Zack Morris, meanwhile, finds his photographic inspiration in stalking random college girls who wander into The Max because they have a flat tire. This is Danielle, and Zack Morris not only changes her tire for her but does the romantic thing and lies that he’s in college so that maybe she will take his cursed virginity. She is so grateful she invites him to The Attic, an over-18 dance club. Don’t worry, though. Zack Morris has a plan to get in.
For some reason, Mr. Belding is the photography teacher. Seriously. There’s not even an explanation that the regular teacher is out. He’s just there because principals have so much time to teach random classes when the producers are too cheap to hire another actor. Oh, and, in case you forgot about Kelly’s whoring ways, Mr. Belding sums it up for us by first staring longingly at Jeff and then recapping the events of “The Last Dance” and “The Aftermath” with Lisa.
Meanwhile, Screech makes fake IDs for the guys but he’s such a moron he lists Zack Morris’s age as 54. Why does anyone trust Screech with anything? I mean, seriously, Screech is beyond an idiot at this point. The plan is for the boys to sleep over at Zack Morris’s house and then sneak out after his parents go to bed. Here are the boys looking as innocent as actors on Saved by the Bell can pretend to be.
And this woman with the Cybill Shepherd haircut is Melanie Morris, the woman unfortunate enough to have birthed Zack Morris. Screech is such an idiot that he almost blows the entire plan to Melanie. Melanie does a cursory search of Zack Morris’s room to make sure there are no women there to steal virginity, which I’m sure is something she has to do when Screech and Slater aren’t there as well, and, satisfied that her boy will remain pure another night, kisses him and leaves the room. The trio immediately strip their pajamas to reveal horrible looking clubbing clothes that look like they were designed by Ray Charles and depart for…
Even with his fake id and fake mustache, though, even Saved by the Bell-itis can’t get Screech into The Attic until Rhonda Robistelli’s long lost older sister here grabs Screech and takes him off to be anally raped.
She then proceeds to molest Zack Morris up in the club. They go off to dance as Screech runs away from his new girlfriend because she’s masculine and strong and it’s funny. Slater spends the entire night telling Joan and Sandy all about Jessie until they decide they want to dope her up on caffeine pills and throw her off a bridge.
By this point it’s 2:00 am and much past Screech’s bed time. It’s time for Slater to tuck him in bed and read him a bedtime story about how one day he’ll get a job at Bayside with a group of kids even more idiotic than their own gang.
Needless to say, the boys are jealous that Not-Kelly got to kiss Jeff before they could.
At school, the boys are half asleep and the girls are bored out of their minds when Mr. Belding starts showing random pictures of his wife. Mrs. Belding apparently resembles a killer whale as Kelly mistakes her for Shamu because fat people are automatically comical. Kelly shows her newest photo of Jeff to Mr. Belding, which just happens to be the exact same photo of Jeff from earlier in the episode, the very one that’s hanging on the wall in the background in this scene. Is there such a thing as self photo plagiarism?
Jessie is all, “Feminism! Patriarchal society! Somehow fake ids make me really upset despite the fact they have nothing to do with my psuedo-feminism!” The gang naturally decide the best person to tell Kelly that Jeff is cheating on her is the guy that Kelly cheated on.
Zack Morris is all, “Hey, whore bag! Paybacks are hell, huh?” Kelly’s all, “You’re just jealous of the guy I cheated on you with! How dare you point out that my boyfriend is a slut just like me!”
Zack Morris storms out and Jeff comes out, who’s suddenly very non-committal about a date with Kelly. Jeff promises Kelly they’ll have a date to themselves as soon as he’s had his experience of being scummy just like her. Meanwhile, Zack Morris piles it on as much as possible hoping that Danielle will yet take his burden away from him. They set a date for Saturday night at The Attic since it’s the only place in L.A. to hang out, and hang up as Melanie comes in Zack Morris’s room. Melanie wants Zack Morris to go with his parents to see Peter, Paul, and Mary because if there’s anything kids in the ’90s loved it was seeing ’60s folk bands with their parents. Zack Morris politely declines on account of he wants to get lucky Saturday night but promises to bring him a hot souvenir.
After the rest leave, Kelly comes in and actually does the sensible thing, asking Screech if it’s true that Jeff is a scummy ho. Screech starts crying at the knowledge that the eternally loved Jeff-Kelly pairing is about to be broken up after eight whole episodes and Kelly knows that karma’s biting her in her lady boner.
Melanie, meanwhile, brings Zack Morris back a hot Peter, Paul, and Mary poster for him to put up on his wall next to all the other ’60s folk singers. Just then, Zack Morris’s cell phone, which he apparently conveniently forgot at home for the first time in his life, rings. Melanie answers it to hear Danielle tell her that she’ll be late to the over-18 dance club where she plans to deflower Melanie’s son.
Zack Morris is paranoid watching for Danielle and keeps cock blocking Lisa. Right as Lisa is about to storm off to find some tail of her own, she spots Jeff with Not-Kelly and lets the rest of the gang know, who are prepared to bound and gag him and send him off to be raped by green skinned alien women. Before they can, though, Kelly walks in. For some reason, the gang try to prevent her from seeing her scummy boyfriend but then they’re all, “Fuck it. Its almost time for the episode to be over. Let’s get this over with!”
Kelly walks over and asks Jeff how he could be a lying cheating scum whore after she was a lying cheating scum whore to Zack Morris. Jeff is all, “Kelly, you’re a naive moron for dating a molestery guy like me in the first place.” Kelly’s all, “Oh yeah! Well, one day I’ll marry the guy I cheated on to date you so I really have no lasting consequences! So goodbye forever until I see you at work tomorrow!” She storms off muttering that’s what she gets for dating a guy who could be replaced by William Shatner.
Kelly apologizes to Zack Morris for not believing that cheating hos attract and goes off to the restroom with Jessie and Lisa for some hot finger banging. Melanie comes in and finds the boys. She quickly figures out what happened and confiscates the fake ids.
As she drags them out of the club, Danielle finally walks in. Zack Morris begs his mother for some pussy time, but Melanie is hearing none of it as she doesn’t want this college whore puffing Zack Morris’s magic dragon. Melanie just looks on creepily while Zack Morris and Danielle kiss. She then drags the boys off for spankings and our episode ends with absolutely no consequences for the girls since Melanie didn’t have the predilection to go troll for anonymous tail like they did.
Firsts: Zack Morris’s mother (Melanie Morris).