In case you ever wanted to see Dustin Diamond sleeping, The New Class writers decided to fulfill your wish. He’s probably still dating Lisa in his head after all these years and the obsession has progressed to his dreams.
Mr. Belding, for whatever reason, decided it would be a good idea for his sanity if he slept in the same room as Screech. Our non-hero wakes Mr. Belding up at 4:50 in the morning and, though the magic of exposition, informs us that Uncle Lester and Clint left for a rodeo. Since they don’t care about the possibility of their rodeo being blown up or burnt down or commandeered by federal agents, they left Screech in charge because plot. Screech is in charge of organizing the big square dance because, once again, plot, and guilts Mr. Belding into helping him by talking incessantly as Mr. Belding tries to sleep. God, Screech is an asshole.
It’s time for breakfast and Megan spots these two guys who just randomly wandered unto the ranch apparently. Also, she sprouts a lady boner for the one on the left because all girls in the Saved by the Bell universe think statutory rape is hot. Turns out this is Bo and Travis. The two sit down with our gang for breakfast, where the best pick up line Megan can think of is that Bo’s tie is beautiful. Bo immediately does the logical thing and takes his tie off to give to Megan. Bobby sees this and hopes he can flirt with Travis for his boots, but Travis is in no way interested in being the pitcher for a one season character.
Bo offers to take Megan for a morning ride and she hopes this means she will finally be able to join the ranks of statutory rape victims from this universe. Instead, Bo has a merry-go-round in mind where the two sit and exposit about how the gang earned lots of money at the country club over the summer and how, even more amazingly, they haven’t spent it all on hookers and blow yet. Megan and Bo join Travis where he’s sucking ass at playing horseshoes with Tommy D and Bobby. Bo bets $20 he’ll get a ringer while Travis encourages Tommy D and Bobby to bet against him. Bo sucks at life, though, and doesn’t even get close.
Screech, meanwhile, drives Mr. Belding crazy with all the power that’s gone to his penis from being in charge of square dancing. You can see it in Mr. Belding’s eyes: he’s finally going to snap and rid us of the most annoying character that was ever thrust on us in this universe long after he’d worn out his welcome.
In case there wasn’t enough creepiness for you in this episode, Screech pairs Mr. Belding with Lindsay so he can practice his square dance call, and it’s quite obvious that Screech has never seen a square dance in his life as he encourages the duo to do things during the square dance like fuck like jackrabbits and eat Miss Bliss’s cooch. Mr. Belding is like, “This is bullshit!” and quits before he can have any further charges brought against him.
Brian and Rachel beat Bo and Travis in ping pong, and, in case you forgot they’re shoving this damned relationship down our throats, Brian and Rachel remind us with a victory make out session.
Bo and Travis are all, “I want in on that action!” Bo and Travis invite the gang for a poker game that evening, and Bobby utters the single stupidest line of the season: “If you guys play poker like you play horseshoes and ping pong, deal me in!” Yes, because no one was ever good at poker who couldn’t play horseshoes and ping pong. It’s like a prerequisite. God, I want to slap Bobby right now. After the gang leave, Bo and Travis exposit the obvious in case you’ve been living in a cave the last hundred years and didn’t pick up on a television cliche: they’re hustlers and they’re trying to get all the money the gang earned at the country club. No! Tell me it ain’t so!
Our gang decide the best way to practice for the big game is to play poker with each other using cookies. Brian’s a dumb ass and agreed to play poker despite the fact he doesn’t even know the names of the various cards. Brian would rather have Rachel’s cookies it seems. Mr. Belding comes up and lectures the gang on the evils of gambling but the others are all, “Fuck that old man! We do what we want!”
Nearby, Screech employs Lindsay to be his communicator with Mr. Belding. Lindsay tells Mr. Belding that Screech isn’t speaking to him and won’t do his laundry anymore. Why…was Screech touching Mr. Belding’s underwear to begin with?
It’s time for the poker game and I won’t bore you with the details since poker games aren’t exactly the stuff of riveting television, especially on The New Class. Bo and Travis purposely let the gang win at first but then, in writing cliche 5423, Bo and Travis win all the gang’s money.
Screech, who’s wearing underwear from the ’30s, engages in writing cliche 4356, pushing a line of yellow tape down the floor when you’re mad at someone and then not having access to all the things you need. Will someone please tell this show to do something for fuck’s sake!
After a commercial break, the gang changes into cliched cowboy clothes and bemoans the fact they were idiots. Megan actually says something reasonable by reminding them that they were the ones who kept playing. The gang decide the best way to cheer up is to engage in a form of dancing forced upon American elementary school students at an age when girls are still icky: square dancing.
Bo and Travis come in because Bo is feeling a bit horny. Megan tries to convince Bo to give the gang their money back but Bo says another reasonable thing: that the gang would have had no problem taking their money had the roles been reversed. Seriously, they have no idea that Bo and Travis are hustlers. We’re supposed to be pissed at Bo and Travis because we know they’re hustlers, but the gang are just being whiny cry babies. Megan is all, “That makes you an asshole that my friends are idiots!”
Mr. Belding rushes in and tells Screech that the sheriff sent a fax that two con men are cheating people at ranches. Seriously, are you sure it was a fax and not a telegram? I know how this universe likes telegrams. Mr. Belding assumes that Bo and Travis are the cheaters since they’re the only other two with speaking roles this week.
Mr. Belding sends Megan to call the police and decides he and Screech need to distract Bo and Travis until the sheriff gets there. Screech decides the best way to handle this is to creepily hit on Travis, but Mr. Belding decides to challenge the duo to a poker game.
Screech’s stupidity distracts them long enough for the sheriff to arrive and Travis is like, “That’s what we get for hanging around people from The New Class!” The gang swear off gambling because there’s not a single bit of honest fun that can ever come from it, and our episode ends with our stupid, stupid cast members looking self-congratulatory.And, now, let us never speak of Gold Canyon Ranch again, as I’m sure it will soon be forgotten by the writers.