If you were just dying this week to find out whether or not the gang will be able to save Bayside, you will be very disappointed as this week we face a completely unrelated episode, along with the return of one of the worst recurring characters in the history of the franchise. Aren’t I lucky?
We open in Mr. Belding’s office, where the writers remembered that Alison exists since Screech is having his version of phone sex with her. Mr. Belding comes in and tells Screech to stop his perversion at once before he gets spooge stains on his desk.
Screech gives Mr. Belding his mail and, among the items is a letter from the “Academy of American Principals” inviting him to apply for membership. Yeah, I bet this is about as legitimate as all those Who’s Who in American High Schools scams. They’ll probably want him to buy some leather-bound book with his name in it. Of course, he’s honored they’re considering him and, for some reason, decides to let Screech write one of his letters of recommendation since Screech is so competent in such things. Also, they only gave him two days to prepare and mail his application, which totally makes this seem legitimate.
Oh, how I’ve missed James the Actor, almost as much as that sebaceous cyst I had on my back that popped and leaked out lots of pus all over the place. He’s such an essential character in the franchise that it’s hard to believe he only appeared in four episodes, and that this is the final episode he ever appeared in. His importance to this franchise is bested only by Casey Kasem and Becky the Duck.
Anyway, our subplot this week is that The Max is holding a Millionth Burger Contest. Whoever orders the millionth burger sold at The Max gets backstage passes to the MTV Awards. Okay, I admit, that might actually have been a cool prize since, in 1995, that would have meant the opportunity to meet Weezer, Madonna, Green Day, Michael Jackson, and Elton John. Sign me up! I want the millionth burger at The Max! Don’t let these idiots get it!
Question though: The Max has been open for at least six years now. Is it realistic to believe they’ve sold less than a million burgers in that time. Okay, yes it is since people so rarely order food at The Max and, instead, build science projects and invite Casey Kasem to have dance contests at The Max.
Also, there’s a recurring gag where James’s cell phone keeps ringing at inappropriate times with his agent telling him how much he sucks and no one wants him. I only mention it because it actually does factor into the plot later.
Now this is a character identified by Tommy D as “Chunky McGee.” He’s fat and ordering lots of burgers and it’s funny because fat people have no dignity!
The gang decide the best way to win the contest is to fake getting food poisoning from Max burgers, and they tell Meat, in his final apappearancen the show, that he should stay clear of them. The rest of the student body overhears and suddenly no one wants to eat at The Max because these six idiots are so trustworthy.
I kid you not: Screech kisses a stamp pad so he can send Alison back a hundred kisses. Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please let Screech get a fatal case of poisoning! That would be such a wonderful belated Christmas present!
In the hallway, the gang is hella pissed that they’ve been trying for three whole days and still haven’t bought the millionth burger. Tommy D decides to take advantage of Mr. Belding’s good mood to go to The Max during school hours and buy even more burgers. Boy, this subplot is a gripping one. Will Tommy D get to sexually harass Madonna?
Unfortunately, Screech realizes that his facsimile sex with Alison made him forget to mail Mr. Belding’s application and it’s now past the deadline. Come on, Screech has done way worse things than this on this show. Why is this the one that’s making him fear his imminent murder?
Mr. Belding comes in and reads his acceptance speech to Screech, who sits listening to how devastated Mr. Belding will be when he discovers his leather bound book will not be arriving. Screech can’t bring himself to tell Mr. Belding and, instead, tells Mr. Belding he’s proud of him and prefers not to be murdered before he finds out if Bayside is going to close or not.
Tommy D returns, having purchased two hundred burgers and still not winning the contest. Everyone’s pissed they spent all their money on shitty burgers instead of hookers and coke. Brian comes up with a plan…
And I so wish I could tell you what his plan is, but it apparently involves singing about burgers into the school’s intercom. Yeah, I don’t know. I can usually at least comprehend what’s going on with this show even if it doesn’t make sense, but this is baffling.
Oh, okay! His play is to resell all The Max burgers Tommy D purchased and use the money to buy more burgers! A ponzi scheme! Ron and Meat are skeptical but the gang fain being insulted, or at least as much as they can pretend with their shitty acting skills. Of course, the comments are on their similar taste and burp quality and not on the fact they’re cold and old.
Screech comes in crossing boundaries once again to tell the gang all about his trouble, not even noticing the gang are operating an illegal restaurant out of the school. The gang decide to help Screech fool Mr. Belding into not knowing about Screech’s incompetence, as if he doesn’t know already.
Tommy D and Brian print a fake acceptance letter from the Academy and Screech presents it to Mr. Belding. The “Grand Commander” of the Academy is coming to Bayside to perform the acceptance ceremony there. Of course, they say “Grand Commander,” and I wonder if they realized how much a certain reviewer of shitty television would one day associate this title with “Grand Wizard.”
Of course, the gang hire Jame to pretend to be the Grand Commander, and he demonstrates his wonderful acting skills by using a comb as a mustache. Well, I mean, any actor who has to resort to being hired by teenagers to get work must be good!
The gang come in and Tommy D changed the inscription on Rachel’s Miss Junior Palisades trophy to be all about Mr. Belding winning the award. Yeah, with James pulling off this whole thing, nothing could possibly go wrong!
Meanwhile, Tommy D buys more burgers from a waiter who’s obviously Ron in disguise. I mean, even Helen Keller would be able to see the horrible disguise that Ron’s wearing. Ron’s purpose is two-fold: keep Tommy D from ordering more burgers and discover if Tommy D is reselling Max burgers. The nerds are pissed off at the discovery they’re buying old shitty burgers, but don’t worry as this plays absolutely no further role in this episode.Of course, Screech uses the worst head shot of Dennis Haskins he could find, which makes Mr. Belding look like Sarah Palin desperately trying to look hip on Saturday Night Live.
Yeah, the girls decide to give a cheer because why the hell not. The presentation is pretty much James’s usual bull shit acting fooling everyone. He drones on and on, not letting Mr. Belding start his acceptance speech. Then, his cell phone rings. It’s his agent letting him know someone hired him and he never has to be on this shitty show again.
He’s so overjoyed that he starts dancing and ripping off his beard and ripping off the engraving Tommy D put on the trophy. The gig is up, and Screech runs off, realizing he’s about to be murdered since he just humiliated Mr. Belding in front of the whole student body.
Mr. Belding comes in and lectures Screech on his lying. Mr. Belding tells Screech that, after the ass kissing Screech gave in his recommendation, he can’t stay mad at him. They kiss and make up and agree to be best butt buddies for the next five seasons. They order lunch and we end with Mr. Belding ordering the millionth burger, which makes him a real winner since now he can try and get a booty call from Courtney Love, who, unfortunately, was also nominated for awards at the 1995 MTV Awards. The ’90s had some awesome music, but, man, there were some shitastic moments as well.