We open with Mr. Carosi telling the staff that, for the end of the summer luau, it’s a tradition to make sand sculptures, though he hates them. He tells them that he wants them to make sure the sculpture isn’t boring and that the luau is after the unveiling of the sand sculptures. The gang are initially excited about the opportunity to get lots of tips, but Mr. Carosi tells them they have to give ten percent of their tips to him because…plot.
The gang is initially outraged until Stacey does some incredibly creepy things to her “Papa Bear” to get him to change his about the tips. Zack Morris, I hate to break this to you, but it seems like Stacey’s cheating on two men with you.
Apparently he didn’t really, though. It was just a rouse to get the extras out of the room so they could fuck on top of Screech’s underwear. Wait, since when is their relationship a secret? They haven’t exactly been discreet over the summer. It would have been nice if the writers had clued us, the audience, in to the fact that no one except the gang is supposed to know about them dating. There are times the plot holes of this show astound me.
Oh, THIS is why the writers suddenly decided that the relationship was a secret: they wanted an excuse for a conflict with Mr. Carosi! Because Mr. Carosi is completely clueless about signs that men are fucking his daughter, he apparently didn’t realize they were dating until he walked in on them kissing. Oh, writers, you are so predictable. Of course, it wouldn’t surprise me if this episode was the first filmed and they had no idea how Zack Morris and Stacey were going to play out the rest of the time.
Meanwhile, Slater and Kelly commemorate over how their jobs are awesome because they allow them the opportunity to pick up hot people. This is beginning to remind me of what it would be like if Johnny Bravo were a lifeguard.
Slater is apparently a whore as he willingly flexes for Mrs. Robinson here for tips. Yes, we have old people with no sense of personal boundaries hitting on high school students. How…disturbing.
Wait…I just realized…her name is Mrs. Robinson and she’s an older woman attracted to a younger man. If I didn’t think it was giving the writers of this show too much credit, I would think they were making a deliberate reference to The Graduate, but that would mean they’ve been watching good movies…
After Mrs. Robinson leaves, someone is kind enough to throw a frisbee at Slater to inform him that they have a secret crush on him. So THAT’S how you let your crush know you like them! Excuse me while I go to Amazon.com and buy all the frisbees they have.
Rusty from Full House runs up and tells Slater that someone is beating up his friend behind the concession stand. Once Slater goes to break up the fight, Rusty starts hitting on Kelly. Yes, if you ever wanted to see an episode where Rusty from Full House creepily hits on Kelly, then you’ve found your episode! Rusty gives Kelly his…business card…and implies that he wants her to come help him put his PJs on. Meanwhile, Jessie is given the task of designing the sculpture, a sand castle, and tell me why he drawing reminds me more of an Ah-Ha! video than a sand castle? Zack Morris decides to get all the members together to build one giant castle because…plot? Meanwhile, Mr. Carosi comes in and is disturbed to discover that Stacey has dared to disobey his parental authority and is still treating Zack Morris like a human being. They argue and Stacey decides to invite herself to move into Lisa’s house with the girls. It’s time to build the sand castle and Screech is being a dumb ass as usual. Rusty wants Kelly to go to his Little League banquet with him and Kelly’s all, “I don’t want to be like half the love interests in this franchise.” Rusty sulks off because she rejected him and Kelly suddenly feels bad that she doesn’t have pedophilia tendencies. Jessie pours salt in the wound by telling Kelly that Rusty will probably need lots of therapy to get over her. Gee, it’s nice to have friends who encourage you to do morally reprehensible things.
Meanwhile, someone crashes a radio controlled car into Slater’s leg. Yes, his secret admirer is still trying to hurt him. Boy, this is the most romantic person I’ve ever heard of! I’m going to go get a radio controlled car and start crashing it into people I like!
Zack Morris and Stacey are out for a romantic night on the beach but Stacey is distracted by the situation with her father and so she isn’t particularly perky for fucking. Zack Morris decides there’s only one thing to to.
Back at Malibu Sands, Zack Morris tries to talk to Mr. Carosi and explain to him the situation that Stacey is his property now. Mr. Carosi is all, “Fuck off. She’ll always be my property!” and storms off.
Mr. Carosi goes on the war path by harassing the kitchen staff since they still had a kitchen set lying around only used once. Zack Morris comes in and tells him it’s time for the staff photo and Stacey wants him in the photo. He decides this is opportunity to reclaim his property.
Meanwhile, Jessie tells Stacey Mr. Carosi wants her in the staff photo. The staff, which has suddenly shrunk in number, gather, and Zack Morris moves people around until Mr. Carosi and Stacey are standing next to each other.
Next the rest of the staff leave so Mr. Carosi and Stacey will start talking. They realize they’re the victims of a Zack Morris scheme and make up with Mr. Carosi declaring Zack Morris can have her after all.1 And they finally take the picture of the staff. I swear if this is all the people it takes to run this club, it must be the suckiest club on Earth.
It’s time for the unveiling of the sand castle and…assuming this castle is actually made out of sand and isn’t just a cheap styrofoam piece, it’s a sweet looking castle. Okay so it is probably a cheap looking styrofoam piece, but it’s still a surprisingly nice design for Saved by the Bell.
It even has a drawbridge, a moat with running water, and a radio controlled tank that I assume will fire at Slater’s leg any moment.
But it turns out that the girl was faking it and really Slater’s secret admirer the entire time. She says she was scared Slater wouldn’t like her and Slater’s all, “Of course I like you! You have a vagina and you’re not old!”
At the luau, Kelly’s dancing with Screech out of sympathy since Screech’s dance moves look like the dying movements of a fish dumped out of water. Jessie thanks Lisa for her parents’ tip and Screech is jealous since he assume tip means blow job. Lisa gives Screech a coconut and tells him to go shove it up his ass.
Slater introduces the gang to Cynthia, his secret admirer. Zack Morris says it’s too bad it took them all summer to get together, but Slater tells him it’s okay because Cynthia just moved there and will be going to Bayside. Sorry to break it to you, Slater, but if she’s not in the opening credits, she doesn’t matter in this universe.
Mr. Carosi comes out and thanks the staff for a wonderful summer. For some reason, a beach club in southern California has to close when it’s not summer, but logic is so hard to find around this universe that I should probably let it slide.
Mr. Carosi approaches Zack Morris and asks him to please come back next year so he won’t fall into the ambiguous zone with Miss Bliss, Mikey, Nikki, and Max. Zack Morris tells him he’s love to as long as he’s not spending next summer preparing for a spin-off show.
Stacey’s preparing to leave in like five minutes. No, I’m serious. She’s quite literally just sitting around for her last few minutes in LA. They whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears and promise to see each other again unless the writers forget she ever existed except for a lame ass clip episode in the final season.
Zack Morris stands alone on the beach, thinking about how he’s going to get his next piece of tail, when his friends join him.And our episode ends with the six people that matter in the Saved by the Bell universe walking off arm in arm, finally ready for that big orgy.
Other than the lame subplots involving Slater’s secret admirer and Rusty hitting on Kelly, this is actually a really good episode and a fitting conclusion to the Malibu Sands episodes. Really, though, couldn’t the writers have told us Zack Morris and Stacey’s relationship was supposed to be secret, and then actually made it secret? After all, it would have made the beginning of this episode so much less confusing.