Monthly Archives: December 2014

The New Class Season 2, Episode 25: “Belding’s Prize”

If you were just dying this week to find out whether or not the gang will be able to save Bayside, you will be very disappointed as this week we face a completely unrelated episode, along with the return of one of the worst recurring characters in the history of the franchise. Aren’t I lucky?

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We open in Mr. Belding’s office, where the writers remembered that Alison exists since Screech is having his version of phone sex with her. Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech to stop his perversion at once before he gets spooge stains on his desk. 
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Screech gives Mr. Belding his mail and, among the items is a letter from the “Academy of American Principals” inviting him to apply for membership. Yeah, I bet this is about as legitimate as all those Who’s Who in American High Schools scams. They’ll probably want him to buy some leather-bound book with his name in it. Of course, he’s honored they’re considering him and, for some reason, decides to let Screech write one of his letters of recommendation since Screech is so competent in such things. Also, they only gave him two days to prepare and mail his application, which totally makes this seem legitimate. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h51m03s26

Oh, how I’ve missed James the Actor, almost as much as that sebaceous cyst I had on my back that popped and leaked out lots of pus all over the place. He’s such an essential character in the franchise that it’s hard to believe he only appeared in four episodes, and that this is the final episode he ever appeared in. His importance to this franchise is bested only by Casey Kasem and Becky the Duck.

Anyway, our subplot this week is that The Max is holding a Millionth Burger Contest. Whoever orders the millionth burger sold at The Max gets backstage passes to the MTV Awards. Okay, I admit, that might actually have been a cool prize since, in 1995, that would have meant the opportunity to meet Weezer, Madonna, Green Day, Michael Jackson, and Elton John. Sign me up! I want the millionth burger at The Max! Don’t let these idiots get it!

Question though: The Max has been open for at least six years now. Is it realistic to believe they’ve sold less than a million burgers in that time. Okay, yes it is since people so rarely order food at The Max and, instead, build science projects and invite Casey Kasem to have dance contests at The Max.

Also, there’s a recurring gag where James’s cell phone keeps ringing at inappropriate times with his agent telling him how much he sucks and no one wants him. I only mention it because it actually does factor into the plot later.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h52m58s152

Now this is a character identified by Tommy D as “Chunky McGee.” He’s fat and ordering lots of burgers and it’s funny because fat people have no dignity!
vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h53m30s218 The gang decide the best way to win the contest is to fake getting food poisoning from Max burgers, and they tell Meat, in his final apappearancen the show, that he should stay clear of them. The rest of the student body overhears and suddenly no one wants to eat at The Max because these six idiots are so trustworthy.

Back in Mr. Belding’s office, Screech agrees to mail Mr. Belding’s application for him but he gets distracted by a fax from Alison desiring facsimile sex.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h55m51s92

I kid you not: Screech kisses a stamp pad so he can send Alison back a hundred kisses. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please let Screech get a fatal case of poisoning! That would be such a wonderful belated Christmas present!vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h56m50s173

In the hallway, the gang is hella pissed that they’ve been trying for three whole days and still haven’t bought the millionth burger. Tommy D decides to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s good mood to go to The Max during school hours and buy even more burgers. Boy, this subplot is a gripping one. Will Tommy D get to sexually harass Madonna?

Meanwhile, Mr. Belding sees Screech in the hallway and exposits his appreciation to Screech for mailing the application.
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Unfortunately, Screech realizes that his facsimile sex with Alison made him forget to mail Mr. Belding’s application and it’s now past the deadline. Come on, Screech has done way worse things than this on this show. Why is this the one that’s making him fear his imminent murder?

After a commercial break, Screech calls the Academy and they’re all, “Hell no, we won’t grant an extension! We have a deadline on these leather bound books!”vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h58m37s223

Mr. Belding comes in and reads his acceptance speech to Screech, who sits listening to how devastated Mr. Belding will be when he discovers his leather bound book will not be arriving. Screech can’t bring himself to tell Mr. Belding and, instead, tells Mr. Belding he’s proud of him and prefers not to be murdered before he finds out if Bayside is going to close or not.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-18h59m42s95

Tommy D returns, having purchased two hundred burgers and still not winning the contest. Everyone’s pissed they spent all their money on shitty burgers instead of hookers and coke. Brian comes up with a plan…
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And I so wish I could tell you what his plan is, but it apparently involves singing about burgers into the school’s intercom. Yeah, I don’t know. I can usually at least comprehend what’s going on with this show even if it doesn’t make sense, but this is baffling. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h00m44s197

Oh, okay! His play is to resell all The Max burgers Tommy D purchased and use the money to buy more burgers! A ponzi scheme! Ron and Meat are skeptical but the gang fain being insulted, or at least as much as they can pretend with their shitty acting skills. Of course, the comments are on their similar taste and burp quality and not on the fact they’re cold and old.

Screech comes in crossing boundaries once again to tell the gang all about his trouble, not even noticing the gang are operating an illegal restaurant out of the school. The gang decide to help Screech fool Mr. Belding into not knowing about Screech’s incompetence, as if he doesn’t know already.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h02m43s113

Tommy D and Brian print a fake acceptance letter from the Academy and Screech presents it to Mr. Belding. The “Grand Commander” of the Academy is coming to Bayside to perform the acceptance ceremony there. Of course, they say “Grand Commander,” and I wonder if they realized how much a certain reviewer of shitty television would one day associate this title with “Grand Wizard.”vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h03m42s199

Of course, the gang hire Jame to pretend to be the Grand Commander, and he demonstrates his wonderful acting skills by using a comb as a mustache. Well, I mean, any actor who has to resort to being hired by teenagers to get work must be good!

The gang come in and Tommy D changed the inscription on Rachel’s Miss Junior Palisades trophy to be all about Mr. Belding winning the award. Yeah, with James pulling off this whole thing, nothing could possibly go wrong!
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Meanwhile, Tommy D buys more burgers from a waiter who’s obviously Ron in disguise. I mean, even Helen Keller would be able to see the horrible disguise that Ron’s wearing. Ron’s purpose is two-fold: keep Tommy D from ordering more burgers and discover if Tommy D is reselling Max burgers. The nerds are pissed off at the discovery they’re buying old shitty burgers, but don’t worry as this plays absolutely no further role in this episode.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h05m49s181Of course, Screech uses the worst head shot of Dennis Haskins he could find, which makes Mr. Belding look like Sarah Palin desperately trying to look hip on Saturday Night Livevlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h05m57s7

And, as usual, James is wearing one of the worst disguises known to humanity because no one has any common sense on this show.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h06m32s103

Yeah, the girls decide to give a cheer because why the hell not. The presentation is pretty much James’s usual bull shit acting fooling everyone. He drones on and on, not letting Mr. Belding start his acceptance speech. Then, his cell phone rings. It’s his agent letting him know someone hired him and he never has to be on this shitty show again.
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He’s so overjoyed that he starts dancing and ripping off his beard and ripping off the engraving Tommy D put on the trophy. The gig is up, and Screech runs off, realizing he’s about to be murdered since he just humiliated Mr. Belding in front of the whole student body.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h09m44s237

At The Max, Screech drowns his sorrow in milkshakes since we learned earlier this season that alcohol is the evil. Yeah, I guess that’s in character for him.vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h10m45s74

Mr. Belding comes in and lectures Screech on his lying. Mr. Belding tells Screech that, after the ass kissing Screech gave in his recommendation, he can’t stay mad at him. They kiss and make up and agree to be best butt buddies for the next five seasons. vlcsnap-2014-12-15-19h11m27s226They order lunch and we end with Mr. Belding ordering the millionth burger, which makes him a real winner since now he can try and get a booty call from Courtney Love, who, unfortunately, was also nominated for awards at the 1995 MTV Awards. The ’90s had some awesome music, but, man, there were some shitastic moments as well.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 16: “All in the Mall”

 

Well, Happy Boxing Day to all my regular readers in commonwealth nations! I hope everyone had a happy holiday season, no matter what holiday you do or do not celebrate! You know how I like to celebrate the holiday season here at Saved by the Bell Reviewed?
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Why, with an episode that takes entirely inside a shopping mall, all to remind me how commercial the holiday season has become and how the new tradition is long lines for video game systems and iPhones. And what are our heroes up to in a mall you may ask?

Why, they’re trying to get U2 tickets, because, apparently, in the days before the internet, you had to go to the mall to buy concert tickets and not to the venue’s box office. Also, Jessie’s not in this episode. I guess U2 somehow offends her quasi-feminism.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h13m12s205

Zack Morris bribed Screech with a teddy bear to sleep overnight in front of the box office so they could be the first ones there. Apparently the last five thousand times Screech has been a dumb ass and failed them mean nothing, so the rest of the gang go shopping while Screech gets the tickets.

Almost as soon as the rest of the gang is gone, the window opens and the clerk asks a simple question, whether he wants mezzanine or orchestra tickets. Screech doesn’t understand what the word “mezzanine” means and he’s too dumb to have ever seen an orchestra, so he ha no idea which tickets to get.
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Screech, being a complete dumb ass, asks the guy behind him to hold his spot so he can consult with Zack Morris and Slater on which tickets they want.

Screech finds Zack Morris and Slater and they pretty much call him a complete fucking dumb ass for losing his spot. Also, the guy behind Screech was apparently Spanish speaking, so he couldn’t understand Screech’s request. Are they implying that, had the guy been able to understand Screech, a rational person would have just stayed there while Screech ran errands?

Zack Morris tells Screech to go get back in line before he condemns him to a fate worse than death: a spot on a horrible Saved by the Bell spin-off. Meanwhile, Zack Morris and Slater go and find Kelly and tell her about Screech’s idiocy. Lisa joins them after having bought lots of shoes and talking about how the shoe salesman wants to take her for a ride in his Air Jordans, which I assume is code for the shoe salesman has a foot fetish.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h16m56s151

Lisa reaches down beside the bench she’s sitting in and finds a bag full of $5,000. How they knew that was how much was there isn’t clear, but I assume it has to do with the super powers Lisa gained when the many cosmetics she wears leaked into her brain and caused brain damage.

They debate on whether they’re going to be decent human beings and turn in the money. Kelly is along to be the voice of reason and everyone else wants to keep it. They also fight over who should keep the money and finally decide to split the money. Zack Morris decides they should buy as many U2 tickets as they can with $5,000 and scalp the tickets for profit. Then they’ll turn in the money.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h19m04s136

Lurking near the gender neutral restroom, though, are Frankie and Louie, who are supposed to be gangsters after the money but are played by two of the worst actors this show has seen. When I say they’re bad, they’re like Weasel from The New Class bad. When they discover that the money is gone, they use their brilliant detective skills to deduce the gang must have taken it, and the chase is afoot.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h20m34s11

The gang find Screech in line and decide they need to get him to the front of the line as quickly as possible. They first start by getting a mildly overweight man to follow ice cream like a cat being teased with catnip. Seriously, this is horribly insulting. I tried waiting in line for U2 tickets and no one offered me ice cream! I’d much rather have the ice cream!vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h20m50s180

Zack Morris and Slater then get two geeky girls to believe their barren vaginae will be home to the duo’s love sticks tonight since all girls care about is boys.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h21m25s9

Lisa and Kelly drop their bags, causing three boys to have the delusion they might get laid if they help pick them up.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h21m49s254

The only thing standing between Screech and the window is this old woman, who’s determined to get Bono to autograph her breasts. Zack Morris bribes her with $200 and she gives up her place in line because it’s 1991 she can buy hookers with that kind of money.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h22m40s7

Screech is now at the front of the line but, wouldn’t you know it, the windo is predictably out of tickets! Oh, the wackiness.

In the food court, the gang bemoans the fact they fucked up again. Kelly tries to convince them to turn the money in and, when the rest don’t agree, she tries to tell a mall cop, but Zack Morris stuffs food in her mouth and tells her to mind her place before she can.

Suddenly, a plot contrivance rears its head in the form of an announcement telling shoppers that, due to Bono having a bad case of genital warts, they’ve decided to have two concerts instead of one. They decide this is a perfect opportunity to try their previous plan again but that Screech is too stupid to pull it off so they’re all staying. Even Kelly is all, “Screech is a fucking idiot,” which is unusual for her to recognize when someone needs to be lobotomized. But they decide to advance themselves some money on the future profits since nothing could possibly go wrong twice.

The gang notice Frankie and Louie nearby watching them, though, and automatically decide that these two must be their conflict for the rest of the episode. They decide to hide the money in Lisa’s shoe box since two random guys in a mall must automatically be the owners of the money and they tell Screech to create a distraction.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h25m21s68

No shit, he flaps his arms, makes monkey noises and chases Frankie and Louie through the food court.  WHY DOESN’T SOMEONE HAVE HIM FUCKING COMMITTED?!?!?!

Lisa goes shoe shopping again. Kelly finds her and reminds her they’re supposed to meet the boys in the movie theater. Frankie and Louie suddenly show up and knock down lots of shoes, which further convinces the two these two must be up to something mean and nefarious!

In the movie theater, the girls tell Zack Morris and Slater about Frankie and Louie and they’re all, “Get a fucking grip before you become as idiotic as Screech.”vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h26m28s235

Speaking of whom, Screech comes in dressed in a horrible knock-off of a Superman costume. I guess some show couldn’t afford the rights to the Superman logo!

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What follows is the gang watching a horrible romantic film with a female lead that’s an obvious male falsetto. The boys talk lots and the girls get pissed a lot and the scene really has nothing at all to do with the rest of the episode and could have easily been cut. Of course, though, this is a show that can’t cut anything.

After lots of time wasting, Lisa notices Frankie and Louie come in the theater which, once again, must mean that they’re murderers. They decide to sneak out as if they’re going to the restroom.
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Naturally, since he’s a fucking idiot, Screech’s idea of sneaking out is telling Frankie and Louie they’re leaving. Frankie and Louie quickly follow after the gang but seem to have trouble catching up to them despite being only a few seconds behind. Worst gangsters ever.

Zack Morris decides the gang should camp out in a tent in the sporting goods store, which makes absolutely no sense if their goal is to be buy the ticket window in the morning.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h31m59s216Zack Morris distracts the store employee with stupid talk about footballs and they sneak in the store and zip themselves up in the tent. vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h32m27s237

It’s a good thing they just happened to do this in the last minute the store is open because now Frankie and Louie can’t get to them and they can have their giant orgy in the sporting goods store that does the worst job in the world of making sure all employees are out before they lock up. This is worse than that Night at the Museum film.

In the morning, they’re somehow first in line for tickets but, when they go to pay for them, discover the money is gone. Cue ironic cartoon music here.

Back at the food court, they decide Lisa must have accidentally switched boxes when she was in the shoe store yesterday, which makes no sense whatsoever since she hid the money in one of the boxes of shoes that she had already bought.

They go to the shoe store and check every box in the store. No, really, the store lets them check every box in the store and says not a word about it. What kind of fucking mall is this? I want Al Bundy to come out and bitch slap all five of them to hell.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h35m00s231

Wouldn’t you know it, there’s one box left and the old woman from the U2 line gets to it first. Oh, the hilarity! Lisa distracts her by telling her Kevin Costner has his cock out and the gang take the box which, somehow, does indeed have the money.

Frankie and Louie find them right at that very moment and they run off to get away from the two.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h36m19s255

They end up in a bridal store dressed in wedding clothes, complete with Screech as the priest. That’s strangely appropriate, and maybe a dress rehearsal for Wedding in Las Vegas. Also, what is up with these stores? Did they not notice five teenagers come into the store, dress in clothes, and hide in the store window? Jesus, this mall must have the worst problem with theft!

The five fight over who’s stupid fucking idea this episode was, and the employees of the store must be deaf because no one hears their fucking bickering and whining.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h37m41s44

They finally decide they have to return the money so they shoplift the bridal clothes and find the security guard from yesterday. Frankie and Louie come in and the guard tells them he’s with the gangsters. They just stand there during apparent threats but suddenly a camera crew comes out and reveals they’re on “Candid Video.”

Yes, a camera crew from a Candid Camera rip off followed around a group of teenagers for two days, had two actors pretend to be gangsters and chase them around the mall, and left $5,000 just lying around the mall. THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE!!!

*bangs his head against the wall, loudly*

Let’s ignore the fact that five minors can’t legally give consent to be on a show like this. Let’s focus on the rest of the idiocy of this scenario. We saw Frankie and Louie’s conversation with each other when none of the gang were around! Why would they be acting even when noon was around to hear them?!?! And why would a show focus on five teenagers for two fucking days when they had no idea what these teenagers would even do!!! God, there are days I hate this show!!!

But then I remember I have a The New Class episode to review from Monday and suddenly this seems like cinematic gold.vlcsnap-2014-12-12-17h39m07s110Anyway, the episode ends with the security guard, who is also the host of the show, giving the gang five front row tickets to U2. Zack Morris suggests they sell the tickets and the rest of the gang prepare to murder him for even suggesting this episode should be a two parter.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 24: “Goodbye Bayside, Part 1”

Oh, can it be true? Is it all just false internet rumors that this show lasted five more seasons? Could this be the Christmas miracle I’ve been waiting for? Oh, to think about never having to watch this show again! Maybe this is the series finale of one of the worst shows ever made! Oh, I will review this episode in glee in anticipation! This could end up being the best episode of the show yet!

Wait, the contradictory evidence is sitting on my bookshelf, isn’t it?

The New Class Season 3-7 DVDGod damn it, it’s just going to be another stupid The New Class episode that makes no sense to anyone, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get it over with…vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h24m20s127Yes, it’s Bayside’s 40th anniversary…
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And, let me tell you, the students are overenthusiastic about this event. Really, I haven’t the slightest clue why they find it this incredibly exciting, but they’re celebrating with big cards and birthday hats and shit. Also, Lindsay says they’re having a prom in honor of the fortieth anniversary because…hell, I haven’t been able to figure out anything else about this season so why start here? Also, what grade is the gang supposed to be in at this point if they’re going to the prom?vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m08s94

Anyway, Bobby is running for prom king and makes lots of promises of shit he’ll do if he’s elected because he’s apparently such a dumb ass he doesn’t know the difference between prom king and student council. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m34s97

Rachel is running for prom queen, but that’s kind of a given, and she enjoys writing giant messages in Bayside’s giant fortieth birthday card.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h25m59s94 Mr. Belding, meanwhile, thinks all of Screech’s ideas for celebrating the fortieth birthday are idiotic, including putting the Goodyear Blimp and Shamu in the gym. Is Screech trying to destroy the school or open it to law suits?

Meanwhile, in walks an older man a week after Mr. Belding declared that only students are allowed in Bayside during school hours. Driving home Screech’s idiocy, he thinks the man is a student dressed in old people’s clothes and prepares to write him a detention slip.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h26m28s126 Turns out our trtrespassers Mr. Woodbury, the president of the school board. Mr. Belding’s homoerotic advances towards Mr. Woodbury disturb the man, and he excuses himself by saying that he has a meeting with J. Walker McMillan, a rich real estate mogul and the most famous of Bayside’s alumni. Mr. Belding makes probably the first reasonable assumption here and believes that Mr. McMillan intends to make a donation to Bayside.

We cut to the Glee Club, where we discover the writers have forgotten they had a Glee Club episode earlier this season where they established Bayside had hired a Glee Club teacher. Instead, Screech is now Glee Club Teacher because the producers were running out of money this season and needed to save some of it for the final episode.

Anyway, Screech wants the Glee Club to think of songs they can sing for Bayside’s fortieth birthday.

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Screech thinks it’s fucking idiotic that Bobby and Rachel want to sing songs about being prom king and prom queen. If Screech thinks you’re idiotic, you may want to hire a counselor to help you understand where your life choices went wrong.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h28m30s70

Tommy D leveled up and learned a new skill this episode as he can now play some piano. His song is only saying, “Bayside High School” off key to chopsticks, though, so Screech thinks this fucking sucks too.
vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h28m58s94 Meanwhile, Mr. Belding stalks Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan in the hallway asking for ridiculous luxuries for Bayside. Mr. Woodbury suggests they step into Mr. Belding’s office so they can explain the plot to him and he’ll leave them the fuck alone.

Since Mr. Belding is detained, Screech starts a school assembly on the prom king and queen without him. Jesus, this school has assemblies for everything, don’t they?

Rachel says she wants to be prom queen because Bayside means so much to her. Bobby says he wants to be prom king so he can lose his cursed virginity before he’s rightfully written out of this show. We only hear from the two of them since they’re they only two students running who matter as Mr. Belding walks in.

He says he has some very bad news: Mr. McMillan wants to buy Bayside and, since the school board is strapped for money, they’ve agreed to sell it for $5 million. After the prom, the school will be torn down to make room for condominium.

The New Class, you’ve made some stupid factual errors in your two seasons, but I must ask: WHAT THE FUCK! Since when can a school board, on a whim, just sell a public high school! The high school doesn’t belong to them! It belongs to the state! And you don’t just sell a high school on a whim in the middle of a school year without a clear plan of what to do with the students!

This…is killing my brain cells. It’s killing my brain cells, guys! I’m getting dumber watching this episode. Oh, no! I think I just forgot American history!
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In the hallway, Screech faints when Mr. Belding reiterates what we just heard in the last scene about Bayside being sold. Meanwhile, Tommy D and Bobby actually suggest selling brownies to buy the school because they’re as brain dead as I am from watching this episode. The gang asks what will happen to them and Mr. Belding says they’ll be reassigned to other high schools because overcrowding is a great idea!vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h32m59s199

It’s also a great thing the gang already have their school reassignments because otherwise it might become too realistic. Bobby, Lindsay, and Brian find out they’re going to Lincoln, Megan’s going to a private school, and Tommy D and Rachel are going to…THE DREADED VALLEY! Yes, once again the writers forgot they had an episode about the gang liking Valley now as Tommy D says he doesn’t talk to Valley kids. So much for Tommy D talking to Scott, a former Valley kid, for all of last season and the Valley kid he was tenderly hugging this season. I do wish Tommy D would shut up the rest of this episode, though.

Tommy D tries to rally the gang to save Bayside and says that, if they won’t, he will.
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Meanwhile, Screech realizes that he’s going to finally be out of work after seven years in the Saved by the Bell universe and Mr. Belding tries to work on his resume as Screech peers uncomfortably close over his shoulder.

In the auditorium, the prom committee has trouble thinking of themes for the prom…a week before the prom…

Yeah, I have a feeling you would have had to do this long in advance.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h36m43s138

Mr. McMillan comes in with a construction worker and a map of where he wants to put new shit. Tommy D gives an impassioned plea to Mr. McMillan about how none of them will be able to find new acting gigs if Bayside is torn down. Mr. McMillan, though, is the greedy capitalist with a heart of stone so he doesn’t give a fuck if Tommy D is out on the street giving blow jobs for food.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h37m48s14

The rest of the gang and Screech are inspired to try and save Bayside, though and decide…vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h38m00s113

To hang out at Screech’s apartment, in front of a pennant that says, “Screech.” Yeah, Screech needs to retake his course on professional boundaries. vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h39m17s135

After some talk about Mister Ed that has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever, Screech phones Mr. McMillan’s office in the worst falsetto ever pretending to be the secretary for the school board. He tells leaves a message for Mr. McMillan saying that tomorrow’s Bayside meeting will be held an hour later in Mr. Belding’s office.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h40m04s90

Screech shows up to the school board meeting as Mr. McMillan’s attorney and makes a bunch of ridiculous demands like more schools and even the school board members’ cars and houses. Mr. Woodbury is outraged and does an impersonation of Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons to express his outrage over Screech’s lunacy. Mr. Woodbury tells Screech to go tell Mr. Woodbury this is an outrage.

Meanwhile, Tommy D, Lindsay, Megan, and Bobby have somehow chained themselves to lockers because that’s apparently physically possible. They’re holding a “Save Bayside” protest. Mr. Belding tells them that they’re being fucking stupid but he’s interrupted by Rachel, who’s rushing off to chain herself to a bus.
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Meanwhile, while Mr. Belding is out of his office, Screech pretends to be a lawyer for the school board from the special needs law firm who wants another million dollars for the deal.vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h43m50s53

Screech has Mr. McMillan outraged but then Mr. Woodbury comes in and both Mr. McMillan and Mr. Woodbury thinks Screech is the lawyer for the other. Mr. Belding comes in and sets things straight.

Mr. Belding brings in Screech and the gang for punishment about their latest prank. He tells them that they just need to face that all things must come to an end and this show has already run two seasons longer than it should. The gang isn’t happy but Mr. Belding tells them that Mr. Woodbury and Mr. McMillan finalized the sale after they realized Screech’s idiocy was just idiocy.
vlcsnap-2014-12-08-18h45m03s14And our episode ends with a giant, “Aww..” from the audience as things hang in limbo as to whether this is it for the worst of the Saved by the Bell series.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 15: “Date Auction”

vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h43m26s110 Most awkward opening ever. I mean, seriously. The credits stopped and there’s barely a pause before Zack Morris pops on the screen to start his bullshit. It’s like the camera operator was asleep and suddenly woke up and remembered to turn on the camera.

Anyway, this week we’re in a meeting of the student council, and because Bayside apparently doesn’t budget equipment for its sports teams like every other school in existence, the cheerleader squad has to turn to the student council to spend their money on uniforms. Since the uniforms only cost $600 for the entire squad, I can only assume they’re made by a child labor sweatshop in Asia.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h44m02s205

Meet Wendy, whose function this episode will be to play the fat girl. Also, she thinks everything Zack Morris says is hilarious. Better him than Screech I suppose.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h44m12s66

And this is Brian, the student council vice-president, who will be play Snooty McSnootypants this episode. He seems to be waiting for Jessie to die so he can become president. After all, we haven’t seen a student council election since season one but Jessie just remains the president.

Neither the school nor the student council has $600, so Kelly suggests they start an escort service to raise money. The idea is to auction off a hot night of whoopie with the boys so that the girls will desperately pay to get in their pants. Jessie is all, “Feminism! Anti-disestablishmenttarianism! Auctioning off men as dates is somehow misogyny…” Yeah, I don’t know. There’s usually at least a glimmer of truth in her speeches, but this one has me baffled. She’s quickly outvoted and they decide to have a dance to coincide with the escort service.

In the hallway,we discover it took Lisa an entire episode to forget Eric ever existed, and she now wants in Brian’s pants. He must like Casablanca too. Jessie comes up and berates Lisa and Kelly for not agreeing with everything she says, and Lisa’s all, “Fuck off you tired old spinster.”

Zack Morris, Slater, and Screech argue over who will earn the most money.

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Screech goes up to random girl in the hallway trying to sell his assets and random girl quickly becomes a new hero when she slams Screech’s foot in her locker. You go girl! We need someone to do these things that need to be done more often.

Jessie can’t believe that Slater hasn’t completely succumbed to her every will and demand and doesn’t understand why no one’s affected by her insane ranting.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h46m39s238

At The Max…good god, do I even have to say anything? Yeah, Screech is showing this picture to women so they know they only get grade A prepubescent meat when they bid on him. Lisa stifles the desire to throw up because Brian is there  He’s all snooty and stuff, thinking that Lisa’s head is a barren desert, which he’s right, but he proceeds to mispronounce the name of the book, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Yeah, he pronounces it like the common pronunciation of the Indiana university. He would be intellectual, I suppose, if he had competent writers.

And, ladies and gentlemen, it’s a sad day here at Saved by the Bell Reviewed. You see, it’s the last time we get to play our favorite game, “Where’s Scott Wolf?” Yes, this show may continue thirty-six more episodes, but they’re thirty-six episodes that we have to go Scott Wolf-less. So, one more time, let’s find Scott Wolf.

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He’s the waiter behind Lisa. Goodbye, Scott Wolf. You will always be in our hearts here at Saved by the Bell Reviewed. Whenever I think of this show, I will think of your roles as “Choir Student,” or “The Max Waiter,” or “Movie Theater Patron.” Thank you for making such a lasting impact on this show.

Back at Bayside, in the locker room, Jessie threatens to cut a bitch if anyone bids on Slater. So…I’m assuming the caffeine pills have finally caused brain damage since she went from quasi-feminist activist to homicidal psycho maniac in six and a half minutes.

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So it’s time for the escort auction. First up is one of our stereotypical geeks, who gets 15 cents because no one wants to date geeks. Brian is up next and Lisa wins him with a $30 bid because she threatens to tell the school about a random girl’s tiny boobs.

Could this get any more awkward?

Slater is up next and no one will bid on him because they’re afraid of the tight psychological grip Jessie now has over the school. Kelly feels sorry for how bat shit crazy Jessie is being and bids $10 on Slater. Jessie’s hella pissed that Kelly bid on Slater and bids $25 sight unseen on the next guy up for auction.
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As karma would have it, that guy happens to be Screech, who’s under the false delusion that someone finds him attractive. He’s been so horny, after all, since Violet moved to 90210.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h54m36s149

Finally, wouldn’t you know it, Zack Morris s last and Wendy bids $100 on him because he wants his hot man stick in her pooter. Unfortunately, since Wendy is overweight, that makes her automatically unattractive to Zack Morris, and thus we have our conflict set up for the rest of the episode.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h54m57s66

Also, while we’re saying goodbyes, it’s time to say goodbye to Casper Van Dien as well. He’s behind pink shirted girl. We won’t see him again on this show, but we’ll see his return to horrible acting in Starship Troopers later in the ’90s.

At The Max, Brian is all, “Lisa, you’re an idiot. Quit stalking me since I’m a Smarty McSmartpants and you’re a Dumb Dumb Head.”vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h56m36s75

Meanwhile, Wendy wants Zack Morris to sit with her but Zack Morris is all, “I hurt my back because you’re fat!” and he leaves.

Meanwhile, Lisa asks Slater to tell her what her best qualities are, and she’s upset that Slater doesn’t say she’s Mensa material.

Back at Bayside, Jessie announces the new uniforms have been been purchased and that Kelly is a back stabbing whore who’s going to steal her boyfriend like her ex-boyfriend stole her from Zack Morris. vlcsnap-2014-12-07-16h58m27s170

Meanwhile, Lisa comes in wearing Aunt Vivian’ business suit from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and starts talking about Tolstoy like she has some clue what she’s talking about. Since Brian is an idiot the writers are desperately trying to make smart, he instantly buys her act and dcides he wants to bang her after all.
vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h00m04s104 Wendy puts on her grandmother’s dress and tells Zack Morris she knows he’s a piece of crap liar who’s shallow and only dates girls without an ounce of body fat on them. She tells him she won’t go to the dance with him and she’d have more fun staying at home and finger banging herself than going out with him. Wow…not since Kelly and the school nurse told off Zack Morris have I been so proud of a girl who gave Zack Morris just what he deserves. You go girl!

At The Max, Lisa’s now bullshitting about Descartes because Cartesian philosophy apparently gets Brian hot. Kelly tries to tell her she’s being even more vapid and phony than usual, but Lisa won’t listen because she’s now a serial monogamist after her brief fling with Eric and being single was the worst thing in the world until The New Class came along..vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h01m38s17

Meanwhile, Screech stalks Jessie by giving her greenery and then brings in meatloaf in a brown paper bag. Zack Morris tells her to quit being a shallow idiot like he is and Jessie’s all, “You’re right!”

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At the dance where everyone dances like Balki’s happy dance from Perfect Strangers, Zack Morris hangs out with the geeks because being a geek means you’re untouchable with women.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h03m50s68

Wendy has no interest in dancing with Zack Morris because he’s a shallow piece of crap who only wants to make it up to her because he feels sorry for her.
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Don’t worry, Zack Morris. You may get lucky after all.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h04m35s1

Brian continues being a stuck-up ass and Lisa finally tells him to go fuck himself when he starts telling the truth about all her friends. Boy, you point out how stupid the characters on this show can be and people jump all over you.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h05m42s158

Slater can’t stop thinking about Jessie because the episode is close to the end and they still need to make up. Kelly leaves him to his thoughts so she can go put on her new cheerleader uniform and model for the school.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h06m06s139

But I think Slater might be getting lucky too!

Screech sees how bummed out Slater is over Jessie and tells Jessie to go get her boyfriend back before Mr. Belding does unspeakable acts to him, and so the “Jessie is a psycho bitch causes a rift between her and Slater” subplot is complete.vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h08m05s59

Yep, I was right, sweatshop labor. That embroidering is horrible!

Wendy finally agrees to dance with Zack Morris because he’s learned a lesson about treating women like shit that he’ll soon forget when it’s convenient to the plot, Lisa dances with Screech…for some reason…vlcsnap-2014-12-07-17h08m39s133And Mr. Belding decides that, if he can’t have Slater, he’ll go get him some hot Kelly action before Zack Morris decides he wants her again. Our episode ends with our escort service all dancing after having learned valuable lessons, which they have no clue what they are.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 23: “The D Stands for Dropout”

vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h26m34s129 We open in French class where Mademoiselle Lavelle, the French teacher, calls on Brian to read a poem he wrote in French. And, just in case you’re a complete dumb ass like the producers obviously think you are, the words “French” are written in huge letters on the blackboard to keep you from having to guess this is French class by the context clues otherwise given. Wait…so Brian’s Swiss, he’s obviously not French Swiss if he’s learning to speak French, and we’ve yet to hear him speak German or Italian, one of which has to be his native tongue. There’s something wrong with the fact we never hear the foreign kid speak in his language.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h26m54s75Since Brian’s one defining characteristic besides being Swiss is liking Rachel, his poem is called “Je t’adore, Rachel,” which, according to the internet, means, “I adore Rachel.” I have to trust in the internet here since I don’t speak French. Of course, Brian’s sucky ass poem is just him saying, “Je t’adore, Rachel,” over and over again, which embarrasses Rachel but doesn’t seem to concern Mademoiselle Lavelle, since she has no comment about Brian’s lack of effort.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h28m11s217 Meanwhile, Tommy D is being his usual dumb ass and reading another fake car magazine in the back of class. There’s a weird, awkward exchange between Tommy D and Mademoiselle Lavelle in which she says he’s supposed to be studying French, not centerfolds. Wait, does she think he’s looking at porn? Awkward…

vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h29m09s144Not to mention the fact that Tommy D’s centerfold appears to be a souped up version of a Cub Scout pinewood derby racer. Rule 34, man. That’s all I have to say. Rule 34. Also, Tommy D denigrates French culture and language with the worst sounding French accent ever.
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Screech comes rushing in to establish our subplot for the episode, the science fair. The winners get a trip to San Francisco to see where Screech used to spread his seed in his one year of college. Of course, the gang decide they’re going to be Team Dunce Cap.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h30m59s222

Turns out Tommy D has been working for some auto mechanic named Vince, and he’s actually pretty good at it. He’s doing some kick ass work and even manages to save Screech’s scooter from the junkyard. Yeah, I’m very surprised they remembered Screech’s stupid beloved scooter from the country club episodes. I wonder if they’ll remember it after a season break.

Vince says that repairing cars is the one thing Tommy D is competent at and he wishes he could hire Tommy D full time if not for that pesky school thing…

At The Max, the gang get Screech to give them advice on their science fair project. Bobby’s idea is a gravity detector, which is basically a reaching arm that drops a clothes pin. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h33m19s82

Rachel’s idea is a machine that paints all ten fingernails at once but, when she tries it out on Lindsay, it paints her entire hand red. Even Screech thinks these projects are idiotic. That’s shameful if even Screech thinks your ideas are stupid. That’s a reason to put a paper bag on your head and relocate to North Dakota.

Tommy D comes in and buys everyone burgers. He tells everyone Vince is going to pay him to work as much as he wants at the garage. The gang is worried he can’t keep up with school because it’s not like he can set his own hours and not work when he needs to study…oh right, that’s exactly what he just said. Yeah, they need a conflict for this episode so they’re going to shoe horn it in. Nobody ever has part-time jobs, not even Kelly when she worked at The Max!
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h35m48s31 Yeah, since they need a plot, naturally Tommy D takes on too much work at the garage. First Mr. Belding catches him in the hallway and writes him a tardy slip.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m02s178

Then, he’s working on a car part in a random class. That’s called unpaid work and I think that’s reportable.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m20s100Finally, he falls asleep in Mademoiselle Lavelle’s class since it sucks ass.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m29s184

And he manages to tip over in his desk. Unfortunately, he’s not injured.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h36m56s208 Mr. Belding calls Tommy D and his father in to discuss Tommy D’s new found delinquency. Mr. DeLuca says it’s obvious the evil Vince is overworking Tommy and forcing him to not be able to keep up with class, what with his flexible hours and all. Tommy D says there’s only one thing to do: drop out of school, and he marches off ready to be rid of The New Class.

After a commercial, Mr. DeLuca is still hanging out in Mr. Belding’s office distraught over his son dropping out. Mr. Belding says Mr. DeLuca needs to give Tommy D some tough love. Rather than the usual spankings, they decide the worst punishment they can give Tommy D is to make him live with Screech.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h39m00s163

Witness the horror that is Screech’s face when he finds out Tommy D is moving into his apartment. Would you let your sixteen year old son move in with a face like that?
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h40m05s38At The Max, the gang give Tommy D the old tired cliches about dropping out of school when his father comes in with two suitcases packed and give him the bad news that he’s living with Screech. Apparently two suitcases is all Tommy D owns.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h41m02s93

The more shocking thing in this whole scenario is that Screech has his own apartment. Of course, considering this is just a redressing of the generic bedroom scene, Screech and Tommy D might be living in Screech’s parents house. Screech proceeds to take all of Tommy D’s money for room and board, which I assume he’s going to immediately go out and spend on hookers and blow to make his porno that no one in the world wanted to see.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h43m18s179 At Bayside, Tommy D clears out his locker and the gang say bye to him since no one who doesn’t attend Bayside ever makes it in this franchise on a permanent basis. Mr. Belding then says the most bullshit thing that’s ever been uttered in this franchise: Tommy D has to leave because only students are allowed on school premises.

Oh, Mr. Belding, shall I shatter your fantasies with a list of non-students who have randomly wandered around Bayside?

  • Casey Kasem
  • Max
  • A government agent
  • Kelly’s baby brother
  • Kelly’s younger sister
  • James the Actor, four times
  • Adam Trask
  • Brandon Tartikoff
  • Johnny Dakota
  • Little Zack, twice
  • Stevie (Okay, that was technically JFK Junior High, but you get my point)

And these are only the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sure there are others because Bayside is fucking Grand Central Station for people who shouldn’t legally be there. But it matters to the plot this time so we’re supposed to ignore it because the producers all think we’re idiots who can’t remember the stupid things they do over the years.

vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h44m07s163At The Max the gang think they finally have a way of going to San Francisco…a radio controlled car. A fucking radio controlled car that goes fast. Is this a high school science fair or an elementary school show and tell? Unfortunately, I think the radio controlled car catches on fire because smoke starts coming out everywhere, which I’m sure will be great for business at The Max. Why don’t they kick these idiots out? They must be hurting business.

Tommy D comes in and wants to help out, but that’s against the rules of the science fair. Uh oh! The horrors of dropping out of school! You can’t participate in the science fair! HOW HORRIBLE CAN THINGS GET?!?!

At the garage, Mr. DeLuca comes in and tells his son his sad story about how he’s always regretted he dropped out of school and how this should somehow guilt Tommy D into not dropping out.

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This sends Tommy D into a dream sequence where he imagines he’s so desperate for a job that he wants to work for Screech. vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h47m17s15 Of course, Screech has a mustache because body hair is the only way to make Screech look different apparently. And, probably because the producers were too lazy and cheap to build a new set, they opted to have the interview in Mr. Belding’s office.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h48m21s144Since Tommy D doesn’t have a high school diploma or college degree, Screech sprays him with water as he would a misbehaving cat.
vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h48m27s203 He proceeds to wipe Tommy D’s face with a squeegee, which I assume he thinks is what shaving is since he’s never had to shave in his life.

Vince comes up and Tommy D’s all, “I’ve decided that we’ve sufficiently spouted all the cliches about dropping out of high school in this episode so I’m going back to school!”vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h49m23s248

At the science fair, the gang try to demonstrate their stupid little remote control car for Mr. Belding and Screech, but it quite literally falls apart.
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But in comes Tommy D with a remote control car that works which he no doubt picked up at Toys ‘R Us. Tommy D’s stupid car is the best science fair project, reminding us of the low academic standards Bayside holds its students to.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h50m43s26

Mr. DeLuca comes in…didn’t we just establish only students are supposed to be in school? Did they contradict themselves in less than twenty minutes? Seriously?!?! Anyway, Mr. DeLuca comes in and witnesses his son doing something competent, making him so proud that they make up and he asks Tommy D to come back home.vlcsnap-2014-12-01-20h51m06s251

Tommy D’s nightmare of living with Screech over, he tells Screech he’s moving out of his apartment, and we close with the thrilling conclusion of Screech giving Tommy D his money back.

I think if I’d watched this episode when I was in high school I would have dropped out.

Firsts: Screech’s apartment.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 14: “Wicked Stepbrother, Part 2”

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In case you went brain dead after reading this week’s The New Class review, Zack Morris highlights for us what happened last week in part one.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h50m03s165 Also, we see the crashed car for the first time, and they’re not even trying here. I mean, that doesn’t even look like Lisa’s driving it. It just looks like they attached her hat to the back of the seat. Maybe Lisa is really Claude Rains and has discovered the secret to invisibility!

Also, the only thing that appears to be wrong with this car is that the hood is up. I can fix that for them!

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Of course, the episode properly opens with Zack Morris and Slater looking over the damage to the car, and it looks a lot worse than it did in the recap. Maybe underwear gnomes took it for a spin after the recap? vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h50m30s184

They idiotically let Screech help out, too. That would explain why the car looks worse now than in the recap.

Slater says that the car has at least $600 worth of damage, and a stupid comment from Screech gives Zack Morris an idea. We also get the mental image of Screech naked in a jar full of jelly beans, which I never wanted to imagine and will now be seeking psychiatric help to erase from my mind.

At The Max, Lisa recaps to Jessie everything that happened in part one so that we can get two recaps. Yay, they think we forgot the first one in the last two and a half minutes. Oh, and Lisa’s so excited she got to be in an accident! Oh my god!

Jessie’s kind of pissed over the whole thing and goes to find Zack Morris and Slater. Meanwhile, Eric comes in and Lisa asks him to the M.C. Hammer concert so she can touch him.
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Back at Bayside, Zack Morris, Slater, and Screech hatch their plan to have a fake lottery. The goal is to rig the thing so Screech wins. Mr. Sachs needed one more episode so the winner will be announced in his algebra class…this afternoon.

Wait, last episode Mr. Sach’s class was the first class Zack Morris and Eric went to in the morning. Do they suddenly have algebra twice a day? That sounds horrible! vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h53m20s103

Jessie comes in and demands an explanation. Zack Morris and Slater tell her about Eric blackmailing them and tell her not to worry about the car because Mr. Belding won’t be back for two days.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h54m03s10

Unfortunately, not appearing in the Malibu Sands episodes mean the producers have to include Mr. Belding in some more episodes and he’s back two days early. Mr. Belding wants to play his new “Bo Jackson Sings the Blues” album in the car. Boy, that dates this episode. I wonder if kids today even know who Bo Jackson is. Zack Morris and Slater spout some bull shit to convince Mr. Belding not to look for the car and they hope shenanigans don’t ensue throughout the rest of the episode.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h55m45s236 After a commercial break, we cut to Mr. Sach’s algebra class where Zack Morris announces how they’ll pick the winner of the lottery. Mr. Sachs will pick an algebra question from his box. The person with the last five numbers of the answer wins $600. That…seems like an unlikely way to pick a winner. What if the answer is less than five digits, or what if the answer contains a variable? Come on, writers, I know you never took algebra, but you can do better than this!

Mr. Sachs comes in to a surprise.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h56m04s168

Everyone but Eric and Lisa are cheering his arrival.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h56m14s37

Of course, he assumes this means that algebra is the new cool thing in the teen world and thinks he’s being turned into the new teen idol who will get lots of underage poon.

Zack Morris puts his plan into motion by having Screech commit a federal offense and set off the fire alarm. After Mr. Sachs and the students leave, Screech switches boxes. This assures that the answer matches Screech’s ticket. This is kind of a funny scene but it’s still a stupid plan since anyone with half a brain cell should be able to figure out that the answer may be something not on a ticket.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h58m05s125

In the restroom that apparently now has a convenient bench for perving on students going number two (seriously, I don’t think they could figure out whether to use the locker room or restroom here), Screech doesn’t want to give up the money because he’s an idiot and apparently has no concept that he was just a pawn in a Zack Morris plan. Slater extorts the money out of him while conveniently telling the full plan.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-09h58m34s160

But, uh oh! Eric was going poo and heard the whole thing! Eric tries to extort Slater’s car for his next hot fuck with Lisa, but Zack Morris lets him know that don’t nobody like his lying, cheating, scheming ass and he should just fuck Screech. He also lets him in that Lisa was part of the plan to set him up.
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Eric’s upset that people don’t like his natural charm and charisma, so he goes to The Max to confront Lisa. She confesses to being a pawn in Zack Morris’s plan and rushes out telling her that she’s a horrible person for not liking him for his unlikeability. vlcsnap-2014-11-28-10h00m21s218

And Lisa puts on her sad face. It looks more like someone’s tickling her on a roller coaster.

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Back at Bayside, Mr. Sonski, the auto mechanics teacher, assumes that Mr. Belding’s car is a wreck for them to experiment on. Eric encourages him to take apart the car so they can learn more about the car. Screech encourages him not to do it but nobody gives a damn about Screech so he does it anyway.

It’s interesting that Screech, of all people, is in auto mechanics class and driving Mr. Sonski crazy. Does this mean that he failed auto mechanics and his back up plan was to be Mr. Belding’s administrative assistant? Either way, he’s incompetent at both professions.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-10h02m44s99

Zack Morris and Slater come in to find the car completely taken apart. vlcsnap-2014-11-28-10h03m20s195

They find Screech buried in a bunch of tires and he tells them Eric was responsible for it. Screech also tells them he helped take it apart and they put him back since he’s a fucking idiot.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-10h04m51s88

At Jessie and Eric’s house, Jessie tries to reason with Eric about Lisa but he’s a douche and tells them about what he did to Mr. Belding’s car. She tells him that he’s a piece of crap that came from the asshole of Pat Robertson and that if she wasn’t just a weak defenseless little girl, she’d punch him out.

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He calls her a chick, though, and this sends her into full bipolar mode, punching Eric out using a Looney Tunes sound effect. She’s all, “I wanted a brother who would capitulate to everything I did but you’re just a doo doo head!” and storms out of the room.

At The Max, Slater and Zack Morris have a lover’s tiff over Slater’s inability to put the whole car back together in time. As they prepare to eat with hands covered in oil, Zack Morris and Slater decide they could have been reasonable and just let Eric do whatever the hell he wanted last episode and this would have saved Mr. Belding’s car. No, not doing something dumb like entrusting your plan to Screech would have saved the fucking car!

They decide to tell Mr. Belding the truth but, before they can, he suddenly knows that it’s in the auto mechanics garage and decides to go play his Bo Jackson CD.

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But, surprise surprise, it’s good as new since the prop department kept the one that wasn’t wrecked. Mr. Belding has to go take care of…a mice problem in the meat loaf (eeeeeeeeeew!) and leaves Zack Morris and Slater wondering how the car was put back together.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-10h08m24s177

They discover Eric with a black eye underneath the car. Eric tells them he doesn’t fit in around here and he’s moving back to New York. He gives them the blackmail tapes and heads home to pack.

At home, Jessie’s happy that Eric fixed Mr. Belding’s car, but finds him packing his clothes, saying he’ll live with his uncle in New York. The gang, sans Kelly since she doesn’t appear in this episode, come in and tell them that his sudden change of heart means that all the crappy things he did in the first part are suddenly erased and they like him now. It’s almost as if Kelly’s inside their heads telling them that Eric is a good guy no matter how many shitty things he does.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-10h10m43s34

Lisa kisses Eric and asks him not to go since she so rarely gets to date anyone on this show and it would keep Dumbass away from her.

Jessie asks Eric to stay and try to be a family and he agrees to stay around.vlcsnap-2014-11-28-10h12m12s148And, as the episode ends, the newly loving step-siblings hug and ferment their newly found relationship, vowing for a closer and deeper relationship. I’m assuming that, since we never see Eric again, Jessie actually murdered him and buried his body next to Mikey and Nikki.

Firsts: Mr. Sonski, the auto shop.

The New Class Season 2, Episode 22: “To Cheat or Not to Cheat”

vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m08s10 We open with Screech doing the announcements in the middle of the hallway since all the students that matter are assembled there at the same time. Lindsay is suddenly the “activities chairperson” and announces that the annual Bayside Ball is Saturday night.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m42s86

And the announcement comes complete with Bobby doing flips through the hallway because getting a concussion wouldn’t mean liability for the school or anything.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h37m55s229 Brian’s naturally excited about the ball because it means he may get his Swiss rocks off, but Rachel tells him he might as well forget it since the history final is tomorrow and, if she doesn’t get a B, she’s grounded. Brian’s all, “But what about my burning needs!” and Rachel’s like, “It’s hopeless!”vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h38m52s20 Meanwhile, it’s time to complicate the timeline of this whole damned season even more. See, Mr. Belding tells Screech that Cal U sent an evaluation for Screech’s first semester at Bayside. Now I’ve been assuming that maybe this season just takes place over an extended amount of time, but it’s impossible to think this after this bombshell. See, Rachel and Brian are definitely dating, and that didn’t happen until the country club episodes, which take place during the summer, so this is not an out-of-order episode. Yeah, I hate these writers. They’re not even trying.

Anyway, our stupid subplot is that Screech is worried about getting a bad review since he’s a complete incompetent dumb ass and recruits Tommy D, Lindsay, and Bobby to help him look good so they have something to do during this episode.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h41m51s22Meanwhile, the history teacher is the maid from Diff’rent Strokes, and she appears to have been driven crazy by so many years of cleaning Gary Coleman’s underwear. She’s the third teacher we’ve seen at Bayside who seems to take pleasure in her students failing and assures the class that she will have revenge for being subjugated to Gary Coleman’s every whim.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h43m19s86

After the students leave, she has trouble printing the test and does the logical thing: she hits the printer with the instruction manual. I think the problem is you didn’t actually print the test from the computer; you just pushed a button on the printer and then hit it. The printer does not read your mind. Seriously, where does Bayside find their faculty? In an asylum?

Brian comes in and tries to help insane maid but can’t do anymore then she could so she marches out to find a geek to help her.

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After she leaves, the test prints out. Brian realizes what it is and Tommy D walks in just at the right moment to be a sounding board for Brian, who’s agonizing over whether to keep the final or not. He initially throws it away but then takes it with him as the audience all goes, “OOOOOH!” They’re a special kind of audience, aren’t they?vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h45m28s143

Screech’s first way to impress Mr. Belding is to have Lindsay, Tommy D, and Bobby fight over the food to serve at the Bayside Ball so he can solve it for them. Mr. Belding comes in and asks why the fuck Screech solved such a petty argument and Screech feels down that his plan to make Mr. Belding think he wasn’t incompetent didn’t work.

At The Max, Megan helps Rachel study for the final but soon realizes Rachel is a hopeless case and gets the hell out of there so she can get back to her life of doing nothing. Brian comes in and tells Rachel what to study for the final. Rachel’s initially skeptical but soon decides that Brian’s a man so he must know about history and stuff.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h47m58s114

The next day, Gary Coleman’s servant is delighted to think of all the Fs she gets to give that night on the final. Outside, Megan tells Brian that the final was brutal because of an essay question on the Boston Tea Party. Seriously, what’s so hard about that? Was it asking what brand tea the colonists used like the insane teacher back in “The Fabulous Belding Boys?”

Rachel, though, is overjoyed because everything Brian told her to study just happened to be on the test. Gee, what a coincidence! She must be acting the part of “dumb as Tommy D” this episode.

Screech’s next plan to impress Mr. Belding is to pretend Lindsay is choking so he can manhandle her as he pretends to give her the Heimlich maneuver. Tommy D gets frustrated because he’s an idiot and can’t remember they’re playing pretend so he pushes Screech aside and manhandles his ex-girlfriend in Screech’s place. Thus, Mr. Belding thinks Screech doesn’t know how to do basic first aid.
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Brain and Rachel go to the movies to celebrate the final, and Rachel is under the impression Brian is just psychic and now she’ll always do good in history. Seriously, nobody can be this stupid.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h50m02s73

Brian has a fantasy sequence that Rachel’s on a quiz show with Screech as the host wearing a bad fake mustache since Screech still hasn’t hit puberty. vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h51m02s159

Rachel has Brian under the podium giving her the answers and fingerbanging her on the side.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h51m53s173 Mr. Belding is the judge, which apparently means he dreses in Revolutionary War era wigs, unless the writers are implying they don’t understand that the American judicial system doesn’t use judicial wigs like the British system does. Mr. Belding just happens to be psychic and realizes Brian and Rachel are cheating, which means Rachel doesn’t get the grand prize of a full scholarship to college.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h52m27s240

Instead, she gets to go share a bed with Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges while Mr. Drummond goes to confront that creepy, molestery bicycle salesman that’s trying to touch Dudley’s no-no zone.

At school the next day, Megan and Rachel are the only students that passed the final, but Rachel got an A and Megan got a B+, which pisses Megan the hell off since Rachel hella sucks in history. Megan accuses Rachel of cheating and Rahcel’s all, “I didn’t cheat! My boyfriend just happens to know all the answers to the test!” They march off in opposite directions after a cat fight.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h54m23s124 At The Max, Ron comes in wearing his underwear on his head because he went onto Valley’s turf and they decided to take all his clothes off and rearrange them on their body. This sounds like a job for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

This gives Screech an idea, though, and he recruits Tommy D and Bobby to pretend to be Valley students and throw cream pies at Mr. Belding. Yeah nothing could possibly go wrong with this.

Rachel tells Brian that her lifelong friendship with Megan is over because of one bitch moment from Megan. She can’t possibly be friends with someone who would think she would cheat. YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THIS FUCKING STUPID!

Brian asks Screech if “a friend” were to give another friend the answers to a final, would it be cheating? Screech is all, “I’m a complete dumb ass but even I know that’s cheating. Your friend should be force fed caffeine pills and made to watch back to back episodes of The Chevy Chase Show.
vlcsnap-2014-11-24-18h57m28s157In Mr. Belding’s office, Mr. Belding thinks it’s creepy as hell that Screech keeps smelling him. He tells him that he smells trouble in the air and Mr. Belding is all, “What the hell is that even supposed to mean?” Lindsay rushes in and tells them that some kids from Valley are going to get Mr. Belding.

They hear a knock on Mr. Belding’s door and Screech thinks it’s his dumb ass plan being set into motion. Instead, Brian rushes in with Rachel and Megan behind him. Brian confesses to Mr. Belding and the girls that he gave Rachel the answers to the final but that Rachel didn’t know.  Rachel and Megan instantly make-up since Megan realizes what a bitch she’s been and Rachel realizes what an idiot she’s been.

Mr. Belding tells Brian he’s impressed and that it must have taken a lot of courage to come to him. Brian says that being emasculated by Screech made him realize what he had to do. Mr. Belding is so impressed with Screech’s attempt at being a responsible adult that he lets Screech finish dealing with the situation.

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Since Rachel’s a complete dumb ass, she gets to do a make-up test Monday. Brian is suspended for two days and doesn’t get to go to the Bayside Ball. Everyone seems really satisfied after these relatively light actions.

After the three leave, Screech asks Mr. Belding if his half-ass handling of this situation is going to be in his evaluation. Mr. Belding says it won’t since he sent back the evaluation the day he received it. Mr. Belding’s high on LSD and tells Screech that he’s already doing a great job and got a good evaluation and all this staged shit wasn’t necessary. Screech forgets about his last stupid plan when a knock on the door is heard.vlcsnap-2014-11-24-19h01m15s137Tommy D and Bobby hit Mr. Belding in the face with the pies and our episode ends with Mr. Belding ready to murder Screech and yearning for the days when he could try and sneak peaks at Miss Bliss’s hot rack.

Saved by the Bell Season 3, Episode 13: “Wicked Stepbrother, Part 1”

vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h26m14s75We open at The Max, where Zack Morris quite literally just takes a soft drink off a waitresses’s tray without asking for or ordering it because he’s Zack Morris and the world revolves around him. It’s not like that waitress was going to give it to someone else or something…vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h43m28s1

Zack Morris has tickets to the Dodgers/Mets playoffs so he needs to come up with one of his lame ass excuses to get Mr. Belding to let him go. Even Screech and Slater think his excuses are lame, though, and he decides he has to think of something.

The girls walk in fawning over Jessie because her mother fulfilled the dream of every red blooded woman and got married in New York. Yep. No excuse how her mother met her new husband. No reason for her mother to be in New York. Not even an episode about Jessie angsting over her mother getting remarried. She just upped and got married in New York. Yeah, I don’t think this show always thinks through its scenarios.

But that’s not the most important part since adults don’t matter in the Saved by the Bell universe unless they’re having an inappropriate relationship with one of the main characters. No, the most important thing is that Jessie now has a stepbrother who’s flying in from New York tonight and will be going to Bayside. The gang decide they can hold a seventh member and they’ll definitely make him feel welcome because he couldn’t possibly be an asshat.
vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h46m11s94 Lisa and Kelly go to Jessie’s house to find out if her new stepbrother, Eric, is worthy of putting his love tool in their vaginas, but his forthright attitude suddenly evokes the inner nun in them when Eric instantly wants to fuck Lisa. Lisa and Kelly get the fuck out of there before he rips his clothes off. After they’re gone, Eric decides he wants to take Jessie’s room, but Jessie’s all, “That’s not fair to the set designers since they work so hard to redress the same bedroom set over and over.”vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h48m35s254 At school, Jessie’s fucking sick of Eric and Kelly keeps defending him because sunshine and unicorns and Rosie O’Donnell. Eric comes in and meets Zack Morris and Slater. Eric quickly acts an ass to them and reveals he committed sitcom stereotype #434 by taking Jessie’s diary and reading all about her relationship with Slater. vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h50m55s117

It turns out Eric’s first class is math with the rest of the gang because there’s only one class being taught at Bayside at any one time. Eric becomes rapey with Lisa, following her around the room and forcing her to have to sit in Dumbass’s lap to get away from him. Don’t get used to it, Screech. No girl is going to want to touch your winkey dink until Alison comes along in The New Class, and I’m not convinced she’s not really a robot.vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h52m38s130 Mr. Sachs, the math teacher for the next two weeks, comes in and announces that Rosh Hashanah is tomorrow and, since he’s Jewish, he won’t be there. He asks which of his students are Jewish so he can let the substitute know, and this gives Zack Morris an idea, who decides he’s Jewish for the purposes of going to a baseball game.

First, I’m kind of shocked the writers of this show know what a Jew is, much less that they know the name of a real Jewish holiday and didn’t just give a name like, “Yiddel McFiddlesticks.” Second, THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING WAY RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS WORK! If Zack Morris were Jewish, he’d be required to get a note from his parents or his rabbi excusing him from class that day. I can’t believe these writers can get the name of a Jewish holiday but can’t get a minor detail like high school absence procedures…vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h53m35s187

In Jessie’s room, Eric’s befriended Dumbass because he and Kelly are the only ones too dim to see he’s a douche. Dumbass taped the Dodgers/Mets game for Eric to watch and Eric assures Dumbass that, since they’re both perverts, it’ll be okay if they watch it in Jessie’s room.vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h54m07s240

Jessie comes in from shooting her demo reel for Showgirls and is hella pissed to have a sex offender and a human pin cushion sitting on her bed. She grabs her clothes to put on and shows them by stomping off righteously.

As Eric and Dumbass watch the game, Dumbass tells Eric all about Zack Morris being at the game and catching a foul ball and lying about being Jewish. Dumbass then proceeds to dump chips all over himself because he has the intelligence of an five year old with brain damage.

At school, Eric naturally blackmails Zack Morris into giving him the foul ball, his locker, and his lunch. vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h56m38s210

Naturally, Mr. Belding comes up and doesn’t think anything odd at all that Zack Morris is giving the new school bully his foul ball and his locker. All he sees are two young bucks ripe for the picking.

At The Max, Jessie recaps everything that’s happened for us in case we fell asleep during the last thirteen minutes. Kelly persists in declaring, “Kitty cats and Rainbow Bright and Courtney Love!” because she thinks everyone’s being too hard on Eric and he’s just a misunderstood rapey soul. Meanwhile, Zack Morris tries to murder Dumbass after he finds out how Eric got a copy of the baseball game. Oh, how sweet a scene that would be!vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h58m09s101

At Jessie’s house, Jessie and Slater study algebra, which is probably a euphemism for fuck like rabbits. vlcsnap-2014-11-23-15h58m50s11

Slater leaves and Eric comes in. He’s audio taped Slater and Jessie’s fuck fest and somehow knows that what’s on the tape is good enough to blackmail Jessie into give him her room, even before he plays the tape. Boy, psychic powers must come with his epic douche baggery. What’s strange here, though, is he doesn’t threaten to give the tape to Jessie’s mom. He threatens to play it on the intercom at school. Why should Jessie care about that? After all, it will probably just get him arrested and expelled.vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h00m37s42

Back at Bayside, Slater tries to pound the crap out of Eric to give him the tape. Eric gives Slater the tape but tells him he made twenty copies and he won’t give them to Slater unless Eric can borrow Slater’s car for his date rape of Lisa this weekend. Slater agrees to lend Eric his car, but only after Jessie comes down and rubs her lady boner against him.

Zack Morris and Kelly walk up, and Zack Morris and Slater commiserate over their mutual desire to live in a world without Eric. Kelly does her self-righteous thing again by demanding that Zack Morris and Slater overlook the fact that Eric is a super kamehameha asshat and that they should capitulate to his every demand. She storms off in protest as Mr. Belding comes up wanting to show something to Zack Morris and Slater. EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!! Call an adult! I mean, call another adult!
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No, Mr. Belding wants to show Zack Morris and Slater the car he bought Mrs. Belding for her birthday. See, Mr. Belding wants to hire Slater to install the new CD player for the car and offers to give him the car all weekend because this is a group of kids that has consistently proven themselves so trustworthy over the last sixty episodes he sees nothing wrong with giving them the keys to an expensive car.vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h03m14s83

Zack Morris warps the laws of time and space with an idea to frame Eric. Oh, Zack Morris, you predictable, juvenile delinquent scamp!vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h04m07s95 The first step in Zack Morris’s plan is to convince Lisa to go out with Eric this weekend. He does this by bribing her with tickets to the M.C. Hammer concert. Yeah, that doesn’t date this episode at all. Lisa decides she wants to get some hammer time on and agrees to the plan.vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h05m04s157At school, Eric asks out Lisa and she instantly says yes because she wants to touch Hammer. vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h05m37s236 Slater naturally gives Eric the keys to Mr. Belding’s car and tells him to meet them back at school with the excuse that his dad would kill them both if he saw Eric in Slater’s car.vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h07m13s145

Eric and Lisa naturally go to The Max on their date because that’s the only place for kids to hang out in Los Angeles. And, get this, Eric took Lisa to see Casablanca, an admittedly good movie, which makes him instantly out to be a good guy. Yeah, appreciating classic films automatically washes over all your character flaws. Eric’s just a lonely, misunderstood douche canoe who’s just trying to fit in to a city and school. Lisa suddenly likes Rapey McRaperson and loves it when he does the single worst Humphrey Bogart impersonation I’ve ever heard.
vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h07m58s109 Back at Bayside, Zack Morris and Slater set Dumbass into place for their plan. They’ve decided the best way to get revenge on Eric is for Dumbass to take a picture of Eric driving Mr. Belding’s car and blackmail Eric.vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h08m25s123

But, uh oh! Lisa’s driving instead of Eric! What a development!
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Screech aims and shoots just as Lisa pulls into the parking lot.
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Lisa’s naturally horrified that such a terrifying creature is trying to take her photograph. She crashes the car, sight unseen, and we have no idea how much damage has been done because the practical effects budget was too low for this episode.
vlcsnap-2014-11-23-16h10m42s212And our episode ends with the ominous words that let Zack Morris know he’s in deep shit but that he still has twenty-two more minutes to figure it all out!

Firsts: A plot involving a piece of crap stepbrother (yes, it happens again…).

The New Class Season 2, Episode 21: “Feuding Friends”

 

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Yeah we’re still at the damned ski lodge this week because…half the season apparently isn’t enough for this fucking show about high school to be away from…high school! Not only that but the same skiers from the opening of the last episode are still skiing this episode because the producers were too cheap to film two scenes of people enjoying winter sports. The only solace I have right now is there’s only five more episodes this season.

We open with the gang signing Tommy D’s cast, including Lindsay, who, and I’m not even joking here, signs it, “To my ex-boyfriend.” Passive-aggressive much? The gang decide to muddle the timeline of this damned show even more then it already has been by talking about the last time Tommy D broke a bone: when Bobby landed on his arm on the playground in fourth grade. Yeah, they actually say here that Rachel and Bobby have been part of the gang for life despite the fact that Bobby wasn’t seen or mentioned at all last season and Rachel only had a minor role in which she didn’t seem to know the gang that well. I guess they’re covering their tracks in case someone goes snooping around Tommy D’s backyard wondering whatever happened to Scott, Weasel, and Vicki…

Mr. Belding and Screech come in to take the gang skiing but Megan thinks skiing sucks ass and would rather finish her book. Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense to go on a ski trip and read.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h14m26s124

On the slopes, Rachel spots “Ramon-Ramon,” the hottest flamboyantly gay ski designer in the world. That exists, someone who becomes famous for designing ski clothes? Also, could they not have given him a better name that didn’t evoke images of Robert Kennedy’s assassin?

Anyway, Rachel wants to be a model and the rest of the gang encourage her to go harass Ramon-Ramon until he agrees to make her one of his models to shut her up. Ramon-Ramon wants this second rate cast to get the hell off his fake mountain so he can get back to work and invites them to a fashion show at the FMski lodge to shut them up.

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Meanwhile, Screech climbs up the fake mountain behind Ramon-Ramon’s model and slips, falling towards certain doom off the worst set piece in history. Unfortunately, he doesn’t die and his fall is broken by Ramon-Ramon’s equipment. Ramon-Ramon is initially pissed off at Screech but then decides inexplicably that Screech has the right look for his ski wear campaign because he apparently want to go out of business so he can claim it as a loss on his taxes.

vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h16m20s233Back at the ski lodge, Tommy D’s reading the latest issue of “Dumptruck Digest.” Judging by the truck on the cover, this magazine hasn’t been printed since the ’50s since that’s the same truck the Martin family owned on Lassie. Tommy D and Megan bond over their mutual love of throwing snowballs at innocent bystanders and decide they should hook-up. Seriously, that’s what just happened.
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Ramon-Ramon finds Screech and convinces him to be his new male model, thus proving he’s completely blind. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h19m16s200

Megan comes in and tells Lindsay and Rachel she wants to date Tommy D. Lindsay freaks the fuck out despite the fact that she was drunkilly making out with Chris the college guy just last episode. Megan is all, “Why should you get all the stupid airheads? Besides, I want a piece of crap boyfriend who will forget I ever existed next episode!” Rachel decides to take Lindsay’s side because plot. Lindsay and Rachel storm out self-righteously, determined not to approve of Megan being treated like crap by Tommy D.

Megan tells Tommy D about Lindsay and Rachel’s reaction and Tommy D’s all, “Whores need to chill. Us men folk would never react like that!”vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h20m09s220

Naturally, in the next scene, Bobby freaks the fuck out that Tommy D would dare date the girl that he’s been stalking for years, except for last year when Weasel was busy stalking her, and Tommy D’s all like, “You need to back the fuck down and let me treat Megan like crap!” Also, Brian’s apparently stupid for daring to be the voice of reason and mediate things on a show that doesn’t value reason. Bobby and Brian storm off and Megan comes in all, “Haha! I guess boys are stupid, too!” Tommy D asks Megan to dinner.
vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h22m05s99Meanwhile…yep, Ramon-Ramon has to be attempting to put himself out of business. That’s the only explanation there is for this subplot. The things this stupid show does…

Also, Ramon-Ramon’s model is sick and can’t be in the fashion show. Oh, no! I wonder whatever this will lead to!vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h22m45s245

Tommy D and Megan go on their date, and it’s a good thing the ski lodge just happens to have a French restaurant on the premises because the writers need to make Tommy D look like a failed abortion attempt by having him order “We accept major credit cards” in French. No, seriously. I couldn’t make this shit up.

Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby come in and give Tommy D and Megan the cold shoulder as they sit at the next table over. vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h24m13s96

Brian comes in and, once again, no one has a use for the voice of reason as all five tell him to go fuck himself. Then a violent confrontation arises as Bobby tries to claim what’s rightfully his and Lindsay gets told off for being jealous despite hanging all druken on another guy last episode.Tommy D and Megan storm out, determined to go home in the morning.

The next morning, Tommy D and Megan tell Mr. Belding they’re going home while Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby say they’re going home if Tommy D and Megan aren’t going home and Brian says this is all a huge cluster fuck that he wants nothing more to do with and he’s going home. Mr. Belding asks them all if they’ve lost their fucking minds since students can’t just arbitrarily decide to leave a school trip because they’re fighting over stupid shit.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h26m25s136

Ramon-Ramon comes in looking for a last-minute replacement for his sick model and initially wants Rachel. Then he spots Megan and decides she’s a lot less annoying if a bit on the bland side and asks her to be his new model. Rachel’s hella pissed that now she has this legitimate reason to be jealous of Megan shoe-horned into a plot that’s already all over the place.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h26m59s224

Megan’s insecure enough about modelling that she allows Screech to give her advice on modelling. Oh, Megan, I think Tommy D would be a better choice for this than Screech. Ramon-Ramon come in and tell Screech to fuck off before he ruins all their models.

Nearby, Tommy D tells Screech about the rest of the gang being pissed at Megan and him. Screech decides it’s time to act like an adult for a few seconds in the episode and starts reading all the messages signed to his cast. Screech leaves, telling Tommy D and Megan that he once had a group of friends, too, who forgave him for all his fuck-ups despite the fact he wouldn’t let Zack Morris date Lisa. Tommy D and Megan suddenly feel like shit for doing something that most people would say is only a little inconsiderate since they didn’t talk to their friends about how they would feel.

Lindsay, Rachel, and Bobby come to watch the fashion show. Megan ambushes Rachel and tells her to go model despite the fact that they don’t even remotely look like they can wear the same sized clothes.

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At the fashion show, Screech decides that, rather than being a tax write-off, he’s just the butt of everyone’s jokes, as usual. Ramon-Ramon is all, “Shut the fuck up. You’re the one that’s going to make a complete ass out of yourself in your personal life in just a few years. Now get ready for the show!”vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h30m13s112

And this is apparently Screech’s sad, “people are making fun of me” face. It looks more like he has a Sweet Tart in his mouth.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h30m47s189Rachel surprises Ramon-Ramon by coming out on stage modeling, not least because the laws of physics have suddenly been suspended since she fits in the clothes meant for Megan.
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Screech then comes out and says he likes himself, even if he is a sleezy piece of shit who will talk crap about his co-stars since he can’t get work himself. He quits and Ramon-Ramon decides he needs to get smashed after the day he’s had.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h31m59s142 The gang make up one by one, first with Rachel who apologizes for talking shit about Megan when she had no real reason to be mad at her most of the episode. Then Lindsay says it’s been a whole five episode since she and Tommy D dated so it’s okay if Megan and Tommy D date.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h32m30s202

Bobby tells Tommy D that he’s realized his behavior towards Megan is almost as creepy as Screech’s behavior towards Lisa and has had a sobering realization that he doesn’t want to be like Screech, so it’s okay if Tommy D and Megan date.vlcsnap-2014-11-21-19h33m11s105The gang’s back together and we close with a cast photo to remind us who was here this season since none of these people except Mr. Belding and Screech will be around at the end of the series.