioned again. And what the hell is someone with a PhD doing teaching high school biology? It doesn’t make sense!

No time for any of that, though, because it’s time to play everyone’s favorite game at Saved by the Bell Reviewed…”Where’s Scott Wolf?” Unfortunately, Scott Wolf is nowhere to be found in this episode so let’s find Casper Van Dien instead.

vlcsnap-2014-11-08-19h05m57s95Yeah, there he is, random student to the left of Lisa. I know. It’s not nearly as spectacular as spotting Scott Wolf but for anyone who’s enjoyed making fun of Starship Troopers, it’s nice to know the caliber of the jobs he takes hasn’t gone up very much over the years. He’ll show up one more time, too.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h25m09s217

Doctor Phelps decides it’s time for the students to randomly hold animals. Oh, how ironic! Lisa hates turtles because they’re icky! Let’s send some of the teenage mutant ninja variety to her house!

Now get ready for the introduction of the most important character in Saved by the Bell history! Are you ready? Oh my god, the tension is killing me! Here it is! I hope you’re sitting down…vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h26m10s67

Becky. Becky the Motherfucking Kick Ass Ninja Spy Super Duck!  Although Zack Morris doesn’t know that’s her name yet because she’s deep undercover since she’s a bad ass! Becky can take a mother fucking knock on the head from one of Zack Morris’s baseballs because she’s Becky. Becky can can stand smelling Zack Morris’s arm pits because she’s a mother fucking bad ass! And Becky can save children from a burning orphanage because…she’s motherfucking Becky, yo! All hail, Becky!

Doctors Phelps declares Becky’s okay because she’s a bad ass and agrees to let Zack Morris take random wildlife home for the weekend because Becky’s using her motherfucking mind control techniques!
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In the hallway, Mr. Belding recognizes Becky as the duck who once saved him from a crazed Mylo back at JFK Jr. High! Mr. Belding tells Zack Morris and Screech that Becky is a bad ass and has a name, and exposits a bit about putting in new goal posts on the football field!vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h27m31s111

At The Max, Becky eats with the rest of the gang and one questions why a duck is being allowed in a restaurant when it isn’t being cooked until one realizes two things: one, Max used to keep animals in his pants all the time, and two, Becky is a mother fucking bad ass!

Slater rushes in and tells the gang that the construction people knocked out a pipe when they were putting in the new football goals and oil is spurting everywhere. Jessie’s all, “Feminism! Animal rights! Daffy Duck deserves a home!”vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h28m08s225

The gang lament that the school didn’t really strike oil and imagine what it would be like if the school really struck oil.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h28m26s159

Apparently they imagine that Zack Morris is dressed as his grandfather.
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And Lisa dresses as a nineteenth century hooker.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h28m48s119

Then there’s their history teacher, Mrs. Kearns, whom the students imagine having enough money to tell her academic don’t matter.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h29m11s89

Zack Morris calls on his butler, Mr. Belding, to tell Mrs. Kearns to go fuck herself before they sick Becky on her.
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Lisa has random models working for her for unknown reasons.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h30m27s57

And Jessie likes to arrange assassination of those who oppose her political agenda.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h30m51s73 Kelly’s dream apparently is to remain a waitress the rest of her life…I don’t know. Just go with it.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h31m19s92Oh, casual racism, it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other! Yes, Screech is actually trying to be a rich Arab and does the single worst impersonation I’ve seen of an Arab in my entire life. He actually manages to do a worse impersonation than the one Zack Morris did way back in season one. Oh, Screech, you lovable imperial racist who loves the thought of buying Saudi Arabia!

All of this does make one question: is the gang just a bunch of irredeemable racists? Also, why would they get any money out of it if the school struck oil? And last, but most important, complete the cycle! What the hell is Becky’s motherfucking dream, yo?! Becky’s the most important thing in this show! Why, she should be dating Leah Remini and not Zack Morris! Speciesists!

Yeah, they come out of their fantasies long enough for Screech to rush in and tell the gang that Bayside really did strike oil. Oh, what a predictable but improbable stroke of luck using Beverly Hillbillies logic.
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Mr. Belding calls a school assembly to announce plans for the oil money because…principals always share their schools’ fiscal plan with the students? I don’t know. But this is Dan Grayson, the vice-president of Cal Star Oil, who’s practically screaming villain what with his cowboy dress and Texas accent and love of oil. He’s come to extract the oil and build a “better Bayside.” Yeah all the oil money is going to go to Bayside because, in real life, it would totally not get stuck in the wheels of bureaucracy that is state government and go to fund some study on the consumption of ketchup.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h34m57s218

Back at Zack Morris’s house, Becky is still being her usual bad ass self after having just saved a bus full of nuns from crashing into a run away train being driven by terrorists under orders from Adolph Hitler. Jessie comes over to ask Zack Morris to sign her petition against oil drilling and Zack Morris is all, “I don’t do anything for other people!” She convinces Zack Morris to read up on oil drilling. Also, Zack Morris and Screech confess to a felony after admitting they stuck a para scope in the girls’ locker room to perv on all the naked flesh. How are they not in prison?vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h37m16s71

But Zack Morris has different ideas and he’s beginning to fall for Becy and her awesome kick assery. He only wishes the state would stop oppressing him and legalize inter-species marriage. Finally, Screech does the most disturbing Donald Duck impersonation ever. I think the writers are going for a record for how many times they can creep us out with Screech in one episode.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h39m33s145

Back at Bayside, it’s time for the animals to be released back to the pond. Becky walks like the bad ass she is as she prepares to go rejoin the animal kingdom and do even more kick ass things! Oh, I hope Becky will make a guest appearance, maybe making the Tori episodes more bearable when I get to them soon enough! Lisa conveniently got over her fear of turtles off screen and Kelly randomly decides Jessie’s right about oil drilling.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h39m39s224

Jessie, Kelly, and random nerd Franklin protest oil drilling. Naturally, Franklin just wants to sexually harass Jessie and Kelly. Mr. Belding comes and orders the trio to his office but discover Franklin swallowed the key so he can feel up their cooches. That’s when Lisa comes in and tells them that there’s conveniently been an oil spill and there’s oil everywhere! Oh no!

In the locker room, Screech and Zack Morris dress for gym and…remember what I said about setting a new record for number of times Screech disturbs me in one episode…
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Yeah. Why, Saved by the Bell!? WHY I ASK YOU!?!?!

Slater comes in covered in oil and tell Zack Morris and Screech about the oil spill. Zack Morris suddenly realizes they don’t know whether the oil got in the pond or not and becomes concerned because Becky is now carrying his child. The three rush out to find out what happened.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h42m23s68

Zack Morris and Screech rush in to Doctor Phelps and…NO! NOT BECKY! Becky, you surely met an enemy you could not conquer: Big Oil! Yes, Becky has expired, the victim of the vicious oil spill being perpetrated by Genghis Khan. As Screech says, Becky is where the oil can’t hurt her now, up in Heaven with great heroes of the past like Barry Allen, the first Flash, and Jason Todd the second Robin, if he hadn’t been resurrected.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h43m25s173

Becky’s death puts Zack Morris and Screech instantly against the oil company, and this sends them, with Jessie, to protest the drilling to Mr. Belding. Mr. Belding actually makes a pretty compelling case, saying that it was just an accident, but Jessie insists that the evil oil company is covering up the accident even though it’s been like fifteen minutes since we even saw the oil company.
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Slater, Kelly, and Lisa come in and, somehow, in the middle of a giant oil spill, manage to find the exact same animals they were holding in the Biology class because, apparently, there’s only one of ever species in this pond, which must make reproduction difficult. But who cares about them?!?! BECKY!!!!vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h45m48s73

 

At another assembly complete with parents and everything, Mr. Grayson shows the students a replica of the new Bayside with a new swimming pool and football field because the oil company are also apparently in the architecture business. Ironically, I think this is the first time we’ve actually seen the exterior of Bayside in any form other than the opening credits. The gang start berating Mr. Grayson over getting rid of the pond that’s now covered in oil.

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Zack Morris puts some model oil derricks onto the model and proceeds to spray “oil” all over the model because apparently all their case rests on is how bad the derricks and oil will make the school grounds work. vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h48m53s131

Did Zack Morris use Hershey’s chocolate syrup for oil? Jessie finally mentions the animals, and Mr. Grayson does the mean and horrible thing of apologizing for it and saying they’ve already cleaned up the pond because…HE’S EVIL!!!!vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h49m58s17

Mr. Belding says he thinks he’s seen enough of evil Mr. Grayson and declares the school won’t be allowing drilling because Zack Morris’s unorthodox methods have melted their cold hearts.vlcsnap-2014-11-08-15h49m50s184And our episode ends with the gang congratulating themselves on another hair brained scheme that succeeds.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I am one of the biggest advocates for developing alternative fuel sources, and I don’t believe our current obsession with oil is sustainable, but this episode makes me want to go and buy stock in oil companies. This is such a hypocritical episode and Slater even points out how hypocritical it is at one point when he mentions all the stuff we currently need oil for. What he didn’t mention was producing and airing television shows. So…was Saved by the Bell trying to get themselves cancelled?

But let’s not forget what was important here…Becky. RIP Becky. They can’t hurt you now! Long may you quack!

Firsts: Casper Van Dien.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 19: “The Class of 2020”

You know what, say what you will about the clip episodes from Saved by the Bell. At least the original series had the decency to wait until their final season to do their clip episodes, even if there were a shit ton of them and they did suck ass. The New Class is doing their first clip episode…after only two seasons, the first of which was a thirteen episode season. Oh, The New Class, have you no shame? Wait, I know the answer to that…

vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h42m38s88 Our framing story is that Mr. Belding is making a video for the Bayside class of 2020 to see what people in the ’90s were like.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h42m55s255

Of course, Screech assists him because what else would Screech have to do on this show?vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h43m00s52

Now imagine you open a time capsule twenty-five years in the future, watch the video, and this is what you see. I believe I would have the impression Bayside was a school for the mentally challenged in the ’90s.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h44m22s104

Anyway, our regulars, in pairs of two, get to talk about episodes that featured them since the things that happen on the show are apparently the only things on this show that mattered. First up are Megan and Bobby, who thinks this is what fashion will look like in 2020. God help us if we’re all dressed as the Tin Man’s idiot nephew.

Now, it’s my policy that I refuse to review a bunch of scenes that were already stupid to begin with just because the writers were so lazy they decided to do a clip show. I will say that the theme of this clip show is “couples,” which is problematic with Megan and Bobby given they’re not a couple. Leave it to the writers of this stupid show to use the subplot from “A Perfect Lindsay” about Megan teaching Bobby to dance as a positive moment in their fake relationship. Yeah, once again trivialize the main plot about anorexia and don’t even mention it during Lindsay’s segment. Instead, let’s talking about dancing.

God, I hate this show.

With that said, instead of reviewing stupid clips, let’s play a game called, “Things That are More Interesting than The New Class.” I welcome your additions in the comments below. Here’s my first four.

Walking Dead

The Walking Dead.

Chicago Fire

Soccer.

Superman Spiderman Batman

Comic books.

Beer

Beer.

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Seriously, imagine you’re in 2020 and this is the picture you get of the ’90s. I would deny coming of age in the ’90s if this is what it meant.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h50m35s233

Tommy D and Lindsay are up next and Tommy D is fascinated by this cookoo clock about as much as a toddler is fascinated with a game of peek-a-boo. For the record, they’re still broken up.

Now, since the clips are starting again, here are four more things more interesting than The New Class.

Doing Your Taxes

Doing your taxes.

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Zack Morris’s incredibly large freckles on his legs and arms.

Pet Dander

Pet dander.

Cat wearing Sunglasses

Cats wearing sunglasses.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h57m02s21

It’s now Brian and Rachel’s turn and the writers decide to pretend like they’ve been developing Rachel’s love of shopping all season so they throw in an unfunny gag about her writing her own book on shopping. Oh, and to confuse matters even more about the timeline, they’re now dating in the school episodes as they use footage from the country club episodes that shows them dating.

But no time for all that! It’s clip time again, which means it’s time for four more things more interesting than The New Class!

Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice.

Vanilla Icecream

Vanilla Ice Cream.

7th Heaven

7th Heaven.

Watching Paint Dry

Watching paint dry.
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So now that the students have all contributed to the video, there are only two regulars left to reminisce about the episodes they’ve been in.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-21h59m46s127

Screech also manages to do the most disturbing skit involving Trolls dolls I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously, I think he escaped from a psychiatric hospital after The College Years was cancelled.

It’s time for clips again so it’s time for my final four choices of things more interesting than The New Class.

Snow ShirtlessSpending time in the snow while wearing swimming trunks.

Dust MiteDust mites.

ShowgirlsElizabeth Berkley’s career post-Saved by the Bell.

Mary Kate Ashley Olson

And. of course, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson.

So I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at things that are more interesting than The New Class. Unfortunately, next week, we’re back to our regular scheduled awfulness. For now, though, let’s just hope that there won’t be a spin-off in 2020 to open the time capsule from this awful class.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 10: “Boss Lady”

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We open with Zack Morris mocking Mr. Carosi, not realizing that the future voice of Pumbaa is standing behind him checking for head lice. Also, I haven’t mentioned it until this point but there’s been a running gag throughout the Malibu Sands episodes that Zack Morris can’t get Mr. Carosi’s name right. It’s never quite funny and it simply seems to imply that Zack Morris has a Screech level of idiocy.

Mr. Carosi announces he will be gone all day on business and Stacey will be in charge. Stacey promises her father she will give some close, personal attention to Zack Morris, which I assume means hand jobs in the employees’ lounge.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h22m39s204

Showing how much the gang respect Stacey’s authority, they immediately start playing Frisbee in the lobby of the club, since it’s not like there’s a beach or anything to play on. Stacey comes in and calls bull shit on their antics and tells them they better respect her authority or there will be spankings all around.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h23m39s26

Meanwhile, this is Mr. Richter, who comes in and wants to hang a picture of his daughter in the dining room for her sweet sixteen party tonight. Unfortunately, Stacey doesn’t know about this as she was expecting a fiftieth anniversary party for the Thornhills. Turns out Mr. Carosi is an idiot businessman and double booked the party. Stacey gets ready to ask Mr. Richter to move the party but he says he’s flying in people from all over the world, which makes her think twice.

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Zack Morris and Stacey decide to ask the Thornhills to move their party instead, and it’s a lucky thing for the cameraman that he has the ability to move through solid objects. Some of Max’s magic must still be around on this show!
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The Thornhills don’t care about Zack Morris’s proposal to move the party to tomorrow night because they have this unreasonable desire to have their fiftieth anniversary on their fiftieth anniversary. Also, Mr. Thornhill looks like he’s ready to savage Mrs. Thornhill after she’s done with that bacon and coffee.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h26m42s71

Zack Morris decides the best thing they can do is convince Mr. Richter to move his party to the beach, but before he can continue that thought, Dumbass walks onto the beach with the apparatus he needs for his useless, time wasting subplot. Yes, Screech is searching for buried treasure at the beach club! I have to say, little he does surprises me anymore.
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Until, that is, he goes searching for buried treasure on this guy’s face. Seriously, Screech, you’re like a child. A mentally challenged child. Just because his face is covered up doesn’t mean he’s not there.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h27m30s33He next uses the metal detector to sexually harass Lisa. He inexplicably discovers a gold coin right next to Lisa. Yes, a real gold coin, and considering the fact that the last time a gold coin was in general circulation in the United States was 1889, it must have somehow managed to stay there undisturbed just below the surface for a very long time. Once again, Saved by the Bell, encyclopedias are your friends! Either that or a very unlucky coin collector was harassing Lisa and dropped the coin. Lisa’s skeptical but Screech is all, “Now you’ll marry me because I’m rich!”

Also, Kelly comes up and starts obsessing over Screech digging holes in the beach. How horrible of him! No one ever digs on the beach! EVER!

Copyright Naples Daily News

Copyright Naples Daily News

Oh, right. Young children do it all the time, which should be all Kelly needs to know to explain why Screech is doing it.
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Screech is also beginning to look disturbing like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He even practically says, “My pretty! Me want’s my pretty!” when he thinks Kelly wants to steal his coin rather than obsess over holes that aren’t her vagina.
vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h29m20s113Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Stacey approach Mr. Richter and his daughter, Jennie, about moving her sweet sixteen party to the beach. Mr. Richter doesn’t like the idea, but once Zack Morris gets Jennie’s lady boner up, she’s all for it since everyone wants to fuck Zack Morris.
vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h29m47s133Just when Zack Morris and Stacey think they have everything under control, Roberto, the head of the kitchen staff, comes out upset about something. Slater comes out of the kitchen, too…for some reason. Really, it’s never explained why he’s there. He’s a lifeguard! What the hell is he doing in the kitchen? Anyway, as the token Latino, it’s Slater’s job to translate for Roberto since all Latino people speak Spanish. Roberto says that the kitchen staff were promised a raise by Mr. Carosi and they’ll strike if they don’t get it by the end of the day.

After a commercial break, we rejoin Robero and the kitchen staff in the kitchen where Jessie has joined them to spout some bull shit about oppression. Zack Morris tells her to fuck off but she says he doesn’t know what it’s like to be oppressed. Zack Morris reminds her that he’s the racial minority between the two of them and, also, that Jessie is a privileged sack of shit sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong. Jessie decides to speak on behalf of a group of people who haven’t asked her to speak on behalf of them and demands the raise by 3:00 or they strike.

Zack Morris and Stacey walk to the beach long enough for Stacey to decide the kitchen staff is trying to take advantage of her and they can’t do that because she’s mother fucking Stacey Carosi!
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After they leave, we rejoin Screech in his insanity, and Lisa decides to join him because she found out the coin was real. They start digging random holes in the sand and the three surfer guys in the background decide all this random digging looks like so much fun they want to dig with their surfboards. All this activity brings Kelly back over, who continues to obsess over hole digging. Also, Screech hasn’t worked once this episode. Why hasn’t Stacey fired his stupid ass yet?

The kitchen staff is fed up with Jessie’s paternalistic meddling and agree with Slater that they’ll agree not to strike as long as they make happen to her what happened to her predecessor from Good Morning, Miss Bliss. Before Slater can relay the message, Stacey comes in and goes all exaggerated bitch mode on them.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h35m00s188

They get pissed off and sit down for a rousing game of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Kelly comes into the kitchen still obsessing over holes, especially since she realized she has nine of them on her body. Wait, if Slater is being the token Latino and Kelly is obsessing over holes, who the hell is life guarding? Well, I guess little Timmy won’t be living to see another school year!
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Anyway, Kelly drags Zack Morris and Stacey on the beach, where more holes are being dug! Oh, the humanity! Won’t someone think of the poor sand!vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h35m52s198

Screech and Lisa even drive some heavy construction equipment onto the beach. Now this one is your own fault, Stacey, for not having those two maniacs arrested for endangering the lives of other beach goers by bringing heavy equipment where it doesn’t belong.

Stacey is overcome with anxiety because she decides they can’t hold the Richter party on the beach after so many holes were dug because it would be too logical to, I don’t know, put the construction equipment to good use and fill the holes again before the party arrives. Zack Morris decides that, since old people don’t matter, they’ll just kick the Thornhills’ party out at seven and movie Jennie’s birthday party in at eight.

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The staff naturally volunteer themselves to do the cooking and the striking kitchen staff was nice enough to move over to a corner to make room for them after they had their sippy cups and nap time.

vlcsnap-2014-11-07-23h16m05s153Of course, the gang suck ass at being cooks and everything they make falls apart, which makes the striking kitchen staff very happy.
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They even manage to make a “Bavarian chocolate cake” that self collapses in the middle.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h38m14s91

After watching the gang fail spectacularly for a few minutes, the kitchen staff are all, “This episode isn’t going to end unless we intervene, is it?” They go ahead and cook both dinners for the gang because…plot, and the gang is happy.

Now it’s time to pull off both party and, wouldn’t you know it, the Thornhills are such greedy bastards they want the full night for their party like they paid for it or something! Jessie tries to stall Mr. Richter and Jennie but they’re all, “Get out of our way, you stupid, annoying future soft-core porn star!” vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h41m19s139

They come in and are all, “Why are these old people here?” Wait, these were the people Mr. Richter had to fly in from all over the world? Does she not know anyone in California? There’s only like six people there! Anyway, Zack Morris tries to spout a bunch of bull shit to both groups but Dumbass comes in with the coats for the Thornhill party and spills everything. Seriously, coats…in Southern California…in the summer time…did the writers not think this one through much?
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The gang decide to fix things by getting every lady and man boner in the room erect, which includes Zack Morris dancing with Jennie and Stacey giving Mr. Thornhill’s hopes up. Mr. Thornhill does look a little too excited to simply be dancing with someone old enough to be his granddaughter. I guess Mrs. Thornhill hasn’t been giving him sucky sucky lately.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h44m36s61

Mr. Carosi comes in and is distressed to learn he sucks at being a businessman. He apologizes to both parties for the mistake but they say it’s okay because they were just getting ready to start the orgy when he came in.vlcsnap-2014-11-07-21h45m59s124Stacey convinces Mr. Carosi to give the kitchen staff a raise and Mr. Carosi goes off to walk the beach to think about how one dimensional he is as a character. Everyone continues awkwardly dancing around Zack Morris and Stacey as a slow song comes on and our episode ends with Mr. Carosi nearly breaking his neck on one of the holes on the beach because he apparently doesn’t bother looking down when he’s walking outside.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 18: “Breaking Up”

Remember how a few weeks ago we all completely hated “The Aftermath” because of how shallow of a conclusion it was to Zack Morris and Kelly breaking up? Well, now the writers of The New Class have their hands on it and…the result is completely expected.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h37m17s137

We open with the camera focusing an uncomfortably long time on this girl who we’ve never met. Gee, I wonder if she’s going to have something to do with this episode? Nah, couldn’t possibly.
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Anyway, Tommy D and Lindsay walk into The Max and exposit that the girl is…Brian’s younger sister, Katie. Wait…what the hell…Brian’s supposed to be a foreign exchange student, not a part of a refugee family. What the hell is his sister doing in L.A.? Of course, seeing how little the writers of this show have already demonstrated they know about Switzerland, I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought it was a war-torn hell hole in the middle of Africa.

Tommy D wants to play video games but Katie and the extra who need not be named are hogging them so Lindsay goes over to ask if Katie minds if Tommy D plays video games with her, which I can only assume is euphemism for, “Will you give my boyfriend an awesome blowjob since I’m too frigid to touch his manly parts?” Katie is all, “Bring on the one who’s been given the most new character traits this year but is still the most boring member of the cast!”

Wait…Katie just spoke in an American accent…

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! They’re not even trying to make her sound Swiss! Who the hell is this girl?

Anyway, Tommy D distracted by Katie gives Lindsay time to go over and remind the rest of the gang that Tommy D’s birthday is coming up. No one can afford to buy him a present, though.
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Just then, Milton and nerd sidekick of the episode, Clarence, walk in randomly shooting people for a Bayside archive video, and they’re annoying the shit out of everyone by just shoving the camera in their faces. Rachel even says they followed her in the girl’s locker room, which isn’t just annoying but criminal. Don’t worry, though: instead of calling the police, she sprayed them with perfume.

Brian gets the idea to make a video for Tommy D for his birthday as a surprise. To facilitate this, Brian tells Milton and Clarence that Mr. Belding hates having his face videotaped.

We then enter Mr. Belding’s office where the writers copy and pasted a conversation from last season between Mr. Belding, Scott, and Weasel. In this version of the conversation, Brian and Bobby convince Mr. Belding that Brian was a kick ass videographer back in Switzerland. They also tell Mr. Belding that Milton and Clarence suck ass.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h44m40s215

Milton and Clarence come in and shoot everything but Mr. Belding because they took their stupid pills today. Apparently it’s completely normal to barge in when the principal is having a meeting with other students and just start shooting. Mr. Belding tells them they suck ass and give the job to Brian and Bobby. Also, God must be making up for the ranch episodes because Screech is not in this episode. Mr. Belding says he’s off at a seminar on “Chalk Dust Pollution.” Five dollars says it’s just him talking with his blowup doll, Jessie’s Little House on the Prairie doll, and Emmanuel Lewis in a Shirley Temple outfit. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h46m01s250

Brian’s strangely affectionate with Katie as he asks her to go into the auto shop and get Tommy D talking about cars. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h46m13s124

See, Bobby’s hiding in the trash can so he can secretly video tape Tommy D and Katie’s conversation. Wow, the video taping in this episode is getting stalkerish. Anyway, Katie knows lots about cars despite the fact that she’s a girl, but since Jessie’s not around to go on a feminist rant, she just spills oil on Tommy D. Tommy D wipes it up with a cloth and throws it away in the same trash can Bobby’s in. Now let me put on my best Ben Stein voice as I say, “Oh, how hilarious.” vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h48m17s80

Brian films Lindsay at Tommy D’s locker because she wants to show off that he has a head shot of Natalia Cigliuti in his locker. Also, they make a huge deal over Tommy D giving Lindsay the combination on their first date, which I assume is euphemism for mild hand holding knowing Lindsay.

Tommy D comes around and Bobby hides in a trash can to keep shooting Tommy D secretly.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h49m33s73

He’s with Katie, though, and the audience loses their shit as the writers decide two scenes together are more than enough for Tommy D and Katie to fall in love. Brian and Bobby, meanwhile, have a hernia that Tommy D is the Kelly of this show.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h49m49s229

At The Max, Brian and Bobby show Megan and Rachel the footage of Tommy D getting to first base with Katie. They’re utterly shocked that more than one girl could find Tommy D attractive. Lindsay comes in and says she wants to throw Tommy D a surprise birthday party where they’ll show him the video. She leaves just as fast as she entered and the four decide the only thing to do is make Tommy D and Katie unattractive to each other.
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Step one is for Brian and Bobby to convince Tommy D that Katie is as much a whore as he is. This random student tells them that all these love letters are from Katie because she’s more obsessed than the woman from Misery.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h56m03s115

Meanwhile, Latino Vanilla Ice here tells Tommy D that Katie has the hots for the way he says, “Ice, ice baby.” Finally, Bobby gets Katie to tell him the name of a certain Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard really loudly.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h56m42s3

Since Tommy D is a moron, he doesn’t realize no one finds Bobby attractive since Bobby’s only done one non-idiotic thing in his life. vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h57m28s208

At The Max, Rachel and Megan do their best impression of being sad, which resembles cats in heat more than being sad. They convince Katie that Lindsay is dying and hasn’t told Tommy D and she really wanted the party to be a last gesture.
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Brian is equally unconvincing at emoting sadness and looks like he’s about to throw up, but Katie’s not very bright either, as evidenced by the fact she likes Tommy D.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-19h58m28s47

The final cog in the plan is for Lindsay to come out wearing an “I Love Tommy” t-shirt that Rachel covered in cat hair since Lindsay is apparently allergic to cats. Lindsay starts coughing and this is enough anecdotal evidence for Katie to buy the bullshit story.

At Bayside, Tommy D and Katie decide not to date because they’re both idiots who believed the elaborate ruses set for them. Bobby sees this and reports it to the rest of the gang, who wish there had been some easier way to have taken care of all this, like maybe telling Lindsay her boyfriend is a whore. They decide to go off and watch the video tape.
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Right at that exact moment, Milton and Clarence come down the stairs and decide to invite Mr. Belding to Tommy D’s part, telling him the video will be shown there. Of course, this is really Milton and Clarence’s nefarious plan to get revenge on Brian and Bobby by having Mr. Belding show up to sexually harass everyone.
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Lindsay tells Tommy D she’s cooking a dinner for him but Tommy D doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday, which must mean something is wrong! They keep up an exchange of bad acting for about a minute until Tommy D decides to go to the dinner after all. Lindsay’s all, “Something’s wrong! It has to be! Something’s always wrong when Tommy D falls back into bad acting!”vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h01m32s88

At the party, Lindsay is all, “Tommy D be acting all whack, yo!” vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h02m16s9

Before she can discover anything, Tommy D shows up and is all surprised and shit by the surprise and shit.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h03m13s72

Tommy D and Lindsay dance all half-heartedly and stuff until Katie walks in and gives Tommy D a present. Tommy D, because he’s a complete idiot, gives Katie a kiss right there directly in front of Lindsay. As Lindsay tries to wrap her head around the shit going down in front of her, the rest of the gang decide it’s time to show Tommy D his video. Lindsay, meanwhile, drags Megan and Rachel out so they can tell her off-screen about Tommy D and Katie.
vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h03m55s236 Mr. Belding comes walking right into Lindsay’s house because everyone in this universe walks in houses without permission. Mr. Belding takes about thirty seconds to realize it’s not a video about Bayside but a birthday video for Tommy D. Mr. Belding’s not pissed or anything but tells Brian and Bobby they’ll have to redo the video after school the next two weeks. What exactly was the point of that subplot? Just to give Mr. Belding something to do?
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Lindsay drags Tommy D outside to perform the second most unintentionally hilarious scene of the season after the whole anorexia blackout scene. See, Lindsay’s sad, then she’s sadder, then she’s just upset that the relationship is over and she’s all, “But dating you is my one thing with Scott gone! What is my character going to do now that my boyfriend is a hoe bag!” They break up because Tommy D is so in love with Katie, which is why she’ll never be seen or mentioned in this series again. Seriously, at least Saved by the Bell did another episode with Jeff to show he was a slut bag too. But, yeah, Natalia Cigliuti and Jonathan Angel’s acting in this scene is horrendously awful.vlcsnap-2014-10-30-20h07m20s252And our episode ends with Tommy D and Lindsay embracing as they wait for season three to come upon them so they have something else to do.

So, this is the episode that completely fucks up this season’s timeline. Tommy D and Lindsay are dating in the country club and ranch episodes. Brian and Rachel are not dating in the school episodes. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in between seasons one and two because Screech is there and he was definitely not there before “The Return of Screech,” in which Brian and Rachel are not dating. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in the summer after the season two school episodes since Tommy D and Lindsay are now no longer a couple and since there will be cast changes at the beginning of season three. So…you figure it out. When the hell do all these episodes take place?

All I can say is bon voyage to the couple I never cared about and apparently neither did the writers of this show either. Also, I’m still confused why Brian has a sister with an American accent.

Firsts: Tommy D and Lindsay break up.

 

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 9: “Fake ID’s”

vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h12m50s117 Today the gang are taking a photography class and it looks like Screech has found his subject. If he can’t have Zack Morris, at least he can have a consolation prize!vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h14m06s106

Zack Morris, meanwhile, finds his photographic inspiration in stalking random college girls who wander into The Max because they have a flat tire. This is Danielle, and Zack Morris not only changes her tire for her but does the romantic thing and lies that he’s in college so that maybe she will take his cursed virginity. She is so grateful she invites him to The Attic, an over-18 dance club. Don’t worry, though. Zack Morris has a plan to get in.

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For some reason, Mr. Belding is the photography teacher. Seriously. There’s not even an explanation that the regular teacher is out. He’s just there because principals have so much time to teach random classes when the producers are too cheap to hire another actor. Oh, and, in case you forgot about Kelly’s whoring ways, Mr. Belding sums it up for us by first staring longingly at Jeff and then recapping the events of “The Last Dance” and “The Aftermath” with Lisa.
vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h20m20s2 Meanwhile, Screech makes fake IDs for the guys but he’s such a moron he lists Zack Morris’s age as 54. Why does anyone trust Screech with anything? I mean, seriously, Screech is beyond an idiot at this point.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h20m41s229 The plan is for the boys to sleep over at Zack Morris’s house and then sneak out after his parents go to bed. Here are the boys looking as innocent as actors on Saved by the Bell can pretend to be.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h20m56s117

And this woman with the Cybill Shepherd haircut is Melanie Morris, the woman unfortunate enough to have birthed Zack Morris. Screech is such an idiot that he almost blows the entire plan to Melanie. Melanie does a cursory search of Zack Morris’s room to make sure there are no women there to steal virginity, which I’m sure is something she has to do when Screech and Slater aren’t there as well, and, satisfied that her boy will remain pure another night, kisses him and leaves the room. The trio immediately strip their pajamas to reveal horrible looking clubbing clothes that look like they were designed by Ray Charles and depart for…vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h22m05s20

Welcome to The Attic, L.A.’s hottest dance club located exclusively on a reused set!vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h22m57s54

Our muscle bound bouncer here suddenly comes down with a case of Saved by the Bell-itis and can’t tell that Screech’s stupid fake ids are…fake. Zack Morris and Slater get in easily.
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Even with his fake id and fake mustache, though, even Saved by the Bell-itis can’t get Screech into The Attic until Rhonda Robistelli’s long lost older sister here grabs Screech and takes him off to be anally raped.
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Meanwhile, Danielle comes in and introduced Slater to her friends, Joan and Sandy.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h24m07s232

She then proceeds to molest Zack Morris up in the club. They go off to dance as Screech runs away from his new girlfriend because she’s masculine and strong and it’s funny. Slater spends the entire night telling Joan and Sandy all about Jessie until they decide they want to dope her up on caffeine pills and throw her off a bridge.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h26m52s83

By this point it’s 2:00 am and much past Screech’s bed time. It’s time for Slater to tuck him in bed and read him a bedtime story about how one day he’ll get a job at Bayside with a group of kids even more idiotic than their own gang.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h27m16s64

Before they can leave, though, they spot Jeff with a girl who is definitely not Kelly. Who would have thought: the guy who dates girls who are stupid slutty whores is a stupid slutty whore himself.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h27m33s247

Needless to say, the boys are jealous that Not-Kelly got to kiss Jeff before they could.

At school, the boys are half asleep and the girls are bored out of their minds when Mr. Belding starts showing random pictures of his wife. Mrs. Belding apparently resembles a killer whale as Kelly mistakes her for Shamu because fat people are automatically comical. Kelly shows her newest photo of Jeff to Mr. Belding, which just happens to be the exact same photo of Jeff from earlier in the episode, the very one that’s hanging on the wall in the background in this scene. Is there such a thing as self photo plagiarism?vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h29m39s210

After class, the boys reveal they saw Jeff at The Attic. Zack Morris reveals they got in using fake ids.
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Jessie is all, “Feminism! Patriarchal society! Somehow fake ids make me really upset despite the fact they have nothing to do with my psuedo-feminism!” The gang naturally decide the best person to tell Kelly that Jeff is cheating on her is the guy that Kelly cheated on.
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Zack Morris is all, “Hey, whore bag! Paybacks are hell, huh?” Kelly’s all, “You’re just jealous of the guy I cheated on you with! How dare you point out that my boyfriend is a slut just like me!”

Zack Morris storms out and Jeff comes out, who’s suddenly very non-committal about a date with Kelly. Jeff promises Kelly they’ll have a date to themselves as soon as he’s had his experience of being scummy just like her.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h31m55s59 Meanwhile, Zack Morris piles it on as much as possible hoping that Danielle will yet take his burden away from him. They set a date for Saturday night at The Attic since it’s the only place in L.A. to hang out, and hang up as Melanie comes in Zack Morris’s room. Melanie wants Zack Morris to go with his parents to see Peter, Paul, and Mary because if there’s anything kids in the ’90s loved it was seeing ’60s folk bands with their parents. Zack Morris politely declines on account of he wants to get lucky Saturday night but promises to bring him a hot souvenir.

At school, Screech makes fake ids for Jessie and Lisa with the intention that they will join the boys on Saturday to try and catch Jeff being a scum bag and take a photo.
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After the rest leave, Kelly comes in and actually does the sensible thing, asking Screech if it’s true that Jeff is a scummy ho. Screech starts crying at the knowledge that the eternally loved Jeff-Kelly pairing is about to be broken up after eight whole episodes and Kelly knows that karma’s biting her in her lady boner.

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At The Attic, Screech dresses as a member of ZZ Top to fool his man-woman, but she won’t be dissuaded or fooled since every girl’s crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h35m24s97

Melanie, meanwhile, brings Zack Morris back a hot Peter, Paul, and Mary poster for him to put up on his wall next to all the other ’60s folk singers. Just then, Zack Morris’s cell phone, which he apparently conveniently forgot at home for the first time in his life, rings. Melanie answers it to hear Danielle tell her that she’ll be late to the over-18 dance club where she plans to deflower Melanie’s son.

Zack Morris is paranoid watching for Danielle and keeps cock blocking Lisa. Right as Lisa is about to storm off to find some tail of her own, she spots Jeff with Not-Kelly and lets the rest of the gang know, who are prepared to bound and gag him and send him off to be raped by green skinned alien women. Before they can, though, Kelly walks in. For some reason, the gang try to prevent her from seeing her scummy boyfriend but then they’re all, “Fuck it. Its almost time for the episode to be over. Let’s get this over with!”
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Kelly walks over and asks Jeff how he could be a lying cheating scum whore after she was a lying cheating scum whore to Zack Morris. Jeff is all, “Kelly, you’re a naive moron for dating a molestery guy like me in the first place.” Kelly’s all, “Oh yeah! Well, one day I’ll marry the guy I cheated on to date you so I really have no lasting consequences! So goodbye forever until I see you at work tomorrow!” She storms off muttering that’s what she gets for dating a guy who could be replaced by William Shatner.vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h38m19s40

Kelly apologizes to Zack Morris for not believing that cheating hos attract and goes off to the restroom with Jessie and Lisa for some hot finger banging. Melanie comes in and finds the boys. She quickly figures out what happened and confiscates the fake ids. 
vlcsnap-2014-10-28-21h40m15s189As she drags them out of the club, Danielle finally walks in. Zack Morris begs his mother for some pussy time, but Melanie is hearing none of it as she doesn’t want this college whore puffing Zack Morris’s magic dragon. Melanie just looks on creepily while Zack Morris and Danielle kiss. She then drags the boys off for spankings and our episode ends with absolutely no consequences for the girls since Melanie didn’t have the predilection to go troll for anonymous tail like they did.

Firsts: Zack Morris’s mother (Melanie Morris).

The New Class Season 2, Episode 17: “Wanna Bet?”

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*sigh* God hates me so the writers of The New Class decided you could never have enough of a horrible, awful thing. As a result, we’re still at the god damned ranch this week. Fuck my life.
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In case you ever wanted to see Dustin Diamond sleeping, The New Class writers decided to fulfill your wish. He’s probably still dating Lisa in his head after all these years and the obsession has progressed to his dreams.

Mr. Belding, for whatever reason, decided it would be a good idea for his sanity if he slept in the same room as Screech. Our non-hero wakes Mr. Belding up at 4:50 in the morning and, though the magic of exposition, informs us that Uncle Lester and Clint left for a rodeo. Since they don’t care about the possibility of their rodeo being blown up or burnt down or commandeered by federal agents, they left Screech in charge because plot. Screech is in charge of organizing the big square dance because, once again, plot, and guilts Mr. Belding into helping him by talking incessantly as Mr. Belding tries to sleep. God, Screech is an asshole.
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It’s time for breakfast and Megan spots these two guys who just randomly wandered unto the ranch apparently. Also, she sprouts a lady boner for the one on the left because all girls in the Saved by the Bell universe think statutory rape is hot. Turns out this is Bo and Travis. The two sit down with our gang for breakfast, where the best pick up line Megan can think of is that Bo’s tie is beautiful. Bo immediately does the logical thing and takes his tie off to give to Megan. Bobby sees this and hopes he can flirt with Travis for his boots, but Travis is in no way interested in being the pitcher for a one season character.
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Bo offers to take Megan for a morning ride and she hopes this means she will finally be able to join the ranks of statutory rape victims from this universe. Instead, Bo has a merry-go-round in mind where the two sit and exposit about how the gang earned lots of money at the country club over the summer and how, even more amazingly, they haven’t spent it all on hookers and blow yet.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h23m43s153 Megan and Bo join Travis where he’s sucking ass at playing horseshoes with Tommy D and Bobby. Bo bets $20 he’ll get a ringer while Travis encourages Tommy D and Bobby to bet against him. Bo sucks at life, though, and doesn’t even get close.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h25m05s204

Screech, meanwhile, drives Mr. Belding crazy with all the power that’s gone to his penis from being in charge of square dancing. You can see it in Mr. Belding’s eyes: he’s finally going to snap and rid us of the most annoying character that was ever thrust on us in this universe long after he’d worn out his welcome.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h25m48s122

In case there wasn’t enough creepiness for you in this episode, Screech pairs Mr. Belding with Lindsay so he can practice his square dance call, and it’s quite obvious that Screech has never seen a square dance in his life as he encourages the duo to do things during the square dance like fuck like jackrabbits and eat Miss Bliss’s cooch. Mr. Belding is like, “This is bullshit!” and quits before he can have any further charges brought against him.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h26m44s175

Brian and Rachel beat Bo and Travis in ping pong, and, in case you forgot they’re shoving this damned relationship down our throats, Brian and Rachel remind us with a victory make out session.
vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h28m42s44Bo and Travis are all, “I want in on that action!” Bo and Travis invite the gang for a poker game that evening, and Bobby utters the single stupidest line of the season: “If you guys play poker like you play horseshoes and ping pong, deal me in!” Yes, because no one was ever good at poker who couldn’t play horseshoes and ping pong. It’s like a prerequisite. God, I want to slap Bobby right now. After the gang leave, Bo and Travis exposit the obvious in case you’ve been living in a cave the last hundred years and didn’t pick up on a television cliche: they’re hustlers and they’re trying to get all the money the gang earned at the country club. No! Tell me it ain’t so!vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h28m58s219

Our gang decide the best way to practice for the big game is to play poker with each other using cookies. Brian’s a dumb ass and agreed to play poker despite the fact he doesn’t even know the names of the various cards. Brian would rather have Rachel’s cookies it seems. Mr. Belding comes up and lectures the gang on the evils of gambling but the others are all, “Fuck that old man! We do what we want!”
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Nearby, Screech employs Lindsay to be his communicator with Mr. Belding. Lindsay tells Mr. Belding that Screech isn’t speaking to him and won’t do his laundry anymore. Why…was Screech touching Mr. Belding’s underwear to begin with?

It’s time for the poker game and I won’t bore you with the details since poker games aren’t exactly the stuff of riveting television, especially on The New Class. Bo and Travis purposely let the gang win at first but then, in writing cliche 5423, Bo and Travis win all the gang’s money.
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Screech, who’s wearing underwear from the ’30s, engages in writing cliche 4356, pushing a line of yellow tape down the floor when you’re mad at someone and then not having access to all the things you need. Will someone please tell this show to do something for fuck’s sake!

After a commercial break, the gang changes into cliched cowboy clothes and bemoans the fact they were idiots. Megan actually says something reasonable by reminding them that they were the ones who kept playing. The gang decide the best way to cheer up is to engage in a form of dancing forced upon American elementary school students at an age when girls are still icky: square dancing.

Bo and Travis come in because Bo is feeling a bit horny. Megan tries to convince Bo to give the gang their money back but Bo says another reasonable thing: that the gang would have had no problem taking their money had the roles been reversed. Seriously, they have no idea that Bo and Travis are hustlers. We’re supposed to be pissed at Bo and Travis because we know they’re hustlers, but the gang are just being whiny cry babies. Megan is all, “That makes you an asshole that my friends are idiots!”

Mr. Belding rushes in and tells Screech that the sheriff sent a fax that two con men are cheating people at ranches. Seriously, are you sure it was a fax and not a telegram? I know how this universe likes telegrams. Mr. Belding assumes that Bo and Travis are the cheaters since they’re the only other two with speaking roles this week.
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Mr. Belding sends Megan to call the police and decides he and Screech need to distract Bo and Travis until the sheriff gets there. Screech decides the best way to handle this is to creepily hit on Travis, but Mr. Belding decides to challenge the duo to a poker game.

Their plan rests on the fact that Screech is a complete dumb ass at life and keeps doing stupid things like showing Bo and Travis his card and throwing the cards around the room. vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h42m35s204

Screech’s stupidity distracts them long enough for the sheriff to arrive and Travis is like, “That’s what we get for hanging around people from The New Class!” The gang swear off gambling because there’s not a single bit of honest fun that can ever come from it, and our episode ends with our stupid, stupid cast members looking self-congratulatory.vlcsnap-2014-10-26-22h43m25s197And, now, let us never speak of Gold Canyon Ranch again, as I’m sure it will soon be forgotten by the writers.