Remember how a few weeks ago we all completely hated “The Aftermath” because of how shallow of a conclusion it was to Zack Morris and Kelly breaking up? Well, now the writers of The New Class have their hands on it and…the result is completely expected.
Anyway, Tommy D and Lindsay walk into The Max and exposit that the girl is…Brian’s younger sister, Katie. Wait…what the hell…Brian’s supposed to be a foreign exchange student, not a part of a refugee family. What the hell is his sister doing in L.A.? Of course, seeing how little the writers of this show have already demonstrated they know about Switzerland, I wouldn’t be surprised if they thought it was a war-torn hell hole in the middle of Africa.
Tommy D wants to play video games but Katie and the extra who need not be named are hogging them so Lindsay goes over to ask if Katie minds if Tommy D plays video games with her, which I can only assume is euphemism for, “Will you give my boyfriend an awesome blowjob since I’m too frigid to touch his manly parts?” Katie is all, “Bring on the one who’s been given the most new character traits this year but is still the most boring member of the cast!”
Wait…Katie just spoke in an American accent…
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! They’re not even trying to make her sound Swiss! Who the hell is this girl?
Just then, Milton and nerd sidekick of the episode, Clarence, walk in randomly shooting people for a Bayside archive video, and they’re annoying the shit out of everyone by just shoving the camera in their faces. Rachel even says they followed her in the girl’s locker room, which isn’t just annoying but criminal. Don’t worry, though: instead of calling the police, she sprayed them with perfume.
Brian gets the idea to make a video for Tommy D for his birthday as a surprise. To facilitate this, Brian tells Milton and Clarence that Mr. Belding hates having his face videotaped.
We then enter Mr. Belding’s office where the writers copy and pasted a conversation from last season between Mr. Belding, Scott, and Weasel. In this version of the conversation, Brian and Bobby convince Mr. Belding that Brian was a kick ass videographer back in Switzerland. They also tell Mr. Belding that Milton and Clarence suck ass.
Milton and Clarence come in and shoot everything but Mr. Belding because they took their stupid pills today. Apparently it’s completely normal to barge in when the principal is having a meeting with other students and just start shooting. Mr. Belding tells them they suck ass and give the job to Brian and Bobby. Also, God must be making up for the ranch episodes because Screech is not in this episode. Mr. Belding says he’s off at a seminar on “Chalk Dust Pollution.” Five dollars says it’s just him talking with his blowup doll, Jessie’s Little House on the Prairie doll, and Emmanuel Lewis in a Shirley Temple outfit.
See, Bobby’s hiding in the trash can so he can secretly video tape Tommy D and Katie’s conversation. Wow, the video taping in this episode is getting stalkerish. Anyway, Katie knows lots about cars despite the fact that she’s a girl, but since Jessie’s not around to go on a feminist rant, she just spills oil on Tommy D. Tommy D wipes it up with a cloth and throws it away in the same trash can Bobby’s in. Now let me put on my best Ben Stein voice as I say, “Oh, how hilarious.”
Brian films Lindsay at Tommy D’s locker because she wants to show off that he has a head shot of Natalia Cigliuti in his locker. Also, they make a huge deal over Tommy D giving Lindsay the combination on their first date, which I assume is euphemism for mild hand holding knowing Lindsay.
He’s with Katie, though, and the audience loses their shit as the writers decide two scenes together are more than enough for Tommy D and Katie to fall in love. Brian and Bobby, meanwhile, have a hernia that Tommy D is the Kelly of this show.
At The Max, Brian and Bobby show Megan and Rachel the footage of Tommy D getting to first base with Katie. They’re utterly shocked that more than one girl could find Tommy D attractive. Lindsay comes in and says she wants to throw Tommy D a surprise birthday party where they’ll show him the video. She leaves just as fast as she entered and the four decide the only thing to do is make Tommy D and Katie unattractive to each other.
Step one is for Brian and Bobby to convince Tommy D that Katie is as much a whore as he is. This random student tells them that all these love letters are from Katie because she’s more obsessed than the woman from Misery.
Meanwhile, Latino Vanilla Ice here tells Tommy D that Katie has the hots for the way he says, “Ice, ice baby.” Finally, Bobby gets Katie to tell him the name of a certain Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard really loudly.
At The Max, Rachel and Megan do their best impression of being sad, which resembles cats in heat more than being sad. They convince Katie that Lindsay is dying and hasn’t told Tommy D and she really wanted the party to be a last gesture.
The final cog in the plan is for Lindsay to come out wearing an “I Love Tommy” t-shirt that Rachel covered in cat hair since Lindsay is apparently allergic to cats. Lindsay starts coughing and this is enough anecdotal evidence for Katie to buy the bullshit story.
At Bayside, Tommy D and Katie decide not to date because they’re both idiots who believed the elaborate ruses set for them. Bobby sees this and reports it to the rest of the gang, who wish there had been some easier way to have taken care of all this, like maybe telling Lindsay her boyfriend is a whore. They decide to go off and watch the video tape.
Right at that exact moment, Milton and Clarence come down the stairs and decide to invite Mr. Belding to Tommy D’s part, telling him the video will be shown there. Of course, this is really Milton and Clarence’s nefarious plan to get revenge on Brian and Bobby by having Mr. Belding show up to sexually harass everyone.
Lindsay tells Tommy D she’s cooking a dinner for him but Tommy D doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday, which must mean something is wrong! They keep up an exchange of bad acting for about a minute until Tommy D decides to go to the dinner after all. Lindsay’s all, “Something’s wrong! It has to be! Something’s always wrong when Tommy D falls back into bad acting!”
Tommy D and Lindsay dance all half-heartedly and stuff until Katie walks in and gives Tommy D a present. Tommy D, because he’s a complete idiot, gives Katie a kiss right there directly in front of Lindsay. As Lindsay tries to wrap her head around the shit going down in front of her, the rest of the gang decide it’s time to show Tommy D his video. Lindsay, meanwhile, drags Megan and Rachel out so they can tell her off-screen about Tommy D and Katie.
Mr. Belding comes walking right into Lindsay’s house because everyone in this universe walks in houses without permission. Mr. Belding takes about thirty seconds to realize it’s not a video about Bayside but a birthday video for Tommy D. Mr. Belding’s not pissed or anything but tells Brian and Bobby they’ll have to redo the video after school the next two weeks. What exactly was the point of that subplot? Just to give Mr. Belding something to do?
Lindsay drags Tommy D outside to perform the second most unintentionally hilarious scene of the season after the whole anorexia blackout scene. See, Lindsay’s sad, then she’s sadder, then she’s just upset that the relationship is over and she’s all, “But dating you is my one thing with Scott gone! What is my character going to do now that my boyfriend is a hoe bag!” They break up because Tommy D is so in love with Katie, which is why she’ll never be seen or mentioned in this series again. Seriously, at least Saved by the Bell did another episode with Jeff to show he was a slut bag too. But, yeah, Natalia Cigliuti and Jonathan Angel’s acting in this scene is horrendously awful.And our episode ends with Tommy D and Lindsay embracing as they wait for season three to come upon them so they have something else to do.
So, this is the episode that completely fucks up this season’s timeline. Tommy D and Lindsay are dating in the country club and ranch episodes. Brian and Rachel are not dating in the school episodes. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in between seasons one and two because Screech is there and he was definitely not there before “The Return of Screech,” in which Brian and Rachel are not dating. The country club and ranch episodes could not take place in the summer after the season two school episodes since Tommy D and Lindsay are now no longer a couple and since there will be cast changes at the beginning of season three. So…you figure it out. When the hell do all these episodes take place?
All I can say is bon voyage to the couple I never cared about and apparently neither did the writers of this show either. Also, I’m still confused why Brian has a sister with an American accent.
Firsts: Tommy D and Lindsay break up.