We open at The Max, where Zack Morris quite literally just takes a soft drink off a waitresses’s tray without asking for or ordering it because he’s Zack Morris and the world revolves around him. It’s not like that waitress was going to give it to someone else or something…
Zack Morris has tickets to the Dodgers/Mets playoffs so he needs to come up with one of his lame ass excuses to get Mr. Belding to let him go. Even Screech and Slater think his excuses are lame, though, and he decides he has to think of something.
The girls walk in fawning over Jessie because her mother fulfilled the dream of every red blooded woman and got married in New York. Yep. No excuse how her mother met her new husband. No reason for her mother to be in New York. Not even an episode about Jessie angsting over her mother getting remarried. She just upped and got married in New York. Yeah, I don’t think this show always thinks through its scenarios.
But that’s not the most important part since adults don’t matter in the Saved by the Bell universe unless they’re having an inappropriate relationship with one of the main characters. No, the most important thing is that Jessie now has a stepbrother who’s flying in from New York tonight and will be going to Bayside. The gang decide they can hold a seventh member and they’ll definitely make him feel welcome because he couldn’t possibly be an asshat.
Lisa and Kelly go to Jessie’s house to find out if her new stepbrother, Eric, is worthy of putting his love tool in their vaginas, but his forthright attitude suddenly evokes the inner nun in them when Eric instantly wants to fuck Lisa. Lisa and Kelly get the fuck out of there before he rips his clothes off. After they’re gone, Eric decides he wants to take Jessie’s room, but Jessie’s all, “That’s not fair to the set designers since they work so hard to redress the same bedroom set over and over.” At school, Jessie’s fucking sick of Eric and Kelly keeps defending him because sunshine and unicorns and Rosie O’Donnell. Eric comes in and meets Zack Morris and Slater. Eric quickly acts an ass to them and reveals he committed sitcom stereotype #434 by taking Jessie’s diary and reading all about her relationship with Slater.
It turns out Eric’s first class is math with the rest of the gang because there’s only one class being taught at Bayside at any one time. Eric becomes rapey with Lisa, following her around the room and forcing her to have to sit in Dumbass’s lap to get away from him. Don’t get used to it, Screech. No girl is going to want to touch your winkey dink until Alison comes along in The New Class, and I’m not convinced she’s not really a robot. Mr. Sachs, the math teacher for the next two weeks, comes in and announces that Rosh Hashanah is tomorrow and, since he’s Jewish, he won’t be there. He asks which of his students are Jewish so he can let the substitute know, and this gives Zack Morris an idea, who decides he’s Jewish for the purposes of going to a baseball game.
First, I’m kind of shocked the writers of this show know what a Jew is, much less that they know the name of a real Jewish holiday and didn’t just give a name like, “Yiddel McFiddlesticks.” Second, THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING WAY RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS WORK! If Zack Morris were Jewish, he’d be required to get a note from his parents or his rabbi excusing him from class that day. I can’t believe these writers can get the name of a Jewish holiday but can’t get a minor detail like high school absence procedures…
In Jessie’s room, Eric’s befriended Dumbass because he and Kelly are the only ones too dim to see he’s a douche. Dumbass taped the Dodgers/Mets game for Eric to watch and Eric assures Dumbass that, since they’re both perverts, it’ll be okay if they watch it in Jessie’s room.
Jessie comes in from shooting her demo reel for Showgirls and is hella pissed to have a sex offender and a human pin cushion sitting on her bed. She grabs her clothes to put on and shows them by stomping off righteously.
As Eric and Dumbass watch the game, Dumbass tells Eric all about Zack Morris being at the game and catching a foul ball and lying about being Jewish. Dumbass then proceeds to dump chips all over himself because he has the intelligence of an five year old with brain damage.
Naturally, Mr. Belding comes up and doesn’t think anything odd at all that Zack Morris is giving the new school bully his foul ball and his locker. All he sees are two young bucks ripe for the picking.
At The Max, Jessie recaps everything that’s happened for us in case we fell asleep during the last thirteen minutes. Kelly persists in declaring, “Kitty cats and Rainbow Bright and Courtney Love!” because she thinks everyone’s being too hard on Eric and he’s just a misunderstood rapey soul. Meanwhile, Zack Morris tries to murder Dumbass after he finds out how Eric got a copy of the baseball game. Oh, how sweet a scene that would be!
Slater leaves and Eric comes in. He’s audio taped Slater and Jessie’s fuck fest and somehow knows that what’s on the tape is good enough to blackmail Jessie into give him her room, even before he plays the tape. Boy, psychic powers must come with his epic douche baggery. What’s strange here, though, is he doesn’t threaten to give the tape to Jessie’s mom. He threatens to play it on the intercom at school. Why should Jessie care about that? After all, it will probably just get him arrested and expelled.
Back at Bayside, Slater tries to pound the crap out of Eric to give him the tape. Eric gives Slater the tape but tells him he made twenty copies and he won’t give them to Slater unless Eric can borrow Slater’s car for his date rape of Lisa this weekend. Slater agrees to lend Eric his car, but only after Jessie comes down and rubs her lady boner against him.
Zack Morris and Kelly walk up, and Zack Morris and Slater commiserate over their mutual desire to live in a world without Eric. Kelly does her self-righteous thing again by demanding that Zack Morris and Slater overlook the fact that Eric is a super kamehameha asshat and that they should capitulate to his every demand. She storms off in protest as Mr. Belding comes up wanting to show something to Zack Morris and Slater. EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!! Call an adult! I mean, call another adult!
No, Mr. Belding wants to show Zack Morris and Slater the car he bought Mrs. Belding for her birthday. See, Mr. Belding wants to hire Slater to install the new CD player for the car and offers to give him the car all weekend because this is a group of kids that has consistently proven themselves so trustworthy over the last sixty episodes he sees nothing wrong with giving them the keys to an expensive car.
Zack Morris warps the laws of time and space with an idea to frame Eric. Oh, Zack Morris, you predictable, juvenile delinquent scamp! The first step in Zack Morris’s plan is to convince Lisa to go out with Eric this weekend. He does this by bribing her with tickets to the M.C. Hammer concert. Yeah, that doesn’t date this episode at all. Lisa decides she wants to get some hammer time on and agrees to the plan.At school, Eric asks out Lisa and she instantly says yes because she wants to touch Hammer. Slater naturally gives Eric the keys to Mr. Belding’s car and tells him to meet them back at school with the excuse that his dad would kill them both if he saw Eric in Slater’s car.
Eric and Lisa naturally go to The Max on their date because that’s the only place for kids to hang out in Los Angeles. And, get this, Eric took Lisa to see Casablanca, an admittedly good movie, which makes him instantly out to be a good guy. Yeah, appreciating classic films automatically washes over all your character flaws. Eric’s just a lonely, misunderstood douche canoe who’s just trying to fit in to a city and school. Lisa suddenly likes Rapey McRaperson and loves it when he does the single worst Humphrey Bogart impersonation I’ve ever heard.
Back at Bayside, Zack Morris and Slater set Dumbass into place for their plan. They’ve decided the best way to get revenge on Eric is for Dumbass to take a picture of Eric driving Mr. Belding’s car and blackmail Eric.
Lisa’s naturally horrified that such a terrifying creature is trying to take her photograph. She crashes the car, sight unseen, and we have no idea how much damage has been done because the practical effects budget was too low for this episode.
And our episode ends with the ominous words that let Zack Morris know he’s in deep shit but that he still has twenty-two more minutes to figure it all out!
Firsts: A plot involving a piece of crap stepbrother (yes, it happens again…).